Friday, May 28, 2010


It's CD11 and I'm waiting. I'm waiting for some sort of fertile cm. I'm waiting for the tell tale pinching signs of ovulation. I'm waiting for a temp spike to prove that I ovulated. I'm not good at waiting. This is proof that I really need to order some opk's so that I at least know a little bit more about what is going on in my body. Since I have been ovulating at such irregular times lately, I have no clue when it will be this cycle. I guess I will find out after it happens but that doesn't do me much good, now does it?

I started to think that I am ready to consider adoption. Then I changed my mind. Then I changed it back again. I want to be a mother. I want to be a mother to a child that doesn't have another mother. Don't think I don't know how selfish that sounds. I, in NO way, am diminishing the love an adoptive family has within it. I know first hand how strong that bond is. I had 2 friends (twins) in HS that were fostered and then adopted. I love adoption stories. I wish adoption were an easier process and less expensive and less lengthy. I wish I could throw myself into adoption and not look back.

As most of my regular readers know, I'm a step-mom. I love it, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard because he has another mother to love and that takes care of him. I know that an adopted child would be my child and that I would love it as though I birthed it. However, the fear of said child growing up and wanting answers about who he is or where he came from and then seeking out those answers scares the crap out of me. The child knowing that there was someone out there that actually DID birth him means that he knows I'm not his real mom. Grown up adopted children probably don't think that way. They love the people that raised them and call them their parents. But what about school aged children? And what about those dreaded teen years? It's bad enough that I'm waiting for the Little Guy to spit out the words "you're not my mother" as I'm sure he will at some point. But to sit around and wait and dread hearing them from someone that I consider to be my child and only mine (and BJ's of course)? I couldn't' bear it. I'm not good at waiting for things to happen, good or bad. And waiting for the day when my child comes to me and asks about his adoption and if he can find his real mom and dad....well, that would just kill me. I think it's important for an adopted child to know who they are and where they came from. However, I'm selfish enough not to want to live through it myself.

I give major props to families that make it work. Especially open adoption families. I think it's great for them. It's not great for me. Dealing with the Little Guy's mother is enough of a task sometimes. She has the upper hand. She's the mother that carried him for 9 months and took care of him when he was sick and she's the one that is his world. I can't compete with that. I don't even try. As much as I have fought to try and be a mother the last thing I want to do is fight to stay a mother to my child, in his eyes.

I'm scared of adoption. We don't even have the money for it, but I started leaning that way and then quickly leaned back because all of these fears starting welling up inside of me. I know that millions of families are created through adoption and I love that. I know that many mothers are where they are because of adoption. But I'm not there.

I know that millions of people have experienced great fun and exhilaration by bungee jumping....but I won't try it.

So I sit here waiting. Waiting for my body to produce a bad egg that won't get fertilized and if it does fertilize, waiting for it not to implant. Waiting for my time to run out for a pregnancy. Waiting for the end of my TTC road. Waiting to find out where my path will lead me next. Waiting for some sort of answer.

Did I mention that I'm not very good at waiting?

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Happiness Is...

- skipping the gym today! Ok, so I skipped all last week due to being off 2 days and having other things to do at lunch, but skipping today seems like a treat.

- walking over to the farmer's market at lunch today (see above) with one of my friends/co-workers. It's right around the corner and this will be the first time I've actually planned to go and check everything out in my own time. I didn't even know it was there last year until the last day and then I only had about 15 minutes to look around. It's the farmer's market that Michelle Obama started downtown...too cool.

- being invited to our friend's house on Sunday for a cook out/crab feast. We haven't seen them since late last summer because life is busy and they are farther away than our old house and we have gotten lazy with our driving. It will be really good to see everyone, they live right on the river and it's beautiful.

