Friday, October 30, 2009

Spreading the Love

I have been granted another award! Thank you so much to Wait, what? for nominating me. I love her blog because she can make me smile and make me think. She is optimistic but also realistic...and did I mention she makes me smile?

The rules for this award are simple. I LOVE YOU equals 8 letters which gives you 8 rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love.

5-Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.

6-You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.

7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.

8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here are the blogs that I would like to share the love with:

Conceive This! - Hilarious

Peanut Noodle - Soothing- like coming home and putting your soft, comfy robe on

Gracie in Brooklyn - Heart-wrenching - at least right now...poor thing.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Doctor Appointment Updates

I was so impressed Tuesday at my thyroid doc's office...I got there 10 minutes early and was taken back after only sitting there 20 minutes. Then I sat in the back room waiting for another 20 minutes...this must be a record. In walks my doctor.....ABOUT 6 MONTHS PREGNANT! What are the chances? So I say to her, "oh! look at you!" and she's a little evasive and replies, "yes, a little bit of a change." Whatever. She must have just gotten pregnant right around the last time I saw her. Just my luck. Anyway, she asked me to get more blood work and told me she would call me after she got the results. She thinks she may need to increase my meds a little. All in all it was quick and painless...aside from having to concentrate on her face as she was talking instead of drooling over her big belly.

My OB/GYN appointment went well also. I was lucky enough not to have to face any (obvious) fertiles while there. He is a very nice man and very attentive. I hadn't gotten my records beforehand but he suggested just dropping them off when I get them. Wouldn't you know they came about an hour after I got to work yesterday? Hmph. We went over my history. He asked a lot of questions. He played out several scenarios that he would normally use on someone that was just beginning this journey. Those didn't apply to me. I've already been through just about everything as far as he could tell. He sees no evidence that I have bad eggs. His belief is that I suffer from decreased ovarian reserve (DOR). He doesn't think increasing stims or decreasing stims would have any effect on the number of follicles/eggs produced. He actually said that the number of mature eggs that came from my IVF is consistent with the number of follicles I had...percentage-wise. That made me feel a little better. He is against doing a uterine biopsy as he says it's pretty painful and not that informative. He doesn't think I need a Lap procedure because he said that I don't really "present" like I have endo and since I've had so many sonos over the last year he sees no need to search for polyps. Unfortunately, he thinks my best course of action is IVF. I knew this, but was hoping for something know, something I can actually do and afford.

He said that if it were him doing it (he can't as this hospital does not have the capabilities...he can't even give u/s yet as his equipment is on order) he would not have put me on BCP for my 2nd attempt at IVF #1. He thinks that no matter the amount of stims, I would only produce 3-5 good follicles. He said that 10 days may have still been too long. He would recommend a minimum stimulation IVF. Meaning no BCP, clomid, FSH, and an antagonist. He said that BCP do not diminish cysts, they only stop new ones from forming. He would rather aspirate a troublesome cyst rather than keep suppressing me as was done by the clinic. He is most interested in my FSH levels. I was certain that they were checked on CD3 every time but that was not the case after looking over my records. It seems they only checked it once and it was borderline high...just under 10. He said that is what makes the difference in the number of follicles produced.

He made sure to let me know that he, in no way, was saying that big clinics are just trying to get their numbers up but that sometimes the focus is lost due to "mass treatment of patients". Makes sense to me. He has a friend and (in his words) mentor that has a clinic in Northern VA that he could call and see how much it would cost for a fresh cycle. He called him while I was sitting right there. I was impressed with that. The cost would be about $5,500. Still out of reach, but much more doable than the $7,900 from my clinic (with my discount). There are ways I can come up with that kind of money. It will just take a little time. And this is presuming that we are not broke after we move into our new house. :-) He also said that he didn't know if any follow up visits with him would be covered by my insurance (the first consult definitely is) but when I drop my records off for him to review, we could talk informally. I thought that was very kind of him. He also said that he has quite a few friends that still work at Johns Hopkins (where he's from and where he was certified) that he could call for me if I wanted him to. Again, I like the way this guy thinks.

I'm not sure if I want to make an appointment to take my records or just send them to him and maybe do a phone consult. I will have to figure that out.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words about our new house. I wish I could have you all over once it's ready and we could sit around the fire and chat it up all night. That would be fun. We are going to a home show Saturday and I'm very excited about that. I've never been to one because I've never really had a reason. I've seen the commercials and the flyers and always wished I could go and look I get to. Wouldn't it be nice if in 2 weeks I could say the same thing about Motherhood Maternity?

I didn't have a temp spike this morning like I should have. However, that is not abnormal for get my spike the next day, but I was hoping for it just to confirm that we timed everything correctly. I'm very confident but there is always the part of me that wonders about what my body is actually doing in there.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

O What a Day!

I'm ovulating!! And the best part is...we actually had SEX last know, right on time, to try and make a baby! Can you believe that? We had decided to wait to do anything after AF was here to make sure that we timed it right and that even though there might be pressure, it would be almost impossible to NOT be productive, if you know what I mean. And it worked! I tested with an opk yesterday morning and it looked as though I was right on the verge of being positive but not quite. So I tested after I got home yesterday and I still wasn't convinced that it was positive so I asked BJ to take a look at it. He said the 2nd line looked darker so I was on board. I've been feeling slight ovulation pinches on my right side since this morning. It's not as painful as usual and no where near as painful as when I O from my left side. I was getting worried that maybe we read the test wrong so I just tested again and the 2nd line was barely there so I know I captured my surge yesterday! Yee haw! This is the closest we have been to actually "trying" since our IVF so of course I'm WAY too excited about it. But I'm going to go with it for now...want to come along for the Great 2ww Ride?

I'm going to post more about my 2 doctor appointments (thyroid and OB/GYN) in my next post. I'm pretty busy at work catching up from being out yesterday afternoon and then this morning. See you later, gators!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

House Pictures

These pictures were taken over the 4 days it took them to frame our house. Yes, that's right...only 4 days. Amazing. It was so exciting to drive there after work every day and see the changes that took place over the previous 24 hours.

