Wednesday, September 30, 2009

News I Didn't Want

I found my opk's yesterday on the kitchen counter, half under the griddle. BJ never saw them. The Little Guy ended up staying with his mom last night because he wasn't feeling good and she had picked him up from school. Awkwardness avoided.

I tested and wouldn't you know it came up positive? I haven't seen a positive opk since I started using them again 2 cycles ago. Yesterday was only CD9. We BD'd the night before. As you know, BJ doesn't like pressure to get things done. There was no way I could just seduce him without him knowing what was going on. Especially since we had already decided to watch Hell's Kitchen and then Heroes season opener that I had recorded. I told him I tested positive and he made no mention of trying to get things going. I get so frustrated with his attitude about BD'ing. I really don't know why it's so hard to have sex 2 or 3 nights in a row. I'm not asking for 2 or 3 times a DAY. I know scheduling it is not ideal, but when you are TRYING TO HAVE A BABY it makes sense that sometimes you might have to. I'm only fertile for about 2 or 3 days anyway so what is the big deal? I was so bummed to see that positive test yesterday. And now I feel my ovary pushing the egg out and I know that it will be too late when I get home to do anything about it. So here is another month washed up. DAMN IT. Will my baby EVER get made?

The other news I didn't want to get is that my sister is doing worse. Her pain is really bad and she doesn't want to take anything stronger for fear that she won't be able to function properly to take care of her kids. Her hands and fingers are tingling more and she's experiencing more numbness. Her balance is off and she's getting dizzy spells. I told her to call that doctor and tell them that she needs to be seen sooner than 10/15. It's crazy to make her wait. I'm very worried about her and scared for her. I hate being so far away from her. I don't know why any doctor would make her wait like this when her condition is obviously deteriorating. Ugh...I'm so helpless to her.

My temp was elevated this morning all the way up to 98.2. Maybe it was a low grade fever? I'm not feeling very good today. I woke up at 4:30 and that is an hour or so before normal so maybe that was why. I'm starting to wonder if my thermometer is whacked. I brought it with me to work. I temped 30 minutes ago and was at 97.9. A minute ago I was at 98.1. I'm going to trust the opk and my ovary pain to let me know that I'm ovulating today. My temps are too all over the place to take them seriously. I hope they settle in place tomorrow morning for the duration of my cycle.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

CD9 - I'd Forget My Head....

I can't believe I walked out of the house today without my opk's. I'm such a blond sometimes. I pulled them out of the box this morning, turned the packages so they all faced the same way (I'm a little ocd that way) and for the life of me I can't remember where I set them down. They are either in my bathroom on the counter, which is fine because the Little Guy will have no reason to go up there. Or they are on the kitchen counter. I know where they AREN' at work with me. I saved up my "sample" and was so proud that I waited until 11:30 to go to the bathroom. Then it hit me...I DON'T HAVE THEM WITH ME. Doh! I checked my bag, not there. I checked my purse, not there. I checked my pockets, not there. Damn it. One of two scenarios will play out:

1) BJ saw them on the kitchen counter and put them somewhere that the Little Guy won't see them.
2) The Little Guy will come bounding in the door through the kitchen and will pick them up and try to say "ovulation" and proceed to ask BJ, "what are THESE?"

Great. Let's hope it's scenario number 1 or at least that I left them upstairs in the bathroom. I'm suffering from CRS (Can't Remember Shit) and I have no idea where they went after I so neatly straightened them out.

I had some more creamy/watery cm last night and this morning and now I have to wait to test until I get home. I'm sure that we haven't missed anything. I was only a day early last cycle and today is only CD9. I just wanted to get used to testing. Plus, I figured out a good way to hide what I'm doing at work. I decided not to bring my little cups and just use the coffee cups provided here at work. I was going to take 2 cups to the bathroom (stacked together) and then after the "process" just take the left over cup down to the coffee machine for some hot water. No one would realize that I had 2 cups when I went in and only 1 when I came out.

Murphy's law I guess.

Monday, September 28, 2009

CD8 - I Think I Can, I Think I Can

Weekend stuff later....for now, I want to concentrate all my energies to getting an LH surge and ovulating. Today is CD8 and I'm starting to show signs of impending ovulation. Well, if you don't count my crazy temps (98.0 today) I'm getting close to ovulating. I started having the watery CM last night. I will start my opk's tomorrow. There are so many rules about these things.