- taking 10 minutes or so to water my plants and flowers when I get home from work. It's quiet outside and warm and I'm by myself. It's a nice way to chill for a few minutes before the chaos of the evening truly begins at home.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Weekend Recap

I did the ICLW post yesterday so today I thought I'd catch everyone up on our weekend. Because I know you are dying to hear about what we did and what we ate and all that good stuff. :-)

BJ and I both took Friday off because our shed was to be delivered. We wanted to clean out the garage so that I can park in there on a more permanent basis and just organize the garage because we've never had one and now we do and we want it to look nice. How's that for a run on sentence? While we were waiting for the shed (and the phone repair guy...that's another story to add to the list of stories about the house) I ran a couple of errands. BJ finished changing the lights in the bathroom and they look great. We need to fill the holes from the old lights but other than that, I love them. He did some odd jobs around the house and I decided to dig up my azaleas and move them to the side of the house. I'm not much on azaleas so I wanted them out of my sight but didn't want to throw them away. I measured 3 holes using BJ's measuring tape and started digging. And I dug...and I dug...and I dug. We must have the worst soil in America. It's mostly clay and of course it's full of rocks because it's a new home site. Not ideal for digging and I hope everything we planted doesn't die in the clay. Anyway, after I dug my carefully measured holes (I'm anal about symmetry) I dug up the azaleas and carried them over. The base was too big for the holes I dug. Just my luck. So I had to enlarge the holes which threw off my symmetry but I eventually got them in the ground. I noticed my arms were a little itchy and I looked down to find red dots all over. Great...I'm apparently sensitive to azaleas the same way I am to Christmas trees. No more moving them or at least I'll be wearing long sleeves. I now have 3 big holes in the front landscaping to fill.

The shed came (finally) and we love it. It's on the opposite side of the yard due to the ground not being quite level but it looks great. It's darker than we thought but we still like it. We got it to match the house...gray siding with black shutters. We were so worn out from the yard work and other things that we didn't put anything in it yet. We had baseball Saturday morning and then we went to a seafood restaurant on the water and ate a dozen crabs. So was our first crab lunch this season. After we ate we went to the local nursery to find some stuff to fill the holes of the missing azaleas. I bought a knock out rose bush and two spireas (sp?) and we bought 2 zinnias and two petunias to go in between the spider plants. I got everything in the ground and then I cleaned the house a little and then it was chill out time. We went down to the neighbors and had a couple cocktails. Sunday morning was all about getting ready for the Pampered Chef party. The party went great and I can't wait to get the stuff I ordered. More people than I expected showed up and it proved to me (BJ) that we really need to get 2 more chairs for the kitchen table and we need to pick out a dining table. But it was nice to have everyone over. I made fruit dip and bought some berries and my guests (and their kids) tore it up and kept raving about it. Once they heard the recipe (lite cool whip and blueberry yogurt) they loved it even more because of how simple it is to make.

Anyway, that was my weekend. I had 3 days off but I feel like I worked the whole time. I'm very happy with the new landscaping and I can actually park in my garage. Plus, I hosted a party for the first time! Yay!

Oh, and since this is a TTC blog....I'm on CD8 right now with no signs of fertility yet. I'm hoping that means I'll ovulate a little closer to mid-cycle this time. We shall see. And thank you to all the ICLW commentors! I love learning about people and following their journeys.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Welcome ICLW'ers!

So sorry this is late going sort of snuck up on me this month.

First I want to thank everyone for the birthday and anniversary wishes. Both days were very nice, even though it sucks getting older...especially when TTC. When I started this journey, I was 24 and now I'm 34 (sheesh!). I started out thinking that I have plenty of time. That is what I would tell people when they asked about my baby plans. Slowly, the time started passing. Then it passed not so slowly and now it seems to just be flying by.

I've been ttc my first child since August of 2000 with my first husband. We never had any good luck and we both checked out fine. He now has 2 little girls and I'm still without, so it's pretty much a guarantee that I was/am the problem. I have had 2 IUI's and an IVF with my new husband and we still have no baby. We also don't have the chunk of change needed for any more treatments. And that, my friends, is the suckiest part of all of this.

So we move on, and we keep trying for a little while longer. BJ (as my husband is known on this blog) is 4 years older than me so he is about to turn 38. He's pretty much reached the end of his rope in the baby makin' journey. He has an 8 (almost 9) year old son and he feels he and the Little Guy are just getting too old. I don't blame him one bit. I didn't want this big of an age gap for me and my child, either. That, and as soon as I hit 35 I'm at the famed AMA that doctors love so much. I think my eggs are already crappy but that has never been proven.

We are just trying naturally right now. I'm temping this month but I forgot (decided to rebel) to order my opk strips to see when I peak. We don't always have the best timing for BD'ing as my husband gets a bit of stage fright when he knows it's "show time" for him and his swimmers. I used to have a great 26 day cycle with ewcm and everything. Since all of treatments last Spring/Summer nothing has been the same. I've ovulated as early as day 10 and have had cycles ranging from 23 to 30 days. It's very frustrating to say the least.

