Hello! It's me...the Long Lost Blogger

I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I've been here.  I miss this place.  And I want to come back.  I want to share more of our story.  Even if no IF's read anymore I can hopefully shed some light on what it's like to be a 40+ mom after infertility sucked the life out of me.  Maybe I can help people with blended families (and maybe they can help me, too) figure out how to make all of this work.

I have an IRL friend that has gotten me through more than one trial and tribulation since the birth of Baby Girl.  There's so much to say.  Until I can get here and write more regularly just know....Baby Girl is amazing.  She's healthy (knocking on ALL the wood), she's active, sassy, sweet, sensitive, adorable, creative and just a wonderful little human.  She's also really good at pushing buttons and patience to the brink.  Lol  We are not perfect, far from it, but she and I are extensions of each other.  She has filled my life with everything I hoped she would.

Our family dynamic is in some turmoil.  The Little Guy (not so little anymore) is 16 and things have not been going well for the last 2 years.  Well, it's been building for many more years than that but now that he's growing up things have really been on a downward spiral.  It makes me so sad to see it happening and knowing that I can't really do anything about it.

It's a tricky time of year for us financially and so the stress of that is weighing heavily on me, too.  Sigh

There's much to say and I will catch everyone up little by little.  I miss you all so very much.  And I miss writing.  Gosh, just this little post feels so good coming off my fingertips.  I will be back, and soon!

Sibling Rivalry - Sort Of

We have a problem.  The first step to getting help is admitting that there is a problem, right?  This problem is not one I was prepared for.  It’s one of those things that you don’t really want to talk about for fear of what others may think.  We have kept it pretty quiet thus far.  We elude to the problem very vaguely and with humor while trying to cover up the problem.  It sounds a little like infertility, doesn’t it?  It’s definitely not that.  Not anymore, anyway.

The problem is the relationship between our Baby Girl (BG) and the Little Guy (LG).  When people ask us what he thinks of her we are very honest with our answers.  He loves her to pieces.  He adores her.  He’s great with her.  When people ask us what she thinks of him we cringe and stammer out a less than truthful answer.  She loves him.  They play well together.  It’s hit or miss…you know how toddlers are.

Blah

The truth is that she doesn’t really like him.  She doesn’t like it when he tries to pick her up.  She doesn’t like it when he touches her or holds her toy or even lays on one of her blankets on the floor.  If I ask him to put her in her high chair she takes off running and tries to hide from him.  Sometimes she will come into the kitchen and try to hide behind my legs…all the while whining and trying to get away from him.  She has hit him on several occasions.  She refuses to tell him “night, night”.  She acts like it’s the end of the world if we ask her to give him a goodnight hug.

He’s never been mean to her.  He’s never alone with her.  He “picks” on her sometimes like a big brother does but it’s nothing that should make her behave this way.  It’s very upsetting to me.  It’s upsetting because I want to tell him to just leave her alone.  Stop trying to get a hug.  Stop trying to pick her up.  And then the other side of it is that I’m upset because I don’t know how to fix this.  She’s 20 months old (how did THAT happen?) and I feel like I can’t leave her with him for fear that she will have a complete meltdown.  He’s 13 so I know he could handle watching her for short amounts of time but the anxiety I would feel while away is just not worth it.

We are always inclusive when we are playing with her.  We include him in everything and try to make playing with him fun.  We hug him to show her that hugging him is ok.  Nothing is working.

There are times that she completely surprises us and sits with him on the couch while they watch cartoons.  And there’s times that she sits on his lap while he reads her a story.  When we are playing on the floor we can sometimes get her to happily include him in our activity.  When we are eating dinner she will be silly with him across the table.  He will take her outside and they will color with chalk or walk around in the driveway by themselves.  Those times are the rarity, though.  It breaks my heart because I know how upset he gets when she pushes him away and wants nothing to do with him.  He loves her so much and she acts like he’s the enemy.  It’s awful.  BJ gets annoyed with her and tells her to “stop acting like that” and “why are treating your brother this way?”  “Quit being mean to your brother”.  I hate that he tells her she’s mean.  It’s not untrue but I don’t like it.

It started when she was about 13 or 14 months, I guess.  It’s getting worse as she gets older.  I just don’t know how to handle it.  He’s with us 50% of the time meaning every other day and every other weekend so it’s not like she doesn’t see him enough to grow attached to him.  I really thought that by now she’d be excited to see him and sad when he leaves.  Instead, she refuses his hugs and couldn’t care less when he’s gone.  Well, that’s not true.  She does ask about him when he’s not there but not in an “I miss my brother” sort of way.  It’s more of a “where is he?” and that’s it.

Anyway, I’m at a loss here folks.  I do not like talking about this with people because they get a look on their face that makes me want to crawl into a hole.  I’ve had one person ask me if the LG has done something to her.  Ugh…I know he hasn’t.  He’s never alone with her.  I feel ashamed and I don’t even know where to turn for help.  I don’t know people with children this far apart in age.  The only reference I have is myself.  I’m 8.5 years older than my brother.  The thing is, he wanted to be with me all the time while we were growing up so I can’t understand why BG wants nothing to do with her big brother.  Any advice out there?  I’m feeling rather defeated right now.

This and That

I know, you deserve a much better post/update than this and now that the election is over I might actually have time to sit down and write something worth reading.  For now, I want to touch on a few things non-pregnancy related that I have neglected to write about over the last few months.

The Little Guy’s mother has a new boyfriend.  I knew something was up when she asked to switch a day with us (a Thursday when it was our weekend to have him) and then didn’t call him all weekend.  That is very unlike her…so I had a feeling something was going on but I didn’t say anything to anyone.  BJ got a text from her about 2 weeks later that she was seeing someone and that a meeting between the LG and him would not happen for a while.  Well, it only took about another week or so before she introduced them.  The LG seems to like him and they do fun things like camping, amusement parks and stuff like that.  The only problem is that she likes to hang out at his place a lot, even when she has the LG with her.  I don’t blame her as he has his own house and she lives in her dad’s basement (which is very tiny) so who wouldn’t want to hang out somewhere else?  However, the LG doesn’t really have anything to do while they are there.  So, many of his weekends are pretty boring.  Not to mention, the boyfriend lives in another county which is about a 30 to 35 minute drive away.  Everyone seems happy so it’s good for now.

The LG started middle school this year.  Wow, I remember when he started Kindergarten.  He’s growing up so fast.  We are having a hard time adjusting to say the least.  He is in honors classes so he’s at a faster pace and higher level this year.  His math is kicking my butt…not to mention HIS butt.  I get home, help finish making dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner and then sit down to go over his homework.  I easily spend another 45 minutes to an hour helping him with his math.  I haven’t seen this math since I was in school and that was a LONG time ago.  He doesn’t take good notes and can’t remember what his teacher instructs him to do so I’m left surfing the internet or trying to figure out how to use his text book to help finish his worksheets.  It’s a nightmare.  And then comes his lack of memory for turning in this homework that we spend so much time on.  He forgets everything…and I’m not kidding.  He totally played me the other week because I told him that if he did not turn in one more assignment (especially after we spent so much time on it) he would be grounded for 3 days.  We can look online at his grades and his work was missing so I told him that was it, he was grounded.  He promised me he turned it in and that he looked everywhere for it and that the teacher must have lost it.  He cried and cried and didn’t understand why I didn’t believe him.  I felt like an ass because I really wanted to believe him.  I let him off the hook.  I looked in one of his other folders several days later and wouldn’t you know that I found the missing homework?  Ugh.  I told him that no matter how many tears he cried I would not believe him if another assignment came up missing.  So he was grounded for a full weekend day…no electronics.  He was so bored, poor thing.  Needless to say, things aren’t going great with middle school.  I’m hoping that he will adjust to the added responsibility a little better as time goes on.  Once Baby Girl gets here our lives will be that much more chaotic.

