Friday, July 30, 2010


Quick rundown of happenings that may need more elaboration at a later date but I need to get some things off my chest right now before I explode.

- BJ's ex felt the need to threaten taking him to court because he asked (albeit belatedly) if he could have the Little Guy Thursday night. The LG was scheduled to leave for the beach for a few days and BJ realized that if he didn't see him Thursday night (our night anyway) that he wouldn't see him until Monday afternoon. She blew a fuse. And then he blew a fuse. It got really nasty with all sorts of threats going back and forth between them and her ending up in tears. I don't know where she gets off threatening court to him. If a judge ever ruled on a visitation schedule it would only mess her life up as she is the one that always needs to switch days and weekends because she can't figure out how to make plans (or just NOT do something she wants) according to the schedule that is already set. UGH!

- I went to a funeral Tuesday for an ex-family member of mine. It was so emotionally draining that I'm still trying to recover. The thing is, my feelings of angst aren't even related to the death of the person. She had suffered for a long time and is now finally in a better place with loved ones that preceded her. It was the company of my ex and his family that got to me. It was like I was sucked into a time warp of a life that is no longer mine. And it was really hard. And it's still hard.

- My boss informed me in passing yesterday that I should be prepared to work overtime for the next few months (until the elections) because things are going to be pretty busy. I'm infuriated over the way she approached me about it and then just walked away. I have no problems finishing something that I'm working on if it can't wait until the next day, but the way things go in my office is that everything is a contest. There is one co-worker in particular that thinks everyone should stay as late as she does or else they aren't doing a good enough job. I'm sure this is where the request came from. I've been here 10 years and she's never said anything like that to me before. I would love to come in earlier in the morning, but that is not what they are looking for. And my commute is not their problem, but c'mon! I can't help it that they don't have a family at home. And just because all their meetings are over by 5:00 and that's when THEY sit down to actually work, doesn't mean that I don't work all day long.

- I'm in a rotten ass mood this week. We have a big meeting next week and people keep coming to me with all the questions and concerns. Most of which is all above my pay grade. I try to help but that just generates more questions. The main person that should be working on this meeting has been out...and will be busy the day before the meeting. Unreal! How do I get saddled with all this crap and everyone under the sun coming to me for answers??

- We missed the big O day. I'm not surprised. It always works out that we miss it. I'm fairly certain that I ovulated last Saturday. I did the OPK thing Friday mid-morning and it was negative. I did it again Friday late evening and it was positive. I started feeling ovulation Saturday morning. I've decided that I have a very weak LH surge. We did our thing Saturday night but I'm pretty sure it was too late. And to top things off, I saw EWCM not once, not twice, but 3 times this cycle!! I'm very excited about that. Not so much about getting a positive OPK on CD9 and then feeling ovulation on CD 10, but that has happened before.

- I'm extra cranky this week and I don't know why. I feel like I'm PMS'ing to the max and I don't like it. Everything is ticking me off and I'm ready to bite someone's head off. I'm glad today is Friday. I'm glad the weather is not as humid and steamy. I'm hoping for a nice relaxing weekend to destress myself. I have to take Gizmo to the vet tomorrow morning for his last distemper shot. He's getting bigger by the day and it only reminds me that he won't be a baby for long. One of the highlights of each day is coming home and having him fall over in front of me in anticipation of being petted. He really is a sweetheart. Smokey and he played for a while yesterday...I missed it but BJ was a witness. He said he laughed and laughed at them.

- My left ovary is hurting today. I'm guessing that I have a cyst on there. That would not come as a surprise but it still annoys me.

- ok, enough bitching. I'm ready to start my day (over) and take some deep breaths and try to make the most of this day. I hope you all have a great weekend and that my next post is neither depressing or angry. :-)

Monday, July 26, 2010

Meet Gizmo

Long before we moved into our new house, BJ has told the Little Guy that we will get a new kitten. I already have a cat. She's 9 years old and can be a bit ornery, to say the least. The Little Guy has always had a fear of her and BJ just doesn't really like her very much. He's not a cat person. He finds them to be useless fur balls. My cat, Smokey, is so sweet most of the time and she loves me and loves to cuddle with me. They have a bit of a love/hate relationship with each other. She makes us laugh and she irritates him...especially if he gets a cat hair in his food. So it came as a surprise that he would actually let us get another feline.

