Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Box of Goodies

I received my order of meds from Freedom yesterday. It was delivered in a small box...nothing like the size of the box when one is undergoing IVF treatments. After all, we are only suppressing my body and then building a lining. And then supporting a pregnancy! There’s no need for all the follicle stimulating drugs.

The one thing about this box of meds that has me on edge is that I will be doing PIO this time. As I was going through my IVFs I didn’t do those shots. I was on the 3 a day suppository protocol. However, since my body is not ovulating and creating any progesterone on its own, I have to do these shots. I’m really scared about it. The needles are huge. They are not just long but also very thick. It’s more like a trigger shot needle. I know it needs to be that long because it’s an intramuscular shot. I’m very intimidated by this process. Not only that, but BJ is really not keen on administering such a shot. The anxiety the man felt for our trigger shots was palpable, to say the least. I can only imagine how he’ll be knowing he has to shoot me up each day for possibly (HOPEFULLY) weeks. I guess I could do them myself if he opts out. I’ve read about plenty of women having to administer their PIO shots to themselves for any number of reasons so I think I could get by.

The other thing about the PIO protocol that scares the beegeezus out of me...the pain, bruising and lumps that are left behind afterward. I’ve never really heard anything good about PIO shots. Everything I read is bad, bad, bad. Some people use an ice pack first or after. Others use a warm compress before and/or after. Some people massage the area. Some people writhe in pain and suffer huge knots and lumps and bruises on their backsides. *sigh* Of course, I will do anything at this point to give any embryos a chance to survive and thrive...but I’m not too proud to admit that I’m scared of these shots on so many levels.

Another item in my box that caused me a little pause is my estrogen shots. They, too, have really long needles and are given intramuscularly. However, I’ve not heard anything really bad about any side effects or after effects of this injection. Plus, it’s only every 3 days...how cool is that?

The Lupron looked like a piece of cake after viewing the needles for the other injections. I remember the Lupron well...no real bad side effects that I can recall so I’m not worried. Although, I’m going to be on a higher dose this time. I’m going to be taking 20 units each morning and I’m pretty sure that is more than I took with my IVFs. I’m not very worried about the Lupron at this stage. I’ll just have to wait and see how it affects me.

Our consents have been signed and notarized and will be delivered to the clinic at my appointment tomorrow with Dr. M. I should make a list of any questions that I have but right now I can’t think of anything. I’m just hoping that nothing gets delayed and that everyone stays on track and that the donor remembers how important it is to take her meds like clockwork. She only has money riding on this...I have my future happiness at stake. Well, me and the other 2 recipients have that in common, don’t we?

I forgot that when I come off the bcp I’ll have another period so I guess I haven’t seen the last of AF just yet. She should be pretty light this time around since I’ll be on Lupron and have been on bcp for over 2 cycles now with no break this last cycle.

Ten days, people! Ten days until I start Lupron and the cycle officially begins for us! Please, oh please let everything stay on track!!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Getting Things Accomplished

BJ and I decided to take Friday off from work. We actually decided to do it before we saw the weather report. After we saw the weather report we were very excited to have off on Friday. The forecast was for sunny skies and 80-85!! The actual weekend was scheduled to be rainy and cool and just blah. We knew we wanted to get out in the yard and get some plants in the ground and cut the grass and fertilize and change the oil in the mower...all good Spring-time activities.

We dropped the LG off at school and ran our errands of getting a new weed trimmer, plants, mulch and fertilizer. As soon as we got home we started working. We worked outside for 5 hours, people. It was great because even though we were working hard we barely broke a sweat...no humidity this early in the season!

I did most of the labor work while BJ rode around on his mower but he did help me install the new edging around the mailbox. I planted 4 pansies, 9 petunias and 3 baby daffodils. I also raked up our mulch and spread new mulch down in both of our little gardens. We were beat at the end of the day. If you aren’t familiar with our region of the US, we do not really have dirt. We have clay. Digging holes in clay is a pain in the butt. It’s wet (since it doesn’t drain well) and heavy and sticky and clumpy. I know I could sell some of it to art studios so they could make great sculptures.

