Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Last Day of Work Until January 4!

Yay for a long break! I haven't had a long break at all this year. I've taken a day or two here and there off, but I haven't had any real TIME off. Until now, that is. Today is my last day of work until January 4 and I couldn't be happier. Plus, the office is like a ghost town so there is plenty of time to get caught up with blogs and personal business. :-)

The new house is coming along slowly. You would think that being snowed in over the weekend would have yielded a lot of results as far as unpacking and organizing. You'd be wrong. We woke up Saturday morning to about 6-8 inches of snow. We had breakfast and BJ drank 2 cups of coffee. It was time to head outside to start digging. We were out there for about 2 hours taking turns shoveling. We had to take turns because we were not smart enough when we bought the snow shovel 2 years ago to buy 2. It was so disappointing to see our foot prints nearly filled in after those 2 hours of digging. We needed a break. And who wants to unpack and organize after spending 2 hours shoveling snow? Not us. We went back out a few hours later and had even more snow to shovel. Another 2 hours out there and we were wondering when it was going to stop. We decided not to shovel in the dark and to clean off the deck so that we could grill up some pork chops. We cleaned and swept the deck off. BJ came in and got the meat ready and we decided to have some potatoes with the pork chops. By that time...all of 40 minutes maybe...there was almost another inch on the deck! Good grief, as Charlie Brown would say. Sunday morning before we even ate breakfast we were out there again, shoveling. Finally we had blacktop and it wasn't covered 10 minutes later. The snow stopped about 10:00 Saturday night and I think we got about 18-20 inches...depending on where you measure.

The best part about the snow storm was that this is the first time I've been able to sit on my couch and watch the snow fall out of a big was beautiful. And to have the fire going and the tree lights was definitely a nice way to spend the day. Aside from all the exhausting shoveling.

We met the people that will be living across the street from us. Not sure what to think of them yet. The woman asked me if we had kids and I told her that BJ has a son and she asked "how old?" I told her 8 and she said, "oh that's a good babies." Her husband then said, "yeah, she's fine with anything over 3 or so." WTF?? We had a long conversation with them out in the cold. They have not been having a good experience with their builder so it was a lot of bitching and complaining. I will have to give them another chance when things aren't so stressful for them.

My phone line at home has not been fixed yet. That means, no phone and no Internet. I had to go to the library Monday to use the computer. Very frustrating. I need to call the phone company again but I'm so tired of them telling me that it's on the schedule to be fixed. DO YOUR JOB!! Would they want to be at home with no phone service for this long? I don't think so. What if I have to call 911 for some kind of emergency? Yes, we have cell service at this house, but that is SO not the point. I need my Internet! I'm going to be home for over a you know how many blog entries I will miss??? AARGH!

Ok, enough griping. I wrapped the gifts for BJ's family last night and it wasn't that many but I was so tired of wrapping when I was done. I'm going to wrap the Little Guy's gifts tonight and BJ's as well. I still need to get a few stocking stuffers but other than that, I'm done. I'm hoping to feel more Christmassy once the presents are wrapped. It's been hard this year with moving and not really having the time to decorate the way I want. Plus, I keep thinking about how I should be 5 months pregnant right now. That is the really hard part. I'm missing my lost embryos. I know that sounds silly, but I can't help it. Bedroom #4 stares at me every time I walk passed it. It's completely empty except a few things in the closet. It should be the nursery. I think it will get easier to deal with once the Little Guy gets his bunkbeds and we move his bed into that room and make it a real guest room. I hope it gets easier.

In case I don't get Internet while I'm on break I want to wish all of my blogging buddies a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year! And may we ALL get our 2010 BFP's sooner rather than later! Hugs and kisses to you all!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It's That Time Again

Welcome December ICLW'ers! You can get a quick run down of what has been happening with me over the last 9 or so years on the right side of my blog page. The quick run down is that I'm 33, married, a step-mom to a great 8-year old, been TTC since my first husband, have had 2 failed IUI's and a failed IVF with the new husband, BJ. (I don't use our real names for the sake of some anonymity.) We have been married since May of 2007 but I threw out my BCP in May of 2006. Right now, I'm sort of in a holding pattern...not doing anything medical, just temping and testing with OPK's and trying to time things correctly. I'm not doing such a good job of any of it lately.

I'm not temping because I missed the first few days of my cycle do to moving into a new house (yay!)

I tested with the OPK's but my body has thrown me another curve ball...a very early ovulation...CD9. We missed our window due to very busy schedules and just being tired from everything going know, moving, Christmas, the Little Guy's (BJ's son) basketball schedule...stuff like that.

My cycle hasn't been the same since my failed IVF in July. I used to be very regular and, not so much. I'm trying to figure things out but my body is making it very difficult on me. I also think I produce crap eggs but nothing has been proven about that.

You can read a little about my past here, here and here . I have found the online blogging community to be invaluable during these times. I have received so much support and encouragement from my blogging buddies. Not to mention many laughs and even some tears related to their struggles. There is always someone that knows how we are feeling...and strangely enough they know the exact comment that we need to read at that time.

Thank you so much for stopping by...leave a comment so I can check out your blog, too!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I'm not very P.C so I still say Merry Christmas instead of the generic Happy Holidays. However, for any of my non-Christmas celebrating readers...Happy Holidays! I guess I am still P.C. after all.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Singing the Blues

After yesterday's sighting of some (very hard to come by these days) EWCM, I tested twice with an opk. Both were negative. They were so negative in fact that the second line was barely visible. That led me to believe that I had at least another day. And since I figured that I had another day, I didn't do any seducing. Not to mention the fact that BJ decided to stop off at the dealership after work to look around and ended up trading his truck in so he didn't even get home until after 8:00, and then we made dinner, and then we had to eat dinner and then we had to shower (no bubble bath for me again)...we were so wiped out after all of that that there was no way either of us was in the mood for any hanky panky.

I tested again this morning and wouldn't you know that the stupid thing was positive? There won't be any hanky'ing around tonight either as we have the Little Guy with us and we have basketball clinic until just after 8:00. I guess I should hang this TTC thing up until January when hopefully things will settle back down into some sort of normal. Whatever that is.

I'm bummed out about this for a couple reasons. The first of which is that I'm getting ready to ovulate (probably today or tonight) and I KNOW that we won't be doing what we need to be doing. The second problem is that I will be ovulating EXTREMELY early again. Today is only CD8 for crying out loud. If it holds off until tomorrow that will still only be CD9. There is no way that the egg would be mature. What is going on with my body? Did my IVF screw it up that badly? Have I lowered my chances of conceiving even more (as if that's possible)? I really don't know what to do about this. And of course, I'm not temping this cycle so I don't have that t0 go on either. ACK! I want to cough up this hairball known as infertility already! But it just sits in my throat, choking me...letting me breath and hope just enough to get by without fully suffocating. I'm sorry, I'm just really frustrated right now. I used to have a great cycle and now I have a crap cycle that makes no sense and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

And to top things off, our phone line is messed up. Found out about it after work when I tried to call home and it went straight to voicemail. My handsets all say "line in use". WTF? Called the phone company (for about the 8th time) so they could test the line and they say it's fine. Well, it was fine Tuesday but not so much on Wednesday. They say they don't know what the problem is. Thanks for nothing Ver.izon.

One good thing is that the satellite guy is at our house right now so at least we will be able to watch a little TV tonight. There is something to be thankful for on this day.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

How Do You Want Those Eggs?

Holy moly....My body is in hyper drive again. As I stated yesterday, I'm not temping this cycle (even though I found my thermometer in my purse and not a box as I had thought) I'm just going to be using the opk's. I had some watery CM yesterday...CD6. It continued into the night and this morning. I figured it was a good sign that I will probably ovulate on CD11 or 12. Low and behold when I went to the bathroom at work this morning (after my YUMMY Gingerbread Latte) there was a ton of EWCM! Goodness, why can't I figure my body out?

So I figure that either A) I will ovulate tomorrow or Friday since I don't get much of the EWCM anymore pre-ovulation, B) I will ovulate today...CD7, or C) I might actually be getting back to a regular cycle and have a few days of EWCM since it's so early in my cycle.

I'm really hoping for option C. I know that if I ovulate this early in my cycle, the egg would be nowhere near mature and that is not a good thing. So let's all start chanting "op-tion C!, op-tion C!", shall we? I'm going to POAS (of the opk kind) a little later to see if I can get a better idea of what is going on.

We had our first real dinner in the new house last night. BJ grilled up some steaks and we baked some potatoes and had a salad. It was an interesting seating arrangement since we have yet to buy the kitchen table we picked out months ago, but it worked out well. We bought a fold down table with 2 stools to "stage" our old house as having an eat-in kitchen so the Little Guy and I sat there while BJ sat at a TV tray with one of the chairs from the old kitchen table. It was quite a sight.

