Monday, August 29, 2011

Thank You!

I don’t have much time so I’m going to make this quick. I just want to thank each and every one of you for your comforting comments and your (((hugs))). You all get it and that in itself means the world to me. And an extra Thank You to my buddy, Mo, who gave me a personal shout out the other day and sent even more love my way. You rock, lady!

I can’t say that I’m better, but I guess for right now I’m dealing with it better. It’s been an emotional week around here (my head) to say the least. I was dealing with my own personal crap and then an earthquake struck, a hurricane came through and someone at the office tried to burn the place down by burning up a tortilla in the office toaster oven. Earth, wind and fire....I can’t make this stuff up, people.

Again, thank you so very much. I am always amazed at the support and understanding that I receive from all of you. Although, I don’t know have never failed me or judged me in any way, shape or form. I can always count on you for an understanding ear and for that I am truly grateful.

I’m going to be better about posting as I do have several things I want to get in to with you and of course I need to continue on with my family saga. We are leaving for Myrtle Beach on Wednesday and I can’t wait. I need to get out of here in the worst way. I’m getting my hair cut and my toes done tomorrow in preparation and then packing and getting everything ready so we can head out Wednesday afternoon.

Hugs and love to you all and I’ll talk at’cha later! My grandmother used to say that, “talk at’cha later”...gotta love it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It's Been a Long Time

Sorry for my absence. I have about 6 posts running around in my head but I just don’t have the desire to type them all out. I don’t have the desire for much lately. I’ve been reading blogs sporadically and commenting even less. I’m a sucky support system lately. I apologize for that.

I think the realization of what my situation is has finally started to hit home. For a while I was hopeful that I could find a way to come up with the money for donor eggs. That was definitely a fruitless endeavor. I don’t have a money tree and I’m not going to put my current family in dire straits by taking out a loan on my 401k that would result in a $550 a month payment. We don’t have enough equity in our house for a loan or a refinance option. I don’t have $30,000 worth of stuff to sell on eBay. I’m out of ideas. I’m out of hope.

I have some really great things to write about, like my nephew came and spent a few days with us and it was pure bliss...exhausting, but wonderful. I’ll write about the visit another time. It would also make more sense to all of you if I explained his situation so that is a post for another day.

Right now, I’m about to start my period and I’m really pissed and angry and bitter about it. I should be scheduled for my 20 week scan this week. Instead, I’m starting another cycle. This will be the case until I hit menopause. I will just keep having periods until the rest of my body decides to catch up with my ovaries and stops working altogether. I really fucking hate this.

There have been a couple of BFP’s in blogs that I read. I’m happy for these women as they have struggled for years to get this far. I’m also hoping that their betas continue to rise as they should. While I’m happy for them, I’m sad for me. I know most of you can understand that, at least I hope you can. I felt their happiness once before, albeit for a short time, but I had it...and then I didn’t. I miss that happiness. I miss that hope. I hope that they continue to progress and in 8.5 months hold their baby(ies) in their arms. I just want it to be me. Oh, and another blogger just posted her adoption story and it brought me to tears. I know how much she struggled and suffered to bring that beautiful baby boy home and I couldn’t be happier for her. Again, I just wish I could feel that much happiness.

I wanted to make a round of phone calls this week and let everyone know that we were team pink or team blue. However, these cramps and this spotting have reminded me once again, that those types of phone calls will never be made from my phone.

I’ve been feeling very down lately and I didn’t want to come here and be negative which is why I’ve stayed away for so long. Sometimes I just need to release all the negative emotions and this is pretty much the only place I have to do that. Although, I’m finding it difficult to put anything coherent together and to convey my feelings properly without sounding like a mental case.

