Thursday, May 31, 2012

Emergency Ultrasound

First, baby is fine.  And yes there IS a baby in MY uterus...with a HEARTBEAT!  Let me tell you the story.

I was having some cramping this morning when I woke up.  Nothing too bad and I have the cramps on and off so I wasn't too worried.  As I was riding to work on the bus, they became pretty intense.  They felt like very strong menstrual cramps.  These were the worst I've felt through this whole process.  I had to breath deeply through a few of them, actually.  When I stood up to get off the bus and took a couple of steps, I felt wet between my legs.  I knew immediately that it was blood.  I have had a few episodes of CM since becoming pregnant, but this was a LOT of wet and I just knew it was the beginning of the end.  I walked to my building as fast as I could, all the while feeling more and more wet.  I barely kept it together until I got to the bathroom.  Sure enough, my undies were soaked with blood.  Not brown, but red.  It was a stain just bigger than a silver dollar.  I started crying.  I peed and wiped and there was more red on the toilet paper.  I sent BJ a text telling him that I thought I was losing the baby and about the blood and that I was calling the nurse.

My nurse was very calming and called the office where I'm seen asking if I could come in today.  She came back on the line and told me that they would see me as soon as I got there.  She also said that it's normal and that everything was probably ok.  I know that cramping and spotting are normal in early pregnancy.  However, this was not spotting...this was bleeding.  And when cramps and bleeding are's not usually a good outcome.

I told the second in command that I was having a medical issue (through tears so I'm sure she knows what's up) and that I had to leave.  I called a service for commuters that ride the bus to arrange to get back to my vehicle.  I had to take the metro and then wait for a cab and the cab took me to my truck.  And wouldn't you know that just as I'm about to get on the metro train I get my 6 week update message from my babycenter app.  Just what I needed to send me to tears again.  I put a panty liner on before leaving work so I could track if there was any new bleeding.

BJ and I were in constant communication and he was telling me how much this sucked.  And then he did the only thing he knows how and reminded me that this would not be the end...we have frosties and 5 more fresh cycles to get through.  He said that he hoped I didn't have to go through this 5 more times.  Me too, buddy.  Of course, I was praying (begging) the whole time for everything to be ok.

I arrived at the clinic and waited less than 10 minutes to be seen.  Of course. on my way in I passed 2 pregnant women and one woman with a newborn.  Cue more tears from the hysterical Infertile.  Dr. M. came in and asked me what was going on.  I explained and then laid down on the table.  In went the wand as I stared at the ceiling.  He told me to look at the screen and then said "congratulations!".  I was terrified to look at the screen for fear of seeing nothing.  The tears were streaming down my face and I turned my head.  He pointed to the little bean and then said, "do you see that?  That is a heartbeat!"  I said, "are you sure it's flickering?  I can't see it through my tears."  He zoomed in and sure enough, there it was...a beautiful little flashing light.  He looked all around at everything and could not find the source of the bleeding.  He thinks it's just one of those things in early pregnancy that likes to scare us.  He gave me a hug and told me congratulations again.  They printed out a picture that I get to show BJ when he gets home.  We still go in tomorrow for our appointment where they will measure everything and give me the bpm on the heart rate.

I'm so relieved.  I sent BJ a text right after the tech left the room because he was very upset that he couldn't be there with me.  I called him after I left and he told me that he looked up my symptoms on his phone and pretty much agreed with Dr. M.  :-)  Sometimes there's no real reason for the bleeding and everything is fine.  I hope things continue to be fine.  Dr. M. looked at everything, including my cervix, and said everything looks great.  I hope he's right.  I was sent home to chill today and that is exactly what I'm going to do now.  I'm wiped out.  I spent an hour and 30 minutes on the bus, then took the metro, then a cab brought me all the way back to my truck and then I drove another 70 miles (or so) round's time for a nap.  Oh, and aside from a little brown spotting, I haven't seen any more blood.  Fingers crossed that was the end of it.

I'm hoping to share more good news tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Weekend Recap and More Worries

I had such a nice weekend. We had the Little Guy with us this weekend until Monday morning. We went to dinner Friday night where I cashed in my free birthday coupon at Ruby’s. On Saturday I did my usual cleaning in the morning and then we went to BJ’s nephew’s birthday party. It was hard not to say anything to BJ’s sister but since we hadn’t really discussed it beforehand, neither of us said anything. We were there for about 5 hours and I was wiped out by the time we got home.

On Sunday we did some yard work and BJ washed my truck. Later, we went to get some crabs to steam up at home…yummy! And as I was eating my 3rd crab I was fear stricken. Am I allowed to eat crabs? Do they have mercury? Right over to the computer I went. I found out that I can “enjoy” (their word) up to 2 6oz servings a week. Whew! Seafood is actually good for you during pregnancy as long as you don’t eat the wrong kind. I finished eating and went out to the porch while they boys were still picking away. I almost fell asleep out there which would have been a little embarrassing had anyone come over. As we were cleaning up I carried one of the chairs upstairs and BJ yelled up to me to stop carrying things. I said the chair was light and it was ok. I like that he’s so cautious about this. He went to the neighbor’s house and I ended up falling asleep on the couch for just over an hour!

Monday, the Little Guy’s mother picked him up at 10:00 and BJ and I headed down to where we used to live by the water to walk the boardwalk and get some soft-serve ice cream. On our way, we decided to stop and look at a mini-van. It was really nice, but I don’t see us being able to get one. BJ will just have to get a cap for his truck and we’ll have to make due for the next couple of years or so. The van had some great features, though. I know why they are so popular after checking one out.

There were many references to the “baby” over the weekend. Always when the LG was not within ear shot, though. We said things like “This time next year, we’ll have an infant sitting on the porch with us.” And then he said things like “You’ll really be showing when we go to the fair this year. You’ll either want to eat everything in sight or you’ll be sickened by all the smells of the mixture of foods.” And then when I commented on how tired I was I was greeted with this sentence “That’s because you’re pregnant….I like saying that.” I like hearing him say it. I’m still trying to get used to it being said about me. My heart knows it’s true but my mind is still adjusting. I’ve been trying to get to this point for about 11 years and now that it’s finally here…wow.

When I called to make my u/s appointment I felt like I was going to throw up. Not from pregnancy sickness but from saying the words out loud – I need to make my 6 week ultrasound appointment – those types of things bring on the anxiety. It’s like I’m afraid to admit it out loud. I’m afraid of jinxing something. I know that it doesn’t work that way but it’s still a fear I have. I even called my thyroid doctor to get my TSH levels checked because I’m pregnant. I had to cancel my yearly pap appointment and explain that I’m pregnant and still being seen by the clinic. Just typing all of this out has made my stomach want to purge. I want this so badly and the thought of not having a heartbeat Friday is scaring the crap out of me. I’m constantly pushing and poking and grabbing my breasts to see how sore they are. I keep hoping for a little queasiness just so I know things are still going ok in there. I’m scared to look at the toilet paper each time I use the bathroom. Believe it or not, I’m trying really hard to focus on the good things. I had VERY strong betas. I’m still tired like crazy. I’m still getting cramps on and off each day. My breasts are still very tender. Although, I don’t think they’ve grown at all. I think maybe I’ve been tainted by all the bad stories I read online. I’m not sailing through this blissfully ignorant to all that can go wrong. I wish I were so blind. I was bold enough to download the baby center app to my phone. It took me 2 or 3 days to log in, though. I don’t like the fear. I don’t like the anxiety. It doesn’t do any good. There’s nothing I can do (or not do) at this point to keep things on track. I have to try and have faith that there is still life in me and that it’s growing and thriving as it should be. It’s not like I’m sitting around thinking only negative thoughts. I’m so excited to be pregnant. I’ve never been this pregnant before and it takes my breath away to think about all the possibilities. I am exceptionally happy right now. I’m also very scared that all of this will be taken away from me.

