Baby Girl's Birth Story - part one

The cervix ripening gel did not work.  My doctor checked me Tuesday (1/29) and I was still long and closed...not one centimeter dilated and baby girl was still floating around way up high.  Our induction was scheduled for Wednesday which meant that I was to report to L&D Tuesday night for the Cervidil to get things started.  I was bummed but excited at the same time.  There was going to be a baby, one way or another, on Wednesday.

We spent Tuesday evening at home and were visited by my SIL and her 3 kids a little while before we left for the hospital.  We had french bread pizzas for dinner and I had baked a chocolate candy crunch pie for dessert.  It was SO good.  I made a couple of phone calls as the evening dragged.  The Little Guy had been adamant that he wanted to be at the hospital when his "only sister was being born" but since births are very unscripted we promised that he'd be there as soon as he could.  He was so worried about his little sister and he just wanted her to be ok...just like the rest of us.  He was with his mom and had basketball practice that night.  I asked her to bring him to the hospital for a quick visit once we were checked in.  It was nice of her to do that for us.

We checked in and I was hooked up to everything.  It all felt very surreal, like I was watching someone else go through it.  A tech came in to start my IV line in case I needed it later.  I could tell by talking to her and looking at her that she didn't know what she was doing.  Since my left wrist hurt so bad and I wanted to wear my brace I asked her to stick me in my right arm.  She searched for a vein...and searched...and searched.  Mind you, since becoming pregnant, finding veins had not been a problem for anyone.  She found one and stuck me...and turned the needle and twisted the needle until finally she said she had it.  Then she said she blew my vein and pulled the needle out.  Lovely.  She left the room to get more supplies.  When she came back she didn't try to find a vein in my arm or wrist...she went straight for my left hand.  If someone is in labor and experiences contractions and needs to push a baby out, why would you hinder her hand that she'll need to either grip a bed or someone else's hand by putting an IV line in it???  She stuck it in and got it right away.  When she went to pinch it off and cap it, blood went everywhere!  It was all over my hand and my bed.  She was something else.  She got me cleaned up and changed my sheet and left.  Then she was back.  She had misplaced her scanner.  She came back 2 more times looking for it because she couldn't remember where she had left it.  This visit did not get off to a good start.

The Little Guy and his mother came by around 8:00.  They didn't stay long.  We chatted and took a couple of pictures to commemorate our last night as a family of 3.  We promised he'd know about the birth as soon as we could tell him.

My doctor came by around 8:30 to administer the gel insert.  I wish she would have prepared me for how much it was going to hurt.  I've had hands and instruments up my hoo ha but this procedure took the cake.  Oh my gosh...it felt like she was inserting a rusty razor blade up there.  You would think that they would make those things a little more aerodynamic for the hole in which they are going.  OUCH.  BJ was watching me writhe in pain and confessed later that it was really hard for him to see that and not tell the doctor to quit hurting his wife.  So sweet.

BJ and I were both exhausted so it was time to settle in for the night, as best we could.  There were 3 chairs on the right side of my bed for him to sleep in.  He maneuvered the first into a lounging position but was not very comfortable at all.  He decided to try the second chair but first he had to figure out how to get the first chair back into a chair.  The second chair was better but very noisy to lay on and still pretty uncomfortable.  It was on to the third chair...after figuring out how to get the second chair back in place.  The third chair was the winner!  However, it took up so much room he had to get the other 2 out of the way before he could actually lay down.  This chair adventure took about an hour!  It was comical to watch it all unfold (great pun).

My contractions started to get stronger around 12:30.  They were coming at about 4 to 10 minutes apart.  BJ was trying to sleep and I was trying to breath through the pain and practice for when the real thing started.  I had to get up to pee several times and that was very interesting.  I had to be very careful not to pull the string and to keep it out of the way while I relieved myself.  That was not very easy.  My belly was really big and I had a hard time just wiping myself, let alone fishing around for a string to move to the side.  But I managed.  Getting back in bed was tricky, too.  I was so afraid of snagging that damn string.

The night was full of sleep in about 10 minute intervals.  I was afraid to move too much because at times I couldn't hear baby girl on the monitor and I was afraid of the string and I didn't want to wake BJ up because he actually fell asleep.  More importantly, the contractions had moved into my back.    I knew that pretty much meant she was facing the wrong way and that I'd most likely be in for a very painful labor.  The pain was pretty severe at times and I had a hard time breathing through the contractions.  I put my own arm behind me and applied pressure to my lower back and that helped a little but was so uncomfortable I wasn't able to maintain that position for very long.

Finally the morning arrived.  My contractions were closer together and still pretty strong.  I decided that I wasn't a wimp after looking at the print out and seeing how they spiked all the way to the top of the chart.  BJ went to get some coffee and find out when I'd be checked for progress.  We were very hopeful and pretty confident that things had progressed nicely and that I'd be starting pitocin very soon.  Nurse Bernie (I really liked her) came in and said that she'd be doing the checking very shortly.  Yay!!  She looked at the print out and was impressed with what she saw so I felt even better.  We were going to DO this!