Don't use FMU
Don't drink for 2 hours
Don't pee for 2-3 hours
Test between 10:00 and 3:00
Don't pee on your hand
Don't overflow the cup
Don't knock the cup off the counter after dipping your opk strip

Ok, well I made the last 3 up but still. I'm going to attempt to test at work tomorrow. I usually drink a bottle of water between 8:30 and 9:30. I'm hoping that I can hold everything until 10:30. But I'm usually in the bathroom by 9:45 going like a race horse. It should be interesting, too since I need to carry the cup with me down the hall to the bathroom. I hope I don't miss the cup. The cups are so small and my stream (tmi) goes every which way sometimes. Ugh...not a fun prospect. But I'm up for the battle! I'm going to pinpoint ovulation this month if it's the last thing I do! See, I'm a trooper.

Our weekend was nice. We went to a HUGE furniture warehouse liquidation sale and of course found a wonderful kitchen table. We can't buy anything now because every dime we have that is extra goes into the savings account for our down payment and our washer and dryer. This table will be perfect and I hope they still have it in a couple of months. I'm so picky when it comes to furniture that I can't believe we found a piece that we BOTH liked. It's shaped like a triangle but the sides have a slight arch to them. It comes with 4 chairs and it's the high kind of table. Not as high as a cocktail table but high enough to be higher than your average kitchen table. Our eat in area isn't huge in the new house and this table would fit perfectly. I'm holding out hope that they still have it when we want it.

Yesterday we went by the house since no workers would be there. We had a blast walking around and seeing all the rooms and trying to figure out where the furniture would go. Looking out our windows at our back yard and dreaming of a pool and grass to play in. When we were upstairs, we went to bedroom #4 and I told the Little Guy that it is a spare bedroom for now and BJ said, "well, if we have a baby it will be in this room". And I said, "yeah, stupid nursery" under my breath. Then the Little Guy wanted to know why he only had 1 window and the baby gets 2 windows. How cute is that? Sibling rivalry when there isn't even a sibling. We explained that his room is about 10 inches bigger and he seemed fine with that. Whew, crisis averted. Although, BJ did tell him that he could choose once everything is done. He still said he wanted the other room. Then BJ said that he'd rather the baby's room be the playroom (closer to the master) until I reminded him how small the playroom is and that I would have a monitor anyway so it didn't matter how far away the nursery was. It's wishful thinking but we just can't help it. We want it so bad. That room is going to haunt me every time I go in it. It SHOULD be the nursery as soon as we move in. My IVF SHOULD have worked. I know I harp on it a lot but it's on my mind a lot and I'm allowed because it's my blog and my rules. (Ok, temper tantrum over). BJ even asked me if his Lyme Disease medicine would mess up his swimmers and make them not good for getting me pregnant. Just the fact that he even thought of that lets me know that it's on his mind, too. Sometimes I wonder because he never really talks about it and just sort of seems non-chalant (I know that is spelled wrong) when my period starts. But he's a guy so I guess that's to be expected.

I'm still going to temp and I'm starting my opk's tomorrow. I'm hoping to get some BD'ing in tonight and then again (at least once) Thursday through Saturday. We have the Little Guy again this weekend. It's more difficult to do stuff after he goes to bed in this rental house as our bedroom shares a wall with his. If we wait until we are sure he's asleep we are too tired to muster the energy. Why does baby making have to be so complicated?

Friday, September 25, 2009

CD5 - Another Whacky Temp

Thank you ladies (you know who you are) for the thoughts and prayers for my sister and SIL. I'm going to need some prayers for my sanity when it comes time for my sister's surgery.

And thank you for helping me stabilize my crazy mind about the things my body is doing. I'm always over analyzing every little thing.

That leads me to my temp this morning. 98.3....WTH? I woke up a few times during the night but was right back to sleep. I took my temp at the regular time. I'm not sure what's going on. Now I hear this little voice in the back of my head....I'm sure you can all imagine what it's saying to me...

"maybe you're really pregnant" "your temps the last 2 days have been above your original cover line"

SHUT UP! I had a period, yes it was light, but it was a period. My temp dropped, I got a headache and I bled...ENOUGH! :-)

You know how we infertiles are...always searching for the next pregnancy symptom...always looking for that miracle COULD be just around the corner, you know.

What I DO know is that I'm not body has just not been the same since my IVF cycle. I'm not used to that. I'm so regular, it's scary. And now I'm not...and that is even more scary to me. Did I mess something up? Am I even LESS likely to get pregnant on my own now?


Sometimes I think it's just too much. I just want to be one of those girls that just happens to look at the calendar and realize that her period is late and rush out to buy a test and gets the shock of her life. But that is not me. That is not my reality. So I will just sit here and wait to see what happens with my temp tomorrow morning.

