tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5324562711715069062024-03-05T03:03:35.309-05:00Inconceivable!I'm a wife, mother and step-mother. It took over 10 years and many procedures but we finally have our miracle.TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.comBlogger413125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-54644956357888732372017-10-24T13:27:00.001-04:002017-10-24T13:27:37.534-04:00Hello! It's me...the Long Lost BloggerI can't believe it's been over 2 years since I've been here. I miss this place. And I want to come back. I want to share more of our story. Even if no IF's read anymore I can hopefully shed some light on what it's like to be a 40+ mom after infertility sucked the life out of me. Maybe I can help people with blended families (and maybe they can help me, too) figure out how to make all of this work.<br />
<br />
I have an IRL friend that has gotten me through more than one trial and tribulation since the birth of Baby Girl. There's so much to say. Until I can get here and write more regularly just know....Baby Girl is amazing. She's healthy (knocking on ALL the wood), she's active, sassy, sweet, sensitive, adorable, creative and just a wonderful little human. She's also really good at pushing buttons and patience to the brink. Lol We are not perfect, far from it, but she and I are extensions of each other. She has filled my life with everything I hoped she would.<br />
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Our family dynamic is in some turmoil. The Little Guy (not so little anymore) is 16 and things have not been going well for the last 2 years. Well, it's been building for many more years than that but now that he's growing up things have really been on a downward spiral. It makes me so sad to see it happening and knowing that I can't really do anything about it.<br />
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It's a tricky time of year for us financially and so the stress of that is weighing heavily on me, too. Sigh<br />
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There's much to say and I will catch everyone up little by little. I miss you all so very much. And I miss writing. Gosh, just this little post feels so good coming off my fingertips. I will be back, and soon!TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-7458381079182953392015-10-07T11:29:00.000-04:002015-10-07T12:02:50.203-04:00An Important Moment<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">Just before Baby Girl was 3 months old we had a “moment” together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will never forget the feelings that washed
over me at that time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve experienced
many moments since then but as this was the first, I want to share it with all
of you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">Baby Girl was snug in her swaddle and sleeping in the bassinet next to
our bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had been asleep for well
over an hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ and I had just settled
ourselves in bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She started grunting
and making cute little baby noises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
could hear her lifting her legs and then lowering them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would fuss a little and then stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was afraid to raise up to see if she was
actually awake because I didn’t want her to see me peering at her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was tired and ready for bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ and I were whispering to each other:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">Him – do you think she’s awake?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me – I don’t know, she’s not really crying so it’s hard to tell.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">Him – do you think she’s hungry?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(that was his answer for EVERYTHING because of my low supply issues).<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me – No, she ate really well at bedtime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If she’s awake maybe she’ll settle herself and drift back to sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">At that point she started fussing more and then she broke out into a
real cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not (nor was I ever) a
person that can let a baby cry so I got up in the dark and scooped her up out
of her bassinet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as I held her
close to me she stopped crying and fell right to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ said the magical words that washed over me
like a giant emotional tidal wave…”she just wanted her mommy.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">It hit me and I think I actually stopped breathing for a few
seconds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I am a mommy and not just any mommy, HER mommy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>I cried as I held my sleeping baby,
listening to her rhythmical breaths.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
became more than just a caretaker of an infant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>More than just a milk machine and diaper changer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was made aware of the fact that I actually
comforted my child and made her feel safe enough to just fall asleep in my
arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was pure magic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was transformed into a Mommy that night.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-size: large;">Up until that point there were what felt like 100 other instances that I
was floundering around trying to figure out how to comfort her and to ease the
crying and the fussiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were
plenty of other nights before this (and after this) when I held her but she
kept crying and the only thing to ease her tears was for her to be nursed back
to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this night was
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This night she just wanted to
be close to her mommy…and I was right there because <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> am her mommy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-35752309910572930572015-06-02T13:51:00.000-04:002015-06-02T13:51:10.665-04:00Timeh.op Reminder
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">When I opened my Timeh.op this
morning to see what cute picture I had taken of Baby Girl this date last year
and the year before, I was jolted back to this day one year ago…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had dropped her off at
daycare like any other day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was
sweet and cute and smiley.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been
working for about half an hour or so when my cell phone rang.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw the daycare’s number on the screen and
knew something must be up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will name
the daycare provider CJ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>CJ proceeds to
tell me that my sweet girl has a fever of 101.5 and that I should come and get
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s up to me because BJ is on a big job that
he was starting that very morning and he had all of his equipment on site and
he wasn’t really reachable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I finished
up a few quick things and started on my way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">About 15 minutes into my
journey, (after I left BJ a message that I was going to pick BG up) my phone
rang again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was CJ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart skipped a beat as I shakily said
hello.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what she said:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yeah, something isn’t right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I’m going to have to call 911.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BG is lethargic and not really responsive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My heart sank and my stomach
turned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mouth went dry and my breaths
became quick and shallow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her to
definitely call the ambulance and that I was on my way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her I’d call BJ again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could barely concentrate on anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began crying and begging God not to take my
baby from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called BJ and left him another
message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My next thought was to call my
sister in law because she lives very close to daycare and I wanted someone from
the family with her until I could get there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I called and got her voicemail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then I lost reception and was cut off before my message was
complete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I dialed again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She answered and I hurriedly told her the
situation and asked her to go over there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She left right away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ called me
and I had to tell him everything again because he didn’t listen to his
message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was leaving the worksite and
heading to the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called CJ to
see what was happening, and so did BJ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a frantic 45 minutes after that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There were so many phone calls going back and forth between everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>CJ quickly told me that BG seemed ok but she
could tell that BG didn’t feel good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They were playing outside and CJ was holding her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She put BG in a small chair while she tended
to another child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she turned around
BG was slumped over and she thought she fell asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her eyes were slightly rolling backwards and
she was pretty limp.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My SIL rode with BG to the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was talking to me while on the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m crying and can hardly focus on the cars
around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was trying to keep myself
aware of my speed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her that BG
had fallen the previous day and busted her lip on the hardwood floor but that
she was fine after that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mentioned a
bug bite she had on her lower back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was trying to think of anything important to tell them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mind was racing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gripped the steering wheel so tight my
hands ached.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was holding that steering
wheel like I wish I had been holding my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember just begging and begging God to
let her be ok and not to take her from me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I finally arrived at the ER
and went to the front desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was told
she was in the waiting room. What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
hurried over there and my SIL was holding BG and BJ was filling out
papers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BG didn’t even raise her head
when she saw me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t reach for
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was like she didn’t even know who I was or
that I was there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so scared when I
saw what condition she was in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was
drooling on my SIL’s shoulder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took
her and held her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was dead weight in
my arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked what the hell was going
on and why wasn’t she being seen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went
to the check in desk and told them that they needed to get someone to look at
her because something was very wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They sent someone out and
thankfully it was an old friend of BJ’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I frantically but coherently told him that something was very wrong
because this was not my child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took
some hemming and hawing but I finally got him to agree to take her vitals
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had said she was stable in
the ambulance so they weren’t rushing her treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her temp had gone down a little but her
heartrate was up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And she didn’t even
care that they were messing with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This child can’t stand when strangers touch her or even look at her so I
knew something was very wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We spent the next several
hours talking to staff, holding my girl down so they could put the urine
catcher on her lady parts (that was awful), forcing Motr.in and Tylen.ol down
her throat (she finally started fighting back), wrapping her up like a burrito
so they could draw blood and start an IV of fluids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They decided to do a chest x-ray.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They wheeled us down to the x-ray room on the
bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They asked me if there was a chance
I was pregnant and my answer was yes (more on that later) so I could not go in
with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It killed me to be away from
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was standing in the hall for less
than 5 minutes but it felt like an eternity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She was inside that room and I couldn’t hear or see anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the door opened, BJ was holding her and
she was wearing a hospital gown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was
the cutest little patient I had ever seen. And she SAW me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She REACHED for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was ALERT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what happened but she seemed to
be getting better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took her in my arms
and just squeezed her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Back in the room they gave us
a bottle with some water in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
started drinking it and she even smiled and acted a little goofy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her poor arm was wrapped in one of those hard
plastic things to keep her from getting to her IV and bending her arm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t like it very much but she was a
trooper.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everything came back
normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They looked in her eyes and her
ears and they said that she had a bit of an ear infection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then they told us she was dehydrated and they
were sending her home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Um.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She was drooling and crying real tears and she filled her diaper and her
fluid catcher…that doesn’t sound like dehydration to me but whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They didn’t find anything else and told us to
see her Ped the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ went back
to his job site while I waited for us to be released.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They thought that maybe she had a seizure
from her fever but they never confirmed that and I guess there’s no way to
accurately prove it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was never
shaking or twitching, just lethargic and non-responsive.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">CJ came by our house that
evening and recounted everything that happened that morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said that BG drank plenty of milk that
morning with her breakfast so she didn’t know where that diagnosis came from,
either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so touched that CJ wanted
to come over and check on BG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had
been so scared, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 14 years of
being a provider she had never had to call 911.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Leave it to us, right?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Ped saw BG the next
morning and was confused as to why they said she was dehydrated, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said her numbers were a little low but
that it did not constitute dehydration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hmph<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stupid ER.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He checked her out and did a few tests on her
to gauge her mental state and seemed happy with all of her responses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He also said that her ear was a little pink
but not much.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Needless to say, that was the
scariest day of motherhood so far for me (at that time…more to come).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BG has had much higher fevers since then and
has never had that reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her Ped
thinks it was some sort of neurological episode but without a recurrence we
will never really know what happened that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thanks to Timeh.op I just relived that whole experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes me want to shudder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought for sure that God was going to take
her from me and I was so far away from her that she would “go” without her mama
by her side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was certain that day that
the dreaded <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">other shoe</i> was
falling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love that little girl more
than my own life and I am forever grateful to have her and that she is healthy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-67353012528571477032015-04-09T12:52:00.002-04:002015-04-09T12:52:50.450-04:00The A-ha Moment
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve been wondering why it’s been so hard for me to come here and
write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to write a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s so helpful to write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s my own version of therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would venture to say that a lot people that
have a “life” blog are better at expressing themselves through writing than any
other method of communication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
statement holds true for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve always
been this way and I don’t think I will ever change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I try to verbalize my feelings I get
choked up and overcome with emotion and I tend to not say the whole truth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I write, it all comes out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spill my emotions onto the page in front of
me and then I hit “publish” and I feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I also feel a little trepidation at what people will think of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m always worried that someone will think
badly of me or misunderstand my words and get angry with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess another personality trait I have is to
try and please everyone.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It recently dawned on me that I haven’t been here much because it hurts
to come here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hurts just as much to
try and write through my feelings and thoughts as it does to verbalize
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been hiding my emotions for
so long that I don’t know how to break through the wall and let myself <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feel</i> again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still have plenty of feelings but I don’t
let others see them very often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of
course I let everyone see me smile and laugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No one gets to see me sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, scared, and angry
or any of the other emotions that could be construed as negative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because after all, what could I possibly have
to feel negative about, right?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread (and a 5mg Lexapro every morning)
and if I open the gates I will fall into a depression like no other I have ever
experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m scared of being swept
away by a flood of pent up pain, anxiety, fear, anger and failure.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">need</i> to write but I’m scared
to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m scared to voice the negative and
give it life on the outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As long as
it’s stuffed way down deep it doesn’t have a chance at over taking me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have control over what I write even though
I don’t feel like there is much more in my life that I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">can</b> control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So my rationale
is that if I don’t write it then I don’t have to feel it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a vicious circle I live in.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I thought I could come here and write about the positive things (because
there are a LOT of positive things) that happen(ed) but I feel sort of fake and
disingenuous if I don’t write the truth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So I haven’t really been writing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m also concerned about my daughter’s and my family’s privacy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been so open about things here that
anyone that knows me IRL would be able to figure out that it’s me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they can figure out that’s it’s me then of
course they know who Baby Girl is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
never really thought about how my writing could affect the Little Guy because
most of my past life details won’t really affect him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, Baby Girl is a different story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am her mother and what I write has the
potential to affect her in the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She is related to the family that I write about and while I don’t care
much about the details I’ve shared, she may.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m hoping to regain my strength to write and face my emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until I do, you may still see some time
lapsed posts rolling through your blog feed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thank you for sticking with me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-57375907626827698282015-03-20T11:04:00.001-04:002015-03-20T11:04:48.086-04:00Four Songs
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I started singing to Baby
Girl when she was in the womb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
know all the words to very many “kids” songs so it was tough coming up with
songs that I could sing without the help of a CD or the radio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were a few and I would sing them when I
wasn’t listening to other music.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t think I sang to her in
the hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a hectic, jumbled
time and my days and nights had no separation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t think the light behind our bed was ever turned off so the
lighting in the room was pretty much the same all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That changed once we got home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We turned lights off and
people actually went to bed for the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was quiet and peaceful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
helped me get back on a regular sleep pattern (even though I wasn’t sleeping
much, my body knew when it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">supposed</i>
to be sleeping).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">While trying to get BG back
to sleep I would walk the floors downstairs and sing to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started singing songs that I knew all the
words to and that I hoped would be soothing to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mainly I just needed easy songs to sing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first one that came to mind was Jesus