The moment of truth...she was prepping to pull the insert out and we were making small talk about the baby and then we told her about our fears regarding her head and Bernie said that not too much should be made about those ultra sounds sometimes.  The insert coming out was pain free!  Then she reached way up in my lady parts and shook her head.  BJ and I held our breath.  She said there was no progress.  She couldn't even get the tip of her pinky in my cervix.  My heart sank and the tears came.  Again my body had failed me.  I couldn't even speak.  BJ told Bernie how disappointed I was.  Bernie was great, though.  She kept everything upbeat and told me on several occasions that c-sections really are the safest way to have babies.  It didn't matter at the time.  I was crushed.  I knew I was headed for major surgery with a long and restricted recovery.  I was so excited to meet my little girl but I knew they'd take her from me right after she was born.  It meant not holding her as soon as she came out.  It meant her going to the nursery without me getting to see them clean her.  It meant no skin to skin contact right after birth.  It meant only hearing her first cries and not actually seeing her little face.  It was probably the biggest disappointment I had felt in a very long time.

My doctor came by to reassure me that everything would be fine and to let me know that we'd be going in for surgery at 10:45.  That meant that in 2 hours I'd be meeting my little girl...my daughter.  I was very excited and couldn't wait but at the same time scared shitless.  Scared of the surgery and scared for baby girl.  I was exhilarated but deflated all at the same time.  It felt like everything was happening to someone else and I, again, was watching from the outside.

I posted on FB and made a couple of calls.  BJ called his sister and she said she'd be right up.  We made small talk for a few minutes but then things started happening pretty quickly.  Nurse Bernie came in and hooked up my drip line (remember the fiasco of getting the line inserted?) and started running down a list of things that were about to happen...IV antibiotics, anesthesiologist visit, compression legs, cap and gown for BJ, etc.  BJ's sister arrived and tried to lighten the mood.  Yes, I was excited, so very excited, but so very disappointed and full of fear.  I had never had surgery before (just my wisdom teeth out and that didn't go smoothly) and she tried to explain it as she has had 3 c-sections.  She kept saying that her first was born via c-section and it was a good thing because she had complications that could have cost them both their lives if she had delivered vaginally.  Her theory was that this was happening for a reason.  And I said, "well, if that's true then something is wrong so that is not very reassuring to hear right now."  And again I was in tears.  The fear of the unknown (and knowing they would take her from me) was the worst part of all of this.  That and the fact that I was still having contractions from the gel.

Nurse Bernie came back and wondered why my fluids were not dripping properly.  You have one guess as to why.  The incompetent lady from the night before screwed it up...are you surprised?  I wasn't.  Nurse Bernie had to re-do her line in my other arm making for a total of 3 lines in about 12 hours.  The anesthesiologist came in and we chatted about the usual stuff and I was put in my sexy compression sock things and given a hair cap to wear.  In the mean time, BJ was fumbling around trying to get his booties over his boots and cursing himself for not wearing tennis shoes.  He was given a bigger pair but they were still not fitting.  He was so aggravated that he was stressing me out even more.  He hadn't eaten, even though he was told to by the nurses, so that made him more cranky.  I told him to eat something, even a candy bar, so that he didn't fall out in the OR because I NEEDED him now more than ever.  He obliged.  :-)  We took a few pictures and by that time it was time to go.  I was expecting to be wheeled to the OR in my bed but I was instructed to walk there.  Our room was right next to the OR so it only took a few seconds.  I kissed BJ good-bye and told him that I loved him and that it was going to be ok...although I wasn't sure of that but I needed to say it.  Then I turned my back, grabbed my pole of fluids, closed the back of my gown with my other hand and walked into the room that my daughter would be born in.

My, How Things Can Change

I have a lot to say so this will be a bit long.  First and foremost, Baby Girl is here and she is amazing (and seemingly fine).  I'll get to all of that but I want to catch you all up on the events leading up to her birth.  The last you heard from me I was 39 weeks and had made no progress.

At our scan on 12/31 I noticed that BG's head (the top view) looked a little narrow but no one said anything to me so I didn't think about it again.  I went in for my regular weekly appointment and my OB didn't mention any issues.  At our second weight scan I again thought her head was a little narrow but the tech didn't say anything and no one came in to tell us of any problems so I didn't even bring it up.  These scans were done locally in our county, by the way.  My first cervix ripening appointment (that was to happen after my OB appointment) got cancelled because there were actual women in labor that needed the rooms so BJ had taken off work for nothing.  That really bummed us out.  However, I still had my OB appointment.  I told BJ he didn't need to come with me now since we weren't doing the gel.  I was so hopeful for some progress at this point.  I was just so excited to get labor going and to meet our little girl.  My doctor came in and right away I knew something was wrong.  She was very business like and started telling me that my baby's head was too small for her body and she noted on the u/s report that her measurements were less than 73% and they should be much higher.  She was worried about the baby not being able to start labor because of such a small head...which STILL had not dropped into my pelvis.  I was high and closed with no progress in sight.  She ordered a NST right away.  I asked why no one told us this at our last scan which was 3 weeks prior to this one.  She looked back in my file and basically had no answer for me.  I was devastated.  The name for what they said our baby had was mild dolichocephaly.  Basically, it meant that the open portions of her skull had grown shut prematurely.  My mind was swirling around and I was all alone.  One day before our due date and we find out that something could be very wrong with our child.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  I had to report to L&D right away for my NST.  I called BJ from the hallway and he answered with "do you have good news for me?", hoping that I had dilated.  I held back tears and told him that I had bad news for him and quickly tried to explain what I didn't even understand.  He said he was coming up to the hospital to be with me.  I was glad he was on his way.  While I waited to be checked in at L&D I stupidly used my phone to google.  There wasn't much time to really look things up but what I found was very disturbing.  I was beside myself with fear.  I was mad at my body for letting me down again.  I had gotten over some of my anger at myself because I had carried to term with no issues or complications and now THIS happened.  When BJ came into the room we sat together and I tried to hold off the tears.  I apologized to him over and over again.  He said I had nothing to be sorry about.  I felt differently.  I told him that if I had not been hell bent on having a baby that we wouldn't be facing this terrible diagnosis for our child.  He would hear none of it.  He was great.  Baby Girl passed the NST, which I knew she would...she moved all the time.  We were sent on our way with another appointment for the gel ripening Monday night and another OB check on Tuesday.