We weathered the hurricane just fine. We were so prepared to lose power…we had coolers, extra ice, a generator, propane for our grill, batteries for our flashlights, food that was power-failure appropriate, water in our bathtub…everything.  Of course we only lost power for 2 minutes.  I’ve never been so prepared for a storm.  I almost wished that we had lost power for a few hours.  Not really.  We have lost power and not been prepared and it sucked, big time.  I feel so badly for the NJ/NY areas that were hit so hard.  It’s unbelievable what a storm like that can do.  I can’t imagine losing everything like that.   It makes me cherish the fact that we came through unscathed.

We took a mini-vacation to an indoor waterpark last month.  It was fun to get away but of course I did not ride any of the rides.  I stuck my feet in the hot tub for a few minutes while BJ was enjoying the bubbles but I got hot pretty quickly so I just sat there and kept him company.  The LG rode all sorts of waterslides and we all swam in the big pool together.  I indulged in a pre-natal massage and it was heavenly.  BJ scoffed at the price (I even had a coupon!) but I told him that since I could not ride the rides that the massage was MY vacation and I didn’t care how much it cost.  It was only my 2^nd professional massage and I so wish I could get one once a week…it was blissful.  We ate some good food and played games at the arcade and just had a nice time.  We couldn’t go on a real vacation this summer because I couldn’t tolerate the heat so this was the next best thing.  I’ve also been saving my leave to carryover to next year and combine with my maternity leave so getting away felt really good since I feel like we have been trapped in our county since January.  There were so many babies and pregnant ladies there it was unreal.  I was so happy to be one of them for once, let me tell you.  Even BJ commented to me that I didn’t have to look at them with daggers anymore.  He was right.  But I did wonder if anyone was looking at me with daggers.

Oh yeah…another quick story.  On Open House night at school we were in the LG’s reading class and the teacher pointed out that she had the kids write the obligatory “what I did over the Summer” essay and she posted them in the back of the room.  While she was talking (and I should have been listening) I was searching for the LG’s essay.  I finally found it.  I read it and I beamed with pride.  The only 2 things he wrote about were places that I took him – the waterpark for his b-day in June and bowling with a friend.  How cool is that?  His mom took him to the beach once but he didn’t mention that.  She didn’t take him nearly as much as she used to…due to the new boyfriend, and I guess he took notice of that.  I showed the essay to BJ and told him how cool it was that the LG wrote about the things we did.  Since we didn’t take a real vacation he didn’t have much to pick from but writing about our time instead of the beach trip meant a lot to me.  I love that kid…bad memory and all.

I will do a better update later and I have some posts brewing that I need to get on paper so be prepared for a flurry of action around here over the next week or so…there’s lots to share.

Nesting, Registering, Melting, Worrying

Instead of a bullet point post, I’m going to do 4 mini-posts in one.  I know you are excited!

Nesting

The nesting has begun.  We cleaned out the “scrapping” room to make way for the baby furniture we bought.  I still have to clear out half of the closet but we are well on our way to having a real nursery.  We even installed some shelves in the closet.  The lady at work that had her baby girl 7 weeks early gave me a box full of clothes that her little one has outgrown.  I can’t believe that I have baby clothes in my house.  We brought the crib and dresser home and set them up in her room.  I fought tears a couple of times because I was just so overcome with joy and love and disbelief that this is happening for us.  BJ didn’t see the tears.  He went down to the neighbor’s house for a little while and I took that time to hang out in baby girl’s room and have a talk with her and God.  Of course the flood gates opened up at that point.  We had put her bedding in her crib to get an idea of if we liked it (we love it) and to see what color(s) we want to pull from the bedding in order to paint.  I kept looking at the empty crib in awe.  There’s finally going to be a baby in our house (hopefully) and it’s so emotionally overwhelming that sometimes I just cry.  I pulled myself together and by the time BJ got home I was fresh faced again.  He doesn’t like it when I get over emotional like that so I try to keep it all to myself until I’m alone.  It makes him uncomfortable and he knows there’s nothing he can do to prevent the tears so I try to protect him from feeling like he can’t protect me…confusing, yes, but it works.  We also started clearing out the basement.  We have a huge load of stuff to take to the thrift store this weekend.  Once we do that he will have room to work down there whenever he feels like working.  It will be nice to get started on the basement finally.  I really need my scrapping space back.  :-)

Registering
We started a baby registry when we picked up the crib and dresser.  We picked out the bigger ticket items that we’d both need to agree on and then added some smaller things here and there.  It was so fun to watch BJ with the scanner…he walked passed a teddy bear and scanned it and looked at me with a sly smile on his face and said, “she needs a big bear”.  There are some things that I still need to research to make sure we didn’t pick something that got bad reviews.  There are many, many small things that still need to be added.  BJ said that he was fine with whatever I picked as far as bottles and breast pump and stuff like that go.  I don’t blame him for opting out of another big visit to the store.  It’s so overwhelming to have to choose what we want.  So here’s my question…I plan on nursing but know that I still need bottles.  What kind of bottles did you moms out there love or hate?  I want to make sure that baby girl isn’t getting too much air and that she’s getting a bottle that is as close to the breast as possible.  Also, are there things that you really couldn’t live without in the first several months?  What did you get that you had no use for?  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Melting

So you all heard about BJ feeling baby girl for the first time and now you get to hear about the Little Guy’s first experience.  We ordered pizza from Dom.ino’s on Sunday because we were so worn out from working in the basement we didn’t feel like cooking.  Anyway, I had 2 and half slices of pizza and the boys had pizza and wings and then we all crashed on the couch.  The LG always sits between us while we watch TV.  Baby girl started kicking and wiggling away in there.  I thought I’d take a chance and told the LG to give me his hand.  I lifted my shirt and gently placed his hand on my stomach.  I told him to be very still and concentrate.  Sure enough she kicked!  I asked him if he felt it and he said he did.  AWESOME!  Then she did it again.  Then BJ wanted a turn.  His hand is so much bigger and he knows what he’s expecting and he could feel her rolling around.  Then the LG wanted to try again.  He felt a very small kick and then couldn’t feel any more.  She was moving around a lot so she either liked the pizza or didn’t like the pizza.  Then the LG said to me, “it seems like she’s never going to get here.”  Awwwww…so sweet.  I assured him that she will be here before he knows it.

Worrying

I had my regular OB check up yesterday.  Now is the time she’ll start measuring me from the outside and I was very excited about that.  She showed me where my uterus was and how to feel  for it myself.  I thought that was very cool since I had been unable to detect it up until that point.  Baby girl’s heart beat was between 147 and 152 bpm, which was perfect.  When she measured me, however, I’m only measuring 21cm, which is basically 21 weeks.  I was 22 week and 5 days yesterday.  She said that at this stage it’s nothing to worry about as long as I’m within 2 week either way.  I scheduled my glucose test, my flu shot and my pertussis shot and was out the door.  Then the worry set in.  I did a little googling and decided that I wasn’t going to stress about it.  But of course that is easier said than done.  We had our anatomy scan less than 3 weeks ago and she measured exactly with her due date.  How is it possible that now I’m almost a full 2 weeks behind?  Then I started to worry about the amniotic fluid.  I know baby girl is fine, I feel her kicking and dancing and cartwheeling in there all the time…but what about the uterus?  Is it too small for her?  Will I go into pre-term labor and lose her?  Oh my gosh I’m tearing up just thinking about that.  Then the cashier in our cafeteria was amazed at how small I am for 5 months.  I almost started crying right there as she was giving me my change.  BJ has been trying to reassure me that everything is fine.  He even looked up pictures of 5 month pregnant women on his phone while at work to see how I compare with them.  He told me we have nothing to worry about right now.  We’ll see what happens at the next appointment before we start to worry about anything.  Yeah, easy for him to say.  So I will just have to pull out my mantra of “baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine” to get me through the next 4 weeks.  As I’m typing my baby girl is doing flips and spins to let me know she’s ok.  It’s not her I’m worried about right now.  It’s the uterus in which she calls home.  Anyone else have this experience that can set my mind at ease, at least a little?