And of course it rained for a good portion of the morning so I doubt they worked on our house today. They were supposed to get the roof trusses done today and maybe even the plywood. BJ will check on his way home to see if we got lucky and they worked in the sprinkles.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

CD4 - Raining and Pouring

As you know, BJ was recently diagnosed with Lyme Disease. He's been taking his meds and he will go back to his doctor in mid-October for more blood work. He seems to be doing ok other than he just can't sleep worth a darn. Anyway....we were at his sister's a few weeks ago talking about his situation. She brings up the fact that she got a tick bite about 6 months or so ago and it left a big welt/rash on her and now she even has a scar. She recently went to her doctor for a "fluttering" heart. He put her on a monitor for 24 hours. Her heart didn't do anything so she just dismissed it. Her legs are achy and she's always tired. We suggested she get tested for Lyme Disease. Low and behold she is positive. I was so upset with her for not getting tested after the bite left that mark on her. EVERYONE knows (especially in our neck of the woods) how common this condition is. Plus, I didn't know that she wasn't seeing a cardiologist...just her PCP. Ugh! What kind of a quack doctor is not going to send her to a cardiologist? BJ and I jumped all over her for that and now she has an appointment with the cardiologist that we have seen in the past. Her condition sounds much worse than BJ's since she is having the heart issues. I bet she'll have to have the IV drug treatment. I just don't know how she let this go.

That's the rain for the pouring part.

My sister (27) has recently been diagnosed with Chiari Malformation. Part of the base of her brain is "sliding" down into her spine. Her doctor told her that maybe in the future she would need surgery to help/correct the condition. This was less than 2 weeks ago. She started having more pain and dizziness so she called her doctor. He told her to set up an appointment right away with a neurosurgeon. She goes in on 10/15. They are most likely going to have to operate on my sister's skull. They will remove parts of it to let things "shift" into proper place. My sister lives in PA, 3 hours from me. There is a long history between us that I won't get into today. I love her dearly and I'm scared for her and her little kids. She has a 7 year old boy and a 16 month old girl. This is not a good time to be a sister in our family.

On to TTC stuff - I am on CD4 and my period is all but over. It was pretty much over yesterday. I don't know what it is lately or even if it's a good thing, but I like the shorter, lighter period. I've always been a moderate to heavy flow. I usually spot a day or 2 before it shows, bleed for 3-4 days and then spot for another day or 2. These past 2 cycles have been bleed for 2 days and be done. Hell yeah! However, I worry that I now have a hormonal imbalance and an inhospitable lining. Anyone have a way to reassure me that my lining is still good even though it's a lot lighter than usual? Should I be doing something to beef things up? That sounds great, doesn't it? And as much as we all hate our period coming, it seems awfully ironic to be wishing it were heavier. No wonder I can't get pregnant....I'm always contradicting myself so my body thinks I don't really want to BE pregnant. I know that's not true, but it's a thought running around this crazy head of mine sometimes.

I will start using the opk strips on CD9 and hope to get a positive and a really good chance this time around. But I always think that and it gets me nowhere. Ever the optimist. My temp was 98.0 this morning and that is high (for me) for pre-ovulation. I didn't sleep well and I woke up for about 20 minutes at one point during the night. I didn't get up, but I was definitely awake and tossing in bed. Not sure if I should keep that temp.

They are framing our house and I hope to be able to put some pictures up tomorrow. They should have most of it done by Monday because the HVAC is scheduled for rough in on Tuesday! Yay for progress!

Monday, September 21, 2009

CD1 - Back at the Start Line

I don't have much time but I wanted to post a quick update....

As you can see by the title of today's post, my stupid, mean, heartless, cruel period has arrived.

I had no spotting.
My moods were fine (no snipping or crying).
I had at least 3 nights where I was feeling nauseous.
My temps were staying above the cover line....until this morning of course.
I didn't get a headache until yesterday afternoon....which of course I talked myself into believing it was because of all the yelling I was doing at the TV watching football.
I was supposed to "start" Saturday so it was late...I'm never late, well until last month. I hope this isn't a new trend.

All these things put me right back where I hate being...on the Hope Train. I don't know why I ride it every month. I should know better. But yet, I can't help it. I start to wonder when I should buy a hpt? How will I tell BJ? How will we tell the Little Guy? All these things I dream about and then BAM! Down goes the temp and here comes the period. It's all so f'ing frustrating. When is it my turn? When do I get to spread good news? When do I get to register for baby stuff? When do I get to paint a nursery? When do I get to be the pregnant lady waddling down the sidewalk in the city? There is no answer. There is no timeline. There are no promises of a BFP...ever. But yet I keep trying. I guess the answer I should be seeking is why do I keep putting myself through this? There doesn't seem to be a finish line, just a vicious circle in which I keep running...chasing those 2 lines. Good thing I bought new shoes on Friday.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

CD24 - The End of the 2ww?