It felt so good to get all of that done before the nasty weather came in. When we woke up Saturday morning we were both really sore. Remember when I said that digging was a pain in the butt? I meant that literally. My glute muscles were so sore...oh my gosh! It hurt to walk and to sit. I’m sure all the squatting up and down helped to wear these muscles out, too. BJ said that maybe I needed to start doing some lunges if that little bit of work wore my butt out. Hmph. I’ll show him some lunges.

We didn’t do much on Saturday but on Sunday we hung up all of the LG’s 8x10 school pictures from Kindergarten to this year and 4 of his sports pictures in the office. It looks like the office of a family now and not just a room in a house. I’m so proud of us for finally getting that done. Now I just need to make a collage of family and wedding photos for the other wall and that room will be complete. Whew!

We are getting our consent forms signed and notarized this evening, too. I’m excited to have those completed forms in hand. I had to move my appointment with Dr. M up because I have to meet with him before I go in for my Lupron evaluation. The only thing they have available is this Wednesday at 2:00. I’ll have to use a half day of sick leave to make this appointment. I’m excited, though, so it’s not that big of a deal. And when I looked over the calendar I noted that I will begin Lupron injections on April 6! That’s only 11 days away!! Looking at it like that makes moving the ER much more bearable. AND my meds are supposed to be delivered today! I can’t wait to get that box.

So things are getting accomplished in TeeJay-land. Little by little and bit by bit we are achieving success. Let’s hope it carries over in this whole baby makin’ process.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

So Much For That...

I was so excited to get my consent forms and my calendar in the mail yesterday. And to top it off my meds have been ordered and will be delivered Monday!! All very exciting stuff. I should have known it was not going to be smooth sailing.

I received an e-mail from my donor coordinator this morning that my donor has a conflict with the dates and we will be pushing everything back by approximately a week. Seriously? The spoiled, selfish, bitter infertile that lives inside me is really pissed about this change of events. As soon as the ride gets going we have slam on the brakes. I don’t know why things just can’t go as planned around here. BJ is having a pretty bad day so I haven’t even told him yet. He’s such a negative nelly that I don’t need to hear anything out of him about this.

I’ve waited almost 11 years so what’s another week, right? Hmph. I’m TIRED OF WAITING. I’m tired of getting my hopes up about something only to be smashed down again. I know it’s only a week (or so) but good grief! I know I don’t have any room to be bitching right now. A very nice young lady is going through a lot to donate her eggs so that we may have a chance at having a baby. I GET that. However, I think I’m entitled to be little miffed that we are being delayed. Maybe I don’t have that right, I don’t know.

All I know is that now retrieval is tentatively set for May 2. Fingers crossed that we don’t get delayed anymore. Thanks for letting me vent...even if it might be unwarranted.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

True Understanding

About a month ago my step-mom sent me a box of old pictures. She had been going through their pictures and my grandmother’s pictures and decided that she wanted to send me some so that I can have them and do with them what I want. She knows about my love of scrapping and thought I might want to make something out of them.

In the box were pictures of my grandparents when they were still married, my dad and aunt when they were little, my grandmother as a young woman...I love these old pictures. There were pictures of me when I was probably 3 or 4 that I had never seen before. I had no idea that I went ice skating with my aunt and grandmother, however, the pictures don’t lie. There were also plenty of pictures of events that I do remember from when I was very little. I showed BJ and the LG many of these pictures and of course so many of them garnered laughs and sneers at my hair and clothes. Rightfully so, I might add. And then I came upon two pictures that made me stop and think about what I am giving up using donor eggs to have a child.

