Friday, February 25, 2011

I've Been Tagged!

Sarah over at Babies Everywhere....tagged me so now I'm IT!

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
My cats are my babies.  Smokey is almost 10 and Gizmo is almost a year.  Gizmo is the baby of the family and we always tell him that.  :-)  My husband holds him like a baby and gives him kisses and it's the cutest thing...really hope he gets to do that to a human baby.  Gizmo is the typical little brother, too.  When Smokey is trying to eat, he'll push her aside and steal bites of food.  He's so bad and we know he's only doing it to lessen the amount of food she gets.  And Smokey is so patient with him...he's lucky she's not meaner.

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
To be a normal fertile.  I'd love to have had a baby already and then worry about birth control and freak out if my period is know, like normal families do.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
I'd pay all my dad's debt off.  I'd buy a condo or townhouse for my mother in FL.  I'd set up a college fund for my nieces and my nephew.  The nieces would also get dream weddings.  I'd do the same for BJ's sister and her more debt.  Then I'd research the best children's charities and donate a boatload of money to help sick kids.  I'd have a vacation home some place tropical and another in the mountains (for Fall vacations so we could marvel in the beautiful colors.)  And of course I'd try IVF a few times and if we still failed then I'd adopt 2 babies (don't tell the husband as he's only prepared for 1).

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Watching something funny on TV or reading a good book.  Also, petting and playing with the cats works well.

5. What is your bedtime routine, with your kids?
Since I'm a step mother, I can answer this.  He's told to brush his teeth, go potty and then get in bed and we'll be up in a minute.  We then have to stand around his bedroom for a few minutes and tell him to hurry up and get in bed because he's piddling.  The covers get tucked in, I hand him Harold (his small stuffed bear), give him a hug and a kiss and tell him to sleep good, have sweet dreams, I love him and I'll see him in the morning.  I turn off the light on my way out and BJ sits on his bed and tickles him or something to make him scream.  They talk for  few minutes (I think these are the best conversations they have) and then I have to remind BJ that the Little Guy needs to go to sleep because he has to get up early.  There's more laughter from the bedroom and BJ finally emerges, echoing this phrase that you, good night, see you in the morning.  It's like that almost every night...I kid you not.  :-)

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other?
BJ and I met at a bar...gasp!  We started out as just friends that would sit or stand next to each other on Karaoke night and chat.  And then it developed into more as the time went on.  That bar was our favorite place to hang was like Cheers.  Everyone knew us and we knew just about everyone else.  We didn't have to tell the bartender what we wanted as it was pretty much ready for us by the time we got up to the bar because they had seen us walk in.  Sadly, the bar burned down 2 years ago.  We don't live in that area anymore so we don't miss it as much as we did...but it's still sad.

7. What kind of books do you read?
Mostly mysteries or thrillers.  I love Dean Koontz books.  I've branched out a little this passed year since I now have a Kindle.  I've read some much more light hearted mystery books.  I love a good mystery.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
Hard question.  I have hopes but then I've had hopes before.  Let's just say that I hope to be happily married, healthy and living in a warmer state.  I'd like to visit the Little Guy at college or have him come home for a visit.  It goes without saying that I'd like to have a 9 year old child in 10 years.

9. What’s your fear?
Losing either BJ or the Little Guy.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
Probably not...I know that sounds crazy but I can see outer space at a planetarium and I have (hopefully) a lot of years on this planet to enjoy brownies and cookies.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Hit the snooze button...right now I'm not temping but taking my temperature comes after that and then I lay in bed for a few minutes and then it's off to start my day.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
I'd give him more patience.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
When I was a kid I wanted my name to be from the Sweet Valley High books.  :-)  I've never been fond of my real name as it really belongs back in the 60's but I wouldn't know what else to call myself now.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Chocolate pudding.  I had some last night, low fat, and it was so smooth and yummy.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Being able to say what I'm feeling without interruption and without feeling like I might upset someone.  Blogging has been a great outlet for me in my day to day life.  I can have a bad day and it's ok to come here and talk about it.  That, to me, is priceless.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
If it's food, probably salty.  If it's a snack, then sweet for sure.

18. What items are in your purse right now?
Oh my....too much to list all of it...a WW point calculator, a copy of our marriage license, regular stuff like money, credit cards, ID, tampons and pantyliners, a leather key chain that the Little Guy made at the bass pro shop last summer, Japanese food coupons...etc.  :-)

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Beach...I love the water and listening to the waves.

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?
Hell's Kitchen is probably the worst reality TV that we watch.  It bores me but I can't stop watching Ramsey call people names and throw food around.

Here are the folks I would like to tag next:

Alison - I'm new to her blog but I like the way she writes.
Ephalba - I'm new here, too.
Egg - She's about to have twins!
AplusB - She just had twins!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Oodles of Updates

Thank you everyone for your well wishes the other day.  I realized that my appointments were all during ICLW and was sorry that I didn't do a proper introduction of myself.  Sorry about that.  For anyone popping over you can get a quick run down of my history in the sidebar over to your right.  My husband, BJ as he's known here, and I have decided to try IVF one.last.time.  I'm in the middle of my pre-screening process right now.  We will miss a cycle but I think it's for the best considering that we don't yet have the money all gathered and it helps to reduce stress if we take these big steps a little slower.

My nurse called me the other day with my stats from my blood work.