We didn't know what to do with ourselves.  We googled and then got frustrated because we couldn't really find anything that helped us understand what was happening.  All of our happiness and joy and wonderful anticipation had now turned into the ultimate stress situation filled with worry and fear.  We told very few people what was happening and asked for prayers.  We tried to find information on this condition and what the severity of her situation was but there isn't much out there.  And what is out there isn't very helpful.  Usually preemies and breech babies are afflicted with this condition, she was neither of those things.  She'd been head down forever.  BJ stayed home with me the next day and we both sat under a dark cloud.  We talked about how much we loved this little baby and how we wanted her to come out, not only because we were ready but now we wanted to take care of her and "fix" her if we could.  With her being inside there wasn't much we could do.  The web suggested skull surgery to give the head a more round shape and the thought of that terrified us.  Poor BJ learned of the Little Guy's heart problem 2 days after his birth and then had to schedule open heart surgery when he was only 6 weeks old.  It seemed so unfair that now we were having another child with a health crises.  All we wanted was to hold and love our baby girl.  We felt so helpless.

On Friday, I decided to be a bit more proactive.  I contacted the ped office that we intended to take baby girl to and set up a meet and greet.  I picked up her u/s pictures and report and headed to the meeting.  I looked over the report and was even more disturbed.  Of all the measurements they took, only her femur measured on target.  Her head measured almost 4 weeks behind and her abdomen was measuring 2+ weeks behind.  They had her weighing 7 pounds and 8 ounces and said that her weight was only the 36th percentile and that she did not show appropriate growth from the last scan.  How could this be?  I was so angry that no one told us any of this before.  I would have been able to get an appointment with the MFM that did our 12 and 20 week scans.  I trusted them much more than I trusted these local yahoos.  It was too late for that.  I met with her pediatrician that afternoon and brought the report and the u/s pictures with me.  He seemed stumped by the diagnosis and didn't really have any insight for me.  Basically he told me to just wait and see.  What?  I knew more about it than he did from my online research.  He said he didn't see anything to really worry about (he didn't look at the pictures as he said he didn't know how to read them...hmmm) but that he'd also not had anyone come to him about this before.  Ok, I was basically on my own again.  There really was nothing to do but sit and wait and try to get her to come out.

It was a very long weekend indeed.  I was so uncomfortable and couldn't sleep and now most of my waking thoughts were about my little girl and how this would affect her.  I was due to see my OB again Monday afternoon if I didn't go into labor over the weekend.

I'm going to stop for now.  I only get a few minutes of time here and there and this post has taken me weeks to write.  Plus, I now have 2 bum wrists instead of just one.  Not sure what the deal is but I'm in constant pain and typing really makes it worse.  I will tell her birth story in my next post.  Like I said, she seems to be fine so there's no need to worry right now.  I will try to get another post up soon.  We just bought her a swing and that will hopefully help me to have 2 free hands for at least a little while during the day.

Thank you all for checking in with me and I'm very sorry for the delay in getting something up.  I'm also going through what I'm sure is mild PPD which I will write about later, too.  I have so much to say but not many free minutes.  I'm reading and following along with all of you and cheering for you and celebrating with you...I'm just quiet and busy.  Love to you all!

39 Weeks!

Again, I need to apologize for being so absent.  I feel a little overwhelmed with all I want to write and I think that has kept me away.  Not really a good excuse, but that's what I'm going with.  Thank you to those that have prodded me with e-mails...it's nice to know that you are still out there and still interested in reading my updates.  There's so much going on but for now I will just write a pregnancy update and then see where that takes me.  Here's where we stand:

As of my 38 week appointment there had been no progress.  I had been having some braxton hicks contractions on and off and some extra pressure in my abdomen.  I was hopeful for at least a cm or 2.  No such luck.  Plus, at my 37 week appointment I was measuring 36 weeks, no big deal...then at my 38 week appointment I had jumped up to 39 weeks!  No wonder I was feeling more pressure.  Baby Girl had gone through quite a growth spurt.  I told my doctor that I could not physically do my commute anymore.  I told her that I commute to DC (almost 2 hours each way) and that the bus was killing me.  She wrote me a note to get me out of work and I was so relieved.  She told me to walk, walk, walk and walk some more to get things going.  So of course the weather turns cold and rainy as soon as I'm home to take those walks.  Figures.  I walk around the house and I rock on my big exercise ball that I got for Christmas (which I need to write about, too) and I try to stay mobile and busy.  I have started feeling stronger contractions.  I knew these were different because they started in my lower abdomen like menstrual cramps and then my belly would get hard.  One morning I almost started timing them because they were coming fast and furious.  Then they stopped.  I figured it was the start of something good and that at the next appointment things would be moving along.  Not so much.  I hadn't seen any signs of a mucous plug and the contractions were few and far between.  I'm big, uncomfortable and having arguments with myself.  Things like:

me - I just want to go into labor and have this baby and meet her and love her
me2 - don't wish your pregnancy away...it's the only one you are every going to get to experience
me - you are right, but I can't sleep and I ache and I'm ready for her to be here
me2 - yes, but once she's here, you won't feel her moving around in your belly anymore...and you'll be even more tired
me - you're right again...I love having her with me all the time and feeling her move and rubbing my belly.

It's a hard problem to have, right?  I must sound so shallow.  But really, I am not wishing the pregnancy away, I just want to feel better.  I've had it really easy but these last few weeks have been pretty hard on me.  I wasn't expecting to be so uncomfortable.  I do not look forward to getting into bed at night.  Yes, I look forward to sleeping but my bed is my enemy right now.  I have pillows everywhere and can't really find a comfortable way to sleep.  Cry me a river.  Can I just tell you how cool it is to "complain" about the last weeks of pregnancy?  Especially since I have no real complaints other than mobility and sleep.

Backing up a little, we were sent for a sonogram on 12/31 to check Baby Girl's weight.  I didn't expect to see her again until I saw her in person so I was really excited.  BJ came with me and we were just amazed at how big she has gotten since our 20 week scan.  She looks like the Little Guy to me but BJ said he doesn't see it.  She has hair and chubby little cheeks and weighed in around 5lbs, 13oz.  We got a few good pictures of her and it's unbelievable how seeing those pictures made it even more real for me.  I have the huge belly, she moves all the time and our house is ready to bring a baby home any day now but I still have trouble believing that we are having a BABY.  I know it must sound crazy at this point but it's true.  Seeing her on that screen really brought it into perspective...there's a human baby, our baby, that will be joining us on the outside very soon.  It blows my mind that we are here.  Anyway...

I was really hoping for a little progress yesterday at my 39 week appointment but that was not to be.  My cervix is holding onto this baby like fort knox.  BJ said I shouldn't be surprised because I couldn't get pregnant on my own why would I think my body would cooperate come delivery time?  He's right and I told him that I was thinking the same thing.  My body didn't get this way on its own and it appears that it doesn't know how to let go of the pregnancy, either.  I keep telling myself that first babies are often late and many need help coming out.  I wasn't surprised that nothing was happening but I was a little disappointed.

My doctor wants another weight scan (yay!) on Tuesday and then to come see her Wednesday morning at 11:30.  If nothing is happening then I'm off to labor and delivery for some good old cervix ripening gel.  They will monitor me for 2 hours and if things start happening then we stay and have a baby.  If things don't happen after 2 hours then we go home and proceed with an induction the following week...I've already been placed on the waiting list.  Things felt extremely real after my appointment yesterday.  I'm now anxious and nervous and excited all at once.  I'm scared of labor, I'm scared of a c-section and I'm still scared that something could go really wrong.  It's a lot of emotions to experience at once.  Our due date is Thursday so the thought of having her the day before or exactly on that date is pretty awesome.  In the mean time I'm going to continue to walk around the house (because we are having lousy weather) and rocking on my exercise ball in the hopes that we won't need any intervention (yeah, right).

Oh, and we have a name but are not revealing it until she's born.  I learned early on that people are not afraid to express opinions when you throw out some names that you are considering.  And on the flip side, they get a bit offended if you don't love and pick the names they are giving you.  So we decided that once we picked a name it would be a secret.  It was the simplest solution to an issue that was becoming a stressful topic with people around us.  I bought wooden letters yesterday that we will be hanging on the wall in her room.

That's about all for now, I guess.  My wrist is tired of typing and I need to get up and get moving.  I will try to write more about the other things running around in my head very soon because once she's here I have a feeling I'll be even worse with blogging...as if that is possible.  Thanks for sticking around and checking on me.  It really is nice to have all of you out there rooting for us and caring.

33 Weeks, 5 Days and Other Things

I’m sorry that I’m not writing more regularly.  I got out of the habit during our busy time at work and now I have a horrible case of tendonitis in my left wrist that causes me all sorts of problems.  I’m wearing a very sexy brace on my left hand this day and let me tell you, it’s as much of a conversation starter as my big belly.  I had tendonitis many years ago in my right wrist and this case is no different.  It took many months to heal and that was with a cast and 2 cortisone shots.  The doctor threatened me with surgery so I never went back to him because I was a chicken and it ended up healing over time.  This case has gotten progressively worse which is not boding well for being able to take care of a baby.  I saw and orthopedic doctor that told me cortisone was ok while pregnant.  I’m going to check with my OB tomorrow to see what she says.  If I get the green light then I will go back and get the shot and hopefully it will help things along.  I have only done a little research on it and have not found anything satisfying yet.  Have any of you gotten a cortisone shot while pregnant?