What's Happening?

Hi everyone!

Sorry I haven’t been the best at updating lately.  It’s an election year and that means that we are really busy at work so I don’t get much free time.  I will catch you up on what’s been happening lately…bullet style!

·         We are getting ready for the Little Guy to start middle school.  Ack!  He’s not looking forward to his summer vacation ending but I’m hoping that he will start to get excited very soon.  We are going school supply shopping this weekend.  I LOVE shopping for school supplies.  I always have.  There’s just something about folders and notebooks and new pens that get me all excited!  I could spend hours in an office supply store shopping for these things.  He has an orientation day on the 20^th.  They will ride the bus to school and take the tour of their classes and probably get lists of more supplies that are needed and then be home before 12:00.  School actually starts on the 21^st.  We never had an orientation day.  We just had to show up and hope for the best the first day.  No, I didn’t walk to school barefoot in the snow uphill both ways.

·         We were going to go the beach for a few days next week but given my penchant for heat/sun induced headaches we are skipping it.  I’m sad because I really need to get away for a few days but there’s not much to do indoors at the beach.  We have decided to take the LG away in early October to an indoor waterpark for a couple of days. We looked into it for next week but the prices were way over our budget for a 2 night stay so we will go in October when it’s about half the cost.  He was ok with this as he’s never been to the indoor waterpark before.  Score!

·         More people at work are learning about the pregnancy.  I’ve told a couple more people and I think word will start to spread now on its own.  BJ asked me how in the world I can keep it in.  I don’t really know the answer to that.  Maybe it’s the fear or maybe it’s because I like having this wonderful little secret all to myself.  Once people know, the questions and the advice start flying around and I’d rather not be bombarded with co-workers’ advice.  The important people have been told by me and that is what matters.  The others can learn through the grapevine or when they see the belly.

·         I have been bad about keeping up with my beautiful flower garden.  It’s been so hot this summer that going outside has been nearly impossible.  Even most evenings are still pretty warm.  I’m usually out there every weekend trimming roses, cutting back lilies and pulling weeds.  The migraines I get from the heat/sun have won out over my quest for the best looking yard in the neighborhood.  I’m hoping for some cooler weather this weekend so that I can trim things up a bit.

·         BJ finally went back to the doctor about the pains he gets in his side that travel around to his back.  They took some x-rays and noticed that the base of his spine is curving the wrong way.  The doctor wants him to go to physical therapy and try some exercises to strengthen his back to see if that alleviates some of the pain.  His first session was yesterday.  Of course it felt great while he was there and when he left but then later he was hurting pretty badly.  I told him that he probably just worked some muscles that he hasn’t worked before and it will get better.  I hope so as I hate to see him in pain.

·         We are supposed to start clearing things out of the basement this weekend so that BJ has room to start working on finishing it.  (because we’re having a baby!)  I have some things set aside to take to the thrift store but we have quite a bit of stuff to sort through to see what else we can get out of there.  I’m a little anxious to get going on this because I know that once school starts the time will start flying by and then it will be the holidays and oh my gosh the baby will be here shortly after that (hopefully).

There’s much more to write about but for now that is about all I have time for.  I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll talk at ya later!  (one of my Grandmother’s sayings).  Oh, and I put up a ticker…not sure how I feel about it yet.  Does it make me seem too arrogant or confident?  I’m not sure these feelings will ever go away.  I guess I can thank IF for making me worried about a ticker, right?  *sigh*.

Getting Things Done

My long-time readers will remember that we bought a house back in December of 2009.  This house has 4 bedrooms…a master, the Little Guy’s bedroom, a play/game room for the LG and a spare bedroom that has been turned in to my scrapping room.  This 4^th bedroom was intended to be a nursery and hopefully that is exactly what it will be in a few months.

We have told the LG since we moved in that we were going to fix up his play room.  We were going to get him a new TV, paint, hang up a bunch of sports stuff and make it a really cool room.  Well, we have dragged our feet.  It’s not cheap to buy a new TV and TV stand so we have been procrastinating.  We have also had a hard time finding a TV stand that we like and that will hold the video games and consoles in a neat and orderly fashion.

I’m now pregnant and BJ is anxious (to say the least) to get started on the basement so that we can move my scrapping things down there and turn the room into the nursery.  I told him that there is no way we are starting on the nursery until we complete the LG’s playroom.  I suggested doing it all at once on a weekend that we didn’t have him so that he could see it completed on his first day back at our house.  BJ agreed and we set our plan in motion.  I already had bought quite a few things to hang up in the room over the last couple of years so we were set there.  We bought a TV and actually found a really cheap but perfect TV stand and hid them in the basement.  BJ bought the paint (the same gray we painted our bedroom and a bright orange that the LG had picked out for an accent wall) and we were set.  One Friday after work BJ began taping off the trim and ceiling and we moved everything out of the room and I did almost all the cutting in.  It was a late night for us.  The next morning I got up early and finished cutting in while BJ drank his coffee and then he joined me.  He taped off the accent wall and we starting painting.  We worked all day and into the evening but we got the room painted with 2 coats and it looked great!

Sunday was spent adding all the decorating touches…sticking on the wall decals, hanging the sports pictures, pinning the Ovechkin jersey to the wall, hooking up the TV, hanging the pictures of the LG playing sports, setting his trophies out and making sure everything looked awesome.  The room was missing something so we headed to kmart to see if we could find a sports clock.  No luck, but we found a great sports area rug that we snatched up and added to the room for a final touch.  There are still a few bare spots on one of the walls so we need to get some Orioles things and maybe a few more Redskins items and then we will be 100% finished.  The room looks so great.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of us and how we worked together to make it perfect for the LG.

Monday came and BJ told the LG that we had a surprise for him in his room so he wasn’t allowed to go in there to play.  As soon as I got home from work we all headed upstairs and we did the big reveal.  He was so happy.  He really likes his room and I’m so glad.  I hope that he can hold onto this memory and really appreciate all that we did for him.  And although he probably wouldn’t have said anything to us if we had done the nursery first, I think there would have been an underlying resentment there.  And who could have blamed him, you know?  So now he knows for sure that he is just as important as the new baby and that we worked just as hard for him as we will on the nursery.

I’ll eventually post pictures of the room and pictures of the rest of the house because we have done some work over the last couple of years and I promised pictures a long time ago.

Friday Bullet Points

• The LG did not make the all-star team. I wasn’t there for the tryouts but BJ said it was a fiasco from the beginning. The poor kid gets himself so stressed out about being perfect that he ends up making mistakes. He felt horrible. I felt horrible for him. They asked to make him an alternate but we decided that would be torture. He’d go to all the practices and the game only to sit on the bench and hope for someone to get sick or hurt. That is not a cool position to be in and we felt it best to just remove him from the hurtful situation. We did, however, sign him up for a 4-day baseball camp next week and he’s excited about that. Whew! Distractions are great!


• His team played an awesome game yesterday and will now play in the championship game tomorrow! They had mediocre pitching and made some mistakes in the field and were down by 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th (last inning). One boy hit and got on base, another boy was walked and then another boy was walked. One of our better hitters got up and smacked the ball and drove in 3 runs while he was still on 3rd base. It was time for the LG to bat. He had been walked twice and hit a double earlier in the game. We didn’t have any outs. I was so nervous. I knew the winning run was on 3rd and hoped that the LG was able to hit the ball as a sacrifice and bring the 3rd base runner home. He was almost hit with a pitch and I hoped that he wouldn’t get walked. The next pitch came and he hit the ball into the infield by the pitcher. The pitcher scooped up the ball and instead of trying to hold the runner at 3rd (not a force out since no one was on 2nd) he threw the ball to first and got the LG out. We scored and won the game! It was so exciting. So now we play our last game of the season tomorrow. I hope we can pull it off. The team we are playing is tough to say the least. I don’t like their cocky attitudes and we have lost to them twice already. Wish us luck!