The first picture was a picture of my dad when he was maybe 4 or 5. It was black and white and he was smiling. The next picture I looked at was a picture of me when I was about 3 or 4. I looked exactly like my dad except with different hair. I covered up the hair on both pictures and showed it to BJ. He agreed that we looked alike and went about watching TV. He had no idea the feelings that this sparked in me. Not feelings of regret, not at all. I’m 100% sure that I’m doing the right thing and I feel so hopeful that we will have a child of our own. These were feelings of grief for realizing exactly what my body has failed to do. My body has failed my future child of being able to look back at old pictures and say things like, “mom, I look just like you!” It was such a great feeling to see how much I looked like my dad. Especially since I am now the spitting image of my mother. I know that the child will be genetically linked to BJ so I’m sure there will be resemblances there. And I know that I must sound very vain and ungrateful for this opportunity to make my dreams come true...trust me, I’m not. I’m not vain nor am I ungrateful. I can’t wait to get started with this cycle and I am hoping with everything I have that this works for us. I want to be pregnant again and I want to bring a baby into our home. I want to be a mother. I’m more than ready to be a mother.

I want to be honest here and I want to let people know that this is not easy. Choosing to use donor eggs was just as big of a decision for us as adoption is for other couples. It’s hard to give up on one’s own body. There’s a grieving process to go through. I first had to grieve the loss of my pregnancy and then I had to grieve the loss of being able to try again. Now I’m grieving a different kind of loss, the loss of a genetic family link. I’m not sad about the child not having my eyes or my hair color. Those things don’t mean anything to me. I’m sad that I’m the last in our family line and I can’t carry our heritage on. I’m actually glad that I won’t be passing certain aspects of my physical appearance on. I don’t know if I’m putting this into words well enough. Looking at those old pictures was an emotional high for me. I realized that my child might not have those same feelings and that made me sad. I hope that BJ’s genes come through nice and strong so that our child can have those feelings when he/she sees him/herself in BJ’s childhood photos.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself with believing that we will have a child but I’m so hopeful. As soon as I received those dates yesterday I figured out a due date...probably not the healthiest thing to do but I did it. I want this to work so badly I can taste it. That does not mean that this process is without challenges, though. Donor eggs are not an easy decision, not a quick fix. It’s just as much of a roller coaster ride as other infertility treatments. We are just at the beginning of our ride. I know there is much more to come but I’m ready to face it head on. I fully understand what I have given up and I’m ok with it. There’s more to life and family than who we look like. Those old photos sparked a new understanding in me and in this process. It made me sad but not for myself, for my future child. It means that I am going to have to work extra hard to let him/her know that it doesn’t matter if we look alike, what matters is that we are a family. Family is forever.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Dates! We Have Dates!

That’s right, ladies...I have a tentative date for ER. I mean, it’s only been almost a month since our match was completed (at lightning speed), right? I received an e-mail from my nurse this morning with a few details. She has consent forms to send me. I need to make an appointment with Dr. M. Retrieval is tentatively set for April 26 with transfer schedule for either 4/29 or 5/1. She needs to order my meds and would like to know where to get them from. Yay for progress! I made my appointment with Dr. M for 4/18. I was worried that something was wrong but this is just standard procedure so that made me feel better. She’ll order my meds from Freedom and they are usually very good so hopefully I’ll hear from them later today or tomorrow to set up delivery. I realize that things can change but it’s really comforting to know that we are finally moving forward.

The only bad thing is that the delestrogen injection is pretty expensive. You would think that after paying $29,000 (plus all the other money we spent over the years) that my medications would be included. Not so much. I have very good insurance and they have covered all of my meds to date. The most I’ve had to pay for any one medication is $15. I’m very lucky and I know that. But given the cost of these treatments I don’t understand why we still have to pay out of pocket for things. My insurance doesn’t cover delestrogen but should cover everything else like they have in the past. I don’t know how much it’s going to cost yet as the internet has listed several different strengths but they are all over $100. I don’t like it but will pay it, of course. I’m just thankful to have this opportunity, really.

So we are moving in the right direction. BJ and I were just talking last night about how we feel this process is dragging out. He actually said that they were just going to take our money and not do anything. He’s the pessimist around the house. When he calls me today I can fill him in and I’m sure he’ll wonder why it isn’t happening next week. *sigh* My husband, the poster child for impatience.

I was planning on posting something else today but it will have to wait since I used my free time to write this post. :-)

Friday, March 16, 2012

Happiness Is...

Happiness Is...

