Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I wrote this yesterday but could not post it so it's a day behind and I didn't even proof read it so it might not be up to par so I apologize for that. :-)

I think I'm 7dpo. I might be 8, I'm not sure. My temp took it's good old time rising this time around and I had a strangely high temp well before ovulation so FF was a little confused. I'm trying to go on my opk's and what I felt. FF says I'm only 5dpo but I believe I'm at least 2 days ahead of that. Either way, I'm in the 2ww. And I would have to say that we timed things pretty ok. And that's saying a lot given our history of BD'ing when it's time. So I will start to analyze every little thing starting today, I'm sure. But as an infertile, I can't help it.

On Saturday, the Little Guy and I went to his cousin's soccer game and then the whole gang came over for lunch and stayed until almost dinner time. The boys stayed the night and the niece went home missing her brothers. It was fun to have everyone over. We grilled hamburgers and chicken breasts. I was at the store Friday and just happened to notice a marinade recipe on the back of the mustard bottle as I was looking for the expiration date. I told BJ we ought to try it. It was a huge success. All the kids liked it and we did too, of course. It's like a honey mustard without the honey. If you get a chance, check it out. It was mustard, brown sugar and ranch dressing. So yummy. Especially the part that BJ saved to the side for dipping or drizzling after the chicken was grilled. We found a winner.

The boys went home Sunday around noon and we just chilled out and watched some football. It was a lovely weekend. It really made me wish that I had another child in the house to give us some chaos. And so the Little Guy would always have a playmate. I so wish that I could have had a baby 2 or 3 years ago. It makes me sad that if I were to have one now, it and the Little Guy wouldn't really form that sibling bond that siblings closer in age form. There was 8 1/2 years between me and my brother and while I cherished him like no other, we didn't have the close sibling relationship that I wanted. It's hard when there is that much of an age difference. I can't even imagine an age difference more than 10 years. It seems to me that they would never be able to relate to each other. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I am and that I actually get to find out what kind of relationship they would have.

This gives me a better perspective of people suffering secondary infertility. I would think that most people want their kids to be relatively close in age. And when couples struggle to have another child and can't I'm sure it's very frustrating. I'm sure they watch one child grow and wonder if that child will ever be a big brother or sister. If they will ever have someone to share bunk beds with, fight over the remote with, race to the front seat of the car with...all those things that siblings do. I'm sure it's hard having loads of baby gear and clothes saved for the next baby and that next baby never shows up. It must be really sad. Yes, I think some people might tell those secondary infertiles to just be happy with what they have and at least they have one child. But at the same time, if you feel your life is missing a child and you can't fill that hole, it's a hole nonetheless. I don't know many couples that are adamant about wanting just one child so when the plan to fill a house or at least 2 bedrooms comes up empty, I'm sure they suffer just as much as we do. Yes, they have a child that they love and cherish but I'm sure they still feel incomplete and like they are doing that child a disservice when they are trying desperately to have another. In a way, that is exactly how I feel. I think the Little Guy would make a great big brother, but his big brother days are slipping away one by one and it makes me very sad.

This not the direction in which this post was supposed to go, but it is what it is and that is just how if flowed out of me. We all suffer in one way or another in this infertile land. I hope that we all find a way out of it so the suffering can stop.

And thank you to everyone that stopped by my blog this week! I love new comments and I have found a few new ones to follow. It's always great to meet new bloggers and make new connections. Especially other hockey fans...even if they are Chicago and Pittsburgh fans. :-) We are going to Caps Convention Saturday and we can't wait! I'm trying to get BJ to cave in on me spending $25 for a picture with my all time favorite, the reason I paid attention to hockey in the first place, player...Peter "Banzai"Bondra! I'll let you know how that turns out. :-)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Happiness Is...

- my 200th post! Wow, I have a lot to say. This is my 200th post and I couldn't be happier to have found the blogosphere. My readers (regular, lurkers, newbies and passers by) have made such a difference in my outlook on TTC and IF in general. Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and comment and just let me know that you are out there. I cherish all of you, really.

- pre-season hockey is back! We played our first pre-season game last night and came out on top. I am so excited for this season that I just can't help but smile when I think about it.

- planning to make a new folder in my reader. I have the Infertility folder, the PG after Infertility folder and have decided that I'm going to make a Baby after Infertility folder. I have several blogs that I read that have had babies in the past few months and I have not yet re-categorized them. I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with being left behind. Creating this new folder is a sign that some get to move on to mommy-hood and I'm still left here fighting. I'm elated for them and I love seeing pictures and reading stories. I can't wait for them to post so I can see how much their bundle has grown. I think the folder is just a way for me to let others move on. Does that make sense? So for that, I am happy.

