Halfway, Enough Already, Anatomy Scan

Is it just me or is this pregnancy flying by?  I am already halfway (over halfway, really) to my due date.  Today marks 20w6d.  It’s amazing to me.  It seems like only last week I was coming out of my bathroom on my birthday holding a (very) positive pee stick and saying “good morning, daddy” to my husband.  I am relishing every single day of this pregnancy.  Even now, as the evening heartburn is getting worse, I’m just so happy to be carrying this child.  Every movement (and there are LOTS now!) and every kick (there have been some doozies) just makes me smile and makes my heart swell with love.  I never knew just how happy being pregnant would make me.  It’s one of those things that you build up in your mind and sometimes it just doesn’t live up to the hype.  Not this.  This has far surpassed all the hype I have built up over the years.  I know that there are complications that could still arise but for the time being everything is better than I ever imagined.  I could not have asked for a more picture perfect pregnancy so far.  Even the queasies, the migraines, the heartburn, the fatigue and the new tendonitis/carpal tunnel have not put a damper on this experience for me.  I know of so many women that have had terrible pregnancies with complication after complication and I feared that it would be like for me (like I said, I’m only halfway so anything can still happen).  I feared that since this was going to be my only pregnancy and getting here was such a fight that I would have to suffer through 9 months of hell.  So far (fingers crossed) it has been just the opposite.  I’m more than thankful and grateful for this opportunity and I hope the good fortune keeps up.

Now for the griping:

Ever since my husband made the funny comment of “if it’s a girl I’m going to send it back” to our neighbors, they have done nothing but pick on him about it.  Every time they see us it’s “oh, how’s the baby girl doing?”  And “when do you find out that it’s a girl?”  And “see what you have to look forward to when your baby girl is born”.  They are not nice about it.  Their tone and their facial expressions are very snide and sarcastic.  The way they say these things makes it seem like having a girl is the end of the world for my husband.   It’s like they can’t wait to see my husband disappointed with his child before it’s even born.  And the kicker is…they have 2 girls!  It’s not my fault that your 18 month old girl cries and fusses and won’t let you eat at a restaurant without screaming her head off.  It’s not my fault that you told my husband weeks ago that if you knew she would act that way you wouldn’t have had her.  Yes, my husband wants a boy.  HE’S a boy and he already has a boy so he knows what to do with a boy.  He’s not into pink and dresses and dolls.  However, my husband’s first concern is that we have a healthy child and that our dream comes true to parent a child together.  The day before our anatomy scan they were on their porch and we had been outside.  They called over to us with a “so what time tomorrow do you find out it’s a girl?”  We tell them and we walk over to talk to them.  The husband said something else to my husband and I about lost it.  BJ started talking to the wife and I looked dead at the husband and said, (in a not nice voice with a not nice look on my face) “you know, he’s still going to love it if it’s a girl.”  And he smiled strangely and said, “I know.”  And then I continued with “and he’s NOT going to be disappointed if it’s a girl.”  And he said, “he’s not?”  I said, “no” and I looked away.  I couldn’t look at him in the face anymore for fear of punching him in it.  Just then another neighbor was driving by and she stopped briefly to talk to me so I was able to remove myself from the volatile situation that was brewing.  I like these people and I think they are good people but for the love of God, stop trying to diminish my child’s life.  Later BJ told me that the husband told him that he made me mad.  BJ told him that I was tired of getting such a hard time about the possibility of it being a girl (and to set the record straight, it’s not about it being a girl it’s about THEM hounding us about how awful it would be to have a girl).  Then BJ told me that I needed to chill because they were just kidding around.  I said, “I will not chill about this.  Having a girl is not bad.  They are making me feel like you will be disappointed in your child and no mother EVER wants to feel like the father of her baby is upset because of the gender which is completely out of our control.”  He sort of understood where I was coming from when I explained it that way.  I probably am over reacting but in their kidding of my husband they were making me feel like crap.  I was almost in tears a couple of times because of things they said that were negative about girls.  Maybe it was done just to get a rise out of BJ but it really hurt MY feeling to hear it all.  Anyway, have any of you mamas out there ever encountered something like that?

Now for the fun stuff:

Our anatomy scan was Friday morning.  We drove up separately because we each had to work afterward.  I was nervous, of course.  Mainly for the health of our baby.  I had felt it move here and there so I knew it was alive but that’s all I knew at this point.  I hopped up on the table and the wand was on my stomach and in no time we heard the beating heart.  It was 149bpm which concerned me because a week ago it had been 157.  The tech said it was fine.  There on the screen was a HUGE (compared to 12 weeks) baby’s head.  I fell in love all over again.  Measurements were taken and everything looked good.  We got a really good picture of the feet side by side and some good profile pictures, too.  And then it was switched over to 4D and oh my gosh…the baby was beautiful.  The hands were by its face and it looked like it was posing for the picture.  The tech had a hard time getting the arm and hand measurements because the baby wouldn’t move its hands away from its face.  Then we saw the baby holding its own hand…I melted again.  Then came the gender reveal.  Now let me say this; I’ve always thought it was going to be a girl.  Anyone that has ventured a guess has guessed a girl.  I’ve told BJ numerous times that he better be prepared to hear that it’s a girl.  When the money shot came up on the screen I didn’t even need the tech to tell me because I saw the 3 white lines myself.  We are having a baby girl.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  The tech handed us the pictures and went to get the doctor.  I started crying as I looked at the pictures.  I said to BJ, “I hope I’m a better mom to my girl than my mom was to her girls.”  And he said, “Uh, you are not dancing on a pole, doing drugs and getting involved with men that treat you like crap.”  And I said (through happy tears), “I meant emotionally”.  And he said, “you are way better off emotionally than you mother.”  I couldn’t stop crying.  I am going to write a whole post on my thoughts about having a girl but for right now I just have to say how excited I am.  The doctor came in and took a look and in those few short minutes baby girl decided to show us that she wants to be a gymnast.  Up on the screen was a picture of her legs bent all the way forward until her toes were tickling her forehead!  We all busted out laughing.  The doctor was trying to coax her into putting her toes in her mouth.  It was hysterical.  My baby girl is quite the character already.  As we looked at the 4D picture again I told BJ that she has his mouth.  He doesn’t see it but he did say that the way she was posing means that she’s already prissy.  We laughed about that, too.  It was a great appointment that ended with me feeling very emotionally overwhelmed but extremely happy and grateful.  She’s healthy (as far as anyone can tell) and she’s measuring exactly with our due date and she’s funny and she’s the light of my life.  Now if we could only find a name for her.

Sharing

I think I have mentioned this before but just in case anyone is wondering, I do not share well. What’s mine is pretty much mine and I don’t like to give it up...in any way shape or form. This does not include things like trying my dinner at a restaurant, sharing the covers or sharing a bottle of water with my husband. It’s more on a larger scale (or at least that is what I tell myself). Things like the candy in MY Easter basket is mine, right? Same goes with any present that I was given...it’s MINE. It sounds terrible and I’ve gotten better but I still don’t like to share. I hate it when someone sits at my desk on a day when I’m out; things like that.


When I was growing up I had a little brother that was 8 years younger than me. I think this is where my sharing issue comes from. I didn’t want him in my room because he would touch my stuff and it would end up broken or messed up or something. Not that I didn’t love my little brother or like to be around him, he was a toddler and he messed things up and I didn’t like it. My last post let you know how I love my things and how I like to take care of them and be careful with them. My little brother...not so much. I can almost always tell when something of mine has been moved; whether it’s on my desk at work or somewhere at home...If it’s not where I left it or where I think it should be, look out. I am going somewhere with this, thank you for your patience.

It’s so hard to share the Little Guy. I know I’ve been over this 100 times but sometimes the sharing really gets to me. He played in the Little League championship game last night (against his cousin) and they won! It was great. During the last few games of the season and through the playoffs (last night was game 3 of the playoffs) I have been sitting with another mom (the coach’s wife) and chatting and getting to know her better. I really like her. She’s my age, she’s a school nurse and she doesn’t take any crap from her kids or anyone else’s kids. She’s very into sports and that is enough for me to like her right there. We have been stressing together and cheering together and just basically being the CMS (Crazy Mom Section) at these last few games. Before sitting with her I would sit either by myself behind the backstop (I like to see if the pitches are really strikes :-) ) or with Other Woman (Little Guy’s mom). It’s been fine...until I started sitting with Jenny (Coach’s wife). She makes the games more fun because I have someone that is really paying attention with me and we are trying to calm each other’s nerves when one of our boys are either pitching or up to bat (she has 2 boys on the team).