- Gazing at the early Spring trees and all their pretty blooms. Commuting is not as bad when there is something nice to look at. Up and down the highway and up on Capitol Hill, all the early blooming trees are white and pink and purple and then there’s the green ones with the red berry things...so pretty.

- Having a sort of “me” week. I bought a new every-day purse (for the first time in about 4 or 5 years) on Monday. On Tuesday I got my hair cut and yesterday I got a pedicure. It’s not very often that I do that many things for myself in such a short amount of time. It feels good.

- Wearing sandals and not freezing! Since I got my first pedicure of the season yesterday I wore sandals and it feels GREAT! I love taking my socks and shoes off and letting my toes breath. And now they are pretty, too!

- Making a new blog-buddy. It’s hard to find women that are in just about the same place as me as far as the DE cycle goes but I have! Her name is Augusta and you should check her out. She just chose her donor and is waiting on a complete match as she is sharing her donor as well. Hop on over to her blog and wish her well.

- Getting an e-mail from my coordinating nurse telling me to skip my inactive BCP and start a new pack of active pills because the 3rd recipient is (finally) due to start her period this weekend! Yeah! I thought for sure that I’d have one more AF before we got started but it’s looking like I will be skipping right over her. How cool is that?

Friday, March 9, 2012

My 2 Cents

As many people know, there has been quite a stir this week in blogland relating to a new blogroll that was started. I haven’t said anything about it yet because I was unsure of my feelings but I’ve been reading post after post and comment after comment and just want to throw my own words into the mix.  And as always, I do not intend to offend anyone but this post might do that so I apologize in adavance.  And if you read my post from yesterday you'll understand why I'm feeling a little extra snarky.

When I first heard about the new group I had mixed feelings. I can see both sides:

I understand how some women feel that they cannot fully express all the ups and downs of pregnancy/parenting on their IF blogs. I can’t tell you how many times a blogger receives nasty comments or e-mails from bitter IF’s because they dared say that something about pregnancy or parenting is hard. Yes, we fight to get pregnant and we want that experience but that doesn’t mean it’s easy and fun all the time. Who really enjoys throwing up so much they have to take medicine or be hospitalized? Who can’t wait for the next painful bowel movement to aggravate their hemorrhoids? Who is excited about excessive hip and back pain that makes it difficult if not impossible to sleep or even walk without pain? And whoever thinks that parenting a newborn is all sunshine and roses is completely delusional, in my opinion. Yes, babies are great and I would give just about anything to have a newborn in my house right now. However, I’ve cared for newborns and it’s one of the most exhausting experiences I’ve ever had. When a couple becomes a family of 3 things change. People are tired and worn out and a lot of times this leads to marriage strains. Some people have “difficult” babies that cry a lot and don’t ever sleep and you know what? It’s ok to write about that without feeling like people are going to crucify you with phrases like “you asked for this” and “how dare you complain for one second about a crying baby or being tired?” The thing is, these bloggers get comments like that and it’s not fair. Just because they have fought tooth and nail to get that baby does not mean that they are not allowed to express themselves in a truthful and forthright manner on THEIR OWN BLOGS. I hope that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant that I am able to complain about feeling sick or any other pregnancy ailment that I might get on my blog that is my space. And it’s not so much complaining as it is stating the facts. Telling readers the truth about what is happening to their bodies during this time is a good thing. Anyone that thinks we are not allowed to be truthful on our blogs needs to reconsider why they read blogs in the first place. This new group of bloggers will not leave nasty comments if someone complains about lack of sleep. They will continue to support each other and give advice and all the good stuff that the ALI community is so wonderful at. They will understand each other more and bloggers will probably feel a bit more comfortable talking about the struggles of pregnancy and parenting and it will be OK to do so.

