Monday, January 31, 2011

Weekend Recap

Welcome to Monday.  I've never been a fan of Mondays.  Even when I was a kid I disliked Mondays.  I'm pretty much ok with the rest of the week, but Monday just gets on my nerves.  Anyway...

Our weekend....

We picked up our curtains on Saturday.  They have not been put up yet.  I should have known better than to expect that project to come to a close so easily.  :-)  We also went to Target to get curtain rods because the department store is so expensive.  We found 3 rods (and that was an accomplishment!) on clearance that we liked for all of $15 each!  SCORE.  We also bought a rod for the office curtains...which should come today.  I'm very excited about all of this stuff and I wish I could get BJ just as excited to hang them up.  I need to work on that because I really don't want to wait until the weekend to get everything up.

We went to the Little Guy's basketball game Saturday afternoon.  They came out strong and took a big lead but ended up losing the game.  The LG didn't make any baskets but he played good defense.  The team is really coming along and it's nice to see them get the confidence they need.

On Sunday we went to lunch at 5 Guys and saw a sale banner outside at Office Depot so we decided to check it out.  We ended up getting a new all in one printer/scanner/copier.  The one we have (only 2 years old) won't feed paper anymore so we needed a new one.  Plus, we got $50 off for trading in our old printer...even though it didn't work.  It was definitely an unexpected expense but I think we got a good product.  It took me way too long to figure out how to do the wireless connection but I got it working right before the NHL All Star game started.  I watched the game and BJ went over to the neighbor's house for a while.  That's when things took a very strange turn.

I started getting text messages from the wife asking me about a passport.  As it turns out, they talked him into wanting to go on a vacation.  As in a FLY somewhere tropical vacation.  He's never flown.  He's missed out on going to a Redskins game FOR FREE because he was afraid to fly.  There were 2 times that I really needed him by my side and he didn't want to fly so he didn' sucked.  So now he wants to go to the US Virgin Islands (since we don't need a passport) and he wants to go ASAP.  He opened his big mouth to them and said that I have an appointment with a doctor to discuss getting pregnant.  He told them that getting pregnant is going to cost us a lot of money and that we don't know if we can swing it.  Leslie (the wife) is sure she can get us a great deal.  They want to go now because if I "get all knocked up" (her words) I won't be able to have as much fun.  BJ threw in the comment about how if we have a baby, we won't be able to go on a trip like this any time soon and he's READY.


After reality set in (as of this morning) BJ is wondering where all the money is going to come from.  Me too.  I'd love to go and I want to find a way to do it but is it a priority?  And how do I explain to my dad that I need to borrow money but at the same time "hey, we're going on a vacation!".  I'm not sure that would go over very well.

My husband is ready to fly.  I have to take advantage of that, right?  I have to find a way to make this work.  And I have to find a way to explain it all to my dad...if we get approved for the program.  We have the credit cards that could cover the trip or part of the IVF but I'd rather not go that route.  We have enough monthly bills without adding another one.  We have a week or so to figure this all out but what a surprise it was to hear my husband say he's ready to go...on a plane.

I also told BJ that if we are accepted into the program that we don't have to start that day.  We could hold off for 1 more cycle to give ourselves a little more time to find a good travel offer...after all, I've been waiting 10 years, what's another month?

Friday, January 28, 2011

Less Than 2 Weeks

My appointment with the RE is less than 2 weeks away.  How cool is that?  I know that it's very preliminary and that we may not even be able to move forward, but I'm trying to keep the Hope alive.  I actually went into my craft know, the 4th bedroom that has been mocking me since our failed IVF...and decided where I would put a crib, changing station/dress and glider.  That's just pure Crazy talk with a capital C.  But I did it and then I walked out of the room and said to myself...hopefully.

I just want to be accepted into the program.  I want a CHANCE at this Motherhood thing.  I want to exhaust my options.  Of course, that means that I will be signing up for up to 6 fresh IVFs...that will exhaust me physically, emotionally and mentally I'm sure.  My first IVF about did me in.  Maybe that was because I knew it was our one shot.  If we get accepted into the program we will have more chances to be successful.  I'm hoping that will subdue some of my fretting.  Time will tell.