This is the view from the front door. The first room on the left is the office/study. It will be closed in and have glass french doors. It was supposed to be all open and used as a formal living room but we need a place for our computer desk and so we changed things around a little. the next room on the left is the dining room. I have never had a formal dining room so this is very exciting for me. The next room on the left is the kitchen. The right side of this hallway consists of a powder room, the entrance to the garage, the staircases up and down and the family room is around the corner to the right. Straight ahead is the kitchen eating area. We are planning on getting a really unique table for this space since it's not that big and we need to be able to open the back door that leads out to the deck. I will post pictures of the table once we actually get it. We love it because it's pretty and because we have never seen a table like it anywhere. We checked online and it's definitely out there, but I think because it's so different not a lot of people have one like it.

Here is the view from the front door with the drywall up. Quite a difference. And now it looks like a HOUSE!

Here's my formal dining room. And I can't wait to tackle putting up a nice window treatment. There will be a chair rail around the room. The bottom will be painted white/off white and I'm going to do the top in a deep "roasted pepper" red. I love the way that looks. I'm not normally a formal/fancy kind of gal, but this is going to be the first time I've been able to really decorate a house so I want to make it look really nice.

Here is my kitchen. See that pantry? Never had one of those, either. Can't wait to be able to buy a month's worth of green beans to just HAVE them on the shelf!

And how exciting is our bathroom? This bathroom is about 3 times the size of my previous bathroom. Never had a master bath. And not only do we have double sinks, but we each have our own vanity. So that means we don't have to bicker about the toothpaste in the sink or the spittle on the faucet! And I love the windows by the tub. You can't see them both but they meet in the corner and create a very nice view of the backyard and the trees.

Since it's getting darker earlier and it was cloudy yesterday, this is hard to see, but we have SIDING! It looked much better in person but my flash is too small to really light up the side of the house. It's raining today so there won't be any outside work done. I'm leaving early to go to my thyroid appointment and will swing by in the hopes that they might have gotten more accomplished but mainly to get a picture of the siding in the day light.

Monday, October 26, 2009

CD10 - Steady and Slow

Today's title refers to my ovulation cycle and our new house. This time last month, I was ovulating...not so much this time around. In fact, I have taken 4 opk's and they have all been negative. So negative in fact, that a 2nd line is nowhere to be seen. I'm hoping that is because ovulation is still a few days away and not that I have crappy opk's under my bathroom sink, in my book bag and in my purse...I think those are the only places I have stored them. :-) We are trying to time our baby makin' encounters better but the way my cycles have been the past few months has made it tough to do so. I am at the point where I am going to test twice a day because I have noticed that if I am negative in the morning, I could be positive that evening and we don't want to miss anything. My temps are running about what they should. Maybe a tenth of a degree or so higher than normal, but they are not all over the place like last month. At least not yet.

We went by our house yesterday and the workers were there hanging drywall! Yay! Things looked so different with the walls closed in. And the walls where there was no drywall we could see the insulation. The Little Guy was bummed because he couldn't "run through the walls" anymore. He hadn't been there since the electric got put in and now he not only had wires and cables running everywhere but insulation and drywall. BJ talked to the project manager today and pleaded (in a non pain in the ass way) to see if there was any way to get us in the house a week earlier. He said he'd do his best. That's all we can ask, right? The siding guys are there today and should be able to get a good chunk of that done before the rain comes tomorrow. I will go by there after work to check things out. And that reminds me...I need to post some more pictures.

I talked with my clinic last week to make sure they got my request for my medical records. They did, thankfully. I was told that the company that comes in to make copies (WHAT? There isn't someone in your office that can make copies??) will be in today. My request for my records to be delivered to me by tomorrow via e-mail has been noted. That's about all I can do. Keep your fingers crossed that I get them. I actually started a notebook with a quick, non-technical run down of what I have done over the passed 8 or so years. I don't have any bloodwork results or anything like that, but I can at least tell him a quick story. I can't even tell you how many different emotions I'm having over this appointment. I'm excited, but of course I don't want to get too excited because we can't afford any "real" treatments. However, just the thought of talking to someone new about our situation has me all giddy. I never had a real sit down of the getting-to-know-you type with Dr. M so I'm really ready for this. However, I have a feeling when I go in there, I'll probably be stammering around trying to remember my own name. BJ is actually interested in this appointment, too. Of course not enough to come, but he has asked me about it a few times and that's saying something. I have a feeling he will actually listen with both ears when I give him the run down of what the doc and I talked about.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Infertile's Bag of Tricks

In case you don't remember, I ride a bus to work. I drive to a lot, get on a bus and sit there for about an hour and 30 minutes. You might wonder how I spend this time. I listen to the radio with my headphones most mornings. If I have a book to read, I'll do that as well. I also have a Nintendo DS that BJ bought me last Christmas to play. I also need to carry my bottle of water and my lunch and my purse. You might be wondering where I put all of this stuff. Wonder no more....I carry a back pack. As I realized today, this back pack is my catch-all for anything and everything going on with me at any given time.

If you were to look through my bag you would see all of the above items and not be taken aback by any of them. I also noticed that I have a Pottery Barn catalog in my bag. I've never shopped there before and it came to the rental after I changed our address online. I love this little book and wish I could afford to furnish my whole house with these items. I have my Weight Watchers handbook in my bag. A must for anyone half assing being on a diet. There are some misc. items in there like a book light, some recipes I printed, some bills that need know, regular stuff. Then comes the front pouch. I opened it last night and had to laugh at what I found.

* a few opk's - for times like today when I'm going to start testing to see when my fertile window is.
* a few tampons - for times when I know AF is coming and I don't want to be taken by surprise and I certainly don't want them in my purse for easy viewing by me or anyone else.
* a few doses of Endometrin along with a couple of applicators.

