Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Taking the Plunge

My temperature took the mighty plunge this morning.  I was up to 98.7 yesterday and then back down to 98.0 today.  That is my coverline temp and I'm 13DPO so I'm guessing AF will be here just in time for Christmas Eve if not tomorrow.  My leutel phase is usually 16-17 days so with my luck, she'll be here Christmas Day.  Oh joy.  I'm trying really hard to pick my spirits up and I know I have a fight on my hands with AF looming and my hormones being all PMS'y and what not.  I am very excited for BJ and the Little Guy to open their presents and that helps some.

The Little Guy and I were fortunate enough to be able to take a tour of the White House in all its Christmas glory last night.  I don't think I've been in such awe ever in my life.  Besides being absolutely beautiful, it was amazing to know the history of who walked the halls before me.  I picked the Little Guy up from school and we headed downtown.  We ate dinner (which was really good) and then we walked over to get in line.  It was cold but we came prepared.  Our tour time was scheduled for 7:00 so we got in line early.  We have learned our lesson from going to the Easter Egg Roll.  We got in line at 6:06 and were in the White House by 7:00.  The couple in front of us and another couple behind us were scheduled for 6:00...we did GOOD by getting in line early.

The Little Guy had a good time, too.  We both could have hung out longer after we walked through but we have a hefty drive home and we both had to get up early this morning.  BJ said he may just come with us next year.  I sure hope so.  I really missed having him there.  It was definitely something I would have loved to share with him.

I have one present to pick up today and then wrap and then I am 100% done with shopping and wrapping.  Everything else is wrapped and hiding away just waiting to be uncovered and placed under the tree.  I can't believe how close Christmas is and how fast it will be over.  Shopping was definitely more of a challenge this year because neither of us received a bonus.  I know how fortunate we are just to HAVE jobs, believe me, I do.  It's just that I have gotten a bonus for 9 years in a row and it really helps with holiday shopping.  I'm sure once the credit card bill rolls in I will really be missing our bonuses.  Especially since I know my husband will not stick to a tight budget.  If he wants me to have it, he buys it.  I'm more thrifty.  I look for free shipping, 1-day sales and things like that.  I plan ahead.  He is spur of the moment, fly by the seat of his pants.  Hopefully he didn't do too much damage to our card.  :-)  And he told me that whenever gift wrapping was available, he was taking advantage. He hates wrapping.  Poor thing.  I told him that once the Little Guy gets better at wrapping that we can pay him a small fee to wrap all the presents...except his own of course.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful, splendid, joy-filled, exuberant, safe and happy holiday - whatever you may be celebrating.  I hope that 2011 brings a baby to your arms or at least to your womb.  For those of you that are already mommies or expecting...I hope that your children continue to grow and thrive and bring joy to your heart.  May God bless each and every one of you, from my heart to yours.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Baby's First Christmas

I should be out shopping for the perfect ornament for my child's first Christmas.  I should be frantically trying to find a 4th stocking that matches the ones I bought 2 years ago for BJ, the Little Guy and myself.  I should be receiving way too many gifts from family and friends for our child.  I should have had a family picture taken to make Christmas cards like all the "normal" families do.  I should be standing in line at the mall with a screaming baby in the hopes of getting a decent picture with Santa.  I should be figuring out how to keep my 8 month old from grabbing ornaments off of our tree.

But I'm not.  Our IVF failed, as I have mentioned no less than 100 times on this blog.  I'm sure you are sick of hearing it at this point.  But it hurts all the time.  Especially when I think about everything mentioned in the above paragraph.  I feel lonely and lost.  I feel jipped and jinxed.  I feel bitter.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm bitter at, but it's there...lingering.

Then I read the blogs in my "Babies after IF" folder and I am overcome with happiness.  So much so, that I am on the verge of tears sometimes.  Happy and sad tears.  So very happy that I know these women that get to do all of those things above.  They fought tooth and nail to get those babies that will have a first Christmas this year and they are so deserving.  The sad tears are pretty self explanatory.  I'm sad for me.  I'm sad that I'm left behind and that I'm still fighting.  Then I'm mad at myself for throwing a pity party so I move on to other thoughts.  I try to stay with the happy feelings most of the time, but it's hard.  When I see the stockings hanging it tugs at my heart that we are missing one.

