Wednesday, October 7, 2015

An Important Moment

Just before Baby Girl was 3 months old we had a “moment” together.  I will never forget the feelings that washed over me at that time.  I’ve experienced many moments since then but as this was the first, I want to share it with all of you.

Baby Girl was snug in her swaddle and sleeping in the bassinet next to our bed.  She had been asleep for well over an hour.  BJ and I had just settled ourselves in bed.  She started grunting and making cute little baby noises.  I could hear her lifting her legs and then lowering them.  She would fuss a little and then stop.  I was afraid to raise up to see if she was actually awake because I didn’t want her to see me peering at her.  I was tired and ready for bed.  BJ and I were whispering to each other:

Him – do you think she’s awake?

Me – I don’t know, she’s not really crying so it’s hard to tell.

Him – do you think she’s hungry?   (that was his answer for EVERYTHING because of my low supply issues).

Me – No, she ate really well at bedtime.  If she’s awake maybe she’ll settle herself and drift back to sleep.

At that point she started fussing more and then she broke out into a real cry.  I am not (nor was I ever) a person that can let a baby cry so I got up in the dark and scooped her up out of her bassinet.  As soon as I held her close to me she stopped crying and fell right to sleep.  BJ said the magical words that washed over me like a giant emotional tidal wave…”she just wanted her mommy.”

It hit me and I think I actually stopped breathing for a few seconds.  I am a mommy and not just any mommy, HER mommy.  I cried as I held my sleeping baby, listening to her rhythmical breaths.  I became more than just a caretaker of an infant.  More than just a milk machine and diaper changer.  I was made aware of the fact that I actually comforted my child and made her feel safe enough to just fall asleep in my arms.  It was pure magic.  I was transformed into a Mommy that night.

Up until that point there were what felt like 100 other instances that I was floundering around trying to figure out how to comfort her and to ease the crying and the fussiness.  There were plenty of other nights before this (and after this) when I held her but she kept crying and the only thing to ease her tears was for her to be nursed back to sleep.  But this night was different.  This night she just wanted to be close to her mommy…and I was right there because I am her mommy.