We decorated the tree, although we didn't use the amount of ornaments we usually do as we just wanted to get it up and done. I have decided that I HEART my fireplace. I've never had one and we turned it on last night for about 2 hours. The heat was wonderful! I'm always cold, especially my hands and feet so having the heat of the fireplace was dreamy. I didn't even need my slippers. The cat loves it too. Not sure if I have blogged about my cat, but yes I have one. I will write about her more another time. She's my baby and she loves her new home, too.
I'm going to try and seduce BJ tonight either by the fire or in a candle-lit bedroom after my very first bubble bath in my HUGE tub. If I am about to ovulate and if there is the teeniest, tiniest chance that it's a mature egg, I have to try and catch it. This is of course if I'm not too wiped out from trying to figure out the new washer, which will get used for the first time tonight as we are just about out of clean clothes.

Oh, and we have phone service, the satellite guy and the security guy are both coming tomorrow between 12:00 and 4:00...fingers crossed that we will have everything straight by tomorrow night! And thank you everyone for your support during my crazy antics of moving and are the best!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lights, Camera....Christmas!

We have moved. I'm very far behind on posting and reading posts. I hate getting behind. The move went relatively smooth. I'm so thankful that BJ has friends and co-workers to help him with the heavy furniture. We have a hard time working together sometimes because the receiver in my brain doesn't always pick up his thoughts, so I'm not sure what he's thinking. I should probably get that fixed. :-)

We have a few dings and scuffs, but all in all, the furniture is in the house! So is all of our crap. We decided to put the tree in the living room so that we could see it, you know, the people that actually live in the house. I put it up last night and put lights on it. We will decorate it tonight with the Little Guy. I'm ready to decorate the whole house now. I won't, of course, because there is so much real work to do as far as unpacking and getting organized. And I promise to post pictures soon. I'm just very busy at work during which is supposed to be a quiet time of year. It's just so hard to believe that we have finally moved in.

I was a good pre-homeowner and called all the utilities and alarm company and scheduled everything to be done by Saturday. We have no TV, no phone, no security monitoring and no Internet. How did that happen? I have been asking myself the same thing since Saturday. The only things that went according to plan was getting the washer and dryer (which I have yet to have time to figure out) and getting the electric switched over. The satellite guy was a goober and refused to put the dish on the roof without something in writing saying that our warranty wouldn't be voided. We have no such paper. After 2 hours I sent him on his way. The phone company never came out to hook up our box. Without the phone box, we have no security system. I got a message on my cell that the Internet won't be turned on until 12/21. BJ decided to deal with the satellite problem and we are hoping to have it straight by Thursday when a different guy shows up to install it. The phone company was supposed to have someone come out by 1:00 today to hook up the phone. Please keep your fingers crossed that this all happens. The TV is the biggest thing. We missed all of our football on Sunday and now we are missing our shows for this week. We don't watch a lot of TV, but we enjoy it for a couple of hours at night and then we fall asleep with it on. Plus, as hard as we worked Thursday through Saturday...I think we deserved some "sit on our butts' time and veg". But we didn't get it because you can only watch so many episodes of Friends in a row on DVD. I love my Friends, but I needed a break.

BJ's company party was Saturday night....and let me tell you....I got lit up. I haven't been drunk in a long time. I've been a little tipsy, but haven't actually been drunk for quite a while. I drank the following in this order: 1 beer, 1 glass of iced tea, 1 jager (sp?) bomb, 1 special Redskins shot, more iced tea, 2 grape bombs and then more tea and I split another grape bomb with someone else. I ate some shrimp, crackers, cheese and 3 crab balls. I was GONE. I didn't get sick and I remember everything, but I was gone for sure. BJ's coworker was buying all these drinks (beer and wine was open bar but drinks were cash) for everyone. The way I put a stop to my drunken state....I took a napkin and drew a "skip" on know the game uno? THAT kind of skip. I knew my limits and I had hit them. So when the drinks started flowing, I just held up my skip card. I never ate the buffet dinner because BJ didn't want to eat at that point in the night so I missed out on some really good food. Plus, I was exhausted so that didn't help matters, either. I hadn't planned on having more than 1 beer because I was the DD. But when BJ's friend's wife said she'd take us home that was all I needed to hear. It was a good time, though. The friend and his wife came back to the house and we showed them around as I was fighting falling asleep. I was a mess....I don't remember BJ getting into bed as I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Glad I'm not in the 2ww. I didn't even have a hang over (I never have) but BJ sure did. It was hard to get motivated to do anything with the rain and him feeling bad, but like I said above, we can only watch so many episodes of Friends.

I am not temping right now. My thermometer is in a box somewhere so I figure I'll just have to stick to opk's this cycle and hope for the best. I'm on CD 6 today so I will probably start testing Thursday since I was surprised last cycle with a very early ovulation. We were at a restaurant Sunday afternoon and our waitress looked about 4-5 months pregnant. I told BJ that I should be 5 months along by now if our IVF had worked. He just shook his head and stuck to his guns that the clinic is a scam. He has to shield himself that way, and try to stop me from blaming my body. I love him for that but at the same time, I just needed a hug.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Watch Out for That Bird!

The bird in my title does not refer to the cute little sparrow sitting on your window sill chirping a happy tune in the morning. Nor does it refer to the nasty pigeon or seagull that flies by and drops a nasty little surprise on your new black coat.

The bird in which I am referring to is the one on my right middle finger. As BJ and I were sitting here watching TV the other night I saw one of those dumb jewelry commercials with the mom rocking her new baby and her husband comes in and gives her a gift for their first Christmas as a "family". Then he asks the question, "do you think she'll remember this Christmas?".

My first reaction was to just raise my hand and flip them the bird. Who decided that a man and woman that are together without a child isn't a family? We have the same last name (not all of us, but most of us I think) and are legally bound together as husband and wife. Is that not a family? I don't know who "they" think they are, but they do not have the right to make us feel like a fake or poser family just because we don't have a child. And that guy doesn't even deserve a baby if he thinks she will remember a Christmas in which she was MAYBE 3 months old. Yes, I realize it's just a commercial and it's just supposed to be all sweet and emotional....but come on. I feel like I should start a coalition of Infertile Families that find these things offensive and start a movement to have all of those commercials removed from the airwaves. People claim "discrimination" all the time. Implying that my husband and myself are not a family is discrimination, isn't it? Ok, so that's probably a little overboard, but you get my point.

I think I will start an Infertile Family line of Christmas commercials, though. How about the ornament that states...."Another Christmas Without a Baby". And how excited a woman would be to open a box and see that her husband bought her another round of IVF or IUI treatments? THAT would be a commercial that could bring a tear to my eye. And what about a husband that hangs his specimen cup on the tree after he decorated it for the holidays? The possibilities are endless, really. We could have a gift exchange amongst ourselves...a year supply of OPKs, a shiny new BB thermometer...some left over HCG.

Who wants to draw the first name out of the hat?

I am off today and tomorrow. Today is pack and clean day. Everything that we don't need for dinner tonight and everything we don't need tomorrow morning, will be packed and placed by the back door. BJ is bringing home the box truck after work today and we are going to load as much as we can by ourselves. The Little Guy has basketball tonight so we will lose 2 hours there. We are really hoping to get at least the entire shed loaded and all the boxes I pack today. I have to go to the bank later today and get a check for settlement tomorrow. The check I'm getting would almost pay for 2 more IVF's...ugh. Tomorrow morning we will drive separately to the house for the walk through and then go to closing and then unload everything we packed up today into our new house. It doesn't seem real just yet. We will make another trip back here to get anything else we can carry ourselves. He has a bum shoulder right now and I'm just a weakling so all the heavy stuff will be tackled Saturday morning with his work buddies helping. I will be at the house Saturday waiting for the new washer and dryer and the satellite guy and unpacking. The Little Guy has basketball again on Saturday and we are trying to figure out how to get him there with all of this going on. BJ is supposed to ask his ex to take him but I don't know if he will. He doesn't like asking her for things. Then, to top off the day, we have BJ's company party Saturday night at 7:00. Sunday morning the tree will be going up and getting decorated. There will be more unpacking and organizing Sunday after the Little Guy goes back to his mom. By the time Monday morning comes along I'm going to be a walking zombie. The more I think about it, I need to get going and get packing.

And one more is CD1. Lovely.

Monday, December 7, 2009

What is That I See?

I think I have started spotting. Not sure really. I know that must sound ridiculous since I know my body so well. What I have spotted in the undies is not quite the color of regular spotting...and it's not quite at the "pace" spotting should be. So therefore, I'm not quite sure what it is other than to say it's a smidge darker than regular CM. Hmmm. My educated guess is that I am indeed spotting. But I'm trying to hold out hope. I can't base my theory on my temperature because I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I didn't temp because I had only been asleep for 4 hours and I usually temp around 5:45-6:00. When I did take it at 5:45 (after laying there trying desperately to sleep) it was 98.5. I don't believe it but I kept it anyway. We'll see what tomorrow morning brings.

I have spent my day on the phone with the phone company and the satellite company trying to get phone/internet and satellite at the new place. I was on the phone for an HOUR trying to get things straight. Then I called the electric company. They tried to charge me the security deposit of $150 because I haven't had an account with them in the last 2 years. Crimony! I gave the girl my social...wouldn't you think if the same first name but a different last name showed up she would ask me about that before assuming it WASN'T me? And if the names don't match, then don't you think she would have double checked the social number? Ugh! I'm so tired of utilities right now. I only have one more to go but it's going to wait until tomorrow because it's almost time to go home and I have no idea how long they will keep me on the phone. Unreal. I'm glad my boss was out today or else BJ would have to deal with all of this and he has NO patience for this kind of thing.