Is that NOT the picture perfect infertile's bag? The only thing I'm missing is a HPT. I can just imagine if someone were digging through there and stumbled upon that stuff. First the look of confusion about the Endometrin and the applicators. Is this some sort of new tampon? What kind of pills are these? Not tampons silly...those are for sticking up my lady bits and dispensing those pills you are holding. Can you imagine that? I can and I hope it never happens.

I had some slight O-like pains in my left ovary yesterday evening/night. My temp was 98.0 this morning. I'm only on CD7 so I'm sure it's not ovulation, but I'm a little worried. I am starting to test today (as soon as I'm done with this post) and hopefully will get a positive in 3 or 4 days. I'm starting this early because last cycle I O'd very early and missed it so I'm trying to get a head start. My guess is that I have cyst there again. Lovely. BJ said that the new doctor will most likely want to take a look around up there and I said "good...I miss seeing what's going on up there." He said "what? you miss them being up there!" Ha ha! I had to correct him while laughing hysterically. He said he'll be glad if I get pg so that men will stop peering at me all the time. He's so funny.

One more thing....BJ and I decided that we are going to at least put up our table top Christmas tree at the rental because I CAN'T be without my twinkle (thanks NoodleGirl!). And we will make sure that all the Christmas stuff is put in the dining room at the new house on moving day. You may wonder why in the dining room....that is where the tree will be this year since we don't have a table for that room yet and it will be completely empty of anything else, so putting up the tree and some lights in the window will be easy with no other boxes in there.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Hubby

I want to take this time to recognize the man I am married to. I have a couple of stories to share with you to let you see why I love him so much. I'm not going to tell all the details of our beginnings until another day, but I do want to pass along these few stories.

BJ is one of those rough and tumble guys. He has the best blue eyes and eyelashes I've ever seen. He's big...6'1", 200lbs. He has such broad shoulders and carries himself in a way that when he walks into a room (bar, restaurant, store) people take notice of him. Sometimes I think they are scared of him. :-) He has a haircut like a Marine and tattoos on both arms and one on his leg so I think people are intimidated by him. He makes me feel so safe when I am with him and when he grabs me with one arm and squeezes, I feel like I've got bullet proof armor on. Given that description of him, it might be hard to really see what a kind and thoughtful guy he really is. Especially if you ride in a vehicle with him as he can turn into quite a brute on the road. :-)

We had steaks for dinner Wednesday night...NY Strip, his favorite. The Little Guy was with us and so he bought a 4-pack of semi-small steaks. Once they were done, he brought them in and as he was looking at them each on the plate, he said "this looks like a really good one, here." He gave me the best looking steak. Now it might not seem like much to some of you, but to me, that is a real statement. My ex would not have done that. First of all, I would have been the one cooking them and he would just assume I would give him the better steak.

We use a certain kind of toilet paper at home. Once I found this type, I won't bring anything else into the house. There is another company that makes a similar kind but it's just not the same. I had to buy that other kind the last time we needed TP because it was all they had and we were out (because I'm a major procrastinator). We are using separate bathrooms in the rental because it's just easier for me and all my "girl" stuff to be away from the boys and all their stuff. Plus, I get too irked at toothpaste in the sink and spittle on the faucet...I like things neat and clean and it causes less friction if I don't see it every morning. Anyway...the other night I needed to refill my TP holder upstairs and he went into the closet and said, "here you go. I saved you the last roll of the good stuff." How damn sweet is that? Most people would say "it's just TP, get over it". Not my man...he knows how important my aloe vera TP is to my lady bits. :-).

When we first started dating, I would drive my car and pick him up. I drove everywhere in my previous relationship so it was no big deal to me. Plus, if we went out he'd most likely drink and I was (and still am) the DD so it worked well. I needed gas in my car one time and I pulled up to the pump and started digging for my debit card. Before I could pull it out of my purse he got out and walked around to the pump. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was going to pump my gas. I was floored. At first I didn't know whether to go all feminist on him and insist that I do it myself or just let him try to impress me. I decided on the latter. As it turns out, he was not just trying to impress me...he really feels that the man should pump the gas, even if the woman is driving. WOW! He was shocked and appalled (to say the least) that my ex never did that. If I was driving, I had to pump.

The first time he helped me carry the groceries in is another time I was surprised and not sure how to act. It's hard for me to ask anyone for help, even in those kinds of situations. I'm pretty independent and I'm used to doing things on my own. Even after a year of living together I was still trying to get used to him doing things for me. I don't take it for granted, either. Every time he does something that I believe is one of those things that someone chooses to do to help the other person in their everyday life, I thank him for it. And I let him know how nice he is to me and how much I appreciate him.

I'm telling you all of this today because today marks 4 years since we were sitting in our little hang-out talking and decided that we wanted to try dating each other. I brought it up because I couldn't stand it anymore...I knew there was something going on between us and even though I was still emotionally raw from my failed marriage, I knew that this guy was for me.

Spinning Head

There is so much going on at times in my life that it seems some sort of sh!t hits the fan every day. Here's a quick rundown of the happenings in my life over the last week or so...non-TTC related:

1 - the Little Guy's mother fell off a horse Tuesday night. He came to stay with us while she went to the ER. No problem...other than he was still with her and it was 9:00pm which is his bed time. He finally got to our house at 9:50 and then didn't end up in bed until about 10:20. He has to get up at 6:00 and he's only 8 with a heart condition that makes him need more sleep. Also found out that they didn't do all his homework because they were rushing to get to the farm. Also found out that she packed him a lunch of turkey bacon and cheese-its. WTH kind of lunch is that for an 8 year old? There's a myriad of "what was she thinking" episodes that we go through every once in a while with her. She's a good mother and loves her son, but I could fill a blog with the stories I have just about her. She is ok from the horse fall, thank goodness.