At last night’s game, Other Woman sat with us. Not a big deal. The louder we all could be the better...the more exciting the game would be. We even had signs that another parent printed up. The LG hit a double off his cousin and subsequently got 2 RBI’s...I went nuts! He hasn’t had a great hit in quite a few games and he was due. The chatting and cheering continued and then the game was over. It was OW’s night to have the LG and the team was going to get ice cream afterward. BJ was starving and so was I as there is no time for dinner until after the game so I hadn’t eaten since lunch and it was almost 8:00. OW took LG to join the team. I was disappointed but it was fine. Until this morning.

I received an e-mail from OW asking for Jenny’s e-mail address. They got to talking at the ice cream place and meant to exchange addresses but forgot. I know this sounds petty and totally like Jr. High, but dammit, can’t I even have a “mom” friend without having to share her, too? I am not friends with any of the LG’s friends’ mothers and this was my chance, my IN...And now it’s time for OW to swoop in and take it from me. She knows a lot of the parents because she is able to go to the functions at the school during the day and she goes to his classroom for special events. She should, she’s his mother. Here was my chance...Jenny lives in our neighborhood so she’s just up the street...it was perfect. I could have a “mom” friend and we could get the boys together and hang out every now and then. Like I said, I know it’s petty and pathetic. I’m a grown up and I should stop acting so childish, but I can’t help it. I actually almost started crying when I read her request this morning. Can’t I just have anything that is just mine anymore? Do I have to share everything that deals with the LG? And now for the most childish statement out there...It’s just not fair.

I’m as petty as they get today and I just don’t care.

Changes All Around

Friday was a really hard day for me.  It was my boss's last day.  I was an emotional mess to say the least.  My entire work life has changed.  I tried to have a conversation with her about my new boss and what my concerns were and I couldn't even speak.  The emotions were running too high.  I was on the verge of tears all day.  It came time for me to leave and she had someone in her office.  Neither of us wanted to say good-bye.  It was good that I was running late for my bus and that she had someone in with her.  We hugged, cried and tried to say something to each other but the only things coming out were tears.

The staff gathered together for cupcakes and stories and good-byes.  Of course, my cell phone started ringing in the middle of everything.  I ran out of the room to answer my nurse's call.  She said that my calendar had changed just a little bit.  I will now be on bcp for only 14 days.  I have an appointment on 4/2 for u/s and b/w.  As long as everything is ok, I will start my microdose Lupron (20 units) on 4/4 every 12 hours.  I will do this for 2 days.  On the third day I will start my FSH injections and my Menopur.  I will do this for 3 days and then return to the office for monitoring.  Further dosing instructions will follow after that appointment.  They have a tentative ER set for 4/17 and a tentative transfer date of either 4/20 or 4/22.

This changes my timeline a lot....of course if all goes as planned.  And I know from experience that things don't usually go as planned for me.  We shall see.  If we could do an ER on 4/17 that would be awesome because it's a Sunday and no one would have to miss work.  And if by some miracle we make it to a 5 day transfer that would be Good Friday and I'm already off that day.  BJ wouldn't go with me for the transfer so he wouldn't have to miss any work.  Another reason to root for a 4/17 ER is that we have the Little Guy that weekend but we could arrange for him to stay at his cousin's Saturday night and then just pick him up on our way home and no one has to be any wiser on what we are doing.  It all sounds good, right?

So there I was, feeling very excited about my cycle starting and very sad about my boss leaving...it was a very conflicting afternoon indeed.

Our neighbors had their baby on 3/14.  These are the neighbors that had been trying for quite a while for #3 and that I spilled my guts to last Spring about our IF woes.  I went to her shower last month.  We kept meaning to go over and see the baby but we have been really busy.  The one time we were really ready to go over there both mommy and baby had just fallen asleep.  Anyway, they popped over to our house yesterday evening.  I wasn't prepared for that...I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner.  The dad had the baby and when I stepped up to look at her he handed her to me.  She is the spitting image of her father...no joke.  She's cute and small and wriggly.  Here's the strange part...I didn't really feel anything when I held her.  I wasn't sad, I wasn't bitter, I wasn't excited, I wasn't filled with hope...nothing, nada, zilch.  I just talked to her and touched her little nose and tried to stop her from gouging out her own eyes.  This is a change for me.  I usually avoid holding babies...especially ones that are not family.  I don't think I have held a newborn since our niece was born almost 4 years ago.  I wasn't filled with the "wanting to eat you up" syndrome either.  It was very strange.  I felt very detached and unaffected.  I'm worried about what that means for me.  I don't know if that means I have given up hope or that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  Maybe it means my heart is starting to heal and accept that I won't have a baby of my own.  That can't be it because I got tears in my eyes when I typed that sentence.  My heart has accepted no such thing.  At least not yet.

I have a meeting with my new boss at 2:00 today.  I have some questions and I hope I can come out of there feeling a little less lost.  There's so much change happening around me that I'm having a hard time keeping up.  I need to find a way to relax and release the stress so that my body is ready for this IVF project.  I don't want to look back and have regrets and wonder what would have happened if I had just "relaxed" a little.  I know the word "relax" can be an Infertile's least liked word, but I've seen proof recently that relaxing might actually play a roll in this stupid game.

Things I Have Learned Recently

- it's better (for me) to travel with just my husband and not another couple.  It's too difficult to figure out what everyone wants to do and keep everyone happy.  Especially when, in my opinion, there should be some alone time for each couple.  We traveled to Atlantic City with our neighbors.  It was fine, but not great.  I told BJ that we need a real vacation.

- above mentioned neighbor never ceases to surprise me with her parenting ways.  All of her kids are in their early 20's.  She said that the first night she had her son at home (her first born) she woke up at every noise he made and so she decided that it was time for him to sleep in his own room.  I know there are plenty of parents that do this and I don't judge you at all.  The tone of her voice was what threw me for a loop.  It was as if her sleep were more important than making sure her kid was ok.  She didn't even have a monitor to listen to him...she said if SIDS is going to happen it's going to happen no matter where they sleep.  While this may be true, I have heard and read that listening to mom and/or dad breath can help "remind" the infant to keep breathing.  Maybe I'm being too hard on her, after all, she was not an infertile so maybe the panic of maybe-my-happiness-will-be-taken-away-from-me-if-I-don't-guard-it-to-the-fullest-extent-possible did not plague her every thought.

- I really hate winter.  We have had 3 wonderful days (60's to near 70's) scattered over the last 2 1/2 weeks and then it jumps right back into the 30's.  Yuck.  I'm so over Winter.

- I like going to a comedy show with my husband.  We saw a show in Atlantic City and we both laughed a lot.  It was the best thing we did.

- the Little Guy's mother needs a lesson in paying attention.  We had him last Thursday night and then not again until last night because of our trip.  He took a shower yesterday morning because she forgot that he hadn't had a shower since last Thursday.  Disgusting.

- it's nice not peeing on opk's and taking my temperature.  And to tell you the truth, it has helped me to relax a bit.  I know that the IVF is around the corner so I'm not going to stress about opk's right now.  And I will let you in on a secret...I don't even know what cycle day I'm on.  Can you believe that?  That hasn't happened in, well, years.

- while it may seem like a good idea to plan a trip when your boss is going to be out of town, don't be surprised if everything changes while you are gone....like the out of town boss was really in town because the meeting was moved locally.  My boss is retiring, I think I've mentioned that before, and her end date was pretty open ended....late March, early April.  That gave me time to fit in my IVF with lots of understanding because she, too, was an infertile.  Well, she was given her end date while I was out of town...March 18.  Egads!  That's only 2 weeks away...and well before my IVF!  Our 2nd in command is being named acting director and I have no idea what that means for me.  He's a man...a man that practically lives at work and thinks everyone else should too.  I really hope this doesn't add a myriad of stressors (I don't think that's a word) to my IVF cycle.

- I love my iPhone...I was able to read quite a few blog posts while I was away and that helped me to keep up with all my bloggy buddies.  I didn't have a chance to comment but I was reading!

- I'm really bummed about my boss leaving.  I've been on the verge of tears since I learned her actual departure date.  I've only ever had one boss in the last (almost) 11 years...this is going to be very tough on me.

- I need to make a real commitment to fitness.  I'm hating my jiggling body and now is the perfect time to try and lose a few pounds and tone up a little bit before the IVF.  As we all know, those meds can really mess with a girl's body.

Those are just some of the things I've learned recently.  I'm sure there are more but those are the standouts.  I hope everyone is having a good week.

Busy Times

This might get long so I apologize in advance.  This is how my weekend went...starting with Friday afternoon.