We went to the new house yesterday because the cleaners had been there and we wanted to see it all sparkly clean. It's absolutely beautiful. My breath was taken away when I stepped through the doorway. I don't have time to post pictures today (I know I keep putting it off) but I will do a post of just updated pictures very soon. I love how everything flows and the colors just blend together so nicely. It's hard to believe that we will be moving in on Friday. We decided to put the tree up in the office instead of the dining room so that anyone that drives by can see it. The only thing in the room will be the computer desk so we will still have lots of room in there. We are just hoping that the weather holds up. We can deal with the cold but are really hoping for no rain. We ordered our washer and dryer Sunday. Ouch...that hurt the credit card a bit. We went with Maytag Bravos and we really hope we made the right decision. Through all of this, that has been the toughest thing. We are so scared of spending money on an appliance like that and having it break or disappoint us in some other way. And wouldn't you know, after 3 months of research and FINALLY deciding on this pair, they can't order the washer. WHAT?? So we asked if we could have the floor model...they agreed and said they'd take 5% off. We were happy. It's not like they actually USE the appliance while it's on the sales floor, right?

We had snow was lovely to watch. Big, fat flakes falling down from the white was like a Christmas card. Now it's just cold...blah. I hate the cold. I think it's here to stay until Spring. I actually feel like we have kind of gotten off easy so far with the temperatures so I guess can't really complain. Who am I kidding? Of course I can complain. I hate the cold.

Keep your fingers crossed that the stupid period stays away. I really want to get an early Christmas miracle.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Decorating or Lack There Of

I am one of those people that go all out for Christmas decorating. I always have been. I love Christmas lights like I love a good chunk of creamy milk chocolate. When I was a kid, we used to load up in the car and go around on Christmas Eve to different neighborhoods looking at lights. It was a tradition and I loved it. Of course, my parents were doing it for 2 reasons...they knew we liked the lights but more importantly, they knew riding around in the car after dinner in the dark would tire us out and we'd probably want to go to bed a little early so that Santa would come. I've kept this tradition going for the most part in my adult life. Now that I have the Little Guy in my life it's something I can pass down to him. We don't have him every Christmas Eve so we do this on a random day that we decide we have the time to go around and waste the gas driving all over the county to find pretty lights. :-)

I'm a little bummed because I don't have any decorations up at my current house. Everything is packed away and waiting for us to drag it out at the new house next weekend. I decided not to put anything up at the rental and save it all for when we move. It makes sense, but it also makes for a drab house. I usually decorate Thanksgiving weekend. And this year, Sunday was a beautiful 65 degrees outside...perfect for putting up lights. So now I'm jealous of all the houses I pass by to and from work that have lovely lights up and I can even see a few Christmas trees through windows.

Doing the decorating over the long weekend allows me time to spread everything out and really decide what I want where. I will have 1 day to put the tree up, put lights on it, put ornaments on it and hastily throw some things around the living room and maybe hang a wreath on the door. I know it sounds petty, but decorating is really my thing and I really take it seriously because I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my lights. It's not going to be easy and whimsical this's going to be all business and I will be the drill Sgt. telling everyone where to put everything. Ok, so I won't be that bad. If I'm not too tired after moving everything and unpacking our essentials Saturday night, the tree may go up then. That way I have one less thing to do Sunday. Wish me luck on that.

I am off to the dentist soon and I'm so glad to be leaving work early. Especially since I have been consistently late getting home for the past 2 or 3 weeks it will be nice to be home a little early. I am going by the new house after my appointment and I hope to see it all clean and pretty. I have the camera with me so I'm all set.

I drove in this morning instead of taking the bus since I am leaving early. There was a spot of very slow traffic due to a broken down Metro bus and I really lost my temper and let the "f" bomb fly. Only to myself of course since I really couldn't yell at anyone. That is one of my clues that I'm not raging temper at things like a broken down Metro bus. My temp is still up so my headache was not from a drop in progesterone, which is still a good sign. However, my frustration (and that's putting it mildly) in traffic this morning is a pretty good indicator of things to come. You know, the period. Blech.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm So Bad....

Not only have I not updated in over a week, but I have hardly had the time to read my fellow bloggers tales. I have just over 60 entries to catch up on. CRAZY! I'm going to give you a quick run down of happenings in my life over the last week:

Thanksgiving - ended up being fine. I missed having the Little Guy around as it was his year to be with his mom and her family. I'm not very good at sharing so it was tough on me. But it all ended up ok as we had a lovely dinner and a nice time with BJ's family.

Black Friday - I woke up at 5:15 and thought to myself and said to BJ that I should just go out and get what I needed since I was awake. He kiboshed (sp?) that because he worries about me and all the crazies out there trying to catch a deal. The result? I didn't get what I wanted when I showed up at the store at 8:00. Bummer. I still managed to spend some money just not on what I had planned.

Weekend - BJ and the Little Guy had their first hunting outing together. I would love to post pictures of how cute they looked in their matching camo outfits, but in the interest of trying to remain a bit anonymous, I can't. They didn't see anything but heard a couple of shots around them. BJ had bought a new blind (a sort of tent for anyone unfamiliar) for them to sit in and I wish I had been there to get a few pictures but I had to settle for just seeing them before they left.

New House - The carpet is in but covered with plastic so no pictures. We had a preliminary walk through Tuesday with the contractor. He's great. I'm hoping he's not just saying all the right things while pulling the wool over our eyes but he seems to be on the up and up. They paved our driveway and are installing our mailbox today. Everything should be cleaned and a final coat of paint will finish things off by early next week! I am impressed with how they are sticking to their timeline. We are due to settle at 11:00am on 12/11. BJ will bring the box truck home from work Thursday (I'm taking off to pack and clean) and we will load it Thursday night. We will also load up my SUV and drive them both to settlement and as soon as we have the keys we are heading to the house to unpack. And let me tell you, he better carry me across the threshold when we first walk in after it is OFFICIALLY our house. I'm sure he will and I can't wait! I will post some pictures of our light fixtures and our driveway probably early next week.

TTC - I am 11dpo today. I have no signs of an implanted embryo. Unfortunately, I have been fighting a headache since late yesterday that leads me to believe the period will actually be starting early. She's not due until next Wednesday but I ovulated on day 10 and I can't trust my body to do anything right anymore. My temps have stayed up, which is good. I'm hoping this is just a regular headache and not a progesterone dropping induced situation. I actually started daydreaming about getting a BFP right when we move into our new house. I picture me wrapping up a positive hpt in some pretty Christmas paper and handing it to BJ one evening while we are alone as an early gift. Or asking him to unpack a box that has only the hpt in cool would that be? I am a good dreamer, aren't I? I know it's possible, just not probable. I so wish that could be the case. I get all giddy just thinking about it. Then I get mad at myself for even thinking such gibberish. It's a merry-go-round of emotions I tell you.

I just got a phone call from our receiving area that I had some flowers! This time last year, my parents sent me a beautiful arrangement of Christmas flowers inside a big red ornament as the vase. I figured that they were the culprits again...not so. My wonderful husband sent me a beautiful Christmas arrangement! I just took a few pictures of it but I don't have my USB to download and share them so it will have to wait until I post the house pictures. I can't stop smiling...and looking at them...and smelling them...and smiling...

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow so I'm leaving work a little early (yay!) and I'm not looking forward to it. The last time I was there I told them that they couldn't take any x-rays because I might be pregnant. It was during my IVF cycle and I was actually only in the stimming stage but I didn't want to radiate anything. I hope they don't remember that. I don't want to have to explain anything or start talking about my TTC efforts and all the questions that will come along...let's hope they don't remember and just take my x-rays and all will be fine.

I have a lot of reading to do so I wish that I had the Internet on my cell phone or a shiny new blackberry or something...I will try to get caught up with everyone over the weekend. If it's not too cold, BJ will be hunting Saturday and that will afford me some time to myself to just sit and read until I can't read anymore.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Stressful Start to the Day

As some of you know, we are living in a rental right now while our house is being built. This house was built in the 40's or 50's and I think the driveway is just as old. I'm going to try and explain this the best I can...

The driveway is really long and it goes passed the house. BJ and I both park at the back of the driveway to enter the house at the side entrance. The driveway is narrow and has a small section of cinder blocks stacked up on the right side just at the beginning of it. I leave the house when it's still dark outside and I back up very slowly and very carefully because I'm terrified of these cinder blocks. You probably already know where I'm going with this.

It was raining this morning and all my windows had water droplets on them. I had the Little Guy in the back seat. I started backing up and couldn't see but noticed that I was a little crooked. I pulled back up and straightened myself out as to NOT run over the wall (which is only about 5 to 7 inches tall). I sill couldn't see the left side of the driveway so I fixed myself AGAIN. I back out of here every day and I never have this difficult of a time. So I finally get myself straight (or so I thought) and I let off the brake a little to roll backwards as I am looking to make sure no cars are coming. CRUNCH! I hit the damn wall!