Everything else is going fine.  My weight is up 25 pounds, my blood pressure and my urine are all good. At least they were 2 weeks ago.  I’ll find out more at my appointment tomorrow.  I had my thyroid checked again and it was fine so there is no adjustment in meds right now.  I go back in 3 weeks to do another check.  My sleep is pretty much like it has been for a while.  I wake once to pee and sometimes fall right back to sleep and other times I lie awake for over an hour trying to get comfortable and get my brain to shut up.  If I wake a second time to pee there is no going back to sleep.  I try to cut off my water drinking at 9:30 so that I have 2 more bathroom trips before bed.  This seems to work out ok most of the time.  I feel like I’m eating less.  I’m hungry more often but can only eat small amounts due to feeling full.  I read that this could be the case.  I still love cold stuff…we actually had cereal for dinner last night!  I love ice cold water and cereal and the occasional frozen yogurt or soft serve ice cream.  Yummy!  My vision is changing.  I read that in the book, too.  It seems like as soon as I read something I experience it or I experience it and then read about it the next time I open the book.  I guess you could say this pregnancy is pretty textbook.  Which is boring, but good?  I get heartburn at night and I also try to get leg cramps.  I’ve been eating Tums before bed and doing some calf stretches to help with the cramps.  Both seem to do the trick to alleviate these symptoms.

I’m so in love with this little girl.  We all are, really.  The Little Guy is reaching out and touching my belly more and more and watching her move and trying to feel her move.  BJ said he’s ready for those arms and elbows I’m feeling to be on the outside.  He knows it’s best for her to bake longer but he’s just so ready to hold her.  I love it.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.  She has started to wedge her little feet (I’m guessing) up under my sternum which is not comfortable but it makes me smile.  She also “bites” me over where I think my left ovary is.  BJ laughs when I say that she’s biting me but that is exactly what it feels like from the inside.  It’s so very painful that I double over sometimes.  I’m not sure what she’s doing but it really hurts.  It’s fun to watch her move around and twist her body.  Sometimes we will spend a good 10 minutes just watching my stomach and rubbing her to get her to move.  BJ talks to her every night and he won’t go to sleep until she kicks him.  It’s adorable.

We have our birthing class on Saturday.  It’s 9 to 5 so it’s a long day.  BJ is not looking forward to it but I am.  Sort of.  I’m nervous about it…labor, that is.  I’ll write more about it soon but I’m scared of a few things and taking this class will probably bring out all of those fears.  It seemed like that day would never get here and now it’s THIS weekend.  Yikes!

I have a shower at work tomorrow and I had one at home (well, my friend’s house) the weekend before Thanksgiving.  I need to write about both experiences and I will do that after the one tomorrow.  It’s so surreal to me that these “baby parties” are being thrown for ME.  I never thought I’d be the guest of honor at a baby shower and now I’m getting ready to attend my 2^nd one.  Crazy.

And because I can’t write a post without telling you of my new worries…I just read a couple of days ago about counting kicks and how to do that.  Well, I don’t have to do that because baby girl is very active.  I sometimes wonder if she ever sleeps.  She does have calmer days here and there but for the most part I feel her very regularly.  The book went on to say that if I feel “jerky” movements that I should let my doctor know.  Hmmm…well, since I read that I’ve been worried.  There have been a few times when it has felt like she is riding a bull in there.  This type of movement has only lasted a few seconds at a time and then she moves around normally.  I haven’t googled it AT ALL because I’m trying not to be worried.  I mean, it’s ok if she moves a little ruggedly, right?  I will mention it at my appointment tomorrow but is it something I should really be worried about?

I have lots more to say but my wrist is hurting and I need to get some actual work done.  Here are things that I still want to write about (making a list will help me remember because pregnancy brain is REAL):

Thoughts on having a girl
My showers
Labor/Delivery
Breastfeeding
A letter to my daughter

I will try to get to all of those before I actually give birth.  :-)   OH…and I almost forgot…please head over to Patience’s blog to help her with her adoption funds.  She has been on such a long and heartbreaking road and now they are finally matched!  She could use all the help she can get!

30 Week Update

Wow!  I can’t believe that I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I’m in the third trimester and things have just flown by.  I’ll start by giving a quick pregnancy update and then I have some other things I want to get in to.

I’ve had 2 OB appointments since I was told that I was measuring almost 2 weeks behind.  You will be happy to know that at the first appointment since that visit baby girl (and my uterus) went through a growth spurt.  At that appointment (and my appointment this week) I was measuring exactly where I should be!  Yay!  I will say that I was getting a little worried because not only was I measuring small but people kept telling me how little my belly was.  I actually still have people surprised at how far along I am when I tell them but I’ve also had people comment on how much my belly has grown and how big it is.  So I’m not worried anymore because I know everything is fine and I’ll just take the “small” comments as compliments.