First, I want to extend my deepest sympathies for Eileen today. She has just suffered an unbelievable loss. Please head on over to her blog and lend her a shoulder to cry on.

My temp was 98.1 this morning. I think it's the beginning of the end of my 2ww. Yes, I was excited for it to be here. And now, I'm sad to see it fading in the distance. I know that I haven't officially dropped below the coverline yet, but I feel like tomorrow morning will be the morning. I'm going to try not to let it get me down. Especially since tomorrow is BJ's birthday. The day will be bad enough as we have a viewing to go to that I will explain a little below.

I took off work tomorrow and Friday because we usually go away for his birthday. Even if it's just to Ocean City or Atlantic City. Not this year. We are saving our money. He has decided to take off Friday anyway and we will just spend the day together. I plan on baking an apple pie for him tomorrow. I've made 2 or 3 over the years and they have turned out pretty good. Betty Crocker I am not so this is a feat to say the least. He's not big on cake but he loves apple pie. We will be going to Outback for dinner Friday with his sister and her family. I'm really looking forward to it. I like family things. The period will probably be here Friday or Saturday but like I said, I'm going to try not to let it get me down. I know it's coming so it's no big shocker. She shows up every month like the electric bill.

The viewing we have tomorrow evening (the reason we are not doing dinner with the family tomorrow) is for BJ's boss's son. He OD'd on heroine and was found Saturday morning. He has had his battles with drugs, been in and out of rehab, in trouble with the law. The boss did what he could to help, even went as far as giving up his own addictions/habits in an effort to help his youngest son. He was only 23 or 24. I met him a couple of times. He was a very nice guy. But he had his demons. Now he's gone. It's so very sad. I feel so bad for his family. I know quite a few of them and this has hit them hard. I know their pain of losing a sibling all too well. Christopher is not the only brother I have lost. That's not what this post is about. That's for another day. This ordeal with the boss's son fills me with fear. I fear the Little Guy's future. I'm so afraid for what he will encounter growing up. I tell him how bad drugs are and make him promise to never do them. But he's 8...he has no idea what I'm talking about. I know it's good to start talking to them young but it feels "dirty" sometimes. He has a heart condition that has been corrected and we tell him that drugs will be too much for his heart to handle. I'm hoping that we scare him. I know that's terrible, but as a (step) parent, I want him to have that fear...if he's afraid, then maybe he will never try drugs. I'm a good example for him...I've never done any drugs. I'm hoping that he will take after my example and steer clear of them. We have a long road ahead of us.

In other news....our house has been delayed about 3 days. Apparently the inspector was extremely picky about the foundation and our contractor gave him a piece of his mind which in turn caused the inspector to drag his feet. Gotta love a power struggle. So now the framing is set to begin on Tuesday of next week. I should have pictures Wednesday! The contractor said that he'd have a double crew out there if it looked like they were getting too far off schedule. That's nice to hear. What's not nice to hear is the weather report for the next couple of days....rain. Blah. I will just keep rolling right along.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

CD23 - Gearing up for the Next Round

I'm going with the graphic stuff first. I don't know what is going on with my CM. I never had anything to write home about this cycle (pre-ovulation) as far as CM goes. It got a little creamy but never watery. And since the big ovulation day (FF says CD13 but I really think it was CD12) I have had quite a few days of sticky CM. I guess I can't really read anything into that. The female body is full of all kinds of conundrums. My temps were 98.3 for 5 days in a row, went down to 98.1 on CD21 (9dpo by me, 8dpo by FF) and then jumped up to 98.4 and then this morning I was back at 98.3.

I was actually dumb enough to get a little excited about the dip and then the rise until I started paying attention to my other signs. I'm getting snippy, I'm getting tired, I'm getting sentimental. And last night my joints in my knees and my hip started aching. All of these are signs that the period will be making an appearance very soon. She's not due to show her ugly face until Saturday, and the time line of these symptoms is right on schedule. I imagine that my thermometer will be thrown across the room by Thursday morning as I'm sure it will be displaying a temperature drop that I so do NOT want to see. But I feel armed and ready for next cycle. I have my little pee cups to dip my new opk strips in and we have our swimmer friendly lube in the night stand. Bring on next cycle....I'm not scurd.