I put it in drive and tried to go forward. Nothing. I tried several times until BJ came out (in his jammies) to find out the problem. He was not happy. It was a mess to say the least. He's frustrated, I'm frustrated, it's raining, I'm now running late and my 4-wheel drive is not doing the trick. He mumbled something about women drivers and that just ticked me off. Somehow, I straddled the wall and the driveway so my 2 right tires were just spinning in the mud. He floored it and smoked those tires until I thought it was going to catch and send him flying into the house or the neighbors fence. He got out and said, "I don't know how you are going to get out. Good luck to you" and he went inside. I went and got a shovel and started trying to knock the block loose (not his head, although I wanted to) as they are old and crumbling anyway. No such luck. The only block that is sturdy and in place, is the one I'm stuck on. Ugh! So I went in and called the insurance company and they said they'd find someone to assess the situation and hopefully they could get me out without charging me.

BJ finishes getting ready for work and asks if he can at least get out of the driveway to go and get the rope from our 4-wheelers that are parked at his sister's house. I told him I called for help and he asked my why I would do that. WHAT?! I called them back and canceled and he went to get the rope. By this time, I'm wet and muddy and really upset at myself for possibly costing us money by messing up my truck. He gets back and hooks my truck up to his and he pulls me out. I loaded the Little Guy back in the truck, told BJ I was sorry and was on my way. I had to drive in since I missed all the buses by this time. Two separate roads had a lane blocked so it ended up taking me an hour and 35 minutes to get to work. My shoulder hurts from the awkward angle in which I was laying under my truck hitting the block with the shovel. It was quite the morning.

BJ called me and apologized which was very nice because he doesn't do that very often, no matter how wrong I think he is. We are good now and are looking forward to our long weekend together. Thankfully I didn't do any damage to my truck. The lawn by the cinder blocks...that's a different story. :-)

I'm going to be absent from blogging until Monday probably. I am taking tomorrow off to spend with the Little Guy and do some shopping and then we are going to hang out with BJ's sister in the afternoon and for dinner. Since the Little Guy's mom has him this year for the holiday, I wanted to make sure we all got together still. Then on Thursday, BJ and I will be eating dinner with his sister and her in-laws. I'm bringing the veggies, the rolls and some alcohol.

I hope everyone has a very safe and happy holiday, whether spending it at home or visiting family and friends. Give everyone a hug and let them know you love them! Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Missed the Boat

I ovulated last night. It was CD 10. It snuck up on me and I'm getting annoyed with my body for ovulating so darn early. BJ and I had some adult fun Friday night. Remember that? When you had sex just because you wanted to? The first 12 days of my cycle are a little tricky. I've always been an early ovulator but this is ridiculous. We just wanted to get the "stale" swimmers out of the way to make room for the good ones tonight or tomorrow night. I tested with an OPK Saturday morning and it was negative. Saturday night when I was getting ready for bed, I decided to test just to see...and wouldn't you know it was positive? Sugar Honey Iced Tea! Take the first letter of each of those and you have my response to that nasty little pee stick. I thought I'd still be able to squeeze in some action yesterday before that egg came out. It was not to be. I started feeling the ovulation pains around 7:00 or so. An interlude was the last thing on our minds at that time as I was overly tired for some reason and BJ was annoyed that the computer was not working properly. We ate dinner and then BJ's sister called to talk about Thanksgiving and then football came on. I was more than willing to give it a go, but the fact that BJ knew I was fertile put pressure on him and he doesn't like that. So...we missed another month. I know there is a slim chance that there might be a strong swimmer or 2 left from Friday's interlude, but I highly doubt it. Ugh! Why can't we both be 22 again and full of energy and ready to "go" at the drop of a hat? Because that would be too easy. Now I get to go through the next 2ww with little or no hope. I guess that could be a good thing since we are getting ready to move and I will have other distractions. I look at it this way...last cycle we nailed the timing and got a BFN. Maybe I'll get a surprise this cycle since I'm so sure that we missed that ovulation boat. Keep the hope matter what.

I also want to welcome any new readers/visitors for ICLW! You can get a little bit of background about me from here and here and here. And I do stress little, there's so much more to me that I want to get out there but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. If you are new to blogging, know that there is nothing like it. The support is wonderful. I wouldn't know what to do without my blogging buddies. If you just read and haven't yet started your own (that was me a while back) I highly recommend diving in to writing. It has helped me in many ways, not just with my TTC struggles but with other things going on in my life at any given moment. And I can tell you, those moments are sometimes almost too much to handle. But then I come here and I write and I heal. And hopefully along the way I can help someone else heal a little too.

Thank You

I would love to thank everyone that left great comments for me after my last post. I really appreciate all of your understanding and your thoughts on the matter. My stepmom e-mailed me and basically said that she in no way intended to hurt my feelings and hoped that she hadn't. I responded with a very lengthy e-mail laying out everything for her. From the house to how I wish I could stay home and how I definitely didn't pick "things" over family. I told her how devastating it was when our IVF failed and I realized that I may never have a baby for our 4th bedroom. I told her how this house was FOR my family and not in PLACE of my family. I went on for quite a while, actually. She then responded to let me know that she got my e-mail but wanted to take some time and think about her reply before she sent anything back to me. I haven't heard from her yet.

It's a very tough time of year for my family. Friday was the 3-year anniversary of my brother's death. I'm not ready to share that story yet. It makes me very sad and I don't want to always write about sad things so I avoided my blog (and most of yours, too) for the last week. Now I am paying the price. I have over 50 entries to get caught up on and and it's ICLW to top it off. Good thing the boss is out this week.

Thank you again (newbies included) for your responses. I love my stepmom dearly and I'm sure this will pass. After all, there isn't even a baby to worry about yet. Seems silly to be dwelling on what may be a choice I never have to make. Or as the Com.cast guy would say in one of the funnier commercials..."seems dumb".

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

At a Loss

I have other things that I wanted to blog about today but I received an e-mail from my stepmom that has completely thrown me for a loop. I e-mailed her and my dad to update them on my doctor appointment that I had a couple of weeks ago. Basically told them that I haven't given up all hope and that the cost of IVF through the other clinic wouldn't be impossible if we really saved hard for it so on and so forth. My dad sent his best wishes and told me to keep him informed about any additional steps we take. The e-mail I got from my stepmom started out encouraging and then changed.

I know it's hard to interpret tone over e-mail and I know that she would never intend to hurt me. She raised me from 3 years old until I moved to MD at 16 so I know she loves me as her own. I have pasted her e-mail below.

I am not going to get my hopes up this time yet until everything takes place
but I do so pray that this works for you. I will say only one thing that
Dad would call me "goody-two-shoes" for, but I hope and pray that if this
works and you finally get to have a baby that you don't go back to work and
stick it in day care. I can't imagine that you would do that after all you
are going through to have a child, but then you did just build a house so I
hope you don't choose "things" over children. That is all I will say. I
wasn't going to say anything but in case this pans out I just wanted to give
you plenty of time to think about it. You never get that time back and I am
forever grateful for the time I had before things were taken away. Children
are a gift but you only have them for so long then they grow up and make
their own lives, as they should, and nothing and no one can be substitute
for a parents love. Well anyway I guess I could go on but I think I got my
point across. I hope I haven't trod on any toes and I know you will all do
whatever you decide as a family but I just had to put in my 2 cents of
motherly advice. I tried to tell my half sister the same thing when she had
her children but it didn't matter to her I guess.

I don't want anyone attacking her for these thoughts that she has shared with me. She was a SAHM. I agree with her that a mother should be home with her child(ren). I think it did me wonders as I compare myself to my friends growing up and I see the affect that daycare has on the Little Guy and other kids I know. I know it's a very old fashioned way of thinking, but I would live that life in a heartbeat if I could. BJ would love for me to stay home or maybe just work part time close to home. Even if we didn't build this house we still could not afford for me to quit my job. I carry our medical and dental benefits. The Little Guy would still have to be in daycare that we would still have to pay for because his mother works and he spends 50% of his time with her. This house was supposed to be for our family of 4...with a yard and a cul de sac that is perfect for children, and a play room and a more convenient location over all. This house was not meant to be a choice of a "thing" over a child. And my choice would not be daycare if it could be avoided. BJ's sister graciously offered to watch our child if we were lucky enough to have one. Will it kill me to go back to work all day and be away from my child? YES. Would I cry and suffer separation anxiety? YES. Would it make BJ and I re-evaluate our lives and maybe try to change things to where I could be home? MOST LIKELY. We have thought about it plenty already. At this point in our lives my option is to work away from the home. I'd love to get a degree in something and then work out of my house but I don't see that as a reality right now.

I feel like even though she says she's hoping and praying for us that she thinks I won't be a good mother because I will work. I feel like she's telling me that I'm too selfish for buying a house and that I don't deserve a child. I feel like I will ruin a child if I get to have one. I feel like maybe this is why God hasn't let me have a baby...because I choose "things" instead. I feel like a failure as a mother and I don't even have a baby.