I use this blog to vent, cry, laugh and try to appreciate the good things that I DO have in this life. Like being a step-mom. It's not easy, but I would not give it up for anything. I try to be positive and upbeat but sometimes it's just not possible. I suffer from bouts of depression. I try my hardest to recognize my sinking moments so that I can pull myself up. Again, sometimes it's just too hard and I need a pity party before I can move on. I have found the greatest band of support any infertile (or fertile) girl can ask for on the blogosphere. If you are just a reader and not a writer, try crossing over. You will be amazed at the support and understanding you will receive. I love my blog and my followers as much as I love reading other blogs.

So thanks for stopping by and reading and/or saying hello! I love finding new blogs to follow and new friends to lend support to.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Thanks for the B-Day Gift, AF/Other Stuff

As you can probably guess from my title, AF showed her bitchy face on Tuesday. That means that I had a 25 day cycle. Another "off" month. I guess the norm for me now is just whatever the hell my body wants to do. Stupid body. And stupid AF for showing up on my shopping excursion on my birthday of all days. But it is what it is, right? I was actually pretty hopeful this month because I wanted that big surprise moment when I realized that we weren't paying attention to anything this month and this is THE month that it happened...right at my birthday and our anniversary (today). But of course, this month is no different than any of the other months over the last 9 years. *sigh* The plan is to temp this cycle and get back on track with that. I forgot to order my opk's so I'll just be temping this time around. At least I'll be able to pin point ovulation better.

I did some shopping for the house on Tuesday and spent more money than I should have but I actually bought most things on a pretty good sale. I'm having my pampered chef party on Sunday and I needed to make the house look more "homey" as I have a lot of blank walls right now. I bought a really cool clock for over the fireplace and some pretty things for the mantle. It still needs more, but it's a good start. I also got some pictures to hang in the bathroom and some candle stands and candles for around the big tub. I feel pretty good about my purchases. I will post some pictures of the rooms before and after once we get everything together. My parents have been bugging me for pictures because all they have seen are the empty rooms right before we moved in. There's not much to look at until we decorate and I've been slow to get that done. Partially because of money and partially because of the time it takes to pick things out. Mostly because I get overwhelmed at the stores and don't have any confidence in my taste or my ability to pull a room together.

I have been searching for a new bedspread set for our bedroom for months. I found one that I really like. I was going to buy it because I thought it was on sale but then I couldn't find it on the floor. I asked the sales lady about it and she went to look in the back. Can you believe my luck? They were out of it. Then she tells me that it's going to go on sale Thursday or Friday...for 1/2 off! So I will be taking a walk tomorrow to the store downtown to see if they have it in stock. If not, BJ will be making a trip (he doesn't know this yet) to a mall near his job site to get it for us (ME). I can't wait to get it. The only problem is that part of it is white and that is the area that my beloved kitty lays. I will have to figure out a way to make sure she doesn't dirty the pretty white. I was thinking of getting a white sheet and laying it down each morning and hopefully she'll actually lay ON the sheet and not NEXT to it. Then, if I know people are coming over I can pick the sheet up and they will see only a clean white bedspread. Once I get this bed set I can finish decorating my bedroom. I had originally wanted to do chocolate brown and spa blue (like my master bath) but once I saw this set, I had to have it. I would tell you to look it up online at Macy's (it's the Olivia set) but the colors do not look anything like the online picture. I will post some pictures once the room comes together.

Our shed is getting delivered tomorrow morning. YAY! The 4-wheelers and the lawn mower will be gone and we can actually organize the garage! BJ and I are taking off together to get things straight before the weekend hits and we get tied up with baseball and house cleaning for the party on Sunday. The plan is to do some yard work, too. I want to move the azaleas the builder planted and put something with more color out front. We'll see how far we get.