Our appointment is at 8:00am on Friday. BJ will be with me. He wants to tell the LG Friday night as long as everything goes good. I don’t know that I’m ready for that but he doesn’t want to keep it from his son any longer. I have to admit that we had to catch ourselves a few times this weekend with him around. We don’t want to slip up and have him find out accidentally. That would be bad. So, as long as we get a good report I guess we’ll be telling the LG Friday night that he’s going to be a big brother in January. Fingers crossed. Please, please, please let this come to fruition.

Friday, May 25, 2012

17dp5dt - Beta #3

I'm so sorry this is coming so late.  They let us out of work early today and I hadn't heard from my nurse when I left.  I ended up getting an e-mail from her as I was driving home.  I had to stop and get thyroid blood work and then had to go to the store and then went home and tried to nap and then the Little Guy came home and we left for dinner and then we sat out on the porch for a while...blah, blah, blah is all you are hearing probably, right?  :-)  Let's get to the good stuff:

Beta #3 came in at 3830!  A doubling time of 42.2 hours!  I was advised to make my very first (gulp) ultrasound appointment for June 1st!  They are going to look inside MY uterus and (hopefully) see a teeny-tiny little being.  They are not looking for follicles or lining thickness...they are looking for MY uterus.  Wow...let that sink in for a minute.  I am over the moon happy about this.  I still can't believe it's happening to me, though.

I'm not feeling anything new.  Still tired, still have sore breasts.  I am convinced that this baby has farmer blood running through its veins.  In the last week and a half, I have only slept past 5:00am once.  I wake up and can't go back to sleep.  Well, on the weekend I was able to force myself to go back to sleep after an hour or so but not during the week.  I'm not complaining, just making an observation.

We have the LG with us this weekend.  It's going to be hard not to say anything in front of him but we want to keep it a secret for at least 3 to 5 more weeks if we can.  We also have a birthday party for BJ's nephew tomorrow at his sister's house.  Another tough situation.  I want to tell them but I know that I shouldn't just yet.  I have a very big milestone coming up next Friday that I'd like to get through first.

I showed BJ a picture on the Internet of what the baby looks like at 5 weeks.  He said, "we have a worm".  Men.  I told him it's as big as a sesame seed.  He thought it'd be bigger by now.  He actually asked me last night when I thought I'd start to show.  I told him that it'd be a while yet, especially since I already have a pouch.  :-)

I'm sorry this is all over the place but my mind is going a million miles a minute processing all of this.  Plus, I'm so damn tired I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open and it's only 8:30.  I'm so ready for bed.  BJ said the baby is sucking all of my energy.  That is for sure.

I hope you all have a great weekend and for those of you that have a 3 day weekend...enjoy the time off and I hope you are doing something great!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

15dp5dt - Beta Results

I started feeling complete dread last night because my breasts were not as sore and I didn’t feel as tired as I thought I should be. And as for any other symptoms, well let’s just say NADA. I was nervous driving up to the clinic this morning. So many thoughts racing through my head. With such a big number for the first beta the 2nd wouldn’t be nearly as good, right? I almost started crying driving up the road as I was asking God to please let me keep this baby. I was a mess.

I’ve been on pins and needles all day. I was watching the clock like no one’s business. I know my nurse’s pattern so I figured I’d get a call between 1:00 and 2:00. Nevertheless, I was carrying the phone with me everywhere since about noon. BJ called me at 1:15 because he was heading to the gym and wanted to check in. No call yet. I decided that I’d go to our gym at work at 1:30 and just have to get the call while on the treadmill. As much as I didn’t want to be in that situation in case it was bad news I couldn’t just sit here and keep watching the clock. I’d go insane for sure.

As I was walking, I couldn’t concentrate on the music from my iPhone. I was forgetting words to songs and I noticed my shoulders slumping more and more. I was a mess and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror…boy did I look depressed.

I came back upstairs to heat up my lunch and convinced myself that she hadn’t called yet because it was bad news. I was sinking so low at this point. Then I had a thought…maybe she e-mailed me with bad news instead of having to tell me and hear me cry over the phone. So I checked my e-mail from my phone after I popped my lunch in the microwave. This is what I received:

Hi TeeJay,

Your level looks great @ 1741. Please continue your current medications and repeat the test on Friday.

Did you see that? 1741! That is a doubling time of 42.17 hours! Color me shocked. Color me happy. Referring to an old Family Ties episode…color me Shappy! I sent BJ a text right away telling him that I’m still very pregnant and that things are looking really good right now. He called me a few minutes later and was just as happy, I could tell by the tone of his voice.

I read through each and every one of your comments last night and today and I kept hoping that you all were right and that things would be ok and as of right now they are. I have to test again on Friday and so begins another day of waiting for a phone call or e-mail and praying and hoping that everything is ok in there. For now though, I’m really happy and pleased with our little overachiever.  I have waited so long to be one of the people posting beta after feels good.  It's very scary, but it feels really good.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

14dp5dt - The Fear is Upon Me

I have no new symptoms to report so it’s sort of hard to wrap my head around the fact that I’m pregnant. I still find it weird to type those words. I’m still very sleepy. I still have sore breasts. I still don’t have much of an appetite although I’m not queasy or anything. I’m still waking up before 5:00am unable to get back to sleep. I’m not cramping as much but at this point I will take that as a good sign because the last thing I need to worry about is cramping right now.

I was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S yesterday and it was the episode where Rachel is leaving for Paris and she can’t say good-bye to Ross. She bursts into his apartment and they have a heated discussion as she gets more and more teary eyed. My eyes also started welling up with tears. I told BJ, “I think I’m going to cry.” He laughed and said “that’s because you’re growing a baby in there” and pointed to my stomach. There was something else we were watching and the same thing happened. He just laughed again. I guess my hormones really are starting to change.

BJ started searching the internet for minivans last night. He drives an F150 and I drive a Trailblazer. He’s convinced that we will need a van because 1) it will be too hard to get a baby seat in and out of either of our vehicles and 2) he doesn’t want to drive my vehicle on the weekends because mine is the easier of the 2 in that regard. He said, “it gives me something to do”. It will be a long time before we need a minivan but I think he wants to feel like he’s doing something, you know?