I know what I would miss out on if I was a working mother. Like I said, I'd quit my job in a heartbeat if I knew we wouldn't go homeless. It kills me right now thinking of the lack of time I'd spend with my child during the day. And I know she means no harm by offering her advice. It's something very near and dear to her and that's fine. I'm not mad at her for expressing her feelings. She's right, in my opinion. But knowing that I will work and still sending that e-mail upsets me very much.

I didn't know what to say in response to her so I just said:

I've thought of 20 different ways I could respond to your e-mail but will just say thanks for the advice. I know you mean well and would never intend to hurt my feelings, so I will say thank you for looking out for me. I love you lots and I'm lucky to have you.

And I mean every word of that response.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Busy Weekend

Thank you everyone for your blog template suggestions. I think I like this one for now. It seems easy on the eyes and it's very neutral, like me. :-) Also, thank you for your kind words about our kitchen. I'm a little biased so it's nice to know that others think it looks nice, too. I can't tell you how many episodes of house hunters and designed to sell and sell this house BJ and I have watched and we wonder what the heck people were thinking when they decorated their homes. We stopped by there on Saturday to see what else had been done if anything. They painted! I walked in and my jaw hit the floor. We picked a color called bone white. We had about 6 or 8 shades of white to pick from and took the suggestion of the design lady, Shannon. They painted the trim, doors, chair rail and crown molding a bright white semi gloss. It looks FANTABULOUS! We were worried that we would hate the white walls because we haven't had white walls in about 3 and a half years...not so. The bone white stands out so much next to the trim that we don't feel like we will have to paint right away as we thought. Now, I will be painting the dining room sooner rather than later. That's only because I'm anxious to make it all "formal" and fancy. I won't be going by the new house until Saturday and decided to take pictures then because all the appliances, toilets and light fixtures will be installed so it will be a big change from the last batch of pictures.

So Saturday, we went to see A Christmas Carol. We took the Little Guy. It was a Disney flick but you'd never know it. It was animated so spectacularly that I sometimes forgot that it was a cartoon. There were parts of this movie that disturbed me, let alone all the little kids that were in the theater. Certain scenes were just over the top and very dark for a Disney movie, in my opinion. I enjoyed the movie and understood it and thought they did a great job sticking to the story and the dialect of the period. I just don't think it's for kids. After the movie we hung out at the new house for a while then headed to my SIL's for surprise visit. This turned into a 5 hour visit. It was fun as I got to spend some quality time with the niece and the boys got to play and the 2 men drank themselves a little silly. I've never seen my BIL drunk before. It was interesting to say the least.

We went bowling yesterday. I'm a terrible bowler and I always have been. There's no teaching me. I just do it the way I do it and that's that. BJ hurt his back while we were there so he didn't do very well, either. We didn't get the bumpers since the Little Guy was the only kid with us so he was upset that he kept getting gutter balls. I was the only one that performed well. And when I tell you my scores you might fall out of your seat from laughter, but for me, these are excellent....113, 133, 136. I was looking around for some great high 5's but there weren't any because the boys were so distressed about their own performances. *sigh* The life of a great athlete can be tough. :-)

I feel like I was on the run all weekend so AF being in town didn't affect me too much. She's just about gone today thanks to my new lighter flow and that is always a good thing. I had a few teary moments with the niece because I just so badly want a toddler of my own, but other than that I think I did ok. I even worked out a problem with the Little Guy and his cousins after a ball went wild and struck him in the face. I might actually be good at this parenting thing...if I could just get a real shot at it.

I have a question for all of you that have done IUI's and/or IVF's. What was your partner's swimmer count pre and post wash? My nurse said BJ's numbers were great but I think they were on the low side. He had just over 50 million pre-wash and I think "great" would be over 100 million. But what do I know? Our post wash numbers were 13 million, 18 million and 15 million which still seems low to me. I have been doing some reading on male fertility but since no one has ever said that BJ is a part of the problem, it's been tough to bring it up with him (you know, telling him to cut back the caffeine, don't have the laptop on your lap for so long right before we go to bed for some BD'ing...things like that). I know that I am 90% responsible for our woes, but I honestly think he might be 10% of the issue. He has had 80% motility which I think is fine but his morphology was a little low at 11. They like to see it 14 or above. Any helpful info would be great. You guys are the best and I appreciate all of your feedback!

Friday, November 13, 2009

CD1 - Again

For about the 96th time, I am on CD1. After my temp drop yesterday and then again today (down to 97.7 I think) I knew the period was coming for sure. And it did. A 27 day cycle. I told BJ last night that if this were several years ago and I was still dumb enough to think I could get pregnant that I would have bought a hpt since I am never late and I always spot beforehand. I did not buy a test because I know how it would have ended. But you don't know how much I was wishing that I had a left over test in the house. I guess I am still dumb enough to believe that I can get pregnant. After all, we timed things perfectly this month. I had the slightest hope that we might have gotten the job done. Why does hope always have to creep in? She is just cruel sometimes. But then again, without her I have nothing. So I keep hoping, and I keep trying. Let's hope that I don't keep failing. Thank you to all of you for your comments and support and your are great and I'm so glad that I found you. You have helped keep me sane.

On a better note, I have attached a couple pictures of our new kitchen. Mind you, it's a work in progress. The pictures don't do it justice at all. It feels like I'm in a mansion when I'm in that kitchen....which will have appliances and lights by Wednesday of next week! Hell yeah! I'm going to put some brushed nickel hardware on these babies to really spruce them up. Can you believe that we had to pay an extra $110 to have that glass cabinet stained on the inside? Don't you think it should just come that way?

I'm trying to find a new blog template and I'm having difficulties finding something that I like. This new one is not my favorite. I want one that is easy on the eyes. When I work on documents on the computer I have the blue background with the white much better on my eyes. I want to try and find something like that for my blog but I'm not having much success. Any suggestions out there in blog-land?
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

All Over the Place

I really feel as though I need to wear one of those drama masks with the sad face on one half and the smile on the other half. This infertility thing is a real bitch. It just never goes away. It weaves itself into every aspect of my life nearly every day. I try not to let it affect me but some days it's just too overwhelming.

I was off yesterday and BJ took off so we could hang out together. We went to the new house so I could see our kitchen cabinets in person. They took my breath away. So much better than the pictures he showed me. Although it did reiterate to me how short I am and that I will definitely need a step ladder if I want to reach anything higher than the second shelf. We got a call from the contractor stating that we are scheduled to move in a week earlier than originally planned. How awesome is that?! We will now have 2 weeks to get settled and decorated before Christmas. It made my day. That is the happy side of my face.

The sad side of my face comes from the realization that I should be going in to get my 20 week u/s from my IVF. BJ and I would have probably gone in yesterday since I was already off and we knew he was taking off work. We should have been going out to buy a few pink or blue (or both) items of baby clothes after the appointment. It amazes me how much time has gone by since that BFN result. I should be feeling kicking inside. I should be wearing maternity pants and shirts.

Instead, I'm sitting here as happy and as sad as I can be. I don't know what it feels like to miscarry so I would never compare my situation to anyone that has been through that. However, I feel like I lost 2 babies. I had 2 perfect embryos and then I didn't. They were alive when they were transferred and then they weren't. I had life in me and then I didn't. And no one can tell me why. I can't believe it's been 20 weeks (only 18 since transfer, but the docs always add the other 2 from the beginning of the cycle). I can't believe it didn't work. I can't believe that I may never have that chance again.

I saw a very tiny bit of spotting Tuesday. I haven't seen any since. My temp dropped this morning to 98.1 which is still above my cover line, but much lower than the 98.5's and 98.6's I have been getting. I'm going to jinx myself, but I haven't gotten THE headache yet. I know the period is coming so I just wish it would hurry up and get here and stop messing with me. Today is supposed to be CD1 but I guess I'm going to have a longer cycle this month. Lovely.

I do want to reiterate how excited I am to be able to move in less than a was great news to get and we are really very happy about it. Especially since a mouse came running out of the laundry room this morning into the bathroom and had BJ running all over the place trying to get it. I had already left before this fun escapade began. He told me that he was not going to leave the house until the mouse was "taken care of". Ick....December 11 can't get here soon enough.