(Loss mentioned in story below)

Today is the anniversary of my little brother's birth. My Dad and step-mom's first son. He was born 3 months early on this day 26 years ago. My how I wish medicine were as advanced back then because he would probably still be with us today. I was 7 years old. My Dad and I were at the hospital. I remember his friend, Tommy was there with his wife, Carol. My Dad asked them to take me home with them. We arrived at their trailer and almost immediately the phone rang. I didn't hear what was said but I knew it wasn't good. I didn't understand exactly what was happening but I remember my Dad and Step-mom picking me up a short time later. I was in the front seat, in the middle of them. Mind you, this was 1983 so there were not child safety seat laws or seat belt laws for that matter. My Step-mom was crying. My dad was looking straight ahead as he drove. He said to me, his voice cracking "I'm sorry you only got to see him in a picture, Princess". I think I said that it was ok but I'm not sure. I had never seen my Dad sad before. To a 7-year old it kind of sticks with you.

I only recently found out that it took them 3 years to conceive little Christopher. I can't even imagine their pain at losing him when he was 2 days old. Life is so unfair sometimes. It must have been so hard to hold him knowing that he wasn't ready to be out in the world yet and just wishing they could put him back for a little while. My poor parents. They were strong, though. They pushed through their grief by jumping back in the pool, so to speak. She was pregnant again by February. My shining star brother, Brian, was born in October...he was about a month early. I will tell his story another day.

I miss you little Christopher. Even though I never knew you, you will always be my brother.

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Day of Remembrance

There probably aren't too many people that have forgotten where they were and what they were doing 8 years ago today. The day that changed everything for a lot of people. Not just Americans. A day that will live on in infamy like no other in my lifetime (up to now). I remember it very clearly....

I ride a bus to DC for work every day. I work across from the White House. I was wearing a black shirt with a long gray and black skirt. I was listening to my usual morning talk radio with my headphones. We turned onto K Street and it went to commercial. I decided to just pack everything up and get ready as my stop was coming up in a few blocks. I got off the bus and walked the 2 blocks to my building. I set my stuff down in my cubicle and turned on my computer and my work phone. My (then) husband called me to ask if I had heard the news. What news? He proceeded to tell me that a plane crashed into one of the Twin Towers and they don't think it was an accident. WTF? Other office workers were starting to arrive and some had heard and some had not. Then came the news of a second plane hitting the other Tower. I was in shock. I didn't know what to make of it. I told my (then) husband that it must have been some sort of "inside job". Terrorists never crossed my mind. The only thing I could come up with is that the pilots intentionally flew into the buildings.

There was a young worker that had a hand held radio and she took it over to the window to try and get a better signal to hear what was going on. This was before we streamed any of the news channels from our computers. As she was standing there, she said, "hey, there's a plane". I went to look and by the time I got over to the window there was only smoke rising into the sky. Then came word that the Pentagon had been hit. We were under attack. The White House is RIGHT THERE...what if they miss and hit our building? Needless to say, we soon got word that the building (and DC) were shutting down...get out now. My (then) mother in law worked here also. She offered 2 girls from her office a ride home and me. We could barely get out of the garage. Every road was bumper to bumper. We barely moved. We had the radio on. Every station was covering the story. My head was spinning...I wanted out of this city and to be home. Trying to make a phone call was impossible. I needed to let my (then) husband know I was ok. I needed to call my Dad and my mother...all impossible. We were hearing all sorts of crazy things on the radio...the Washington Monument had been hit, the IMF/World Bank had been hit. All erroneous but scary nonetheless when we first heard it. We started talking about how terrible it would be if the buildings fell. I finally got through to my dad to let him know I was ok. I started crying as soon as I heard his voice. He was such a comfort to me at that horrible time. I felt trapped by the car and I just wanted to be home. Talking to my dad made me feel safe for just those few minutes. He assured me the buildings would not fall. He told me to be strong and to call him when I got home. We listened to the buildings fall over the radio. We all cried. How could someone do this to all those people? We listened to reports from the Pentagon about fires and people running out of the building.

It took us 6 hours to get home. I sat on the couch, glued to the TV. Crying and scared. I had never seen such devastation. I felt sick to my stomach when I heard that people had been jumping out of the buildings to try and save themselves. I saw horrific pictures of ash and blood covered pedestrians. Those images were burned into my head forever. As my sadness grew, so did my anger. Anger at the people that did this. Anger at the people that didn't stop the terrorists from getting on the planes. Anger at the TV for showing these people at their worst hour of suffering. Anger that I couldn't do anything to stop it or make it better for those who were going through it.