Estrogen - 118 - they'd like it be below 50.  It's elevated because of the cyst, not a huge deal right now.
FSH - 8.21 - I was really happy to hear that until she burst my bubble with "it's probably being suppressed by the elevated estrogen, but it's still good."  I'm sticking with happy as my last FSH was almost 10.
LH - 3.39 - good
Prolactin - 16.1 - they want it below 25 so that's good.
TSH - 1.86 - they want it below 2.5 so that's good.

Overall I got a good report.  Yay, go me!

I had my mock embryo transfer yesterday, otherwise known as a saline sonogram.  It was pretty uneventful.  Dr. M said that I have a beautiful uterus.  In my head I said, "ok, now tell that to my embryos so they will want to stick around for 9 months."  I had him check on the fibroid and he said it was so far away from where a baby would be that it's nothing to worry about.  Whew.  I know the tech said that yesterday but I wanted to make myself feel better so I asked him about it.  I'm glad I did.  I told BJ about my "beautiful uterus" and he said that he didn't like that Dr. M was flirting with me.  :-)  I signed my portion of the consent forms and left them with our nurse.  BJ will have to sign them when he drops off his sample and gets his blood work done.  That will not be next week because we are out of town until Wednesday and he will be too busy catching up Thursday and Friday.  Another reason why it's ok that we are missing a cycle.

I filled my prenatal and my bcp prescriptions.  I'm sure the tech that filled them had a good chuckle about my combination of meds.  She may have been confused as to why I wanted prenatals AND baby stoppers until she noticed the letterhead on which each was written.  I will start the prenatals tonight.  The bcp will get started on either CD1 or CD3 of my next period.  I will call my nurse on CD1 and see what she says.  I must admit, I had a little spring in my step after picking up the vitamins.

I called my ob/gyn's office and had them fax my most recent pap to my nurse.

And now I wait.  I wait for BJ to get his stuff done.  I wait for CD1.  I wait for this journey to really begin.

Another update I have is on BJ.  Remember back to when he had his endoscopy?  Remember when he was given the all clear?  Well, not so fast.  His primary care physician looked over his test results and had a few more comments to make.  He's also not pleased with the GI doctor's handling of things.  BJ has esophagitis, which we knew.  The GI doc said to just take the OTC stuff for heartburn and it will get better.  Not so.  PCP (primary care doc) said that BJ needs a much stronger medicine.  PCP also said that BJ has a hiatal hernia that GI doc never mentioned.  And another bit of info not disclosed is BJ's slightly enlarged prostate.  PCP says that he's too young to have something like that.  He also said that it's so slight that it's not really a problem right now but something to keep an eye on in the future.  So, not all bad news, but news that we really needed.  Oh, and BJ hurt his shoulder again.  So that means, along with getting his MRI on his back (which he is procrastinating about for some reason) he's going to have to have something done about his shoulder.

We got our taxes done last weekend.  We are getting back what we had hoped to get back.  It's not enough to cover the IVF so we'll have to charge some of that. We are looking to take the loan from my 401k for the pool since that will be a larger chunk of money now that we are not doing the shared risk program for the IVF.

I think that's all of the updates for if that weren't enough.  :-)  I still need to do my Tagged post since Babies Everywhere was kind enough to Tag me.  I'm hoping that I'll have time tomorrow to tackle that post.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Helllooo in There!

I had my baseline u/s and b/w this morning.  I wasn't too nervous about it but there was some underlying anxiety...there still is as I sit here and wait for the results.  I was really supposed to go yesterday as yesterday was CD3 but it didn't work out so I went this morning.  They moved offices so the set up is a little different but the people aren't.  The tech that took my blood (3 vials!) was the one that used to have problems finding my small veins.  She didn't remember me and she had no troubles, which was good.  As I was waiting to be called for my u/s I started worrying about what they would find in my b/ even higher FSH level?  Perhaps some anomaly that only affects 2% of women?  My imagination was definitely running away with me.  I was called into the room by one of the head nurses that remembered me from 2009.  She's very nice and pleasant.  The u/s tech was also very nice.  She looked at my records on the screen and said, "well it's the same as in 2009...undress from the waist down and sit on the table."  As I waited for her to come back I remembered back to my last few dates with Wandy and how much anticipation I felt at every encounter.  I started to get antsy because I know how much our bodies can change in a short amount of time and I just wanted everything to go smoothly.

She came back and I laid down and she turned the screen towards me.  I noticed a black circle up where there shouldn't be one.  She said it's a fibroid.  She said it's really small and far away from where a baby would be living.  That didn't reassure me at all.  She measured the lining and everything looked good in that respect.  Then she scanned my right ovary.  There was a cyst...again she said it was small and nothing to worry about.  I've had them before and they have delayed things for me but since I know I will be starting bcp next cycle I'm not too worried about it, either.  I asked her how many antral follicles she counted and she said that I had 4 on the right and 5 on the left.  Not great.  I was hoping for more but such is life.  It doesn't bode well for how many mature follicles/eggs we can produce but I'm not going to think negatively.  I'm not going to get all excited and hopeful, but I'm not going to hang out in the dumps either.

I scheduled my mock embryo transfer for tomorrow morning.  We have a meeting at the Little Guy's school tomorrow (more on that another time) at 2:30 so I will be missing the whole day of work.  I came clean to my boss about our trying again.  She's very supportive and knows what an emotional roller coaster this is.  For my newer readers, my boss has 2 children and suffered secondary infertility while TTC her son.  It took many IUI's for her to conceive him.  She's very understanding but I will still try not to miss much work as I don't want questions from anyone else in the office.