I’ve gained 20 pounds so far.  Yikes!  That’s a lot on my small frame.  I’m wide and didn’t think I could get any wider but low and behold it has happened.  My hips, feet and back feel every single pound, too.  I passed my 1 hour glucose test and my blood pressure is good.  Everything is going along very smoothly.  I hope it keeps going that way.

I am now on an every 2 week appointment schedule until I hit 36 weeks.  I talked a little to my OB about what will happen if I go into labor early.  She said that if it’s before 36 weeks and they can’t stop contractions I will be transferred to a more capable hospital.  If it’s after 36 weeks I will just deliver at our hospital.  I still need to talk to her about when and if she’ll pull me out of work early.  I’m starting to have some anxiety about birth and labor and where I’ll be when it all starts and the thought of being 40 miles (usually about an hour travel time) from my hospital is not helping to calm my nerves.  It’s bad enough that if labor starts (or my water breaks) during the day BJ will be out on the road somewhere and I’ll be worried about him driving like a bat out of hell to get to me.  The less I have to worry about the better off I’ll be.  Not to mention the better off baby girl will be if I’m not stressing.

Now for the not so fun stuff.  I’m scared.   I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my fears at bay but at times there is no holding back.  We’re so close to having this baby girl in our arms and I can’t help but sometimes fear the worst.  I pretty much stay away from message boards because every once in a while a post will pop up about a late term loss or a stillbirth and I just can’t go there.  I can’t understand why those things happen and then of course I fear for myself and my baby.  I find it so hard to believe that I’m pregnant after all these years that I fear something horrible is going to happen to end it all.  When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee she often kicks me and squirms when I get back in bed.  I smile to myself and am relieved that she’s still there and alive.  It’s the same story when I wake up in the morning.  I need to feel her move to know that it’s real and that there is a live baby in there.   But I know that just because she’s moving and growing now that things could still go very wrong.  I’m trying to not think about it and I’m trying to just focus on all the good things…there are so many good things.  However, the fear is still there and it comes in big, engulfing waves sometimes.  I talk to her all the time and tell her things like how she doesn’t need to come early and no matter how uncomfortable I might be and how much moaning I may do when I can’t get comfortable at night that I am so happy that she’s in there and doing well.  I tell her how much her daddy loves her and how he can’t wait to hold her.  Although, he does a pretty good job of telling her those things, too.  He’s so cute…he gently lays his head on my belly (not all of his weight) and he talks to her and asks her to kick him and tells her that he loves her and can’t wait to see her.  My heart melts on a nightly basis.  Before I get out of bed in the morning, when I get home from work and when I lay down in bed at night he always reaches out and rubs my belly and gives it a tiny squeeze.  These moments are cherished but also bring on fear.  What if something happens to this precious little girl that we both love so much?  How would we survive?  I know we would but what kind of people would a loss like that morph us into?  I shudder at the thought.  This is why I try not to think about it.  I have a nursery that is 95% complete with clothes hanging in the closet and a dresser with 2 full drawers full of more clothes and a crib that is begging for a baby to be placed in it.  When I’m in there and I’m looking at her clothes I get very happy and anxious and sometimes scared out of my mind.  I had a rough road to get to this point and I guess I just can’t let go of all the years of heartache and disappointment.  I didn’t just get pregnant naturally or by surprise…I fought for years and kept hope alive even when I, myself, thought I had let it die.  I had to turn to one of the most controversial methods of conception out there in order to get pregnant.  And now here we are, 10 weeks from our due date.  It’s so surreal that we have come this far.  I have no reason to believe anything bad will happen…except that I know that bad can happen and I’ve been on the receiving end of some bad shit in my life…I want this to be the exception…I want to bring a living, healthy baby girl into this world and hold her and kiss her and smell her and cherish her for the rest of my life.  I think that is what any mother wants.  I hope and pray every day that God lets that happen for me.  This little girl is the light of our lives and she hasn’t even been born yet…and yet I can’t imagine my life without her now.  I hate that I feel sad sometimes and that I worry and that I’m scared.  I don’t want to feel those things at all.  I want to keep all the happy and hopeful feelings in the forefront and just concentrate on all the excitement surrounding the pregnancy.  Like I said, for the most part I am doing that.  I love being pregnant and I love feeling her move and wiggle and kick.  I have my complaints, don’t get me wrong.  All in all the good far outweighs anything I could complain about.  I’ll save my woes of pregnancy for another day (not that I have many).  What I gather from other Infertile Pregnant Blogs is that I think my fears are pretty normal…at least I hope they are.  And it’s not like I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.  I’m enjoying every bit of being pregnant and prepping for baby.  I love rubbing my stomach when no one’s looking.  I’m so vain that I can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror.  I love that people are finally noticing that yes, I’m pregnant.  It’s been such a great experience and I’m going to miss it once I give birth.  I just hope that we get our happy story and that she arrives safe and sound and ready to be smothered with love.

This and That

I know, you deserve a much better post/update than this and now that the election is over I might actually have time to sit down and write something worth reading.  For now, I want to touch on a few things non-pregnancy related that I have neglected to write about over the last few months.