- my Kindle. I know I have spoken of it here before, but I love it. It makes reading so easy and convenient and anything that does that, is ok in my book. I have read 8 or 10 books this year alone. I usually only read 3 or so books a year. I can shop by topic or author and it makes the process so much easier. One of the greatest gadgets of all time.

- a few more hot days before Fall really sets in. I like the weather a little cooler, but Fall just reminds me of the cold and snow and ice on the way. So I am enjoying these unusually warm days for the time being. I love walking outside at lunch and even though I broke a sweat yesterday, it was better than being cooped up inside because it's too cold to go out.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Hello to any new readers and those just stopping by to say "hi". You can learn a little about my journey on my side bar over there but here is a quick recap:

I'm 34 years old and I've never been pregnant. I started trying with my first husband when I was 24. No luck and lots of tests and tears and frustration later, and I'm still trying with my new husband. We've been married just over 3 years and threw out the bcp a little over 4 years ago. We've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. I have the elusive "unexplained infertility". My husband has a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship. I call him the Little Guy here. Although, he's not so little anymore. He's 4'8"! I'm only 5'2"...he'll be over my head before I know it. We have him at our house 50% of the time. Being a step-mom is tough and I have begun telling that story a little more here. It also, for me at least, is super tough when TTC a child.

I have bouts of depression. I work through them as best I can. My blog helps me with this in many ways. I try to stay positive and keep things light around here, but it doesn't always end up that way. Putting things down in writing helps me deal with the challenges that IF has brought into my life. I have really bad days and then I have some pretty good days. I try to point out (to myself, mainly) the good things that I have in my life and that usually translates into a "Happiness Is"....post. I haven't done one in a while and I need to get back to it. Work is crazy and I don't blog much (or at all) from home.

Right now I'm in the middle of a cycle. I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday or late Monday. Although, with the ovary pain I was feeling yesterday evening and last night, I think it's a fair guess to say that it happened yesterday. That, and I did the opk again yesterday mid morning and I was still surging. BJ (my husband's name here) and I did the deed Monday night...our best timing (that I can tell) in a while. Fingers crossed that I can get this Miracle Baby conceived!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday afternoon when a co-worker went into my boss's office. He said to her "I got the green light from my wife to spread the news...we are 4 1/2 months pregnant!" He then went on to say that they waited extra long to tell people because he's 40 and she's 37 and they wanted to make sure that everything was normal. It is and so now he's telling folks. Lovely. And as if that weren't bad enough, many of my readers will remember the Honeymoon Baby from a set of neighbors that were "pleasantly surprised" by their pregnancy. Then I was hit with the people right next door to us expecting a March baby. They hadn't been using any b/c for over a year and now they are pregnant with their 3rd child. Drum roll please....another set of neighbors is having a baby. A couple that we met at the Little Guy's baseball game is pregnant. She has a boy that is 7 and a girl that is just over a year. He has an older son, mid-teens or so. And now they will have a baby of their own. BJ came in last night from washing his truck and told me that Jack, the neighbor, stopped by and gave him the news. Jack said (and this is what BJ said the last time), "there must be something in the water in this neighborhood." And then BJ said to him, "well, TeeJay sure hopes so." So now he knows that we can't get pregnant. You know those signs people put on their windows so that firefighters know you have a cat or a dog that they will need to save in case of a fire? Well, I think I'm going to get one that says "An Infertile Lives Here" and maybe people will quit sharing all their happy news. I'm just bitter because it was 2 announcements in one day. I am happy for the people, just sad for me and BJ.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by. If you are new to the blogging world, I highly recommend it. I have found a great group of women that share in my happiness and my misery and it has helped me so much. Reading blogs really lets me know that I am not alone and that there really are people out there that understand. I hope you have blessed day!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Gone Too Long

I'm here and I'm ok. I'm just very busy these days. Work is out of control busy and I just crash in the evenings when I'm home. I'm reading blogs and commenting a little, but of course not as much as I'd like to. For that, I apologize.

Thank you all for your kind words on my last post. I hope that the Little Guy realizes how much I love him and how much I wish he were mine. We don't always see eye to eye, but we have a connection and it's pretty special in my eyes. I will be bummed again when I'm home watching the game on TV knowing that he chose to be with his mom, but I'll be ok. We are going to the convention in 2 weeks and I plan to make the best of that time with him.