I'm headed out to lunch and I'm sure that is when the nurse will call with my results.  I'll update later if I get a chance.  Wish me luck on a "decent" FSH and other good numbers.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Get This and Seriously??

The Little Guy brought home a project assignment the other day.  The project is to create a family timeline that should include things about the child and his family that had an impact on the family...things like babies or moving or anything that would be important to a child.  I told the LG to start the project Tuesday with his mother because she knows the dates of events/things for her side of the family.  That and I'm tired of her leaving all/most of his projects for us to work on because she's just too busy.  Whatever.  She gets off work at 4:30 and lives 5 minutes do you NOT have time for these things?  Sorry, got off track.  Anyway...the LG forgot (said he didn't know I meant to start it Tuesday, just sometime this week, kids.  smile.) to start the project with her.  I e-mailed her about it yesterday.  This is our weekend with him so they only had last night to do it since it's due Wednesday and we have him Monday night, too.  I was walking to the bus and my phone rang.  It was her.  She said she was having problems with his timeline.  She could only think of things like his grandmother dying and his 3 open heart surgeries and that those things were just so depressing.  If she had bothered to read the guidelines she never would have had to call me and I'm sure it killed her to do so.  So I mention things like when his aunt got married and how that gave him an uncle...what about the birth of his cousins on her side...what about when Mel (grandfather's girlfriend) came into their life?  Things like that.  How about the start of his academic career with Kindergarten?  Can you believe that she turned to ME for all of this?  I don't usually pat myself on the back for much but I must admit this situation had me reaching around pretty quickly to do just that.  How could she not think of positive things in his life?  And how cool is it that I CAN and that she turned to ME for this?  Ok, I need to put my humble hat back a little carried away.

And seriously...I was on the treadmill this morning and CNN was on the TV.  There was another lady down there so she had the TV up pretty loud.  I had my headphones in because I prefer to listen to music than news.  Victoria Beckham was being interviewed by some lady.  My song ended and before the next one started I heard Victoria say "if this one isn't a girl then maybe my next one will be."  And the reporter looks as though she's just heard that the world is, in fact, flat and says..."your next one??? you'll have 4, how many do you want??"  I was floored.  I said, out loud, "as many as she wants!"  What the hell?  Is this lady the baby police?  Does it irk me to no end that some people can pop babies out like Pez dispensers?  Hell yeah!  That does not mean that I think they should be regulated.  My main concern about human Pez dispensers is whether or not they have the means to provide a healthy environment for their children.  It pisses me off when people have babies and they can't afford them and the taxpayers have to pick up the tab.  I know that people fall on hard times, this is not what I'm referring to.  If millionaires want to have 20 babies, let them.  At least I know that they will have food and shelter and heat in the winter.  The people that have babies just so they can collect more welfare money should be the ones that reporters go around attacking.  How dare she act that way on national TV?  Who gives her the right to question how many children a woman wants?  The next song started playing and I didn't hear the rest of the interview.  I'm glad because what I did hear royally pissed me off.  Seriously.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Aftermath

Thank you everyone for your support and your well wishes.  I can't even put into words how it feels to be able to come here and share everything, every detail, with you.  You understand, you get it.  This road is hard, more than hard...sometimes it feels like a never ending journey.  I feel like I am running around in circles...waking up to my own groundhog day where no matter what I do or what I change, I still wake up NOT pregnant.  *sigh*  I wish I knew the secret code so I could crack this puzzle.

Anywho...BJ and I have decided (I think) to go ahead and do 1 cycle of IVF.  I don't have any hopes of it working and I'm sure that is not a good attitude to have.  However, I can't help it.  I DO feel like we have to give it one more shot before we call it quits, before we can really consider adoption.  I don't like that I'm forced to make these decisions.  I would rather my body work properly and just do it's damn job and carry a baby for crying out loud.  So we will see if it will do just that or if we call it quits and set our sights on adoption options.

I e-mailed 2 questions to my nurse.  The first - why did Dr. M tell me that I was borderline and then tell the financial coordinator that I was not qualified for the shared risk?  The second - can she check with Dr. M to see if he wants to add Ganirelix to my protocol since I'm such a fast responder?  I don't produce much but I produce very quickly.  Since my protocol has to be perfect this time, I don't want anything overlooked.  I hadn't heard back from her so I e-mailed her again.  She said she'd get back to me tomorrow (yesterday).  She didn't.  I called this morning and she is out sick until Monday.  Lovely.

I have a laundry list of things to get done and it looks like we will miss a cycle but it is what it is.  AF is supposed to show up tomorrow or Saturday so I will need to make my CD3 appointment for pre-screening.  I need to tell BJ that he has to make his SA appointment.  My nurse needs to get me the forms for our infectious disease blood draws.  They were supposed to give me either samples or a prescription for prenatals and I have to schedule my mock embryo transfer.  I'm wondering if they will give me the BCP once my bw/us results are in from my CD3 scan?  We'll see.

I'm not even excited.  How terrible is that?  Maybe my mood will change once I get going.  I hope so.  I think I'm just too afraid to hope for success.  I was so sure last time...and I got nothing but a broken heart.  I don't want to fail again but that doesn't mean I won't.  It's not like I can just keep replaying the level over and over again until I beat it, you know?  It's not angry.birds after all.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Details

Thursday Morning:
I had planned on taking the Little Guy straight to school in the morning and then heading up to my appointment.  School was delayed 2 hours due to some slick road conditions so we went to breakfast at McD's and then I dropped him at daycare.