I made a bikini wax appointment for 3:45 on Friday at the local place that I can walk to.  I split my lunch hour in 2 parts to accommodate this appointment.  I got there on time and was told she was running a few minutes late.  I am supposed to leave work at 4:30 so I thought that this would be no problem.  I waited until 4:02 and then had to leave.  I still had a couple of other things to do before I got off work.  On my way back to my building I called the salon in my town and was lucky enough to get a 9:00am appointment.

Saturday morning I rushed to get to the salon by 9:00 (I was snuggling with my honey) in the rain.  They couldn't find me on the schedule.  Someone put me in for the next Saturday.  So they asked if I could come back at 11:00.  No problem.  I rushed to the bank then rushed to the grocery store.  When I shop for things I don't normally buy it takes longer to find everything.  I rushed home, unloaded and put away all the groceries and rushed back to the salon.  I got my wax and was on my way.  Then it was home to eat breakfast with my family.  I rushed through my meal and started cleaning.  We were supposed to have BJ's sister and her family over for dinner.  They have respiratory issues so whenever they come over I try really hard to make it a very clean environment more than just my regular cleaning on Saturday morning.  I start cleaning and send the Little Guy off to clean his bathroom and BJ decides it's time to put up the office curtains (which look awesome, BTW).  By the time everything is cleaned and hung, it's almost time for lunch.  As I'm starting to prepare the lasagna (so that I can just pop it in the oven when we get home) BJ is making sandwiches for us.  We eat and then I finish with the lasagna and cover it and set it in the oven.  By that time, it's time to go to the basketball game.  The Little Guy was burned by his cousin on a couple of plays but his team ended up winning so it was all good.  They all came over and we had a lovely dinner and visit (there's more to share but it will have to be in another post) and they left around 9:00.  I was D.O.N.E. by that time.

Sunday morning was less hectic but then things picked up again.  We went to 5 Guys for "brunch" and then made a stop at the store for a few things.  The hockey game came on at 12:30 and I watched the first period on the couch.  After that it was time to start the prep of our superbowl food.  We had chili dogs, a nacho casserole, Asian chicken wings, onion dip, fruit dip and strawberries, salsa and chips and I baked cookies for dessert.  People started showing up at 5:00!  I was still making food so it was a little stressful.  By the time the last couple showed up (3 couples and 2 children in all came to our party) it was time to eat.  So we ate and then I cleaned up and got the dessert out and we watched a great game and some really cool commercials and then everyone finally left at 10:15.  I still had a little cleaning up to do and then the LG had to get in bed.  BJ and I sat on the couch for about 15 minutes and then finally headed to bed at 11:00.  The party was a big success and everyone enjoyed themselves.  There wasn't too much "baby" talk from the pregnant neighbor so that was good, too.

BJ told the trip neighbors that we aren't able to go right now.  There are just too many things up in the air and we really want a pool to enjoy all the time.  They were bummed but they understand...and they are still going so it's not like they don't get to go either.

I haven't had a weekend that busy in a long time. I wish the superbowl was on Saturday or Presidents Day weekend so that we could have Monday off. Ugh, I'm tired.

Ramblings

We are now less than a week away from our appointment.  BJ said to me last night that it can't get here quickly enough.  There are several things up in the air right now that are hinging on whether or not we move forward with the shared risk program.  The trip is one of those things.  As is a pool.  A pool is something we both have wanted for a very long time.  We picked our lot based on the backyard.  BJ has given up his dream of an in ground paradise pool since he learned how expensive it was going to be.  He has thrown himself into finding a nice enough (by his terms) above ground pool that will "do".  We know that we will enjoy a pool for years to come.  The trip will leave us with great memories (hopefully) but it will be over in a week.  We have not gotten our taxes done yet, either.  Not because we are lazy but because we are still waiting for his W2's.  His company is always late with them and it drives me crazy.  Once we get our taxes done we will know better where we stand with our plans.  Unfortunately, it looks like the trip will have to be scratched from our plans.  We can't have EVERYTHING, right?

In the mean time we are dealing with the Little Guy getting another cold.  He came home early on Wednesday and I stayed home with him yesterday.  He slept very late and then just chilled for the day.  He's on the mend and I hope his mother puts him to bed at a decent hour tonight so that he can continue to get well.  She has a habit of letting him stay up until 12:00 or 1:00 in the morning when he doesn't have school.  Makes me (and BJ) crazy.  Not to mention the affect on the LG.  But that is a post for another day.  He has a basketball game tomorrow afternoon and he's playing against his cousin.  How he feels and how well he is will determine if we have them all over for dinner tomorrow night.  I hope they come over, I'm going to make lasagna for everyone.

The pregnant neighbor is having a baby shower.  This is her 3rd child but I guess since the youngest is 6 they figured this was ok.  I actually bought something for her and I might even go.  I don't want to but I don't have a real reason not to.  I was joking with the LG when the invitation was delivered and I told him that I think I'm busy that day and that I don't normally go to baby showers.  He said, "I bet I know why you don't want to go."  And I asked him to enlighten me.  And he said, "because you want one."  And I said to him "you're right, that could be why I don't want to go".  He's a smart cookie.  This was not an "oops" baby, but still.  I have not been to a baby shower in years and I'm not looking forward to it.

We are having the neighbors over (yes the pregnant one) on Sunday for the Big Game.  The other neighbors (the childless ones that I think can't have kids) have other plans.  Rick and Leslie (the trip neighbors) said they will probably stop by.  A small crowd is nice.  And it's less food I have to make.  I know I will be staring at her belly the whole time, hoping she doesn't see me.  She's 34 weeks so there is no hiding it.  It's like a car wreck...you don't mean to stare but you can't help it.

I Hear Her Knocking...I Think

I think ugly old AF is knocking. My temps have been slowly declining and today the boobs are sore. I don't have the other symptoms just yet, but the boobs are a pretty good indicator of things to come. It's CD26 so it's about time for her to show up. Dumb witch.

The Caps Convention was spectacular. I could have stayed another 3 hours but BJ doesn't like crowds and he's not as into hockey as I am so we cut it short. I was disappointed, but it's all good. I stood in line for about 45 minutes to get Peter Bondra's autograph and I was 2 rows back when they pulled him and made him go to another panel event. I followed him at break neck speed and tapped him on his arm right before he was unreachable and asked if he could sign just one more. He was so nice, he did it and he apologized that he had to leave. It was AWESOME. He is the main reason I am a hockey fan. I was star struck! It's probably a good thing BJ and the Little Guy were standing in a line where they couldn't see me because chasing a hockey player (walking really fast) is not behavior that would have been smiled upon. :-) The Little guy participated in a few of the children's activities...he took a shot on goal with Slapshot (the mascot) tending net, he dressed as a goalie and got pelted with some hockey balls, he took the slapshot challenge and then tried to score a long shot. He's never held a hockey stick in his life so he was a little awkward with it, but he did fine for a first timer. I told BJ that just the Little Guy and I would be going next year and he said that was fine. He's just not into crowds (even though it really wasn't that bad) so I know I'd enjoy myself much more if I didn't have to worry about him getting pissy about standing in line for things. All in all, though, it was a BLAST! I am so ready for hockey season.

After we got home we all went over to Mary's and Steve's house for a Fall Bash they were having. Two of the 3 pregnant neighbors were there. One of them, April, I hadn't met yet. She was the "honeymoon" baby lady. I wanted so badly to not like her, to not even talk to her. Much to my chagrin, I liked her a lot and we talked quite a bit. She's 2 or 3 years older than me and was very pleasant. Of course, I had to stop myself from staring at her belly so much but I enjoyed hanging out with her. BJ could tell I was having a hard time so he didn't ask about the baby at all. Then after we got home, I told him how hard it was for me and it's even harder now that I like her. He said he knew and that he was sorry. He also said that he's not ready for me to go on bcp any time soon. This topic deserves its own post, but as you know, I had set a deadline for myself of my 35th birthday...a short 7.5 months away. I'm glad he thinks that now, but like I said, I need to write a post about this very soon. I have lots to get out and it helps me sort things out to type them here.

Sunday was a chill out day. The Little Guy's mother came and got him early to take him to the fair that we didn't get to take him to due to the rain and so it was just the 2 of us after he left. We went and got 5 Guys for lunch (yummy!) and then took a short nap and headed to our local bar to watch the 'Skins game. It wasn't a good performance by our offense, but we pulled out the win and knocked the "dog killer" (as my neighbor Mary would say) out of the game. We ordered the meatloaf special to go and headed home after the game.