BJ's birthday was Friday. We had planned on going to the mountains and riding our 4-wheelers for the weekend but the darn things needed some mechanical work so we were unable to go. That left us scrambling for something "family" oriented that we could do this weekend. We finally (and I mean Thursday night) decided to head to Virginia Beach. We have never been there before and the weather forecast was outstanding. We picked the Little Guy up from school and headed out Friday around 12:30. We didn't get to our hotel until 5:00pm! There was so much traffic it was unreal. We had no idea what we were in for. We went from 4 lanes down to 2 lanes to go through a tunnel. It was frustrating to say the least. Especially since we were only about 25 miles from our destination when we hit the traffic.

We picked a certain hotel because it had an indoor pool and a bedroom. Most of the pools close up after Labor Day and the Little Guy loves to swim. The bedroom was nice because I was sure I'd get my positive on my opk and this way we'd have some privacy. Our bedroom was nice but it didn't have a door. It had a huge mirror on the wall and BJ said it was a s.e..x mirror. Nice. We turned the a/c down when we left for dinner. We walked and ate dinner and headed back at 8:00 so we could sit in the hot tub while the Little Guy swam. Our room never cooled off. It was still 79 degrees in there with the unit running constantly. And to top off the evening, apparently, from 8:00 to 11:00 is adult swim only. As we headed back to our room to figure out what to do next, we heard our neighbors....we heard every word they spoke. And they weren't talking loudly at all. We had enough. BJ canceled our room for Saturday night and that put us on a mission to find another place to stay. This was turning out to be a great vacation. The air show was in town so it took us a while to find a room. I found a room at a place with a heated outdoor pool that I booked. We paid an additional $25 so we could have ocean front. It was so worth it. When we checked in we just sat outside and listened to the waves and left the door open and chilled. And since the air show was in town, we got a very close view of the Blue Angels as they prepped for their appearance. I love jets! They flew out over the water and made so much noise. At one point, we were running from the front door to the back door every time we heard a noise...it was fun. And it was so much better than the other hotel we stayed at. BJ and I sat outside until after 11:00 while the Little Guy settled in and went to sleep. It was chilly and I had bought a warm sweater earlier when we were walking so I put it on and then brought the bedspread out to cover my legs while we listened to and watched the ocean. It was so relaxing...exactly what it was meant to be.

Now, for the TTC stuff, since this is my TTC blog. Right before we left on Friday (and here is your TMI alert) I used the bathroom and there was a giant glob of ewcm. I had tested and was negative on my opk but I figured it was pretty useless since we were going to be in very close quarters all weekend. I tested negative on Saturday as well, but had some watery/creamy cm. And to my surprise, BJ decided Saturday night in the bathroom would be a good time to sneak in a quickie. There is about a foot height difference between us so it was interesting to say the least, but we got the job done. :-) I was having a hard time timing my testing and trying to make sure my urine was concentrated enough and all that jazz, so my testing might not have been completely accurate. I tested again Sunday afternoon and got a negative, but again, I think it had only been 2 hours since I'd gone so I don't know if it was a true negative. I tested yesterday at work twice and it was negative again but then on the way home I started to feel some distinct ovary pain. I tested when I got home and it was as close to positive as I had seen and thankfully BJ was up for some fun. I was still feeling some ovary twinges this morning so of course my hopes are now up. I am debating whether or not to test again to see what happens. Might not waste a strip.

Anyway, that is what I have been up to...working and getting away for the weekend. And upon my return to work I was informed that I will be working a half hour of overtime each day for the next 6 or so weeks. How fun does that sound? Oh well, it's temporary so I will just have to deal with it I guess.

And I just realized that today is the start of ICLW. I should really do a post for that but it has taken me 2 days just to write this one. That post will have to wait. Maybe I will fill it in by doing a Happiness Is post. We'll see. But I definitely have time to sneak in some blog reading, just not so much on the commenting. I really need a smart phone so I can do this on the bus ride to and from work. I've been contemplating getting either an iPhone or a Droid of some sort...need to do more research. Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to any new readers and any new blogs to follow!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Always a Bridesmaid, Never the Bride

The title of this post does not refer to my inability to get married. I am married. I'm actually on my 2nd marriage. The title of this post is what I am feeling today about step-parenting.

I have written before about how I find it hard to be a step-mother. In my experience, it's even harder to be a step-parent while TTC and suffering through IF. This may not be the case for everyone in this situation, but these are my feelings.

As many of my long time readers know, I love hockey. I have sucked the Little Guy and BJ into my world. Of course, they aren't as into it as I am, but I'm still working. I have a tradition of going to the home opener each year. I've only missed a couple in the past 16 years. The Little Guy and I have gone twice as BJ does not like crowds (he's a party pooper on that front, for sure) so now it's our little tradition. Tickets went on sale this morning at 10:00am. I checked with the Little Guy's mother because of course the game is on a Saturday night when she has him. She sent me an e-mail back telling me that I could take him but that they had just been invited to a local campground that weekend so I'd have to pick him up from there. I knew then that there was an issue.