It felt like it took forever to get to the medical building.  I had a hard time finding a place to park.  I parked and went inside and checked the board for the correct suite number.  It has been almost 2 years since I had been there so I needed a refresher.  They weren't on the board..cue panic attack.  I called them and found out that they moved over a year ago into another building on the campus.  Whew!  Glad I was 20 minutes early.  I found my way to the office, filled out updated paperwork and waited.  The doctor came out to get me at 10:15.  Not bad.

He said how happy he was that I was back.  He feels sure that he can get me more eggs.  I told him that I was interested in the shared risk program but thought that some testing was probably necessary.  He said that I was borderline in his eyes with my low response.  He said my 2 previous embryos looked beautiful.  He wants to try a super producer protocol with me.  As he's going over the details he also says that they have a program called shared help that I might be interested in.  He wants to do the usual 21 days of bcp and then a micro-dose lupron and the max gonal-f dosage with some menopur.  He's feeling hopeful that he can get 8-10 eggs from me.  I ask him if he's sure that he wants to supress me at all and he says "yes"...that supressing me and then doing the lupron should have things turn out very well.  He even draws pictures for me.  Then it's off to the financial advisor.  That's when it gets bad...for me at least.

He went in before me and then showed me in.  It's the same lady I dealt with last time.  She starts telling me about my Parent Steps discount program and I said, "oh, I wanted to do the shared risk program."  She says, "doctor M says you aren't eligible for that, only single cycle treatment."  I don't even know why I stayed at that point.  She went over some things with pre-screeing requirements...payment methods...asking me to get my authorization number.  I was numb.  I was hearing her speak but I was not listening to her.  My head was in a fog.  I couldn't believe that I was turned down without any tests being run first.  I felt my heart sink and my hope went with it.  She then said I needed to sit with Crystal, Dr. M's nurse to go over more details.

I sat in a room and waited for the nurse.  Still foggy, still confused.  She came in and was very nice.  I listened to her go over my pre-screening requirements and I listened when she went over my protocol, she said to visit the website if I needed a refresher on administering shots to myself...she was very thourough.  I played along...for some reason that I have yet to figure out.  I guess I didn't want to be the lady leaving the clinic empty handed, with no folder of info and no specimen cup for BJ's sample.  I checked out and paid my copay.

I headed to my car and the cold air outside matched the cold feeling in my heart.  Denied...falling on the wrong side of the statistics again.  The doctor was so sure he could help yet he would only take me one cycle at a time?  Why?  My head was swimming with all sorts of questions that I couldn't verbalize at the time.  I started driving and I called BJ...hands free, of course.  I said, "you don't have to worry about saving money for anything now."  I stayed strong and didn't cry with him on the phone.  He said, "well we have to do something!"  I agreed, but at the time I was just so jumbled up I couldn't think straight.  I don't know how I managed to get to work safely.  Especially since I spent quite a few miles of roadway blinking back tears.  BJ said he had a bad feeling it would go that way.  I'm glad he didn't say that to me beforehand.  I told him that I was afraid of the same thing but I was holding onto hope that something would go our way.

We talked briefly that evening about doing a single cycle.  Possibly moving money around and making one last attempt.  I'm not sure I can go through with it.  We would be out another $8000 and there is no guarantee that it will work.  If I get a baby of course it's worth it, but if not...well...I don't know.  And if we fail, then we are another $8000 short of possible adoption money.  I'm not sure I have it in me to pin all my hopes on one cycle.  We did that and it was so hard on me, on us.  I don't know if I can go there again.  I had very high hopes of at least one of the 6 shared cycles working.  With only 1 cycle to work with, it seems impossible to have any hope at all.  We were already cancelled once when I only produced 2 follicles, then I only got 3 mature eggs with the next attempt...what happens if I respond poorly again?  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Things are up in the air right now.  BJ said that we are still using our tax money for the pool.  I think that is a great idea.  A pool WILL be enjoyed by our family.  We are 100% sure we will get a pool.  Money well spent.  A shot in the dark with another IVF that might not work, that might not yeild a child....might not be the best spent money.  I can't even believe I feel that way, but I do.  I'm bitter and I'm angry and I'm sad.  I want the family I have now to be happy.  I already blew $13000 in fertility treatments.  Money that could have been put toward our house in 2009.  I feel guilty about it.  The thought of spending the money with no guarantee of getting it back if we fail...scares me.

If I could just find a way to let go of my desires for a child of my own we'd be set.  Thank you all for your comments on my last post.  It's nice to get "hugs" from you all.  I don't know what our plan is now but I have a feeling it will become clear in the next few weeks.  I can't hang in limbo for much longer.

Thursday, February 10, 2011



I have so much to say but I just can't put my thoughts together right now.  We were not accepted into the shared risk program, obviously.  Not sure where to go from here.  Will update when I feel like I can put a coherent thought together.

Thank you all for your well wishes.  It really means a lot to me that I have so many cheerleaders out there in bloggy land.  You ladies are the best and I'd really be a mess without you.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Diversion Post

This post is brought to you by my attempt to divert attention away from my impending appointment tomorrow as I have decided to focus on something that brings me great cats.