I was exhausted and I eventually fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up it was just more of the same. All bad. But then I saw our Congress on the steps of the Capitol, singing together while holding candles. It was amazing and it made me cry all over again. It was time to stand tall. To be proud to be an American. To come together and make things better. To be strong and united. To show resolve. And that's what this country did.

The next day was a somber one. I don't think much work got done in our office. We were numb and emotionally exhausted. On the way in I saw military vehicles parked all through the city. I saw soldiers with guns on street corners. It was something I never imagined I would see in the city that I America. This was something that was commonplace in countries such as Mexico or Cuba...not here...not in my own back yard. But here it was, right in front of me...Martial Law. Trying to keep me safe, trying to reassure me, trying to ward off evil. I actually flew to visit my dad less than a week after the attacks. I never felt more safe. It took 3 planes to get me there and back (due to all the airport closings), but we got it done and I had a very nice visit with my family. I needed that visit. I needed to be with my family, to hug them and see them and laugh with them. It was some normalcy that I had been lacking since the attacks.

That is just my story. I'm sure everyone has a story about that day. There is so much more to write about the days and weeks following 9/11 but I just wanted to get my feelings and my story out there. It is something that I will always remember.

God Bless America.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Our New House

Yes, a double post today. I had to get some things off my chest and I felt it was inappropriate to post these things together. So....

I have attached some pictures of our new home site. The framing should start next Thursday. Apparently it takes a while for inspectors to come out and do their thing so that the builders can move on to backfilling and framing. But we are still on schedule and will be doing our electrical walk on 10/8. That is where we place our phone jacks, cable jacks, Internet jacks etc.

This first set of pictures is what the lot looked like when we picked it.

This is what it looked like on 8/29:

Here are the workers pouring the footers for our foundation on 9/1:

Here are the forms for the basement walls: (I know, very exciting stuff)

Ta daaa! We have a basement! This was on 9/3...they moved really fast:

And now we are in a waiting pattern but should be moving again Thursday of next week. Sounds good to me.

Trying to Make Sense of Things

Please head on over to Peanut Noodle's blog and lend her a hug. She has suffered a terrible loss after what seemed to be such a miracle. Life is so unfair. I will never understand why things like this happen. I'm a religious person. I'm a spiritual person. I don't attend church but I pray and I believe and I have faith. I try to be a good person and I try to instill good behavior and ideals into the Little Guy. I believe that God has plans for people. I believe that we don't always know those plans and that is why we have FAITH. I believe that God creates life. Yes, many people get pg with ICSI which is technically MAN creating life (because I believe life starts at conception)...but ultimately it's God's choice of whether or not it implants. These are just MY beliefs. I don't judge others or try to make them believe MY way. I hope I don't offend anyone with my beliefs. That being said....why oh why would God let life begin and then take it away? If he has no intention of letting a baby be born, then why let it implant? Why let it live for 5-10 weeks and then DEVASTATE the mother/father/family? I know, as a Christian, I am not supposed to ask WHY. I can't help it. I have read too many blogs lately where bad things have happened to these families and it MAKES.NO.SENSE. If our plan is to not ever have a baby, then don't let us get a BFP. It's that simple.

I had a friend tell me once that if I was meant to stay childless that she believed God would "take away" my desire for a baby. If only that were the case. She has PCOS along with a couple more health issues and knows she won't have a baby. She has never wanted a baby. She doesn't get the desire. She thinks she wasn't meant to have a baby and that is a good thing because she doesn't want one anyway. I'm glad that way of thinking works for her.

I have 2 friends at work. One is 45 and has 2 kids that have both graduated HS and are now in the world. The other is 48, has been married for 3 years (1st marriage) and has had 4 miscarriages in that time. She is desperate to have a baby...yes at her age. She comes from a very large family and would love nothing more than to have at least 1 baby for her and her husband. Friend #1 thinks she's crazy and wonders why she would want to go through that at her age. I understand. The desire never goes away. She won't be having a baby because she was recently diagnosed with fibroids in her uterus and now has to have a full hysterectomy. It's very sad and emotional. I agree, she is very advanced in age, but I understand her desire for the one thing that is still eluding her. I guess God's plan for her is pretty evident. Friend #1 doesn't understand because she has "been there, done that" and doesn't see what all the fuss is about. I wonder what her life would be like if she had struggled for many years to have her 2 beautiful babies instead of getting knocked up in less than 3 months of trying each time. Again, I guess it's not my place to wonder why.

It sucks. IF sucks. Loss sucks. Having a dream ripped from you in such a cruel way sucks. Are you sensing a pattern here?