2 - we ran into our new neighbors at the new house last weekend. Pleasant people. The wife talks a lot and I can tell there is some busy bodied-ness going on there. All in all, I hope they are good neighbors. The husband is a cop and wanted to exchange cell numbers with BJ. BJ is now getting text messages from him...."they poured our basement walls". And this morning...."they put insulation in your house yesterday, I saw it from the outside". Hmmmm....have we created a monster? I am a social person - outside of my home. I've never been close with any neighbors...this situation scares me. I like to wave at neighbors and talk about the weather we are having. I don't particularly like the idea of them in my house (albeit it IS still under construction) when I'm not there. I'm sure I'm over reacting but I'm worried that the can of proverbial worms has been opened. The good thing is that I find them very nice and friendly. I will hang on to that right now.

3 - My sister had her appointment with her neurosurgeon. He was an ass. He basically dismissed all of her pain and complaints. For any new readers, this is why my sister had to see a neurosurgeon. He told her to have another type of MRI in November and come back to see him. She has headaches that radiate through her neck and her spine. How is that irrelevant? Especially since she is getting worse, see here. He said that her situation wasn't severe enough to think she needs any surgery right now. Ok, that's good, but why is she still in so much pain? I just don't know how to help her. Very frustrating.

4 - My thyroid doctor's office is full of rude ladies. I went to her in April just before beginning my first attempt at IVF. She told me that if I got pg to come back right away and if not then come back in 5 to 6 months because my TSH has leveled off and I'm doing good. IVF came and went and we all know how that turned out. Well, I called her at the beginning of September to make my appointment. Nothing was available until 10/27. My meds were out of refills so I had to call and talk to a recording to get a new script mailed to me. I did this on Friday. I called yesterday because I hadn't gotten it yet and now I'm OUT of meds. The first girl told me that she would see what she could do about taping it to the door after hours. Well, BJ offered to go and get it instead. Yay for a good man. When I called back to let them know that he'd be picking it up, I was asked to hang on. The girl came back and said that Dr. L is not going to refill this before seeing you because you were supposed to check in with her from April. I was rushed off the phone and stunned. BJ didn't get my message not to go by there and so he did anyway. She was rude to him before offering a sample box of my Synthroid. He would have let her have it if she was any worse with him. I will be letting the doc know my feelings on her scheduling practices anyway. It's one of those offices where your appointment is at 3:00 and they call you back at 4:00, 4:15...whatever suits their fancy.

5 - the neighbors mentioned above have a closing date of 1/4/2010. They just poured their basement walls yesterday...about 6 weeks after ours was poured. So you would figure that we would be moving in about 6 weeks before them. Not so much. BJ talked to the builder this morning and he's pretty sure we have a closing date of 12/18/2009. All of 1 week before Christmas. Fun for us. That means no decorating the rental because we will be packing and then rushing like crazy to get the tree up and all our things mostly unpacked by the 24th. That's a lot of work in a small amount of time. Oh well, it will make a good story for our first Christmas in the new house.

Ok, I guess that's all for now. If you made it through all of that, I commend you. I might post again later with something a little more light hearted. Ta ta for now!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I haven't really done a post to celebrate ICLW yet, so this is my first. Welcome to my blog.

I have to start out by saying that I have the BEST blog readers EVER! They never fail to cheer me up and let me know that I'm not alone and most importantly...that I'm not crazy. They also give me good advice and let me see another side of things sometimes. So a big THANK YOU to my blogging buddies!

Now for anyone new.....I am 33 (sheesh, where does the time go?) and STILL trying to have my first child. I've never been knocked up and at times I think I never will be. I started this journey with my first husband in August of 2000. We only ever tried naturally and were tested and told that we were both fine. I had the best kind of textbook cycle and was so proud of it that I thought for sure we'd have a baby in no time. Not so much. I am now with a new husband that I love dearly and can't believe that I was lucky enough to stumble across. I am a step-mother to his wonderful 8-year old boy, the Little Guy. We have been trying to get knocked up since May of 2006. We have been through 2 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. We are back to trying things a little more naturally. We sometimes have issues with timing...neither of us likes the pressure and the Little Guy can make it a challenge to do things on a schedule as well. I've had a pretty wacky cycle since the IVF but I think I'm on the road back to some sort of regularity. I'm charting and using OPK's and hoping for the best. I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN that specializes in the diagnosis and management of infertility on 10/28. I'm hoping that maybe a fresh set of eyes can determine a new path. We have no more money for treatments but my insurance will cover anything diagnostic as well as most of any meds. Not sure about ultrasounds due to monitoring unless they are coded as diagnostic and that is kind of lying so I don't know if there will be any monitoring...hopefully some clomid at the very least....just to make sure things happen when they are supposed to.

But that is where I am right now (in the smallest of nutshells). I have my down days and my up days. Yesterday was a down day but I think that today will be an up day. Thanks for reading my blog.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I Hate Days Like This

I have every reason in the world to be happy. I have loving parents, a husband I love dearly, a great step-son, a job that provides very well, a new house being built and my health....and yet today, I'm very sad and I just want to cry.

I just visited a message board that I became addicted to earlier this year when I had lots going on as far as IF is concerned. I go there a few times a week now. I'm rooting for these women to get BFP. Some have been through way more than me and some are newer to these struggles. I just read about a delivery (and tortured myself by looking at the pictures) of a girl that became pregnant not long after I joined the boards. She had done an IUI and she just had twin boys. Another girl announced the sex of her baby that was a big surprise natural BFP. And another wrote a wonderful and touching story about how she adopted her baby girl.

All of these girls are so happy and so in love with their babies. They are blessed and they KNOW how blessed they are. They are all great and strong and supportive and brave. And I envy them. I feel like a letch because I'm so jealous. I would never wish that they didn't get their blessings, they deserve all that happiness and more. However, I'm jealous and I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience seeing my child for the first time on a sonogram. I want to feel those first kicks. I want to hold that baby in my arms and fall completely in love with him/her. And if I had the funds to adopt, I want to feel those feelings....calling my family with a big announcement, rushing to get a nursery together, bringing a baby home for the first time...all of it.