I have had one cat, Smokey, for almost 10 years.  Our other cat, Gizmo, was adopted this past Summer.  These cats are the greatest little animals ever.  It took them some time but they like each other now.  Gizmo likes Smokey more than Smokey likes Gizmo but they still play together and sometimes we even catch them laying together.  It doesn't happen often, but it happens.  And I think the only reason it happens is that Smokey is just too lazy to get up and move when Gizmo lays down next to her.

It has been so much fun watching BJ bond with Gizmo.  He will pick Gizmo up and give him kisses and talk baby talk to him and he calls him "buddy".  It's just too damn cute.  Especially because he's never been that fond of Smokey.  They have a strange relationship to say the least.  It stems from how she was raised by me and my ex.  She views the male figure as the play person and me as the lovey-dovey-snuggle person.  She plays rough and by rough I mean that she gets to a point where she is nothing short of pissed off and ready to mame.  She bites when she plays...and hard.  And if you say "ouch!" or "stop!" it's like adding fuel to the fire and she bites harder.  At that point I would just walk away from her or shoo her away from me and within a few minutes she comes back to apologize in a way that only cats purring on the person she just tried to destroy.  Brian insists that she's evil because of this.  I can't help how she plays, my ex played very rough with her since she was a kitten without realizing that it would make her...mean.  We have pretty much broken her of this habit by not playing with her in a rough manner.  We won't let anyone get rough with Gizmo because we don't want him to pick up this bad habit.  It seems to be working.

The Little Guy has always been afraid of Smokey.  This fear was unfounded because she would pretty much avoid him as much as he avoided her.  She never bit or scratched him but I think his fear came from BJ calling her evil.  Since we got Gizmo, the LG has done a complete 180.  He pets Smokey, he gives her kisses, he plays with her.  She has rewarded this behavior by laying on his lap when he's trying to do his homework.  It's very cute.  She even sleeps in his bed during the day sometimes.  It has been a very nice change in both of them.

BJ has warmed up to Smokey over the years, too.  She lays on his lap and he lets her.  She has a certain method of getting on the couch now and it consists of jumping up on the arm where BJ is and sniffing him and then walking across the top to walk down my chest and lay on my lap.  I really enjoy these times with her.  And it's nice to see BJ pet her and not get bitten because she thinks he's ready to play.  If he's got the laptop on his lap she has to come over to see what he's doing.  If the LG is playing a hand held game that is making noise she will try to lay on his lap.

You may wonder why I haven't mentioned Gizmo laying with us on the couch or on our laps.  It's because he doesn't.  I don't know why.  We have tried countless times to get him to lay with us and he stays for about 5 seconds.  He'll lay on the ottoman or pressed up against the side of the ottoman...or better yet...he lays under BJ's legs when BJ puts his feet up on the ottoman.  But lay with us?  Forget it.  Maybe he'll change when he gets older.  I'll just have to survive with one kitty on my lap for now.

Gizmo hears the garage door open each evening upon my arrival home and he immediately goes to the door and waits for me.  When I walk in, he meows and lays down and rolls over so that I can rub his belly.  That is his favorite way to be loved...belly rubs.  He is such a sweet little guy and petting his belly makes all the stress of the day disappear because he just stretches out and lets me ruffle his fur until my heart's content.  He is the most vocal cat I have ever known.  Smokey rarely makes a peep, but Gizmo?  He meows, squeaks, howls...everything.  Sometimes it's like a crying baby...we don't know what he wants or why he's meowing, but it's very sweet.  If we ask him if he's a good boy he'll let out a tiny (sometimes silent) meow.  It's the cutest thing to see his mouth open and nothing come out.  He waits for me outside our bedroom door in the mornings (BJ doesn't let them sleep with us anymore...booooo!...major issue at home) and meows when he hears me come out of the master bathroom because he knows I'm about to open the bedroom door.  His favorite toy is balled up paper.  If he hears you rustle or tear paper he comes running from wherever he is in the house.  We ball it up and throw it.  He knocks it around and usually gets it stuck under the stove or the fridge so we have to go fishing for it.  He carries it around in his mouth which brings big laughs.  He will drop it at your feet if you are in the kitchen because he wants you to throw it.  If you ask him where his paper is he will get excited and anticipate you throwing it.  He's quite the character.  And we love him so very much.

I could go on for another few paragraphs, I'm sure, but I will stop now.  If you made it this far, congratulations!  I'm sorry for boring anyone but I wanted to write about something other than IF, TTC, appointments and anything else heavy.  I need to get some pictures of my babies up here so you, too, can see how adorable they are.  I haven't posted any pictures of Gizmo since we first brought him home...he has grown so much!

I will be back Friday with an update of my appointment.  Catch you later!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Anxiety is Setting In

It's Tuesday and it's 2 days until my appointment to see where I stand with my clinic.  I will be told 1 of 3 things.
1 - sorry, you are a poor responder and we can't take the risk on you
2 - please get all your testing done and we will go from there
3 - sure, we can take a chance on you...welcome to the shared risk program

I'm sure number 2 will happen ever before number 3 happens.  But what if number 1 happens?  I was so excited to set this appointment and started thinking of all the possibilities that might await me.  Now I'm sitting here expecting the worst possible outcome.  I think I have been burned by years of infertility.

I'm on an up/down cycle of emotions every time I think about this appointment.  I know that I just need to relax and see what happens, but all I can think about is how the doctor will just turn me down.  I go from thinking of additional baby names (in case BJ doesn't like the ones I have picked out) to accepting the fact that I will remain childless.  It's a vicious tennis game of emotions where I'm the ball and I'm being hit from side to side.