It's our anniversary today. We've been married for 3 years. We have the Little Guy tonight so we'll be grilling at home. Today is the day we became a family. Not exactly the family I had envisioned, but a family nonetheless. We went out to eat at Outback for my b-day so we decided to eat at home tonight in the interest of trying to save money...since I spent so much on Tuesday. :-)

I'm trying not to dwell on the failure of this cycle. It's not easy when I'm reminded all the time that I'm not a mother. I was watching Cougar Town last week and almost broke out into tears. The tears welled up but they never spilled over. If you watch the show, you'll understand why. Jules' son graduated high school. He was selected to give a speech at the ceremony. The speech was mostly about how great his dad is/was and no mention of the sacrifices from his mother or all the things she has done for him etc. He told her that he wrote the speech like that to make his dad feel good about the father that he was (he is not a good dad and is pretty much a screw up from the top down) and to boost his ego and make him feel like he really helped him (Travis, the son) become a better man. Then Travis says to her that he's glad she understands and that he cherishes the mom she was/is to him and how she is always so great and how much he loves her. They hugged and it stung me like a hot iron. I told BJ that that scene made me sad. He said that it should make me happy. I said to him, "no...I want that". And I do, and I'm afraid I will never have that. I'm afraid I will never have a child love me that much and say those wonderful things about me. I'm afraid there will be no one to know the sacrifices that I'm willing to make. I'm afraid that there won't be a child that will know that I would walk through fire for him/her. A mother/child bond is so strong and I'm afraid I will never get to experience it. And that really scares me. I've always had that to look forward to and now I feel it rapidly slipping out of sight. I HAVE to get pregnant...I just HAVE to.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Happiness Is...

- being off on my birthday (today) and getting to sit on the couch in my jammies in a totally quiet house.

- replanting my pansies this weekend (the pots needed more dirt so that you can actually see the flowers) in freshly painted pots that now match our front door thanks to me getting over my fear of spray painting them.

- my cat greeting me at the door every evening when I come home. I love it when she's there, especially when I've had a rough commute. It all goes away when I lean down to show her some love and she just can't get enough of me.

- finding out that there is a 5 Guys burger joint just 2 blocks from my work! I love their burgers and I had no idea that a new place opened up a couple of months ago. Now I can treat myself to a great burger once in a while.

- logging into my work e-mail and seeing a birthday message from my dad waiting for me. He calls it my Birth Anniversary and he's completely the best dad ever. I love him so much and I miss him and it's so comforting to know that he is in my life...I just wish he lived closer to me so I could cash in on the hug he said he wanted to give me today.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Cycle That Just Won't End

This is by far the longest cycle I have experienced in a very long time. And I don’t mean that the length is long. It’s more like time has decided to stand still. I’m only on CD21 for cryin’ out loud. And, just looking at the calendar, stupid AF is scheduled to show up between my birthday and my anniversary next week. Fun times, I tell ya. Why does she have to ruin everything? And don’t think that I haven’t thought of the possibility that she won’t show. What a great b-day/anniversary present THAT would be. Highly unlikely, but I’m going to live in my fantasy land for a little while longer.

I’m already starting to exhibit signs of her arrival, though. I’m a little weepy (no actual tears, just feeling like I could “go” at any second), a little snippy and starting to get a bit sleepy. I have also noticed my patience is running thin these days. Maybe she’ll show up early since I’m having these symptoms early. That’d be nice. I’d rather her show up before my birthday so that she is gone by our anniversary. Again, fantasy land population – 1.

I’ve been bad on my commenting lately and I have nothing to blame except my job. And it’s not because I’m too busy at work. I’m always a bit busy but I always have time for some quick commenting. They have blocked blogs and personal pages. I don’t know where they get the nerve. I mean seriously, how can I offer my support and my cheerleading if they only give me 10 minute intervals to be on these websites? Sometimes a blog will be opened with half of my comment written for 30 minutes or more while I take time out of my blogging schedule to do actual WORK. :-) I have started writing my entries in Word and then cutting and pasting them to my blog very quickly so that I don’t use up my allotment of time. What a pain. So I apologize for not leaving comments like I normally do. I am reading and I am following along. I don’t spend much time on the computer at home since I sit in front of one all day at work so comments haven’t been flowing like they should from that avenue, either. I will be better...I promise. I like sending little messages to my bloggy buddies.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a very warm and sunny day. Just my kind of day. I can’t wait. I will be skipping the gym tomorrow to do some much needed sidewalk walking and soaking up some vitamin D. As for the weekend, we don’t have much planned. We have baseball Saturday morning and then a b-day party for our nephew Saturday afternoon. I really want to get my hands dirty and plant some flowers and maybe get some edging material for our new landscaping area. It’s supposed to be sunny and in the mid-70’s all weekend so it will be a great time to do some yard work. I would love to get the Little Guy involved as well. I think it’s important that he learn how to work hard and see the work pay off with some beautiful flowers and a sense of accomplishment. It’d be better than playing video games with his dad, that’s for sure. And I might even let him water with my nifty new watering wand thingy. J

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Happiness Is...