So we moved into the new house. And we had to wait for kittens to be in season. Then we had to wait for a free weekend that we had the Little Guy so that we could go to the Rescue place and take a look. We finally settled on a day sort of spur of the moment. The Little Guy had mentioned to me that he thought we were never going to get a kitten and I didn't want him to be disappointed so I sort of just brought it up....and BJ agreed to go and look.

We saw about 30 kittens that afternoon and we held a couple that had really cool markings. Two of them were very and tan tabby cats. I held the first one and he purred so loudly that my heart just melted. Then we saw another one in a different room that had the greatest spots and stripes but when I held him, he didn't purr.

The Little guy said he wanted the first one and the more I petted him and listened to him purring, I knew he was ours. So we went to the pet store and spent way too much money on new cat stuff and then went to lunch. We had to wait for him to get his last shot and for them to get all the paper work in order. As we sat there, the name Gizmo just came to me. All the other names that we came up with just didn't seem to fit him. We even looked online for names after we had him home. So Gizmo it is.

Now, the fun part. We brought him home on Sunday. On Monday we noticed his one eye was watering. We shrugged it off as being from stress and such. Then on Tuesday, BJ got home and poor Gizmo couldn't open his eye. Both eyes were oozing and swollen. I made an appointment for after work Wednesday. He had an upper respiratory infection and I was given antibiotics and eye ointment. I felt terrible for him. He felt bad and didn't know what was happening to him and why his new mom was putting ointment in his eyes twice a day!

He began to get more energy but his eyes were terrible still. I had to take him in the next Monday again because I was so worried. I even told my boss I had to take him to the vet and would be late to work. A different doctor (that I like much more) gave me drops for his eyes and increased his dosage of the antibiotics. Within 2 days he was acting like a kitten should...running around and playing and just being silly. I am so relieved that he's well again.

Smokey is becoming more and more tolerant of him. She doesn't like him but I think she wants to like him. She bats at him and still hisses sometimes, but all in all they are doing ok together. He is such a loveable cat. He meows (squeaks, really) to get attention and then when you look at him he rolls over on his side or back so that you can pet his belly. He finally found our bed late last week and ended up waking us up a bunch of times to get some love. BJ said that was the end of that until he learns to just sleep at night. I'm very sad because we now have to shut the bedroom door which means we can sleep, but I miss my Smokey. We snuggle together so well during the night and she greets me as soon as I hit the snooze on my alarm clock.

Gizmo then started waking up the Little Guy on Saturday and Sunday morning really early. He needs his sleep or else he just doesn't function right so when he's at our house his door will have to be closed, too. And to let you know how sweet the Little Guy is....he let Smokey into our room Sunday morning so that she could come see me. I felt her jump on me and looked and saw the door still shut so I knew what had happened. She was so happy to lay with me...I love my kitties.

So here are a couple of pictures of our new baby. He has already grown so much in the 2 weeks that we have had him. My hand doesn't cover his entire belly anymore! He won't be a baby for long.

And here are a couple of pictures of my 2 babies. I can not believe the great photo ops that they have presented me with.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

It Doesn't Get Easier

As hard as I may try, it doesn't get any easier to go on month after month and keep up the faith and the hope. It's hard for so many reasons but mainly because I know the outcome. It's hard to get passed the fact that I've been trying to get pregnant for over 9 years. And in those 9 years I've had regular periods, ewcm, temperature spikes. I know that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. Well, except for the not getting pregnant part. The only explanations are either bad eggs, crazy unknown hormone issues or a lining issue. Knowing that doesn't make things easier.