I had a dream last night that I got a positive beta.  I couldn't believe it.  In the dream I kept rubbing my stomach and smiling and BJ and I were talking about how and when to tell people.  Then the number of the beta came back at 6.5.  It was 2 days passed a 5 day transfer so the doctor wasn't worried at long as it doubled.  We were in the middle of figuring out when to schedule my next beta when I woke up.  I looked up at the ceiling and exhaled a deep breath...I realized that it was just a dream.  I've been in a funk ever since.

I know that we IF girls try not to get our hopes up as a way of protecting ourselves and maybe that is just what this is, me protecting my emotions from getting crushed.  Or maybe it's my rational side stepping up and saying "TeeJay, you didn't really think you would be awarded with this opportunity, did you?"  I feel like the odds are against me.  I feel like the odds have never been for me.  What do I think has changed now?

I've gone from being excited for this opportunity to being scared sh!tless about walking through that door on Thursday.  There has been too much time for me to think about this.  I always over think everything.  I'm the daughter of an engineer, it's in my chemical make up to over think.  I know I should just calm down and accept this appointment for what it is - a discussion and maybe the start of a plan.  In my heart, however, I'm crying buckets of tears because I don't want to be turned away.  I really want this chance and if they tell me no...well...I just don't know what comes next.

This will be the end of the road for a pregnancy, a biological child.  Once this outlet is exhausted BJ is ready to jump into adoption.  I'm glad he's on board.  I can't wrap my head around that just yet as I feel that I have not exhausted all my options.  This appointment will be the beginning of a journey...either several IVF's or a serious plan about adoption.  God knows what is best for me and I know that my wants and desires are not necessarily what He has planned for me.  I can only pray that He wants me to try harder at this IVF thing to achieve our goal.  If the appointment goes south or we are turned down because of my high FSH then I guess His plan is for us to explore other options.  Time will tell.

Thanks for reading and letting me get my fears out of my head and onto paper.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Busy Times

This might get long so I apologize in advance.  This is how my weekend went...starting with Friday afternoon.

I made a bikini wax appointment for 3:45 on Friday at the local place that I can walk to.  I split my lunch hour in 2 parts to accommodate this appointment.  I got there on time and was told she was running a few minutes late.  I am supposed to leave work at 4:30 so I thought that this would be no problem.  I waited until 4:02 and then had to leave.  I still had a couple of other things to do before I got off work.  On my way back to my building I called the salon in my town and was lucky enough to get a 9:00am appointment.

Saturday morning I rushed to get to the salon by 9:00 (I was snuggling with my honey) in the rain.  They couldn't find me on the schedule.  Someone put me in for the next Saturday.  So they asked if I could come back at 11:00.  No problem.  I rushed to the bank then rushed to the grocery store.  When I shop for things I don't normally buy it takes longer to find everything.  I rushed home, unloaded and put away all the groceries and rushed back to the salon.  I got my wax and was on my way.  Then it was home to eat breakfast with my family.  I rushed through my meal and started cleaning.  We were supposed to have BJ's sister and her family over for dinner.  They have respiratory issues so whenever they come over I try really hard to make it a very clean environment more than just my regular cleaning on Saturday morning.  I start cleaning and send the Little Guy off to clean his bathroom and BJ decides it's time to put up the office curtains (which look awesome, BTW).  By the time everything is cleaned and hung, it's almost time for lunch.  As I'm starting to prepare the lasagna (so that I can just pop it in the oven when we get home) BJ is making sandwiches for us.  We eat and then I finish with the lasagna and cover it and set it in the oven.  By that time, it's time to go to the basketball game.  The Little Guy was burned by his cousin on a couple of plays but his team ended up winning so it was all good.  They all came over and we had a lovely dinner and visit (there's more to share but it will have to be in another post) and they left around 9:00.  I was D.O.N.E. by that time.

Sunday morning was less hectic but then things picked up again.  We went to 5 Guys for "brunch" and then made a stop at the store for a few things.  The hockey game came on at 12:30 and I watched the first period on the couch.  After that it was time to start the prep of our superbowl food.  We had chili dogs, a nacho casserole, Asian chicken wings, onion dip, fruit dip and strawberries, salsa and chips and I baked cookies for dessert.  People started showing up at 5:00!  I was still making food so it was a little stressful.  By the time the last couple showed up (3 couples and 2 children in all came to our party) it was time to eat.  So we ate and then I cleaned up and got the dessert out and we watched a great game and some really cool commercials and then everyone finally left at 10:15.  I still had a little cleaning up to do and then the LG had to get in bed.  BJ and I sat on the couch for about 15 minutes and then finally headed to bed at 11:00.  The party was a big success and everyone enjoyed themselves.  There wasn't too much "baby" talk from the pregnant neighbor so that was good, too.

BJ told the trip neighbors that we aren't able to go right now.  There are just too many things up in the air and we really want a pool to enjoy all the time.  They were bummed but they understand...and they are still going so it's not like they don't get to go either.

I haven't had a weekend that busy in a long time. I wish the superbowl was on Saturday or Presidents Day weekend so that we could have Monday off. Ugh, I'm tired.