- finally getting our landscaping package from the builder! We have a few shrubs and some bushes and some day lillies. I can't wait to add to it. I had sent a pushy e-mail to them because they kept putting us off. When we came home from Ocean City they were there installing our shrubbery!

- my crocs. I live in them in the Summer. They are the most comfortable shoes ever made and I really need to get a couple more colors. I bought these sandals 3 years ago and I literally don't wear any other shoes in the warm weather.

- the Little Guy calling me on Mother's day. I don't think I need to explain how much joy that brought me.

- putting on my capri jeans from last year and having them still fit! Yay for not gaining as much weight as I thought. I DO need to tone up a little, though.

- taking a vacation day for my birthday next week. I hate coming to work on my birthday. I didn't used to but now for some reason I'd rather I'm not. Yay!

Quick Trip Recap

I can’t even begin to tell you how nice it was to get away for a brief trip. I was so worried about the windy, cold weather but it didn’t really bother us. Would we have rather been walking the boardwalk in shorts and sandals...hell yes. But the reality of it wasn’t really so bad. BJ wore long sleeves and I wore a jacket and we were a little chilly at times but the sun was shining the whole time and that really helped to keep us warm. Plus, the hotels and shops on the boardwalk actually helped block some of the wind. We walked and walked and walked some more. We grabbed some lunch and then we went and took a nap. We went to a seafood restaurant within walking distance of the hotel and had a nice dinner. And then we spent a couple of hours in the hotel bar having a few cocktails and playing the Pit Boss (it was on free play so we didn’t even have to spend any money to play all that time!).

The restaurant had some Mother’s day specials, of course. BJ ordered from that menu. We were sitting there and since it was quiet I decided to call my step-mom and wish her a happy Mother’s day. I sent my sister a text and she replied with “you, too (being a step mom and all)”. I showed that to BJ and he said that he didn’t expect the Little Guy to call me and I agreed. And we both agreed that his mother would not remind him to call me. Not 5 minutes later my phone was the Little Guy. I almost burst into tears at the table but I was just so pleased that he called all I could do was smile. Whether or not he needed reminding, he called. I told him that he made my day.

BJ’s dinner special came with a dessert and we split a small slice of chocolate cake. When the waitress came over with our check she brought 2 carnations. I graciously accepted and as soon as she left I proceeded to tell BJ how inappropriate it was for her to bring me the flowers that were part of his dinner special. We did not have a child with us. Why would she do that? She should have just left them in the back room for someone else. This was the only thing that really bothered me the whole day. I told BJ that she didn’t know our circumstances and it was very presumptuous of her to bring the flowers to the table. Whatever.

I thought about Mother’s day a lot, of course. And I figured out why this one bothered me so much more than any of the last 10. I should be a mother this year. This year should have been my year to be a real mom. My baby would have been born the first week of April (assuming I didn’t run past my “expiration date too far”). On our drive home we took an exit off the freeway and all of a sudden the medical building that my IF clinic resides in was staring me in the face. I hadn’t seen it since my negative beta draw last July. I was stunned into silence and then I did the mature thing and flicked it off. BJ said, “no doubt...bunch of con-artists”. And that was it. We passed it and I tried to push it out of my mind.

So all in all, we had a nice time. And the Little Guy called me. And it really did make my day.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Step-Parenting is Hard and Rewarding

As most of you know, I’m a step-mother to my husband’s little boy. He spends 50% of his time with us. I have known him since shortly after he turned 4 years old. He’s almost 9 now. He is a good boy and I love him dearly. He’s easy to love. Everyone loves him. He’s not perfect and as he is getting older and being influenced by friends and TV and just figuring out who he is, it’s becoming more evident that he might be a handful as a teenager.

Being a step-mother is tough in many ways. I was raised by my step-mother and I am encountering many of the things she did as I was growing up. I have come to understand so much about our relationship since becoming a part of BJ’s and the Little Guy’s life. It’s especially hard (for me at least) while TTC my own child.