Loves Me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s not many lyrics so that song was over
pretty quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next song that
popped into my head was Jesus Loves the Little Children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned these songs when I was probably 4
or 5 years old so I can’t believe that I even remembered the words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next
up was the ABC song.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one is great
because I can make it fast or slow, cheerful or more low-key.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next song that I wanted to sing to her
was a challenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a lot of
emotion tied up in the last song because it’s the song BG was named after.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a song that my Grandmother used to sing
in church. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would close her eyes and
sing this song and tears would run down her cheeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was an emotional song for her because her
mother used to sing it and because my Grandmother was very close with God, that
song was like a hug from Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That song
is Amazing Grace.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I tried for weeks to sing
this song to Baby Girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t get
through the first few words without breaking down into a puddle of tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The PPD and regular post-pregnancy hormone
shifts made it impossible to sing that song without the grief I was feeling
from the loss of my Grandmother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t
just my loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she died I knew she’d
never get to meet any children I may have been able to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Losing her was also Baby Girl’s loss and that
made me sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So for the first 8 to 10
weeks I was only ever able to get through the first 3 songs of our
routine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only know the first verse so
after I sang that verse I would hum it over again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been singing those
same 4 songs to Baby Girl every night as I put her to bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s been a handful of times when she’s
been so tired that I haven’t finished all 4 but I don’t count that as breaking
the streak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s now
almost 26 months old (what?!) and it never gets old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are to the point now where I can tell that
she’s pretty tired and can’t focus on reading books anymore so I will ask her, “do
you want mommy to sing, now?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And she
will nod and I will sing and she will fall asleep.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m sure that there will come
a time when she will not want me to sing to her at bedtime but for now I will
keep singing those 4 songs while I watch her drift off to sleep in my arms,
ever thankful and gracious that I have her to sing to.</span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-13010217210737319812014-11-12T15:31:00.003-05:002014-11-12T15:31:28.614-05:00Saturday Mornings
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love Saturday
mornings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For about a year now we have
had pretty much the same routine in our house and I am perfectly fine with
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never gets old (at least not yet)
and I look forward to it all the time.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Baby Girl wakes up between 6:15
and 6:45.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I groan at how early it is and
then I get up to go to the bathroom while BJ goes in and collects the
baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He brings her into our bed and
holds her until I come out of the bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I climb back in bed and she just about breaks her neck to come over and
snuggle with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first few times we
did this she fell back to sleep for anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was awesome but didn’t last too long.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We lay there for 15 to 30
minutes…just snuggling and hugging and talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She’ll point to things and I’ll tell her what they are, she’ll spring up
and laugh and then fall down on me again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have to practically beg her to give daddy some snuggles, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has turned into quite the mama’s girl in
the mornings.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We eventually get up and I
change her diaper and we head downstairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I grab her milk out of the fridge and we turn on the TV and snuggle up
and watch one 30-minute cartoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I
pass her off to BJ and go in the kitchen to make her breakfast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is wise to this and has started coming in
the kitchen and getting under my feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Stinker.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">While she’s eating, I clean
the kitchen from the night before (I go on cleaning strike Friday nights
because I’m tired and lazy and just want to do nothing) and grab a quick bite
to eat.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">After she eats I leave her in
the living room to play with BJ while I get dressed and ready for the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She usually fills her diaper at this point so
one of us will change her and then I’ll get her dressed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By this time I’m about to start running around
like a chicken with my head cut off because somehow time always FLIES by when I
think I’m doing a good job of staying on track.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I pack up the diaper bag and
load it and my purse and phone into the car, get her shoes on and rush out the
door…late as usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where are we going
in such a rush, you ask?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We go to story
time at the library on Saturday mornings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We usually show up
right as it’s starting but I’ve actually gotten a little bit better at getting
us out of the house on time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We only
live about 7 or 8 minutes from the library so you would think I could get us
there on time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I love story time because it
is something we can do together for years to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She loves going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She dances and plays and acts silly and
cuddles with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She used to be the
youngest in attendance but more toddlers and babies have started coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m pretty sure I’m the oldest mother there
but I don’t really care about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
matters is that we do this together and that she learns to love books and
reading and singing and dancing as much as I do.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Story time is one of the few
activities that occur on weekends for toddlers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s almost impossible to find something for us to do on Saturday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Almost everything that our county offers
takes place during the week and during the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Just about everything is geared toward the stay at home mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is great because I know that stay at
home moms need activities to keep their kids busy and themselves sane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem with that is that we working moms
struggle to find things to do on the weekends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Baby Girl would be just as happy to stay home and play all day and take
TV breaks but I can’t do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a
mover and a shaker on Saturdays so I need to get out of the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sunday is a different story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m perfectly happy to lounge around and not
do anything on Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Saturday
mornings…those mornings are the highlight of my weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure I’m more excited to go to the
library than Baby Girl is right now. I think I'm more enthusiastic about these things because I never thought I'd get to do them. I never thought I'd be a mom at the library so I'm sure I go overboard with the dancing and singing and such. That's ok...she's too young to realize that I'm probably embarrassing her. LOL</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So yeah, I went from sleeping
in on Saturday mornings to being woken up before the sun comes up and I couldn’t
be happier about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love our Saturday
morning routine and I hope it’s something that we can continue for years to
come.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-14393654558222515122014-10-14T16:07:00.003-04:002014-10-14T16:07:56.855-04:00Sibling Rivalry - Sort Of
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We have a problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first step to getting help is admitting
that there is a problem, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
problem is not one I was prepared for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s one of those things that you don’t really want to talk about for
fear of what others may think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have kept
it pretty quiet thus far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We elude to
the problem very vaguely and with humor while trying to cover up the
problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sounds a little like
infertility, doesn’t it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s definitely
not that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not anymore, anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The problem is the
relationship between our Baby Girl (BG) and the Little Guy (LG).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When people ask us what he thinks of her we
are very honest with our answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
loves her to pieces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He adores her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s great with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When people ask us what she thinks of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">him</i> we cringe and stammer out a less
than truthful answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She loves
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They play well together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hit or miss…you know how toddlers are.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Blah<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The truth is that she doesn’t
really like him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She doesn’t like it
when he tries to pick her up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She doesn’t
like it when he touches her or holds her toy or even lays on one of her blankets
on the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I ask him to put her in
her high chair she takes off running and tries to hide from him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes she will come into the kitchen and
try to hide behind my legs…all the while whining and trying to get away from
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has hit him on several occasions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She refuses to tell him “night, night”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She acts like it’s the end of the world if we
ask her to give him a goodnight hug.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He’s never been mean to
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s never alone with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He “picks” on her sometimes like a big
brother does but it’s nothing that should make her behave this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s very upsetting to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s upsetting because I want to tell him to
just leave her alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop trying to get
a hug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop trying to pick her up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then the other side of it is that I’m
upset because I don’t know how to fix this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She’s 20 months old (how did THAT happen?) and I feel like I can’t leave
her with him for fear that she will have a complete meltdown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s 13 so I know he could handle watching
her for short amounts of time but the anxiety I would feel while away is just
not worth it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are always inclusive when
we are playing with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We include him
in everything and try to make playing with him fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We hug him to show her that hugging him is
ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing is working.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are times that she
completely surprises us and sits with him on the couch while they watch
cartoons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there’s times that she
sits on his lap while he reads her a story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When we are playing on the floor we can sometimes get her to happily
include him in our activity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we are
eating dinner she will be silly with him across the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will take her outside and they will color
with chalk or walk around in the driveway by themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those times are the rarity, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It breaks my heart because I know how upset
he gets when she pushes him away and wants nothing to do with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loves her so much and she acts like he’s
the enemy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s awful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ gets annoyed with her and tells her to “stop
acting like that” and “why are treating your brother this way?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Quit being mean to your brother”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate that he tells her she’s mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not untrue but I don’t like it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It started when she was about
13 or 14 months, I guess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s getting
worse as she gets older.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just don’t
know how to handle it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s with us 50%
of the time meaning every other day and every other weekend so it’s not like
she doesn’t see him enough to grow attached to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really thought that by now she’d be excited
to see him and sad when he leaves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead, she refuses his hugs and couldn’t care less when he’s
gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, that’s not true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She does ask about him when he’s not there
but not in an “I miss my brother” sort of way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s more of a “where is he?” and that’s it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Anyway, I’m at a loss here
folks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not like talking about this
with people because they get a look on their face that makes me want to crawl
into a hole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve had one person ask me
if the LG has done something to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ugh…I
know he hasn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s never alone with
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel ashamed and I don’t even know
where to turn for help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know
people with children this far apart in age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The only reference I have is myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m 8.5 years older than my brother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The thing is, he wanted to be with me all the time while we were growing
up so I can’t understand why BG wants nothing to do with her big brother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any advice out there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m feeling rather defeated right now.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-8670301491841400452014-10-06T11:12:00.003-04:002014-10-06T11:12:48.506-04:00Ahem...It's Me...Again
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know, I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep saying that I’m coming back on a
regular basis because I have so much to say and then I disappear for months
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been doing some thinking and
I have come to realize why I haven’t been back here.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s just too hard.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s too hard to revisit the
pain, depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, uncertainness, fear and
exhaustion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time I start to write
a post I stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get overwhelmed with
emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ones I just listed and
others as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See, there’s this thing
called Survivor’s Guilt and I have a hefty amount of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I shouldn’t, but I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those are the reasons it’s so hard to come
here.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The problem is that I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">need</i> to come here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to tell my story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever since I started telling my story I’ve
found this space to be my safe haven.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can share my craziest of crazies and my saddest of saddest and yes, my happiest
moments too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> to come back here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
need the outlet and I need your guidance and your support and your advice.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m sure I’ve lost most of my
readers and that is to be expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With
my absences why would anyone stick around?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If there is anyone left out there that can help me navigate my feelings
of parenting after infertility I would welcome them with open arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as any of my regular readers know, I’m a
step-mother, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my goodness, the
trials and tribulations of helping to raise a 13-year-old boy are numerous to
say the least.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to voice my concerns and my feelings
and have people give me another point of view.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I like it when people give me another way of looking at a situation
because sometimes I can be so caught up in it that I can’t see straight.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think I will start in the
here and now and fill in the blanks as I go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t need to post novels, I just need to post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to work through my feelings and this
is the best way I can think of to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t want to see a professional so I do what so many other people
do:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I post my inner most feelings and
thoughts on the internet and let readers have at it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LOL<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hope there are still a few
people out there but if not, that’s ok too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I need to do this for me and my well-being more than anything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this time, I mean it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-72072649519637170222014-05-12T11:33:00.001-04:002014-05-12T11:33:11.119-04:00The First Few Days of Motherhood - Part 3
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok, so I think I want to at
least get through our hospital stay before I start reliving my ppd/ppa/ptsd
issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bear with me, if you will.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Lactation Consultant was
off on the Friday that we were in the hospital, of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She also does not work weekends, of
course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had really hoped to see her
again and get more help and advice because it was pretty obvious by that time
that we were going to have BF’ing issues.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">BG’s nursery visits were
getting shorter and shorter, which was good because that meant that she was
able to regulate her temperature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
beginning to worry about her bowel movements, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had the handy-dandy sheet to keep track of
her wet and dirty diapers and she was a peeing machine but she hadn’t had a
“recordable” BM in about 7 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
asked the nurses about it and they didn’t seem concerned and just told me to
keep an eye on her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Um, ok.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Spending that time with her
was magical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like I was getting
the hang of things as far as her care was concerned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(HA!!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Two nurses actually complimented me on my swaddling abilities which I
let go to my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was an instance
when BG was crying and I was trying to get her to sleep but I wasn’t having
much luck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was about to pee my pants
so I set her in the bassinet and before I even finished my business she was
sound asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that maybe I had
one of those babies that just wanted to be put down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(HA!!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She would do this funny heavy breathing thing before she started crying
and that became my cue to go to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
of the nurses was in the room when she did this and laughed and called her a
drama queen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another nurse told me how
quiet and content she was when she was in the nursery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She commented on how BG would just lay there
and look around and “watch” everything that was going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that maybe I had one of those
babies that would just be content and observant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(HA!!)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">On our last night in the
hospital BJ and I got into a tiff regarding how to soothe the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had planned on going home anyway because
he had to work but he left in a bit of a huff and I have never felt so
abandoned in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were talking to
a nurse about pacifiers vs letting the baby suck on our finger to help her fall
asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were trying to avoid any
nipple confusion and I was becoming petrified that if she sucked on anything
other than me she would not want ME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Those were irrational thoughts but that’s where I was and that was the
first sign of anxiety but of course I was way too emotional to recognize
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ and I made up via text messages
but I still felt like I was going to have a breakdown at any moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse even apologized to me for HIS
behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She could obviously see the
pain I was in at the time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The day we went home I was
able to pump about 1 drop from my right breast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The nurse looked at it and was obviously disappointed at what she
saw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been pumping after almost
every feeding for about 10 minutes each time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had been putting the baby to my breast every 2 to 3 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had done everything I could to keep her
