30 Week Update

Wow!  I can’t believe that I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I’m in the third trimester and things have just flown by.  I’ll start by giving a quick pregnancy update and then I have some other things I want to get in to.

I’ve had 2 OB appointments since I was told that I was measuring almost 2 weeks behind.  You will be happy to know that at the first appointment since that visit baby girl (and my uterus) went through a growth spurt.  At that appointment (and my appointment this week) I was measuring exactly where I should be!  Yay!  I will say that I was getting a little worried because not only was I measuring small but people kept telling me how little my belly was.  I actually still have people surprised at how far along I am when I tell them but I’ve also had people comment on how much my belly has grown and how big it is.  So I’m not worried anymore because I know everything is fine and I’ll just take the “small” comments as compliments.

I’ve gained 20 pounds so far.  Yikes!  That’s a lot on my small frame.  I’m wide and didn’t think I could get any wider but low and behold it has happened.  My hips, feet and back feel every single pound, too.  I passed my 1 hour glucose test and my blood pressure is good.  Everything is going along very smoothly.  I hope it keeps going that way.

I am now on an every 2 week appointment schedule until I hit 36 weeks.  I talked a little to my OB about what will happen if I go into labor early.  She said that if it’s before 36 weeks and they can’t stop contractions I will be transferred to a more capable hospital.  If it’s after 36 weeks I will just deliver at our hospital.  I still need to talk to her about when and if she’ll pull me out of work early.  I’m starting to have some anxiety about birth and labor and where I’ll be when it all starts and the thought of being 40 miles (usually about an hour travel time) from my hospital is not helping to calm my nerves.  It’s bad enough that if labor starts (or my water breaks) during the day BJ will be out on the road somewhere and I’ll be worried about him driving like a bat out of hell to get to me.  The less I have to worry about the better off I’ll be.  Not to mention the better off baby girl will be if I’m not stressing.

Now for the not so fun stuff.  I’m scared.   I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my fears at bay but at times there is no holding back.  We’re so close to having this baby girl in our arms and I can’t help but sometimes fear the worst.  I pretty much stay away from message boards because every once in a while a post will pop up about a late term loss or a stillbirth and I just can’t go there.  I can’t understand why those things happen and then of course I fear for myself and my baby.  I find it so hard to believe that I’m pregnant after all these years that I fear something horrible is going to happen to end it all.  When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee she often kicks me and squirms when I get back in bed.  I smile to myself and am relieved that she’s still there and alive.  It’s the same story when I wake up in the morning.  I need to feel her move to know that it’s real and that there is a live baby in there.   But I know that just because she’s moving and growing now that things could still go very wrong.  I’m trying to not think about it and I’m trying to just focus on all the good things…there are so many good things.  However, the fear is still there and it comes in big, engulfing waves sometimes.  I talk to her all the time and tell her things like how she doesn’t need to come early and no matter how uncomfortable I might be and how much moaning I may do when I can’t get comfortable at night that I am so happy that she’s in there and doing well.  I tell her how much her daddy loves her and how he can’t wait to hold her.  Although, he does a pretty good job of telling her those things, too.  He’s so cute…he gently lays his head on my belly (not all of his weight) and he talks to her and asks her to kick him and tells her that he loves her and can’t wait to see her.  My heart melts on a nightly basis.  Before I get out of bed in the morning, when I get home from work and when I lay down in bed at night he always reaches out and rubs my belly and gives it a tiny squeeze.  These moments are cherished but also bring on fear.  What if something happens to this precious little girl that we both love so much?  How would we survive?  I know we would but what kind of people would a loss like that morph us into?  I shudder at the thought.  This is why I try not to think about it.  I have a nursery that is 95% complete with clothes hanging in the closet and a dresser with 2 full drawers full of more clothes and a crib that is begging for a baby to be placed in it.  When I’m in there and I’m looking at her clothes I get very happy and anxious and sometimes scared out of my mind.  I had a rough road to get to this point and I guess I just can’t let go of all the years of heartache and disappointment.  I didn’t just get pregnant naturally or by surprise…I fought for years and kept hope alive even when I, myself, thought I had let it die.  I had to turn to one of the most controversial methods of conception out there in order to get pregnant.  And now here we are, 10 weeks from our due date.  It’s so surreal that we have come this far.  I have no reason to believe anything bad will happen…except that I know that bad can happen and I’ve been on the receiving end of some bad shit in my life…I want this to be the exception…I want to bring a living, healthy baby girl into this world and hold her and kiss her and smell her and cherish her for the rest of my life.  I think that is what any mother wants.  I hope and pray every day that God lets that happen for me.  This little girl is the light of our lives and she hasn’t even been born yet…and yet I can’t imagine my life without her now.  I hate that I feel sad sometimes and that I worry and that I’m scared.  I don’t want to feel those things at all.  I want to keep all the happy and hopeful feelings in the forefront and just concentrate on all the excitement surrounding the pregnancy.  Like I said, for the most part I am doing that.  I love being pregnant and I love feeling her move and wiggle and kick.  I have my complaints, don’t get me wrong.  All in all the good far outweighs anything I could complain about.  I’ll save my woes of pregnancy for another day (not that I have many).  What I gather from other Infertile Pregnant Blogs is that I think my fears are pretty normal…at least I hope they are.  And it’s not like I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.  I’m enjoying every bit of being pregnant and prepping for baby.  I love rubbing my stomach when no one’s looking.  I’m so vain that I can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror.  I love that people are finally noticing that yes, I’m pregnant.  It’s been such a great experience and I’m going to miss it once I give birth.  I just hope that we get our happy story and that she arrives safe and sound and ready to be smothered with love.

This and That

I know, you deserve a much better post/update than this and now that the election is over I might actually have time to sit down and write something worth reading.  For now, I want to touch on a few things non-pregnancy related that I have neglected to write about over the last few months.

The Little Guy’s mother has a new boyfriend.  I knew something was up when she asked to switch a day with us (a Thursday when it was our weekend to have him) and then didn’t call him all weekend.  That is very unlike her…so I had a feeling something was going on but I didn’t say anything to anyone.  BJ got a text from her about 2 weeks later that she was seeing someone and that a meeting between the LG and him would not happen for a while.  Well, it only took about another week or so before she introduced them.  The LG seems to like him and they do fun things like camping, amusement parks and stuff like that.  The only problem is that she likes to hang out at his place a lot, even when she has the LG with her.  I don’t blame her as he has his own house and she lives in her dad’s basement (which is very tiny) so who wouldn’t want to hang out somewhere else?  However, the LG doesn’t really have anything to do while they are there.  So, many of his weekends are pretty boring.  Not to mention, the boyfriend lives in another county which is about a 30 to 35 minute drive away.  Everyone seems happy so it’s good for now.