So here I sit in the 2ww wondering if we got lucky this month. FF says I ovulated Saturday. According to history I would say I ovulated Friday. We did the deed Friday night and maybe some stragglers were hanging around from Tuesday's rendezvous so there is a small chance I guess. But right now, all I can think of is my friend that just lost her Peanut and how I wish I could give her a hug and make all of her pain go away.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

CD16 and Maybe a Chance This Month

Ok, so my OPK strips got here Friday. I was under the impression that I ovulated Thursday night into Friday morning. The reasoning behind this was the pinching/pain that felt like ovulation pain. I decided to try them out anyway. I got a negative and realized how simple they are to use and interpret. I recommend them to everyone since they are MUCH cheaper than the ones at the store. We did some BD'ing Friday night anyway...mostly for fun. It was quite interesting because at the rental house, the Little Guy's bedroom is right off the living room and he won't sleep with his door shut and you never know when he's going to pop his head out because he has to go to the bathroom or he can't sleep or "what was that noise?" etc. It was getting late and we were getting tired but we were messing with each other. It's kind of like sneaking around touching each other when your parents aren't looking. So we were very sneaky and went into the bathroom to get done what needed to get done. Even though I thought I ovulated Thursday into Friday, my temp didn't rise. I expected it to do so Saturday morning. That's the way my body works. My temp jumps up the morning after it should. It didn't rise. Now, I don't know if it didn't rise because I didn't take my temp at the right time...I'm not great at waking up on the weekend and temping and this time I think I took it earlier than usual because I woke up really early and was afraid I wasn't going to go back to sleep. Whew! I tested again and got another negative, however, it looked like it was almost positive. I planned on testing later but forgot to take the strips with me to my SIL's, and we were there until 10:00pm so that was a bust. I tested when we got home but the second line barely showed up. I figured I missed it or my pee wasn't concentrated enough because I had used the bathroom about an hour beforehand. Not sure.

My temp rose way up Sunday morning and has been high since. Good old FF says I ovulated Saturday (CD13, which is normal for me)...that would be perfect since we BD'd Friday night. One very good sign that I'm missing however is EWCM. I have had NONE, ZERO, ZILCH. Only a few creamy days. DRATS! So I guess we will see what happens now. I'm officially in the 2ww! WOW! I haven't been here (knowingly) for quite a while. Ahhh...the 2ww, how I have missed you. You have eluded me for a while but I have found you and now we will have a brief encounter and when you leave I hope there is a BFP in your wake.

I had a terrible episode Saturday at my SIL's house. She has 3 kids (2 boys aged 8 and 6 and a little girl just over 2). They tried for #3 for a year before they got their BFP. I so wished that we would have been pg at the same time or at least back to back. But that didn't happen. Anyway, we were all out in the backyard and the boys were riding 4-wheelers and swinging on the tree swing and the SIL and I were taking pictures (because we are scrappers after all) and everything was fine...until...the Little Guy was playing with my niece. He was chasing her and she was laughing and he was talking so sweetly to her that I was overcome with sadness. BJ rode by and asked me what was wrong and I could barely speak. I said "it kills me that I can't make him a big brother. he'd be so good at it. it sucks". BJ told me not to cry (not to be mean but to try and ease my guilt) and agreed that it does suck. He rode away and my SIL came over and asked me what was wrong because my eyes were red and she just knew something happened. I could barely get the words out again and she gave me a big hug and I almost really lost it at that point. I told her that it doesn't usually hurt this bad but just seeing the 2 of them together hit me hard. I hate IF. I hate what it takes away from those that suffer from it and those that are oblivious to it. The Little Guy knows we want a baby but has no idea how they are made (IVF or naturally) so he doesn't have a clue as to what we have been through. And he really doesn't know what he's missing by not having a little sibling. I'm hoping to give him one before he is 10 but it's not looking good at this point. Only time will tell.

I really need to be better at posting every day or at least every other day. I'm such a blabber mouth and I have so much to say that I end up writing novels. We finally have the laptop working at home so maybe I will be able to post in the evenings and on the weekends so I don't bore everyone to tears with these long posts. Plus, I wanted to post about the new house but now that I've made this so long it will have to wait until next time...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I just checked on my OPK strips...yes they shipped...but from Washington. They won't be here before I need them. Darn IT and darn ME for waiting so long to order them. Oh well.

BJ called me at work yesterday and out of the blue as we are talking he exclaims, "I want". Well, of course I giggled like a school girl and we proceeded to play the game of how would we do it at my work (and where) if we could. It was cute and funny and really gets the mind wandering. And it's nice to know that after almost 4 years of having sex with me he still wants to. :-) Of course it didn't happen at my work but we managed to squeeze in some time for it after Hell's Kitchen and at the very beginning of Shaq Vs. This is one of BJ's new favorite shows so we had to be fast. Ahhh the romance.