Friday, February 4, 2011


We are now less than a week away from our appointment.  BJ said to me last night that it can't get here quickly enough.  There are several things up in the air right now that are hinging on whether or not we move forward with the shared risk program.  The trip is one of those things.  As is a pool.  A pool is something we both have wanted for a very long time.  We picked our lot based on the backyard.  BJ has given up his dream of an in ground paradise pool since he learned how expensive it was going to be.  He has thrown himself into finding a nice enough (by his terms) above ground pool that will "do".  We know that we will enjoy a pool for years to come.  The trip will leave us with great memories (hopefully) but it will be over in a week.  We have not gotten our taxes done yet, either.  Not because we are lazy but because we are still waiting for his W2's.  His company is always late with them and it drives me crazy.  Once we get our taxes done we will know better where we stand with our plans.  Unfortunately, it looks like the trip will have to be scratched from our plans.  We can't have EVERYTHING, right?

In the mean time we are dealing with the Little Guy getting another cold.  He came home early on Wednesday and I stayed home with him yesterday.  He slept very late and then just chilled for the day.  He's on the mend and I hope his mother puts him to bed at a decent hour tonight so that he can continue to get well.  She has a habit of letting him stay up until 12:00 or 1:00 in the morning when he doesn't have school.  Makes me (and BJ) crazy.  Not to mention the affect on the LG.  But that is a post for another day.  He has a basketball game tomorrow afternoon and he's playing against his cousin.  How he feels and how well he is will determine if we have them all over for dinner tomorrow night.  I hope they come over, I'm going to make lasagna for everyone.

The pregnant neighbor is having a baby shower.  This is her 3rd child but I guess since the youngest is 6 they figured this was ok.  I actually bought something for her and I might even go.  I don't want to but I don't have a real reason not to.  I was joking with the LG when the invitation was delivered and I told him that I think I'm busy that day and that I don't normally go to baby showers.  He said, "I bet I know why you don't want to go."  And I asked him to enlighten me.  And he said, "because you want one."  And I said to him "you're right, that could be why I don't want to go".  He's a smart cookie.  This was not an "oops" baby, but still.  I have not been to a baby shower in years and I'm not looking forward to it.

We are having the neighbors over (yes the pregnant one) on Sunday for the Big Game.  The other neighbors (the childless ones that I think can't have kids) have other plans.  Rick and Leslie (the trip neighbors) said they will probably stop by.  A small crowd is nice.  And it's less food I have to make.  I know I will be staring at her belly the whole time, hoping she doesn't see me.  She's 34 weeks so there is no hiding it.  It's like a car don't mean to stare but you can't help it.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Quickie Post

Not a post about quickies...minds out of the gutter, please.  :-)  Although, I could write a post about quickies seeing as how a lot of the time that's how I get my lovin'...the fertile window doesn't really allow for much spontaneity.  This post will just be quick, I promise.

BJ got his results back from his endoscopy.  No cancer!  Not even any bacteria!  Jumping for joy shall commence.  He just needs to get his acid reflux/GERD under control better.  He opted out of the colonoscopy, which I knew he would.  For now I'm ok with that.  He actually went to the doctor about his back, too.  He needs to have an MRI which will hopefully happen within the next couple of weeks.  Our insurance has to approve it.  He's been having issues for years but it's getting really bad now so he wants to get help if he can.

I began having some very fertile CM yesterday and we actually had sex last night!  And guess what's happening today?  My ovary is hurting like hell so I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating.  Hell yeah!  I'm not temping or OPK'ing this cycle so I'm just going on physical signs.  How amazing would it be to be successful right before my appointment next week?

The trip I spoke of 2 posts ago is still very much up in the air.  We talked with the neighbors last night and pulled some prices.  We just aren't sure if it's a wise thing to do right now.  We want to go in the worst way and even found a place that we want to stay.  We decided that if we do this, we will go to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic.  That means we have to get passports and that's another cost to add in.  Will keep you posted.

Thank you for your positive comments on my last post.  It's nice to know that you guys understand and that I'm not on an island here.  I have many conflicting feelings about my family dynamic and there's plenty more where that post came from.  It's just hard sitting down and putting it into words sometimes.  Stay tuned for more.  :-)

We are having some of the neighbors over on Sunday for the Big Game.  I'm making chili dogs and some other snacks.  I'm looking forward to it, actually.  Last year we were snowed in during the Big Game and didn't have to worry about work or school the next day.  This year we will have to get the kids to bed on time and ourselves in bed at a decent hour...not as much fun but we will make the best of it.  I still say the game should be played on Saturday evening instead of Sunday.  Go Packers!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Other Woman

There is another woman in my life.  This other woman is the Little Guy's mother.  She is BJ's ex.  Not ex-wife, mind you (thank goodness!), but someone that he was going to marry at one point in his life.  I'm glad they never got married.  That is a very selfish thing to say, but it's how I feel.  I'm glad because I don't share a last name with her.  I share enough without having to share my name, too.  On this blog I will give her the name OW (other woman).

She and BJ met at a bar many moons ago.  They began dating, they decided to have a baby and they got engaged.  Pretty textbook stuff.  I have heard stories about her and her behavior in the past and some of it makes me cringe.  BJ was no saint either, and I'm so glad he has changed his ways.  I would not be with him otherwise.

This other woman rubs me the wrong way on so many levels.  I feel like if I write about her that I will just sound like a petty, jealous bitch.  If that is how I sound then oh well.  I need an outlet and this is my space to let it all out.  I am going to start at the beginning (as best as I can remember) and just see what flows from the keyboard.  I will try not to make this too long or too bitchy, for lack of a better word.  It's hard being  a step mother and having another woman (especially a woman from your husband's past) so prevalent in my life.