The LG started middle school this year.  Wow, I remember when he started Kindergarten.  He’s growing up so fast.  We are having a hard time adjusting to say the least.  He is in honors classes so he’s at a faster pace and higher level this year.  His math is kicking my butt…not to mention HIS butt.  I get home, help finish making dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner and then sit down to go over his homework.  I easily spend another 45 minutes to an hour helping him with his math.  I haven’t seen this math since I was in school and that was a LONG time ago.  He doesn’t take good notes and can’t remember what his teacher instructs him to do so I’m left surfing the internet or trying to figure out how to use his text book to help finish his worksheets.  It’s a nightmare.  And then comes his lack of memory for turning in this homework that we spend so much time on.  He forgets everything…and I’m not kidding.  He totally played me the other week because I told him that if he did not turn in one more assignment (especially after we spent so much time on it) he would be grounded for 3 days.  We can look online at his grades and his work was missing so I told him that was it, he was grounded.  He promised me he turned it in and that he looked everywhere for it and that the teacher must have lost it.  He cried and cried and didn’t understand why I didn’t believe him.  I felt like an ass because I really wanted to believe him.  I let him off the hook.  I looked in one of his other folders several days later and wouldn’t you know that I found the missing homework?  Ugh.  I told him that no matter how many tears he cried I would not believe him if another assignment came up missing.  So he was grounded for a full weekend day…no electronics.  He was so bored, poor thing.  Needless to say, things aren’t going great with middle school.  I’m hoping that he will adjust to the added responsibility a little better as time goes on.  Once Baby Girl gets here our lives will be that much more chaotic.

We weathered the hurricane just fine. We were so prepared to lose power…we had coolers, extra ice, a generator, propane for our grill, batteries for our flashlights, food that was power-failure appropriate, water in our bathtub…everything.  Of course we only lost power for 2 minutes.  I’ve never been so prepared for a storm.  I almost wished that we had lost power for a few hours.  Not really.  We have lost power and not been prepared and it sucked, big time.  I feel so badly for the NJ/NY areas that were hit so hard.  It’s unbelievable what a storm like that can do.  I can’t imagine losing everything like that.   It makes me cherish the fact that we came through unscathed.

We took a mini-vacation to an indoor waterpark last month.  It was fun to get away but of course I did not ride any of the rides.  I stuck my feet in the hot tub for a few minutes while BJ was enjoying the bubbles but I got hot pretty quickly so I just sat there and kept him company.  The LG rode all sorts of waterslides and we all swam in the big pool together.  I indulged in a pre-natal massage and it was heavenly.  BJ scoffed at the price (I even had a coupon!) but I told him that since I could not ride the rides that the massage was MY vacation and I didn’t care how much it cost.  It was only my 2^nd professional massage and I so wish I could get one once a week…it was blissful.  We ate some good food and played games at the arcade and just had a nice time.  We couldn’t go on a real vacation this summer because I couldn’t tolerate the heat so this was the next best thing.  I’ve also been saving my leave to carryover to next year and combine with my maternity leave so getting away felt really good since I feel like we have been trapped in our county since January.  There were so many babies and pregnant ladies there it was unreal.  I was so happy to be one of them for once, let me tell you.  Even BJ commented to me that I didn’t have to look at them with daggers anymore.  He was right.  But I did wonder if anyone was looking at me with daggers.

Oh yeah…another quick story.  On Open House night at school we were in the LG’s reading class and the teacher pointed out that she had the kids write the obligatory “what I did over the Summer” essay and she posted them in the back of the room.  While she was talking (and I should have been listening) I was searching for the LG’s essay.  I finally found it.  I read it and I beamed with pride.  The only 2 things he wrote about were places that I took him – the waterpark for his b-day in June and bowling with a friend.  How cool is that?  His mom took him to the beach once but he didn’t mention that.  She didn’t take him nearly as much as she used to…due to the new boyfriend, and I guess he took notice of that.  I showed the essay to BJ and told him how cool it was that the LG wrote about the things we did.  Since we didn’t take a real vacation he didn’t have much to pick from but writing about our time instead of the beach trip meant a lot to me.  I love that kid…bad memory and all.

I will do a better update later and I have some posts brewing that I need to get on paper so be prepared for a flurry of action around here over the next week or so…there’s lots to share.

First (and hopefully last until January) Visit to Labor and Delivery

Baby’s fine and I’m fine but I had a scary couple of hours last Friday night.  Before I get to that I want to thank you all for your advice and for putting  my fears about measuring behind to rest.  I always tell people to not worry until they have something to worry about and I need to follow my own advice.  I’m not going to fret (too much) about it until my next appointment where hopefully things will have evened out some.  And thanks for the advice on the bottles and other items.  It’s still so strange to be discussing these things with all of you.  But I’m very grateful that I’m at this point.  I put some bottles and a pump on my registry and we’ll see how it goes.  If baby girl doesn’t like them then we’ll try another brand.  I thought it would be wise to start with just the essentials…a few small and a few larger bottles just to see how it goes.

On to Friday night:

Actually, it started Thursday.  BJ, the Little Guy and I went to an outdoor event Thursday night that involved a lot of walking.  It was very leisurely walking for the most part but there were a couple of times that we walked pretty fast.  I started getting some cramps so I slowed down and then we took a break and sat for about 30 minutes.  All in all I had been on my feet for over 3 hours.  The cramps I experienced were quite different from my usual RLP (round ligament pain) that I’ve been having the entire pregnancy.  These were sharp and really low (like down by my pubic bone) and they extended into my lady parts.  They went away and I didn’t give them much more thought as I just chalked it up to overdoing it.  Friday at work I started to get them again.  The pains were really sharp, like stop me in my tracks sharp, and they continued to extend to my nether regions.  I was sitting for about 3 hours working on a project so I know it wasn’t happening because I was walking too much.  But again, they came and went with no real pattern.  Then I had them on the bus on the way home.  Then I had them at dinner.  Then I had them while relaxing on the couch after dinner.  BJ was a little worried and thought maybe I should call the answering service.  I debated on that because as always, I don’t want to be the crazy infertile pregnant lady that has to go to the doctor for every little pain.  But then I started wondering if the cramps were caused by my cervix dilating and then real worry started to set in.  I called the answering service and the on call doctor (not mine) called me back almost immediately.  I described the pain and was asked a bunch of questions about my activity, if I was coughing, if the pains were at regular intervals etc.  After talking with him he thought it would be best to go to L&D and just make sure things were fine.  To say that I had an out of body experience at that moment is an understatement.  I told BJ that he didn’t have to come (it was 10:00pm, after all) but of course he insisted.  I was foolish to even suggest I go alone but like I said, I was not thinking clearly and was feeling like it was a bad dream at this point.  All the thoughts that were in my head were all bad and on the short drive to the hospital I felt like I was floating along completely out of control.  I just wanted her to be ok.  I kept apologizing to BJ about his truck getting dirty (it was raining and he had just washed it) and just staring out the window not sure what to do with myself.