I have so much and I feel (at times) that I have nothing and I hate myself for feeling like that. I'm teary eyed writing this. Maybe that's why I don't get to have what I want. Maybe I have asked for too much. This is stupid, but I watched House last week and a man was a billionaire but his child was sick and dying and he had already lost his wife. He believed that he should get rid of his wealth to make his son better. In the end, House figured out what was wrong with him right after he signed over his billions. He fully believed he saved his son. The rational side of me says that the universe doesn't work that way but the emotional side completely believes that I have gone wrong somewhere. I must have not followed my Path the way I should have. I must have veered away from what God wanted me to do. I just wish I could FIX it. I wish that all of my apologies for my wrong doings would make up for anything I may have done and that I could squeeze out one more blessing.

I struggle with these thoughts almost daily. BJ will say "well, if we have a kid...." and I want to yell at him to stop thinking that way because it's never going to happen. But I can't quit trying to find a way to make my dream come true.

I guess today is more of a pity party than the pity riot of last week. I'm going to pull myself together. I'm going to call my clinic tomorrow to make sure they got my request for my records yesterday and see if there is any way they can get them together quicker. I want to give a day in between requests as to not seem too pushy. I'm going to thank all of you for putting my mind at ease about my light cycles. Especially the info on my capillaries and how they contract. I actually just said to BJ yesterday about how my bleeding has been lighter but I've been crampier...maybe that is a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding. Your support and comments and advice are always welcome on this journey.

Monday, October 19, 2009

CD3 - Here Comes the Sun...

I am so happy to see the sun today...and the blue sky. I haven't seen the sun or the blue sky since last Wednesday. It has been cold, wet and dreary for days. I hate this kind of weather. I am a sunshine and 80 degree girl. I should be living in Southern California. That, after all, is where I got spoiled on the weather.

I went to a scrapbooking crop yesterday. I love scrapping. I haven't done any since early June. The Croptoberfest event last year was my first real experience with scrapping. So basically I hit my 1 year anniversary with it. I have completed my wedding album and a "family" album so far. When I started this hobby last year, I fully believed that I would have a baby album to start on very soon as BJ and I had just had our initial consultation with the Clinic. Well, here I am a year later and no closer to that album. I dream about doing one of those every time I see the pretty pink and blue paper and embellishments. I have actually started avoiding those items in the craft store. It's starting to sting. And when I go to crops, most of the women there are working on albums that include their kids and/or babies galore. I have the Little Guy to talk about and show pictures of but I always have to confess that he is my step-son. Then the question always comes..."so, do you have any kids of your own?". And I have to say, "no, not yet...hopefully soon." It never gets easier to deal with those questions no matter how long you have been at this. Maybe one day I will get to use that beautiful paper and those cute little stickers...

I called to request my medical records for my appointment with the new doctor and they told me it could take up to 3 WEEKS to get them. Great. Just. My. Luck. That, and they want to charge me .73 per page. As if they don't already have enough of my money. So it looks like I will be seeing the doctor with no records. BJ said not to change my appointment and to still go in and talk to him so that's what I'm going to do. I will make some notes of what I remember and also give him the low down on my cycles these past few months. Hopefully that will be enough to maybe get him to give me some Clomid. BJ also made the comment that we need to be better about timing. I agreed and then followed up with "I try not to nag you about that...". He didn't really respond but he knows he has issues about timing. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to fixing it, right?

AF is basically gone. There has been nothing today and I mean nothing to speak of. I love the shortness but as usual, I dread there is a bad reason for it. I basically started to really spot the late morning early afternoon. By 9:00pm it was basically a flow...too late in the day to be considered CD1 (at least by my clinic's standards). I had a medium (for me) flow Saturday and a light flow yesterday and she's practically gone today. It kind of makes waiting for O harder because once I'm done, I like to know that O is just a few days away, not a week or more. Gotta love the human body.

Thank you all for your replies from Friday. It's good to know that I can come here and be a raving lunatic once in a while and that I'm not the one getting burned at the stake for it. :-)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Out of Denial and a New Spark

I'm going to be blunt, and a little vulgar in this post. I'm not usually a cusser unless I'm driving or watching sports. But right now I'm pissed off. If foul language offends you, please read no further.

My fucking period is here. The dumb bitch showed up after all. Of course I knew she would, but still...I fucking hate this infertility shit. I haven't cried about a period coming in a long time but I'm on the verge right now. I had some brown spotting this morning and forgot to bring a pantie liner so I'm wearing a fucking pad and each time I go to the bathroom, there's a little more on there. (The tampons that I have here at work are all Super, my Regulars are at home.) And this last time? Fucking red on the TP. Shit, shit, shit. I am so mad at my body. And then I'm so mad at all the fertiles. So many of them have no idea how fucking hard this is. They get to prance around with their big, beautiful bellies and then tote their beautiful babies around while the rest of us are standing on the sidelines like hobos begging for money. Except of course we are begging for babies.

The "why?" question never gets answered and it never will. I know I'm not alone and that millions of other women suffer IF, too. However, right now it's MY turn to bitch and moan and throw my pity party. Except I don't want to throw a pity party, I want to throw a pity RIOT. I want us all to march in the streets with torches and banners and mega phones. And we could chant things like:
-What do we want? - BABIES
-When do we want them? - NOW
I want to gather up the people that tell us to "just relax" and "oh, don't worry so will happen when it's time" and I want to burn them at the stake while we all look on, laughing at them and telling THEM to just relax....the burning will stop hurting when it's TIME.

I know, I'm a little morbid. I get that way when I'm angry and when I feel slighted and when my period is starting because I'm once again NOT FUCKING PREGNANT and I have hormones that let me be bitchy because I can just blame it on my PERIOD. There, enough said on that. I'm sorry if I have disturbed anyone but I'm venting and of course I'm not really a violent person I'm just so tired of all of this. And this leads me to my new spark.