• I was finally able to get an appointment with my OB. I’m scheduled for July 3 at 1:15. That seems like an eternity away…I will have to put my patient hat on because there’s nothing I can do to change it.

• I also made an appointment for the scan with the MFM office. That appointment is not until the 16th! They said I’d have to meet with the genetics counselor due to my advanced maternal age. I had to fess up that we did DE and used a 22-year old’s eggs so that was not necessary. BJ said he’s coming to that appointment for sure. He was bummed about missing the last scan.

• I think I’m telling my parents this weekend. From the way I’m feeling I’m going to venture out on a limb and say that everything is still going good in there so it’s time to let them in on the joy.

• This weekend’s weather is supposed to be spectacular. I can’t wait as I love the lower humidity and the sunshine. Tomorrow morning will be a perfect time to work out in the yard since last weekend it was too hot and muggy to do so. My flowers need trimmed so that more can grow. I’m so happy with my petunias…I put 2 small plants in each pot on our porch and they are over flowing with blooms. I love it!

• Sunday is Father’s Day and I have nothing planned for BJ. We are picking the LG up around 2:00 or so and will probably go and get some steamed crabs, but other than that…I got nothin’. There’s really nothing to buy him and a card will get read and then put aside. I think spending time with his son is the most important thing anyway.

• The sadness that has engulfed the blogosphere this week is truly upsetting. I’m a follower of one of the ladies that suffered a horrible loss but do not know the other 2. However, my heart breaks for them and their families. And selfishly, I fear for myself. I can’t imagine their pain or what they are going through…it seems unbearable. I told BJ about it and told him that I guess we’re never really safe. It sucks that these bad things happen to such good people. And it’s not like I can stick my head in the sand and just ignore the possibility that this could happen to us. I’m not going to dwell on it but it’s always there in my mind. I’m so very sorry that these ladies have to endure these tragedies. It really does break my heart.

• I’m always touched by the support and encouragement I get from my readers. I am so grateful to have you all out there. You know exactly how to lift my spirits and put my mind at ease. I love opening my e-mail and seeing messages from you. Especially those of you whom I have not heard from on your own blogs in a long time. I love it when you drop in and wish me well. Thank you all! I hope you have a good weekend or at least as good of one as you can.

Proud Moments

I’d like to take this opportunity to boast about my step-son a little bit. Well, a lot, actually. He’s definitely not perfect and we are struggling in some areas, but overall he’s a really good kid and he deserves some props.


He had his 5th grade graduation/recognition ceremony on Friday. As the administrator was detailing the criteria for the President’s Award for Academic Excellence I leaned over and whispered to BJ that I bet the LG will get that. And sure enough they called his name! He maintained a 3.5 (or better) GPA and excelled at math and/or reading throughout the year. He definitely had the grades for it. He always get all A’s and only 1-3 B’s on his report cards and he’s in the honors math and reading classes. It was awesome to see him up on the stage with the other kids holding the award. He has signed up for honors classes next year in middle school, too. His teacher is confident that he’ll be able to handle it. I sure hope so because he’s a very smart kid when he slows down and pays attention to the details.

Last Saturday at his baseball game he found his swing and his power. He hit his first ever home run! This home run was not the result of the other team over throwing bases, either. This was a bon-a-fide, well hit, perfectly placed homerun. That ball sailed into left field and the kid ran after it and the LG was already rounding 3rd by the time he threw the ball in. His next at bat was just as exciting. He cracked the ball to right field and it sailed just like the first one. This one ended up being a triple! It was so exciting and he was so proud of himself. All of his coaches (and us) have always tried to help him with his swing and his stance because we just knew he could do stuff like that. He has so much potential. He’s pitched a few times this year, too and done very well. He has the best arm (strength and distance) on the team, by far. He just needs to work on his accuracy. He gets flustered pretty easily and then starts making mistakes, like many people when they flustered and stressed and feel pressure. We always try to calm him down and get him to “shake it off” but it doesn’t always work. His team played the first game in the tournament this past Saturday and he had another couple of good hits. He could have had another homerun thanks to a line drive hit to center field but the 3rd base coach held him up at 3rd because he misjudged where the ball was. Oh well, it was still great. Since the team had a lead that the other team couldn’t overcome (mercy rule of 5 runs per inning) the coach put him in to pitch. As he was warming up I was privy to this conversation between our coach and the other head coach.

Other coach – I see what you mean.

Our coach – I told you…just work on his mechanics and he’ll be a rock solid pitcher.

Other coach – He has quite the arm.

Game 2 of the tournament is tomorrow…if they win they will head to the championship game on Thursday!

Our assistant coaches all see the potential, too. He just has to keep his head in the game and not get so upset with himself. His coach called him a natural. Wow. He is the only kid on his team that can throw the ball from left field to right field (and even 1st base) with hardly any effort at all. It’s amazing to watch and I sure hope he keeps playing and working on his craft.

I received an e-mail Thursday from his coach stating that the coaches of all the teams have been asked to identify 4 players that they think should try out for the All-Star team. The LG has been chosen! He will try out on Wednesday evening. I’m so excited for him. He’s also very excited because he’s never been chosen before so this is very special. Fingers crossed that he makes the team. Like I said, he gets frustrated pretty easily so hopefully the pressure doesn’t get to him and he shows everyone what he can really do. Either way, I hope he’s proud of himself (just like we are) that he was chosen to try out.

Telling the News

There are many differing opinions regarding when and to whom to share the news of a pregnancy. In the normal, fertile world I don’t know that keeping a pregnancy a secret until you hit 12 weeks is the norm or not. I know many people that have spilled the beans a lot sooner without a second thought. That is all fine and good in their world. My world, the Infertile world, is a little different…at least in my opinion.


I was sure that as soon as I saw a heartbeat I would want to share the news with the people closest to us. Then I had the bleeding scare. And then I thought about all the blogs I have read over the years where women have lost babies at 7, 8, 9 and as late as 12 weeks. That does not count the other losses even later than that due to other complications. It’s very scary. I know that if I lose this baby (please don’t let that happen) I will be devastated. I really did not want to inflict any pain on anyone else that might love this baby, too. Given all of that, I decided that I wanted to wait until I was at least 10 weeks before telling those people closest to us. People like the Little Guy, BJ’s sister, my parents. My husband had a different plan.

He cannot keep a secret to save his life. As soon as he knows something he has to call me or text me or come running in the house to tell me. It’s crazy. So he decided to tell the Little Guy about the baby as long as everything went well at our u/s. I told him that I wasn’t sure about this but was over ruled so I had to think fast and think of a way to make it memorable. After a 2 ½ hour commute home and a terrible experience at KFC picking up dinner, I finally made it home. I was exhausted to say the least. So we ate dinner and the LG went to clean up. I asked BJ if we were still telling him and he confirmed that we were. I asked him if he had thought about a cool way to tell him but he had just planned on blurting it out. I said, “No way. I’ve waited way too long for this moment to just blurt it out. Let me tell him.” So the LG came back to the kitchen and we were standing around the table. BJ told him we had something to talk to him about. Then I started…

Me – In January…you are…going to be…a big brother

LG – Really?

Me – Yep

LG – Cool

BJ – She’s trying to tell you that she’s pregnant

LG – I figured….cool. When did you find out?

Me – On my birthday

LG – That’s cool

BJ – It’s still pretty early, and sometimes miscarriages happen but we’re really hoping that it won’t.