The Little Guy’s mother has a new boyfriend.  I knew something was up when she asked to switch a day with us (a Thursday when it was our weekend to have him) and then didn’t call him all weekend.  That is very unlike her…so I had a feeling something was going on but I didn’t say anything to anyone.  BJ got a text from her about 2 weeks later that she was seeing someone and that a meeting between the LG and him would not happen for a while.  Well, it only took about another week or so before she introduced them.  The LG seems to like him and they do fun things like camping, amusement parks and stuff like that.  The only problem is that she likes to hang out at his place a lot, even when she has the LG with her.  I don’t blame her as he has his own house and she lives in her dad’s basement (which is very tiny) so who wouldn’t want to hang out somewhere else?  However, the LG doesn’t really have anything to do while they are there.  So, many of his weekends are pretty boring.  Not to mention, the boyfriend lives in another county which is about a 30 to 35 minute drive away.  Everyone seems happy so it’s good for now.

The LG started middle school this year.  Wow, I remember when he started Kindergarten.  He’s growing up so fast.  We are having a hard time adjusting to say the least.  He is in honors classes so he’s at a faster pace and higher level this year.  His math is kicking my butt…not to mention HIS butt.  I get home, help finish making dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner and then sit down to go over his homework.  I easily spend another 45 minutes to an hour helping him with his math.  I haven’t seen this math since I was in school and that was a LONG time ago.  He doesn’t take good notes and can’t remember what his teacher instructs him to do so I’m left surfing the internet or trying to figure out how to use his text book to help finish his worksheets.  It’s a nightmare.  And then comes his lack of memory for turning in this homework that we spend so much time on.  He forgets everything…and I’m not kidding.  He totally played me the other week because I told him that if he did not turn in one more assignment (especially after we spent so much time on it) he would be grounded for 3 days.  We can look online at his grades and his work was missing so I told him that was it, he was grounded.  He promised me he turned it in and that he looked everywhere for it and that the teacher must have lost it.  He cried and cried and didn’t understand why I didn’t believe him.  I felt like an ass because I really wanted to believe him.  I let him off the hook.  I looked in one of his other folders several days later and wouldn’t you know that I found the missing homework?  Ugh.  I told him that no matter how many tears he cried I would not believe him if another assignment came up missing.  So he was grounded for a full weekend day…no electronics.  He was so bored, poor thing.  Needless to say, things aren’t going great with middle school.  I’m hoping that he will adjust to the added responsibility a little better as time goes on.  Once Baby Girl gets here our lives will be that much more chaotic.

We weathered the hurricane just fine. We were so prepared to lose power…we had coolers, extra ice, a generator, propane for our grill, batteries for our flashlights, food that was power-failure appropriate, water in our bathtub…everything.  Of course we only lost power for 2 minutes.  I’ve never been so prepared for a storm.  I almost wished that we had lost power for a few hours.  Not really.  We have lost power and not been prepared and it sucked, big time.  I feel so badly for the NJ/NY areas that were hit so hard.  It’s unbelievable what a storm like that can do.  I can’t imagine losing everything like that.   It makes me cherish the fact that we came through unscathed.

We took a mini-vacation to an indoor waterpark last month.  It was fun to get away but of course I did not ride any of the rides.  I stuck my feet in the hot tub for a few minutes while BJ was enjoying the bubbles but I got hot pretty quickly so I just sat there and kept him company.  The LG rode all sorts of waterslides and we all swam in the big pool together.  I indulged in a pre-natal massage and it was heavenly.  BJ scoffed at the price (I even had a coupon!) but I told him that since I could not ride the rides that the massage was MY vacation and I didn’t care how much it cost.  It was only my 2^nd professional massage and I so wish I could get one once a week…it was blissful.  We ate some good food and played games at the arcade and just had a nice time.  We couldn’t go on a real vacation this summer because I couldn’t tolerate the heat so this was the next best thing.  I’ve also been saving my leave to carryover to next year and combine with my maternity leave so getting away felt really good since I feel like we have been trapped in our county since January.  There were so many babies and pregnant ladies there it was unreal.  I was so happy to be one of them for once, let me tell you.  Even BJ commented to me that I didn’t have to look at them with daggers anymore.  He was right.  But I did wonder if anyone was looking at me with daggers.

Oh yeah…another quick story.  On Open House night at school we were in the LG’s reading class and the teacher pointed out that she had the kids write the obligatory “what I did over the Summer” essay and she posted them in the back of the room.  While she was talking (and I should have been listening) I was searching for the LG’s essay.  I finally found it.  I read it and I beamed with pride.  The only 2 things he wrote about were places that I took him – the waterpark for his b-day in June and bowling with a friend.  How cool is that?  His mom took him to the beach once but he didn’t mention that.  She didn’t take him nearly as much as she used to…due to the new boyfriend, and I guess he took notice of that.  I showed the essay to BJ and told him how cool it was that the LG wrote about the things we did.  Since we didn’t take a real vacation he didn’t have much to pick from but writing about our time instead of the beach trip meant a lot to me.  I love that kid…bad memory and all.

I will do a better update later and I have some posts brewing that I need to get on paper so be prepared for a flurry of action around here over the next week or so…there’s lots to share.

