Ok, so my funk from last week has carried over to this week. I can't quite put my finger on it exactly, but as I try to figure out what it is I can only come up with a few ideas:
1. The time change. I hate the time change. I get up when it's dark, drive in the dark in the morning and drive in the dark in the evening. It's too cold to spend much time outside at lunch. I know it's in the upper 50's and low 60's most days, but I'm a sissy to the cold. I HATE the cold.
2. The leaves aren't so pretty anymore. Yes, I love to watch them turn all shades of red, yellow and orange. But when they start to all look the same shade of brown and are falling faster than my progesterone levels, it sucks to look outside.
3. We are more and more disgusted with our rental. I know I really shouldn't complain because I have a wonderful house in the works, but what the hell, I feel like complaining. The walls in the living room are wood panel. The ceiling is painted brown. The overhead light is pathetic. When the sun goes down and we close the front curtain...it's like a coffin in there. We have 2 lamps and the light on and we can't even read a magazine because the lighting is so bad. It's cold. You can't flush the toilet if someone is in the shower for fear of scalding them. This seems a petty complaint, but it's something that has been grading at me/us for a few weeks now...since the time change mainly (please see #1 above).
4. I feel like I'll never have a baby to call my own. Doesn't need much explanation after that, does it? I have tried to be hopeful and positive but I'm not stupid and I live in reality (most of the time) so I know the odds. I feel like I messed up somewhere along the way. As if God holds me to a higher standard than anyone else (crazy, I know) and won't accept my thousands upon thousands of apologies for all my known and unknown sins. I feel like I'm being punished for not being a good enough Christian. I know it doesn't work that way, but it becomes an overwhelming sensation when I start to wallow in all my past wrong-doings.
5. What if our house is not all that we dreamed it would be? This is a really dumb thing to stress about and feel like crap about, but I can't shake it. We have put so much expectation on this house as if moving here will solve all of life's problems. We will still be us...just under a new roof. There will still be tons of laundry to do, dishes, bills (oh man the bills), chores, projects etc. I hope we aren't expecting too much only to be let down. I'm tired of being let down.
I feel like crying over everything and anything right now. BJ and I had a nice weekend together. I got my hair done (months overdue by the way), we did some grocery shopping, some household item shopping, we found a new JoAnn's on our travels and he offered to go in with me and even helped me look for some scrapping paper and stickers (and even let me buy some without any comments), we went out Friday night after running into someone we knew from our old neighborhood, we listened to a great band....it was nice and fun and non-stressful. So why do I feel like this? I think it's the depression creeping back in. It seems to want to rear it's ugly head more and more lately. Plus, my period is supposed to start Thursday so my emotions are a bit wacky right now. I can pretty much tell by my mood that it's coming. This is one of those "sad" pms events instead of the usual "angry, quick tempered" ones. I think I'd rather be snippy with everyone than feel like this. I'm going to try really hard to pick my mood up because I can't be sitting here looking and feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing. My co-workers and boss wouldn't know what to do and I don't want to frighten anyone.
I promise to post things a little more upbeat next time, and maybe a little more relevant to TTC. BJ is going by the house with my camera as we are expecting some pretty big changes inside and out so I'm hoping to post some pictures in the near future. For now, I'm going to say good-bye and I sincerely hope that everyone has a great day.