I know I need to take this one day at a time and just go with the flow but I’m really nervous about tomorrow’s beta. I’m scared that it won’t be good and tHhat this pregnancy is doomed. I have no real reason to think that but there it is. I keep hearing this little voice telling me to wise up and realize that this isn’t real. That voice is laughing at me for being so excited. That evil little voice is just waiting to tell me “I told you so”. I’m trying not to listen and I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard. It’s so hard to believe that this is happening to ME. The thought that I might actually get to hold my own newborn child in January is still so foreign to me. I think most Infertiles go through this process but now that it’s happening to me I don’t know how to get over the fear. It’s almost too good to be true. I’m praying and hoping with everything I have that tomorrow’s number is increasing just like it should be. I told BJ that if it’s a good number that I might not have to take any more blood tests and that I might actually get to schedule an ultrasound. Please, oh please let tomorrow’s number be good. For right now I’m still living in hopeland. I’m still in shock that I’m pregnant with a first beta of just over 800…unreal. Deep breaths, TeeJay…deep breaths.

Monday, May 21, 2012

13dp5dt - Beta Day

I began to get very nervous about my appointment this morning.  All weekend I have continued to only feel tired, have sore breasts and cramps from time to time.  The only thing that really kept my hope alive is that food still continues to not really be appealing.  I refused to pee on any more sticks.  I was afraid of what I might see.  I wanted to keep the happiness flowing.  I started googling to see what type of number I should expect.  The average numbers that I kept finding for this stage of things was anywhere from the high 200's to the low 400's.  A pretty large gap but it gave me a good comfort zone.

I kept myself as busy as possible waiting for the call.  I had just laid down on the couch to take a nap (serious fatigue has set it) when my phone rang.  She asked how I was and I told her I was pretty good and then she said "Congratulations!  Your HCG came in at 804".  WHAT?  She said that they wanted to see something over 100 so everything looks good right now.  I was baffled.  My mind was racing.  I was ecstatic.  And then I asked her if she thought there could be 2 in there.  She said that she's seen it go either way.  Holy hell.  She was quick to tell me to continue meds and repeat beta on Wednesday.  I need more PIO so I had to call the pharmacy.  After I did that I immediately started googling again.  I was relieved to find out that plenty of women had high betas with just a singleton.  Whew.

I called BJ and told him that "I am SO knocked up!"  He was very happy to hear it even though he doesn't understand the numbers game.  I told him that last time it was 38 so yeah, 804 is pretty damned good.  I then laid down and took almost a 2 hour nap.  :-)

They do not check P4 or E2, which I find strange so hopefully it's all good.

Now we just have to hope that everything rises appropriately.  Fingers crossed for a good rise on Wednesday.  I'll be at work for that phone call so I hope it's good news like today was.  Although, I don't know how I'm going to get through the day without taking a nap.  Yawn city over here.

I have more to write but I'm really tired and it's late so it will have to wait.  Thank you all for your prayers and your positive thoughts.  You really are the best support system.


Friday, May 18, 2012

10dp5dt - Happy Birthday to ME!

Here's the story behind this.

I went to Subway for lunch yesterday and since I know I'm not supposed to eat lunch meat, I ordered a steak and cheese with tomatoes, lettuce and ketchup.  I was eating it and was sure I was not liking the tomatoes.  However, I also convinced myself that I was making that up because I didn't want to like them.  So I just took them off so I'd stop effing with myself.  Then I decided I don't like Subway's ketchup.  I also noticed that my breasts were not quite as sore as they should be.  I was starting to feel pretty down.  I had been up since 4:15 because for the 3rd or 4th night in a row I have woken up unable to go back to sleep.  This should have been a clue as this happened last time I was pregnant.  I was tired, I had a rough day at work and I just wanted to go home.  During the evening I noticed that I was no longer feeling the uterine cramping and my breasts barely ached at all.  I was sinking lower.  Also, this whole week I have not been very interested in food.  Normally, there is something that I could really go for and would love to have.  Not so much this week.  I decided last night that I would most likely test this morning to just get it over with and so I could stop my meds and get my period here quicker in order to start prepping for my FET.  But then I wasn't sure I wanted to ruin my birthday so I didn't get the test ready last night.

This morning I woke up really early again, wide awake and with an aching bladder.  I figured I should just test and get it over with so that I could get on with my day.  I was no longer happily ignorant thinking wonderful things anyway so what difference did it make?  I waited until just before BJ was supposed to get up for work and went into the bathroom.  I took the box into our closet so I could open it quietly.  I peed, wiped and stood up.  I was fully prepared for a stark white window.  When I peeked at the test on the ledge my heart skipped a beat and I could not have been happier.  I stared at myself in the mirror just smiling and whispering "we made a baby".  I was worried about the color of the line because it was lighter than I would have expected right now but it had only been about 2 minutes.  I walked out of the bathroom with the test behind my back and a smile I couldn't wipe off my face.  BJ was awake and looking at me.  I said, "good morning, daddy".  And he said, "did it say you're pregnant?"  I showed him the test and he said he couldn't see it, he needed his glasses.  He looked at it and said, "it told you that last time and you got all excited.  I hope it's real this time."   I agreed with him but you know what?  Today is my birthday and I'm happy and I'm going to stay happy about this.  I snuggled with him for a few more minutes and when he got up he looked at the test again and said, "there's definitely a line there this time.  Last time it was pretty light, remember?"  Then I looked at it again and saw how dark it was and I was even happier.  I know not to count my chickens before they hatch.  I'm not rushing out to by a crib, but I'm going to relish the fact that there is a life in me right now and be happy and giddy and hopeful.  I need to schedule my beta for Monday and that will be a pretty good indicator of where we stand, at least for right now.

BJ said he was worried about it being negative and completely ruining my day.  I told him that I was dreading testing and just wanted to get it over with and if it was negative, I'd be able to get drunk tonight.  :-)  Right now, I'm drunk on happiness.

PS - I pulled up the picture of last year's BFP on 10dp5dt on my phone and today's line is SO much darker than that line!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

8dp5dt - Bullet Updates!

- I’m not feeling anything new. I’m still having the twinges and the cramping in my uterus on and off. The breasts are still tender, about the same, really. I started to have a little CM yesterday but I know that doesn’t mean anything one way or another. I am, however, feeling pretty emotional these days. I know I’m pumping hormones into my body so it doesn’t surprise me too much. I just feel extra weepy and it’s pretty easy to tick me off right now. Both are signs of a period but could also mean something else…if you get my drift.

- BJ asked me last night when I was testing and I explained to him the planning work that I’m doing today and tomorrow and how it’d be terrible to get a bad test result right now. Plus, my birthday is Friday. He said it made sense to wait until Saturday, if I can. That’s the thing. Can I wait until Saturday? We shall see.

- I really don’t like coming to work these days. There’s been a shift of power in our office and it has not had good repercussions at all. People that I thought were friendly enough to have my back have shown that they are the ones I need to protect myself from. It sucks.

- My behind is so damn sore. Don’t get me wrong, I hope I get to keep taking everything for several more weeks (until I’m weaned off with a healthy pregnancy) but man oh man do I hurt sometimes. And it’s now getting to the point where the area is so sore that the needles are hurting more and more. I’ll endure it, but just so everyone out there knows, it sucks to have to go through this.