BJ was reading the local paper yesterday evening and stumbled upon an article that he wanted to share with me. He passed it over and the title caught my eye immediately. The local hospital has just acquired a new OB/GYN that specializes in infertility. He completed a three-year fellowship in reproductive endocrinology and infertility at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. I checked to see if the practice that he joined takes my insurance and they do. I only have coverage for diagnostics and drugs, no treatments. However, I want to sit down and talk with him and let him look over my records to see if there is anything he can tell me that would help us on this journey. I called the office and made an appointment for 10/28 at 9:00am, first of the day. I asked if he runs on time and was told that sometimes he runs late because he really likes to talk with patients and get to know them and their situation. I'm glad I am first in that morning. I don't know if he can offer anything new, especially since we have no money for him, but maybe a fresh set of eyes will spark something.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Lying to Myself

You know the point in your cycle when you start lying to yourself? Yes, you do...don't act innocent on this one. It's the point where your period is a few days away and you see the slightest (and I do mean slight) tinge on the good old TP. If you happen to be "active" at this point and when you yourself up, you definitely notice some tinges of color on the TP. Well, this has been happening to me. I're so surprised aren't you?

I saw the slightest tinge the other day and just ignored it. Telling myself, "self, you do not see just didn't drink enough water so your pee is a little darker than usual." I'm so good at lying to myself these days. I'm on CD25 today. BJ and I were active Tuesday night. There was definite spotting there. But of course, I just lied to myself again. I also did not say anything to BJ for fear that speaking the words "my period is about to start" would a) freak him out because he wants nothing to do with me if there is the tiniest of spotting and b) would open the flood gates and my cycle would be a FAILURE. I couldn't let either of those happen so I just IGNORED it...again. My temp has stayed up but that means nothing to me as my temps have been way crazy this cycle. I did, however get the monthly headache last night. I IGNORED it (sensing a pattern here?) and just went to bed. Well, it was still there this morning so I know it's my progesterone dropping. I took 2 Advil and it has subsided so I'm lying to myself again saying that it was just a regular headache. The best part about this time in my cycle...I have switched over to the black underwear. Yes people, I have several pairs of black undies that I wear just before and just after my period starts. These days, I like to have the black undies on so that I don't actually SEE any spotting taking place.

I obviously like to delude myself for as long as possible. I haven't seen any more spotting on bathroom trips so I have started telling myself that I was just having some left over implantation bleeding or the normal early pregnancy spotting. I am getting good at this delusional behavior, aren't I? I don't recommend you trying this at home as it leads to a very hard downfall when the period actually shows up...on expected. She is supposed to be here Saturday if I have a 26 day cycle, which was my norm before IVF. I don't really have a norm now, so I don't know when she will show. But I can assure you that I will not stop lying to myself and thinking that we were lucky this month.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Thank you so much to Peanut Noodle for my award! It's always nice to get an award and I always smile when one happens to come my way. Here are the rules for this award:

Here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

1) My middle name is Jean. This is the same middle name as my Aunt. We both have the initials T.J (hence my blogging name) and she is known as Senior and I am known as Junior. I also share this middle name with my older brother. His is spelled Gene and my mother insists that she didn't realize we both had the same middle name until she yelled at him for doing something. She also says she was strong armed by my grandmother to give me that middle name. Not sure I believe her on that one but I'll go with it. Otherwise, I would have Lynn as my middle name.

2) I was quite the Tomboy growing up and sometimes I still revert back to those ways. I once saw my older brother getting beaten up across the street by our neighbor named Joey. I was about 8 or 9. I was wearing a dress (very unlike me) and had my hair in pig-tails (one of my mother's favorite 'do's) and I ran down the steps of the split foyer, out the front door, across the street and clotheslined Joey right off my brother. I don't remember much else about that other than my brother was a little embarrassed. I think I would still protect him in that way today.

3) In 12 years of school (Kindergarten was not required when I was little) I went to 13 different schools. My dad was military and we moved a lot. I haven't lived in a lot of states, but I've lived in several parts of some states. I think this is where I got my adaptability from. I can slink in and find a place in almost any situation. I learned early on to be an observer of my surroundings and try not to make a commotion.

4) My favorite color is purple. This might not seem like a spectacular revelation, but the odd thing is that I don't really own much purple. I have 2 pairs of purple pants and 2 purple shirts. I mainly wear blues and greens and browns. My bedspread has the slightest bit of purple in it, but other than that, you'd have a hard time guessing that purple is indeed my favorite color.

5) I think I should have been born Italian. I LOVE pasta. I have a (according to my husband) bottomless stomach when it comes to eating pasta. I could eat different kinds of pasta every day if I could. My favorite is spaghetti. He jokes with me about my appetite and says that I'm holding a 400 pound woman hostage in my body because he doesn't know where I put my food. Trust me, it all goes to my hips and butt.

6) I hate violence. I can't stand the thought of someone getting physically hurt. I have always had a hard time watching particularly violent movies. Not so much the shoot-em-up type or the slasher flicks from the old days. More along the lines of the types of violence that seem more "real". I don't like watching Cops when people are fighting...I don't like watching MMA events. It really turns my stomach when people are hurting. Even if it's the Bad Guy getting beaten or me they are humans and I sympathize with their pain. The only kind of violence I can seem to tolerate is in hockey. Which leads me to #7...

7) I LOVE HOCKEY! My ex-husband introduced me to the sport in 1995 and I have been hooked ever since. I love my home team but I can also watch other teams play. I find it exhilarating. I find the players so unattractive that they are attractive. I love watching goalies make spectacular saves. I love a good hit into the glass. When they fight, it's not to hurt each's a team boosting, momentum jolting event. They are usually laughing after the fight anyway. Being at a game is thrilling...the music, the lights, the action, the crowd...all of it just gets my blood pumping! When a goal is scored and the siren sounds you have to jump out of seat to celebrate as though you are a member of the team. I can feel the anticipation of a goal about to be scored. I get knots in my stomach during overtime and shoot outs. I can only dream of the day when my team can hoist the Stanley Cup to a roaring crowd...