I'm on CD7 today.  I haven't been temping and I won't be doing OPKs this time.  I'm out of them and I didn't order more because I'd like to be stress free in the babymaking department for these next couple of weeks.  I'll be on CD20 the day of my appointment.  If all goes well, I should be able to start testing on CD3 of my next cycle which should be somewhere between February 19 and 24.  That's less than a month away.

This is all presumptive of us making it that far.  Fingers crossed.

The first set of curtains that I ordered arrived this week and we should be going to pick them up tomorrow.  Yay!  My office curtains should be delivered Monday.  That means we need curtain rods and to buckle down and put them all up.  I can't wait.  The only thing left for the bedroom will be painting.  We've lived there for over a year and we still don't have things straight.  I guess it gives us something to do with our weekends, right?

The Little Guy has a basketball game tomorrow.  He made 2 baskets at his last game. It was so fun to watch!  He played it off like he makes baskets all the time...he's Mr. Cool, you know.  We all knew how excited he was on the inside.  :-)  I'm hoping he has another good game tomorrow.

I'm done with snow.  It's snowing again.  I don't think much is sticking but that's not the point.  I'm ready for Spring...NOW, please.  I feel like I'm living in a snow globe for crying out loud.

I hope you all have a great weekend!  I'm working on some in depth posts about step-parenting (for anyone out there that can relate) but it will take me some time to pull them all together...stay tuned!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Happiness Is...

- feeling PROactive in my attempt to expand our family.  It feels good to have a plan (and an appointment) in place.  I'm trying not to get carried away on the Hope Train, but it's hard.  For now I am just happy to be doing something.

- going to a small crop on Saturday and getting 12 pages done.  I could have done more, but I ran out of pictures.  That never happens...well I guess I can't say never.  I need to print some more to keep my streak going.

- my new winter coat from Land's End.  It's so warm...and I have needed it so much this winter.  It was 10 degrees this morning and the only thing that was cold on me was my legs (from mid thigh down).  I bought it online which is very tricky for me because I really like trying coats on, but it turned out to fit just fine.

- trying a new recipe and realizing how GOOD it is.  I made homemade chicken pot pie last week from a recipe I got online.  YUMMY...and the family loved it too.  We had it 2 nights in a row!  It's great comfort food for this time of year.

- ordering curtains for our bedroom and our office and getting a great deal.  I went to the store last weekend while they were having a buy one get one 50% off sale on curtains.  Found the ones I wanted but they didn't have enough.  The sales lady said that she would check the computer because sometimes when she orders them they ring up for even less.  She was right!  The regular price was $30 so buying 6 (we have 3 windows) would have put me at $135.  When she ordered them all online for store delivery, they came up to $15 each...for us math whizzes that's a total of $90!  Wow!  Today, I got an e-mail from the store with an offer for an extra 15% off (for 5 hours only) and free shipping so I ordered some for the office.  My order total was $81 with a savings of $103 between the sale and the extra % off.  I did good, if I do say so myself.  Can't wait until they all get here.  The bedroom curtains will ship to the store for free shipping.

- my iPhone...what can I say about it?  I love reading blogs and commenting (when I can) while on the go.  It's great.  Plus, I love having FB right at my fingertips.  My husband has called me a dork on several occasions because of what I'm posting these days.  I can't help it...I love being able to post on the move and in the moment.  :-)  And if that makes me a dork, well so be it.

 - finding a great deal on reusable bags.  You know those grocery bags that everyone under the sun is selling to get us to cut back on plastic bags?  Well I finally bought some.  I didn't want to pay the price for the ones that I really liked and then others were...not my taste per se.  Walking through the sports store yesterday I found a huge rack of Capitals bags on clearance for all of .23 each!  I picked up 10!  Now that's a deal.  AND it doesn't matter what store I'm shopping at when I fill those bags.  Go me for being greener!

Friday, January 21, 2011

A Surreal Moment

First, a little back story.