As many of my regular readers know, we moved into a new house in a new development last December. Other than the people right next to us, no one on the cul de sac has children. It's odd because you would think that a cul de sac would be ripe for families and those planning on families. That's why we picked a lot there. The first people to live on the cul de sac are older than us and I've only spoken to the husband, Paul once or twice. I have waved to the wife, April as she walked her dogs. There are more dogs in our circle of houses than kids, funny, I just realized that. Anyway, Paul and April just got married in March. One of them has a son that goes to college. And when I say goes, I mean that he lives at college. BJ was watering the lawn yesterday and talking to the lady right next door to us, Kim. Paul came by with the dogs. Kim asked why she/we haven't seen April out and about lately like we used to. I was inside and BJ tells me all of this when he comes in. Paul's answer...."April's pregnant. It's not something we planned for right now...not that we weren't going to try. But we weren't expecting it this soon. She's due in December so it's basically a honeymoon baby. She's been really sick and having a very hard time of things lately." And I said to BJ, "of course she's pregnant...I mean they just got married in March, right??" And then I told him that it never gets easier to hear these announcements. He agreed with me. I wish he wouldn't have told me. I wish that I would have just seen her with a belly down the road. Oh well.

And to make matters worse...Kim knows of BJ's and my struggles with IF. Not all the nitty gritty but I told her that we tried and failed with IUI's and an IVF. So when she stops by to get her son (he didn't want to walk with her so he hung out with us) she blurts out Paul and April's news. As if my own husband weren't going to tell me, she felt the need to let me know. How f'ing sweet of her.

In cycle news....I'm not temping this month. Things haven't gotten off to a good start so I threw it out the window for this cycle. I had some ewcm yesterday, which is odd because it was only CD7 so I decided to test with an opk today. It was negative. Ovulation should occur this weekend....of course we have the Little Guy so who knows what will happen in our house as far as sexy time goes. I'm going to try and get some tonight (sounds very frat boy, doesn't it) so at least if it happens early, I'll be covered.

I will post about our new kitten, Gizmo, either tomorrow or early next week. He is one of the reasons my temping is not happening...he likes to keep me awake at night.

I will try and return to my normal blogging pattern very soon. I'm just still not feeling quite like myself. I appreciate each and every one of your comments and it's comforting to know that you are out there. Ya'll are great.

Friday, July 16, 2010


I know I've been gone for a bit. I haven't felt much like writing. Well, that's not entirely true. I always feel like writing because I always have things swarming around in my head that need to come out. What I don't feel like doing is only writing about my despair. Let me explain.

Last week (7/7) was the 1 year anniversary of my egg retrieval. It was a day full of hope and dread and expectation. Saturday (7/10) was the 1 year anniversary of my transfer. The day that I looked at my 2 beautiful embies and was filled with more love and hope that I have ever known. I felt like a mother. I felt like I had children to love and look after and protect. In my eyes and heart, life begins at conception. My thinking was very straight forward (to me a least)...God wouldn't let the eggs fertilize if He weren't going to let me keep them and hold them in my arms in 9 months time, right? I was wrong. For reasons that are only His, my embies didn't make it. I lost them. I know that there is a big difference in losing embies and losing a pregnancy. I can't really compare my loss to someone that has had an actual miscarriage, I would never do that. All I can convey here is my feelings of loss. I feel like I lost 2 babies. They were living cells that were dividing and thriving in the dish, albeit for only 3 days, but still.

I didn't post anything last week because every post would have been about sadness, despair, disappointment, anger and frustration. This post is not going to be much better. But I'm feeling a little better. The next big dates are going to be the 1 year anniversary of my hpt BFN and then my beta BFN. It's a tough time for me. I want to cry and mourn and spend a day or 2 just vegging on the couch or laying in my bed sleeping. I can't do that. I've been so busy the last couple of weeks at work that I barely have time to pee during the day. I have some important tasks to concentrate on at the office. The Little Guy has been sick with a stomach bug and that helped me get through the weekend. I know that sounds strange, but the fact that I needed to tend to him and worry about him helped me hide my true feelings of sadness inside.