Me – We saw the heartbeat today…here’s the picture

LG – That’s it? (pointing at the spec on the u/s picture) Cool.

BJ – You can tell your mom if you want. We haven’t told anyone else but you yet.

LG – Cool

And then he was off to play video games. Not the cute, creative way I would have liked, but he seemed good with it. There’s more to this story and I’ll get there in a minute.

The next day was his baseball game and his mom came with her new boyfriend (which I really need to write about), her dad and her boyfriend’s daughter. We didn’t sit together this time, thank goodness so I didn’t really talk to her at all. We learned that they had plans to go to the amusement park the next day and so we figured that the LG might be too preoccupied to say anything to his mom. We also weren’t sure if he’d say anything in front of the new boyfriend. After the game we were driving home and BJ’s text alert played. It was her. She was congratulating him. She thinks it’s awesome that the LG will have a half brother or sister. I then told BJ that we could not wait to tell his sister until we saw her in person because she and the LG’s mother are FB friends. We called my SIL the next day and put her on speaker phone. She was playing video games with her kids. I shouted out that we are having a baby. She freaked out. It was such a great reaction. She told the kids to play for her because she had to go. She kept saying things like “are you kidding?” “you’re joking, right?” She was so happy for us. Then she asked if it was “natural”. I told her that we had help but that everything looked good so far. We talked for a while and I promised to keep her updated on everything.

That Monday, the LG’s mom sent me an e-mail to congratulate me and tell me how excited he was to tell her. She said that his butt had hardly hit the seat of the truck before the news came flying out of his mouth. I was so touched. He has made a couple of comments over the years about how he likes being the only kid so I was worried that he’d be upset. I think he’s old enough now to where we won’t have any jealousy issues. He’ll make a great big brother, I’m sure of it.

So that’s how the telling went so far. I’m probably going to wait until after Tuesday to tell my parents. If everything still looks really good then I may go ahead and spill the beans to them. I’m not 100% sure yet. Of course, BJ can’t wait until I give him the all clear to make his FB announcement. I will not be doing that but he wants to so I guess he will. That kind of announcement will just have to wait a few more weeks.

In other news…I received a folder in the mail from the clinic. They congratulated me on my pregnancy and provided a slew of helpful information regarding how to stave off nausea and some things that are ok for pregnancy and some things that are not. They also gave me a form to give my OB and a form to fill out and send back to them after delivery. After delivery? I’m only 7 weeks and they sent me a form for after delivery? Wow…It’s almost like I’m a regular pregnant lady. I like it. It scares me, but I like it. They also want me to stop my PIO shots tomorrow and switch over to Endometrin. I’m to continue my Delestrogen until 6/27 and at that point I can stop all medications. Double wow.

I will admit, I’m a bit nervous. I was doing ok because I was starting to feel a little nausea here and there so I was comfortable knowing that everything was going ok. However, I haven’t had any nausea today and there haven’t been any smells that have made me gag today. I’m sure it’s just one of those things that just comes and goes, but it still makes me nervous. I have to wait until Tuesday to see my little bean again and it’s going to be a long wait. Fingers crossed and prayers said that everything is still going good in there.

6dp5dt - I Got Nuthin'

I was so slammed at work today that I didn't get the chance to post.  Although, as far as the cycle goes, I don't have much to report.  That makes me a little (a LOT) sad.  I know it's early yet, so I'm not giving up the hope.  I'm just settling into that place where I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't work.  You all know the place I'm talking about.  The closer it gets to test day, the more fear and dread and negative thoughts start to set in.  I'm trying to keep them at bay, really I am.  It's just really hard.  I haven't had one food aversion, not one second of nausea, not much of anything.  I've had some cramps and that's a good sign, I guess.  I haven't had a period in 79 days so I'm sure with all the estrogen and progesterone I'm pumping into my body my lining is about to burst at the seams.  That would account for the cramping I'm experiencing.  The cramps feel pretty much like period cramps.  My boobs are still sore but they haven't gotten any worse.  If anything, they have mellowed out a little.  I don't take that as a good sign.  I'm tired but it seems like no more than usual.  Ok, maybe a tad more than usual but again...the progesterone.  *sigh*
We have a really big meeting coming up on Thursday that I will spend most of tomorrow and Wednesday prepping for.  I was going to test Wednesday morning but have since thought better of it.  If it's negative I won't be able to focus on the tasks at hand.  I can't test Thursday morning, the morning of the meeting for the same reason.  Friday is my birthday and I'm so scared of seeing a stark white window that I might actually be able to wait until Saturday morning.  There will be no question of accuracy at that point.  I'm sort of going crazy wanting to know, though.  I have to have my head in the game for this meeting prep, though.  I was given more of the prepping responsibilities so I'm going to be scrutinized all the more.  Although I feel a bit distracted NOT knowing.  I'm a mess.

My weekend was great.  The Little Guy had his baseball game on Saturday.  They were losing and decided to put him in to pitch.  It was his first time this year and it's been almost a year since he last pitched.  He struck out one kid with beautiful pitches.  He tagged a runner out at home!  And then he struck out one of the other teams best hitters!  He got all 3 outs of the last inning himself!  Proud is not even the word.  And all of this while dealing with a cold.  Poor kid.

Sunday was spent outside lounging in a lawn chair while BJ washed and cleaned the inside of my truck.  He's so good to me.  And now my truck is clean and smells good and I have the beginnings of a nice tan.  We went to lunch at 5 Guys and I was able to have a caffeine free fountain cola.  Oh how I have missed my fountain colas.  I LOVE fountain colas but no one has caffeine free...except the 5 Guys by our house.  Yummy!

I'll keep you all in the loop if I break down and decide to test early.  Thank you so much for your support and your well wishes.  It really means a lot to me that you are out there.  I know I say it a lot, but it's really true.

2dp5dt - DE Cycle #1 (hopefully only)

At this point, the embryo should have shed its outer shell and started the implantation process. I hope that is what’s happening in there. Tomorrow, the little one should really be burrowing in for the long haul. These 2 days are so very important in the process. I can only hope with all of my might that everything is happening as it should and that our little over achiever is doing what it’s supposed to be doing.


I’ve thought about when I will test and I haven’t come to a conclusion. I want to keep feeling all these good things. I want to keep the hope. I want to be PUPO as long as possible. I was thinking that the 16th would be a good day. I would be 8dp5dt and sure to get an accurate result. I changed my mind about that because my birthday is the 18th and I really don’t want to ruin my birthday in case it’s negative. And in case you were wondering, I’ve lost a little of my cockiness about this working. I still have hope and I’m not giving up by no means…I’m just not as cocky about it. There is a chance it won’t work and I have to be realistic about that. I don’t want my birthday marred by a negative result. On the other hand, I don’t think I’ll be able to STOP myself from testing before my birthday. I think I will just have to play it by ear. Also, the thought of getting a negative and then having to go to work is not appealing either. Decisions, decisions.

I have let a little of the crazy slip in. I’ve spoken to the embryo on multiple occasions. Telling it how much I love it and how much I want it to stick around in there until January. When I talk to it, I put my hand on my stomach. I may not have created that embryo but I love it more than I can put into words right now. When BJ got home the other day I showed him the picture and he was not very impressed because he doesn’t remember what our other embryos looked like. I showed him what is supposed to become the baby and what is supposed to become the placenta. He pretended to care so that was nice.

I was a good girl and rode the couch until 10:00 yesterday morning and even then I didn’t do a whole lot of standing and moving. I just did some laundry and we went to the Little Guy’s baseball game. They were creamed. I don’t think the LG has lost a game as badly as they lost that one. It was a 14-0 wallop. Come to find out the team was stacked from another league. Nice. However, the highlight of the evening was that the LG was the ONLY kid on his team to hit off of their pitcher and get on base. Granted, he was stranded there, but still. I was so proud of him.