All in all, it was a good weekend. Now I feel that AF is coming to ruin my mood. Damn her. Between her and all this rain and cold weather I feel my mood slipping away anyway. The only thing good about the cool temperatures is that we put the big comforter on the bed last night and snuggled to keep warm. Can't complain about that.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Hello to any new readers and those just stopping by to say "hi". You can learn a little about my journey on my side bar over there but here is a quick recap:

I'm 34 years old and I've never been pregnant. I started trying with my first husband when I was 24. No luck and lots of tests and tears and frustration later, and I'm still trying with my new husband. We've been married just over 3 years and threw out the bcp a little over 4 years ago. We've been through 2 IUI's and an IVF. I have the elusive "unexplained infertility". My husband has a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship. I call him the Little Guy here. Although, he's not so little anymore. He's 4'8"! I'm only 5'2"...he'll be over my head before I know it. We have him at our house 50% of the time. Being a step-mom is tough and I have begun telling that story a little more here. It also, for me at least, is super tough when TTC a child.

I have bouts of depression. I work through them as best I can. My blog helps me with this in many ways. I try to stay positive and keep things light around here, but it doesn't always end up that way. Putting things down in writing helps me deal with the challenges that IF has brought into my life. I have really bad days and then I have some pretty good days. I try to point out (to myself, mainly) the good things that I have in my life and that usually translates into a "Happiness Is"....post. I haven't done one in a while and I need to get back to it. Work is crazy and I don't blog much (or at all) from home.

Right now I'm in the middle of a cycle. I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday or late Monday. Although, with the ovary pain I was feeling yesterday evening and last night, I think it's a fair guess to say that it happened yesterday. That, and I did the opk again yesterday mid morning and I was still surging. BJ (my husband's name here) and I did the deed Monday night...our best timing (that I can tell) in a while. Fingers crossed that I can get this Miracle Baby conceived!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday afternoon when a co-worker went into my boss's office. He said to her "I got the green light from my wife to spread the news...we are 4 1/2 months pregnant!" He then went on to say that they waited extra long to tell people because he's 40 and she's 37 and they wanted to make sure that everything was normal. It is and so now he's telling folks. Lovely. And as if that weren't bad enough, many of my readers will remember the Honeymoon Baby from a set of neighbors that were "pleasantly surprised" by their pregnancy. Then I was hit with the people right next door to us expecting a March baby. They hadn't been using any b/c for over a year and now they are pregnant with their 3rd child. Drum roll please....another set of neighbors is having a baby. A couple that we met at the Little Guy's baseball game is pregnant. She has a boy that is 7 and a girl that is just over a year. He has an older son, mid-teens or so. And now they will have a baby of their own. BJ came in last night from washing his truck and told me that Jack, the neighbor, stopped by and gave him the news. Jack said (and this is what BJ said the last time), "there must be something in the water in this neighborhood." And then BJ said to him, "well, TeeJay sure hopes so." So now he knows that we can't get pregnant. You know those signs people put on their windows so that firefighters know you have a cat or a dog that they will need to save in case of a fire? Well, I think I'm going to get one that says "An Infertile Lives Here" and maybe people will quit sharing all their happy news. I'm just bitter because it was 2 announcements in one day. I am happy for the people, just sad for me and BJ.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by. If you are new to the blogging world, I highly recommend it. I have found a great group of women that share in my happiness and my misery and it has helped me so much. Reading blogs really lets me know that I am not alone and that there really are people out there that understand. I hope you have blessed day!

Not Sure What to Think

You know how I thought I ovulated on Monday and then I thought I ovulated on Wednesday? I'm not sure I ovulated at all. I got the positive OPK late Saturday night and it was still positive (no the same strip) Sunday morning. That is why I figured Monday was the big O day. That and my physical signs pointed that way, too. Until Wednesday. I didn't get my temp spike and I was oozing (sorry, tmi) watery cm. I was also feeling some pinching in the left ovary. Ok, so that would mean that the temp spike would come this morning, right? Wrong. Maybe it's my thermometer, the battery is a little low. Or maybe I don't have enough progesterone in my body to make my temp spike. Or maybe I never actually ovulated.

My head is spinning. I can't believe that my reliable body has been letting me down so much this passed (past? I'm never sure which word to use) year. I'm still having some ovary pain and that would signal to me that I have a cyst. Nothing new for me but a cyst usually develops after ovulation. My temperature has not signaled that I ovulated.

I tried to buy a battery for the thermometer today but the drugstore didn't have the right size. I bought a new thermometer. I hope it works correctly. We'll see, I guess. Nothing to do but sit around and wait. Isn't that what we infertile girls do best? NOT.

We are shopping for a dining room table this weekend. I really hope we can find something and agree upon it. I'm also hoping to NOT spend a fortune. November is getting here fast and we need a table for Thanksgiving! Ack!

Our neighbors, Rick and Leslie, are having a party Saturday night. It's a combination 50th b-day party for Rick, a deck opening and a "hooray we finished our basement" party. It should be fun. Especially since neither of us have to drive and we can leave whenever we want. That's the part I like. Since I won't be drinking, I can just leave BJ there to enjoy himself and go home to bed. That's my kind of party. :-) Well, I might have one drink. Leslie makes really good drinks that don't contain much alcohol (unless you wan it to) and let's get real here, folks. The likelihood that I have a fertilized egg in me (from Monday or Wednesday or never) is slim to none. So I won't feel bad about having a drink.

Sunday will hopefully be a day of laundry, brief cleaning and sitting on the deck getting some sun. It's supposed to be wonderful this weekend, just like today. Mid 80's and low, low humidity...perfect.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Another One

When it rains it pours and apparently, it's raining like crazy in my neighborhood. While we were waiting for our pizza that was in the oven, our neighbor down the hill, Rick, came to pick up his plant that we were watering while he and his wife (girlfriend, really) were on vacation for 2 weeks. While we were on the porch chatting, Steve, the neighbor right next door to us came out and everyone was talking. I came in to check on the pizza and BJ bursts into the front door to come and get something and blurts out to me...."yeah, so Kim's pregnant". WHAT?? Yes, the neighbors that I wrote about here have conceived their 3rd child. She's due on 3/17. I completely lost my appetite and started crying when BJ was safely back outside with the guys. Why my husband thinks it's ok to just blurt these things out to me 2 seconds after he hears them I will never understand. Then he thinks it's ok to joke about it by saying things like "Maybe you need to drink more of the water from around here, it's obviously in the water." The man has no sympathy tactics. He wasn't raised with any, obviously.

I can ignore the other pregnant lady on the cul de sac because I don't talk to her anyway or see her much. However, Kim and I talk and see each other frequently. This sucks. It's times like these that make me want to just quit. I don't have much time left for trying anyway, so why bother stressing myself out? Of course, I will keep trying for now, but good grief...when will it be my turn? For most of the time that BJ and I have been together and trying I haven't really had to deal with other pregnancy announcements. Now it seems like they are happening every other week around us. And of course the announcements do nothing but upset me and BJ just shrugs them off. I know it would be different if he didn't have the Little Guy. He'd be much more willing to try ANYTHING to get pregnant. And he'd be just as upset as me upon hearing these announcements.

I was just getting things back on track as far as my overall mood and then this happens. I'm completely bummed about it and now I will have a newborn right next to me next spring...when my baby(ies) should be turning a year old (from my failed IVF). Life is grand, no?

It Doesn't Get Easier

As hard as I may try, it doesn't get any easier to go on month after month and keep up the faith and the hope. It's hard for so many reasons but mainly because I know the outcome. It's hard to get passed the fact that I've been trying to get pregnant for over 9 years. And in those 9 years I've had regular periods, ewcm, temperature spikes. I know that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. Well, except for the not getting pregnant part. The only explanations are either bad eggs, crazy unknown hormone issues or a lining issue. Knowing that doesn't make things easier.

As many of my regular readers know, we moved into a new house in a new development last December. Other than the people right next to us, no one on the cul de sac has children. It's odd because you would think that a cul de sac would be ripe for families and those planning on families. That's why we picked a lot there. The first people to live on the cul de sac are older than us and I've only spoken to the husband, Paul once or twice. I have waved to the wife, April as she walked her dogs. There are more dogs in our circle of houses than kids, funny, I just realized that. Anyway, Paul and April just got married in March. One of them has a son that goes to college. And when I say goes, I mean that he lives at college. BJ was watering the lawn yesterday and talking to the lady right next door to us, Kim. Paul came by with the dogs. Kim asked why she/we haven't seen April out and about lately like we used to. I was inside and BJ tells me all of this when he comes in. Paul's answer...."April's pregnant. It's not something we planned for right now...not that we weren't going to try. But we weren't expecting it this soon. She's due in December so it's basically a honeymoon baby. She's been really sick and having a very hard time of things lately." And I said to BJ, "of course she's pregnant...I mean they just got married in March, right??" And then I told him that it never gets easier to hear these announcements. He agreed with me. I wish he wouldn't have told me. I wish that I would have just seen her with a belly down the road. Oh well.