He dropped me off at the entrance to the ER because that is the first step.  I was worried that we’d be there all night because the ER for our hospital is always crowded and always very slow.  I was wrong.  After checking in at the front desk (and trying to explain to the lady that we did IVF and that I had no idea when my LMP was but that we had retrieval on 5/3 and my due date is 1/24 and I’m 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant…she still did the math wrong and messed up the LMP date) we were sent straight to L&D.  We were a bit lost but found our way and were buzzed in and I handed my papers over and was shown straight into a birthing room and given a warm gown to put on.  I changed and explained to the nurse what was happening and why I was worried.  She was so nice and understanding and put us right at ease.  I had to give a urine and blood sample and was hooked up to the fetal monitor and the contraction monitor.  Baby girl’s heart rate worried me because it started out in the 130’s and then went up to her usual 140’s.  The nurse looked at the print out and said that it was perfectly normal for that to happen and that by judging from the heart rate and her movements (which were constant) that I was carrying a beautiful baby and that baby girl is very happy.  That warmed my heart.  I had the pain again and made note of the time so that I could tell the nurse upon her return.  Then I had to pee again.  BJ got up and went searching to find someone to make sure it was ok that I unhooked everything.  He was standing by the baby warmer and picked up the little hat and showed it to me. He was smitten.  He asked if that is where they put the baby after I have it and I told him yes.  I said that you just stay in the same room to deliver and then the baby gets checked out over there in the warmer and then we pretty much stay in that room.  He was confused by that because he has never experience that before.  The Little Guy was a scheduled C-section so he had no idea.  He thought it was pretty cool.  The fetal monitor picked up everything baby girl was doing.  We had a good time listening to her move and then BJ could hear her big kicks, of which there were many.  At one point the nurse saw my belly jump when she kicked.  Listening to her and feeling her move around was definitely comforting to us.

Anyway, when the nurse returned she checked the print out and at the time I had the pain I did not have a contraction.  Yay!  And then my blood and urine came back all normal (they never did check my cervix) and I was free to go.  We were in and out in just over an hour.  I felt so relieved that we went and that we had a good experience and that everything appears to be fine.  I told the nurse that I didn’t want to see her again until January and she said the same thing.

It was very scary but it turned out well and that is what I’m going to focus on.  I had a good experience with the staff and was comfortable and was not made to feel like I was overreacting.  What could have been a very bad night ended on the great high of knowing that as of right now, our baby girl is doing just fine and everything is as it should be.

Nesting, Registering, Melting, Worrying

Instead of a bullet point post, I’m going to do 4 mini-posts in one.  I know you are excited!

Nesting

The nesting has begun.  We cleaned out the “scrapping” room to make way for the baby furniture we bought.  I still have to clear out half of the closet but we are well on our way to having a real nursery.  We even installed some shelves in the closet.  The lady at work that had her baby girl 7 weeks early gave me a box full of clothes that her little one has outgrown.  I can’t believe that I have baby clothes in my house.  We brought the crib and dresser home and set them up in her room.  I fought tears a couple of times because I was just so overcome with joy and love and disbelief that this is happening for us.  BJ didn’t see the tears.  He went down to the neighbor’s house for a little while and I took that time to hang out in baby girl’s room and have a talk with her and God.  Of course the flood gates opened up at that point.  We had put her bedding in her crib to get an idea of if we liked it (we love it) and to see what color(s) we want to pull from the bedding in order to paint.  I kept looking at the empty crib in awe.  There’s finally going to be a baby in our house (hopefully) and it’s so emotionally overwhelming that sometimes I just cry.  I pulled myself together and by the time BJ got home I was fresh faced again.  He doesn’t like it when I get over emotional like that so I try to keep it all to myself until I’m alone.  It makes him uncomfortable and he knows there’s nothing he can do to prevent the tears so I try to protect him from feeling like he can’t protect me…confusing, yes, but it works.  We also started clearing out the basement.  We have a huge load of stuff to take to the thrift store this weekend.  Once we do that he will have room to work down there whenever he feels like working.  It will be nice to get started on the basement finally.  I really need my scrapping space back.  :-)

Registering
We started a baby registry when we picked up the crib and dresser.  We picked out the bigger ticket items that we’d both need to agree on and then added some smaller things here and there.  It was so fun to watch BJ with the scanner…he walked passed a teddy bear and scanned it and looked at me with a sly smile on his face and said, “she needs a big bear”.  There are some things that I still need to research to make sure we didn’t pick something that got bad reviews.  There are many, many small things that still need to be added.  BJ said that he was fine with whatever I picked as far as bottles and breast pump and stuff like that go.  I don’t blame him for opting out of another big visit to the store.  It’s so overwhelming to have to choose what we want.  So here’s my question…I plan on nursing but know that I still need bottles.  What kind of bottles did you moms out there love or hate?  I want to make sure that baby girl isn’t getting too much air and that she’s getting a bottle that is as close to the breast as possible.  Also, are there things that you really couldn’t live without in the first several months?  What did you get that you had no use for?  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Melting

So you all heard about BJ feeling baby girl for the first time and now you get to hear about the Little Guy’s first experience.  We ordered pizza from Dom.ino’s on Sunday because we were so worn out from working in the basement we didn’t feel like cooking.  Anyway, I had 2 and half slices of pizza and the boys had pizza and wings and then we all crashed on the couch.  The LG always sits between us while we watch TV.  Baby girl started kicking and wiggling away in there.  I thought I’d take a chance and told the LG to give me his hand.  I lifted my shirt and gently placed his hand on my stomach.  I told him to be very still and concentrate.  Sure enough she kicked!  I asked him if he felt it and he said he did.  AWESOME!  Then she did it again.  Then BJ wanted a turn.  His hand is so much bigger and he knows what he’s expecting and he could feel her rolling around.  Then the LG wanted to try again.  He felt a very small kick and then couldn’t feel any more.  She was moving around a lot so she either liked the pizza or didn’t like the pizza.  Then the LG said to me, “it seems like she’s never going to get here.”  Awwwww…so sweet.  I assured him that she will be here before he knows it.