BJ has been having back pain on and off for over a year now. He has been to the doctor twice for it and has had an x-ray and nothing was found. The doctor asked him to get blood work done TWICE. He didn't. His shoulder has been hurting him for about 2 weeks now. He decided to finally go to the doctor because it was interfering with his work out. The doctor asked him if he was really going to get the blood work done this time. He promised he would. We got the results back yesterday. His cholesterol is a little high at 130 and he has Lyme Disease. Great. I don't know a lot about LD except that it messes with your joints and can cause some neurological issues. I feel badly for BJ because he's only 36 (will be 37 in a couple of weeks) and now he has to live with this for the rest of his life. He already has aches and pains and now he might even have more painful episodes. He has a friend that has it and they spoke yesterday. Of course nothing the friend said was positive. I know there are many worse things to have than LD, but right now I want to feel bad for my husband. It will never go away. He will be on Doxicyclene for 2 weeks. The drug he couldn't tolerate back in November when we first went to the RE and we both had to take it. I hope he does better this time. And here is the selfish me wondering how the drug and the disease will affect his swimmers. I need to look into it. If anyone knows if it will cause a problem I'd love for some insight on this.

I went by the new house yesterday after work and they were finishing up pouring and leveling the concrete walls of the basement. WOW! I forgot to bring my USB for my camera so I can't post any pictures yet. Shucks. I will have to remember that for tomorrow. I plan on going by again today because they are supposed to have the whole basement poured. Exciting stuff, I tell ya.

We were laying in bed watching Friends last night (one of my all time faves) and it was the episode where Phoebe finds out that she's pg with her brother's baby(ies). When she came out of the bathroom and announced it, I got goosebumps. I do every time. I told BJ and he said, "yeah, because it should have been you." And then he proceeded to ask me when I thought I might ovulate. I told him it would probably be this weekend. Hopefully I didn't jinx any babymaking fun by telling him the truth. Maybe I should have said Monday or Tuesday of next week...Nah. I'm sure it will be fine. Yeah, right. Now it's in his head that we have to do it this weekend. But the good thing is that we did it last night so I'm hoping he'll be good and ready for some on Friday or Saturday. Fingers crossed!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

My Countdown

I was just about brought to tears this morning on my way to work. I ride a bus a fairly long distance and listen to the radio and look out the window in the mornings. Today, just as I was glancing down at traffic, a car went by that had a beautiful baby boy in the back seat. The car seat was turned around so I got a full shot of this precious bundle. He couldn't have been older than 3 months. There was a woman sitting next to him playing with him...she would put her hand out and he would hold onto her finger. There was a woman passenger in the front seat and a man driver so I don't know who the baby actually belonged to, but he was wide eyed and alert and small and cuddly and I wished I was his mother.

Just seeing that cute little baby in his sleeper made me so sad. I should be about 8 weeks pregnant right now (10 if you count from my LMP) and instead I'm sitting here with my IVF math running through my head. If you were reading back then, you will remember I had:

5 follicles
4 eggs
3 mature
2 fertilized
(1 baby)

Well, that should have left me with 1 baby. It's the perfect countdown. On the day of transfer all of that came crashing down when I heard that 1 of my eggs fertilized let in 2 sperm. At the time I put all of those thoughts out of my head because I couldn't think negatively or else it would never work. I had to stay positive and put that abnormal egg out of my head. It keeps coming back. I know it sounds dumb, but it's what my mind came up with to figure this out and find a "sign" and a "formula" and all that good stuff that I cling to relentlessly. So now my countdown looks like this:

5 follicles
4 eggs
3 mature
2 fertilized (normally)
1 fertilized (abnormally)
0 babies.

The end. It played out so perfectly on paper. Why did 1 have to fertilized abnormally and mess the WHOLE thing up? I know, I know...I'm being irrational. I can't help it. Everything was going along fine until that 1 bad egg spoiled the bunch.

But I guess I'm a fighter or a dreamer or a delusional broad because it's not really the End for me. Not yet. My opk strips shipped today and I hope to have them by Thursday or Friday as THAT is when I NEED them. I'm such a procrastinator that I will probably not get them until next week and have to save them for next cycle. See? I'm also a realist as I am planning for next cycle. Or does that make me a pessimist? Either way, I'm obviously not full of Hope anymore. But yet I keep going.

In non-TTC news....the builder is digging our basement and putting the forms in today to start pouring all the concrete! I'm going to swing by there this evening before heading home to get some pictures and check on their status. We are really making progress now!