And to make matters worse...Kim knows of BJ's and my struggles with IF. Not all the nitty gritty but I told her that we tried and failed with IUI's and an IVF. So when she stops by to get her son (he didn't want to walk with her so he hung out with us) she blurts out Paul and April's news. As if my own husband weren't going to tell me, she felt the need to let me know. How f'ing sweet of her.

In cycle news....I'm not temping this month. Things haven't gotten off to a good start so I threw it out the window for this cycle. I had some ewcm yesterday, which is odd because it was only CD7 so I decided to test with an opk today. It was negative. Ovulation should occur this weekend....of course we have the Little Guy so who knows what will happen in our house as far as sexy time goes. I'm going to try and get some tonight (sounds very frat boy, doesn't it) so at least if it happens early, I'll be covered.

I will post about our new kitten, Gizmo, either tomorrow or early next week. He is one of the reasons my temping is not happening...he likes to keep me awake at night.

I will try and return to my normal blogging pattern very soon. I'm just still not feeling quite like myself. I appreciate each and every one of your comments and it's comforting to know that you are out there. Ya'll are great.

Weekend Recap

I've been so busy at work that I haven't had time to post anything and I hate it when that happens. I'll give everyone a quick run down of the last week and then get in to my strange cycle that I'm experiencing.

- We had the Little Guy Friday night so I drove to work that day in order to get home and chill out with my guys a little earlier than usual. As soon as I come in the house BJ's phone rings. It's the neighbor at the bottom of the hill inviting us to dinner at the Japanese Steakhouse. I didn't want to go because it's very expensive (basically $21 a person) and I had JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR. But we went. Never mind the fact that I paid our mortgage that day and had planned on getting a pedicure that weekend. Dinner was fine and we had a good chef and the food was good, but we spent $80 with tip! For 3 people to eat Chinese food basically. Unreal. No pedi for me so now I am way over due and have to wait until next pay day (tomorrow).

- We had workers at the house Saturday morning and now I have a huge hole in my dining room wall. I really need to post about this house situation but I hate to complain about something I love so much.

- We took the Little Guy shoe shopping after the workers left. Tell me, how many 8 year olds get to decide what shoes they will and won't wear? This is one of those step-parenting moments where I wish I were the mother because he would wear whatever shoe fit and I bought for him, within reason of course. BJ let him call the shots....he wants Nike 6.0's like all his other friends. Whatever. I gave up. We don't live near a mall and all the 6.0's that we found weren't the right color. Give me a break. I was so done with this excursion and we were only looking for a little over an hour.

- BJ's sister and her family came over Saturday evening. We grilled some yummy pork chops and some bbq chicken legs and I made macaroni salad. The kids played and decided to go play on the new construction dirt outside. SIL and I went for a walk after dinner, leaving the boys (our husbands) to babysit the kids. When we got back, the kids were a muddy mess and had to change their clothes before touching anything in my house. Then the neighbors we had dinner with Friday night came over and we all chatted for a while. They didn't leave until 11:00. I can't believe we kept the kids up that late. At least it's not an every day thing.

- We had to give the Little Guy back to his mom early on Sunday because she wanted to take him camping. We had been invited to a cookout and crab feast at a friend's house so we headed there. It was really hot outside but we couldn't tell. Their yard is right on the river bank and shaded by 3 big trees. It was perfect...warm with a breeze. We saw quite a few people from our old neighborhood and it was really good to get caught up with everyone and hear all the good (and not so good) gossip. After we left there and since it was early, we decided to hang out with the bottom of the hill neighbors for a little while. I think we were just avoiding going home because the Little Guy wasn't there. We didn't get home until 12:00 midnight. A very long day indeed.

- Needless to say, we vegged on Monday. It was so nice to just sit home. We didn't drive anywhere. We even ate all 3 meals at home. :-) It was so sunny that I decided to lather up with some sunscreen and lay out on the deck for a little while. BJ took his shirt off and sat in a chair and we listened to the birds and the radio and just chilled out. It was great. We needed that day after the busy weekend we had.

I'm on CD17 today. FF has yet to tell me if/when I ovulated. I had a high temp on CD9 for some reason and I think it threw my whole chart off. However, this morning I had a pre-ovulation temp of 97.9. I'm pretty sure I felt ovary pinching on Monday, which is good because we did some BD'ing Sunday night. But Monday was CD14 and that's a little late for me. So once again I have no idea what my body is doing. We BD'd on CD8, 10, 13 and 16....I'm hoping we covered our bases. I actually saw a tiny bit of ewcm on CD13 so I'm wondering if I did, indeed, ovulate on Monday? I'm going to wait to see what my temp is tomorrow morning before I manually override my chart info on what I felt. I will definitely be ordering my opk's in the next few days. I can't keep guessing about when I ovulate. This baby makin' stuff is enough to drive a woman insane.

Doing Better

Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my last post. I know I'm not alone out here and it's nice to have such a supportive network of people. It really means a lot to me when I read the heartfelt and sincere comments that are left for me.

I'm doing better today. Actually, yesterday started the pick me up stage. No real reason other than I have to move on because time does not stop for a broken heart. And I'm sure my hormones getting back in line help, too. We all know how CD1 and CD2 can mess with our emotions even when we aren't TTC.

I've decided not to temp and not to pee on the opk's this cycle. Not so much decided as I forgot to order more opk's so I don't have them to pee on even if I wanted to. The temping will go by the wayside this cycle as well. I know my approximate ovulation time so I will try to seduce the hubby when we get close and we will just play it by ear. It takes some of the stress off to not worry about peeing on the opk's and temping every morning. Plus, May is my birthday month and our anniversary month...I'd like to just enjoy those things without the stress of hard core TTC. So this is me on a mini-break.

We had a nice weekend together although we were no where near as productive as we should have been. Friday night we went to our hang out and watched the hockey game. My poor team didn't really show up for the whole game and now we are forced to travel for game 6. I so hope we pull this off tonight. We sat in the rain at the Little Guy's baseball game Saturday morning. They scored 4 runs (the Little Guy even scored one!) but still lost the game. It was cold and rainy and just miserable. We ate lunch out and then went home and vegged for a while. The neighbors invited us down so we went over there for a couple of hours Saturday night. Yesterday was errand day. The big "mart" store and then the grocery store. It was muggy yesterday but warm and felt so much better than cold rain. We went for a walk in the evening and checked out some of the other houses that are being built around us. It was interesting to see the inside of the houses. We decided that we like the lay out of our house probably the best although we wish that our living room was a little bigger/wider. Other than that, the only thing that impressed us was some of the garages and how big they seemed compared to ours. I still haven't done my post about all the problems we've had with our new house...I'll get to it.

Back to the TTC....I think this is the shortest period I've had since they started getting short and light. I know the clomid probably had something to do with that, but my goodness. Friday was CD1 and I had a medium flow. It picked up Friday night and I was worried it would get really heavy since it was late arriving. Not so. Saturday was a medium flow and then nothing Saturday night until now. I'm not complaining, that's for sure. It's just another observation of my body doing something different after IVF.

All in all, my mood has improved greatly and I'm going to relax a little this cycle. We'll see how the relaxing goes once I know I'm getting close to ovulating. :-) Again, thank you all for your wonderful comments, you really do make a difference in how I feel and I how I look at the big picture.

Neighbors and More Neighbors

So I promised an update on my neighbors and now you are going to get it. :-) But first, an update on my cycle.


I'm on CD27 with no spotting yet. Not even a tinge on the TP. I'm not getting my hopes up (too much) because I've had cycles like this in the past. Not very many (with no spotting) but some. I've been squishing the boobs for a few days and they might be showing some signs of PMS, but not too much out of the ordinary. I'm a little bloated, but not too much. I'm a little cranky and a little short tempered, but again, not too much. So, I guess anything is possible at this juncture. I could be on my way to another normal type cycle or I guess there could be a miracle Clomid bean in there. I refuse to get my hopes up for fear of AF starting to gush any moment. I am 14dpo today. That is a nice leutal phase. I can't measure anything by my temps because I quit taking them over a week ago due to being sick and not sleeping much. I also refuse to test. And that refusal only lasts until Friday or I see some spotting. If I make it to Friday without spotting or starting, there will be a hpt bought for the first time in almost a year. On to the neighbors...