Worrying

I had my regular OB check up yesterday.  Now is the time she’ll start measuring me from the outside and I was very excited about that.  She showed me where my uterus was and how to feel  for it myself.  I thought that was very cool since I had been unable to detect it up until that point.  Baby girl’s heart beat was between 147 and 152 bpm, which was perfect.  When she measured me, however, I’m only measuring 21cm, which is basically 21 weeks.  I was 22 week and 5 days yesterday.  She said that at this stage it’s nothing to worry about as long as I’m within 2 week either way.  I scheduled my glucose test, my flu shot and my pertussis shot and was out the door.  Then the worry set in.  I did a little googling and decided that I wasn’t going to stress about it.  But of course that is easier said than done.  We had our anatomy scan less than 3 weeks ago and she measured exactly with her due date.  How is it possible that now I’m almost a full 2 weeks behind?  Then I started to worry about the amniotic fluid.  I know baby girl is fine, I feel her kicking and dancing and cartwheeling in there all the time…but what about the uterus?  Is it too small for her?  Will I go into pre-term labor and lose her?  Oh my gosh I’m tearing up just thinking about that.  Then the cashier in our cafeteria was amazed at how small I am for 5 months.  I almost started crying right there as she was giving me my change.  BJ has been trying to reassure me that everything is fine.  He even looked up pictures of 5 month pregnant women on his phone while at work to see how I compare with them.  He told me we have nothing to worry about right now.  We’ll see what happens at the next appointment before we start to worry about anything.  Yeah, easy for him to say.  So I will just have to pull out my mantra of “baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine” to get me through the next 4 weeks.  As I’m typing my baby girl is doing flips and spins to let me know she’s ok.  It’s not her I’m worried about right now.  It’s the uterus in which she calls home.  Anyone else have this experience that can set my mind at ease, at least a little?

Sweet, Sweet Moment

BJ has been trying to feel baby girl kicking for over 2 weeks now.   I had my laptop on my lap the other day and she kicked really hard and I jumped up and moved over to his side of the couch and grabbed his hand to put it on my belly.  Well of course I freaked him out because he didn’t know what was happening until it was too late.  Wouldn’t you know she didn’t kick that hard again?  BJ said I scared her when I jumped up, which I probably did.  There have been quite a few times that she’s kicked but he just can’t feel it.  He has pretty tough hands and I think that has been part of the issue.  He barely feels it when the cat bites him while a bite that hard would almost draw blood from my hands.

Last night we were on the couch and I told him to come over to my side because she was kicking.  He laid his hand across my belly and we waited.  I told him to put some pressure with his fingertips because it’s easier to feel when you are also pushing from the outside.  She kicked and I said, “Did you feel that??” He said, “I felt something!”  And he looked at me and his eyes were all aglow.  Then she kicked again and he felt it again.  We were both laughing at this point.  She seemed to settle down after that so the show was over unfortunately.  Then he leaned over and kissed my belly and said “that’s a good girl, kicking so daddy can feel you.”  My heart melted.  I was so happy he was finally able to feel her move.  I know that as she grows it will get easier and easier (heck, we’ll SEE my belly move eventually) but it was so nice for him to get to feel these early kicks.  I should also mention that his tone of voice when talking to baby girl was the same tone he uses when he talks to our cats…so cute to hear him use that affectionate voice.

Of course, then he says “I hope we didn’t hurt her by pressing on her.”  What a way to make me worry.  Especially since she hasn’t given me any big kicks since then.  I’ve felt her rolling a little bit but she is definitely not as active as she has been lately.  He’s got me thinking we hurt her in some way.  I searched online and it appears that we did not do anything that anyone else hasn’t done and everything is ok with them so I’ll have to assume that she’s fine in there.  Baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.

No big plans for the weekend but I’m taking Monday off to spend with the husband as it’s his 40^th birthday.  We might go out to dinner with his sister Saturday night to celebrate.  We have the LG this weekend so we need to figure out something to do.  Our little town does not offer much.  I’m just looking forward to sleeping in and hanging out with my boys…while my little girl tags along oblivious to it all.  Hope you all have a great weekend!

A Little Clarification

Thank you all for the congrats and the well wishes on our PINK news.  We really are excited about this.  I just wanted to drop a quick line of clarification on my husband’s comment of “if it’s a girl, I’m sending it back.”  I don’t want my husband’s remark to brand him as an ass or to offend anyone.  It was completely in jest and our neighbors have known us for almost 3 years and they are familiar with his sense of humor and his “joking” tone, something that doesn’t convey in print, obviously.  I think most of you got it but it seems that he may have offended some and I definitely don’t want that to be the case so here’s the story behind that comment.

 

I didn’t type out the whole conversation in which that statement came from and maybe I should have.  We were talking to our neighbors (as they had just found out about the pregnancy) and they were asking all the usual questions about how I’m feeling, what the Little Guy thinks, what do we want, had we discussed names…all that stuff.  When we were talking about these things the subject of how girls and boys are different came up.  When we talked about how as girls grow up they get interested in boys and then boys will be coming around wanting to date our potential daughter.  BJ is a very protective man toward the important women in his life so this part of the conversation scared him a little.  The thought of having to keep boys “away” from his little girl was not something he was looking forward to.  So he said, “I can’t have that…I don’t want any boy near my daughter so why don’t we just tell the baby that if It’s a girl I’m sending it back?”  He meant no offense to anyone and we all got a pretty good laugh about it because we know how protective he’ll be of his daughter.

 

It didn’t take long for us to start calling her Baby Girl after our u/s last week.   It also did not take long for him to get over his “aw shucks” moment that he experienced when it was announced he’s having a girl.  Deep down we both knew it would be a girl.  Less than 48 hours after we found out he was telling me that she’s going to be a Daddy’s girl.  Well, duh.   I knew that right away but it was nice to have it come from him.  As we were walking through the baby store (after we bought her crib!!) we were oohing and ahhing over the girl clothes and he agreed that girls have great clothes and he even started picking things out that he’d like for her to wear.  We didn’t buy anything but it was fun nonetheless.

 

Above all, my husband wants a healthy child.  Don’t we all?  And before anyone starts in on what he will be like if she’s not healthy…it’s not about that.  His first born was diagnosed with a major heart defect 2 days after he was born.  No one knows how it was missed at the anatomy scan but it was.  This diagnosis stressed him and the LG’s mother out of their minds.  They never knew if he would stop breathing or if his heart would stop beating.  He had to have open heart surgery at 6 weeks and then again when he was 4.  Along with a few other more minor procedures along the way.  It’s been a scary ride.  What should have been the happiest time of their lives with their new baby boy went down a very dark and terrifying road right from the beginning.  He’s scared of that happening again.  So when I say that he just wants a healthy child what I’m saying is that he just wants to be able to enjoy her without the stress of a health problem.  Like I said, don’t we all?  He knows all too well what it’s like to have an unhealthy baby and he just wants to be spared that pain this time around.  I hope that for us both.  We will love and adore and spoil any child that we have.