awake at the breast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not having
much luck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She just wanted to sleep on
me…but she was sucking and I knew that was important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse we had that day examined my
incision and noticed that my pubic area was swollen and bruised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had noticed but figured it was just
retaining fluid like the rest of my body was from the Pitocin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was concerned and asked me how my belly
wrap was fitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, I had been
wearing it wrong for 2 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The edge of
it was digging into my pubic area and was causing me harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How I didn’t notice this is beyond me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was really swollen and quite bruised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said that it was supposed to be worn like
a mini-skirt, not like a belt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder
why no one told me that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She also said
that the one I had was too small.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lovely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So she got me a new one
and oh how grateful I was to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
examined my breasts and said that she felt my mammary glands and that my milk
should be in shortly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yay!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was discharge time!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was packing the room up and
waiting for BJ to arrive with the car seat when the pediatrician came in with
instructions for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is another
doctor at the practice where I would be taking BG.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She came in without a smile and was very
business-like and stone faced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“You are going to need to
finger feed her X amount of formula after every feeding until Monday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need to make an appointment with our
office to have the baby seen on Monday (today was Saturday).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s slightly jaundiced and she’s lost just
under 10% of her weight, ok?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was totally thrown for
another loop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now we have a weight
issue, too?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AND jaundice?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What will be next?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to mention that I was just about to cry
when the doctor left the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was
so cold and so blunt and just so matter of fact with the news she just
delivered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She left a bad taste in my
mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made a decision that day that I
would see ANY other doctor in the practice but not her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">BJ showed up and I told him
what the problem was and he just shook his head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t anything go right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can’t we be a “normal” couple that has a
baby and just goes home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do we have
to have all these issues?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ugh<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had the nurse show me how
to use the syringe to finger feed my baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was so upset but I was just going through the motions and trying
really hard to concentrate on what she was saying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were finally discharged in the
afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Baby Girl was so tiny in her
car seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dressing her in her going home
outfit was challenging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had only
worn t-shirts and socks up until that point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her overalls said “together at last” and that could not have been more
appropriate considering what we went through to get her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We loaded everything into the
car and I took a ride in the wheelchair…still feeling detached from the whole
experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were taking a baby
home…to our house…to keep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still find
it hard to fathom at times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We stopped
at the pharmacy for my pain meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
cold and damp and windy so I stayed in the car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When we pulled up to our house it had been decorated by my
friend/neighbor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were balloons and
cut outs and a banner welcoming our baby by name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so wonderful to see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The friend came over just as we were bringing
everything inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ had cleaned the
house from top to bottom and it was great to walk in to a sparkling clean
house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had cleaned it before we left
but since we have 2 cats and the boys had been home while I was away I guess it
got a bit messy in my absence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I let my
friend hold the baby while I prepared to feed her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once my friend left and we
were alone with the baby I could not stop staring at her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually laid her down long enough to take
her picture in her bassinet but for the most part she was either in my or BJ’s
arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">home</i> with our <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">baby</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I almost started crying when I realized that
I had not taken a picture of me holding the baby on her first night in the
house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We quickly took a few pictures
and BJ headed off to bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was stuck on
the couch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he left to go to bed I
cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was alone, again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know how much sleeping on separate
floors would affect me until several days later.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That first night was
rough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was exhausted but I kept
setting my alarm for every 2 hours so I could nurse the baby and then give her
the formula.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was extremely difficult
finger feeding a newborn by myself but I managed to do it twice over
night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke up with every little noise
she made and I must have checked her breathing at least 10 times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I almost felt guilty for sleeping when I was
actually able to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s crazy to
think about now because I honestly don’t know how I was able to accomplish
anything with the lack of sleep I had been getting since she arrived.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wow, this post has gotten
really long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll stop babbling
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I get going it’s hard to stop
because all of these details come flying back to me and I’m reliving them each
time I post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the feelings are
great to experience again but others, not so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m trying to condense things but apparently
I’m not so good at condensing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-70744589894102612352014-04-28T15:28:00.002-04:002014-04-28T15:28:17.496-04:00The First Few Days of Motherhood - Part 2
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Staying in the hospital was
like a dream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t mean like a
fantasy…I mean like a dream that I experienced but that didn’t really
happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s so many things about the
early days of motherhood that seemed unreal to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found myself not asking questions when I
should and listening hollowly as medical professionals spoke to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if it was just the sheer shock
of having an actual baby or if it was the result of the chaos that ensued
around us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I say “chaos” I don’t
mean that things got really crazy and out of hand but in my world and my mind
things were definitely not going the way I thought they would so it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">felt</i> very chaotic to me.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was anxious for the nurse
to come and get Baby Girl and take her to the nursery so that she could be
checked out by her pediatrician.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ate
breakfast and kept attempting to nurse my little bundle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurses had been in throughout the night
giving me pain meds and taking both of our vitals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those visits on top of trying to feed the
baby did not provide me with much sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thank goodness for adrenaline.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They took the baby and we
waited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While we were waiting they
FINALLY brought me a pump and showed me how to use it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They said that they could take whatever
little amounts I got out with a syringe and feed it to the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was happy since it was now 24 hours after I
had given birth and we still could not get a good latch on my left side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Lactation Consultant (I’m calling her
Betty) came in and we chatted for a few minutes and then she said she’d come
back once the baby was in the room again so we could practice latching and
holding techniques.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We were informed that Baby
Girl was still having temperature issues so they kept her even longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pumped and waited…and waited…and
waited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally the pediatrician came in
and started talking to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the
same guy I went to see when we thought there was a problem with BG’s head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t sure I wanted to trust him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He started out the conversation like this:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor – “We are thinking that
she has a hemangioma on her neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll
want to take a closer look at it maybe with an ultra sound in the coming
weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t seem to be causing any
breathing or swallowing issues right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The one on her head, though, might be a cyst of some sort…”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Me – “What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s on her head?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t see anything on her head.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doctor – “We’ll want to take
a better look at it to make sure it’s not attached to any brain tissue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tech on site might not want to perform a
scan on a newborn so you may need to get a specialist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll also want to check her out to make sure
there aren’t any others internally that we can’t see with our naked eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When there’s more than one we get a little
concerned that we might have a bigger problem on our hands.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t remember much more
about that conversation because I was again overcome with such worry that I
could barely see straight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept
thinking things like:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We did DE because
I have bad eggs and now my poor baby STILL has some sort of health issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is this happening?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were so happy when her skull got the all
clear from the other doctor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are we
going to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is she going to have to
have skull surgery and/or surgery on her tiny little neck?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will these things grow and prohibit her from
a “normal” life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t say any of
this out loud at that time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
silenced with worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctor left and
BJ and I just sat in silence.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They finally brought BG back
to us once she was at a proper temperature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I pulled her hat off that she had been wearing for over 24 hours (except
for the time I took a picture of all her hair) and rubbed my fingers lightly
over the top of her head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure enough,
there was a big lump on her head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her
hair was so thick that we couldn’t see it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We could only feel it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so
upset.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her head was so tiny and this
huge lump felt like the end of the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now we had to wait for the u/s to tell us more.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Betty came in and helped me
latch BG right away on each side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
thrilled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was determined to get this
child to eat and to succeed at SOMETHING that my body was meant to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We nursed and visited and cuddled and it was
great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the while in the back of my
mind I was wondering if something was seriously wrong with my little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept asking myself if I was being punished
in some way for the method in which we brought her into this world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I dismissed those thoughts as much as I could
because I just wanted her to be ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nothing else mattered to me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have already written about
my physical trials after the birth so I won’t rehash everything here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will say that having the catheter was the
BEST part of the birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before the
surgery I had to pee what felt like every 10 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the catheter in I didn’t have to pee at
all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just laid around and enjoyed being
lazy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had a voracious appetite in
the hospital and they would bring me 3 meals a day along with a couple of
snacks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ate like a crazy woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also did not have any more nausea or
heartburn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started taking notes when we checked in but
as soon as all the bad news started coming our way I quit writing things
down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had hoped to have a full record
of everything that went on but that is not to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Coming here and spilling everything that I
can remember is going to have to be good enough.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Next post will be more about
my emotions and feelings during our time in the hospital and the weeks
following discharge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is only recently
after reading another blog that I realize that I not only went through one hell
of a bout of PPD but also PPA (post-partum anxiety).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t pretty…and it lingers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of my readers suggested that maybe I also
have a bit of PTSD and I would not be surprised about that, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These feelings and emotions were much more
than I ever expected or could have anticipated.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-35990735361717053362014-04-22T11:21:00.000-04:002014-04-22T11:21:23.025-04:00The First Few Days of Motherhood - Part 1
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The first few days of
motherhood were like a dream and a blur and a whirlwind of emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you remember, we were told there was
something wrong with Baby Girl’s head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They said it was too small and that it “fused” prematurely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmph.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There were so many emotions during and immediately following her birth
that I was completely overwhelmed…so much so that I think I sort of shut down
in many ways and totally overreacted in other ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hard to put into words but I’m going to
try.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the recovery room I was
nauseated and tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been up most
of the night with contractions and stress and then had the emotional let down
of having to have a c-section and then the elation of giving birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was all over the place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ and the on call pediatrician came in to
see me to talk about what they found while examining the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They found nothing wrong with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only was her head not too small but it
also was not fused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything was as it
should be and I could not have been more relieved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My anger at those technicians has not
subsided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I blame them for the worry and
the stress and for basically ruining the last week of my pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also blame them for the urgency my doctor
felt to get the baby out instead of giving me a few more days to see if I would
go into labor on my own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know there is
no sense in carrying this anger but right now I just can’t let it go
completely.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">BJ brought BG to me and I
cried but I didn’t cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were no
tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was too emotional to cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I held her close and looked at her little
face in awe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had the Vaseline on her
eyes and she was a little discolored but she was perfect and her warm little
body felt so good in my arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did a
little skin to skin and tried to get her to latch and eat but we didn’t have
much success on that front at that time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is much more on breastfeeding ahead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just held her and kissed her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sister in law came in and we ooh’ed and
ahh’ed over our little bundle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ was
starving so he headed down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just after he left the nurse came to take the
baby to get her first bath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was upset
because BJ was going to miss it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
sister in law said she would take some pictures for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also learned that the Little Guy and his
mother had arrived and would be watching as well.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I drifted in and out of sleep
until it was time to go to my room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everyone converged in our room shortly thereafter and they brought BG to
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We tried latching again and had a
brief moment of success on the right side but the left side was not really
working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked if I should use a pump
but they said I didn’t need one at that time (early afternoon) and that we
would try again later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hindsight is 20/20
here ladies.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was holding the baby in my
left arm and there was a nurse standing on my right side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said, “oh, does she have a bruise from
the birth?” and pointed at a spot on her neck just under her chin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw it and was immediately worried that the
stress of the birth had been too much and she was somehow bruised while being
taken out of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I touched the spot and
was horrified to feel a huge lump under her skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurses touched it and so did BJ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so upset at this new development that I
could barely speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all the
worrying over her head that we did now we have this new condition to contend
with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The staff told me that BG’s
pediatrician would look it over in the morning during his usual rounds and that
we’d have some answers then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Great…more
worrying and stressing over the health of my child that was only a few hours
old.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everyone left and BJ and the
Little Guy stayed with me for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Little Guy’s grandfather came for a visit and to take the Little Guy
back to his house for the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
convinced BJ to go home and get some sleep in our own bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He didn’t want to leave but I knew how tired
he was and that he’d never sleep in the chairs in the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised that I would call the nurses if I
needed help getting the baby out of the bassinet (I was still confined to my
bed).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as we were talking the nurse
that was checking BG’s vitals told us that her temperature was too low and that
she needed to go under the lights in the nursery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So they took her from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sent
BJ to look after her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was gone for
so long that they had to finger feed her some formula…and I still did not have
a pump.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had 3 semi-failed nursing
sessions by now.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She finally came back to me
and we tried nursing again with little success.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The nurses promised me that the LC (lactation consultant) would come see
me in the morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll call her
Betty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ went home and I cried…big
crocodile tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was afraid to be
alone with the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had never spent
the night alone in a hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had
been years since BJ and I slept apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was a mess to say the least.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made the
best of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laid her in the bed with
me on her boppy and we dozed and nursed every 2-3 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was exhausted but running on
adrenaline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was so adorable in her little hat that I
kept taking pictures of all her cute little faces she was making.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had the hat on most of the time since she
had been born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took it off and admired
her full head of thick black hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
wonder I had heartburn so bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put the hat
back on to make sure she stayed warm and I went to sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-60046524479557047642014-04-21T11:49:00.000-04:002014-04-21T11:49:35.437-04:00Welcome to ICLW!