Quick recap for any new readers. We had a house built last fall and moved into said house in early December. We met 2 sets of neighbors while under construction. One set lives next to us (S & K) and the other set lives across from us, down a hill (S & M). S & K like to talk a lot, have 2 kids and are very nice. K (the wife) is a chatterbox but is pleasant. She will talk about anything with anyone...no matter how private. I know not to share too much with her. S & M are nice enough, haven't talked with them as much. M (the wife) doesn't want kids as she doesn't particularly see the point. Don't get me started. The day before Easter, we met the other couple and we will call them R and L. They are in their late 40's, have careers and make way too much money. L (the woman-they aren't married) has 3 grown children that live with her. We don't like the son. He drives way too fast in our family-friendly cul de sac without too much regard. Anyway, R stopped by as we were outside the Saturday before Easter. They were having a party and wanted to invite all the neighbors. We accepted. We went over there with S & K as S & M didn't want to go. There was music pumping, people drinking, and a good time being had by all. These people know how to party. It was a birthday party for one of L's girls...she just turned 22 and for her boy that is moving to HI (yay!). Their house is beautiful and looks like a model home on the inside. R is very nice and talkative and ready.to.be.our.best.friend. BJ and S & K start drinking. K is sloshed after one mixed drink. L (the homeowner) is a bartender so she knows how to mix a good drink. I had nothing as we had the Little Guy with us and I don't like drinking around him. We ended up staying way longer than anticipated. We got the full tour of the house. I feel like a pauper after being in their home. But it's all good because I love my house and what we have done with it so far.


As the night wore on, BJ and R talked more and more. And apparently we are now slated to go out on their boat several times this year, go camping with them, go to an O's game with them, hang out in Baltimore with them and get invited over every weekend. I'm glad they are so nice and welcoming, don't get me wrong. However, there is a difference in being neighbors and being bestest friends. I'm not ready for that. We have an 8-year-old...not partying grown children. I have a feeling there will be many things we have to decline to do with them. We went over there last weekend and sat out on their deck by a fire pit. It was very nice. The son was even pleasant to hang out with. There was casual conversation about hydro seeding our lawn and planting trees in the back yard. The next morning, R knocked on our door with a print out from the Internet about hydro seeding and a place we can rent our own hydro seeder and share it. Helpful information for sure, but at 9:30 on a Sunday morning, I'm still in my PJ's and BJ was still drinking his coffee.


So....we have some nice neighbors. And they are very different from each other. And that adds spice to the neighborhood, which is a good thing. But I'm scared of all the socializing I might have to do. And not only that, it doesn't seem that R & L know how to have a good time without alcohol. That worries me. I don't want to go out on the river (especially if we take the Little Guy tubing) with someone that is drinking and boating. I'm very against that sort of thing. But I don't want to become the neighborhood party pooper either. And I don't want to have to have a 20 to 30 minute conversation with my neighbor every time I see them. I'm grateful that nice people live by us, but I'm not ready for the best friend, party all the time lifestyle.


Ok, I'll stop complaining now. Time to find the good things to talk about so I'll be doing a Happiness post, too....to follow up all this pointless griping I'm doing. :-)

Meeting New People

As I stated before, yesterday was the Little Guy's first baseball practice of the season. I commute to and from work on a bus. I parked at a different stop (one that we usually get to by 5:45-5:50 at the latest) so that I could drive to the practice location and not miss anything. So of course, the bus is late picking us up. And not just by a few minutes. Another commuter called to check to see where he was. While she was on the phone with dispatch, I saw our bus. He was a block away at a traffic light...stopped because of a police motorcycle blocking the road for a motorcade. Great. Come to find out that the next bus (they run about 10 minutes apart) was at the light, too. When they finally got to our stop, it was 4:50...I was already fuming at being 11 minutes behind schedule. Then traffic sucked the rest of the way, too. Needless to say, I didn't get to my truck until 6:08 then I had to drive to practice. But I did remember to get off at the right stop. :-) I hate being late, to anything. As the saying goes...best laid plans...

Practice was good. I even met new people. And get this...one lady is already living in our development and the other is having a house built there, too. The one, Jenny, has 3 boys and we have already met her husband on a number of occasions at our house while it was being built. They had a house to sell before they could move here and it finally did because they broke ground yesterday for the new house. The other lady, Michelle, has an older boy that we see skateboarding on our way in and out of the development. Not sure we want the Little Guy hanging out down there because I think he may be a little old for him, but her other son is his age so what can we do? He loves to skate and he's always so interested in watching the older boy as we drive by. Will have to keep an eye on that situation. And as it turns out, Jenny's youngest boy actually goes to the Little Guy's daycare 3 days a week. Very small world. They seem very nice and it will be nice to have someone to talk to during the games besides the husband (that usually finds other dads to talk to) and the Little Guy's mother. Granted, these women have kids and I don't, but I don't see them having any MORE kids so that means hopefully no pregnancy announcements.

After practice we grabbed some dinner and watched the hockey game. OMG! What a game it was. My team took the lead, lost the lead, got the lead back and then lost it again with less than 4 minutes to play. It went to overtime and then to a shootout. I thought for sure we were DONE but we came back from a deficit and scored 3 straight in the shootout to WIN! That makes 3 straight over the Stanley Cup champs....YEAH! I can't stand that organization. Yay for my team!

I get to start my Clomid tomorrow and I'm excited about that. I will take it before bed each night and say a little prayer that it lets me grow at least 2 really good eggs in there. It will feel good to be doing something a little more pro-active in this process. I'm a little nervous about getting my hopes up too much, though. I know the reality but knowing how I respond to Clomid, I get a little giddy each time I think about it. Although, the 2 IUI's I did with Clomid didn't yield a baby....no negative thinking! Just positive thoughts coming from me and my ovaries right now.

As Promised, A Lengthy Update

I'll try to condense this as much as I can, but as you know I like to blabber so if you click away before you get to the end, my feelings won't be the least hurt. :-)

The snow - we got so much snow that I was off of work for 4 DAYS. I took 2/5 off because I didn't know when everything was going to start and the last thing I wanted to be was one of those people you see on the news stuck in 18 miles of traffic and about to pull their hair out. The Federal Government shut down for 4 days and our office follows their schedule when it comes to weather closings. Then it snowed...and snowed...and snowed. We got about 2 feet. BJ and I took turns shoveling since we only had the one shovel. We started Friday night at 10:00pm. We went back out at 10:00am Saturday and then again at 1:00pm. Each time we shoveled about 5-7 inches off the driveway. Our neighbors came outside and were sort of making fun of us because it was still snowing and we were shoveling and wasting our time. HA! They even let us use an old beat up snow shovel because they were just staying all warm and cozy inside while we worked. I went out Sunday morning at 9:00 and finished the last few inches on our driveway. The sun was out and it was melting the last of the slushy ice...we had a black driveway! I was so happy with myself. The neighbors came out and we let them use our shovel since we were DONE. I was inside by 11:30 chilling on the couch and ready to watch a fabulous hockey game. Then of course it snowed like a maniac again on Wednesday...another 8 or so inches to get rid of. BUT...I was able to get out and get another shovel on Tuesday before it started snowing again. I was out there again shoveling on Thursday. Poor BJ had to work which meant poor me had to do snow removal by myself. He can just drive over that stuff but I can't and won't if I don't have to. Plus, I can't be getting my clothes and shoes messed up in the deep snow, not to mention the Little Guy and I don't want to slip on the ice going in and out of the house. So shovel I did.

Getting Sick - Superbowl Sunday we went to the neighbors (since we couldn't drive anywhere else) to watch the game. I started feeling a sore throat...the same kind BJ had the previous week. It was full blown Monday morning. I'm so congested and tired and just plain BLAH. I'm much better now, but I'm still very congested and my voice is still sounding clogged. So I was out there shoveling in the blizzard which didn't help, but it had to get done, you know?

TTC - My body, as you know, is struggling to get back to some sort of normalcy. I had anticipated ovulating on Sunday and doing the deed on Saturday. I even convinced BJ to hold off until Saturday because I was sure that I'd get the positive opk. Have I ever told you how frustrating my body is? I didn't get the positive that I was after in the morning or the afternoon on Saturday. In fact, the line was so light that I thought I wouldn't get a positive until Monday. And that, ladies and gentlemen, would be a "normal" cycle. BJ and I couldn't help ourselves Saturday night...there's something romantic about being dead tired from shoveling snow and cooped up in the house with nothing else to do. And of COURSE I got my positive Sunday afternoon. DRATS. With more shoveling and feeling sick and hanging with the neighbors to watch the Big Game Sunday night and rushing the Little Guy to bed at just after 10:00, we didn't do anything. Bummer. I definitely O'd on Monday which was CD12 and I am happy about that as it's much closer to a regular cycle than I have had in a while. AF is due to show up Tuesday. I had some ovarian cramping/pinching on Sunday leading me to believe that I have a cyst. I also had some similar feelings yesterday on my right ovary. Well, not really my ovary, it was just left (if I'm looking down) of my right ovary. Not sure what that might mean. I'm hoping that it's not a sign of more cysts...like I'm developing more than just one each month. Man, these are times when I really miss being wanded. And who would have thought THAT was possible? I'm actually starting to feel like AF is coming. I'm hoping that she stays away and that we got lucky with a Blizzard Baby but I'm not getting my hopes up too high.