Halfway, Enough Already, Anatomy Scan

Is it just me or is this pregnancy flying by?  I am already halfway (over halfway, really) to my due date.  Today marks 20w6d.  It’s amazing to me.  It seems like only last week I was coming out of my bathroom on my birthday holding a (very) positive pee stick and saying “good morning, daddy” to my husband.  I am relishing every single day of this pregnancy.  Even now, as the evening heartburn is getting worse, I’m just so happy to be carrying this child.  Every movement (and there are LOTS now!) and every kick (there have been some doozies) just makes me smile and makes my heart swell with love.  I never knew just how happy being pregnant would make me.  It’s one of those things that you build up in your mind and sometimes it just doesn’t live up to the hype.  Not this.  This has far surpassed all the hype I have built up over the years.  I know that there are complications that could still arise but for the time being everything is better than I ever imagined.  I could not have asked for a more picture perfect pregnancy so far.  Even the queasies, the migraines, the heartburn, the fatigue and the new tendonitis/carpal tunnel have not put a damper on this experience for me.  I know of so many women that have had terrible pregnancies with complication after complication and I feared that it would be like for me (like I said, I’m only halfway so anything can still happen).  I feared that since this was going to be my only pregnancy and getting here was such a fight that I would have to suffer through 9 months of hell.  So far (fingers crossed) it has been just the opposite.  I’m more than thankful and grateful for this opportunity and I hope the good fortune keeps up.

Now for the griping:

Ever since my husband made the funny comment of “if it’s a girl I’m going to send it back” to our neighbors, they have done nothing but pick on him about it.  Every time they see us it’s “oh, how’s the baby girl doing?”  And “when do you find out that it’s a girl?”  And “see what you have to look forward to when your baby girl is born”.  They are not nice about it.  Their tone and their facial expressions are very snide and sarcastic.  The way they say these things makes it seem like having a girl is the end of the world for my husband.   It’s like they can’t wait to see my husband disappointed with his child before it’s even born.  And the kicker is…they have 2 girls!  It’s not my fault that your 18 month old girl cries and fusses and won’t let you eat at a restaurant without screaming her head off.  It’s not my fault that you told my husband weeks ago that if you knew she would act that way you wouldn’t have had her.  Yes, my husband wants a boy.  HE’S a boy and he already has a boy so he knows what to do with a boy.  He’s not into pink and dresses and dolls.  However, my husband’s first concern is that we have a healthy child and that our dream comes true to parent a child together.  The day before our anatomy scan they were on their porch and we had been outside.  They called over to us with a “so what time tomorrow do you find out it’s a girl?”  We tell them and we walk over to talk to them.  The husband said something else to my husband and I about lost it.  BJ started talking to the wife and I looked dead at the husband and said, (in a not nice voice with a not nice look on my face) “you know, he’s still going to love it if it’s a girl.”  And he smiled strangely and said, “I know.”  And then I continued with “and he’s NOT going to be disappointed if it’s a girl.”  And he said, “he’s not?”  I said, “no” and I looked away.  I couldn’t look at him in the face anymore for fear of punching him in it.  Just then another neighbor was driving by and she stopped briefly to talk to me so I was able to remove myself from the volatile situation that was brewing.  I like these people and I think they are good people but for the love of God, stop trying to diminish my child’s life.  Later BJ told me that the husband told him that he made me mad.  BJ told him that I was tired of getting such a hard time about the possibility of it being a girl (and to set the record straight, it’s not about it being a girl it’s about THEM hounding us about how awful it would be to have a girl).  Then BJ told me that I needed to chill because they were just kidding around.  I said, “I will not chill about this.  Having a girl is not bad.  They are making me feel like you will be disappointed in your child and no mother EVER wants to feel like the father of her baby is upset because of the gender which is completely out of our control.”  He sort of understood where I was coming from when I explained it that way.  I probably am over reacting but in their kidding of my husband they were making me feel like crap.  I was almost in tears a couple of times because of things they said that were negative about girls.  Maybe it was done just to get a rise out of BJ but it really hurt MY feeling to hear it all.  Anyway, have any of you mamas out there ever encountered something like that?

Now for the fun stuff:

Our anatomy scan was Friday morning.  We drove up separately because we each had to work afterward.  I was nervous, of course.  Mainly for the health of our baby.  I had felt it move here and there so I knew it was alive but that’s all I knew at this point.  I hopped up on the table and the wand was on my stomach and in no time we heard the beating heart.  It was 149bpm which concerned me because a week ago it had been 157.  The tech said it was fine.  There on the screen was a HUGE (compared to 12 weeks) baby’s head.  I fell in love all over again.  Measurements were taken and everything looked good.  We got a really good picture of the feet side by side and some good profile pictures, too.  And then it was switched over to 4D and oh my gosh…the baby was beautiful.  The hands were by its face and it looked like it was posing for the picture.  The tech had a hard time getting the arm and hand measurements because the baby wouldn’t move its hands away from its face.  Then we saw the baby holding its own hand…I melted again.  Then came the gender reveal.  Now let me say this; I’ve always thought it was going to be a girl.  Anyone that has ventured a guess has guessed a girl.  I’ve told BJ numerous times that he better be prepared to hear that it’s a girl.  When the money shot came up on the screen I didn’t even need the tech to tell me because I saw the 3 white lines myself.  We are having a baby girl.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  The tech handed us the pictures and went to get the doctor.  I started crying as I looked at the pictures.  I said to BJ, “I hope I’m a better mom to my girl than my mom was to her girls.”  And he said, “Uh, you are not dancing on a pole, doing drugs and getting involved with men that treat you like crap.”  And I said (through happy tears), “I meant emotionally”.  And he said, “you are way better off emotionally than you mother.”  I couldn’t stop crying.  I am going to write a whole post on my thoughts about having a girl but for right now I just have to say how excited I am.  The doctor came in and took a look and in those few short minutes baby girl decided to show us that she wants to be a gymnast.  Up on the screen was a picture of her legs bent all the way forward until her toes were tickling her forehead!  We all busted out laughing.  The doctor was trying to coax her into putting her toes in her mouth.  It was hysterical.  My baby girl is quite the character already.  As we looked at the 4D picture again I told BJ that she has his mouth.  He doesn’t see it but he did say that the way she was posing means that she’s already prissy.  We laughed about that, too.  It was a great appointment that ended with me feeling very emotionally overwhelmed but extremely happy and grateful.  She’s healthy (as far as anyone can tell) and she’s measuring exactly with our due date and she’s funny and she’s the light of my life.  Now if we could only find a name for her.

Never Safe

I had a whole different post to put up today but changed my mind.

I have 2 pregnancy apps on my phone and both of them have message boards.  I’ve never posted anything but in the beginning of my pregnancy I was visiting those boards about twice a day.  I wanted to read about other people’s symptoms and was really just excited to be able to visit a due date board.  Every once in a while a woman would post about having a miscarriage.  It was tough to read but I did it anyway…just to keep myself grounded and not let myself get too cocky.  I felt horrible for these women and then hoped that it would not happen to me.   After a while I stopped going to the boards.  I felt more comfortable with what I was feeling (physically) and started reading What to Expect.  As much as the book freaks me out it helps me, too.  I visit the boards maybe once a week or so.