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hi there, and welcome!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I haven’t participated in this event in quite a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m trying to get back into a regular groove
of blogging but it’s been a struggle because I’ve been away for so long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have MUCH to say and I’m starting to get my
butt in gear but it is very slow going.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You can see my journey over on the side bar but in case you don’t
want to trudge through all of that here’s the short(er) version.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It took me over 10 years, 2 husbands, several IVF’s, lots
and lots of tears and money but I FINALLY have my miracle Baby Girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is the light of my life and my reason for
getting out of bed in the morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
not exaggerating, either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This blog is about my life, my daily struggles, my family,
step-parenting and basically a place where I come to vent, cry, laugh and
appreciate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m contemplating some
changes but never seem to have enough brain power to really decide what I want
to do with this space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For now it will
remain and I will keep coming here to tell our story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a lot to say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have noticed that the blogroll for ICLW is really short
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that may have something to
do with Reader going bye-bye last summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know it affected me and how I read and follow blogs so I’m sure it
affected many others as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you
have a resource to recommend for organizing/storing/reading blogs these days…please
share.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d love to figure out a better
way to stay connected to folks again…on my desktop and my phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thank you for stopping by!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-19474253201948110512014-03-26T16:07:00.001-04:002014-03-26T16:07:17.876-04:00My Physical Recovery - Part 2
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thank you for the kind (and understanding) words on my last
post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s nice to know that maybe I’m
not such a wimp after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can imagine that having more c-sections
would “toughen” someone up…especially if there were another baby/toddler to
chase after and care for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There wouldn’t
be time to sit around and feel everything because you’d be too busy…you
wouldn’t have time for the pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
makes total sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was more to my
physical recovery than just my surgery and so I’m going to share that with you
now.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve mentioned my wrist pain…I’m sure you’re sick of hearing
about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It started while I was
pregnant and I figured it was just tendonitis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wore a brace, had a cortisone shot, iced it…nothing worked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then while I was in the hospital my other
wrist began hurting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It actually was
worse than my left wrist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I dealt with
it because I had no choice but to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It really made handling the baby difficult and painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bath time was the worst.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to hold her so tightly because she was
wet and wiggly but my wrists would scream with pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was like someone was taking an ice pick
and digging around in each hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
really difficult to say the least.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
forget trying to take her infant seat in and out of the car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holy Hell…that caused such a burning
sensation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">BJ told me that I needed to see the doctor again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was extremely hesitant because I knew the
next step would be surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How on earth
would I care for an infant while recovering from wrist surgery?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to mention that I didn’t want to be away
from her for more than 10 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
bucked at the idea of seeing the doctor and just suffered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This went on for about 4 months, maybe a little more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day I happened to notice that my wrists
were not hurting as much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could pick
the baby up, move my thumbs and even grip things again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Miraculously, I was getting better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each day and week that would pass after that
I got better and better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My only theory
is that most of my pain was caused from pregnancy hormones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d read that being pregnant makes you more
susceptible to carpal tunnel but that is not what I had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, once the hormones fully got out of
my system, I was better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My right
wrist/thumb still gives me problems from time to time but it’s definitely
something I can live with after the pain I had been feeling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had been told to expect my thick, lush pregnancy hair to
fall out “after giving birth”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I
did not expect was the timeline for this to occur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My hair was awesome during pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Between the hormones and the pre-natal vitamins
I had a great head of hair for the first time in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I waited a few weeks and then a month and
then two months and my hair was not falling out any faster than it had before
so I thought I was good to go and maybe I’d be lucky enough to keep this great
mane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What no one bothered telling me was the hair
loss actually begins more than 3 months post-partum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Say what?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">BG and I actually started losing our hair at the same
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would say she was about 3 ½ to 4
months old when her little baby hairs started shedding like crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also started shedding like crazy at that
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had never seen so much hair fall
out of one person’s head in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was like a horror show, for real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
have a stand up shower so our drain is on the bigger side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I clogged it, night after night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My hair was EVERYWHERE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would empty my brush before blow drying/brushing
my hair and then have to do it again when I was finished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was stunned and also a little afraid that something
was really wrong with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I visited my
due date buddies on a message board and I was not alone, thank goodness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This hair loss thing was scary but
normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just kept getting worse,
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I came back to work I started
to actually “do” my hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My bangs were
getting thinner and thinner and I hardly had any to style.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sides of my hair would fall in my face
and I couldn’t understand why so I looked really closely at myself in the
mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was horrified at what I
saw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a receding hairline that rivaled
any man’s and almost all of my bangs had fallen out and started to regrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the strangest looking thing I had ever
seen in the mirror.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The good news is that the hair was starting to grow
back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The bad news was that the new hair
was really dark (seemed darker than my natural color) so it clashed really badly
with my highlighted dark blonde hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Since my bangs were almost non-existent it looked like someone had taken
shears to my hair and only left me with about an inch of bangs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was quite a sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went to get highlights and explained my
plight to my stylist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had the same
thing happen to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She did her best to
highlight the little dark bangs so that they didn’t stick out like a sore thumb
under my very thin bangs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I got the
highlights done it wasn’t so bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
happened in October and we had some family pictures taken in November.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love our pictures but I really hate my
hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you pay attention to my hair
you can see that I hardly have any bangs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s strange looking to say the least.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thankfully, I’m getting my hair back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s growing at what seems to be a snail’s
pace but at least it’s finally growing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
it’s falling out at a regular pace, like before the pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it must sound strange to hear me talk
about this but I was not expecting the loss to happen so late after birth and I
definitely was not expecting it to be so fast and furious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s completely normal but no one
told me the timeline so I was taken by surprise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hopefully anyone reading this that hasn’t
been through it can be a little more prepared than I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s only hair but it’s a big part of what people
see when they look at you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to
mention that for a lot of people (me included) post-baby self image can
sometimes leave a lot to be desired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
last thing I needed was to feel self-conscious about another aspect of my
outward appearance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My body is shaped differently now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard that would happen, too, so I expected
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have lost all but about 7 pounds
of my “baby” weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My old clothes do
not fit, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still wearing maternity
pants most of the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With an extra 7
pounds you would think I could squeeze into my old pants but my weight is
distributed differently so that’s not possible for me at this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t like my shape before and I don’t
like it now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to change it and I
will…I’m just having a hard time finding the discipline to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was about 10 pounds heavier than I wanted
to be before getting pregnant so I have a lot to lose before I’m comfortable
with myself again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it takes time
but BG is almost 14 months old (WHAT?!) so I’ve had the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just need to get my butt in gear and
control myself a little more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One thing
that has really changed are my arms and shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I have more weight on me overall so my
arms are bigger but I now have bigger muscles, too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And my shoulders are a little bit wider
because they are stronger, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
comes from carrying around my sweet baby girl and she weighs about 21-22 pounds
right now so she can be quite a work out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But that is another reason my clothes are not fitting like they used
to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m in desperate need for some new
clothes but I’m hoping to drop a few pounds first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m getting sick of the maternity pants so I might need to splurge on a
few things pretty soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think that just about covers my physical recovery from
pregnancy and birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will be tackling
my emotional recovery next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s going
to be hard to revisit my feelings from a year ago but I need to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For myself, mostly, but if I can help anyone
else I really want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m actually glad
I’m going to write about it now instead of when I was going through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of you may have wanted to commit me if I
had written everything out back then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-51291835127761568132014-03-18T15:50:00.000-04:002014-03-18T15:50:27.839-04:00My Physical Recovery - Part 1
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think I must be pretty wimpy and I must also have a low
tolerance for pain and discomfort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Recovering from my c-section was harder than I thought it would be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">While I was in the hospital I was taking a big Motrin every
6 hours and a perc every 4 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
decided to only take one perc because I’m pretty sensitive to medications like
that and did not want to be loopy while trying to care for my new baby.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One of the days (our second full day) in the hospital I had
a nurse that came to see me in the morning and the early afternoon and then no
one showed up until after 7:00 that night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had visitors come and go, food come and go the baby came and went
(more on that later) but no nurse and no pain medications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse that visited me early in the
afternoon told me to make sure I got up and walked around to make sure I healed
properly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She showed me how to clean my
incision and helped me put my binder back on after my shower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I took the baby for a couple of walks and
tried to stay out of bed (something else she told me to do) as much as I
could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then more visitors came and went
and before I knew it, it was just after 7:00, which was shift change time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had been sitting in the nursing chair while we had guests
and when I stood up I almost collapsed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My incision felt like it was on fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was in so much pain I could barely move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ went to find a nurse to bring me
medication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was pissed when I told
him how long it had been since I had seen a nurse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just didn’t think about it…I was busy with
the baby and visitors and walking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
completely over did it and had gone over 7 hours without any pain
medication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holy hell…I could not
believe how much this hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse
that came in asked me why I hadn’t called sooner and I told her that I had
never had to call before…the nurses had just been coming in to give me meds and
check on my temperature and my blood pressure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wasn’t paying attention to how many hours it had been since my last
doses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was hard enough to tell day
from night and keep the baby’s feeding schedule straight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I got my meds and all was well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Needless to say we complained about the nurse
that I had and come to find out she was a substitute from another floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also did not do any more walking, I enjoyed
my hospital bed to the fullest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
was no need to try and rush anything at that point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My wrist was still hurting me and that really sucked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to maneuver the baby, the boppy and
everything else when I could barely move my hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was awful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then my right wrist started hurting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This was all I needed, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ
helped when he could but he didn’t spend much time in the hospital with
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had to work because he had used 2
days needlessly right before she was born for our cancelled induction and then
our health scare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s more on that,
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m trying to keep things organized
in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We went home and I made sure to keep up on my
medications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was nice because we went
home on Saturday afternoon so BJ was able to spend lots of time with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He stayed home Monday and Tuesday, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really missed the hospital bed because putting
my feet up was so easy on my belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Laying on the couch was not nearly as comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was told to avoid steps so I had to have BJ
get a list of items from upstairs for us on a daily basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did go up 3 times before I was released
because I had to shower for crying out loud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I moved slowly but deliberately and still did not understand why I was
hurting so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was pulling and
tugging and it really was uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>BJ suggested I call my OB so I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She asked me to come in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went
in and she looked everything over and said I was healing really nicely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The incision looked great but I was really
sore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body had been through major
surgery and I couldn’t understand why I was hurting so much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My SIL, meaning no harm, told me how she was up and moving
and felt fine after her 3<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">rd</span></sup> c-section so of course I felt very inferior
(do those feelings ever go away?) to her and became very down on myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were times that I would stand up
because I had to go to the bathroom but I didn’t realize how badly I had to go
until I stood up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, the pain that
seared through my incision on those few occasions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
could barely stand upright while walking to the bathroom it hurt so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told myself that I would not wait to pee
any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said, I think I must have a low
tolerance for pain because everyone else told me their stories and I just sunk
deeper and deeper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There came a point where I started to feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess it was about 3 weeks post-partum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was able to move around better and the
stairs didn’t bother me anymore and I was able to lay on my back with my legs
straight without too much pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
wrists were still killing me, though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There were times when I was bathing BG (baby girl) that I just wanted to
cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so afraid I was going to mishandle
her because of the pain and my limitations on movement with my hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thankfully, I never did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It took about 4 months or so until I was able to lay on the
floor on my stomach and prop myself up on my elbows without too much pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried it several times a week before that but
there was so much pulling and strain that I could only last a minute or 2.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m much more mobile now, thank goodness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took a long time to get here but I kept
telling myself that it would get better and I didn’t push it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still feel my incision when I lift something
heavy or walk uphill, it’s crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
never thought that I’d still be feeling things 13 months after the
surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of my coworkers told me
that she still sometimes feels pulling and tugging sensations and it’s been
just over 20 years since her surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yikes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess this is just something