My husband is a big tough guy.  He doesn't take any crap from anyone.  He's not afraid to speak his mind.  He has a high pain tolerance.  He rarely admits being in pain.  The past couple of years he's had some issues with heartburn and acid reflux.  He went to see his doctor and was put on a medicine that didn't do much for him.  He graduated to a stronger medicine.  He was advised to see a GI specialist.  He went to the specialist and was given orders for blood work, x-rays and an endoscopy.  He didn't do any of it.  He took the medicine and went on his merry way.  Fast forward almost a year.  He started having side pains.  The pains would start in his side and sort of radiate around toward his back.  He went to get checked.  The doctor wanted to do x-rays.  He actually got them done...along with more heartburn medicine.  The x-rays were clear.  He let it go.  We are now in the present.  The side pains and continuous heartburn have finally worn him down enough to really get checked out.  He went back to the specialist and was again ordered an endoscopy and an x-ray with contrast.

BJ went in for his endoscopy yesterday.  He was a nervous wreck.  He was quiet and subdued.  I tried to lighten the mood but he wasn't really interested.  We were told that it would be about a 15 minute procedure and then whatever time it took him to wake up.  He was called back at 9:20ish.  I sat there until 11:00 waiting for him to be finished.  I think I held my own pretty well.  I figured they were running behind or something and that I shouldn't panic and demand that someone tell me what's going on.  When I was told I could go back I jumped out of my seat at lightning speed and hurried through the door.  BJ had a hernia operation before I knew him.  He was put under and woke up feeling fine.  He asked for coffee and was ready to go home shortly after.  I was expecting something similar yesterday.  That was not the case.

When I walked around the corner I was not prepared for what I saw.  I saw my husband laying in a hospital bed.  He was asleep but in a very relaxed way.  He had oxygen tubes up his nose.  He was hooked up to a heart monitor that was beeping away.  He had a blood pressure cuff on his arm.  He had a pulse/ox on his finger.  I've never seen him this way before.  It scared me.  I knew that he was fine, but the thought of him not being fine one day and possibly really being in the hospital looking like that scared the heebie jeebies out of me.  I took a deep breath and walked over to him.  I touched his arm and he opened his very bloodshot eyes.  He reached for me with his left arm and wrapped it around me as best he could.  He took my hand and kissed my fingers.  I let out the breath that I had been holding.

He had a really rough time waking up and we didn't get out of there until about 12:30.  He threw up from the anesthesia and just felt really bad.  The anesthesiologist came by and said that she had given him more than the average dose because he kept asking her to knock him out because he was so nervous.  He doesn't remember any of that.  He was obviously already out of it enough but she didn't know because he kept on chatting away.  Poor thing.  He came home and went straight to bed for 2 hours.  He's ok now aside from the sore throat.  He has been scheduled for a colonoscopy on 1/31.  He's really not looking forward to that and I'll be surprised if he keeps the appointment.  The nurse assured him that the drugs are much different and he will not have such a hard time waking up.  I hope she's right.

I felt really helpless when I saw him like that.  I knew there was nothing I could do and I was afraid of trying to do too much.  I was just there with him because that's what I'm good at.  It was such a surreal moment to say the least.  I've seen other people and family members like that but never the man I love, the man that I depend on to take care of me (and I know that sounds cheesy, but I think you know what I mean), the man that is Mr. Tough Guy.  He was so vulnerable and helpless.  I didn't like it...not one bit.  I hope the 31st goes better than yesterday.  If it doesn't, at least I know what to expect now.  I won't expect him to be sitting up, wide awake and asking for a cup of coffee.  :-)

The other surreal moment was when the nurse told us that he has Esophagitis.  His esophagus is inflamed and irritated and has some sores that could lead to ulcers.  He had quite a few biopsies taken to find out if the sores are bacterial or cancerous.  We won't know for 3 full weeks.  I could kick him in his shin for not getting this test done way back when he first started having issues.  But he's a man after all.  Men don't have the best track record for going to the doctor and getting tests done.  Now I have to sit here for the next 3 weeks wondering if my husband has cancer.  Very surreal.  I'm going to try not to stress about it until I know for sure.  There's no point in worrying myself sick, right?  If you can send some prayers/positive thoughts our way that would be a wonderful gift.  His x-ray with contrast is next week...Tuesday I think.