I clicked over there yesterday and read a heartbreaking post about a woman (on the January board so within 4 weeks or so of my due date) that went in for her regular check-up and her son did not have a heartbeat.  I was on the bus when reading this and had to fight the tears from coming.  It was a wake-up call for sure.  I know all that can go wrong; I read enough tragic internet stories not to be naïve.  However, reading that post was like a slap in the face.  We are never safe.  There’s no magic that happens at 13 weeks that prevents horrible losses.  A loss can happen any time and without warning.  There’s a blog I read in which a woman went her whole pregnancy with no issues (suffered IF for 10 years and then did IVF) and had to be induced as she was passed her due date.  She had a very tough labor and then upon delivery she had a placental rupture and her dear son did not survive but a few hours after birth.  It’s gut wrenching to read her writing but it’s also very grounding.  We are never safe.

I was bold enough to buy something for the baby this past weekend.  I was at the store and felt this overwhelming urge to do something for my baby…to acknowledge that a baby will be joining our household in January.  I walked the aisles of the store looking for something gender neutral and was feeling disappointed that everything was either pink or blue or just not appropriate.  BJ came across a Redskins bib set and said that I should buy it.  I looked at it and thought it was perfect.  I held it and touched it ever so lightly and decided to buy it.  As we were standing in line I asked BJ if he thought it was too early to buy something and he said that we’ll be buying things in 3 weeks after the anatomy scan anyway so why not start now?  He also said that if it made me too nervous to put it back.  I put the bibs up on the belt and as the cashier scanned them I fought back tears.  They were tears of happiness and trepidation and relief all mixed together.  That night, BJ asked me if I wanted to listen to the baby.  Well duh.  It took him way too long to find the heartbeat but he did at last.  I was about to panic when he finally was able to zero in on the baby.  Both of us were confused as to why it was so hard to find when we had gotten so good at it.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief and I think BJ did, too.  I thought for sure that I had jinxed us by buying the bibs.  I know that’s not how it works but sometimes it’s hard to shake those feelings.  The bibs are sitting on the arm of the loveseat and my heart fills with joy every time I look over at them.  I touch them lightly as I walk by, too.  BJ wanted to hear the heart again on Monday.  I think he was a little shaken by our Saturday night experience and just wanted to check on things.  He said, “I’m going to find him right away this time…he’s not going to hide from me again.”  And wouldn’t you know as soon as the Doppler was placed on my belly we heard the heartbeat.  We were both relieved to say the least.

I thought that I felt a few flutters Friday night and Saturday evening (before the HB detection fiasco) but I haven’t felt anything since then.  I really wish the baby would start kicking with some regularity so that I could stop worrying so much.  I’m 18 weeks today and I’ve read that now is the time when most first timers start feeling those kicks.  After Saturday, I’m a little weary of the Doppler, which is ironic because we rented for peace of mind, not extra anxiety.

I know I have a long way to go and that I’m nowhere near safe from tragedy.  I just have to remind myself that worrying won’t stop anything bad from happening.  Nor will it make something bad more bearable.  I just have to keep hoping and praying that I won’t be one of the tragic stories.  I have to keep praying and hoping that our story will continue to flourish in positive ways.  I need to keep enjoying this pregnancy like I have been because it’s going by so fast for me.  I love this little baby and even though he/she is not here yet, he/she is already a part of our family.  BJ talks to it a couple of times a night and rubs my belly and it’s the best feeling in the world.  Now if we could just coax a few kicks out of our little one that would be icing on the cake.

Like Wildfire...

After our great appointment on Tuesday, I went against my better judgment and decided that it was ok for us to start telling people.  BJ said he was going to put it on FB after he privately told a few people.  That meant that I had to tell my neighbor/friend that I think is infertile before he splashed it all over the internet.  She was getting ready to leave for Aruba and I didn’t want her to see it there first because I do consider her to be a friend.  I started sending her texts about her trip…when was she leaving?  Was she packed?  She was in the process of getting her toes done so she was out in public.  I felt terrible about breaking the news like that.  It had to be done because my husband is the most impatient person I’ve ever met.  I broke the news as gently as I could.  I’ve always thought she was either infertile or that her husband refused to have kids.  She plays it off that she has never had a desire to have them but is completely in love with her nephew.  She takes oodles of pictures of him and brags about him and goes to see him and has made multiple scrapbooks of him.  I’ve never come out and asked her about it because I hate it when people do that to me so I have just always let it be.  She responded to the text with pure enthusiasm.  She said she had tears of happiness for us and that I am her 3^rd friend that is now pregnant.  She asked some questions about how I’m feeling and when I’m due and all that good stuff.  She then asked if it was a surprise.  I told her that it was not a surprise because we had to do IVF but that we are probably keeping that to ourselves (BJ’s request).  I then steered the conversation back to her trip and told her how excited I was for her and that we have lots of catching up to do when she gets back.  I didn’t want to take away from her fun, you know?

After that, BJ and I started sending private FB messages and text messages to people that we felt deserved to find out before he plastered it all over FB.  We went to dinner and our phones kept going off with alerts of congratulations and all the appropriate responses.  Of course, some of his friends were picking on him because of his age but he took it in stride.  At dinner, I decided to get a crab cake sandwich.  I love crab cakes and the picture looked so good.  When it was delivered to our table it had the strongest seafood odor I think I’ve ever smelled.  I had to sit there a minute and try to get used to it.  Then I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and take a deep breath.  When I got back to the table I took one tiny piece of the crab off the sandwich and ate it.  Big mistake.  I couldn’t eat anymore.  I thought I was going to get sick.  It’s a good thing I was able to eat the majority of the BBQ wings I ordered before the crab cake came out.  What a waste of money and food.  Oh well…it’s for a good cause, right?

After we got home from dinner our neighbors came over and we all sat outside on the porch talking about everything baby.  It was so strange to be so open about being pregnant and talking about daycare and my maternity leave and if we’ve thought of names yet.  It was like a foreign language to me.  It was one thing to talk about all that within the privacy of my own home but to be so candid about it out in the open was, well, strange.  It felt really good, really, really good.  At almost 9:00 that night BJ posted on FB that he was having a baby and that his wife is 11 weeks pregnant (2 more days until 11 weeks but close enough, I guess).  And the comments and the “likes” came rolling in.  I told him not to tag me because I don’t want my work knowing yet.  Talk about a bombshell.  I’m not sure I was ready for that but what’s done is done.  I will not be making a FB announcement.

