Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Weekend Recap and More Worries

I had such a nice weekend. We had the Little Guy with us this weekend until Monday morning. We went to dinner Friday night where I cashed in my free birthday coupon at Ruby’s. On Saturday I did my usual cleaning in the morning and then we went to BJ’s nephew’s birthday party. It was hard not to say anything to BJ’s sister but since we hadn’t really discussed it beforehand, neither of us said anything. We were there for about 5 hours and I was wiped out by the time we got home.


On Sunday we did some yard work and BJ washed my truck. Later, we went to get some crabs to steam up at home…yummy! And as I was eating my 3rd crab I was fear stricken. Am I allowed to eat crabs? Do they have mercury? Right over to the computer I went. I found out that I can “enjoy” (their word) up to 2 6oz servings a week. Whew! Seafood is actually good for you during pregnancy as long as you don’t eat the wrong kind. I finished eating and went out to the porch while they boys were still picking away. I almost fell asleep out there which would have been a little embarrassing had anyone come over. As we were cleaning up I carried one of the chairs upstairs and BJ yelled up to me to stop carrying things. I said the chair was light and it was ok. I like that he’s so cautious about this. He went to the neighbor’s house and I ended up falling asleep on the couch for just over an hour!

Monday, the Little Guy’s mother picked him up at 10:00 and BJ and I headed down to where we used to live by the water to walk the boardwalk and get some soft-serve ice cream. On our way, we decided to stop and look at a mini-van. It was really nice, but I don’t see us being able to get one. BJ will just have to get a cap for his truck and we’ll have to make due for the next couple of years or so. The van had some great features, though. I know why they are so popular after checking one out.

There were many references to the “baby” over the weekend. Always when the LG was not within ear shot, though. We said things like “This time next year, we’ll have an infant sitting on the porch with us.” And then he said things like “You’ll really be showing when we go to the fair this year. You’ll either want to eat everything in sight or you’ll be sickened by all the smells of the mixture of foods.” And then when I commented on how tired I was I was greeted with this sentence “That’s because you’re pregnant….I like saying that.” I like hearing him say it. I’m still trying to get used to it being said about me. My heart knows it’s true but my mind is still adjusting. I’ve been trying to get to this point for about 11 years and now that it’s finally here…wow.

When I called to make my u/s appointment I felt like I was going to throw up. Not from pregnancy sickness but from saying the words out loud – I need to make my 6 week ultrasound appointment – those types of things bring on the anxiety. It’s like I’m afraid to admit it out loud. I’m afraid of jinxing something. I know that it doesn’t work that way but it’s still a fear I have. I even called my thyroid doctor to get my TSH levels checked because I’m pregnant. I had to cancel my yearly pap appointment and explain that I’m pregnant and still being seen by the clinic. Just typing all of this out has made my stomach want to purge. I want this so badly and the thought of not having a heartbeat Friday is scaring the crap out of me. I’m constantly pushing and poking and grabbing my breasts to see how sore they are. I keep hoping for a little queasiness just so I know things are still going ok in there. I’m scared to look at the toilet paper each time I use the bathroom. Believe it or not, I’m trying really hard to focus on the good things. I had VERY strong betas. I’m still tired like crazy. I’m still getting cramps on and off each day. My breasts are still very tender. Although, I don’t think they’ve grown at all. I think maybe I’ve been tainted by all the bad stories I read online. I’m not sailing through this blissfully ignorant to all that can go wrong. I wish I were so blind. I was bold enough to download the baby center app to my phone. It took me 2 or 3 days to log in, though. I don’t like the fear. I don’t like the anxiety. It doesn’t do any good. There’s nothing I can do (or not do) at this point to keep things on track. I have to try and have faith that there is still life in me and that it’s growing and thriving as it should be. It’s not like I’m sitting around thinking only negative thoughts. I’m so excited to be pregnant. I’ve never been this pregnant before and it takes my breath away to think about all the possibilities. I am exceptionally happy right now. I’m also very scared that all of this will be taken away from me.

Our appointment is at 8:00am on Friday. BJ will be with me. He wants to tell the LG Friday night as long as everything goes good. I don’t know that I’m ready for that but he doesn’t want to keep it from his son any longer. I have to admit that we had to catch ourselves a few times this weekend with him around. We don’t want to slip up and have him find out accidentally. That would be bad. So, as long as we get a good report I guess we’ll be telling the LG Friday night that he’s going to be a big brother in January. Fingers crossed. Please, please, please let this come to fruition.

9 comments:

someday-soon said...

The wait for the 1st u/s is so nerve wracking {{{HUGS}}} Hopefully after Friday you can really start to let it sink in. Those betas were so strong I think you're going to be over the moon on Friday =)

Augusta said...

I wish that fear could just evaporate into thin air. With each new milestone, it will probably lessen. You've passed some very important milestones in the last few weeks, and I feel positive about your next one on Friday. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job at balancing the anxiety and the joy. I admire that in you, TeeJay.

Leslie said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way! Your betas were fantastic so I am thinking you will see/hear great news come Friday! Fingers & toes crossed for a fantastic u/s!

Samantha said...

Good luck on Friday!

Alex said...

What a lovely weekend. I know you're in super scary mode, but try to have faith and enjoy this time. It's hard, I know. So excited to hear your news on Friday!!!

Rebecca said...

Hoping for a nice strong heartbeat.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Yay! Can't wait for Friday's report!! Remember, though that a 6 week u/s is very early and you might not see a h/b yet, which is totally NORMAL! You'll definitely see one on the next scan though. Hooray, so excited for Friday!! {{{HUGS}}} xoxox

LC said...

Sending all good thoughts and vibes your way for an awesome ultrasound tomorrow!!

Nanci said...

Everything in Floida is crossed for a fabulous first u/s! I can't wait for an update,I'll be checking your blog tomorrow for updates!