In other news...the clinic called to reschedule my appointment.  I will now meet with my RE one day later, on February 10.  I have much to post about this and about the positive feedback I have received since announcing our plan.  It will have to wait as I am now out of blog time at work.  :-)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Plan

BJ and I talked a couple of times about our options over the weekend.  We discussed adoption a little and the money it takes.  We discussed the money involved in the IVF shared risk program.  He doesn't want to shell money out at all.  Well, duh.  None of us do.  We'd all like to live in the land of Fertile, but we don't.  We live in this nasty wasteland that is Infertility.  In order to build our family we have to spend money, and gobs of it.  We agreed that we need to do SOMETHING.  His words were, "you are almost out of time, I am out of limit was 37 and I'll be 39 this year."

We decided that we are going to apply for the shared risk IVF program at our clinic (please let us qualify!).  If we don't have a bio baby then at least we get our money back and can make a decision about adoption at that time.  Right now, neither of us feel that adoption is the answer.  We both have too many mixed feelings about expanding our family through adoption.  I cannot thank you all enough for your comments (and e-mails!) that really let me see another side of adoption.  I truly believe that if we do not conceive, we will pursue adoption with our refund money.  I think I have to be completely sure that my body will not give us a baby before I'm fully committed to adoption.  All of your heartfelt e-mails and comments have actually helped me not feel so overwhelmed with making this decision.  BJ said to me that if we do all 6 cycles (and any FETs) and we still don't have a baby...then we know for sure that we tried everything and that it just isn't going to happen in my body.  He said there would be no more questions and no more "what ifs".  He's right.  Many people do not get pregnant from their first IVF.  We only did one and I feel like we didn't try hard enough.

Where is the money coming from?  Well, BJ would like for me to ask my dad for a loan instead of charging part and taking part out of my 401k.  I don't know if I can do that.  I told him that maybe I will ask him for half and take the other half from my 401k to leave our credit cards clear.  He said this to me, "would it be harder for you to ask your dad for money, or to live without a baby?"  Hmmmm....good point.  First, I have to see if we qualify for the program.  I set an appointment with my RE for February 9.  He will either turn me down flat or he'll ask for blood work and all the usual IF work up stuff to see how things look.  If we are approved then I have to figure out exactly where the money comes from.  My FSH was slightly elevated (just under 10) in October of 2008 and I really hope that it hasn't gotten any worse.  I think that will be the determining factor in all of this.

I will be honest...I'm filled with hope and excitement over the prospect of cycling again.  I know I will hate all the extra driving to the monitoring appointments and all the needle sticks and everything else that comes along with it...but the thought of having at least 6 REAL tries at a baby just makes me giddy.  I've been thinking about how I might actually get to use the baby name(s) I've picked out.  I've thought about how exciting it will be to tell people.  I've thought about nursery furniture and how it won't make my heart ache to shop for baby items.  I won't have to avert my eyes while walking through the store.  I know I am WAY ahead of myself, but I just can't help it.  I have baby-brain right now.

The first hurdle is getting approved.  My appointment is Feb 9 which is 3 weeks from today. We will most likely have to repeat all of our testing and that will take a couple of weeks.  The earliest I will probably cycle is late March or early April.  If we can get a BFP within our first 3 cycles then I won't be far from my self-imposed deadline.  Not too shabby.  And maybe, just maybe I will have a baby or at least be pregnant at this time next year.  Now that is a great plan.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Rolling Right Along

In keeping with my new outlook and my new (continued) desperation on expanding our family, I thought I'd tell you all what I did yesterday.

I called my clinic.  I asked about their Shared Risk IVF program, their Shared Risk Donor Egg program and their normal Donor Egg Program.  I even went as far as leaving a message for my RE's nurse.  The nurse I had been assigned to is no longer there.  Here's what I found out.