Wednesday morning came and it was time to call my parents.  I had already sent my mother a text and she responded so all that was left was my dad and step-mom.  I had butterflies in my belly making the call.  They are the only ones that know that we did DE and so I was a little worried about how they might react.  We did some small talk about the weather and then I asked if my step-mom was with him and asked him to put me on speaker phone.  I told them that BJ and I are having a baby in January.  They were very happy and pleased and excited and all the things they should have been.  My step-mom got a little emotional which in turn caused me to get a little emotional.  I heard something in the background and asked them where they were.  They were at the local home improvement store!  How funny is that?  I’m on speaker phone talking about my pregnancy and anyone walking by can hear me.  I thought it was pretty funny.  My step-mom said she would be writing me a letter because she was too emotional to talk at that time.

I felt the weight lift off of me after that phone call.  And then I felt some dread.  What if we have to tell all these people bad news?  Everyone is so happy right now and it’s all sunshine and roses and pixie dust.  I can’t imagine spreading sad news at this point.  I don’t want to let myself imagine it.  I’m not living in a dream world, either; I just don’t want to think about the negative.  So for now, it’s all positive thoughts.  And to help keep my sanity between appointments I have ordered a rental Doppler.  It should be here Thursday.  I haven’t told BJ yet.  Although when I showed it to him online he said he was surprised that I hadn’t ordered it yet…I wouldn’t want to disappoint him.

So the cat is out of the bag and I’m still feeling very pregnant so that is a good sign.  Another good sign?  I survived a visit to the big baby store without one panic attack.  I’ll write more about that another time.  Just know that going to the store does not spell the end for baby.

6dp5dt - I Got Nuthin'

I was so slammed at work today that I didn't get the chance to post.  Although, as far as the cycle goes, I don't have much to report.  That makes me a little (a LOT) sad.  I know it's early yet, so I'm not giving up the hope.  I'm just settling into that place where I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't work.  You all know the place I'm talking about.  The closer it gets to test day, the more fear and dread and negative thoughts start to set in.  I'm trying to keep them at bay, really I am.  It's just really hard.  I haven't had one food aversion, not one second of nausea, not much of anything.  I've had some cramps and that's a good sign, I guess.  I haven't had a period in 79 days so I'm sure with all the estrogen and progesterone I'm pumping into my body my lining is about to burst at the seams.  That would account for the cramping I'm experiencing.  The cramps feel pretty much like period cramps.  My boobs are still sore but they haven't gotten any worse.  If anything, they have mellowed out a little.  I don't take that as a good sign.  I'm tired but it seems like no more than usual.  Ok, maybe a tad more than usual but again...the progesterone.  *sigh*
We have a really big meeting coming up on Thursday that I will spend most of tomorrow and Wednesday prepping for.  I was going to test Wednesday morning but have since thought better of it.  If it's negative I won't be able to focus on the tasks at hand.  I can't test Thursday morning, the morning of the meeting for the same reason.  Friday is my birthday and I'm so scared of seeing a stark white window that I might actually be able to wait until Saturday morning.  There will be no question of accuracy at that point.  I'm sort of going crazy wanting to know, though.  I have to have my head in the game for this meeting prep, though.  I was given more of the prepping responsibilities so I'm going to be scrutinized all the more.  Although I feel a bit distracted NOT knowing.  I'm a mess.

My weekend was great.  The Little Guy had his baseball game on Saturday.  They were losing and decided to put him in to pitch.  It was his first time this year and it's been almost a year since he last pitched.  He struck out one kid with beautiful pitches.  He tagged a runner out at home!  And then he struck out one of the other teams best hitters!  He got all 3 outs of the last inning himself!  Proud is not even the word.  And all of this while dealing with a cold.  Poor kid.

Sunday was spent outside lounging in a lawn chair while BJ washed and cleaned the inside of my truck.  He's so good to me.  And now my truck is clean and smells good and I have the beginnings of a nice tan.  We went to lunch at 5 Guys and I was able to have a caffeine free fountain cola.  Oh how I have missed my fountain colas.  I LOVE fountain colas but no one has caffeine free...except the 5 Guys by our house.  Yummy!

I'll keep you all in the loop if I break down and decide to test early.  Thank you so much for your support and your well wishes.  It really means a lot to me that you are out there.  I know I say it a lot, but it's really true.

Fertilization Report and Other Musings

• All 9 eggs were fertilized with ICSI. I received an e-mail this morning that ALL 9 are growing! That’s great news. The best news, actually. I responded with an e-mail of my own asking that a phone call be used to update me tomorrow because their e-mails keep going to my spam folder (even though I listed them as “safe”) and I don’t have access to spam on my phone. We will be out and about tomorrow so I don’t want to miss anything. I also asked if the transfer date would be decided tomorrow. She said that if we are having a 3 day transfer that they will give me a time tomorrow, but she suspects we’ll have a 5 day transfer. Another bit of great news. Here’s to hoping that we have at least 4 survive to day 5. I know the stats so I think 5 good blasts could be a reality. Although, these are not the donors only eggs so I guess time will tell.


• My husband sent me a text earlier that went something like this: I got a bbq sandwich for lunch and dropped some on my white shirt. Just to give you an idea, this man spills food on himself all the time. I can’t tell you how many shirts have had to be treated with a stain remover before going into the washing machine. So I responded with: Of course. We need to get you some bibs. You and the baby can get matching ones. And he came back with: Yeah, we can compete to see who is messier, me or the baby. It was strange but really good to talk about “the baby”. Even in this context. A baby...really? Us? Fingers crossed.

• I went and got a pedicure today. Two things of note happened while I was there. The lady, whom I’ve been going to for a few years, now said to me, “did I ever tell you that you have really pretty feet? You could be a foot model.” I’ve gotten compliments on my feet before from pedicurists so I have an enlarged ego about my feet as it is. :-) She went on to tell me that she looks at the feet of models in magazines and catalogs and thinks I have nicer feet than a lot of them. I smiled and thanked her. And then I did something totally horrible. I wondered to myself what our donor’s feet look like. I have my dad’s big toe but the rest of my foot (besides the size) is from my mom... exactly like her feet. We’ve always thought it was pretty cool to have the same feet. If I have a girl, there’s no chance those feet get passed on. It was a fleeting thought but it’s one of those things that take you by surprise. I felt like an ass for even thinking such a thing. And no, it doesn’t matter what my daughter’s feet might look like...it’s just something I thought and lamented a little bit. This whole donor egg thing is an ongoing process. I’m sure that is not the last time I will have a thought like that. I’m also pretty sure that once that baby is in my arms none of this petty stuff will matter. It doesn’t really matter right now but the thoughts come and go. If anyone reading this feels like an ass for lamenting a genetic loss to your child, you are not alone. I think it’s pretty normal to wonder about these things. It’s almost healthy, dare I say? I mean, how many of us wonder what traits of ours and what traits of our husbands our child(ren) will get? I wonder if the donor would take a picture of her feet and send it to my nurse. Just kidding.