I feel like that's all I've been doing; hiding my true feelings. I'm all business at work and then I go home and pretend like I'm fine. BJ has no idea of the turmoil I'm putting myself through. I won't burden him with it. Plus, he doesn't understand my sadness and how I carry it around. He likes to think that I can handle anything. He likes to know that I'm not going to fall apart any second even though that's how I feel. He doesn't know how to handle my sadness or my depression...he knows there's nothing he can do to help me. This frustrates him. Hence, why I don't want to reveal my true feelings to him. It can sometimes cause friction between us. When he feels helpless he gets agitated. When he's agitated he can be...difficult. I don't need the added stress so it's better if he just thinks I'm fine. I'm slipping down pretty far and I feel like I might overflow at any time.

I don't like this slipping feeling. I feel like my feet aren't planted on the ground. I feel like I'm Fred Flintstone and I'm running so fast that my feet don't get traction and I don't go anywhere. I want to feel better. I want to smile a real smile. I want to enjoy sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband. Right now, I'm quieter than usual and I feel disconnected at home. I feel sort of numb. Not sort of, I feel very numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life because that's all there is right now....the motions. It's almost like I'm an observer of my own life. Like I'm just watching it all happen through a fog of sorts. It's very hard to explain.

And to top things off, I was actually dumb enough to think that I might have the fortune of getting a BFP this week. Since, you know, it's the 1 year anniversary of the biggest failure of my life. My boobs were sore for several days and I didn't feel any AF signs. It was not to be. The period started just before I went to bed Wednesday night. And the funny thing is that BJ doesn't even know. That's how good I am at keeping things to myself. I know it's not a good trait, but it has its advantages.

I think this depression episode is directly related to my IVF failure. I also think that it's a direct result of getting closer to the realization that I will not have a child of my own. My mind obviously knows this. It's my heart that has a hard time accepting that fact. My heart is what gets broken month after month but yet it still yearns for a baby. I don't know how much longer I will travel this path. The way I feel right now is not the way I will feel next week. Or so I hope. Because right now, I'm ready to call my GYN and tell her that I want to get that new birth control contraption (essure?) that is permanent. That way, there is no choice but to give up and have my heart accept its fate of a childless life. Maybe then I can get on with my life and treasure what I DO have a little more. Not that I don't treasure it now, but if I knew it was all I was ever going to have, I might be a little more thankful. And there's nothing like permanent birth control to get that to sink in.

I'm sorry to post such a downer post. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just getting some things off my mind. And the last thing I want is to bring everyone else down. But I wanted to post an update. I probably won't post again until I'm feeling better. I haven't been reading your blogs that much lately, either. I felt like I needed to step away from the infertile world for a bit. I'm hoping to get caught up this weekend and even leave some encouraging and supportive comments. Y'all are the greatest and you deserve support and love just the same. And I want to be there for you as you have been there for me in my times of need.

When I'm feeling better and more chipper I will share the story of some good news with you...we adopted a kitten. I will post pictures and all about him hopefully next week. I'm hoping that this weekend will yield some peace and a release from the stranglehold I feel right now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Smile lots, laugh more and love to the fullest.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Happiness Is...

- a crab feast and watching fireworks on a pier with good company. It was a great way to spend the evening. It was warm but not hot and I didn't get cold one time. I always get cold over at their house because they live right on the river and it's shady and there's always a breeze so I bring pants and tennis shoes to change into. Didn't need to change this time. The breeze was minimal and the shade trees kept it a perfect temperature. Happy Independence Day!

- my Maytag Bravo washer and dryer. I <3 them greatly. It was one of the toughest decisions we made when buying the new house. We did lots of research and were overwhelmed by all the options and reviews. We decided on this set and I love it. It washes and dries well and it senses the clothes level in the washer and the wetness level in the dryer. I hardly ever have to put anything back in to dry longer. Only once in a while with jeans.