The shared risk IVF  is around $20,000.  This includes 6 fresh IVF cycles and any subsequent FETs.  If I do not take a baby home I get my money back.  We have already given them about $13,000 and that was for 2 IUI's and an IVF.  If I were not so sure that the treatments would have worked I would have scraped together another $7,000.  Hind sight and blind hope gets me nothing but a much smaller wallet.

The shared risk donor egg program varies in price.  They have this new program that lets people share their donor with as many as 2 other recipients.  I've never heard of that but thought it was a good idea.  The price scale for this is as follows:

1:1 (one donor, one recipient) $52,500
1:2 $37,000
1:3 $29,000

If there is no "take home" baby, they refund the money.  This also includes 6 fresh cycles and if you are lucky enough to have any embies left over (after sharing), FETs are included as well.

The regular donor program lets you share your donor as well.  Those prices are listed below:

1:1 $27,000
1:2 $16,000
1:3 $14,600

Any FETs would cost around $4,000.

Pretty steep on any level.  When talking to the receptionist I asked her if we would have to go through all the initial testing again or if we could jump right in.  She said that since it's been over 12 months that we would have to repeat all of our blood work and such as if we were new patients.  That stinks but I understand why they do it that way.  Things can change very suddenly sometimes.

I didn't tell BJ any of this yet.  I'm trying to get a clearer picture of my own feelings before I approach him with this.  He's going to want to know where the money is going to come from.  I was thinking that if we go for the shared risk IVF that we would charge half and take the other half out of my 401k.  Not exactly the wisest financial decision but what part of TTC with ART is?  The money has to come from somewhere and since I don't have a money tree in my backyard I have to get creative.  Also, we can't take out a home equity loan because the market is still not that great in our area and I doubt we have gained that much equity (if any at all) in the short amount of time we have lived in our house.  I will probably let my dad know of our plans (if any plans get made) and maybe he will offer to help.  I won't ask him to help because I just can't do that.

I'm not sure what direction we are going to go but I think BJ is starting to realize that me "just hoping for the best" (his words) isn't working for me.  I feel like I need a clear direction to go in.  I'm sort of wandering right now.  I can feel myself being tugged into action.  Not sure which action just yet, but action nonetheless.

Let's get this ball rolling...I want to be a mom.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

More Adoption Thoughts

Can I just say that I have the best readers?  You guys really left me some very thoughtful, encouraging and wonderful remarks on my last post.  And to my dear reader that e-mailed her comment (I'm not posting it because I don't want any negative commenters traveling over to your blog) thank you so very much.  You all gave me so much to think about and let me know that the situation might not be as scary as I'm making it out to be.  One commenter, heartincharge (go congratulate her on her great news!) left me a very interesting remark.  She hit the nail on the head.  I think part of my fear of adopting comes from the fact that I already share a child with another (bio)mother.  It sucks to share.  It sucks to always be 2nd or 3rd in line with the Little Guy.  It's not his fault and I lay no blame to him.  It's just the way it is.

My adopted child would know from day 1 that he/she was adopted.  Therefore, I'd be "adopted mom" while the child's "real" mom was out in the world somewhere.  I know that adopted children love their adoptive parents dearly...but the fact remains that many (most?) want to know their real mother.  Even if it's just to meet out of pure curiosity, it would still be me sharing my child with someone else.  I was raised by my step-mother and my real father.  When I was little I remember wondering what my real mom was doing at her house.  Was she missing me?  Would I not be getting in trouble for my C on my report card if I was living with my real mom?  Would my real mom let me stay up and watch a show on TV?  Would I have more in common with my real mom?  As a kid, those are examples of things that went through my mind.  It didn't mean that I loved my step-mom any less, it just wasn't the same with me knowing that my bio-mom was out there.  It stopped me from getting as close to my step-mom as I should have.  She is the one that took care of me when I was sick, she was the one that taught me how to do laundry and dishes and grocery shopping.  She was the one that baked me birthday cakes and told me about the birds and the bees.  She's the one that I have really great memories of.  My mom didn't do much for me but give birth.  And yet, as a child I held her up on a pedestal.  I jumped at the chance to talk to her on the phone.  If she sent me a birthday card I tore into it immediately.  She was the greatest thing since sliced bread as far as I was concerned.  I know that those things hurt my step-mom.  I didn't get it until I became a step-mom.  I know so much more now about what she went through.  The Little Guy loves me but his mother is the greatest thing since sliced bread in his world.  And that's ok.  He's a kid.  At least his mother is in his life to warrant that comparison.