Now for a symptom check: (Like I said, I’ve let a little of the crazy set in, bear with me.)

- Sore boobs – They’ve been sore since I started the bcp. It’s gotten worse since adding the PIO and the estrogen. Not sure how much more this would change should I become pregnant.

- Several twinges in my lower left abdomen. It doesn’t really feel like my ovary area so I’m guessing it’s not a cyst acting up. It could just be my lining growing with the estrogen and the PIO.

Considering that the little embryo has only just begun to implant (hopefully) I didn’t really expect to have much to report. What I’m hoping is this…with my last pregnancy, I was only 4 weeks (with a very weak embryo) when I began to have my tomato aversion. I know that all pregnancies are different but I’m hoping that with this perfect little ball of cells that’s in me now I will start to experience something like that a little sooner.

So that is where I’m at. I haven’t heard from my nurse about any possible frosties yet. She said she’d let me know by Friday so hopefully I’ll hear from her by tomorrow afternoon. I have a post in my head regarding the possibility of frosties that I will hopefully be able to get written soon. Thank you all again for your support. The next 7 or so days are going to be filled with lots of crazy and it’s nice to know that you all will be right there with me!

Sick, Sick, Sick!

Oh my gosh, y’all. I have not been this sick in years. My poor husband started feeling bad on 4/12 and went downhill pretty quickly. He was feverish, coughing, congested, sneezing, aching...all of it. And then Monday morning I was getting ready for work and just didn’t feel right. I took my temperature and it was just over 100.


I was out of work all week last week. I was struck down hard by the flu. I will always get my flu shot from now on. I couldn’t keep the fever away and nothing I took helped me feel any better. I rode the couch for a week and only started feeling better Saturday. All of this while trying to remain focused on my estrogen shots. It’s like I told BJ, I’m glad I’m sick now and not in 2 weeks...THAT would have been disastrous.

So let’s go back in time to when I could breath and didn’t cough every 3 minutes....

I have been taking my shots every 3 days just like a good DE recipient should. I have not had any problems administering the shot to myself. It gives me some confidence going forward with PIO shots. Right now I’m on .2cc of the Delestrogen every 3rd day. I will go in on Thursday morning for a lining check and hopefully everything is ok and nothing got derailed by the sickness.

My nurse called me Friday to let me know that our donor would be starting stims on Saturday, just as planned. She will be coming in for her first check tomorrow. I will get a full report in the afternoon of how things are progressing. I can’t wait for that phone call. Fingers crossed that everything looks great.

The estrogen is definitely affecting my body...in a positive way. At some point last week I noticed that I had some EWCM being produced. Not to be too descriptive or give TMI, but since going on the bcp I’ve been pretty dry and it’s been a hindrance to say the least. It’s nice to have some CM down there to make things a bit more pleasant. And since BJ and I have both been sick for so long it was nice to finally feel up to doing something AND having the CM. My boobs are still tender but not as bad as before. Other than that, I haven’t noticed any side effects from the estrogen.

Back to Wednesday....the LG had his first game Wednesday. I was so sick, but I was not missing it. It was cold and damp and dreary, but we managed to make it out there anyway. I had been hoping the rain would cancel the game but that was not the case. They ended up winning and the LG got a hit and an RBI. It was exciting even though I couldn’t really cheer or jump up and down for him. I really wish his mom would have found somewhere else to sit instead of right beside me. The last thing I wanted was to be social. But I put on my happy (tolerant) face and talked to her anyway. I was glad when the game was called due to darkness.

I have so much catching up to do with you all, and with some new readers that have stopped by in honor of ICLW. I barely read any blogs while I was home sick...I just couldn’t bring myself to focus. I’ll be catching up over the next couple of days though.

Sorry this is short, especially since I have more things to update on, but I’m pressed for time and just wanted everyone to know I’m still here and I’m ok. I’ll be back soon!!

Nature or Nurture?

It’s the age old question...does nature determine who we are or are we nurtured into a certain mold?


I don’t know why there has to be debate about it. The answer is obvious...it’s both. I am a perfect example of both nature and nurture playing a role in who I am as a person.

I was raised by my dad and step-mom. I rarely saw my mother as I was growing up. My dad had me play sports to help “keep me out of trouble”. I learned to love baseball and volleyball from an early age. My dad was a pitcher and so he thought I would make a good pitcher, too. As it turns out, I was a pretty decent pitcher. I preferred to wear jeans and t-shirts for the most part growing up. I liked to wear baseball hats and hang out with the guys. I didn’t meld well with other girls. There were times that I wore a dress here and there but if I wanted to dress it up a little I’d wear a skirt with tennis shoes.  When I became a ‘tween and a teenager I of course began doing my hair and wearing make-up. However, I was still a major tomboy. My step-mother was not happy about all of this. She really wanted me to wear dresses and be more girly and help more in the kitchen and with cleaning and stuff like that. I was very resistant to all of those things. I wanted to play video games or watch Monday Night Football.

Now that I’m an adult I see all the ways I’m like my dad. It’s true that we turn into our parents. I’m much more patient with the LG than my dad was with us kids. But for the most part, I am my father’s daughter. We are both stubborn and unrelenting. We don’t know how to give up. We are reserved and in control. We have a very strong work ethic. We believe that honesty is the best policy and we think that being lied to is one of the worst offenses one can commit against us.

On the flip side of that, there are so many ways that I am like my mother. She was more of a tomboy growing up than I was. I have low self-esteem, which is just like her. I have a jealous bone the size of Texas, also just like her. I have a way of holding in my anger and being passive aggressive instead of creating a true conflict that will clear the air. I like to walk with very heavy feet when I’m aggravated (also seen as stomping to most people). I tend to shut down emotionally in tragic situations and just sort of float through them. Once by myself, I let those emotions all out and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I love football and that is a love that my mom and I share. We both love Disney movies and can watch them over and over. We both love the music of the 60’s. We both love to dance and cut loose on the dance floor and act silly around our friends.

My siblings were raised by my mother and let me tell you....we are extremely different. We don’t really have much in common when it comes to core values and ethics. I disagree with a lot of what goes on in their lives but I know that it’s because they were raised very differently from me. It’s hard for me to connect to them now that we are grown because we are so different even though we have the same mother. The things that I seem to have in common with my mother are not really shared between my siblings and me. It’s strange, really.

What I’m getting at is that I know that my child (please, oh please let this work) will have parts of his/her personality that are genetically linked to the donor but I also know that I will have a really big influence on who the child becomes just by raising him/her. I’ve seen how the home environment can shape who a person becomes. This is evidenced by my siblings and me. I’ve seen how genetics can play a role as evidenced by all the ways I’m like my mother. This baby (please, oh please let there be a baby!) will no doubt have traits from the donor but I’m fine with that. I’m fine with that because this will be my child and hopefully I can teach him/her how to love football and hockey and baseball and how lying is bad and honesty and trust are good. I’m going to teach him/her right from wrong and how to be kind to people and how to help people in need and always think of others before him/herself. I’m going to tell him/her how important a good work ethic is to really make him/herself stand out in a crowd and how working hard for what you want is so rewarding.

I really believe that BJ and I will produce a wonderful human, even if the egg is not my own. He produced a really good kid with his ex, right? I’m so ready for this...

Two side notes...I’m going crazy waiting for my coordinator to call me and tell me where the other ladies are in their cycles. She said she’d get back to me by the end of the week but how long does it take to make 3 phone calls? I know, I know...I’m not her only patient. Other side note...BJ was watching a commercial on TV last night and I’m not sure what it was a commercial for but it showed those little decals on the back of vehicles that depict the family within the vehicle...you know the ones...the ones we IF’s would like to scrape off because we feel like they are bragging about their abundance of fertility. Anyway, BJ said that he was going to get one if we have a baby. I told him that it had to include the cats and he said that he’d make sure to have 2 cats, the baby, the LG and us. I know how much I hate those decals but I must admit that the thought of being able to have one is quite appealing. Maybe if I put a little asterisk by the baby that says something like *I suffered for over 10 years to be able to put this on my car...please don’t hate me! What do you think? It’s still bragging, isn’t it?