Monday, November 9, 2009

CD24 - In a Funk

Ok, so my funk from last week has carried over to this week. I can't quite put my finger on it exactly, but as I try to figure out what it is I can only come up with a few ideas:
1. The time change. I hate the time change. I get up when it's dark, drive in the dark in the morning and drive in the dark in the evening. It's too cold to spend much time outside at lunch. I know it's in the upper 50's and low 60's most days, but I'm a sissy to the cold. I HATE the cold.
2. The leaves aren't so pretty anymore. Yes, I love to watch them turn all shades of red, yellow and orange. But when they start to all look the same shade of brown and are falling faster than my progesterone levels, it sucks to look outside.
3. We are more and more disgusted with our rental. I know I really shouldn't complain because I have a wonderful house in the works, but what the hell, I feel like complaining. The walls in the living room are wood panel. The ceiling is painted brown. The overhead light is pathetic. When the sun goes down and we close the front's like a coffin in there. We have 2 lamps and the light on and we can't even read a magazine because the lighting is so bad. It's cold. You can't flush the toilet if someone is in the shower for fear of scalding them. This seems a petty complaint, but it's something that has been grading at me/us for a few weeks now...since the time change mainly (please see #1 above).
4. I feel like I'll never have a baby to call my own. Doesn't need much explanation after that, does it? I have tried to be hopeful and positive but I'm not stupid and I live in reality (most of the time) so I know the odds. I feel like I messed up somewhere along the way. As if God holds me to a higher standard than anyone else (crazy, I know) and won't accept my thousands upon thousands of apologies for all my known and unknown sins. I feel like I'm being punished for not being a good enough Christian. I know it doesn't work that way, but it becomes an overwhelming sensation when I start to wallow in all my past wrong-doings.
5. What if our house is not all that we dreamed it would be? This is a really dumb thing to stress about and feel like crap about, but I can't shake it. We have put so much expectation on this house as if moving here will solve all of life's problems. We will still be us...just under a new roof. There will still be tons of laundry to do, dishes, bills (oh man the bills), chores, projects etc. I hope we aren't expecting too much only to be let down. I'm tired of being let down.

I feel like crying over everything and anything right now. BJ and I had a nice weekend together. I got my hair done (months overdue by the way), we did some grocery shopping, some household item shopping, we found a new JoAnn's on our travels and he offered to go in with me and even helped me look for some scrapping paper and stickers (and even let me buy some without any comments), we went out Friday night after running into someone we knew from our old neighborhood, we listened to a great was nice and fun and non-stressful. So why do I feel like this? I think it's the depression creeping back in. It seems to want to rear it's ugly head more and more lately. Plus, my period is supposed to start Thursday so my emotions are a bit wacky right now. I can pretty much tell by my mood that it's coming. This is one of those "sad" pms events instead of the usual "angry, quick tempered" ones. I think I'd rather be snippy with everyone than feel like this. I'm going to try really hard to pick my mood up because I can't be sitting here looking and feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing. My co-workers and boss wouldn't know what to do and I don't want to frighten anyone.

I promise to post things a little more upbeat next time, and maybe a little more relevant to TTC. BJ is going by the house with my camera as we are expecting some pretty big changes inside and out so I'm hoping to post some pictures in the near future. For now, I'm going to say good-bye and I sincerely hope that everyone has a great day.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Grasping at Straws

Ok, so I'm not one to fall for crazy gimmicks. I know this is probably crazy and probably most definitely a gimmick, but has anyone ever heard of The Complete Pregnancy Miracle System? I clicked on this and read about 6 of the success stories. Let me know what you think.

8DPO - Getting There...

Thank you everyone for thinking of the Little Guy and wishing him a speedy recovery. A quick update...I took his temp at 6:30 yesterday morning (knowing pretty much that I was keeping him home but he woke up coughing) and it was a bit elevated at 100.3. We gave him medicine and I told him to try and go back to sleep. He slept for 3 hours! I actually checked on him to make sure he was breathing. He got up and was starving with no fever. He had a slight fever in the afternoon but was fine at bedtime. He's coughing and congested but fever free! I'm guessing (like many of you said) that he probably had a reaction to his flu shot and just a regular cold on top of that. He went to school today, which I don't think he was very happy about because who wouldn't want another day of watching cartoons and helping their step-mom figure out her new Cricut? He actually made a card for BJ yesterday with it.

We rode by the new house yesterday to check on progress. They have gotten quite a bit done in the last 3 days. All the drywall was sanded, all the trim and doors have been installed, all the window sills, the top part of the staircase rail and the knee wall had been put on, the chair rail in the dining room was up, the gutters have been hung and the small sidewalk that will lead from the driveway to the porch had been poured. Whew! The best part is that they were taping all the windows while we were there to get ready to PAINT! Unfortunately, BJ won't be able to go by there today so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see how it looks. With the time change and it being this time of year I can't get there before dark. Bummer. And if you remember the new neighbors, the husband has been texting BJ all week last week and this week about the progress on his house. He actually sent a message Saturday asking if it was ok that they walk around our house! They have a different model and are using a different builder....why do they need to be in our house? BJ didn't respond because you can't really say "no", right? We have to live next to these people for the next 10 or so years....can't start off badly. But I've got my eye on them.

I am 8dpo today. I'm not feeling anything out of the ordinary. I'm disappointed every time I smoosh my boobs and they aren't the least bit sore. I am however, happy about the fact that my temperatures have been much more stable this cycle. I'm dreading a drop next week but I'm trying not to think about that. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's not easy, but it does me no good to sit here and wallow in self pity before anything negative has even happened, right?

We have seen 2 episodes in the last week of King of Queens dealing with pregnancy and babies. Comedy shows that portray IF struggles really don't do it justice. The first episode was about when Doug and Carrie are trying for a baby and she gets them an appointment with a clinic that tells her (on her first appointment) that one of her ovaries doesn't work so she really only ovulates about every other month. Doug's parents are in town and hi-jinx ensue when they try to BD with them there. The whole time we are watching this, BJ and I are commenting to Doug and Carrie how pointless it is to BD because that's not how people get pregnant. It was rather amusing to us to say the things we were saying, but if anyone on the outside heard us talking so negatively, they might have been a little frightened. I'm sure our bitter tone would not have amused anyone but us. :-) The other episode was last night where Doug is watching a baby while trying to convince Carrie that they need to have one. He's ready, at one point, to give it back and BJ says..."we'll take the baby". Then the baby is crying at 3:00am and Doug's having a hard time and Carrie is snoozing away. I told BJ that "that's the not fun part". And he said, "but you'd take it right now." And I said, "well, duh...of course I'd love to be up that early in the morning trying to sooth my baby back to sleep."

Anyway....the TV does not even come close to getting across the emotional aspects of IF or even the longing for a baby. It's something that no movie could ever portray in a way to really let the audience know how painful it is. Who would want to watch that, anyway? Women crying and moping about, men sitting around talking about morphology and motility numbers...not the stuff good TV is made of. So I will continue to mock movies/shows where women are trying to get pregnant or if they can't, they decide to adopt and then by the end of the season they have their little bundles. It's the happy, funny things that people want to else can we take our minds off of how miserable we are that someone hasn't written us such a nice script?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Stupid Flu Season

BJ just called me. He had to pick the Little Guy up at school because he has a fever (100.7) and isn't feeling good. Sheesh! Like we need one more thing to worry about.

He got his H1N1 shot last week. He got his seasonal flu shot YESTERDAY. Of course, his buddy was diagnosed with the flu the other day (he had gotten the mist a few days earlier) and our niece has the flu. He was around both of these children (and who knows how many more) Friday night and Saturday night.

He has a heart condition and I'm very worried about how the flu would affect him. The last thing he needs is a chest infection.

BJ thought we had some fever reducing kids medicine but we don't so I will be stopping after work to pick some up. The Little Guy hardly ever gets sick and when he does we find that the medicine we have on hand is expired. Ugh!

Please say a little prayer for him that it's not the flu and maybe just a regular winter cold. If the fever doesn't break by morning I will be staying home with him.

6DPO - Barely 1/2 Way There

I am all of 6dpo today. Today is only Tuesday. It feels like today should be at least 10dpo. *sigh*

I'm a little down in the dumps and I have no real reason to be. I think this is one of my depression times. Although, this doesn't usually happen until I'm much closer to AF. I'm trying to be more upbeat but all I want to do is just sleep and sloth around. I think some of this has to do with the fact that we went almost a week without seeing the sun. And it rained...a lot. Plus, the time changed. Add that to the fact that the trees are all dying and it just sucks the goodness out of my mood.

Halloween was good. We took the Little Guy to a neighborhood we like and met up with my SIL and her family. The niece was adorable as a puppy. She didn't feel good and was running a fever (we now know she has the flu) but she couldn't have been more content. The rain held off until about 8:00 so we got a good hour and a half in before we had to pack up. Next year I think the Little Guy's mother is going to want him so we have come up with a plan. Since we will be at our new house, we are going to decorate like crazy, dress up, scare kids and hand out candy. There should be plenty of houses built in there by that time with lots of kids to come by. It will be very hard NOT to be with the Little Guy because we have gone with him every year...oh well, we have to share.

I don't know if I've mentioned this to anyone on here, but I love to scrapbook. I've been doing it for just over a year and I love it. I go to crops (scrapbooking events with tables and door prizes and other scrappers that are usually all day events) when I can. I haven't done many since the Spring because we had to get the old house on the market and then once it sold it has become a saving money time. I went to one on 10/18 and now I'm jonesing for another one. I signed up for a retreat in January. Three full days of nothing but working on albums/pages. I can't wait. I even took a vacation day to participate. Normally, girls stay over at whatever hotel it is being held at, however, since it is only 5 minutes from where I will be living, I will just drive up there each day. It saves money and this way I can have dinner with BJ and the Little Guy each evening. Also, my dad offered to buy me the Cricut for my b-day in May. I didn't have a place for it at the old house so I took a rain check. I couldn't stand it anymore so I bought it from e-bay and it was delivered last week. I love it! I need to get better at using it because I can't seem to figure out a good way to get the little letters off the mat without tearing them. I still have no place for it at the rental, but I just had to have it in my possession. I will post pictures of my work eventually. It was my SIL that got me hooked on I blame her. :-)

Looking at the calendar and going by my past, I figure I will know for sure whether or not we were successful this month by next Tuesday or Wednesday. AF is scheduled to arrive Thursday. I hate this part of the's the part where I start to think about what IF's?