I could go on and on about I'm sure you can I'll stop now and nominate a few of the blogs that I would like to pass this award on to:


Conceive This!

999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

Bottoms off and on the Table

Slice of Pie

Gracie in Brooklyn

Wait, What?

Friday, October 9, 2009

9DPO - 3-day weekend!

I love 3-day weekends! I really hate Mondays so having one off is tremendous for me. I just wish this afternoon would move a little quicker. I'm not going to complain too much since we do have a 3-day weekend ahead of us. The schools around here and most other business (including BJ's) are open Monday so it's like having a regular weekday off. The roads will be empty of people that normally get a 3-day weekend leaving me plenty of room to run a bunch of "me" errands! Yay! Did I mention how much I love 3-day weekends?

Our contractor will be able to tell us in about a week and a half what our "delivery" date will be. I can't believe it! And he's very confident that it will be before Christmas. Holy moly...can you imagine trying to move just before Christmas? In order to help me get myself in the holiday mode, I like to decorate the house and put up the tree no later than the first weekend in December...usually Thanksgiving weekend. Yes, I'm one of those. I LIVE for holiday decorating. So this means I am going to be on pins and needles waiting to hear that date. We don't want to spend Christmas in the rental, however, I also don't want to move right before Christmas, either. That means no decorating the rental (because I'm not doing it to just take it right back down and put it up somewhere else), trying to pack and move and hide presents and figure out where furniture and tables are going to go and getting everything put away as quickly as possible so that I can make our new house feel like a home in time for Christmas. Whew! That is going to be a task. I'm not going to complain about getting in the house sooner than we planned, but it's just sort of bad timing. I guess I am complaining a bit...

As all of the Infertile community knows...IF puts your life on hold. Our entire Summer was run by our IVF. That meant no real vacation. Shoot, our Spring was run by our IUI's so we didn't even really do anything during that time, either. We have decided that we think we are going to take the Little Guy to Disney World/Universal Studios in February. We will not be doing any treatments, we all know I will probably be in the 2ww and scared to death to ride anything. I know it's far away on the calendar, but I know how things work out. I'm trying not to think about it and I haven't worked it out on the calendar yet so I might be getting worked up for nothing. I will either be in the 2ww or I will miraculously get knocked up before we go. I am an avid roller coaster rider. BJ is not. The Little Guy is just now getting brave about them and tall enough. We took a trip 2 years ago to Busch Gardens. It killed me because I couldn't ride NOT 1 ROLLER COASTER. I might go into convulsions if I can't ride any at Disney World or Universal. I have never been there and I want to do as much as possible while I am there. Wish me have not heard the last of this.

I contacted my nurse and she said that there is a trial coming up in January or February (see what I mean about timing?) and that she would keep me in mind for it. I know that these things have strict rules and criteria to meet so we will see if it's even a possibility for us. She wishes us the best and to contact her any time. I thought that was very nice of her.

I'm not having any symptoms of anything right now. I figure if we got lucky that I should start to notice something early next week. I would be super thrilled to move into that house and KNOW that we are going to be able to turn that bedroom #4 into a nursery. Wishful thinking, but I can't help it.

I hope all of you out there have a wonderful weekend. If you are not off on Monday, I'm sorry. And if you are...enjoy!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

7DPO - Ghosts of the Past

My cell phone rang today and my nurse's name came up on the caller ID. Just seeing her name bummed me out. I immediately pressed "ignore" and sent her to my voicemail. As soon as the voicemail notification chimed, I dialed in. She was calling to check on me and see how I am doing. She was curious to know what we have decided and what (if any) financial arrangements had been made as far as another cycle goes. She wants me to give her a call.

It's odd that this call came in right now. I was looking at the calendar and realized that as of Columbus Day, it has been 1 year since BJ and I visited the clinic for our initial consultation. What a great anniversary.

All my disappointment returned when I saw her name and listened to her message. All those feelings of my failed IUI's and my failed IVF came rushing back. These feelings are so intense but at the same time it feels like a LIFETIME ago. Like it happened to someone else and I just watched from the sidelines. At times during my treatment I felt like I was on the sidelines while someone else called the plays. I wish there was more I could have done to make my treatments successful. I'm beginning to think that I just have rotten eggs and that nothing I do can change that because I was born with them already rotten.

I read some information online about how a shortened cycle can mean egg quality issues. Well, I went from a clockwork 28 day cycle to a clockwork 26 day cycle a few years ago...actually right around my 30th birthday...the precise time I went off BCP and started TTC again. The article specifically mentioned dropping from 28 to 26 days.

Some research shows that a certain diet can affect your egg quality. I'm not sure how much credence I put into that. Most of what I read suggests it's purely hormonal and age driven. I wish I knew for sure what to believe. Having a husband and an 8 year old (a few nights a week) does not make diet changes easy. Actually, nearly impossible in my household. BJ cooks dinner most weeknights and he is not going to make me something special. We eat together as a family. When we don't have the Little Guy, it's even more difficult to try and eat something different as BJ is not going to make dinner for 1. If I were single, controlling what I eat would be no problem. But then I wouldn't be trying to get knocked up if I were single.

I don't know for certain that I have rotten eggs but it's the most likely scenario. I had 5 follicles, 4 eggs and 3 mature. One of those mature eggs was rotten because it let in 2 sperm. I'm guessing that the other 2 (that were supposedly "perfect, grade 1, 0% fragmentation embies) must have arrested after transfer. Either that or I have a bad uterus. Without another cycle and additional testing, I will never know. I can't afford any more IVF's. IUI's won't tell me anything about my eggs or my uterus so they are useless to me. Although I'd love to do another one since I at least know that my eggs will fertilize with BJ's swimmers. *sigh*

I need to get back to my nurse but I'm going to go the chicken way and just e-mail her. I'm going to let her down gently. Very much unlike the way BJ would handle things. He'd love to tell them all off for not getting me pregnant and taking all that money. Poor guy. He's just as helpless as me in this whole thing.