• I’m getting pretty cocky in believing we will get a baby out of this, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. I know that DE is not a magic ticket to motherhood. I’ve read enough message boards to know that, unfortunately. However, I’m trying to stay positive and keep my mind and body at ease through this process. The way I see it is that we paid for 6 cycles and all resulting frozen cycles so of course it will happen on the first try, right? Plus, I have 9 embryos growing right now. How can one not be positive and a little cocky at that prospect? Especially someone that could never manage more than 3 embryos.

• I plan on drinking alcohol this weekend. I told BJ that the other night and he comes back with, “I’m gonna get fuuuuuucked up!” I clarified that I was the one doing the drinking this weekend and HE would be the driver. And he said, “hell no...we’ll both get smashed.” And I said, “Who will drive us home?” And then he turns around, sticks his thumb out and sways from side to side...”someone will pick us up.” He cracks me up. I think I’ll keep him.

• My PIO shot last night was interesting. I didn’t hit a blood vessel which was nice but I leaked oil. It seemed like a lot of oil but I can only assume this is normal and that not that much really ran out. At least I hope that’s the case. Any PIO vets out there that can assure me that I’m ok if some leaks out....please?  Also, I now have 2 sore butt cheeks.  I hope that they continue to be sore for the next 7 to 9 weeks.  Or however long someone normally stays on PIO to support a pregnancy.

• No big plans for the weekend unless we have to unexpectedly have embryos transferred on Sunday. I hope that’s not the case. The weather is supposed to be wonderful and we have the LG’s baseball game tomorrow and some yard work that needs done. I also have a very important hockey game to watch.  Oh and of course the drinking I plan on doing. I told BJ we should get some 2x4’s for the basement so we can get started on it this fall or winter. I will need to get my scrapping stuff out of the spare bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. See? I’m really getting ahead of myself. I hope I’m not jinxing anything...I just hope and pray that one of those 9 little embies becomes my take home baby.

I hope you all have a great weekend and I will be updating on Monday with transfer plans! Unless I’m thrown a major curveball and have to go in on Sunday. ACK! Let’s hope not. Let’s hope that the next time you hear from me I’m telling you what time my beautiful blast will be transferred into my uterus for the next 9 months!

Nature or Nurture?

It’s the age old question...does nature determine who we are or are we nurtured into a certain mold?


I don’t know why there has to be debate about it. The answer is obvious...it’s both. I am a perfect example of both nature and nurture playing a role in who I am as a person.

I was raised by my dad and step-mom. I rarely saw my mother as I was growing up. My dad had me play sports to help “keep me out of trouble”. I learned to love baseball and volleyball from an early age. My dad was a pitcher and so he thought I would make a good pitcher, too. As it turns out, I was a pretty decent pitcher. I preferred to wear jeans and t-shirts for the most part growing up. I liked to wear baseball hats and hang out with the guys. I didn’t meld well with other girls. There were times that I wore a dress here and there but if I wanted to dress it up a little I’d wear a skirt with tennis shoes.  When I became a ‘tween and a teenager I of course began doing my hair and wearing make-up. However, I was still a major tomboy. My step-mother was not happy about all of this. She really wanted me to wear dresses and be more girly and help more in the kitchen and with cleaning and stuff like that. I was very resistant to all of those things. I wanted to play video games or watch Monday Night Football.

Now that I’m an adult I see all the ways I’m like my dad. It’s true that we turn into our parents. I’m much more patient with the LG than my dad was with us kids. But for the most part, I am my father’s daughter. We are both stubborn and unrelenting. We don’t know how to give up. We are reserved and in control. We have a very strong work ethic. We believe that honesty is the best policy and we think that being lied to is one of the worst offenses one can commit against us.

On the flip side of that, there are so many ways that I am like my mother. She was more of a tomboy growing up than I was. I have low self-esteem, which is just like her. I have a jealous bone the size of Texas, also just like her. I have a way of holding in my anger and being passive aggressive instead of creating a true conflict that will clear the air. I like to walk with very heavy feet when I’m aggravated (also seen as stomping to most people). I tend to shut down emotionally in tragic situations and just sort of float through them. Once by myself, I let those emotions all out and cry until I can’t cry anymore. I love football and that is a love that my mom and I share. We both love Disney movies and can watch them over and over. We both love the music of the 60’s. We both love to dance and cut loose on the dance floor and act silly around our friends.

My siblings were raised by my mother and let me tell you....we are extremely different. We don’t really have much in common when it comes to core values and ethics. I disagree with a lot of what goes on in their lives but I know that it’s because they were raised very differently from me. It’s hard for me to connect to them now that we are grown because we are so different even though we have the same mother. The things that I seem to have in common with my mother are not really shared between my siblings and me. It’s strange, really.

What I’m getting at is that I know that my child (please, oh please let this work) will have parts of his/her personality that are genetically linked to the donor but I also know that I will have a really big influence on who the child becomes just by raising him/her. I’ve seen how the home environment can shape who a person becomes. This is evidenced by my siblings and me. I’ve seen how genetics can play a role as evidenced by all the ways I’m like my mother. This baby (please, oh please let there be a baby!) will no doubt have traits from the donor but I’m fine with that. I’m fine with that because this will be my child and hopefully I can teach him/her how to love football and hockey and baseball and how lying is bad and honesty and trust are good. I’m going to teach him/her right from wrong and how to be kind to people and how to help people in need and always think of others before him/herself. I’m going to tell him/her how important a good work ethic is to really make him/herself stand out in a crowd and how working hard for what you want is so rewarding.

I really believe that BJ and I will produce a wonderful human, even if the egg is not my own. He produced a really good kid with his ex, right? I’m so ready for this...

Two side notes...I’m going crazy waiting for my coordinator to call me and tell me where the other ladies are in their cycles. She said she’d get back to me by the end of the week but how long does it take to make 3 phone calls? I know, I know...I’m not her only patient. Other side note...BJ was watching a commercial on TV last night and I’m not sure what it was a commercial for but it showed those little decals on the back of vehicles that depict the family within the vehicle...you know the ones...the ones we IF’s would like to scrape off because we feel like they are bragging about their abundance of fertility. Anyway, BJ said that he was going to get one if we have a baby. I told him that it had to include the cats and he said that he’d make sure to have 2 cats, the baby, the LG and us. I know how much I hate those decals but I must admit that the thought of being able to have one is quite appealing. Maybe if I put a little asterisk by the baby that says something like *I suffered for over 10 years to be able to put this on my car...please don’t hate me! What do you think? It’s still bragging, isn’t it?