What worked?
What if...I get to tell BJ that we are pregnant?
What if...I get to tell my family (who would be on cloud 9) that they are going to have a grandchild?
What if...I get to start putting a nursery together in bedroom #4?
What if...I can finally buy all the cute little baby scrapbooking items that as of right now I just avert my eyes from?

Then I get mad at myself for even thinking such foolish thoughts. Why would this month be any different than any other month? I'll tell you why...because we timed things right and we actually have a SHOT this time. Aside from whatever has kept me from getting pregnant in the past when things were timed just right. I hate getting my hopes up and then kicking myself for getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed anyway when my period starts.

Why is this so damn hard? Sorry, I'm a bit all over the place today. I think I might be coming down with something because my temp was 98.9 this morning...and that's very high for me. I feel a bit warm right now but I also have leggins on under my pants. Not sure if I have a fever or just too many layers of clothes on. Hopefully I'm not getting sick...

Friday, October 30, 2009

Spreading the Love

I have been granted another award! Thank you so much to Wait, what? for nominating me. I love her blog because she can make me smile and make me think. She is optimistic but also realistic...and did I mention she makes me smile?

The rules for this award are simple. I LOVE YOU equals 8 letters which gives you 8 rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love.

5-Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.

6-You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.

7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.

8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here are the blogs that I would like to share the love with:

Conceive This! - Hilarious

Peanut Noodle - Soothing- like coming home and putting your soft, comfy robe on

Gracie in Brooklyn - Heart-wrenching - at least right now...poor thing.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Doctor Appointment Updates

I was so impressed Tuesday at my thyroid doc's office...I got there 10 minutes early and was taken back after only sitting there 20 minutes. Then I sat in the back room waiting for another 20 minutes...this must be a record. In walks my doctor.....ABOUT 6 MONTHS PREGNANT! What are the chances? So I say to her, "oh! look at you!" and she's a little evasive and replies, "yes, a little bit of a change." Whatever. She must have just gotten pregnant right around the last time I saw her. Just my luck. Anyway, she asked me to get more blood work and told me she would call me after she got the results. She thinks she may need to increase my meds a little. All in all it was quick and painless...aside from having to concentrate on her face as she was talking instead of drooling over her big belly.

My OB/GYN appointment went well also. I was lucky enough not to have to face any (obvious) fertiles while there. He is a very nice man and very attentive. I hadn't gotten my records beforehand but he suggested just dropping them off when I get them. Wouldn't you know they came about an hour after I got to work yesterday? Hmph. We went over my history. He asked a lot of questions. He played out several scenarios that he would normally use on someone that was just beginning this journey. Those didn't apply to me. I've already been through just about everything as far as he could tell. He sees no evidence that I have bad eggs. His belief is that I suffer from decreased ovarian reserve (DOR). He doesn't think increasing stims or decreasing stims would have any effect on the number of follicles/eggs produced. He actually said that the number of mature eggs that came from my IVF is consistent with the number of follicles I had...percentage-wise. That made me feel a little better. He is against doing a uterine biopsy as he says it's pretty painful and not that informative. He doesn't think I need a Lap procedure because he said that I don't really "present" like I have endo and since I've had so many sonos over the last year he sees no need to search for polyps. Unfortunately, he thinks my best course of action is IVF. I knew this, but was hoping for something know, something I can actually do and afford.

He said that if it were him doing it (he can't as this hospital does not have the capabilities...he can't even give u/s yet as his equipment is on order) he would not have put me on BCP for my 2nd attempt at IVF #1. He thinks that no matter the amount of stims, I would only produce 3-5 good follicles. He said that 10 days may have still been too long. He would recommend a minimum stimulation IVF. Meaning no BCP, clomid, FSH, and an antagonist. He said that BCP do not diminish cysts, they only stop new ones from forming. He would rather aspirate a troublesome cyst rather than keep suppressing me as was done by the clinic. He is most interested in my FSH levels. I was certain that they were checked on CD3 every time but that was not the case after looking over my records. It seems they only checked it once and it was borderline high...just under 10. He said that is what makes the difference in the number of follicles produced.

He made sure to let me know that he, in no way, was saying that big clinics are just trying to get their numbers up but that sometimes the focus is lost due to "mass treatment of patients". Makes sense to me. He has a friend and (in his words) mentor that has a clinic in Northern VA that he could call and see how much it would cost for a fresh cycle. He called him while I was sitting right there. I was impressed with that. The cost would be about $5,500. Still out of reach, but much more doable than the $7,900 from my clinic (with my discount). There are ways I can come up with that kind of money. It will just take a little time. And this is presuming that we are not broke after we move into our new house. :-) He also said that he didn't know if any follow up visits with him would be covered by my insurance (the first consult definitely is) but when I drop my records off for him to review, we could talk informally. I thought that was very kind of him. He also said that he has quite a few friends that still work at Johns Hopkins (where he's from and where he was certified) that he could call for me if I wanted him to. Again, I like the way this guy thinks.

I'm not sure if I want to make an appointment to take my records or just send them to him and maybe do a phone consult. I will have to figure that out.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words about our new house. I wish I could have you all over once it's ready and we could sit around the fire and chat it up all night. That would be fun. We are going to a home show Saturday and I'm very excited about that. I've never been to one because I've never really had a reason. I've seen the commercials and the flyers and always wished I could go and look I get to. Wouldn't it be nice if in 2 weeks I could say the same thing about Motherhood Maternity?

I didn't have a temp spike this morning like I should have. However, that is not abnormal for get my spike the next day, but I was hoping for it just to confirm that we timed everything correctly. I'm very confident but there is always the part of me that wonders about what my body is actually doing in there.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

O What a Day!

I'm ovulating!! And the best part is...we actually had SEX last know, right on time, to try and make a baby! Can you believe that? We had decided to wait to do anything after AF was here to make sure that we timed it right and that even though there might be pressure, it would be almost impossible to NOT be productive, if you know what I mean. And it worked! I tested with an opk yesterday morning and it looked as though I was right on the verge of being positive but not quite. So I tested after I got home yesterday and I still wasn't convinced that it was positive so I asked BJ to take a look at it. He said the 2nd line looked darker so I was on board. I've been feeling slight ovulation pinches on my right side since this morning. It's not as painful as usual and no where near as painful as when I O from my left side. I was getting worried that maybe we read the test wrong so I just tested again and the 2nd line was barely there so I know I captured my surge yesterday! Yee haw! This is the closest we have been to actually "trying" since our IVF so of course I'm WAY too excited about it. But I'm going to go with it for now...want to come along for the Great 2ww Ride?

I'm going to post more about my 2 doctor appointments (thyroid and OB/GYN) in my next post. I'm pretty busy at work catching up from being out yesterday afternoon and then this morning. See you later, gators!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

House Pictures

These pictures were taken over the 4 days it took them to frame our house. Yes, that's right...only 4 days. Amazing. It was so exciting to drive there after work every day and see the changes that took place over the previous 24 hours.

This is the view from the front door. The first room on the left is the office/study. It will be closed in and have glass french doors. It was supposed to be all open and used as a formal living room but we need a place for our computer desk and so we changed things around a little. the next room on the left is the dining room. I have never had a formal dining room so this is very exciting for me. The next room on the left is the kitchen. The right side of this hallway consists of a powder room, the entrance to the garage, the staircases up and down and the family room is around the corner to the right. Straight ahead is the kitchen eating area. We are planning on getting a really unique table for this space since it's not that big and we need to be able to open the back door that leads out to the deck. I will post pictures of the table once we actually get it. We love it because it's pretty and because we have never seen a table like it anywhere. We checked online and it's definitely out there, but I think because it's so different not a lot of people have one like it.

Here is the view from the front door with the drywall up. Quite a difference. And now it looks like a HOUSE!

Here's my formal dining room. And I can't wait to tackle putting up a nice window treatment. There will be a chair rail around the room. The bottom will be painted white/off white and I'm going to do the top in a deep "roasted pepper" red. I love the way that looks. I'm not normally a formal/fancy kind of gal, but this is going to be the first time I've been able to really decorate a house so I want to make it look really nice.

Here is my kitchen. See that pantry? Never had one of those, either. Can't wait to be able to buy a month's worth of green beans to just HAVE them on the shelf!

And how exciting is our bathroom? This bathroom is about 3 times the size of my previous bathroom. Never had a master bath. And not only do we have double sinks, but we each have our own vanity. So that means we don't have to bicker about the toothpaste in the sink or the spittle on the faucet! And I love the windows by the tub. You can't see them both but they meet in the corner and create a very nice view of the backyard and the trees.