- I’ve received some very nice comments lately. I’ve heard from my regular followers/pals and I’ve started to hear from some Anonymous readers as well. I read a comment the other day that brought tears to my eyes. I’ve pasted it here so you all can read it, too. I am always amazed at the support this web community can bestow upon total strangers. It’s wonderful, really.

The days of my kids being little are long over but please know, you have so many anonymous people, along with your followers, pulling for you and praying for you. You deserve this so much and I am sending good thoughts your way! I don't follow your blog but I do pop in and I am hoping so strongly that I get to read a post on your positive results very soon!!!

- No big plans for Friday (the birthday) other than getting my license renewed. Woo hoo! Exciting stuff. Our anniversary is Sunday (5 years!) so hopefully we’ll eat out somewhere nice. Of course there is always yard work to be done. But I’m glad to have it because that means that my flower garden is thriving.

- My Caps lost in game 7. I was very sad but I think they deserve a lot of credit for playing as hard as they did. They fought tooth and nail for every victory and just came up a little short. Poor guys.

I guess that’s about all for now. If I break down and test before Saturday I will be sure to post the results, good or bad. You guys will likely know before BJ. :-) Fingers crossed that it’s good news and that I’m just not feeling a whole lot right now and maybe it means I’ll have a simple pregnancy! I know that’s asking a lot but I gotta go big or go home, right?

Monday, May 14, 2012

6dp5dt - I Got Nuthin'

I was so slammed at work today that I didn't get the chance to post.  Although, as far as the cycle goes, I don't have much to report.  That makes me a little (a LOT) sad.  I know it's early yet, so I'm not giving up the hope.  I'm just settling into that place where I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't work.  You all know the place I'm talking about.  The closer it gets to test day, the more fear and dread and negative thoughts start to set in.  I'm trying to keep them at bay, really I am.  It's just really hard.  I haven't had one food aversion, not one second of nausea, not much of anything.  I've had some cramps and that's a good sign, I guess.  I haven't had a period in 79 days so I'm sure with all the estrogen and progesterone I'm pumping into my body my lining is about to burst at the seams.  That would account for the cramping I'm experiencing.  The cramps feel pretty much like period cramps.  My boobs are still sore but they haven't gotten any worse.  If anything, they have mellowed out a little.  I don't take that as a good sign.  I'm tired but it seems like no more than usual.  Ok, maybe a tad more than usual but again...the progesterone.  *sigh*
We have a really big meeting coming up on Thursday that I will spend most of tomorrow and Wednesday prepping for.  I was going to test Wednesday morning but have since thought better of it.  If it's negative I won't be able to focus on the tasks at hand.  I can't test Thursday morning, the morning of the meeting for the same reason.  Friday is my birthday and I'm so scared of seeing a stark white window that I might actually be able to wait until Saturday morning.  There will be no question of accuracy at that point.  I'm sort of going crazy wanting to know, though.  I have to have my head in the game for this meeting prep, though.  I was given more of the prepping responsibilities so I'm going to be scrutinized all the more.  Although I feel a bit distracted NOT knowing.  I'm a mess.

My weekend was great.  The Little Guy had his baseball game on Saturday.  They were losing and decided to put him in to pitch.  It was his first time this year and it's been almost a year since he last pitched.  He struck out one kid with beautiful pitches.  He tagged a runner out at home!  And then he struck out one of the other teams best hitters!  He got all 3 outs of the last inning himself!  Proud is not even the word.  And all of this while dealing with a cold.  Poor kid.

Sunday was spent outside lounging in a lawn chair while BJ washed and cleaned the inside of my truck.  He's so good to me.  And now my truck is clean and smells good and I have the beginnings of a nice tan.  We went to lunch at 5 Guys and I was able to have a caffeine free fountain cola.  Oh how I have missed my fountain colas.  I LOVE fountain colas but no one has caffeine free...except the 5 Guys by our house.  Yummy!

I'll keep you all in the loop if I break down and decide to test early.  Thank you so much for your support and your well wishes.  It really means a lot to me that you are out there.  I know I say it a lot, but it's really true.

Friday, May 11, 2012

3dp5dt - Infertility is Greedy

Great news from my nurse regarding our left over embryos. Of the 8 that were remaining, 4 of them made it to freeze! Can you believe that? I was beyond happy to get that news. I asked her if she could tell me the grade of the frosties. She said that the highest they can be is XBAA and all 4 of ours are XBAB. Not too shabby, right? Now for the downer part of the post. Or more accurately, the reality of what this means.

Anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile knows all about what I’m about to say. Infertility is greedy. IF loves to just take and take and take and all too many times does not give anything back. Unless you count hope but most times it’s just false hope so that doesn’t count as giving.

It doesn’t matter how put together a woman is or how educated or how sophisticated she might be, when IF strikes it tries to take everything.

Self esteem

Not to mention the emotional drain and the strains on a marriage. IF tries to take it ALL from us. We have to fight so hard to hang onto these things that it can be utterly exhausting to do so. I’m sure that the list could be added to but this is what I came up with today. And hearing the news of my frosties reminded me of something else IF has taken from me: A chance at another child.

I had said for a long time (before actually TTC) that I only wanted 1 child. When my first husband and I started trying we were still pretty sure we’d just have one. As time went on and we struggled I realized that I didn’t want just 1 and that we’d better get on the ball so we could have 2. Then we split and I hooked up with a man that had a 4 year old. When that 4 year old turned 5 we decided to try to have our own. Now that the 4 year old is almost 11 and my husband turns 40 this year…that will not be happening. I know that 2 small children in this stage in our lives would be a lot to handle. I’m not naive about that fact. I didn’t want my child to be an only child. Yes, we have the Little Guy but there will be quite an age difference and I don’t see them being particularly close or able to play together the way siblings that are closer in age can. Also, I am mourning the loss of a second (please let this be my first) full term pregnancy. I won’t be able to learn things from this pregnancy for my next pregnancy. I only get one shot at this. I’m grateful to have this shot, please do not think I’m not grateful. I just know from reading other blogs that the desire to do it again is there and it’s strong. I wish I could say that I thought I could talk my husband into using the frosties (assuming this one takes and I’m not trying to jinx anything) to add to our family and have 2 full siblings running around the house. After a comment he made last night I am fairly certain that if we are so lucky to get a child this time that it will be our only one.

He said that after this baby is born (he’s still as hopeful as me about this) that he’s going to get snipped. He already has stated numerous times how he feels like he’s too old to start over with a child right now. I know he wants it but he wanted it more a few years ago. Join the club. If we were successful a few years ago maybe we’d be able to have another one. I don’t believe that will be happening.