The other side of my feelings come from the IF me. The one that has been excluded from so many things over the last 11 years because I haven’t been able to have a baby. I’m not part of the mommy club. The creation of the new blogroll doesn’t explicitly say that I can’t join but the group is for IF’s that have graduated and are pregnant or are parenting. That in and of itself makes me jealous. But those are my own feelings. I know that this project was not created to make anyone feel badly about themselves or their own personal situation so I’m fine with it existing. The creation of this group comes from a good place. I know that there is already a blogroll that includes these types of blogs and I think everyone can agree that it is run very well. It’s probably one of the best displays of organization I’ve seen on the internet. However, I think this new blogroll is a little newer and fresher and has a little more spunk and that is probably pretty attractive to a lot of bloggers. It’s not attractive to those of us that are still struggling and suffering. It’s another example of a place that I just don’t belong. However, I’m adult enough to understand that just because my friends are doing it doesn’t mean that I get to do it. My parents raised me with that mentality. There ARE things in life that I can’t do, groups I can’t join, songs I can’t sing, sports I can’t play...that doesn’t mean that these things are bad or that they shouldn’t exist. It is hard to hear all the excitement surrounding it knowing that I can’t be a part of it, but that’s life. As MANY of us know, live is not fair and a lot of the times it just plain sucks. So I put on my big girl panties and I accept it. I say good for them...maybe one day I’ll be one of them and I’ll be able to join the club and talk about pregnancy and parenting after infertility. Until then...let them eat cake.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Who AM I??

I am seriously having a hard time with these bcp. It’s not like they are high dose or anything but man, oh man. I have to try really hard not to completely lose my cool most of the day. I have found myself responding to e-mails out loud at work...and not in a nice way. Thankfully no one has heard me yet. I’m calling people very nasty names under my breath. If I’m holding something when I start to get agitated I have to tell myself not to throw it. I want to throw it at the wall or at the face of the person ticking me off.

It’s all these little things that are just getting to me. I have to stop myself from speaking at home sometimes because I know that what I want to say is completely out of line and not warranted. I’ve been clenching my teeth to keep from spewing venom at my husband and the Little Guy. Granted, they annoy me at times but lately almost everything they do makes me crazy.

I seem to always have a chip on my shoulder. My eyes have been rolling so much lately that I’m surprised they haven’t gotten stuck that way. When I’m at the store (any store) I want to push people out of my way that aren’t walking fast enough. And don’t even get me started on the people that seem to always be standing in front of the product I want to get off the shelf. Ugh.

I don’t like feeling this way. I told BJ that these pills are making me a rage filled monster. He didn’t take me very seriously. I told him that I feel like punching someone in the face at least 3 times a day. He didn’t seem alarmed. I can’t even explain this behavior to him well enough for him to understand. I think he’d be really hurt/angry if he knew how much I sometimes just wanted to tell him to stop talking because I couldn’t stand the sound of his voice anymore. *sigh* I don’t mean it but I can’t help but feel it sometimes.

I hope things get rolling soon and I can come off of these evil pills. I know I’ll be starting Lupron soon but in the past (knock on wood) I haven’t really had too many problems with that drug. I pray that is the case this time, too. I also hope that when (please, oh PLEASE) I get pregnant that my hormones level out and the anger goes away. I’ll take being weepy any day of the week over wanting to punch people in the face all the time.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Living Vicariously

Back in the day...many, many years ago when I first started TTC, I couldn’t get enough of all things “baby”. I watched A Baby Story, Birth Stories, Maternity Ward, I read pregnancy journals online (the very first blogs!), I joined TTC message boards, I browsed the baby section in stores, I searched the web constantly for nursery ideas...I was all consumed. It was fun. I was full of hopes and dreams and I was sure I would get pregnant the very next cycle. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t wait to start my own pregnancy journal and was just so excited to experience all of what those women were going through. And then the years dragged on. My (then) SIL started popping out kids like a Pez dispenser, my sister got knocked up accidentally and my brother’s girlfriend did the same. Ladies at work were having kids. Life was passing me by. My marriage fell apart and no sooner did the ex hook up with someone, she got knocked up. It seemed hopeless to say the least.

For so long I lived vicariously through everyone else’s pregnancies and births. It got to a point where I wanted nothing to do with anything “baby”. I turned bitter and angry and just generally became depressed about it. At one point I became very numb to it all. I let it all ride off me like rain on an oiled roof. Yes, it still bothered me. Yes, I still cried from time to time. Yes, it was like a punch in the face when I heard yet another woman in my neighborhood was pregnant. It has not been an easy road.