I fear that my adopted child would regard me as a step-mom.  That probably sounds crazy because I would have the child from its infancy and be the only mother it ever knew since birth, but it's still a fear I have.  I don't want to be a step-mother to my own child.  I don't know how I would handle that.  Yes the child would call me Mommy, but as soon as he/she was old enough to start asking questions about his/her birth parents, I think I would be crushed.  I think I would be bitter and resentful that I had to be open and honest about it.  I don't think I would handle it very well.  It wouldn't be fair to the child to not handle it well.  The child has every right to know where he/she came from and how the adoption came about.  I just know myself.  And I know how much it would hurt and I would not be able to hide that hurt.  It's hard enough to hide my hurt from the Little Guy sometimes.  As he gets older I think it will be harder to hide from him.  He's a smart cookie.  The last thing I want is for him to feel torn between two moms so I (with as much grace as I can muster) step aside.  All the while my heart breaks a little more because I will always be 2nd choice.

Anyway, I think I've pretty much exhausted my feelings about the possibility of BJ and I adopting.  I don't think it's right for me.  At least not now, not with all of this uncertainty hanging over my head about it.  We looked at a couple of agency sites last night.  I was shocked to learn that one agency has a sliding scale of placement fees based on income.  I don't get how they can do that to people.  If they can charge a $9,000 placement fee then why do they need to charge a $19,000 placement fee for couples that earn more money?  What a scam that place was.  I have made friends with a woman that rides the bus with me in the afternoons.  Her husband is a family lawyer.  I conjured up the bravery to ask her to ask her husband what his fees would be to represent us in an adoption.  That brought up a slew of other things that I'll have to get into on another post.  She said she'd ask him and then get back to me next week.

I guess I haven't fully nixed the idea of adoption, but I think I need to give it more time to settle in.  I think the fear of the unknown is overwhelming me right now.  I will continue to think about it and will gladly read more comments.  Like I said, you all have been really helpful and I appreciate every bit of input I can gather.  I am probably making this much more emotionally complicated than it needs to be so having you guys set me straight is very helpful.

Oh yeah, I'm 8dpo right now and we did our thing the night before I ovulated.  FF says I'm only 7dpo because of my slow rising temps, but I felt my ovary expelling an egg last Wednesday.  Man that hurts.  Maybe since I'm thinking so much about adoption, I'll actually end up pregnant.  Yeah, right.  That only works in the movies and on TV.  But a girl can hope, right?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Adoption Option

I'm not even sure where to start this post as I have not really put my thoughts in order, but I will try to muddle through coherently.

I've thought about adoption in the past.  I know it costs money, a lot of money in many cases (depending on what type of adoption road is chosen).  I know there is a waiting list as long as the Mississippi River for a newborn.  I know there are many hurdles to jump through to get the process going.  I know that sometimes, things go wrong.

I know all of these things in my head and it's very logical and straightforward.  I have always thought that one day I'd actually get pregnant and never need to think about another option.  Well, as you know that has not happened and now that I'm inching ever closer to my End Game, I'm starting to wonder what road I'm heading down.