I love the Little Guy as though he were my own. At least I think I do, since I’ve never had my own. The hard part is that he doesn’t love me as much as he loves his mother. And I know that because I’m a step-child and although I love my step-mom very much, it’s not the same. I try my hardest to be a part of his life and try to guide him and help him become a well rounded, kind-hearted, loving, understanding, forgiving, patient and considerate person. This is not easy when half the time I don’t feel like I’m allowed to steer him in those directions. Of course, BJ wants all of that for his son too, we just have different ways of going about it. I’m often overruled. That leads to issues with me and the Little Guy. He has become accustomed to the fact that if I say no to something, his dad will say yes. I know this is a normal “kid” thing to do, but it still causes friction because there is no punishment for him when he is “caught” playing both sides. He’s not my child so I have less of a say and even less when it comes to consequences for actions deemed unacceptable. I’m waiting for the day when he blurts out to me that I don’t have the right to tell him what to do because I’m not his mother. I know it will happen but I hope I have at least a few more years before it does.

Step-parenting has given me the opportunity to parent. It might be in a very limited capacity, but I still get hugs and kisses and we have our inside jokes and we both root for the same football and hockey teams. I get to take pictures and do scrapbook pages and go to sporting events and carnivals and all the other family things that fertiles get to do. But I still feel like it’s all a sham. When it comes down to it and people ask me about him, I have to say he’s my step-son. And then I get asked if we (BJ and me) have any kids of our own. Of course the answer is always no. And I wonder what they think about that. I wonder if they think I’m way too involved as a step-mother or if they wonder why we haven’t had our own child. I wonder if the Little Guy’s mother resents me in any way for being so involved. I don’t think I could handle another woman being so close to my child if it were me. She doesn’t have a choice, thank goodness, but I still wonder.

When he’s sick his mother will sometimes keep him at her a mother should. Those are the times I feel bitter. I want him with me so that I can take care of him. But he’s not mine and it’s not really my place to try and take over. The mothering gene has always been huge in me and it’s even bigger now that I have a child in my life. It’s so hard to turn it off. I sometimes have to pull myself back and remind myself that I need to ease up and that he’s not mine and I really should not get so attached. But it’s so hard to live like that. I want him to be mine. And I want to give him a sibling because I know he’d be a dynamite older brother.

If something were to happen to BJ (God forbid!) I don’t think the Little Guy would be a part of my life anymore. I don’t think his mother would see the need to shuffle him back and forth between the 2 of us, right? I mean, I’m only his step-mother and he would still have his mother. And if BJ and I were to split (again, God forbid!) I know I’d never see him again. Either of those scenarios scare me to death. I would feel like someone stole my child. But remember...he’s not mine.

I know that many of these issues I have are because I can’t have a child of my own so I over compensate with the Little Guy. His mother knows this and I’m sure she recognizes it. I also hate the fact that she gave BJ this wonderful gift and I can’t give him anything close to that, no matter how hard I try. People have said to me that I’m the best thing to happen to BJ. I have to disagree. Unfortunately, SHE is the best thing that happened to him because she gave him his son. And he loves his son more than life itself. I can’t compete with that.

The Little Guy will not call me on Sunday. He didn’t call me last year. I know he’s only a child, but it still hurts. I know he loves me, he tells me all the time. But it’s not the same. I do not feel hurt by him as he has no idea what emotional turmoil I’m in most of the time. Nor do I ever want him to know that it hurts to NOT be his mother. He’s a sensitive boy and the last thing I want is for him to feel guilty about my inner demons. And he is not to blame for loving his mother the way he does and I never want him to feel bad for that.

I get to have the illusion of being a mother and I get some of the great feelings and happiness that come with it. And then I get a slap in the face when I’m reminded that he’s not mine and I’m not a mother and I’m only a part of this child’s life because his father is married to me.

I don’t know if I have conveyed the mixture of emotions involved in step-parenting while TTC but that was the point of this post. Step-parenting is hard, but great. It fulfills a void but at the same time creates a larger one. It can be a tug-of-war of emotions and trying to find a balance is one of the hardest things I’ve done...and I have to do it every day. It can be exhausting trying to parent and discipline without becoming the evil step-mother. It’s so easy to love this child and hold him near and want to provide the best for him knowing that he might not recognize my love for what it really is...pure and unconditional.