I’m going to have to live with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve been able to start doing Pilates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And by “doing” I mean I did them once last
week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so sore after that I wasn’t able to
tackle it again (I was going to on Friday but<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>left work early and then we had a snow day on Monday and I had a lunch
meeting today…so maybe tomorrow I’ll get back to it).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been almost 2 years since I did a core
work out so I wasn’t surprised at how much my muscles were screaming
afterward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My incision didn’t bother me
so that’s good news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just need to get
back in the gym and work the muscles again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There’s a few more aspects of my physical recovery that I’d
like to share.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mostly to just get it out
of my head but maybe there are women out there that also had a hard time and
can make me feel better about being a “wimp”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-32363523270296198622014-02-21T12:18:00.000-05:002014-02-21T12:18:36.825-05:00Baby Girl's Birthstory - part twoNurse Bernie said that the OR would be cold. She wasn't exagerating. Oh my gosh...the room was freezing...like a walk in freezer. I started shaking from the cold and from my nerves. There were several people wearing scrubs and masks walking around and talking. I looked around the room and saw the table with all the surgical instruments and sort of zoned out. I was doing everything I was told - walk over here, get on the table, pull your gown to the side - none of it seemed real. Several people introduced themselves to me but I couldn't tell them apart with their masks on.<br />
<br />
I was on the table and nurse Bernie wrapped me up in two warm blankets and the anesthesiologist went to work. The pain this man caused me was almost more than I could bear. I was already emotional and just knowing I was about to get stuck in my spine brought me to tears. Nurse Bernie was great. She told me I was doing a great job and to just breath and try to go limp. This was not an easy task because I was shaking uncontrollably. Getting the epidural was horrible. I was supposed to relax while being hunched over and freezing and getting poked with a needle. It hurt so bad. It was like a sting and a burn all rolled into one. He was telling me to communicate but at times it hurt so bad I couldn't even speak. I think I must be a wimp. At one point, I told him it was stinging really bad and he asked me if it was just pressure or pain. My words were caught in my throat and Bernie answered for me...PAIN. And then finally it didn't hurt anymore.<br />
<br />
I laid down on the table and the rest of the machines were hooked up...my pulse ox and my blood pressure cuff. The nurses were doing an instrument count and trying to figure out what music to listen to during the procedure. I was lying there listening to them and would ocassionaly tell them that I was getting more and more numb. One of the ladies started cleaning my stomach with a very scratchy sponge. She was singing Moves Like Jagger while doing so. I will never forget that moment. The curtain went up as more preparations took place. I was still shaking although I wasn't cold anymore. I was begging God to let my little girl be ok. I came to the realization that so much of my fear was the fear of not taking her home with us. We had been through so much to get pregnant and now it was all coming to a head and I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was about to have a real live baby. It still wasn't real to me. I was so afraid she wouldn't cry upon birth or that the suspected problems with her head would prevent her from coming home with us. It was a very scary place to be.<br />
<br />
BJ entered the room and came to sit by me. I was so happy to see him. He sat there like a cat on a hot roof. He was jittery and looking around. The nurse asked me if we had a name and I told her the name. It was amazing to be able to tell it to someone. We had kept it a secret for so long. BJ was so nervous. I have never seen him like that. I was talking way too much and saying things like:<br />
<br />
she's going to be ok, right?<br />
God is going to let her be ok, right?<br />
We are going to be able to take her home, right?<br />
<br />
BJ just kept saying yes and I hope so. He wasn't looking at me...he was looking everywhere else. He was holding my hand and hunching over. I couldn't believe what was about to happen.<br />
<br />
My doctor came in and made some small talk with us and the team and then it was time to get started. At that point, my whole body went still and I felt like I could breathe again. I took a deep breath and in my head I said to myself, "she's going to be fine, this is all going to work out". I don't know what came over me at that moment but I sort of just disconnected from everything and relaxed for about 30 seconds. It was an amazing feeling that I can't even put into words.<br />
<br />
They told me that I would feel pressure and tugging and pulling and then I would feel a very hard push just below my sternum when it was time to get the baby out. They made sure I couldn't feel anything and started going in. They were chatting about someone they all knew and I blocked most of it out. I tried to focus on BJ but he was a wreck. His eyes were filled with tears and he was so far away. I wanted nothing more than to hold him and tell him that all would be ok. I kept saying the same things over and over again because when I'm nervous I make idle chatter and can't seem to shut up. :-) BJ didn't seem to mind, he was in his own world and I don't think he heard anything I was saying anyway.<br />
<br />
My doctor announced that they were about to pull her out and then she said the most magical words I had ever heard up to that moment...."TeeJay, her head looks fine..." I asked her if she was sure and she repeated that yes, her head looks perfectly fine. And then BJ relaxed a bit and I could hear him breathing again. I was so elated that I didn't even care that they were pulling and tugging on me so hard that I thought I was going to be yanked off the table. Apparently, Baby Girl's head was still very far away from the birth canal. And then came the HUGE push they were talking about. It actually took 3 pushes on my stomach to get her out. I thought I was going to hurl.<br />
<br />
And then we listened. We waited for any sign of life. I was whispering to BJ, "do you hear her? was that her? did you hear that? I think that was her" And then she cried. And then I cried. And then BJ cried. I said, "oh my gosh, that's HER! That's our BABY! She's here and she's alive...do you hear her?" It was the sweetest little cry I had ever heard in my life. They were sucking her out and massaging her and she was not liking it one bit. Nurse Bernie had been put on picture duty so she was snapping pictures while we waited. BJ kept trying to sneak a peak but he was too afraid of seeing my surgery to really get up and look at her. Nurse Bernie brought the camera over and showed us a few pictures. I couldn't believe it...there was a LIVE BABY on the table that came out of ME...and she was MINE. I commented on how big she was. I couldn't believe how big she looked. And then they finally brought my bundle over to me. I was able to put one arm up to sort of hold her. My first words were, "oh my gosh, she's so TINY!" The pictures made her look huge but her little face was so tiny and precious...it was amazing to see her. And then I said, "she looks just like the Little Guy", because she did. We took some more pictures and BJ talked to her and then it was time for him to take her away to the nursery. I laid there in awe as they finished me up. The phone rang and it was the nursery telling us how much she weighed and how long she was...6lbs, 15.5oz and 19.5in. If you remember, 2 weeks before that, she was estimated at being over 7 pounds. Those techs can kiss my ass for making me worry and making me think I was going to have a big baby. They obviously do NOT know what they are doing.<br />
<br />
As they were finishing up they gave me a shot of Pitocin to help my uterus go back down and it apparently did not agree with me. I felt sick and faint and started to see spots. I told the anesthesiologist this and he checked my blood pressure. I was crashing. He asked my doctor what was going on and she said that she was just about finished. He gave me something else (I can't remember what) and I immediately felt better. For about 45 seconds I was worried that I would never see my baby girl again. It was a pretty scary minute. Before they wheeled me out of the OR I asked what her apgars were and was told that she scored a 9/9. Way to go, Baby Girl, way to go.<br />
<br />
I have so much to write about and I never wanted to be that woman that stopped writing once the baby came. So, I'm going to come back here and share our story. There is much more to tell and if any of what I have to say can help someone else then it needs to be said. It has not been an easy year but it has been absolutely amazing. I may start a new blog about parenting after IF or I may just stay here since this is my home. I do know that I need to write this stuff out so that I can work it out in my own head and heart. If you are still out there reading, thank you...I miss you.TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-23940806742659737572013-05-21T12:40:00.000-04:002013-05-21T12:40:13.797-04:00Baby Girl's Birth Story - part oneThe cervix ripening gel did not work. My doctor checked me Tuesday (1/29) and I was still long and closed...not one centimeter dilated and baby girl was still floating around way up high. Our induction was scheduled for Wednesday which meant that I was to report to L&D Tuesday night for the Cervidil to get things started. I was bummed but excited at the same time. There was going to be a baby, one way or another, on Wednesday.<br />
<br />
We spent Tuesday evening at home and were visited by my SIL and her 3 kids a little while before we left for the hospital. We had french bread pizzas for dinner and I had baked a chocolate candy crunch pie for dessert. It was SO good. I made a couple of phone calls as the evening dragged. The Little Guy had been adamant that he wanted to be at the hospital when his "only sister was being born" but since births are very unscripted we promised that he'd be there as soon as he could. He was so worried about his little sister and he just wanted her to be ok...just like the rest of us. He was with his mom and had basketball practice that night. I asked her to bring him to the hospital for a quick visit once we were checked in. It was nice of her to do that for us.<br />
<br />
We checked in and I was hooked up to everything. It all felt very surreal, like I was watching someone else go through it. A tech came in to start my IV line in case I needed it later. I could tell by talking to her and looking at her that she didn't know what she was doing. Since my left wrist hurt so bad and I wanted to wear my brace I asked her to stick me in my right arm. She searched for a vein...and searched...and searched. Mind you, since becoming pregnant, finding veins had not been a problem for anyone. She found one and stuck me...and turned the needle and twisted the needle until finally she said she had it. Then she said she blew my vein and pulled the needle out. Lovely. She left the room to get more supplies. When she came back she didn't try to find a vein in my arm or wrist...she went straight for my left hand. If someone is in labor and experiences contractions and needs to push a baby out, why would you hinder her hand that she'll need to either grip a bed or someone else's hand by putting an IV line in it??? She stuck it in and got it right away. When she went to pinch it off and cap it, blood went everywhere! It was all over my hand and my bed. She was something else. She got me cleaned up and changed my sheet and left. Then she was back. She had misplaced her scanner. She came back 2 more times looking for it because she couldn't remember where she had left it. This visit did not get off to a good start.<br />
<br />
The Little Guy and his mother came by around 8:00. They didn't stay long. We chatted and took a couple of pictures to commemorate our last night as a family of 3. We promised he'd know about the birth as soon as we could tell him.<br />
<br />
My doctor came by around 8:30 to administer the gel insert. I wish she would have prepared me for how much it was going to hurt. I've had hands and instruments up my hoo ha but this procedure took the cake. Oh my gosh...it felt like she was inserting a rusty razor blade up there. You would think that they would make those things a little more aerodynamic for the hole in which they are going. OUCH. BJ was watching me writhe in pain and confessed later that it was really hard for him to see that and not tell the doctor to quit hurting his wife. So sweet.<br />
<br />
BJ and I were both exhausted so it was time to settle in for the night, as best we could. There were 3 chairs on the right side of my bed for him to sleep in. He maneuvered the first into a lounging position but was not very comfortable at all. He decided to try the second chair but first he had to figure out how to get the first chair back into a chair. The second chair was better but very noisy to lay on and still pretty uncomfortable. It was on to the third chair...after figuring out how to get the second chair back in place. The third chair was the winner! However, it took up so much room he had to get the other 2 out of the way before he could actually lay down. This chair adventure took about an hour! It was comical to watch it all unfold (great pun).<br />
<br />
My contractions started to get stronger around 12:30. They were coming at about 4 to 10 minutes apart. BJ was trying to sleep and I was trying to breath through the pain and practice for when the real thing started. I had to get up to pee several times and that was very interesting. I had to be very careful not to pull the string and to keep it out of the way while I relieved myself. That was not very easy. My belly was really big and I had a hard time just wiping myself, let alone fishing around for a string to move to the side. But I managed. Getting back in bed was tricky, too. I was so afraid of snagging that damn string.<br />
<br />
The night was full of sleep in about 10 minute intervals. I was afraid to move too much because at times I couldn't hear baby girl on the monitor and I was afraid of the string and I didn't want to wake BJ up because he actually fell asleep. More importantly, the contractions had moved into my back. I knew that pretty much meant she was facing the wrong way and that I'd most likely be in for a very painful labor. The pain was pretty severe at times and I had a hard time breathing through the contractions. I put my own arm behind me and applied pressure to my lower back and that helped a little but was so uncomfortable I wasn't able to maintain that position for very long.<br />
<br />
Finally the morning arrived. My contractions were closer together and still pretty strong. I decided that I wasn't a wimp after looking at the print out and seeing how they spiked all the way to the top of the chart. BJ went to get some coffee and find out when I'd be checked for progress. We were very hopeful and pretty confident that things had progressed nicely and that I'd be starting pitocin very soon. Nurse Bernie (I really liked her) came in and said that she'd be doing the checking very shortly. Yay!! She looked at the print out and was impressed with what she saw so I felt even better. We were going to DO this!<br />
<br />
The moment of truth...she was prepping to pull the insert out and we were making small talk about the baby and then we told her about our fears regarding her head and Bernie said that not too much should be made about those ultra sounds sometimes. The insert coming out was pain free! Then she reached way up in my lady parts and shook her head. BJ and I held our breath. She said there was no progress. She couldn't even get the tip of her pinky in my cervix. My heart sank and the tears came. Again my body had failed me. I couldn't even speak. BJ told Bernie how disappointed I was. Bernie was great, though. She kept everything upbeat and told me on several occasions that c-sections really are the safest way to have babies. It didn't matter at the time. I was crushed. I knew I was headed for major surgery with a long and restricted recovery. I was so excited to meet my little girl but I knew they'd take her from me right after she was born. It meant not holding her as soon as she came out. It meant her going to the nursery without me getting to see them clean her. It meant no skin to skin contact right after birth. It meant only hearing her first cries and not actually seeing her little face. It was probably the biggest disappointment I had felt in a very long time.<br />
<br />
My doctor came by to reassure me that everything would be fine and to let me know that we'd be going in for surgery at 10:45. That meant that in 2 hours I'd be meeting my little girl...my daughter. I was very excited and couldn't wait but at the same time scared shitless. Scared of the surgery and scared for baby girl. I was exhilarated but deflated all at the same time. It felt like everything was happening to someone else and I, again, was watching from the outside.<br />
<br />
I posted on FB and made a couple of calls. BJ called his sister and she said she'd be right up. We made small talk for a few minutes but then things started happening pretty quickly. Nurse Bernie came in and hooked up my drip line (remember the fiasco of getting the line inserted?) and started running down a list of things that were about to happen...IV antibiotics, anesthesiologist visit, compression legs, cap and gown for BJ, etc. BJ's sister arrived and tried to lighten the mood. Yes, I was excited, so very excited, but so very disappointed and full of fear. I had never had surgery before (just my wisdom teeth out and that didn't go smoothly) and she tried to explain it as she has had 3 c-sections. She kept saying that her first was born via c-section and it was a good thing because she had complications that could have cost them both their lives if she had delivered vaginally. Her theory was that this was happening for a reason. And I said, "well, if that's true then something is wrong so that is not very reassuring to hear right now." And again I was in tears. The fear of the unknown (and knowing they would take her from me) was the worst part of all of this. That and the fact that I was still having contractions from the gel.<br />
<br />
Nurse Bernie came back and wondered why my fluids were not dripping properly. You have one guess as to why. The incompetent lady from the night before screwed it up...are you surprised? I wasn't. Nurse Bernie had to re-do her line in my other arm making for a total of 3 lines in about 12 hours. The anesthesiologist came in and we chatted about the usual stuff and I was put in my sexy compression sock things and given a hair cap to wear. In the mean time, BJ was fumbling around trying to get his booties over his boots and cursing himself for not wearing tennis shoes. He was given a bigger pair but they were still not fitting. He was so aggravated that he was stressing me out even more. He hadn't eaten, even though he was told to by the nurses, so that made him more cranky. I told him to eat something, even a candy bar, so that he didn't fall out in the OR because I NEEDED him now more than ever. He obliged. :-) We took a few pictures and by that time it was time to go. I was expecting to be wheeled to the OR in my bed but I was instructed to walk there. Our room was right next to the OR so it only took a few seconds. I kissed BJ good-bye and told him that I loved him and that it was going to be ok...although I wasn't sure of that but I needed to say it. Then I turned my back, grabbed my pole of fluids, closed the back of my gown with my other hand and walked into the room that my daughter would be born in.TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-66133236839336592542013-03-19T12:05:00.000-04:002013-03-19T12:05:01.853-04:00My, How Things Can ChangeI have a lot to say so this will be a bit long. First and foremost, Baby Girl is here and she is amazing (and seemingly fine). I'll get to all of that but I want to catch you all up on the events leading up to her birth. The last you heard from me I was 39 weeks and had made no progress.<br />
<br />
At our scan on 12/31 I noticed that BG's head (the top view) looked a little narrow but no one said anything to me so I didn't think about it again. I went in for my regular weekly appointment and my OB didn't mention any issues. At our second weight scan I again thought her head was a little narrow but the tech didn't say anything and no one came in to tell us of any problems so I didn't even bring it up. These scans were done locally in our county, by the way. My first cervix ripening appointment (that was to happen after my OB appointment) got cancelled because there were actual women in labor that needed the rooms so BJ had taken off work for nothing. That really bummed us out. However, I still had my OB appointment. I told BJ he didn't need to come with me now since we weren't doing the gel. I was so hopeful for some progress at this point. I was just so excited to get labor going and to meet our little girl. My doctor came in and right away I knew something was wrong. She was very business like and started telling me that my baby's head was too small for her body and she noted on the u/s report that her measurements were less than 73% and they should be much higher. She was worried about the baby not being able to start labor because of such a small head...which STILL had not dropped into my pelvis. I was high and closed with no progress in sight. She ordered a NST right away. I asked why no one told us this at our last scan which was 3 weeks prior to this one. She looked back in my file and basically had no answer for me. I was devastated. The name for what they said our baby had was mild dolichocephaly. Basically, it meant that the open portions of her skull had grown shut prematurely. My mind was swirling around and I was all alone. One day before our due date and we find out that something could be very wrong with our child. I couldn't believe this was happening. I had to report to L&D right away for my NST. I called BJ from the hallway and he answered with "do you have good news for me?", hoping that I had dilated. I held back tears and told him that I had bad news for him and quickly tried to explain what I didn't even understand. He said he was coming up to the hospital to be with me. I was glad he was on his way. While I waited to be checked in at L&D I stupidly used my phone to google. There wasn't much time to really look things up but what I found was very disturbing. I was beside myself with fear. I was mad at my body for letting me down again. I had gotten over some of my anger at myself because I had carried to term with no issues or complications and now THIS happened. When BJ came into the room we sat together and I tried to hold off the tears. I apologized to him over and over again. He said I had nothing to be sorry about. I felt differently. I told him that if I had not been hell bent on having a baby that we wouldn't be facing this terrible diagnosis for our child. He would hear none of it. He was great. Baby Girl passed the NST, which I knew she would...she moved all the time. We were sent on our way with another appointment for the gel ripening Monday night and another OB check on Tuesday.<br />
<br />