Before BJ and I started dating, back when we just hung out at the bar and talked, he told me a little bit about OW and why they split up.  There seemed to be a myriad of reasons...she let herself go after the Little Guy was born and gained a bunch of weight and refused to do anything about it, they fought a lot, they lived with her parents in a basement apartment and her parents were too involved in their lives, she postponed their wedding so that her younger sister could get married first...just to name a few.  I met OW about a week after BJ and I decided to be exclusive.  It was very brief and I don't remember much about it except that I tried to avoid eye contact with her.  I'm a pretty timid person, believe it or not.  They had a tradition of trick-or-treating with friends each year and they did it again that year.  BJ and I had only been exclusive for about a week at that point.  Even that early on, I hated the thought of him hanging out with her.  We were so new to each other but I knew that he was who I wanted and I was very afraid that he would go back to her.  Especially since all of their friends wanted them back together.  They had been split for almost 2 years when BJ and I met, but neither of them had been in a serious relationship since the break up.  I was in a sort of limbo and I didn't like it at all.

When Christmas time rolled around they decided to do things the same way they had done them since the split...go shopping for the LG together and split the bill.  The night they went out I was secretly in hysterics.  And they had dinner together after shopping.  I didn't know how to handle this.  I knew he didn't want to be with her but it was dinner time and they were at the mall so they just ate together.  This type of situation was very new to me so I just sort of let it all happen and muddled through as best I could.  I didn't know him well enough yet to know how serious he was about me (the I love yous came later) and I didn't know whether my jealousy was warranted.  He's only the 3rd man I've been with so I was pretty green to all this dating drama.  It was so hard to accept that this woman was a part of his life whether or not he wanted her to be.

BJ got up early Christmas morning and went to her house so that he could be there when the LG woke up.  The presents were opened and he hung out for a little while and then he came home to me.  I made a nice dinner but in the back of my mind I knew that he'd rather be with his son on this day.  And I knew that he wasn't over there because of me.  It was a guilty feeling I will never forget.  He didn't choose me over the LG...he chose not to be around her and her family when he wasn't part of that family anymore.  He said it made it easier on him for him to be with me, otherwise he'd be sitting at home alone.  I wanted BJ to be with the LG but I did not want him to be with her and relive their past because that can happen when you are in a situation with your ex.  It was a tough spot to be in.  I told BJ to feel free to be with his son but he assured me that he'd rather be with me than in that situation.

BJ had put his house on the market right before we started dating.  He couldn't afford it anymore since he was laid off at his job and was just working odd jobs to stay afloat.  I was wondering where he would live when his house sold, and apparently so was OW.  On Thanksgiving (backtracking a little) he said that he would love to move in with me but that it would be my choice when the time came.  He said he could always rent something until we figured out where our relationship was going.  We made the decision that he would just live with me once the house sold because I didn't want him to sign a year lease somewhere and then be stuck if we wanted to live together...going back and forth between houses was tough and we only lived 5 minutes apart, I can't imagine if he had moved further away from me.  One weekend before settlement, OW came to pick the LG up from BJ's house.  She was asking questions about the sale...that was my cue to exit because I knew what was coming.  As I left the room she asked, "so where are you going to live?" BJ answered that he was moving in with me.  And she said "I knew it..." I didn't hear the rest of the conversation, I didn't want to.  I didn't want her to question me about anything.  It was a big enough deal having a man and his little boy move in with me that I didn't need to be a part of the awkward discussion with OW.  See, I told you I'm timid.  :-)

There were times very early on that she would call BJ because she was having problems with the LG and he'd have to get on the phone with him to get everyone calmed down and straightened out.  She would call him just to chat sometimes and to complain about her family.  She called him once and was sobbing.  Apparently she and her sister got into an argument and her sister said something like "what if "BJ" and "TeeJay" have a baby of their own and he forgets all about "the LG"?"  WTF?  Who says that?  So he had to calm her down.  This other woman was beginning to annoy me with her phone calls but I couldn't do anything about it.  BJ had to answer because she only called when she had the LG with her and what if something happened?  She obviously still thought of BJ as a friend and so she kept turning to him.  I didn't like it at all.  BJ didn't like it either but we couldn't stop it from happening.  It's not as bad now, but it still happens from time to time.

I wish there was an instruction manual for how to handle ex's when you are in a new relationship.  It's not a puzzle that can be solved.  It's just this ongoing issue that will always be there.  I know things could be much worse...she could be psycho, vindictive, a drug addict or just a terror in general.  She's none of those things...but she's in my life and I can't do anything about it.  THAT is the key.  I have no choice in the matter.  It's so hard to look at her and go to her house (basement) knowing that BJ loved her and was going to marry her...knowing how much history (almost 7 years) they have as a couple, knowing they share a child that will bind them together for the rest of our lives.  She's pleasant enough and we tolerate each other well, we even share laughs sometimes.  It doesn't change the fact that she is the other woman in my life that will always make me feel second best.

I have a lot more to share on this topic but maybe someone will stumble across this and see that they are not alone if they are in a similar situation.  And mainly I just want to get all these feelings out and off my chest.  I think once I do, I'll be able to see that it's not as bad as I make it out to be.  And I know I sound petty and jealous, but I can't help it.  I am jealous of her.  She gave my husband a child and she had my husband first...I wish I were the only woman he ever loved.  I don't share well and I don't like sharing my family with her, but I know that without her and without their past, there would be no Little Guy and I'm so very grateful and thankful that he is in my life.

To be continued.