This post has gotten way too long and again, I’m not even sure I accomplished what I set out to do. I will post more about step-parenting in the future in the hopes of connecting with more readers and learning something about this very important job we have and maybe helping someone else out there.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Happiness Is...

- sunshine and 80 degrees! It's been absolutely wonderful here lately. I love, love the warm weather and the sunshine. It makes me smile and that is always a good thing.

- looking forward to Sunday...for probably the first time in a long time. We are going away for Mother's day. BJ's mom passed away when he was 17 and my mother lives in FL and my step-mother lives in MO so there is no need to plan any luncheon or cook out or anything like that. This Sunday is about me and BJ and spending some time away from the rat race known as life.

- discovering how much I like Sun Chips! These chips are wonderful! They aren't the best as far as calories and fat grams, but they have some fiber and some other vitamins (very little, but great for chips) and some whole grains. Plus, they are delish!

- scheduling a Pampered Chef party. I'm excited because I've never had a get together of this nature at my house before. We now have the space to have people over and I'm excited to be a hostess! Plus, I can't wait to see what (if anything) people order so that I can get some cool things for my new kitchen!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Thank you to all of you that responded to my last post! What a wonderful group of readers (and lurkers) I have. You all gave me some very good advice and I appreciate every bit of it. I called a salon to ask about their procedure (but forgot to ask about what kind of wax they use) and was reassured by everything I was told. I was going to go for it but then was shut down because she said that the hair had to be at least 1/4 inch long. Wow...I wasn't expecting that. I'm still going to go through with it. I know it will hurt and unfortunately I hadn't thought about being red and puffy like when people get their eyebrows done. But nonetheless, I'm going to do it. I told BJ about my "landscaping" plan and he was on board until he heard how long the hair has to be. :-) So the plan is to clean myself up right before AF shows up and then let it grow while she is in town and then when she leaves, go to the salon (and hold my breath and maybe cry and scream) and get things taken care of. I need to find out what kind of wax they use there and if they don't use sugar or dry wax then I will see if there is another local place I can go to. Thanks again for all your help with my landscaping ideas! I knew I could count on you guys.

The TTC landscape doesn't look so good this month. I say that because I have no idea what my body is doing this month. Remember, I'm taking a sort of break this temping or POAS of the opk kind. I had one instance of EWCM on Saturday afternoon, CD9. I felt pretty good about it because that is a good day to start seeing fertility signs. BJ and I did our thing Saturday night. I figured I'd be ovulating on CD12 or CD13, like usual. Sunday afternoon I started feeling my left ovary pinching. That would be CD10...again. I ovulated on CD10 a couple of cycles ago. Unbelievable....but at least we got in some BD'ing Saturday night, right? Well then I started feeling the pinching on my right ovary. And while I know it's possible to ovulate from both ovaries without medication, it's never happened to me (as far as I can tell) so then I figured that I wasn't feeling the right kind of ovulation pains and that it must be something else. Bottom line, I don't know if I ovulated or not. I felt a few twinges again yesterday and some pretty sharp ones this morning. I'm going to try to seduce the husband tonight just in case I haven't O'd yet and will actually spit that egg out usual. Keep your fingers crossed.

The landscaping at our house is at a stale mate. We were the first people (of the new houses) to move in and so far, we are the last to get our landscape package. We found out on Friday that the couple that moved in in March got theirs done. BJ was on the phone asap. We just want things done. We don't like to be pests but we want our shrubbery already! The grass is filling in but our house looks so bare without the little flower garden. Plus, I want to plant flowers to really make our house look nice..and give me something to nurture and watch grow, since I'm having such a hard time trying to produce offspring to nurture and watch grow. A message was left to let us know that we are on the schedule for "this week"...whatever. We've been on the schedule for about 3 weeks now. Hopefully when I call BJ this afternoon he will have great news for me.

The get away landscape is looking great! We booked our hotel in Ocean City for Sunday night and will be heading up Sunday morning. We are staying at a place that we have stayed at before. It's nothing fancy but it's ocean front with a balcony and that is important to us. Plus, it's less than $100 with tax. Woo hoo! We are watching the weather closely and are pleased that there is no rain in the forecast. However, the high temperatures are slowly falling into the low 60's. We want to walk the boardwalk and with the ocean breeze it will be quite chilly. As long as there is no rain, we will just bundle up a little bit. Plus, we have each other to keep us warm, right?