We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We googled and then got frustrated because we couldn't really find anything that helped us understand what was happening. All of our happiness and joy and wonderful anticipation had now turned into the ultimate stress situation filled with worry and fear. We told very few people what was happening and asked for prayers. We tried to find information on this condition and what the severity of her situation was but there isn't much out there. And what is out there isn't very helpful. Usually preemies and breech babies are afflicted with this condition, she was neither of those things. She'd been head down forever. BJ stayed home with me the next day and we both sat under a dark cloud. We talked about how much we loved this little baby and how we wanted her to come out, not only because we were ready but now we wanted to take care of her and "fix" her if we could. With her being inside there wasn't much we could do. The web suggested skull surgery to give the head a more round shape and the thought of that terrified us. Poor BJ learned of the Little Guy's heart problem 2 days after his birth and then had to schedule open heart surgery when he was only 6 weeks old. It seemed so unfair that now we were having another child with a health crises. All we wanted was to hold and love our baby girl. We felt so helpless.<br />
<br />
On Friday, I decided to be a bit more proactive. I contacted the ped office that we intended to take baby girl to and set up a meet and greet. I picked up her u/s pictures and report and headed to the meeting. I looked over the report and was even more disturbed. Of all the measurements they took, only her femur measured on target. Her head measured almost 4 weeks behind and her abdomen was measuring 2+ weeks behind. They had her weighing 7 pounds and 8 ounces and said that her weight was only the 36th percentile and that she did not show <em>appropriate</em> growth from the last scan. How could this be? I was so angry that no one told us any of this before. I would have been able to get an appointment with the MFM that did our 12 and 20 week scans. I trusted them much more than I trusted these local yahoos. It was too late for that. I met with her pediatrician that afternoon and brought the report and the u/s pictures with me. He seemed stumped by the diagnosis and didn't really have any insight for me. Basically he told me to just wait and see. What? I knew more about it than he did from my online research. He said he didn't see anything to really worry about (he didn't look at the pictures as he said he didn't know how to read them...hmmm) but that he'd also not had anyone come to him about this before. Ok, I was basically on my own again. There really was nothing to do but sit and wait and try to get her to come out.<br />
<br />
It was a very long weekend indeed. I was so uncomfortable and couldn't sleep and now most of my waking thoughts were about my little girl and how this would affect her. I was due to see my OB again Monday afternoon if I didn't go into labor over the weekend.<br />
<br />
I'm going to stop for now. I only get a few minutes of time here and there and this post has taken me weeks to write. Plus, I now have 2 bum wrists instead of just one. Not sure what the deal is but I'm in constant pain and typing really makes it worse. I will tell her birth story in my next post. Like I said, she seems to be fine so there's no need to worry right now. I will try to get another post up soon. We just bought her a swing and that will hopefully help me to have 2 free hands for at least a little while during the day.<br />
<br />
Thank you all for checking in with me and I'm very sorry for the delay in getting something up. I'm also going through what I'm sure is mild PPD which I will write about later, too. I have so much to say but not many free minutes. I'm reading and following along with all of you and cheering for you and celebrating with you...I'm just quiet and busy. Love to you all!TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-4368128324320299352013-01-17T09:15:00.000-05:002013-01-17T09:15:20.346-05:0039 Weeks!Again, I need to apologize for being so absent. I feel a little overwhelmed with all I want to write and I think that has kept me away. Not really a good excuse, but that's what I'm going with. Thank you to those that have prodded me with e-mails...it's nice to know that you are still out there and still interested in reading my updates. There's so much going on but for now I will just write a pregnancy update and then see where that takes me. Here's where we stand:<br />
<br />
As of my 38 week appointment there had been no progress. I had been having some braxton hicks contractions on and off and some extra pressure in my abdomen. I was hopeful for at least a cm or 2. No such luck. Plus, at my 37 week appointment I was measuring 36 weeks, no big deal...then at my 38 week appointment I had jumped up to 39 weeks! No wonder I was feeling more pressure. Baby Girl had gone through quite a growth spurt. I told my doctor that I could not physically do my commute anymore. I told her that I commute to DC (almost 2 hours each way) and that the bus was killing me. She wrote me a note to get me out of work and I was so relieved. She told me to walk, walk, walk and walk some more to get things going. So of course the weather turns cold and rainy as soon as I'm home to take those walks. Figures. I walk around the house and I rock on my big exercise ball that I got for Christmas (which I need to write about, too) and I try to stay mobile and busy. I have started feeling stronger contractions. I knew these were different because they started in my lower abdomen like menstrual cramps and then my belly would get hard. One morning I almost started timing them because they were coming fast and furious. Then they stopped. I figured it was the start of something good and that at the next appointment things would be moving along. Not so much. I hadn't seen any signs of a mucous plug and the contractions were few and far between. I'm big, uncomfortable and having arguments with myself. Things like:<br />
<br />
me - I just want to go into labor and have this baby and meet her and love her<br />
me2 - don't wish your pregnancy away...it's the only one you are every going to get to experience<br />
me - you are right, but I can't sleep and I ache and I'm <em>ready </em>for her to be here<br />
me2 - yes, but once she's here, you won't feel her moving around in your belly anymore...and you'll be even more tired<br />
me - you're right again...I love having her with me all the time and feeling her move and rubbing my belly.<br />
<br />
It's a hard problem to have, right? I must sound so shallow. But really, I am not wishing the pregnancy away, I just want to feel better. I've had it really easy but these last few weeks have been pretty hard on me. I wasn't expecting to be so uncomfortable. I do not look forward to getting into bed at night. Yes, I look forward to sleeping but my bed is my enemy right now. I have pillows everywhere and can't really find a comfortable way to sleep. Cry me a river. Can I just tell you how cool it is to "complain" about the last weeks of pregnancy? Especially since I have no real complaints other than mobility and sleep.<br />
<br />
Backing up a little, we were sent for a sonogram on 12/31 to check Baby Girl's weight. I didn't expect to see her again until I saw her in person so I was really excited. BJ came with me and we were just amazed at how big she has gotten since our 20 week scan. She looks like the Little Guy to me but BJ said he doesn't see it. She has hair and chubby little cheeks and weighed in around 5lbs, 13oz. We got a few good pictures of her and it's unbelievable how seeing those pictures made it even more real for me. I have the huge belly, she moves all the time and our house is ready to bring a baby home any day now but I still have trouble believing that we are having a BABY. I know it must sound crazy at this point but it's true. Seeing her on that screen really brought it into perspective...there's a human baby, our baby, that will be joining us on the outside very soon. It blows my mind that we are here. Anyway...<br />
<br />
I was really hoping for a little progress yesterday at my 39 week appointment but that was not to be. My cervix is holding onto this baby like fort knox. BJ said I shouldn't be surprised because I couldn't get pregnant on my own why would I think my body would cooperate come delivery time? He's right and I told him that I was thinking the same thing. My body didn't get this way on its own and it appears that it doesn't know how to let go of the pregnancy, either. I keep telling myself that first babies are often late and many need help coming out. I wasn't surprised that nothing was happening but I was a little disappointed.<br />
<br />
My doctor wants another weight scan (yay!) on Tuesday and then to come see her Wednesday morning at 11:30. If nothing is happening then I'm off to labor and delivery for some good old cervix ripening gel. They will monitor me for 2 hours and if things start happening then we stay and have a baby. If things don't happen after 2 hours then we go home and proceed with an induction the following week...I've already been placed on the waiting list. Things felt extremely real after my appointment yesterday. I'm now anxious and nervous and excited all at once. I'm scared of labor, I'm scared of a c-section and I'm still scared that something could go really wrong. It's a lot of emotions to experience at once. Our due date is Thursday so the thought of having her the day before or exactly on that date is pretty awesome. In the mean time I'm going to continue to walk around the house (because we are having lousy weather) and rocking on my exercise ball in the hopes that we won't need any intervention (yeah, right).<br />
<br />
Oh, and we have a name but are not revealing it until she's born. I learned early on that people are not afraid to express opinions when you throw out some names that you are considering. And on the flip side, they get a bit offended if you don't love and pick the names they are giving you. So we decided that once we picked a name it would be a secret. It was the simplest solution to an issue that was becoming a stressful topic with people around us. I bought wooden letters yesterday that we will be hanging on the wall in her room.<br />
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That's about all for now, I guess. My wrist is tired of typing and I need to get up and get moving. I will try to write more about the other things running around in my head very soon because once she's here I have a feeling I'll be even worse with blogging...as if that is possible. Thanks for sticking around and checking on me. It really is nice to have all of you out there rooting for us and caring.TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-21875882165245964032012-12-11T13:13:00.000-05:002012-12-11T13:13:34.297-05:0033 Weeks, 5 Days and Other Things
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m sorry that I’m not
writing more regularly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got out of the
habit during our busy time at work and now I have a horrible case of tendonitis
in my left wrist that causes me all sorts of problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m wearing a very sexy brace on my left hand
this day and let me tell you, it’s as much of a conversation starter as my big
belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had tendonitis many years ago
in my right wrist and this case is no different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took many months to heal and that was with
a cast and 2 cortisone shots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctor
threatened me with surgery so I never went back to him because I was a chicken
and it ended up healing over time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
case has gotten progressively worse which is not boding well for being able to
take care of a baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw and
orthopedic doctor that told me cortisone was ok while pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to check with my OB tomorrow to see
what she says.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I get the green light
then I will go back and get the shot and hopefully it will help things
along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have only done a little
research on it and have not found anything satisfying yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have any of you gotten a cortisone shot while
pregnant?<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everything else is going
fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My weight is up 25 pounds, my
blood pressure and my urine are all good. At least they were 2 weeks ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll find out more at my appointment
tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my thyroid checked again
and it was fine so there is no adjustment in meds right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I go back in 3 weeks to do another
check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My sleep is pretty much like it
has been for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wake once to pee
and sometimes fall right back to sleep and other times I lie awake for over an
hour trying to get comfortable and get my brain to shut up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I wake a second time to pee there is no going
back to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to cut off my water
drinking at 9:30 so that I have 2 more bathroom trips before bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This seems to work out ok most of the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I’m eating less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m hungry more often but can only eat small
amounts due to feeling full.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read that
this could be the case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still love
cold stuff…we actually had cereal for dinner last night!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love ice cold water and cereal and the occasional
frozen yogurt or soft serve ice cream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yummy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My vision is
changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read that in the book, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems like as soon as I read something I experience
it or I experience it and then read about it the next time I open the book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess you could say this pregnancy is
pretty textbook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is boring, but
good?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get heartburn at night and I
also try to get leg cramps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been
eating Tums before bed and doing some calf stretches to help with the
cramps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both seem to do the trick to
alleviate these symptoms.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m so in love with this
little girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all are, really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Little Guy is reaching out and touching
my belly more and more and watching her move and trying to feel her move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ said he’s ready for those arms and elbows
I’m feeling to be on the outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
knows it’s best for her to bake longer but he’s just so ready to hold her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has started to wedge her little feet (I’m
guessing) up under my sternum which is not comfortable but it makes me
smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She also “bites” me over where I
think my left ovary is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ laughs when I
say that she’s biting me but that is exactly what it feels like from the
inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s so very painful that I
double over sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure what
she’s doing but it really hurts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
fun to watch her move around and twist her body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes we will spend a good 10 minutes
just watching my stomach and rubbing her to get her to move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ talks to her every night and he won’t go
to sleep until she kicks him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
adorable.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We have our birthing class on
Saturday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s 9 to 5 so it’s a long
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ is not looking forward to it but
I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sort of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m nervous about it…labor, that is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll write more about it soon but I’m scared
of a few things and taking this class will probably bring out all of those
fears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seemed like that day would
never get here and now it’s THIS weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yikes!<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have a shower at work
tomorrow and I had one at home (well, my friend’s house) the weekend before
Thanksgiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to write about both
experiences and I will do that after the one tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s so surreal to me that these “baby
parties” are being thrown for ME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
never thought I’d be the guest of honor at a baby shower and now I’m getting
ready to attend my 2<sup>nd</sup> one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And because I can’t write a
post without telling you of my new worries…I just read a couple of days ago
about counting kicks and how to do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Well, I don’t have to do that because baby girl is very active.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sometimes wonder if she ever sleeps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She does have calmer days here and there but
for the most part I feel her very regularly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The book went on to say that if I feel “jerky” movements that I should
let my doctor know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmmm…well, since I
read that I’ve been worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There have
been a few times when it has felt like she is riding a bull in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This type of movement has only lasted a few
seconds at a time and then she moves around normally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I haven’t googled it AT ALL because I’m
trying not to be worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, it’s
ok if she moves a little ruggedly, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will mention it at my appointment tomorrow but is it something I should
really be worried about?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have lots more to say but
my wrist is hurting and I need to get some actual work done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are things that I still want to write
about (making a list will help me remember because pregnancy brain is REAL):<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thoughts on having a girl<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My showers<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Labor/Delivery<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Breastfeeding<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A letter to my daughter<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I will try to get to all of
those before I actually give birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>:-)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OH…and I almost forgot…please head over to <a href="http://searchingforthemissingpiece.blogspot.com/">Patience’s</a>
blog to help her with her adoption funds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She has been on such a long and heartbreaking road and now they are
finally matched!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She could use all the
help she can get!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-64906016903683525302012-11-15T13:06:00.000-05:002012-11-15T13:06:07.383-05:0030 Week Update
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wow!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t believe that I am 30 weeks
pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m in the third trimester and
things have just flown by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll start by
giving a quick pregnancy update and then I have some other things I want to get
in to.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve had 2 OB appointments
since I was told that I was measuring almost 2 weeks behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will be happy to know that at the first appointment
since that visit baby girl (and my uterus) went through a growth spurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At that appointment (and my appointment this
week) I was measuring exactly where I should be!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yay!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
will say that I was getting a little worried because not only was I measuring
small but people kept telling me how little my belly was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually still have people surprised at how
far along I am when I tell them but I’ve also had people comment on how much my
belly has grown and how big it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I’m
not worried anymore because I know everything is fine and I’ll just take the “small”
comments as compliments.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ve gained 20 pounds so
far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yikes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a lot on my small frame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m wide and didn’t think I could get any
wider but low and behold it has happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My hips, feet and back feel every single pound, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I passed my 1 hour glucose test and my blood
pressure is good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything is going
along very smoothly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope it keeps
going that way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am now on an every 2 week
appointment schedule until I hit 36 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I talked a little to my OB about what will happen if I go into labor
early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said that if it’s before 36
weeks and they can’t stop contractions I will be transferred to a more capable
hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s after 36 weeks I will just
deliver at our hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still need to
talk to her about when and if she’ll pull me out of work early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m starting to have some anxiety about birth
and labor and where I’ll be when it all starts and the thought of being 40
miles (usually about an hour travel time) from my hospital is not helping to
calm my nerves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s bad enough that if
labor starts (or my water breaks) during the day BJ will be out on the road
somewhere and I’ll be worried about him driving like a bat out of hell to get
to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The less I have to worry about
the better off I’ll be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to mention
the better off baby girl will be if I’m not stressing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now for the not so fun
stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
done a pretty good job of keeping my fears at bay but at times there is no
holding back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re so close to having
this baby girl in our arms and I can’t help but sometimes fear the worst.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pretty much stay away from message boards
because every once in a while a post will pop up about a late term loss or a
stillbirth and I just can’t go there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can’t understand why those things happen and then of course I fear for myself
and my baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find it so hard to believe
that I’m pregnant after all these years that I fear something horrible is going
to happen to end it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I wake up in
the middle of the night to pee she often kicks me and squirms when I get back
in bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smile to myself and am
relieved that she’s still there and alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the same story when I wake up in the morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to feel her move to know that it’s
real and that there is a live baby in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I know that just because she’s moving and growing now that things
could still go very wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m trying to
not think about it and I’m trying to just focus on all the good things…there
are so many good things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, the
fear is still there and it comes in big, engulfing waves sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I talk to her all the time and tell her
things like how she doesn’t need to come early and no matter how uncomfortable
I might be and how much moaning I may do when I can’t get comfortable at night that
I am so happy that she’s in there and doing well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tell her how much her daddy loves her and
how he can’t wait to hold her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although,
he does a pretty good job of telling her those things, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s so cute…he gently lays his head on my
belly (not all of his weight) and he talks to her and asks her to kick him and
tells her that he loves her and can’t wait to see her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart melts on a nightly basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before I get out of bed in the morning, when
I get home from work and when I lay down in bed at night he always reaches out
and rubs my belly and gives it a tiny squeeze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These moments are cherished but also bring on fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if something happens to this precious
little girl that we both love so much?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How would we survive?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know we
would but what kind of people would a loss like that morph us into?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shudder at the thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is why I try not to think about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a nursery that is 95% complete with
clothes hanging in the closet and a dresser with 2 full drawers full of more
clothes and a crib that is begging for a baby to be placed in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I’m in there and I’m looking at her
clothes I get very happy and anxious and sometimes scared out of my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a rough road to get to this point and I
guess I just can’t let go of all the years of heartache and
disappointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t just get
pregnant naturally or by surprise…I fought for years and kept hope alive even
when I, myself, thought I had let it die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had to turn to one of the most controversial methods of conception out
there in order to get pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now
here we are, 10 weeks from our due date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s so surreal that we have come this far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have no reason to believe anything bad will
happen…except that I know that bad can happen and I’ve been on the receiving end
of some bad shit in my life…I want this to be the exception…I want to bring a
living, healthy baby girl into this world and hold her and kiss her and smell
her and cherish her for the rest of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think that is what any mother wants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I hope and pray every day that God lets that happen for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This little girl is the light of our lives
and she hasn’t even been born yet…and yet I can’t imagine my life without her
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate that I feel sad sometimes
and that I worry and that I’m scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t want to feel those things at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I want to keep all the happy and hopeful feelings in the forefront and
just concentrate on all the excitement surrounding the pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said, for the most part I am doing that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love being pregnant and I love feeling her
move and wiggle and kick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have my
complaints, don’t get me wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All in
all the good far outweighs anything I could complain about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll save my woes of pregnancy for another
day (not that I have many).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I gather
from other Infertile Pregnant Blogs is that I think my fears are pretty normal…at
least I hope they are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s not like
I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m enjoying every bit of being pregnant and prepping for baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love rubbing my stomach when no one’s looking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m so vain that I can’t stop staring at
myself in the mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love that people
are finally noticing that yes, I’m pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s been such a great experience and I’m going to miss it once I give
birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just hope that we get our happy
story and that she arrives safe and sound and ready to be smothered with love.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-55164084987949381982012-11-07T13:01:00.001-05:002012-11-07T13:01:57.957-05:00This and That
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I know, you deserve a much
better post/update than this and now that the election is over I might actually
have time to sit down and write something worth reading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For now, I want to touch on a few things
non-pregnancy related that I have neglected to write about over the last few
months.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Little Guy’s mother has a
new boyfriend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew something was up
when she asked to switch a day with us (a Thursday when it was our weekend to
have him) and then didn’t call him all weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is very unlike her…so I had a feeling something was going on but I
didn’t say anything to anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ got a
text from her about 2 weeks later that she was seeing someone and that a
meeting between the LG and him would not happen for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, it only took about another week or so
before she introduced them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The LG seems
to like him and they do fun things like camping, amusement parks and stuff like
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only problem is that she likes
to hang out at his place a lot, even when she has the LG with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t blame her as he has his own house and
she lives in her dad’s basement (which is very tiny) so who wouldn’t want to
hang out somewhere else?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, the LG
doesn’t really have anything to do while they are there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, many of his weekends are pretty
boring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not to mention, the boyfriend
lives in another county which is about a 30 to 35 minute drive away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone seems happy so it’s good for now.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The LG started middle school
this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wow, I remember when he
started Kindergarten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s growing up so
fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are having a hard time
adjusting to say the least.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is in
honors classes so he’s at a faster pace and higher level this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His math is kicking my butt…not to mention
HIS butt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get home, help finish making
dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner and then sit down to go over his
homework.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I easily spend another 45
minutes to an hour helping him with his math.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I haven’t seen this math since I was in school and that was a LONG time
ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t take good notes and can’t
remember what his teacher instructs him to do so I’m left surfing the internet
or trying to figure out how to use his text book to help finish his
worksheets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a nightmare.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then comes his lack of memory for turning
in this homework that we spend so much time on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He forgets everything…and I’m not kidding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He totally played me the other week because I
told him that if he did not turn in one more assignment (especially after we
spent so much time on it) he would be grounded for 3 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can look online at his grades and his work
was missing so I told him that was it, he was grounded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He promised me he turned it in and that he
looked everywhere for it and that the teacher must have lost it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He cried and cried and didn’t understand why
I didn’t believe him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like an ass
because I really wanted to believe him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I let him off the hook.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked
in one of his other folders several days later and wouldn’t you know that I
found the missing homework?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ugh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him that no matter how many tears he
cried I would not believe him if another assignment came up missing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So he was grounded for a full weekend day…no
electronics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was so bored, poor
thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Needless to say, things aren’t going
great with middle school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m hoping
that he will adjust to the added responsibility a little better as time goes
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once Baby Girl gets here our lives
will be that much more chaotic.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We weathered the hurricane just
fine. We were so prepared to lose power…we had coolers, extra ice, a generator,
propane for our grill, batteries for our flashlights, food that was
power-failure appropriate, water in our bathtub…everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course we only lost power for 2 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve never been so prepared for a storm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I almost wished that we had lost power for a
few hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have lost power and not been prepared and
it sucked, big time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel so badly for
the NJ/NY areas that were hit so hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s unbelievable what a storm like that can do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t imagine losing everything like
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes me cherish the fact that
we came through unscathed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We took a mini-vacation to an
indoor waterpark last month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was fun
to get away but of course I did not ride any of the rides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stuck my feet in the hot tub for a few
minutes while BJ was enjoying the bubbles but I got hot pretty quickly so I
just sat there and kept him company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
LG rode all sorts of waterslides and we all swam in the big pool together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I indulged in a pre-natal massage and it was
heavenly. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ scoffed at the price (I
even had a coupon!) but I told him that since I could not ride the rides that
the massage was MY vacation and I didn’t care how much it cost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was only my 2<sup>nd</sup> professional massage
and I so wish I could get one once a week…it was blissful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ate some good food and played games at the
arcade and just had a nice time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
couldn’t go on a real vacation this summer because I couldn’t tolerate the heat
so this was the next best thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve also
been saving my leave to carryover to next year and combine with my maternity
leave so getting away felt really good since I feel like we have been trapped
in our county since January.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were
so many babies and pregnant ladies there it was unreal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so happy to be one of them for once,
let me tell you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even BJ commented to me
that I didn’t have to look at them with daggers anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I did wonder if anyone was looking at me with daggers.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh yeah…another quick
story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On Open House night at school we
were in the LG’s reading class and the teacher pointed out that she had the
kids write the obligatory “what I did over the Summer” essay and she posted them
in the back of the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While she was
talking (and I should have been listening) I was searching for the LG’s
essay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finally found it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read it and I beamed with pride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only 2 things he wrote about were places
that I took him – the waterpark for his b-day in June and bowling with a
friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How cool is that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His mom took him to the beach once but he
didn’t mention that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t take him
nearly as much as she used to…due to the new boyfriend, and I guess he took
notice of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I showed the essay to BJ
and told him how cool it was that the LG wrote about the things we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since we didn’t take a real vacation he didn’t
have much to pick from but writing about our time instead of the beach trip
meant a lot to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love that kid…bad
memory and all.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I will do a better update
later and I have some posts brewing that I need to get on paper so be prepared
for a flurry of action around here over the next week or so…there’s lots to
share.</span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-6790463454633241752012-10-03T11:01:00.000-04:002012-10-03T11:01:10.024-04:00First (and hopefully last until January) Visit to Labor and Delivery
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Baby’s fine and I’m fine but
I had a scary couple of hours last Friday night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before I get to that I want to thank you all
for your advice and for putting <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my fears
about measuring behind to rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always
tell people to not worry until they have something to worry about and I need to
follow my own advice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not going to
fret (too much) about it until my next appointment where hopefully things will
have evened out some.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And thanks for the
advice on the bottles and other items.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s still so strange to be discussing these things with all of
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m very grateful that I’m at
this point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put some bottles and a
pump on my registry and we’ll see how it goes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If baby girl doesn’t like them then we’ll try another brand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought it would be wise to start with just
the essentials…a few small and a few larger bottles just to see how it goes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">On to Friday night:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Actually, it started
Thursday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ, the Little Guy and I went
to an outdoor event Thursday night that involved a lot of walking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was very leisurely walking for the most
part but there were a couple of times that we walked pretty fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started getting some cramps so I slowed
down and then we took a break and sat for about 30 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All in all I had been on my feet for over 3
hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cramps I experienced were
quite different from my usual RLP (round ligament pain) that I’ve been having
the entire pregnancy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were sharp
and really low (like down by my pubic bone) and they extended into my lady
parts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They went away and I didn’t give
them much more thought as I just chalked it up to overdoing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friday at work I started to get them
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pains were really sharp, like
stop me in my tracks sharp, and they continued to extend to my nether
regions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was sitting for about 3 hours
working on a project so I know it wasn’t happening because I was walking too
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But again, they came and went with
no real pattern.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I had them on the
bus on the way home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I had them at
dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I had them while relaxing
on the couch after dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ was a
little worried and thought maybe I should call the answering service.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I debated on that because as always, I don’t want
to be the crazy infertile pregnant lady that has to go to the doctor for every
little pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then I started
wondering if the cramps were caused by my cervix dilating and then real worry
started to set in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called the
answering service and the on call doctor (not mine) called me back almost
immediately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I described the pain and
was asked a bunch of questions about my activity, if I was coughing, if the
pains were at regular intervals etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After talking with him he thought it would be best to go to L&D and
just make sure things were fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To say
that I had an out of body experience at that moment is an understatement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told BJ that he didn’t have to come (it was
10:00pm, after all) but of course he insisted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was foolish to even suggest I go alone but like I said, I was not
thinking clearly and was feeling like it was a bad dream at this point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the thoughts that were in my head were
all bad and on the short drive to the hospital I felt like I was floating along
completely out of control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just wanted
her to be ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept apologizing to BJ
about his truck getting dirty (it was raining and he had just washed it) and
just staring out the window not sure what to do with myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He dropped me off at the
entrance to the ER because that is the first step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was worried that we’d be there all night
because the ER for our hospital is always crowded and always very slow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After checking in at the front desk (and trying to explain to the lady
that we did IVF and that I had no idea when my LMP was but that we had
retrieval on 5/3 and my due date is 1/24 and I’m 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant…she
still did the math wrong and messed up the LMP date) we were sent straight to
L&D.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were a bit lost but found
our way and were buzzed in and I handed my papers over and was shown straight
into a birthing room and given a warm gown to put on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I changed and explained to the nurse what was
happening and why I was worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was
so nice and understanding and put us right at ease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to give a urine and blood sample and
was hooked up to the fetal monitor and the contraction monitor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Baby girl’s heart rate worried me because it
started out in the 130’s and then went up to her usual 140’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurse looked at the print out and said
that it was perfectly normal for that to happen and that by judging from the