Oh...and I forgot to temp this morning. My alarm went off and instead of rolling away from me so I will get up, BJ rolled toward me and snuggled with me for a few minutes. It was a nice way to start the day. I told him that he makes it very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. And then I had to jump up and get in the shower. I was brushing my teeth when I remembered about my temperature. I'm such a doofus sometimes.

And some good news....BJ got a raise at work! This is going to help us out so much with the new house. I'm so proud of him for being recognized by his boss. And in an economy like this, I am very grateful for what we have. I actually feel a little guilt about it sometimes. I mean, here we are having a new house built and he just got a big raise and there are people that can't feed their children. It breaks my heart.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

6DPO - It's the Little Things

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Been busy at work and the last thing I want to do is sit behind a computer at home these days.

I have to tell a story about how happy I was Friday.

We met up with BJ's sister and her family (2 boys aged 8 and 6 and a girl aged 15 months) to go to the fair. We went back to her house to hang out for a while. The niece and I sat on the couch for about 30 minutes playing with a set of cookie toys. One side of the cookie had a shape and it snapped together with the other side with the matching shape. We went through them 3 times. Every time she got it right, I cheered and we high fived. She would ask for help when she couldn't get the pieces together...although she picked the right ones 99% of the time. After that, I could tell she was sleepy and it was just about her nap time. I asked her if she was ready to take a nap and she said yes. She picked up her blanket and asked for her "pass" (pacifier) and I picked her up. I asked my SIL if it was ok if I put her down and she said that it was and that they usually read her 2 books before she goes down for a nap. I carried her to her room and I picked 2 books and we sat in the rocker/glider in her room. She made me put my feet up on the glider part, just like mommy does. I read her the 2 books and laid her down in her crib. She curled up and went to sleep. I found out that she doesn't let her dad put her to bed and I kind of felt bad. I'm guessing that it's a "girl" thing. We don't spend a lot of time together and she's usually pretty shy at first until she warms up to us. She had NO problems letting me put her to bed and that made me feel really good. It also made me wish she was mine...but I usually wish that all the little toddlers and babies are mine.

When she woke up, I asked my SIL if I could get her and she agreed. I really expected her to be a crying mess and not want me after she woke up. Most babies in my experience want their parent when they first wake up. However, I went in and I picked her up and she laid her head on my shoulder and quieted right down. It was such a nice and peaceful that I will cherish for a very long time.

THEN...later we decided to try and get her to dance as she likes to do. The radio was turned on and it was a song I know pretty well so I started singing and bee bopping. She copied everything I did. She even tried to move her mouth like I was doing when I was singing. I asked her if she could snap her fingers and of course she had to try. It was amazing. We have never connected so well before. She was studying me so closely. The BIL even pointed out how she was copying everything I was doing.

Man I wish I could get pregnant and have a baby. I can't even begin to tell you how great I felt that day. I'm lucky to have her in my life to keep my eye on the prize.

I'm 6DPO and my temps are as crazy as this whole cycle has been. I'm going to post a link to my chart eventually. I really need to try to stop analyzing the data but it's kind of fun because I never know what I'm going to get from day to day. I'm not feeling any different than I do any other cycle, so we probably missed the boat. But I guess you never know.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

1dpo - Not All Hope is Lost - EDITED

Let me tell you....yesterday I felt like someone was stabbing my ovary, twisting it up and trying to rip it out. Of course this is my left ovary. The one that hurts the most and the one that usually gets the functioning cyst and the one that is slower to respond to stims and the one that hurt the most after my ER. I haven't had that much pain while ovulating in a LONG ass time. It got so bad that I had to breath through it as though I were in labor. I've never been in labor, but I've heard LOTS of stories. I finally took some Motrin and it either eased the pain or the pain just lessened as the day went on as it usually does.

We had Chinese food for dinner last night. I ordered my favorite, General Tso's Chicken, and a large steamed rice with 2 shrimp egg rolls. The Little Guy was with his mom last night and one order is enough for just BJ and me. For some reason they gave me 3 fortune cookies. I'm mad at myself for forgetting to bring them in because I wanted to quote them word for word. Alas, I am a forgetting fool these days. We ate dinner and cleaned up and then I remembered about the cookies. I gave BJ his, took mine and began opening it and set the third one on the table. I smiled when I read (and this is paraphrasing) "When winter comes, you will be successful". BJ asked me what mine said and I made him wait until he read his. HIS SAID THE EXACT SAME THING! We started laughing. I was going to save the third one for the Little Guy but now I just HAD to know what it said. When I opened it I read out loud, "All your hard work will soon pay off". BJ laughed and said that he guesses we will both do something good at work. And I said, "no...what if we get pregnant this winter?" He said that would be cool. And then I said that I'd much prefer that it happen before winter gets here but I'll take it.

Remember how I was upset with him yesterday for not "performing" for me like every good little monkey should? And you should read that with complete sarcasm because I in NO WAY think of my husband that way. He proceeds to tell me that he'd actually prefer it happen next month when he isn't on his meds anymore because it has him a bit concerned. I felt like a fink. I thought he was just avoiding the babymaking stress but in actuality he was a bit freaked out by his medicine and how it might affect a growing baby. So all hope in him is not lost. :-) Plus, he did mention how we were active about 36 to 40 hours before I ovulated so there is still a chance. I'm not naive, I know the odds aren't good and that we really should have done it Tuesday...but I'll play along and be hopeful for another cycle. What have I got to lose? Besides my sanity.

So I start another 2ww today. And the fun begins of analyzing everything and thinking and dreaming and wondering and...oh hell, you know the drill.

***our fortunes said, "When winter comes, Heaven will rain success on you". Much better than how I remember it.