Shortly after BJ and I decided to go down the DE road a girl in my office announced her pregnancy. I’m not sure if I posted about it but I told her that I sort of had a feeling...I told her that I have pregdar. Since then, she has gravitated toward me with regard to talking about pregnancy related matters. She talks to me about her sickness, her food aversions, the fact that she and her husband need a new “safe” car for the baby, nursery decorations, sonograms and so forth. She was so excited for her anatomy scan yesterday that she practically burst into my cubicle before and after the appointment. She’s having a girl. She is beyond excited. We’ve talked about things you are not allowed to eat when pregnant. We’ve talked about how invasive it feels to have co-workers touch her stomach unsolicited. I gave her some advice about announcing the baby’s name, once they have decided upon it. She’s so excited to go register this weekend. *sigh*

I find myself getting sucked in. This girl is not a “friend”, we barely know each other. We worked on our department’s gingerbread house for the competition at our holiday party together (which we won first place!!) and since then we have talked much more. She’s very sweet and I like her. Since the whole pregnancy announcement we’ve talked a LOT, especially about baby/pregnancy related stuff. When I talk to her I’m filled with hope and excitement. I’m filled with dreams of experiencing the things she is going through right now. I want to compare notes with her. I want to say things like “Well hopefully soon I will be getting sick, too!” or “I’m going to have a really hard time giving up my Subway turkey sandwich that I love so much!” I have not said any of these things but I have come close. It scares me. It scares me that I’m filled with that much hope. I find that I’m living vicariously through her and that really scares me. I have actually gone to the DE board that I found searching for failure stories to bring myself back to reality. What a harmful thing to do to myself. I should have hope and I should not punish myself for having that hope, but I feel like I need to.

This might not work. I’ve read plenty of stories where women have failed multiple DE cycles...like 4 or 5 failures. I am trying to keep my wits about me but I keep getting sucked into the excitement and the hope. When I read those stories of failures I get even more scared. I’m terrified of going back to that place of darkness that I spent the most of last year in. I think I have had too long to think about this. BJ and I made the decision to pursue this form of treatment on January 3...it’s been over 2 months and I’m still waiting to move forward. I guess we have made some progress but it’s been slow and not at all like doing an IVF where things start to move quickly and before you know it you are having embryos transferred into your uterus. My coordinator got back to me and told me that we are waiting on the last recipient to get her period and then she can start the bcp. The rest of us are already on the pill. My financial coordinator finally called me back (it only took 2 voicemails) and said that she mailed my donor contract yesterday along with my invoice for the remaining balance that is due by 3/22. So we have made progress, it’s just hard to gauge right now since all I’m doing is taking a pill and some vitamins. I’m not complaining, I know how fortunate we are to even be in this position right now. I’m just trying to get used to how slow this process is compared to my other treatments. And I also know that I over think things if I’m given too much time.

So that is where I am. I’m living vicariously through the overjoyed pregnant girl in my office as well as the completely devastated women on the DE board. I sure hope I get to make the transition into real life living as a pregnant girl and not as a continued bitter infertile. As always, thanks for letting me come here and voice my worries and my thoughts, no matter how crazy or irrational they seem. I love having this space to work things out in my head.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Happiness Is...

I haven’t done one of these posts in forever and since I am just playing the waiting game these days I need to force myself to focus on other positive things going on in my life. So here goes...

- My knockout roses are showing signs of life. I love these rose bushes. I have 2 of them on either side of my porch steps and they have a history of growing really big and full and having tons of blooms all through Summer. I noticed the little “sprigs” last weekend. Yay for Spring!

- The Little Guy starting baseball! He just finished up basketball where he did so much better than last year and we are heading straight into baseball. He has a 2-day camp coming up and then tryouts are on 3/17. Can’t wait to use my new camera to get pictures of him hitting the ball and running!

- Warmer weather taking over. Aside from yesterday and today our temperatures are steadily climbing day by day. I love Spring, it’s just a preview of great things to come with sunshine and flowers and green trees...I can’t wait.