I can’t believe that I really won’t ever be pregnant...that I won’t ever have a child and that I won’t ever be a mother. I know I have the Little Guy, but he already has his mother so I just get to step in every once in a while and “play” mommy. It sucks. And it sucked sending my nephew back to my sister. I just want a child that I love as my own to call me mom. I’m always left empty handed and it just doesn’t feel right. I have so much love to give and so many maternal feelings that I never really thought I wouldn’t be a mom. I guess God just had other plans for me. He obviously wants me to be happy with the smidgeon of parenting that I get to do while the “real” moms get all the devotion and love. Whatever. It’s no use crying about it, right? Crying never changed anything anyway.

It is what it is and I guess it’s finally sinking in. I’m not going to be a mom...ever. There it is, the final statement. Maybe this is rock bottom? I hope so because I don’t know how I could feel any worse. I’m hoping that I can find a way to rebuild and refocus my life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore but right now I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there, but it’s still too far away for me to see it.

I apologize for the dark and dreary post but I have to let some of this out before I explode. I promise to be a better reader and commenter as you all have shown me nothing but understanding and support and you deserve the same in return.

Monday, August 1, 2011


I think I’ve mentioned that BJ and I like to watch house hunters on HGTV. We started watching the show about the time we were thinking of selling our old house. We watched to get ideas about staging, to gawk at mansions and to get ideas of things we’d like in our next house.

The shows are based on young couples buying their first place or young families looking for more room. There are shows about families with older children and retired people as well. All too often it’s geared toward newlyweds that end up pregnant at the end of the show because they wanted to get started on their family building right away. Lucky them. There have been many times when I have talked to the TV and said things like “it might not be that easy!” and “not everyone gets knocked up just because they want to!” And then the woman ends up pregnant at the end anyway, despite my discord.

BJ and I were watching a show last week and the written description said that it was a young couple moving on from painful memories. I couldn’t wait for it to come on because I love a good story. Well, wouldn’t you know it was about IF! The young couple got married and wanted a baby right away. They had problems...they suffered from infertility. They saved up money to travel to the Czech Republic for an IVF since it was so expensive here in the states. Unfortunately, it did not work. They were devastated. With each interview I was so impressed with how they tried to convey their disappointment, their sadness, their overall emotional turmoil. At one point, I looked at BJ and said, “She’s been crying...look at her eyes.”

They had a small budget because on the off chance that they could afford more treatments they didn’t want to be cash strapped. They said they needed to move out of their house and start fresh and put the pain and suffering behind them and try to focus on the future. BJ tapped my leg and said to the TV, “my baby knows how that feels.” For all they knew they were done trying to have a child. The disappointment was so intense that they just wanted to run from any memory of it.

They chose a house and as usual the show comes back and films more footage to wrap the story up. The crew came back 4 months later. The woman said, “we’ve been in the house 3 months now...” and I caught a glimpse of her stomach. I asked BJ if she was pregnant. He said she wasn’t sure, it was hard to tell. The couple kept talking and made no mention of a baby and I thought for sure she was just a little pudgy. The very next scene showed them sitting on the floor looking at paint chips and discussing which color would be good for a nursery. The camera cut to the woman and she stated that they went on a trip to Italy and decided to give IVF in the Czech Republic one more go ‘round. It worked. They are now having a baby. BJ said, “I knew it...”

As pissed as I was that they ended up pregnant, I was genuinely happy for them. They seemed like such nice people and they had obviously struggled to get there. As many episodes as I’ve seen (and it’s been A LOT) they have never dealt with IF. This couple talked about the emotional turmoil of IF and of their failed IVF. They had so much invested and then to come home empty handed was devastating for them. I was glad to have their story out there and I told BJ how brave I thought they were for coming forward on TV like that.

I just wish that we all could get a happy ending like they did. All too often many of us are just left with empty arms and diminished bank accounts. And don’t think I didn’t Google the hell out of IVF in the Czech Republic. And yes, it’s very cheap compared to here and there are companies that assist couples with all aspects of their travel from airport transportation to rides to and from the clinic to sight-seeing tours. It’s amazing. All in all I think the show did a good job with this couple. I’m sorry they struggled but I am happy that they received their miracle.