Holy Completed Match, Batman!

I posted on Friday morning that we had chosen our donor Thursday afternoon. I ran to a couple of meetings and was having a pretty busy day overall. When I checked my e-mail at around Noon, I had a message from my coordinator that our match was COMPLETE! Wow! I hadn’t even had time to call my financial coordinator to put our deposit down. I called BJ immediately and told him the news. I was in shock at how fast another person snatched up our donor. I’m so glad we pulled the trigger when we did. I was on the phone as soon as I hung up with BJ to get the financial side straight and to figure out our next steps.


I read the e-mail a couple of times before I noticed a very important piece of information. We are the primary recipients for this donor!! Do you know what that means? That means that I am not 2nd in line as I thought since we picked her 2nd. It also means that we are not 3rd in line with a much higher risk of getting cancelled off the cycle due to an unexpectedly low amount of good quality embryos. When I had my initial financial consult I asked how it worked if there weren’t enough to go around and was told that people are put in line and that there is a 20-22% chance that the 3rd person in line could end up with nothing to transfer. I was told that your place in line was determined by what procedures you had already been though. Basically, if you have tried everything you would be placed higher than someone that has maybe only failed one IVF. This didn’t really click with me until I read it in the confirmation e-mail on Friday. I guess there has to be a way to determine this but it all seems so strange...to determine who is more worthy by what they have suffered through...glad I don’t have to make those choices. I was so worried that I would be third in line...it’s how things usually go with me. Not this time!!

I was advised to call my nurse when my period started. Wouldn’t you know that I was already taking my “reminder” pills in my pack? My period showed up yesterday! I called my nurse this morning and she is going to touch base with the other recipients and the donor this week to figure out where everyone is in their cycles and she said she’d get back to me by the end of the week. She was just as surprised at how fast this all came together as I am.

On a side note...this is a conversation that BJ and I had Saturday morning:

BJ – I forgot to tell you that “LG” saw your vitamins. (My prenatals are in the pantry because they came in a huge box and I have nowhere else to put them. I had them hidden behind a can of soup but I guess it got moved.)
Me – eyes bulge out of head
BJ – he asked me what these pregnancy things were for...Is TeeJay pregnant? I told him no but that he knows that we’re still trying.
Me – jaw hits the floor
BJ – then he says to me, “You know, I like being the only kid”.
Me – heart sinking
BJ – I told him that it probably won’t be like that and he shrugged and said “yeah, I know”.

Ouch. I’ve always wondered how he would feel about me having a baby. He’s very good with little kids but he’s never had to share any of his parents with another child. He’s a really good boy, but he’s also pretty self-centered and spoiled. It’s not his fault...he’s the only child and he’s the step-child of an IF. Of course he gets doted on and spoiled and gets all the attention. I just hope that if we get to bring a baby home that he won’t resent it in any way. He will have to be informed that we are not getting the pool he wants so badly because of (hopefully) a baby on the way. I’m sure that won’t go over very well, either. I know he will love the baby but I still have the fear of the resentment factor. I’m sure all parents think about that when they are trying to have another child. I’m hoping that the huge age gap will not make things worse. I think toddlers and younger children adapt better to babies than older kids. I don’t know, maybe that’s not the case at all. I sure hope we get to find out, though. I can’t wait to take pictures of the two of them together and hear the LG talk about his brother or sister to other people. I hope we get to live that life. Fingers crossed.

Bittersweet Gift

I think I’ve mentioned here that I like to scrapbook. If not, then I’m mentioning it now. My SIL got me into it in late 2008. I thought it would be fun for the LG and for us to be able to look back through old pictures. I love doing that when I go to my parents’ house. I had never done it before and so I had a lot to learn...I’m still learning, actually. I had wondrous plans for making a baby album. Especially after seeing all the cute baby paper and stickers and such. I’ve always loved taking pictures of people and never really did anything with those pictures so it was the perfect hobby for me.


I dove in head first. I hit the Internet and bought oodles of tools and kits and such. We started our first few rounds of fertility treatments about this same time. I worked diligently on our wedding album. I decided that it was good to get my feet wet with a project that had a beginning and an end. I fell in love with scrapping. I went to all day crop events and just submerged myself in all things scrapping.

When we failed at our first IVF I was crushed, of course. I was also crushed that I wouldn’t be able to do a baby album...an album full of belly shots and first hospital pictures and the first time family would hold our baby. When I went to crops I would say at least 1/3 of the women there were working on baby albums. They chatted about everything baby and pregnancy and labor and I never had anything to add. A hobby that I thought would bring me friends was alienating me even more. When I did meet new people they would ask me how old my son was and I’d have to fess up that he’s my step-son. They didn’t usually have much more to say to me after that. I mean, I wasn’t pregnant with him, I didn’t birth him and I wasn’t a SAHM (which many of them are) that volunteered at school and went on field trips. It was fun to go to these events but at the same time it sucked.

Just before we were about to embark on our 2nd IVF, my SIL gave me a stack of pictures from the day the LG was born. She said she didn’t know if I wanted them but she thought I might like to at least look at them and give them to the LG. I had a brilliant idea. I’d make a special baby album for the LG. I’m sure his mother has one for him but this one would be different...it would be made by ME. As I was looking at those pictures I was happy because seeing my husband so young and happy made me smile. At the same time I was bitter because he was with another woman in those pictures...she gave him a baby and she made him smile like that...I was afraid I would never share that with him. I even bought the baby boy album kit to get started on this gift for the LG. It was supposed to be his 10th birthday present.

When I saw those 2 lines on that hpt I couldn’t have been happier. Not only was I excited about being able to join the Mommy Club, I was excited about all the scrapping that I’d get to do. I know it must sound corny, but that is the way my brain thinks now. Everything relates to scrapping somehow. I keep most of those thoughts to myself, though, otherwise people might take for a loony bird. Then my world fell apart and I lost that brief feeling of happiness. I put the LG’s album on hold. I just could not bring myself to look at those pictures. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. I’m sure that all you IF’s can understand that feeling. I went to a crop in May and reluctantly continued working on the album. My heart was not in it. I was exhausted by the time I left and not from working...from fighting back the tears I wanted to cry and the anguish I was feeling. I didn’t pick it up again until October. I just couldn’t do it. It was so painful to see him as a baby and see his mother smiling with MY husband by her side....it killed me inside. BJ didn’t really understand. He kept saying, “What’s the big deal? It’s pictures of (LG).” I would try to explain it to him but he didn’t get it...not really.

In October I decided that I better get my butt in gear because I had missed the LG’s birthday and so the album would now have to be a Christmas present. Oh, and in September I signed up to be an Independent Creative Memories consultant! So exciting and scary at the same time. They came out with a way to digitally create a traditional album cover and I knew that I had to make one for the LG’s album. The kit I had bought came with a baby blue coverset which was fine, but I LOVE the personalization of the customized album cover. It turned out great! Time was of the essence now that I had the album cover. I finally finished the album on Christmas Eve! I wrapped it up and put it under the tree. BJ looked through it before I wrapped it and really liked it. The LG unwrapped it and paged through it pretty quickly. BJ was quick to tell him how much time I had spent on it. I knew he wouldn’t be very excited about it because it wasn’t a video game but I still got a big hug out of it.

I know he will better appreciate it when he’s older. If we end up telling him that his brother/sister (please don’t let that be a jinx!) was created with the help of doctors because we really thought we couldn’t have babies, then I hope he will really understand how hard it was for me to make that album for him during this time of struggling. Like I said, I’m sure his mother has made something for him but hopefully he understands how much love went into this album. On the off chance she doesn’t have anything for him then I think he (and his future wife and children) will really appreciate this gift. It was the most bittersweet gift I have ever given anyone and no one was more deserving than him.