- a 3 day weekend with my honey. It was almost like a vacation. We didn't have any real plans other than the crab feast on Sunday. We lounged, ran some errands, did some cleaning and lounged some more. We slept in really late (for us) and it felt really good.

- buying a children's detangler for my hair. I'm so happy that it worked and it was cheap. My new shampoo (they didn't have my regular kind when I ran out) tangles my hair really badly no matter how careful I am when I wash it. I even tried brushing my hair before I got in the shower. Tangle City. So now I have my spray in detangler. I used it for the first time last night and it worked great. I don't like using conditioner on my hair because it weighs my hair down and makes it "greasy" since I have such fine hair. Hopefully this detangler will continue to do the trick.

Friday, July 2, 2010


Since this is my outlet and I feel pretty safe here, I'm going to lay out some things in my life that I'm afraid of. It helps me to get these things off my chest and hopefully off my mind for a little while. I'm sure some of these fears will have people rolling their eyes or scoffing and I might even offend some of you. None of that is my intent...only to maybe help someone else out there that has had these feelings and thinks they may be alone or "wrong" in what they feel. You are not alone. My mind can cook up some pretty off the wall and unexplained things to be afraid of.

As most of you know, I was married before. During that relationship, I was always afraid that I was going to be without my husband. I could never put my finger on it but I was convinced that he would be taken away from me. As our marriage crumbled right before my eyes that realization came to fruition. My fear came true. I was alone and without him. My future was unknown. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was afraid of being alone and on my own. I didn't know how to be TeeJay because I spent so many years being C's wife, part of a twosome that was nearly inseparable. I had been happy that way...pretty carefree, actually. Then my marriage ended and I was overcome with many fears about who I was and where I was going. It was too much for me to handle and I needed to get on an anti-depressant.

I met BJ a few months after I split with my ex. We were just friends for a little while, mainly because I was afraid of another relationship. I didn't know how to be a girlfriend or even just casually date someone. Things moved pretty quickly anyway and before I knew it I was invested in this new relationship. That terrified me. I didn't know how to love someone else. I didn't know how to be loved by someone else. It took me a while to admit to myself that I fell in love with BJ. Then we moved in together, got married and started our life together.

I now have a whole new set of fears. I fear that things will go south suddenly, like with my last marriage. Sure, I'm older and wiser now, but that doesn't help my inner fears to disappear. I'm afraid that if I do something wrong, he'll come to me and tell me that he's not happy. I'm afraid that he will leave and I'll be all alone again. I have no reason to think that things are on the rocks. Things are actually very good with us right now. But the fear sits there and torments me every time we have a disagreement. I don't know what to do about it. It just won't go away.

Then there's the whole TTC thing. I'm afraid of never getting pregnant. I think most of you can relate to that fear. It's a fear that definitely haunts me daily. Then there's this other fear. The one that some of you my turn your noses up at. What if I do get pregnant?

If I get pregnant...will I mis-carry? Will I carry to term? If I carry to term will I have a healthy baby? Will motherhood be overwhelming for me? Will I regret gaining weight and getting stretch marks and all the other changes that will happen to my body? What if BJ doesn't like me anymore after pregnancy? Will I be disappointed if I'm not magically happy after I have a baby? What about my parenting relationship with my husband? Will we butt heads? Will we drift apart? What will motherhood do to how I feel about my job? Will I be ok with working and leaving my child with someone else? What if I'm not? Have I built up motherhood too much? It's almost like "be careful what you wish for..."

My head is spinning...

Sometimes I wonder if my fears have somehow stopped me from conceiving. I've heard that there is a direct connection between the subconscious and our overall well being. Not sure how much it has really affected me...but's one of my fears. Apparently, I have many of them.

I know with my brain that it's ok to have these fears. I know that it's ok to wonder what life will be like after having a baby. It really changes everything about your life and who you are. I just hope that by having these fears, and giving them a voice, I haven't sabotaged myself. I really DO want a baby and I really DO want to be a mother. And I really love my husband and can't imagine my life without him. But still, the fears linger.