Since it's getting darker earlier and it was cloudy yesterday, this is hard to see, but we have SIDING! It looked much better in person but my flash is too small to really light up the side of the house. It's raining today so there won't be any outside work done. I'm leaving early to go to my thyroid appointment and will swing by in the hopes that they might have gotten more accomplished but mainly to get a picture of the siding in the day light.

Monday, October 26, 2009

CD10 - Steady and Slow

Today's title refers to my ovulation cycle and our new house. This time last month, I was ovulating...not so much this time around. In fact, I have taken 4 opk's and they have all been negative. So negative in fact, that a 2nd line is nowhere to be seen. I'm hoping that is because ovulation is still a few days away and not that I have crappy opk's under my bathroom sink, in my book bag and in my purse...I think those are the only places I have stored them. :-) We are trying to time our baby makin' encounters better but the way my cycles have been the past few months has made it tough to do so. I am at the point where I am going to test twice a day because I have noticed that if I am negative in the morning, I could be positive that evening and we don't want to miss anything. My temps are running about what they should. Maybe a tenth of a degree or so higher than normal, but they are not all over the place like last month. At least not yet.

We went by our house yesterday and the workers were there hanging drywall! Yay! Things looked so different with the walls closed in. And the walls where there was no drywall we could see the insulation. The Little Guy was bummed because he couldn't "run through the walls" anymore. He hadn't been there since the electric got put in and now he not only had wires and cables running everywhere but insulation and drywall. BJ talked to the project manager today and pleaded (in a non pain in the ass way) to see if there was any way to get us in the house a week earlier. He said he'd do his best. That's all we can ask, right? The siding guys are there today and should be able to get a good chunk of that done before the rain comes tomorrow. I will go by there after work to check things out. And that reminds me...I need to post some more pictures.

I talked with my clinic last week to make sure they got my request for my medical records. They did, thankfully. I was told that the company that comes in to make copies (WHAT? There isn't someone in your office that can make copies??) will be in today. My request for my records to be delivered to me by tomorrow via e-mail has been noted. That's about all I can do. Keep your fingers crossed that I get them. I actually started a notebook with a quick, non-technical run down of what I have done over the passed 8 or so years. I don't have any bloodwork results or anything like that, but I can at least tell him a quick story. I can't even tell you how many different emotions I'm having over this appointment. I'm excited, but of course I don't want to get too excited because we can't afford any "real" treatments. However, just the thought of talking to someone new about our situation has me all giddy. I never had a real sit down of the getting-to-know-you type with Dr. M so I'm really ready for this. However, I have a feeling when I go in there, I'll probably be stammering around trying to remember my own name. BJ is actually interested in this appointment, too. Of course not enough to come, but he has asked me about it a few times and that's saying something. I have a feeling he will actually listen with both ears when I give him the run down of what the doc and I talked about.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Infertile's Bag of Tricks

In case you don't remember, I ride a bus to work. I drive to a lot, get on a bus and sit there for about an hour and 30 minutes. You might wonder how I spend this time. I listen to the radio with my headphones most mornings. If I have a book to read, I'll do that as well. I also have a Nintendo DS that BJ bought me last Christmas to play. I also need to carry my bottle of water and my lunch and my purse. You might be wondering where I put all of this stuff. Wonder no more....I carry a back pack. As I realized today, this back pack is my catch-all for anything and everything going on with me at any given time.

If you were to look through my bag you would see all of the above items and not be taken aback by any of them. I also noticed that I have a Pottery Barn catalog in my bag. I've never shopped there before and it came to the rental after I changed our address online. I love this little book and wish I could afford to furnish my whole house with these items. I have my Weight Watchers handbook in my bag. A must for anyone half assing being on a diet. There are some misc. items in there like a book light, some recipes I printed, some bills that need know, regular stuff. Then comes the front pouch. I opened it last night and had to laugh at what I found.

* a few opk's - for times like today when I'm going to start testing to see when my fertile window is.
* a few tampons - for times when I know AF is coming and I don't want to be taken by surprise and I certainly don't want them in my purse for easy viewing by me or anyone else.
* a few doses of Endometrin along with a couple of applicators.

Is that NOT the picture perfect infertile's bag? The only thing I'm missing is a HPT. I can just imagine if someone were digging through there and stumbled upon that stuff. First the look of confusion about the Endometrin and the applicators. Is this some sort of new tampon? What kind of pills are these? Not tampons silly...those are for sticking up my lady bits and dispensing those pills you are holding. Can you imagine that? I can and I hope it never happens.

I had some slight O-like pains in my left ovary yesterday evening/night. My temp was 98.0 this morning. I'm only on CD7 so I'm sure it's not ovulation, but I'm a little worried. I am starting to test today (as soon as I'm done with this post) and hopefully will get a positive in 3 or 4 days. I'm starting this early because last cycle I O'd very early and missed it so I'm trying to get a head start. My guess is that I have cyst there again. Lovely. BJ said that the new doctor will most likely want to take a look around up there and I said "good...I miss seeing what's going on up there." He said "what? you miss them being up there!" Ha ha! I had to correct him while laughing hysterically. He said he'll be glad if I get pg so that men will stop peering at me all the time. He's so funny.

One more thing....BJ and I decided that we are going to at least put up our table top Christmas tree at the rental because I CAN'T be without my twinkle (thanks NoodleGirl!). And we will make sure that all the Christmas stuff is put in the dining room at the new house on moving day. You may wonder why in the dining room....that is where the tree will be this year since we don't have a table for that room yet and it will be completely empty of anything else, so putting up the tree and some lights in the window will be easy with no other boxes in there.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Hubby

I want to take this time to recognize the man I am married to. I have a couple of stories to share with you to let you see why I love him so much. I'm not going to tell all the details of our beginnings until another day, but I do want to pass along these few stories.

BJ is one of those rough and tumble guys. He has the best blue eyes and eyelashes I've ever seen. He's big...6'1", 200lbs. He has such broad shoulders and carries himself in a way that when he walks into a room (bar, restaurant, store) people take notice of him. Sometimes I think they are scared of him. :-) He has a haircut like a Marine and tattoos on both arms and one on his leg so I think people are intimidated by him. He makes me feel so safe when I am with him and when he grabs me with one arm and squeezes, I feel like I've got bullet proof armor on. Given that description of him, it might be hard to really see what a kind and thoughtful guy he really is. Especially if you ride in a vehicle with him as he can turn into quite a brute on the road. :-)

We had steaks for dinner Wednesday night...NY Strip, his favorite. The Little Guy was with us and so he bought a 4-pack of semi-small steaks. Once they were done, he brought them in and as he was looking at them each on the plate, he said "this looks like a really good one, here." He gave me the best looking steak. Now it might not seem like much to some of you, but to me, that is a real statement. My ex would not have done that. First of all, I would have been the one cooking them and he would just assume I would give him the better steak.

We use a certain kind of toilet paper at home. Once I found this type, I won't bring anything else into the house. There is another company that makes a similar kind but it's just not the same. I had to buy that other kind the last time we needed TP because it was all they had and we were out (because I'm a major procrastinator). We are using separate bathrooms in the rental because it's just easier for me and all my "girl" stuff to be away from the boys and all their stuff. Plus, I get too irked at toothpaste in the sink and spittle on the faucet...I like things neat and clean and it causes less friction if I don't see it every morning. Anyway...the other night I needed to refill my TP holder upstairs and he went into the closet and said, "here you go. I saved you the last roll of the good stuff." How damn sweet is that? Most people would say "it's just TP, get over it". Not my man...he knows how important my aloe vera TP is to my lady bits. :-).

When we first started dating, I would drive my car and pick him up. I drove everywhere in my previous relationship so it was no big deal to me. Plus, if we went out he'd most likely drink and I was (and still am) the DD so it worked well. I needed gas in my car one time and I pulled up to the pump and started digging for my debit card. Before I could pull it out of my purse he got out and walked around to the pump. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was going to pump my gas. I was floored. At first I didn't know whether to go all feminist on him and insist that I do it myself or just let him try to impress me. I decided on the latter. As it turns out, he was not just trying to impress me...he really feels that the man should pump the gas, even if the woman is driving. WOW! He was shocked and appalled (to say the least) that my ex never did that. If I was driving, I had to pump.

The first time he helped me carry the groceries in is another time I was surprised and not sure how to act. It's hard for me to ask anyone for help, even in those kinds of situations. I'm pretty independent and I'm used to doing things on my own. Even after a year of living together I was still trying to get used to him doing things for me. I don't take it for granted, either. Every time he does something that I believe is one of those things that someone chooses to do to help the other person in their everyday life, I thank him for it. And I let him know how nice he is to me and how much I appreciate him.

I'm telling you all of this today because today marks 4 years since we were sitting in our little hang-out talking and decided that we wanted to try dating each other. I brought it up because I couldn't stand it anymore...I knew there was something going on between us and even though I was still emotionally raw from my failed marriage, I knew that this guy was for me.