heart rate and her movements (which were constant) that I was carrying a beautiful
baby and that baby girl is very happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
warmed my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the pain again
and made note of the time so that I could tell the nurse upon her return.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I had to pee again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ got up and went searching to find someone
to make sure it was ok that I unhooked everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was standing by the baby warmer and picked
up the little hat and showed it to me. He was smitten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked if that is where they put the baby
after I have it and I told him yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
said that you just stay in the same room to deliver and then the baby gets
checked out over there in the warmer and then we pretty much stay in that
room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was confused by that because he
has never experience that before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Little
Guy was a scheduled C-section so he had no idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He thought it was pretty cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fetal monitor picked up everything baby
girl was doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had a good time listening
to her move and then BJ could hear her big kicks, of which there were
many.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At one point the nurse saw my
belly jump when she kicked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Listening to
her and feeling her move around was definitely comforting to us.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Anyway, when the nurse
returned she checked the print out and at the time I had the pain I did not
have a contraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yay!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then my blood and urine came back all
normal (they never did check my cervix) and I was free to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were in and out in just over an hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt so relieved that we went and that we
had a good experience and that everything appears to be fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told the nurse that I didn’t want to see
her again until January and she said the same thing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It was very scary but it
turned out well and that is what I’m going to focus on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a good experience with the staff and
was comfortable and was not made to feel like I was overreacting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What could have been a very bad night ended
on the great high of knowing that as of right now, our baby girl is doing just
fine and everything is as it should be.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-86332015743384550872012-09-26T16:07:00.000-04:002012-09-26T16:07:42.313-04:00Nesting, Registering, Melting, Worrying
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Instead of a bullet point
post, I’m going to do 4 mini-posts in one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know you are excited!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Nesting<o:p></o:p></strong></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The nesting has begun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We cleaned out the “scrapping” room to make
way for the baby furniture we bought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
still have to clear out half of the closet but we are well on our way to having
a real nursery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We even installed some
shelves in the closet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lady at work
that had her baby girl 7 weeks early gave me a box full of clothes that her
little one has outgrown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t believe
that I have baby clothes in my house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
brought the crib and dresser home and set them up in her room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I fought tears a couple of times because I was
just so overcome with joy and love and disbelief that this is happening for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ didn’t see the tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went down to the neighbor’s house for a
little while and I took that time to hang out in baby girl’s room and have a
talk with her and God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course the
flood gates opened up at that point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
had put her bedding in her crib to get an idea of if we liked it (we love it)
and to see what color(s) we want to pull from the bedding in order to
paint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept looking at the empty crib
in awe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s finally going to be a
baby in our house (hopefully) and it’s so emotionally overwhelming that
sometimes I just cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pulled myself
together and by the time BJ got home I was fresh faced again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t like it when I get over emotional
like that so I try to keep it all to myself until I’m alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes him uncomfortable and he knows there’s
nothing he can do to prevent the tears so I try to protect him from feeling
like he can’t protect me…confusing, yes, but it works.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We also started clearing out the
basement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have a huge load of stuff
to take to the thrift store this weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Once we do that he will have room to work down there whenever he feels
like working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be nice to get
started on the basement finally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
really need my scrapping space back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>:-)<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Registering<o:p></o:p></strong></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We started a baby registry
when we picked up the crib and dresser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We picked out the bigger ticket items that we’d both need to agree on
and then added some smaller things here and there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was so fun to watch BJ with the scanner…he
walked passed a teddy bear and scanned it and looked at me with a sly smile on
his face and said, “she needs a big bear”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are some things that I still need to research to make sure we didn’t
pick something that got bad reviews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are many, many small things that still need to be added.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ said that he was fine with whatever I
picked as far as bottles and breast pump and stuff like that go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t blame him for opting out of another
big visit to the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s so
overwhelming to have to choose what we want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So here’s my question…I plan on nursing but know that I still need
bottles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of bottles did you
moms out there love or hate?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to
make sure that baby girl isn’t getting too much air and that she’s getting a
bottle that is as close to the breast as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, are there things that you really couldn’t
live without in the first several months?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What did you get that you had no use for?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any help would be greatly appreciated.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Melting<o:p></o:p></strong></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So you all heard about BJ feeling
baby girl for the first time and now you get to hear about the Little Guy’s
first experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ordered pizza from
Dom.ino’s on Sunday because we were so worn out from working in the basement we
didn’t feel like cooking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, I had
2 and half slices of pizza and the boys had pizza and wings and then we all
crashed on the couch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The LG always sits
between us while we watch TV.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Baby girl
started kicking and wiggling away in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought I’d take a chance and told the LG to give me his hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lifted my shirt and gently placed his hand
on my stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him to be very
still and concentrate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure enough she
kicked!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked him if he felt it and he
said he did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AWESOME!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then she did it again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then BJ wanted a turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His hand is so much bigger and he knows what
he’s expecting and he could feel her rolling around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the LG wanted to try again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He felt a very small kick and then couldn’t
feel any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was moving around a
lot so she either liked the pizza or didn’t like the pizza.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the LG said to me, “it seems like she’s
never going to get here.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Awwwww…so
sweet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I assured him that she will be
here before he knows it.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Worrying<o:p></o:p></strong></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had my regular OB check up
yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now is the time she’ll start
measuring me from the outside and I was very excited about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She showed me where my uterus was and how to
feel<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>for it myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that was very cool since I had been
unable to detect it up until that point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Baby girl’s heart beat was between 147 and 152 bpm, which was perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she measured me, however, I’m only
measuring 21cm, which is basically 21 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was 22 week and 5 days yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She said that at this stage it’s nothing to worry about as long as I’m
within 2 week either way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I scheduled my
glucose test, my flu shot and my pertussis shot and was out the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the worry set in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did a little googling and decided that I
wasn’t going to stress about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But of
course that is easier said than done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
had our anatomy scan less than 3 weeks ago and she measured exactly with her
due date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How is it possible that now I’m
almost a full 2 weeks behind?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I
started to worry about the amniotic fluid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know baby girl is fine, I feel her kicking and dancing and
cartwheeling in there all the time…but what about the uterus?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it too small for her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will I go into pre-term labor and lose
her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my gosh I’m tearing up just
thinking about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the cashier in
our cafeteria was amazed at how small I am for 5 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I almost started crying right there as she
was giving me my change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ has been
trying to reassure me that everything is fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He even looked up pictures of 5 month pregnant women on his phone while
at work to see how I compare with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He told me we have nothing to worry about right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ll see what happens at the next appointment
before we start to worry about anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yeah, easy for him to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I
will just have to pull out my mantra of “baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine”
to get me through the next 4 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I’m
typing my baby girl is doing flips and spins to let me know she’s ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not her I’m worried about right
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the uterus in which she calls
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone else have this experience
that can set my mind at ease, at least a little?<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-77894560753375381692012-09-14T15:40:00.002-04:002012-09-14T15:40:45.309-04:00Sweet, Sweet Moment
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">BJ has been trying to feel
baby girl kicking for over 2 weeks now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had my laptop on my lap the other day and she kicked really hard and I
jumped up and moved over to his side of the couch and grabbed his hand to put
it on my belly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well of course I freaked
him out because he didn’t know what was happening until it was too late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wouldn’t you know she didn’t kick that hard again?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ said I scared her when I jumped up, which
I probably did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There have been quite a
few times that she’s kicked but he just can’t feel it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has pretty tough hands and I think that
has been part of the issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He barely
feels it when the cat bites him while a bite that hard would almost draw blood
from my hands.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last night we were on the
couch and I told him to come over to my side because she was kicking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He laid his hand across my belly and we
waited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him to put some pressure
with his fingertips because it’s easier to feel when you are also pushing from
the outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She kicked and I said, “Did
you feel that??” He said, “I felt something!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And he looked at me and his eyes were all aglow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then she kicked again and he felt it
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were both laughing at this
point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She seemed to settle down after
that so the show was over unfortunately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then he leaned over and kissed my belly and said “that’s a good girl,
kicking so daddy can feel you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart
melted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so happy he was finally
able to feel her move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that as
she grows it will get easier and easier (heck, we’ll SEE my belly move
eventually) but it was so nice for him to get to feel these early kicks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should also mention that his tone of voice
when talking to baby girl was the same tone he uses when he talks to our
cats…so cute to hear him use that affectionate voice.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Of course, then he says “I
hope we didn’t hurt her by pressing on her.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What a way to make me worry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Especially since she hasn’t given me any big kicks since then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve felt her rolling a little bit but she is
definitely not as active as she has been lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s got me thinking we hurt her in some
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I searched online and it appears
that we did not do anything that anyone else hasn’t done and everything is ok
with them so I’ll have to assume that she’s fine in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">No big plans for the weekend
but I’m taking Monday off to spend with the husband as it’s his 40<sup>th</sup>
birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We might go out to dinner with
his sister Saturday night to celebrate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We have the LG this weekend so we need to figure out something to
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our little town does not offer
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m just looking forward to
sleeping in and hanging out with my boys…while my little girl tags along
oblivious to it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hope you all have a
great weekend!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-532456271171506906.post-76067857050350903672012-09-13T11:35:00.001-04:002012-09-13T11:35:47.509-04:00A Little Clarification<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thank you all for the
congrats and the well wishes on our PINK news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We really <u>are</u> excited about this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just wanted to drop a quick line of clarification on my husband’s
comment of “if it’s a girl, I’m sending it back.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want my husband’s remark to brand him
as an ass or to offend anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was
completely in jest and our neighbors have known us for almost 3 years and they
are familiar with his sense of humor and his “joking” tone, something that doesn’t
convey in print, obviously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think most
of you got it but it seems that he may have offended some and I definitely don’t
want that to be the case so here’s the story behind that comment.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I didn’t type out the whole
conversation in which that statement came from and maybe I should have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were talking to our neighbors (as they had
just found out about the pregnancy) and they were asking all the usual
questions about how I’m feeling, what the Little Guy thinks, what do we want,
had we discussed names…all that stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When we were talking about these things the subject of how girls and boys
are different came up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we talked
about how as girls grow up they get interested in boys and then boys will be
coming around wanting to date our potential daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BJ is a very protective man toward the
important women in his life so this part of the conversation scared him a little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thought of having to keep boys “away”
from his little girl was not something he was looking forward to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So he said, “I can’t have that…I don’t want
any boy near my daughter so why don’t we just tell the baby that if It’s a girl
I’m sending it back?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He meant no
offense to anyone and we all got a pretty good laugh about it because we know
how protective he’ll be of his daughter.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It didn’t take long for us to
start calling her Baby Girl after our u/s last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also did not take long for him to get
over his “aw shucks” moment that he experienced when it was announced he’s
having a girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deep down we both knew it
would be a girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Less than 48 hours
after we found out he was telling me that she’s going to be a Daddy’s
girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, duh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew that right away but it was nice to
have it come from him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we were
walking through the baby store (after we bought her crib!!) we were oohing and
ahhing over the girl clothes and he agreed that girls have great clothes and he
even started picking things out that he’d like for her to wear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t buy anything but it was fun
nonetheless.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Above all, my husband wants a
healthy child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t we all?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And before anyone starts in on what he will
be like if she’s not healthy…it’s not about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His first born was diagnosed with a major
heart defect 2 days after he was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No one knows how it was missed at the anatomy scan but it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This diagnosis stressed him and the LG’s
mother out of their minds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They never
knew if he would stop breathing or if his heart would stop beating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had to have open heart surgery at 6 weeks
and then again when he was 4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Along with
a few other more minor procedures along the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been a scary ride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What should have been the happiest time of
their lives with their new baby boy went down a very dark and terrifying road
right from the beginning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s scared of
that happening again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when I say that
he just wants a healthy child what I’m saying is that he just wants to be able
to enjoy her without the stress of a health problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said, don’t we all?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knows all too well what it’s like to have
an unhealthy baby and he just wants to be spared that pain this time around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope that for us both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will love and adore and spoil <u><em>any</em></u> child
that we have.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
TeeJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00893545693449975785noreply@blogger.com3