To myself, I have thought that adoption may be expensive but that it might be possible.  I could ask my dad for some help (I think he'd be more inclined to help me adopt a baby than pay for more medical treatments that may not produce a fruitful outcome), I could borrow a little from my 401(k), we could sell some could work.  I have also thought, to myself, that I don't know if I'm up for all the hurdles we would have to jump through.  From what I understand it can be a paperwork nightmare that requires endless hours on the phone, on the Internet and basically running around like a chicken with my head cut off.  To myself, I have worried that BJ might not bond with a child that is not his own.  I don't know why I fear this, but it's there.  I also worry that the Little Guy would not bond as well with a child that had no blood ties to him.  He still doesn't quite understand that if I had a baby it would be his half sibling and not his step sibling...after all, it would be coming from his step mom, right?  That is the thinking of a 9-year old.  I have also worried about the future with an adopted child.  What if he/she doesn't bond with me/us?  What if he/she decides to go look for the birth parents?  What if he/she prefers the birth parents over me/us?  How would I handle that?  How would I handle an angry teenager asking me "why did you even adopt me?"  Would the child be picked on at school for being adopted and then become ashamed/resentful?  I'm jumping a little ahead here so let me get to the point where I take these thoughts and turn them into words in an actual conversation with my husband.

We were looking at the pictures of a newborn on one of the blogs I read.  I'm not going to say which one because it has turned into a very sad situation but has also caused some not so nice people to attack this blogger.  I was so happy looking at the pictures and I showed them to BJ and briefly told him the timeline of the adoption.  He said "I'd do that.  But it costs so much money."  My brain started really thinking this over.  We went to dinner on NYE and I brought it up by saying..."Would you really be able to bond with a child that wasn't your that was adopted?"  He promptly answered with an emphatic "yes, it would be MY kid, OUR kid."  I brought up some of my fears and he didn't know what we would do in some of those situations either, but he said we could figure it out.  Then the blogger's birth parents decided to parent the child.  I told BJ and he said, "that'd be our luck" along with some other colorful language.  Then came the negative comments on the blog.  And then I made the mistake of clicking over to one of the blogs.

There on the page in front of me was a very angry adoptee.  And she had many angry adoptee followers.  I read a few posts and was just floored.  I've known a few adoptees in my life and never got the feeling that they were angry about being adopted, but now I wonder.  And I wonder if the majority of adoptees feel this way?  And I wonder if my adopted child would feel this way?  There is a very strong case for these feelings.  An adopted child may never feel like they fit in with their family.  They may always feel like they should be somewhere else, living a different life.  The adopted child could end up bitter and angry like this blogger and her fellow bloggers and followers, and that is a tragedy.

I know that adoption saves many children from very bad situations.  I don't disagree with adoption.  This is just one of the many things I fear about adoption.  Like I said, I've known a few adoptees and they are living just fine lives and are pretty glad that they were raised in a house with drug free parents instead of in a cardboard box on the street being traded for drugs.  I think parents that decide to give their children up are brave and strong and don't do so because an adoption agency tells them to...they do it because they believe they cannot provide a good enough life.  Sometimes this might backfire.  However, I believe in my heart that most families that adopt children give them a good life and a lot of love.  And I know that people looking to adopt are not setting out to steal children from their birth parents.  Most adoptive families want children to love, children they can spoil, children they can make smile, children they can show the world to.  That's what parenthood is.  I want to be a parent.  It is not a right but a privilege to be a parent.  My body has taken my privilege from me and so I have been thinking of another way to become a parent.

I don't know if the adoption option will get pursued.  I'm scared shitless about all the implications that adoption can have on parents and children.  I'm scared of screwing up the life of an adopted child that would rather be with his/her birth parents.  I was really starting to lean that way but now I'm not so sure.  My siblings and I are screwed up because our mother basically abandoned us (not as babies) because she thought she was doing "what was best for us because she couldn't take care of us".  Is that how adoptive children feel?  Do they feel that it doesn't matter if a parent can take care of you or not...they'd rather be with a parent that is living on the street than with an adoptive family?