House - BJ and I went looking for curtains Saturday. We returned a pair and headed to JC Penney. We looked around for about 10 minutes and found a pair almost exactly like the original pair that was too short. The don't carry the longer length in stock so they have to be ordered. No biggie. Yeah, right. There was one lady behind the counter and she was busy helping a 96-year old woman pick out a mattress pad from the catalog. The lady had 35 questions. We waited in line for about 15 to 20 minutes. I told BJ that I would come back Monday by myself to order them. We headed to Lowes to get some other things we need/want for the house. We picked out some nice bathroom lights, picked up a bunch of energy saver light bulbs and bought a ceiling fan for our bedroom. I'm so delighted. BJ put the fan up the other day and I really like it. We still can't seem to find one we like for the living room, though. And we still need hardware for the kitchen cabinets. We were done spending money Saturday so that will have to wait another week or two. I went back to JC Penney Monday to order my curtains. I stood in line for another 20 minutes with one person in front of me. UGH. I finally get up there and tell her exactly what I want and get all the info in the computer only to be told...wait for it...they are on BACK ORDER...until MAY 28! Can you believe that? I ordered them anyway because they were on sale and I NEED these curtains...I WANT these curtains...THESE curtains are going to be the death of me. Well, I may have exaggerated that point, but I think you might understand what I mean. Now my mission is to find a new comforter set for our bedroom. The one we have is 3 1/2 years old and very neutral and very bland. I need to dress my bed up a little and now is time to do that. I mentioned before how picky I have realized I am and this is no exception. I will write more about this and our other house issues later...you've suffered enough.

Valentine's Day - BJ and I have never been big on this day. It's a nice day but it also marks the anniversary of his father's death. However, he never fails to get me a small token of something. We didn't make it to the dance we wanted to go to, but in the morning he pulled out 2 envelopes from our kitchen drawer. I gave him the 2 mini-albums that I had made him with family/couple pictures. He really liked his albums and said that it was better than me buying him a card. The cards he gave me were very sweet. One was a bit mushy and let me know how much he needs me in his life. I need to know that sometimes because he is so self-sufficient that I sometimes wonder if he'd really be inconvenienced in any way with my absence or with a stand-in wife. :-) The other card was humorous look at our relationship. And it fit us perfectly. It stated many things that he can "sometimes" be...stubborn, lazy, grumpy, thinks he's the boss etc...and then the thing that he "always" is is in love with me. It made my heart swell. Not just because it was sweet, but because he obviously recognized himself in that card and it gave him an appreciation for what I put up with from him. :-) We chilled together all day and it was very nice to be with him.

That's about all for now...my hands are tired of typing and I'm sure your eyes are hurting from reading. It's nice to be back to a routine but of course now I have over 100 posts to read from all of you. I'm looking forward to it, though...I've missed you!

CD8 - Getting Close

My body is telling me that ovulation is near. I will be POAS of the opk kind in a little while to see if it will be happening tomorrow. I noticed the watery cm this morning and my hormones, while not raging, are waking up for sure. Of course this would all happen when we have the Little Guy starting tonight through the weekend. It's always more difficult to get the job done when he's here. I know that sounds crazy because people have been doing the deed for centuries with kids in the house. The way things normally work at our house is that BJ and I flirt and tease each other usually starting in the kitchen while making dinner. Those things lead to other things while we're watching TV and then things usually end up happening, you know? When the Little Guy is at our house, those opportunities don't really present themselves as well. We are too afraid of getting caught. We put him to bed at 9:00 on school nights so it's still a little early and we just end up with a quickie when we go to bed at 10:00ish. On the weekend, his bed time is 9:30 which means that we are very worried about being heard in our room so things don't usually happen. When he's not at our house we do what we want and then just go back to watching TV and chilling on the couch. Can't do that with the Little Guy there.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining about him being there. I'm not. I'm complaining about yet another obstacle in the baby making adventure. I LOVE having him with us and I wish he lived with us all the time. That might actually be easier in some ways. We'd have a routine and could plan better. He's a great kid and I wish he were mine. I also wish that he went to bed at 8:00 when I'm ovulating. :-) That way, there's more time for him to fall asleep and be oblivious to what we are doing and we wouldn't have to wait until so late to do our thing which sometimes doesn't happen because we are too tired by then. Maybe ovulation will hold off another day and we can send him out to play in the snow while we have a romp. I know, sounds raunchy doesn't it?

We are supposed to get 16 to 24 inches of snow beginning tomorrow mid-day through Saturday night. I won't bore you with how much I'm dreading it. I grocery shopped last night so we are set for food and stuff. Basketball will be canceled again as will the make up game from last weekend. For an indoor sport we sure are getting snowed out a lot. One good thing is that we won't have the make up game on Sunday so I'll be able to watch my hockey game Sunday afternoon! Yay!

Our new neighbors moved in Tuesday. The chatty and nosey couple have arrived. I'm sure we will get the chance to hang out this weekend in the snow. I'm actually kind of glad because the Little Guy will have 2 kids to play with in the snow. BJ is supposed to get a sled today so he can pull them around on the 4-wheeler. Should be fun and a great opportunity to take some pictures.

I hope that everyone that is affected by the snow storm has enough food and supplies and that no one loses power. It's pretty when it falls and it's fun to play in, but it's scary to think about the folks that lose power at home and have no way of getting anywhere. Be safe out there everyone.

Update - the opk is negative but there is a slight 2nd line...think that means that O day will be Saturday. Will have to find a way to sneak in some BD'ing tomorrow night. AND there are no more snow shovels in our town. Great. We only have 1 and that makes for slow progress. Maybe the new neighbors have one we can borrow...hey, they borrowed jumper cables before they even moved in. I guess we really are neighbors now that we are borrowing things from each other. And you know what, it's not a terrible feeling. I might actually like having neighbors.

Last Day of Work Until January 4!

Yay for a long break! I haven't had a long break at all this year. I've taken a day or two here and there off, but I haven't had any real TIME off. Until now, that is. Today is my last day of work until January 4 and I couldn't be happier. Plus, the office is like a ghost town so there is plenty of time to get caught up with blogs and personal business. :-)

The new house is coming along slowly. You would think that being snowed in over the weekend would have yielded a lot of results as far as unpacking and organizing. You'd be wrong. We woke up Saturday morning to about 6-8 inches of snow. We had breakfast and BJ drank 2 cups of coffee. It was time to head outside to start digging. We were out there for about 2 hours taking turns shoveling. We had to take turns because we were not smart enough when we bought the snow shovel 2 years ago to buy 2. It was so disappointing to see our foot prints nearly filled in after those 2 hours of digging. We needed a break. And who wants to unpack and organize after spending 2 hours shoveling snow? Not us. We went back out a few hours later and had even more snow to shovel. Another 2 hours out there and we were wondering when it was going to stop. We decided not to shovel in the dark and to clean off the deck so that we could grill up some pork chops. We cleaned and swept the deck off. BJ came in and got the meat ready and we decided to have some potatoes with the pork chops. By that time...all of 40 minutes maybe...there was almost another inch on the deck! Good grief, as Charlie Brown would say. Sunday morning before we even ate breakfast we were out there again, shoveling. Finally we had blacktop and it wasn't covered 10 minutes later. The snow stopped about 10:00 Saturday night and I think we got about 18-20 inches...depending on where you measure.

The best part about the snow storm was that this is the first time I've been able to sit on my couch and watch the snow fall out of a big window...it was beautiful. And to have the fire going and the tree lights on...it was definitely a nice way to spend the day. Aside from all the exhausting shoveling.

We met the people that will be living across the street from us. Not sure what to think of them yet. The woman asked me if we had kids and I told her that BJ has a son and she asked "how old?" I told her 8 and she said, "oh that's a good age....no babies." Her husband then said, "yeah, she's fine with anything over 3 or so." WTF?? We had a long conversation with them out in the cold. They have not been having a good experience with their builder so it was a lot of bitching and complaining. I will have to give them another chance when things aren't so stressful for them.

My phone line at home has not been fixed yet. That means, no phone and no Internet. I had to go to the library Monday to use the computer. Very frustrating. I need to call the phone company again but I'm so tired of them telling me that it's on the schedule to be fixed. DO YOUR JOB!! Would they want to be at home with no phone service for this long? I don't think so. What if I have to call 911 for some kind of emergency? Yes, we have cell service at this house, but that is SO not the point. I need my Internet! I'm going to be home for over a week...do you know how many blog entries I will miss??? AARGH!