So while I’m ecstatic about having 4 frosties, the thought of leaving them there or destroying them has made me very sad. And it’s not that I don’t want the one that is in me, I want them all, trust me. I’m hoping the one in me has snuggled in nice and deep and that I’ll see its little face on an u/s and hear its wonderful heartbeat and eventually hold it in my arms in January. It’s just that IF has taken the possibility for another child from me. And that is hard to handle, especially since we have 4 good looking blasts on ice. If this cycle doesn’t work then I have great hope that one of those frosties will become my child. It’s a very conflicting position to be in, that’s for sure. I hope this cycle works but if it does then those other embryos that fought to survive will be left all alone. If this cycle doesn’t work then we have 4 more chances just from the frosties. In my heart of hearts I want this cycle to work. Everyone should have the dilemma of having 4 embryos on ice, right? It’s just so unfair that IF put us in this position. No one ever taught IF to stop being so greedy.

Symptom Check (just so we end on a lighter note)

- The boobs are hurting more. I know this is because of the progesterone but my goodness are they sore.

- Last night I had some very strong “menstrual” cramps going on. They lasted about 3 minutes.

- I’ve had some twinges, but on both sides, so I’m thinking it doesn’t mean anything either way.

- I’m pretty tired. Again, I’m sure it’s the progesterone.

Other than that, there really isn’t anything to report. Today would have been the final day of implantation. Real growth should be starting tomorrow. I think I might actually test before my birthday after all. I’m thinking I will test on the 16th or 17th. I will not be at work on the 18th so I can use that day to mourn or to celebrate. I will be by myself until BJ gets home from work and since it’s my birthday, I can spend it however I wish. So I can lie on the couch all day and not have to put on a happy face for anyone. Or I can flitter about the house full of hope and happiness. Either way, we’ll be going out to dinner because it’s my birthday and I will either be really happy that I can’t drink or I’ll want to have a couple of drinks. Those are my feelings right now; we’ll see what really happens next week.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

2dp5dt - DE Cycle #1 (hopefully only)

At this point, the embryo should have shed its outer shell and started the implantation process. I hope that is what’s happening in there. Tomorrow, the little one should really be burrowing in for the long haul. These 2 days are so very important in the process. I can only hope with all of my might that everything is happening as it should and that our little over achiever is doing what it’s supposed to be doing.

I’ve thought about when I will test and I haven’t come to a conclusion. I want to keep feeling all these good things. I want to keep the hope. I want to be PUPO as long as possible. I was thinking that the 16th would be a good day. I would be 8dp5dt and sure to get an accurate result. I changed my mind about that because my birthday is the 18th and I really don’t want to ruin my birthday in case it’s negative. And in case you were wondering, I’ve lost a little of my cockiness about this working. I still have hope and I’m not giving up by no means…I’m just not as cocky about it. There is a chance it won’t work and I have to be realistic about that. I don’t want my birthday marred by a negative result. On the other hand, I don’t think I’ll be able to STOP myself from testing before my birthday. I think I will just have to play it by ear. Also, the thought of getting a negative and then having to go to work is not appealing either. Decisions, decisions.

I have let a little of the crazy slip in. I’ve spoken to the embryo on multiple occasions. Telling it how much I love it and how much I want it to stick around in there until January. When I talk to it, I put my hand on my stomach. I may not have created that embryo but I love it more than I can put into words right now. When BJ got home the other day I showed him the picture and he was not very impressed because he doesn’t remember what our other embryos looked like. I showed him what is supposed to become the baby and what is supposed to become the placenta. He pretended to care so that was nice.

I was a good girl and rode the couch until 10:00 yesterday morning and even then I didn’t do a whole lot of standing and moving. I just did some laundry and we went to the Little Guy’s baseball game. They were creamed. I don’t think the LG has lost a game as badly as they lost that one. It was a 14-0 wallop. Come to find out the team was stacked from another league. Nice. However, the highlight of the evening was that the LG was the ONLY kid on his team to hit off of their pitcher and get on base. Granted, he was stranded there, but still. I was so proud of him.

Now for a symptom check: (Like I said, I’ve let a little of the crazy set in, bear with me.)

- Sore boobs – They’ve been sore since I started the bcp. It’s gotten worse since adding the PIO and the estrogen. Not sure how much more this would change should I become pregnant.

- Several twinges in my lower left abdomen. It doesn’t really feel like my ovary area so I’m guessing it’s not a cyst acting up. It could just be my lining growing with the estrogen and the PIO.

Considering that the little embryo has only just begun to implant (hopefully) I didn’t really expect to have much to report. What I’m hoping is this…with my last pregnancy, I was only 4 weeks (with a very weak embryo) when I began to have my tomato aversion. I know that all pregnancies are different but I’m hoping that with this perfect little ball of cells that’s in me now I will start to experience something like that a little sooner.

So that is where I’m at. I haven’t heard from my nurse about any possible frosties yet. She said she’d let me know by Friday so hopefully I’ll hear from her by tomorrow afternoon. I have a post in my head regarding the possibility of frosties that I will hopefully be able to get written soon. Thank you all again for your support. The next 7 or so days are going to be filled with lots of crazy and it’s nice to know that you all will be right there with me!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

One Year Ago - Part 3

May 8, 2011 was not a good day for me.  It was Mother's day and that day has always been a problem for me anyway, let alone since trying (and trying, and trying) to get pregnant.  That day last year was CD1.  Or as I like to refer to it, the official end of the one and only pregnancy I thought I'd ever have the chance to experience.  It was a day spent on the couch watching mindless TV with my husband.  I was fighting tears and hardly able to crack a smile all day.  BJ was there for me but he didn't even realize that my period had started.  I couldn't bring myself to say the words.  It felt like saying those words would make it even more real.  Hearing that my beta had dropped was hard enough but the visual proof of letting that little embryo go was almost more than I could bear (bare?).
May 8, 2012 could not be more different.  I woke up on time, got ready on time and left a few minutes early because I had to get gas.  The gps said I'd arrive at 8:12.  Awesome.  I knew I'd be later than that because of traffic but I thought for sure I had given myself enough time.  The Beltway was moving well and I hadn't really encountered too many issues so far so I was beginning to relax.  And then I hit the slow traffic.  And then I stopped.  And then I was just creeping along watching the gps adjust my arrival time minute by minute.  There's a sign posted that lets drivers know when they will reach the next big turn off.  It's only 9 miles or so and the sign said it would take me 37 minutes to get there.  WHAT???  Cue panic-mode.  I was cussing and yelling and on the verge of tears.  The traffic finally lightened up and I got to my exit and parked with about 6 minutes to spare.  Whew!  I checked in and was seated.  That is about the time my bladder filled up completely with the water I had been drinking.  I was in agony.  I asked the receptionist if I could empty a little.  She obliged.  Not 10 minutes later I was in even worse pain.  No sitting position was comfortable.  I had to undo my pants.  I couldn't even get on FB on my phone or play Scramble or anything.  I went back up to the receptionist and she assured me it would only be a few more minutes.  My name was called and I could barely walk.  The nurse said, "you need to go release for about 20 seconds...we can't work with you like that."  Ha ha.  After that everything was much more pleasant.  I received some very surprising news, too.  We actually had 14 eggs!  Ten of them were mature and 9 fertilized.  That donor was amazing, was she not?  The doctor went on to ask how many we were transferring and I confirmed it would only be one.  He said that was good because we actually have one grade 1A (the highest!) embryo that we are going to transfer.  He said the others were at different stages of development and that they will give them 1 to 2 more days to grow before deciding on what to freeze.  He thinks there will be a couple.  My nurse will call me by Friday to let me know what we have left.  Then the picture came up on the screen.  I was amazed at how beautiful it looked.  I told him it was better looking than anything I've ever produced.  He laughed. He mentioned a couple of times how good the embryo looked. (an over-achiever, already?).  Then in it went.  The doctor said that I might feel some liquid "exiting" later but not to worry, that it wasn't the embryo.  I chuckled and said that I don't want to see the embryo until January.  He thought that was funny, too.  I laid there, got my discharge papers/instructions, emptied my bladder the rest of the way (heaven!) and was out the door.  They want me to wait until 5/21 for my beta but of course I'll be testing well before then.  I had no issues getting home, of course, as the traffic had cleared out.