I asked the Little Guy what he wanted to do, camping or the game. I did not want him to feel pressured in ANY way so I gave him time to think about it. He seemed torn. Well of course he is, he's only 9 and loves camping and loves going to hockey games. I called him at daycare this morning to get his answer. He said that since we are going to the Caps Convention (really cool event with the players and staff) that he'd like to go camping. He then said that he didn't want me to be sad. I almost lost it right there. I composed myself and told him that I was fine with his decision and that I was glad he picked what he really wanted to do and that I'd see him tonight. He seemed ok when we hung up. I wasn't. I cried right at my desk. I'm tearing up now as I type this.

He chose his mother, which he should do. And now I feel like chopped liver. It just stabs home the fact that I will never know what it's like to be first choice. I will always come in 2nd or 3rd and not know what it feels like to be #1 in a child's life. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't care. I had told BJ that whatever the Little Guy decided, I was going to the game, even if I had to scrounge to find someone to go with me. Yeah right. Without the Little Guy by my side it just wouldn't be the same. My heart is aching right now because as much as he likes going to games with me, he chose another option. And I don't blame him for that. It's hard to come from a broken home....I've lived in those shoes as a child and it sucks. So I will suck it up and make sure that he has no guilt over this because that is the last thing I want. But my heart is breaking. It's so hard to be so attached to a child that is not my own. And I know he loves me, but he's a child. He doesn't understand all this grown up drama that happens in my head and my heart. I don't want him to know because then he would have guilt. I know he would feel terrible if he knew I cried about this. He's a sensitive child that way. So I will keep my pain inside. I might try and talk to BJ about it tonight but I don't know if I'll be able to bring it up in a way that he will understand. It might be best if I just express myself here and not at home.

And to make things even worse, today is CD1. Yet another reminder that motherhood has not been obtained. This was a 30 day cycle. A cycle in which FF couldn't even pinpoint ovulation. That is a first. I pretty much know when it happened but I didn't override anything so my chart says I haven't ovulated yet. Nice. Hopefully this next cycle will be a little more understandable.

Friday, September 3, 2010


I want to avoid writing about cycles, temperatures, charts, cm and basically my Infertility as a whole today. I'm going to avoid typing out my emotions regarding IF. Today's post will be about my adventures in waxing. I know you can't wait to read all about it. I've been putting it off for a while now since I've been having so much emotional turmoil lately. So, I'm lightening the mood a bit with this post. Plus, if anyone is interested in different types of waxing, I might give them some help.

So I had my first waxing a while back and posted about it here. I was disappointed that I didn't get the girl that doesn't use the strips but it turned out well and I was pleased with the end result. So I went back. Unbeknownst to me, I was scheduled with another lady that uses the strips. I figured it would be no big deal, sort of like last time. I was WRONG. This lady was not gentle. She was not a smooth operator. I cannot tell you how glad I was that she was not my first experience. She was quick and efficient but didn't care too much about my pain. I didn't get the cool washcloth or the soothing gel. I just got a lot of red bumps and irritation. I was pretty tender for the rest of that day and the whole next day. Needless to say, I was not thrilled with that outing.

Fast forward 6 weeks...when I'm about 1-2 weeks overdue for another waxing. I made an appointment with the regular esthetician, Erin. She uses hard wax, no strips. She's young, very nice (and apparently very fertile as she recently came back from birthing her 3rd child) and very attentive to her clients. She explained the process as she was doing it and led me through everything. She prepped me with oil, slathered on the hard wax and let it harden a few seconds. Then she ripped it off! And may I just say, it stung, but was no where near the pain of my second wax and was also less painful than my first. The wax felt a bit hotter at times but that was a few seconds that I could deal with. I still had some redness, but it was minimal. And by Sunday morning, I was fine and not tender in the least. She has a limited work schedule but I will always try to get in with her from now on. I.love.her. She tried to talk me into getting the Brazilian, but I wouldn't budge. One of the main reasons is that the hair has to be at least a 1/4 inch long and that will not fly in my house. :-) The bikini lines are one thing but the rest needs shaved up on a much more regular basis. She also gave me the soothing gel so by the time I dressed and left I could hardly tell that I had just been waxed. I also did not have hardly any stickiness left behind like I did with the strips. Overall, she gets an A+.

So there you have it...strips versus hard wax. Hard wax wins in my book every time.