- Getting back in the gym. I fell off the wagon and it traveled 100 miles without me but it has circled back around and it took all I had but I climbed back on. I’m just about to go down to the gym now and do my daily 25 minute walk. It feels good to be doing something even if it’s not really for weight loss.

- Hearing from my mom. She’s alive and still has a roof over her head and that is reassuring. It’s not an ideal situation, but she’s ok and that’s what matters to me. I haven’t heard from her since September so the surprise phone call last week put my mind at ease.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Fear, Foreshadowing or Forget About It?

I dream a lot. I remember a lot about my dreams. Often times a dream will stay with me for hours after I wake up. BJ wonders how I can remember the details that I do because he barely remembers anything from his dreams. Some of my dreams are very scary while others are just strange and still more are pretty mundane. There have been plenty of instances over the years that I have been TTC that I’ve had dreams about being pregnant, giving birth or getting a positive pee stick. The one where I gave birth was probably my most vivid dream during this journey, until last night. My last IVF cycle yielded a dream about a positive pee stick and lo and behold it happened almost exactly like the dream.

As some of you may remember, I have had my issues and concerns with my Faith and TTC and seeking treatments for IF. I’ve struggled with coming to terms with what might be God’s plan and what choices I make of my own free will. I’ve always felt that I was meant to be a mother one day and so I kept pressing forward because I figured that God would not want me to give up just because the road was hard. With our last IVF I really felt that it was going to work and that I was going to succeed and that God had just wanted me to try a little harder to achieve my heart’s desire. I was right, it worked...and then it was gone. I sort of felt like I was not so much being punished for my choice to pursue further treatments but suffering the consequences of doing so. I felt like maybe God never intended for me to carry a child and so He let me learn a lesson, so to speak, for going against His wishes. It was a tough time for me and my Faith to say the least. We are now trying again with donor eggs. I feel that maybe this time, with further financial and material sacrifice (along with genetic sacrifice) that God will let this happen. I feel that He will see how much I’m willing to give up in order to become a mother and He will answer my prayers with a child. Or will He? I guess that is still up for debate. However, my dream last night has got me thinking...what if I have to suffer another “consequence” for pushing too hard? What will my consequence be this time for going against God’s ultimate plan, if that’s what we’re doing? I don’t feel like I’m going against Him. I feel like I have this opportunity for a true flesh and blood miracle and I’m embracing it with every fiber of my being so how can that be wrong? I hope the dream I had was not a foreshadowing of tragedies to come. I’m hoping that it was just my own fears taking over my mind. Or maybe it means absolutely nothing at all...here is what I dreamed:

I was pregnant at work. I had a belly so I was far enough along to show. I remember rubbing my stomach and smiling and just feeling happy. Then, it felt like something was wrong. I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I started to panic. I went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of bright red blood in my underwear. Then when I looked between my legs I saw my baby’s head starting to come out. I panicked even more and gently pushed the head back up. I then walked very slowly and carefully back to my desk. I told someone what was happening and I remember telling them that it’s just too early. I remember freaking out that I couldn’t figure out how far along I was. I was searching my calendar trying to determine what week I was in. As I was doing this, I remember shouting in my head “please let my baby be ok...please let him just be a little early and ok...please don’t let him suffer any side effects from being so premature”, I just kept repeating this over and over. I was looking at the calendar and was confused as to whether I was in my “teen” weeks or late in my “twenties”. I knew that if I was late in my twenties that he’d most likely be ok but just small and underweight. And then I thought about what it would mean if I were in my “teen” weeks....the dread than ran through me cannot even be put into words. And then I woke up. I was so glad to wake up. I didn’t want that dream to continue on for one second more.

Another thought....maybe I’m still feeling so badly for my friend Mo and her recent loss that my mind is just preoccupied with tragedy. I don’t know. I just know that I hope it was not a glimpse of the future. I wish to never feel that way again.

And in case anyone is wondering, I have not gotten a call from my coordinator yet. She told me I’d hear from her by the end of the week and it’s now Monday. I guess I need to send an e-mail and then follow up with a phone call of my own. She should know something by now don’t you think?