Just Hangin' Around

I’m still here. I’ve been absent for quite a while and I fear that I have some rust to remove from my writing hands. I’ve been reading all of your blogs and following along with your struggles, your pregnancies and watching your children grow and change. I just haven’t been a good commenter. I feel that I usually don’t have much insight to add. Especially when it comes to sleep schedules, new foods to feed babies, cloth diapering or how to stay healthy during pregnancy. It’s true...most of the blogs I read have moved to the other side. There is a few that still struggle with IF but that is the minority of the blogs I have in my Reader. Anywho...


I’ve gotten a couple of comments recently asking me how I’m doing and if things get better and how I’m dealing with everything. Here is what I can tell you:

• Life goes on. As much as we don’t want it to, it does. And it seems to move at lightning speed sometimes. Then at other times it slows to a pace that rivals a snail crawling across the sidewalk.

• It still hurts. Every day I hurt. I have to put it aside and keep it to myself, but it’s still there. This time of year can be especially painful. I had to endure my SIL’s Christmas party where there were about 5 toddlers, a 1-year-old, a newborn and a pregnant woman. There’s a story about the pregnant woman but it can wait. I came home and cried...in my bathroom...alone. I held the beautiful necklace that my bloggy buddy Esperanza sent to me right after my loss. It’s the first time since the day I received it that I held it in my hand and spoke to it like I was speaking to my lost child. It sits on my bathroom counter and I have touched it a few times but this is the first time that I held it and cried.

• I still have h-o-p-e. I don’t know why and I don’t know where it comes from. It sneaks in at really bad times and plays with my emotions like nothing I’ve ever known. It sucks, but I still have hope. Even though I know I have crap eggs and nothing will change about that. Even though I do not (nor will I ever) have the money for donor eggs. Even with a mental understanding that God never intended for me to have a child, I have hope.

• I’m ok. I’m not good or great or enthusiastic ...but I’m ok. As ok as I can be. Well, I guess I could work harder at it but I’m lazy and I’m not ready to try that hard.

This Christmas is proving to be a really tough one for me. I’m a step mother and that is a good thing. I get to have a child in my life and to experience holidays and such in a “family” way. I’m a hockey fan and I have turned my step son (and my husband) into fans, too. It’s sort of our “thing”. The Little Guy and I go to games and to the Convention and I buy him hockey gear and trinkets and things like that. His mother is a huge NASCAR fan. We like racing but not as much as she does. It’s sort of “their” thing. All of a sudden, she is invading my private space. She bought the Little Guy a new jersey, hockey tickets and a night in a hotel after the game. She also bought herself a matching jersey. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that she doesn’t like that the LG and I share this so she wants to let me know who’s boss...so to speak. BJ is not happy about it but what can he say? We can’t tell her she’s not allowed to buy those things. But seriously? Why is she taking this away from me? It’s not like I don’t know where I stand in his life. I know who Top Dog is and it’s not me. It just sucks. I don’t have much with him that is just “ours” and now I really don’t have anything. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I don’t care. If it’s selfish then call me Queen Selfish. Not to mention that on Christmas day I should be 38 weeks pregnant and about to welcome my own little miracle to the world. That, too, was taken from me. Sometimes I really wonder how the Universe works and why it seems to work against me in these ways.

I have much to be thankful for and trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. I have a family, I have my health, and I have a job and a house and car. I’m able to buy things for others for Christmas and also to help out a few charitable causes. I’m grateful to be able to do those things. It gives me a happy feeling inside. Again, I’m being selfish, but I want to be able to do the one thing I can’t.

I have much more to update but for now I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I wanted to let anyone that might be suffering that a) you are not alone and b) it gets better...it doesn’t go away, but it gets better.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very blessed New Year! There are many of you that will have your babies in your arms for the first time this Christmas...Joy to the World!! And there are others that will spend this Christmas with a big belly...Halleluiah!! I wish you all nothing but goodness and good cheer. I can’t wait to see more pictures with Santa and first Christmas pictures. Love to you all!

Sharing

I think I have mentioned this before but just in case anyone is wondering, I do not share well. What’s mine is pretty much mine and I don’t like to give it up...in any way shape or form. This does not include things like trying my dinner at a restaurant, sharing the covers or sharing a bottle of water with my husband. It’s more on a larger scale (or at least that is what I tell myself). Things like the candy in MY Easter basket is mine, right? Same goes with any present that I was given...it’s MINE. It sounds terrible and I’ve gotten better but I still don’t like to share. I hate it when someone sits at my desk on a day when I’m out; things like that.


When I was growing up I had a little brother that was 8 years younger than me. I think this is where my sharing issue comes from. I didn’t want him in my room because he would touch my stuff and it would end up broken or messed up or something. Not that I didn’t love my little brother or like to be around him, he was a toddler and he messed things up and I didn’t like it. My last post let you know how I love my things and how I like to take care of them and be careful with them. My little brother...not so much. I can almost always tell when something of mine has been moved; whether it’s on my desk at work or somewhere at home...If it’s not where I left it or where I think it should be, look out. I am going somewhere with this, thank you for your patience.

It’s so hard to share the Little Guy. I know I’ve been over this 100 times but sometimes the sharing really gets to me. He played in the Little League championship game last night (against his cousin) and they won! It was great. During the last few games of the season and through the playoffs (last night was game 3 of the playoffs) I have been sitting with another mom (the coach’s wife) and chatting and getting to know her better. I really like her. She’s my age, she’s a school nurse and she doesn’t take any crap from her kids or anyone else’s kids. She’s very into sports and that is enough for me to like her right there. We have been stressing together and cheering together and just basically being the CMS (Crazy Mom Section) at these last few games. Before sitting with her I would sit either by myself behind the backstop (I like to see if the pitches are really strikes :-) ) or with Other Woman (Little Guy’s mom). It’s been fine...until I started sitting with Jenny (Coach’s wife). She makes the games more fun because I have someone that is really paying attention with me and we are trying to calm each other’s nerves when one of our boys are either pitching or up to bat (she has 2 boys on the team).

At last night’s game, Other Woman sat with us. Not a big deal. The louder we all could be the better...the more exciting the game would be. We even had signs that another parent printed up. The LG hit a double off his cousin and subsequently got 2 RBI’s...I went nuts! He hasn’t had a great hit in quite a few games and he was due. The chatting and cheering continued and then the game was over. It was OW’s night to have the LG and the team was going to get ice cream afterward. BJ was starving and so was I as there is no time for dinner until after the game so I hadn’t eaten since lunch and it was almost 8:00. OW took LG to join the team. I was disappointed but it was fine. Until this morning.

I received an e-mail from OW asking for Jenny’s e-mail address. They got to talking at the ice cream place and meant to exchange addresses but forgot. I know this sounds petty and totally like Jr. High, but dammit, can’t I even have a “mom” friend without having to share her, too? I am not friends with any of the LG’s friends’ mothers and this was my chance, my IN...And now it’s time for OW to swoop in and take it from me. She knows a lot of the parents because she is able to go to the functions at the school during the day and she goes to his classroom for special events. She should, she’s his mother. Here was my chance...Jenny lives in our neighborhood so she’s just up the street...it was perfect. I could have a “mom” friend and we could get the boys together and hang out every now and then. Like I said, I know it’s petty and pathetic. I’m a grown up and I should stop acting so childish, but I can’t help it. I actually almost started crying when I read her request this morning. Can’t I just have anything that is just mine anymore? Do I have to share everything that deals with the LG? And now for the most childish statement out there...It’s just not fair.

I’m as petty as they get today and I just don’t care.