I know that not all IVF's work and sometimes you need 2 or 3 or 8 to get a baby.  We had one shot.  We put all our eggs in one uterus (ha ha).  We had 2 perfect embryos and neither one stuck.  It's the hand I was dealt and I just need to learn to accept it.  I just don't know how.  Especially when all I can think about is how this was to be our baby's first Christmas. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Again, I apologize for being absent.  I've been busy here at work and well, just really haven't felt like typing out all the crazy things in my head.  I've been fooling myself that I'm doing better this year with the Christmas spirit.  I can only lie to myself for so long before I finally admit how I'm feeling on the inside.  I love Christmas and cheer and the magic and thinking about the baby that was born so that my soul can be saved.  Things just aren't the same as they used to be this time of year.  Ever since our failed IVF I just have not been the same at Christmas time.  Last year I had moving as a great distraction and apparently the scapegoat for my aversion to Christmas.  It has occurred to me that I was feeling those things because I don't have a child and I have lost almost all hopes of ever having a child.  It sucks to feel this way.  Like I said, I love Christmas.  It's always been a time of glitter and lights and pure beauty.  Our house is decorated as are most of the houses in our neighborhood.  I've never had so many decorations up around me as an adult.  We've done quite a bit of gift shopping already and are almost done with everyone we have to buy for (except each other).  I just don't feel all the good feelings that are supposed to come along with Christmas.

Not all of this is IF related.  I have a couple of dates in November and December that I have never written about yet that are very sad for me.  I try to push them aside and move on but it's not that easy.  I lost so much on those dates and my life, and the lives of the others affected by the losses, will never be the same.  I do most of that suffering in private.  BJ understands my grief but he doesn't like to talk about those types of things and he's not the most sensitive of guys.  That's ok as I prefer to grieve alone anyway.

Given those sad anniversaries and the fact that I'm really starting to believe, to know, that I will not be a mother have really dragged me down this year.  I gave myself a deadline to achieve a pregnancy and that deadline is my 35th birthday.  That deadline is fast approaching.  The closer it gets the more I come to accept my childless fate.  I know that I should not give up hope but how can I hold onto it after 10 years?  There has to be an "end game".  I have to have a stopping point.  We can't afford anymore medical intervention and I don't know that I would do it again anyway.  I mean, how will they make my eggs better?  My eggs are what they are and they are obviously crap.  Another round of IVF wouldn't change that fact.

I'm just so tired.  I'm tired of trying, waiting, hoping, dreaming, crying, hurting and failing.  And yet, I'm still temping and charting and peeing on opk sticks.  I just don't know how to fully let go yet.  It's like I'm just going through the motions for the sake of saying that we are still trying.  None of it means anything.  It's all wasted effort but yet I'm still doing it.  And I guess I will still be doing it until my birthday next May.  At that point I will need to be done.  BJ and I will have a conversation about what form of birth control we think is best for us.  I've been leaning toward the permanent implant.  There can be no hope when my tubes are blocked, right?  The hope will finally go away and let me learn how to live child-free.  I have a lot to learn in that area because I've never even come close to being able to imagine a life like that.

The title of today's post is rather ironic.  Given everything I have stated above you will find my next few sentences rather contradictory.  That's how I roll.  I have a battle going on inside of me between hope and defeat.  Unfortunately, hope is on the winning side right now.  I tested positive with my opk yesterday.  BJ and I did the deed last night.  About 3 hours ago I began to feel the tell tale ovary pain that signals ovulation.  There's nothing like knowing that as far as timing goes we have hit the bull's-eye.  Now I will sit here and wait out the next 16-17 days to see if I will be blessed with the best Christmas present ever.

I'm sorry to be so glum.  And I know that I need to do a Happiness post but I needed to get this off my chest and out of my brain before I can move on.  Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me to spill my guts to.  I've been reading your blogs, too.  I'm not that great at commenting but I'm here and I'm always thinking of you guys.  I'm going to get an iPhone in the new year and will really be able to dive into commenting the way I'd like.  I'm off tomorrow to try and do some shopping for BJ so I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  I actually have some great plans for this weekend that I hope to share with all of you next week.