So today, I'm on the couch, watching mindless TV and waiting for my husband to come home from work to sit and cuddle with me.  I can't seem to stop smiling...especially when I look at the picture (which brought me to tears when they first handed it to me).  Today, we will admire our picture of the embryo that we are hoping will attach itself to my uterine lining (which is another thing I hope I don't see until after January).

Thank you all for your reassurances yesterday and all of your support and just for being there for me.  It means a lot to me to have you all following along and cheering us on.  All of your comments on my last post really helped to calm me down.  Now, to make it through the next 7 days or so as I dream, ponder, worry, freak out, break down, rise high and just generally try to hold it together until I test.

Oh, and I leave you with the picture of our embryo:

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Wind and My Sails

There are so many highs and lows of trying to get (and stay) pregnant. To say that it’s a roller coaster is a good comparison. Another good comparison would be sailing. Along comes a great breeze that fills the sails and moves you forward toward the known (and the unknown, sometimes). You get a breath of fresh air as you are making progress forward...the wind on your face and your hair blowing about. Then all at once the wind dies down and you are now just coasting along until you come to a virtual stop...out in the middle of nowhere. The sails are limp, your eyes are watering and your hair is a tangled mess. You aren’t sure where you are. You don’t see land anywhere and you start to feel very alone and very isolated. All you have is time to sit and think about your plight. And then comes the wind again and you are plowing through the waves full of anticipation and excitement. I think you get my point.

That is sort of what I feel right now. I was going along just great and I feel like the wind has virtually abandoned my sails. I e-mailed my nurse to ask her if she could tell me about my embryos. She responded that all 9 are growing and that she will see me tomorrow. AWESOME news, right? I was floating on air, sailing right along. Not 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was the clinic’s main number. My doctor was on the other end. He was full of enthusiasm and it was great. He said that everything was looking good and the only question left was whether we are going to transfer 1 or 2?

Me – the plan is to transfer 1, assuming that the quality is good.

Dr. M – that’s a great plan. I won’t be there for the transfer as I’m at a conference but I wanted to touch base with you before tomorrow. Things are moving along just as they should be.

Me – I know, it’s very exciting. So you think we’ll have 3 or 4 good looking blasts tomorrow?

Dr. M – mmmm....I think that’s a bit optimistic. You will probably get 1 or 2 and then we’ll see what happens on day 6 to see what you have to freeze. I suspect there will be a couple.

Ok. And that’s when it hit me. The embryos must not look that great. And oh yeah, we are not the only recipients. There are at least 15 more eggs out there (accounting for the fact that maybe we didn’t all the get the same number of eggs...I would have only gotten 1 more than the #2 recipient and she would have only gotten 1 more than the 3rd in line). Statistically speaking, when you harvest a lot of eggs only some of them are really good...a lot of them don’t make it to blast stage let alone to freeze. And if they were looking really good then Dr. M. would have been more optimistic about how many we would have tomorrow and how many we’d have left over. The thought of only have 1 or 2 good eggs out of 9 is frightening to me. I’m scared. What if we don’t even get 1? What if I’m heading up there tomorrow and they call me and tell me never mind, better luck next time? Oh I’m a mess right now.

My rear end is really sore and I’m hormonal and I’m so hoping that we are able to transfer tomorrow. Being able to freeze anything would be icing on the cake. I feel like I could throw up right now. I know I’m probably over reacting (see above where I mention being hormonal) but we’ve come so far and to have the wind taken out of my sails like that was so disheartening.

It’s going to be a long evening as I know I will be thinking about those embryos constantly. I will update tomorrow afternoon...WHEN I GET HOME FROM TRANSFERING 1 BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BLAST. I have to try and keep that thought racing through my head instead of the negative ones trying to take over. Fingers crossed and prayers a plenty.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Day 3 Update and Transfer Schedule

Who has 9 embryos still growing?  ME!  Who has a 5 day transfer scheduled for Tuesday at 9:30?  ME!

I got the call yesterday at the Little Guy's baseball game that all 9 embryos were still growing and were all 4 cells!  How awesome is that?  I was told that I'd get a call this afternoon with an update and a schedule for transfer.  Since it was 4:00 and no one had called me yet I called the answering service.  Someone called back within 5 minutes.  She explained that it just takes longer to get through all the calls on the weekend.  Ok, then tell me that on Saturday.  I was expecting an update when I always get updates, between 1:00 and 3:00.  But who really cares about all that when I have 9 embryos waiting for me, right?

I never thought I'd be here again.  I never thought I'd have another transfer of an embryo.  I never thought I'd ever really have another shot at getting pregnant.  And now I do.  Wow.

I hate the time they gave me, though.  That means that I will be fighting some major traffic Tuesday morning.  I was hoping for 11:00 or later but it is what it is and I'm not going to complain.  I'm going to get my butt out the door by 7:00 (since I have to check in at 9:00) and I'm hoping that 2 hours is enough travel time.  I might change my mind later but for now, I will leave at 7:00.

Can you believe this is really happening??

Friday, May 4, 2012

Fertilization Report and Other Musings

• All 9 eggs were fertilized with ICSI. I received an e-mail this morning that ALL 9 are growing! That’s great news. The best news, actually. I responded with an e-mail of my own asking that a phone call be used to update me tomorrow because their e-mails keep going to my spam folder (even though I listed them as “safe”) and I don’t have access to spam on my phone. We will be out and about tomorrow so I don’t want to miss anything. I also asked if the transfer date would be decided tomorrow. She said that if we are having a 3 day transfer that they will give me a time tomorrow, but she suspects we’ll have a 5 day transfer. Another bit of great news. Here’s to hoping that we have at least 4 survive to day 5. I know the stats so I think 5 good blasts could be a reality. Although, these are not the donors only eggs so I guess time will tell.

• My husband sent me a text earlier that went something like this: I got a bbq sandwich for lunch and dropped some on my white shirt. Just to give you an idea, this man spills food on himself all the time. I can’t tell you how many shirts have had to be treated with a stain remover before going into the washing machine. So I responded with: Of course. We need to get you some bibs. You and the baby can get matching ones. And he came back with: Yeah, we can compete to see who is messier, me or the baby. It was strange but really good to talk about “the baby”. Even in this context. A baby...really? Us? Fingers crossed.