First (and hopefully last until January) Visit to Labor and Delivery

Baby’s fine and I’m fine but I had a scary couple of hours last Friday night.  Before I get to that I want to thank you all for your advice and for putting  my fears about measuring behind to rest.  I always tell people to not worry until they have something to worry about and I need to follow my own advice.  I’m not going to fret (too much) about it until my next appointment where hopefully things will have evened out some.  And thanks for the advice on the bottles and other items.  It’s still so strange to be discussing these things with all of you.  But I’m very grateful that I’m at this point.  I put some bottles and a pump on my registry and we’ll see how it goes.  If baby girl doesn’t like them then we’ll try another brand.  I thought it would be wise to start with just the essentials…a few small and a few larger bottles just to see how it goes.

On to Friday night:

Actually, it started Thursday.  BJ, the Little Guy and I went to an outdoor event Thursday night that involved a lot of walking.  It was very leisurely walking for the most part but there were a couple of times that we walked pretty fast.  I started getting some cramps so I slowed down and then we took a break and sat for about 30 minutes.  All in all I had been on my feet for over 3 hours.  The cramps I experienced were quite different from my usual RLP (round ligament pain) that I’ve been having the entire pregnancy.  These were sharp and really low (like down by my pubic bone) and they extended into my lady parts.  They went away and I didn’t give them much more thought as I just chalked it up to overdoing it.  Friday at work I started to get them again.  The pains were really sharp, like stop me in my tracks sharp, and they continued to extend to my nether regions.  I was sitting for about 3 hours working on a project so I know it wasn’t happening because I was walking too much.  But again, they came and went with no real pattern.  Then I had them on the bus on the way home.  Then I had them at dinner.  Then I had them while relaxing on the couch after dinner.  BJ was a little worried and thought maybe I should call the answering service.  I debated on that because as always, I don’t want to be the crazy infertile pregnant lady that has to go to the doctor for every little pain.  But then I started wondering if the cramps were caused by my cervix dilating and then real worry started to set in.  I called the answering service and the on call doctor (not mine) called me back almost immediately.  I described the pain and was asked a bunch of questions about my activity, if I was coughing, if the pains were at regular intervals etc.  After talking with him he thought it would be best to go to L&D and just make sure things were fine.  To say that I had an out of body experience at that moment is an understatement.  I told BJ that he didn’t have to come (it was 10:00pm, after all) but of course he insisted.  I was foolish to even suggest I go alone but like I said, I was not thinking clearly and was feeling like it was a bad dream at this point.  All the thoughts that were in my head were all bad and on the short drive to the hospital I felt like I was floating along completely out of control.  I just wanted her to be ok.  I kept apologizing to BJ about his truck getting dirty (it was raining and he had just washed it) and just staring out the window not sure what to do with myself.

He dropped me off at the entrance to the ER because that is the first step.  I was worried that we’d be there all night because the ER for our hospital is always crowded and always very slow.  I was wrong.  After checking in at the front desk (and trying to explain to the lady that we did IVF and that I had no idea when my LMP was but that we had retrieval on 5/3 and my due date is 1/24 and I’m 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant…she still did the math wrong and messed up the LMP date) we were sent straight to L&D.  We were a bit lost but found our way and were buzzed in and I handed my papers over and was shown straight into a birthing room and given a warm gown to put on.  I changed and explained to the nurse what was happening and why I was worried.  She was so nice and understanding and put us right at ease.  I had to give a urine and blood sample and was hooked up to the fetal monitor and the contraction monitor.  Baby girl’s heart rate worried me because it started out in the 130’s and then went up to her usual 140’s.  The nurse looked at the print out and said that it was perfectly normal for that to happen and that by judging from the heart rate and her movements (which were constant) that I was carrying a beautiful baby and that baby girl is very happy.  That warmed my heart.  I had the pain again and made note of the time so that I could tell the nurse upon her return.  Then I had to pee again.  BJ got up and went searching to find someone to make sure it was ok that I unhooked everything.  He was standing by the baby warmer and picked up the little hat and showed it to me. He was smitten.  He asked if that is where they put the baby after I have it and I told him yes.  I said that you just stay in the same room to deliver and then the baby gets checked out over there in the warmer and then we pretty much stay in that room.  He was confused by that because he has never experience that before.  The Little Guy was a scheduled C-section so he had no idea.  He thought it was pretty cool.  The fetal monitor picked up everything baby girl was doing.  We had a good time listening to her move and then BJ could hear her big kicks, of which there were many.  At one point the nurse saw my belly jump when she kicked.  Listening to her and feeling her move around was definitely comforting to us.

Anyway, when the nurse returned she checked the print out and at the time I had the pain I did not have a contraction.  Yay!  And then my blood and urine came back all normal (they never did check my cervix) and I was free to go.  We were in and out in just over an hour.  I felt so relieved that we went and that we had a good experience and that everything appears to be fine.  I told the nurse that I didn’t want to see her again until January and she said the same thing.

It was very scary but it turned out well and that is what I’m going to focus on.  I had a good experience with the staff and was comfortable and was not made to feel like I was overreacting.  What could have been a very bad night ended on the great high of knowing that as of right now, our baby girl is doing just fine and everything is as it should be.