I just don't know anymore.  I'm very confused about all of it.  And that's not to say that we definitely won't pursue adoption, but that I had been thinking of it and now I'm even more scared than I was before.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Old and the New

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch over the holiday season.  It was a tough time for me as well as a busy time and it's hard to find posting time at home.  I'm going to to give a quick recap of the end of last year and the beginning of this year.  Well, I say "quick' but ya'll know me...I blabber.  :-)
  • Christmas was great.  My husband spoiled me by getting me the new iPhone, an external hard drive and several scrapbooking items that were on my wish list.  He's the best.  I spoiled him by getting him 2 power tools, tinting his windows in his truck, a Winter Classic t-shirt and some other odds and ends.  The Little Guy was the most spoiled, of course.  He got lots of cool shirts (and yes, he liked them as they were 98% skater related), 4 video games and an electric guitar with lessons.  Oh, and a complete array of art supplies to try and encourage his creative side.  One guess of who got him the art supplies and who got him the video games.  :-)
  • Christmas sucked.  AF showed up first thing in the morning.  I knew she would.  She always knows how to ruin everything.
  • The Little Guy was supposed to attend basketball camp for a 1/2 day for 4 days while he was off school.  Of course, he wound up with a nasty head cold and was unable to go at all.  It put a damper on most of my plans but I adjusted and was able to get some of my errands done anyway.
  • I spent Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas taking everything down and putting it on the dining room table.  We took the outside decorations down on Saturday because it was the warmest day without rain or snow.  I had to buy some new storage bins to accommodate our decorations and then I packed everything away and took it to the basement.  It was kind of a cleansing feeling.
  • New Year's was pretty laid back.  I bought a new outfit and told BJ that he was taking me somewhere, anywhere so that I wasn't just sitting at home.  We finally decided to go to dinner locally and then go to the neighbor's house to hang out.  I really had wanted to go out and go dancing and stay at a hotel but it was just too expensive.  We did call ahead seating and upon arrival were told that we still had an hour wait.  Holy cow!  As it turns out, we only waited 23 minutes to be seated.  Awesome!  We had a really good dinner and I enjoyed a mixed drink.  :-)  We chilled at the restaurant because I didn't want to get to the neighbor's too early and be bored.  We were joined by another set of neighbors and we listened to iPod music and had the TV on but muted so we could watch for the ball to drop.  The guys played pool and darts.  We found some songs on the neighbor's iPod that we could dance to so the night wasn't a total bore for me.  :-)
  • We watched the Winter Classic on TV and I about had a coronary.  It had the feeling of a Stanley Cup Game 7 for me.  Of course, the outcome was fantastic!  My team played so good and I was so proud of them for rising to the occasion and showing that they can go to our rival's home turf and still come out with a win.
  • It was back to work Monday and things have been strange here to say the least.  My boss announced that she will be retiring this Spring.  I've worked for her for almost 11 years.  I'm going to be lost without her.  She's always been very understanding and allowed me what time I needed for anything from getting my hair done (taking a little longer at lunch) to adjusting my hours to attend the Little Guy's baseball games, to completely cheering me on during my fertility treatments.  She, herself, did many IUI's to conceive her 2nd child.  I don't know what the future holds but I hope I get another boss as understanding as she has been.
  • 2011 is a scary year for me and my reproductive future.  It's the year of my End Game.  It scares the hell out of me.  At the same time, though, I'm slowly coming to grips with it.  My 35th birthday is just over 5 months away.  If I have not conceived by then, we are done.  BJ has made a couple of comments lately about his age and not wanting to be a grandfather to his own child.  I worry about my eggs.  The Little Guy will be 10 in June.  All the pieces are coming together for me to put this chapter of my life behind me.  There has been a (surprising) couple of mentions of adoption in our house lately.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I have so many thoughts whirling around my head about it that I need to get them all on paper in their own post.

It seems that 2011 has brought many of the same emotions that I had in 2010.  So I guess it's not really out with the old and in with the new around here.  It's just more of the same.  I also need to write a post about my mother.  I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the story but I need to.  She called me out of the blue yesterday and I just don't know what to make of it all.

I loved reading about everyone's Christmas and now that I have my iPhone, I've been able to read more on my own time.  I'm still trying to figure out the easiest way to comment from my phone.  I've done it a few times but it can be a little cumbersome on some blogs.  I hope everyone has a great year this year, whether it's getting pregnant, giving birth, adopting or just living life with your new baby(ies).  I hope for nothing but happiness for you all and hearts full of joy.  That is what a new year and new beginning is all about, right?