• I went and got a pedicure today. Two things of note happened while I was there. The lady, whom I’ve been going to for a few years, now said to me, “did I ever tell you that you have really pretty feet? You could be a foot model.” I’ve gotten compliments on my feet before from pedicurists so I have an enlarged ego about my feet as it is. :-) She went on to tell me that she looks at the feet of models in magazines and catalogs and thinks I have nicer feet than a lot of them. I smiled and thanked her. And then I did something totally horrible. I wondered to myself what our donor’s feet look like. I have my dad’s big toe but the rest of my foot (besides the size) is from my mom... exactly like her feet. We’ve always thought it was pretty cool to have the same feet. If I have a girl, there’s no chance those feet get passed on. It was a fleeting thought but it’s one of those things that take you by surprise. I felt like an ass for even thinking such a thing. And no, it doesn’t matter what my daughter’s feet might look’s just something I thought and lamented a little bit. This whole donor egg thing is an ongoing process. I’m sure that is not the last time I will have a thought like that. I’m also pretty sure that once that baby is in my arms none of this petty stuff will matter. It doesn’t really matter right now but the thoughts come and go. If anyone reading this feels like an ass for lamenting a genetic loss to your child, you are not alone. I think it’s pretty normal to wonder about these things. It’s almost healthy, dare I say? I mean, how many of us wonder what traits of ours and what traits of our husbands our child(ren) will get? I wonder if the donor would take a picture of her feet and send it to my nurse. Just kidding.

• I’m getting pretty cocky in believing we will get a baby out of this, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. I know that DE is not a magic ticket to motherhood. I’ve read enough message boards to know that, unfortunately. However, I’m trying to stay positive and keep my mind and body at ease through this process. The way I see it is that we paid for 6 cycles and all resulting frozen cycles so of course it will happen on the first try, right? Plus, I have 9 embryos growing right now. How can one not be positive and a little cocky at that prospect? Especially someone that could never manage more than 3 embryos.

• I plan on drinking alcohol this weekend. I told BJ that the other night and he comes back with, “I’m gonna get fuuuuuucked up!” I clarified that I was the one doing the drinking this weekend and HE would be the driver. And he said, “hell no...we’ll both get smashed.” And I said, “Who will drive us home?” And then he turns around, sticks his thumb out and sways from side to side...”someone will pick us up.” He cracks me up. I think I’ll keep him.

• My PIO shot last night was interesting. I didn’t hit a blood vessel which was nice but I leaked oil. It seemed like a lot of oil but I can only assume this is normal and that not that much really ran out. At least I hope that’s the case. Any PIO vets out there that can assure me that I’m ok if some leaks out....please?  Also, I now have 2 sore butt cheeks.  I hope that they continue to be sore for the next 7 to 9 weeks.  Or however long someone normally stays on PIO to support a pregnancy.

• No big plans for the weekend unless we have to unexpectedly have embryos transferred on Sunday. I hope that’s not the case. The weather is supposed to be wonderful and we have the LG’s baseball game tomorrow and some yard work that needs done. I also have a very important hockey game to watch.  Oh and of course the drinking I plan on doing. I told BJ we should get some 2x4’s for the basement so we can get started on it this fall or winter. I will need to get my scrapping stuff out of the spare bedroom so we can turn it into a nursery. See? I’m really getting ahead of myself. I hope I’m not jinxing anything...I just hope and pray that one of those 9 little embies becomes my take home baby.

I hope you all have a great weekend and I will be updating on Monday with transfer plans! Unless I’m thrown a major curveball and have to go in on Sunday. ACK! Let’s hope not. Let’s hope that the next time you hear from me I’m telling you what time my beautiful blast will be transferred into my uterus for the next 9 months!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

One Year Ago - Part 2

May 3, 2011 was met with giddy anticipation and some fear. The hpt I took the previous morning was a shade or 2 lighter than the one before it. I shook it off and kept an open heart and mind. I was pregnant and this was for real. I had a beta scheduled for that morning. I was excited because I knew it would be positive. I just didn’t know how big the number was going to be. I was hoping for over 100 because I did a lot of searching on the evil internet. This was the first time I had ever sat in the chair with a big smile plastered on my face. I was happy to be getting stuck with that needle and nothing could change that. It was a great feeling. I had taken the whole day off because we also had a meeting at the school later that afternoon. BJ and I met up for lunch and I kept my phone close by. I could hardly eat my food I had such butterflies in my stomach. Of course, the tomatoes had to come off my burger because I just couldn’t stomach them. We didn’t get the call until about an hour before the school meeting. We were lounging on the couch in pure silence. My cell phone rang and I jumped up and leaned forward to take the call. My nurse said the words I’ll never forget, “they did find HCG in your blood...” and my heart sank because her tone was not as excited as it should be. She continued, “but it was a bit low. It was 38.” My heart sank even further. At the stage I was at, it should have been well over 100. My shoulders sank and I leaned over as if I had been gut punched. I could see BJ out of the corner of my eye. His shoulders sank and he turned his head away from me. The nurse told me that I’d have to repeat in 2 days, blah, blah,’s a blur from there. I cried to BJ and had to explain to him that yes I’m pregnant but it won’t last and I’m going to lose it. He just held me and let me cry. He didn’t fully understand the significance of the number so he was asking questions but I don’t think I answered them. I had to dust myself off shortly thereafter because we still had a meeting at the school to attend. It was so hard to concentrate on anything that was said in the meeting. All I kept thinking about was that number.

May 3, 2012 was met with giddy anticipation and some fear, too. Things have been going so well with our donor and this process that I keep waiting for the bad news. BJ’s appointment was set for 10:30. He wasn’t happy about it. Of course, this made me stress a bit. I hate it when he gets agitated with the process because he’s very vocal about it. Yes, he was inconvenienced ONE MORNING through this whole thing. I’m the one that has been on bcp and stabbing myself in the ass with really long needles. I’m the one that has had to have the blood work and the ultrasounds and he’s going to bitch about having to watch p.o.rn and take a couple of hours off of work? But I digress. His appointment time meant that he could lolly gag at home in the morning and do his thing and head out. I sent a text at 8:00 to make sure he was up. He was. He called me at 8:50 to complain about the traffic. He hadn’t even gotten out of the county yet. Then he’s sending me texts about how bad the Beltway is backed up. I’m sitting at my desk reading these messages and I’m about to go into full blown panic. I hate the traffic in this area. It’s so unpredictable from day to day. Who would have thought that as late as he left there would still be rush hour volume out there? Ugh. I had butterflies in my stomach as I was watching the clock. His next message said that his GPS told him that there was a 25 minute back up now. HOLY HELL! Since I know my husband, I sent him a message back that stated to keep the sample warm and be careful. If he feels stressed about time he’ll drive like a crazy man and all I could think about was him either getting into an accident or being pulled over and delayed. I started thinking of when I would call the clinic and explain that he’d be late...would they cancel us out? Would they still be able to perform the wash in time for the procedure? What if he’s delayed so much that the swimmers all die? Cue crazy internal freak out. As I’m trying to distract myself with work and NOT watch the time whisking by, my phone buzzes again. It’s the husband, of course. I’m dreading reading it because it’s now 10:05 and I don’t want more bad news. The message reads “made it early!” AMEN! Now began the wait for the phone call regarding the number of eggs. And of course the freak out of hoping the donor gets there in time and is not caught in all that awful traffic. BJ called me when he left at 10:30 and we both breathed a sigh of relief that our part had been completed. Now we just had to wait for the all-important number. I had no clue what time her procedure was scheduled for but guessed maybe around 11:30 since we always had to hang out for an hour or so for our IVF’s. I was waiting on an e-mail from someone else and decided to check to see if it had come in when to my surprise my nurse sent me an e-mail at 11:00 with the count. We have nine mature eggs all to ourselves! They will all be fertilized with ICSI and I’ll get an actual fertilization report tomorrow. NINE MATURE EGGS! That means that this girl produced at least 27 mature eggs for the 3 recipients. How wonderful to be 22 and fertile. How wonderful to be willing to share that fertility with others. I feel so blessed right now I can’t even tell you. I know there are more hurdles and more numbers to wait on, but that number is so much better than I was hoping for, than I even dared to dream of. It makes my sore left butt cheek (from my PIO shot last night) hurt just a bit less. The next number I’m hoping for is at least 4 growing embryos that look great and can be cultured to 5-day blasts. But for now, I’m relishing in THIS great number.

