Thursday, November 12, 2009

All Over the Place

I really feel as though I need to wear one of those drama masks with the sad face on one half and the smile on the other half. This infertility thing is a real bitch. It just never goes away. It weaves itself into every aspect of my life nearly every day. I try not to let it affect me but some days it's just too overwhelming.

I was off yesterday and BJ took off so we could hang out together. We went to the new house so I could see our kitchen cabinets in person. They took my breath away. So much better than the pictures he showed me. Although it did reiterate to me how short I am and that I will definitely need a step ladder if I want to reach anything higher than the second shelf. We got a call from the contractor stating that we are scheduled to move in a week earlier than originally planned. How awesome is that?! We will now have 2 weeks to get settled and decorated before Christmas. It made my day. That is the happy side of my face.

The sad side of my face comes from the realization that I should be going in to get my 20 week u/s from my IVF. BJ and I would have probably gone in yesterday since I was already off and we knew he was taking off work. We should have been going out to buy a few pink or blue (or both) items of baby clothes after the appointment. It amazes me how much time has gone by since that BFN result. I should be feeling kicking inside. I should be wearing maternity pants and shirts.

Instead, I'm sitting here as happy and as sad as I can be. I don't know what it feels like to miscarry so I would never compare my situation to anyone that has been through that. However, I feel like I lost 2 babies. I had 2 perfect embryos and then I didn't. They were alive when they were transferred and then they weren't. I had life in me and then I didn't. And no one can tell me why. I can't believe it's been 20 weeks (only 18 since transfer, but the docs always add the other 2 from the beginning of the cycle). I can't believe it didn't work. I can't believe that I may never have that chance again.

I saw a very tiny bit of spotting Tuesday. I haven't seen any since. My temp dropped this morning to 98.1 which is still above my cover line, but much lower than the 98.5's and 98.6's I have been getting. I'm going to jinx myself, but I haven't gotten THE headache yet. I know the period is coming so I just wish it would hurry up and get here and stop messing with me. Today is supposed to be CD1 but I guess I'm going to have a longer cycle this month. Lovely.

I do want to reiterate how excited I am to be able to move in less than a was great news to get and we are really very happy about it. Especially since a mouse came running out of the laundry room this morning into the bathroom and had BJ running all over the place trying to get it. I had already left before this fun escapade began. He told me that he was not going to leave the house until the mouse was "taken care of". Ick....December 11 can't get here soon enough.


Jem said...

I know what you mean about not being able to explain why two perfect embryos didn't make it. As much as REs and all the load of medical professionals think they know, they still can't explain why implantation doesn't happen. They can't help us with that all-important step.

Anonymous said...

IF is a bitch, you've got that right. Maybe you'll have your house and BFP all at one. Fingers crossed!!!!

Anonymous said...

So excited you get to move in early!

I'm sorry for the sadness you're feeling, wondering what should have been. I hope you get a new house and a BFP to go with it!

C said...

Wonderful news about the house! I'm thrilled to hear that you have an earlier moving in date. YAY!

Big hugs for the difficulty of IF, the loss of your embryos, and all of the feelings associated. It's sooooo hard to lose them. We work so hard to get those embryos, put our bodies through so much, and then all of the sudden it's over. IF is so unfair and painful.


Kelly said...

First, on the "smiley" side, great news about your house. That's so exciting!!!

And on the "frowny" side. I get it. Believe me. I'm playing the "I should be now" game in my head now, although I'm trying desperately not to. My EDD from my first loss is 11/25. I'm dreading that day like I dread a trip to the dentist.

A said...

That is great about your house! I hereby request pictures of the cabinets :)

I am so sorry that you're mourning your loss especially this weekend as it would have been a big u/s. I pray that you'll find some peace amidst the heartache (hug)