Ok, enough griping. I wrapped the gifts for BJ's family last night and it wasn't that many but I was so tired of wrapping when I was done. I'm going to wrap the Little Guy's gifts tonight and BJ's as well. I still need to get a few stocking stuffers but other than that, I'm done. I'm hoping to feel more Christmassy once the presents are wrapped. It's been hard this year with moving and not really having the time to decorate the way I want. Plus, I keep thinking about how I should be 5 months pregnant right now. That is the really hard part. I'm missing my lost embryos. I know that sounds silly, but I can't help it. Bedroom #4 stares at me every time I walk passed it. It's completely empty except a few things in the closet. It should be the nursery. I think it will get easier to deal with once the Little Guy gets his bunkbeds and we move his bed into that room and make it a real guest room. I hope it gets easier.

In case I don't get Internet while I'm on break I want to wish all of my blogging buddies a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year! And may we ALL get our 2010 BFP's sooner rather than later! Hugs and kisses to you all!

8DPO - Getting There...

Thank you everyone for thinking of the Little Guy and wishing him a speedy recovery. A quick update...I took his temp at 6:30 yesterday morning (knowing pretty much that I was keeping him home but he woke up coughing) and it was a bit elevated at 100.3. We gave him medicine and I told him to try and go back to sleep. He slept for 3 hours! I actually checked on him to make sure he was breathing. He got up and was starving with no fever. He had a slight fever in the afternoon but was fine at bedtime. He's coughing and congested but fever free! I'm guessing (like many of you said) that he probably had a reaction to his flu shot and just a regular cold on top of that. He went to school today, which I don't think he was very happy about because who wouldn't want another day of watching cartoons and helping their step-mom figure out her new Cricut? He actually made a card for BJ yesterday with it.

We rode by the new house yesterday to check on progress. They have gotten quite a bit done in the last 3 days. All the drywall was sanded, all the trim and doors have been installed, all the window sills, the top part of the staircase rail and the knee wall had been put on, the chair rail in the dining room was up, the gutters have been hung and the small sidewalk that will lead from the driveway to the porch had been poured. Whew! The best part is that they were taping all the windows while we were there to get ready to PAINT! Unfortunately, BJ won't be able to go by there today so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see how it looks. With the time change and it being this time of year I can't get there before dark. Bummer. And if you remember the new neighbors, the husband has been texting BJ all week last week and this week about the progress on his house. He actually sent a message Saturday asking if it was ok that they walk around our house! They have a different model and are using a different builder....why do they need to be in our house? BJ didn't respond because you can't really say "no", right? We have to live next to these people for the next 10 or so years....can't start off badly. But I've got my eye on them.

I am 8dpo today. I'm not feeling anything out of the ordinary. I'm disappointed every time I smoosh my boobs and they aren't the least bit sore. I am however, happy about the fact that my temperatures have been much more stable this cycle. I'm dreading a drop next week but I'm trying not to think about that. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's not easy, but it does me no good to sit here and wallow in self pity before anything negative has even happened, right?

We have seen 2 episodes in the last week of King of Queens dealing with pregnancy and babies. Comedy shows that portray IF struggles really don't do it justice. The first episode was about when Doug and Carrie are trying for a baby and she gets them an appointment with a clinic that tells her (on her first appointment) that one of her ovaries doesn't work so she really only ovulates about every other month. Doug's parents are in town and hi-jinx ensue when they try to BD with them there. The whole time we are watching this, BJ and I are commenting to Doug and Carrie how pointless it is to BD because that's not how people get pregnant. It was rather amusing to us to say the things we were saying, but if anyone on the outside heard us talking so negatively, they might have been a little frightened. I'm sure our bitter tone would not have amused anyone but us. :-) The other episode was last night where Doug is watching a baby while trying to convince Carrie that they need to have one. He's ready, at one point, to give it back and BJ says..."we'll take the baby". Then the baby is crying at 3:00am and Doug's having a hard time and Carrie is snoozing away. I told BJ that "that's the not fun part". And he said, "but you'd take it right now." And I said, "well, duh...of course I'd love to be up that early in the morning trying to sooth my baby back to sleep."

Anyway....the TV does not even come close to getting across the emotional aspects of IF or even the longing for a baby. It's something that no movie could ever portray in a way to really let the audience know how painful it is. Who would want to watch that, anyway? Women crying and moping about, men sitting around talking about morphology and motility numbers...not the stuff good TV is made of. So I will continue to mock movies/shows where women are trying to get pregnant or if they can't, they decide to adopt and then by the end of the season they have their little bundles. It's the happy, funny things that people want to watch...how else can we take our minds off of how miserable we are that someone hasn't written us such a nice script?

Spinning Head

There is so much going on at times in my life that it seems some sort of sh!t hits the fan every day. Here's a quick rundown of the happenings in my life over the last week or so...non-TTC related:


1 - the Little Guy's mother fell off a horse Tuesday night. He came to stay with us while she went to the ER. No problem...other than he was still with her and it was 9:00pm which is his bed time. He finally got to our house at 9:50 and then didn't end up in bed until about 10:20. He has to get up at 6:00 and he's only 8 with a heart condition that makes him need more sleep. Also found out that they didn't do all his homework because they were rushing to get to the farm. Also found out that she packed him a lunch of turkey bacon and cheese-its. WTH kind of lunch is that for an 8 year old? There's a myriad of "what was she thinking" episodes that we go through every once in a while with her. She's a good mother and loves her son, but I could fill a blog with the stories I have just about her. She is ok from the horse fall, thank goodness.


2 - we ran into our new neighbors at the new house last weekend. Pleasant people. The wife talks a lot and I can tell there is some busy bodied-ness going on there. All in all, I hope they are good neighbors. The husband is a cop and wanted to exchange cell numbers with BJ. BJ is now getting text messages from him...."they poured our basement walls". And this morning...."they put insulation in your house yesterday, I saw it from the outside". Hmmmm....have we created a monster? I am a social person - outside of my home. I've never been close with any neighbors...this situation scares me. I like to wave at neighbors and talk about the weather we are having. I don't particularly like the idea of them in my house (albeit it IS still under construction) when I'm not there. I'm sure I'm over reacting but I'm worried that the can of proverbial worms has been opened. The good thing is that I find them very nice and friendly. I will hang on to that right now.


3 - My sister had her appointment with her neurosurgeon. He was an ass. He basically dismissed all of her pain and complaints. For any new readers, this is why my sister had to see a neurosurgeon. He told her to have another type of MRI in November and come back to see him. She has headaches that radiate through her neck and her spine. How is that irrelevant? Especially since she is getting worse, see here. He said that her situation wasn't severe enough to think she needs any surgery right now. Ok, that's good, but why is she still in so much pain? I just don't know how to help her. Very frustrating.

4 - My thyroid doctor's office is full of rude ladies. I went to her in April just before beginning my first attempt at IVF. She told me that if I got pg to come back right away and if not then come back in 5 to 6 months because my TSH has leveled off and I'm doing good. IVF came and went and we all know how that turned out. Well, I called her at the beginning of September to make my appointment. Nothing was available until 10/27. My meds were out of refills so I had to call and talk to a recording to get a new script mailed to me. I did this on Friday. I called yesterday because I hadn't gotten it yet and now I'm OUT of meds. The first girl told me that she would see what she could do about taping it to the door after hours. Well, BJ offered to go and get it instead. Yay for a good man. When I called back to let them know that he'd be picking it up, I was asked to hang on. The girl came back and said that Dr. L is not going to refill this before seeing you because you were supposed to check in with her from April. I was rushed off the phone and stunned. BJ didn't get my message not to go by there and so he did anyway. She was rude to him before offering a sample box of my Synthroid. He would have let her have it if she was any worse with him. I will be letting the doc know my feelings on her scheduling practices anyway. It's one of those offices where your appointment is at 3:00 and they call you back at 4:00, 4:15...whatever suits their fancy.

5 - the neighbors mentioned above have a closing date of 1/4/2010. They just poured their basement walls yesterday...about 6 weeks after ours was poured. So you would figure that we would be moving in about 6 weeks before them. Not so much. BJ talked to the builder this morning and he's pretty sure we have a closing date of 12/18/2009. All of 1 week before Christmas. Fun for us. That means no decorating the rental because we will be packing and then rushing like crazy to get the tree up and all our things mostly unpacked by the 24th. That's a lot of work in a small amount of time. Oh well, it will make a good story for our first Christmas in the new house.

Ok, I guess that's all for now. If you made it through all of that, I commend you. I might post again later with something a little more light hearted. Ta ta for now!