One year ago today I was devastated by a number and today I’m on cloud 9 because of a different number. I hope that things continue to move in a positive forward motion and that very soon I will be even more blessed.

Side note – my shot went well last night aside from apparently hitting a blood vessel. I bled like a stuck pig after I pulled the needle out. And as stated above, my butt is pretty sore today. Not sure if it’s from the PIO or the fact that I haven’t done any shots on that side yet. I’ll find out tomorrow because I will be stabbing the right side tonight.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Happiness Is...

- Having leftover meatloaf on a sandwich for lunch. So yummy. If you’ve ever wondered what to do with your leftover meatloaf wonder no more. Just slice a piece kind of thin and put it on a sandwich with some ketchup and you will be good to go. BJ loves them in his lunch, too.

- The Little Guy hitting a triple at his game on Saturday. He has been struggling to hit the ball (mainly because he hasn’t been swinging the bat) and his first time up on Saturday he got a triple! So exciting. Unfortunately, he pulled/strained his groin muscle on his next at bat (it was a base hit, though!) so he’s been nursing it ever since. We are keeping him out of tonight’s game hoping that he’ll be good to go on Saturday.

- My Capitals winning Monday night and evening the series to one game apiece! They played so hard and made me so nervous that at one point I actually jumped up onto the ottoman! My husband just laughs at me. I can’t help it. I’ve been a fan since early 1995...this team is like my baby and I just want them to WIN the Stanley Cup already! They’ve never won it so they are definitely due.

- My rosebushes are just about in full bloom. I have 2 pink knockout bushes (one on either side of my front steps) and I was afraid that the cold snaps we’ve been having would prevent them from blooming but they have fought back. There are many blooms and at least 100 buds on each bush that will be blooming in the next few days hopefully. Now if only my gardenia bushes would bloom I’d have one of the prettiest gardens on our street.

- Getting the all clear to start my PIO shots tonight! That’s right, people...the donor’s blood work came back great and retrieval is all set for tomorrow. Unfortunately, they didn’t run her E2 today so I don’t have a number to obsess over. But there will be EGGS tomorrow...young eggs...hopefully normal eggs! I told BJ yesterday that he’s in charge of making a baby on Thursday. And he said, hopefully. And I said...NO hopefully’s about it...only positive thinking from here on out. Our baby will be made tomorrow. I can’t believe it’s finally here. I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about the enormity of the situation. Please keep hoping and praying as there is still a long way to go and I realize that. I’m just so happy right now that I don’t want to think of anything but a positive outcome.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

One Year Ago - Part 1

One year ago today I peed on a stick and saw a beautiful 2nd pink line staring back at me. I just knew that cycle would work. I was calm and collected, for the most part, through the whole thing. I couldn’t have been happier. I was giddy, I was dreamy eyed, I was hopeful. I was also a little scared. I had never seen 2 lines before. Not once in 10 years. I remember climbing back into bed and showing BJ the test and explaining what the 2nd line meant. He was my negative nelly. He said he’d believe it more when the doctor told us it was true. Deep down he knew we were pregnant but I think he was afraid, too. He was mostly afraid for me. He told his sister that he’d never seen me like in floating on air and blissful. Not that I spent my days walking around bitter and resentful and sad and gloomy all the time, but he definitely noticed the spring in my step. He wanted it to be true for me more than for himself, I think. He didn’t want me to get hurt. He liked the sparkle in my eyes.

May 1, 2011 marks the day my life was changed forever because I finally experienced what it felt like to be a Mother. I thought about nursery decorations and how we’d tell special people and when we’d tell them. I thought about finally being able to use the name(s) I picked out so long ago. I worried that everything was ok in my uterus. I had actual symptoms of the pregnancy and not just phantom symptoms that were brought on the extra progesterone and estrogen. I couldn’t eat tomatoes for crying out loud and I was only 4 weeks (2 weeks gestational) along. It was an amazing feeling to know that we had finally succeeded. I was finally pregnant and I was going to be a Mother. The joys I felt cannot be put into words. It was also a relief. We had finally spent our money on something good and not just thrown it out the window. No more trying, no more needles, no more monitoring. Our last ditch effort paid off. I was on top of the world one year ago today.

May 1, 2012 could not be more different. I received an e-mail from my nurse earlier with the good news that our donor will be triggering tonight and retrieval is set for Thursday morning. BJ has to be there with his sample at 10:30 so my guess is that retrieval will be an hour or so after that. That is how it usually worked for us before. Her E2 level is 3986. She has 46 follicles (holy crap!) with 18 of them being measurable between 15mm and 20mm. She must be so uncomfortable right now. I’m hoping that we get at least 12 mature eggs but my guess is that we’ll get around 14 or 15, which is still awesome and plenty to go around. I hope she doesn’t suffer from OHSS. I would feel horrible. My nurse said that the donor has to come back in tomorrow to make sure she did the trigger shot correctly (gulp...that’s scary) and if she did then we are all set. Transfer will either be on 5/6 (day 3) or 5/8 (day 5). There is a small chance that it could be pushed to 5/9 depending on how everything develops. I am to continue my Delestrogen every 3 days and if the donor does the trigger correctly, I will begin my PIO shots tomorrow night. Wow. It’s really here (well, almost). Just a couple of more hurdles until an embryo will again be placed in my uterus. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m a bit scared. I’m giddy. I’m dreamy eyed.

I guess today is not really different than one year ago, is it? The feelings are actually pretty similar. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?

I cannot thank you all enough for being with me on this journey. I have made some pretty good connections and received some great advice and wonderful support. I do not know where my emotions would be if I didn’t have y’all to vent and cry to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for following along. It means the world to me that there are perfect strangers out there willing to help and encourage and cheer me on. I hope that things continue to move forward and that this cycle works and that I get to share a pregnancy journey with you.