Tuesday, May 1, 2012

One Year Ago - Part 1

One year ago today I peed on a stick and saw a beautiful 2nd pink line staring back at me. I just knew that cycle would work. I was calm and collected, for the most part, through the whole thing. I couldn’t have been happier. I was giddy, I was dreamy eyed, I was hopeful. I was also a little scared. I had never seen 2 lines before. Not once in 10 years. I remember climbing back into bed and showing BJ the test and explaining what the 2nd line meant. He was my negative nelly. He said he’d believe it more when the doctor told us it was true. Deep down he knew we were pregnant but I think he was afraid, too. He was mostly afraid for me. He told his sister that he’d never seen me like that...as in floating on air and blissful. Not that I spent my days walking around bitter and resentful and sad and gloomy all the time, but he definitely noticed the spring in my step. He wanted it to be true for me more than for himself, I think. He didn’t want me to get hurt. He liked the sparkle in my eyes.


May 1, 2011 marks the day my life was changed forever because I finally experienced what it felt like to be a Mother. I thought about nursery decorations and how we’d tell special people and when we’d tell them. I thought about finally being able to use the name(s) I picked out so long ago. I worried that everything was ok in my uterus. I had actual symptoms of the pregnancy and not just phantom symptoms that were brought on the extra progesterone and estrogen. I couldn’t eat tomatoes for crying out loud and I was only 4 weeks (2 weeks gestational) along. It was an amazing feeling to know that we had finally succeeded. I was finally pregnant and I was going to be a Mother. The joys I felt cannot be put into words. It was also a relief. We had finally spent our money on something good and not just thrown it out the window. No more trying, no more needles, no more monitoring. Our last ditch effort paid off. I was on top of the world one year ago today.

May 1, 2012 could not be more different. I received an e-mail from my nurse earlier with the good news that our donor will be triggering tonight and retrieval is set for Thursday morning. BJ has to be there with his sample at 10:30 so my guess is that retrieval will be an hour or so after that. That is how it usually worked for us before. Her E2 level is 3986. She has 46 follicles (holy crap!) with 18 of them being measurable between 15mm and 20mm. She must be so uncomfortable right now. I’m hoping that we get at least 12 mature eggs but my guess is that we’ll get around 14 or 15, which is still awesome and plenty to go around. I hope she doesn’t suffer from OHSS. I would feel horrible. My nurse said that the donor has to come back in tomorrow to make sure she did the trigger shot correctly (gulp...that’s scary) and if she did then we are all set. Transfer will either be on 5/6 (day 3) or 5/8 (day 5). There is a small chance that it could be pushed to 5/9 depending on how everything develops. I am to continue my Delestrogen every 3 days and if the donor does the trigger correctly, I will begin my PIO shots tomorrow night. Wow. It’s really here (well, almost). Just a couple of more hurdles until an embryo will again be placed in my uterus. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m a bit scared. I’m giddy. I’m dreamy eyed.

I guess today is not really different than one year ago, is it? The feelings are actually pretty similar. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?

I cannot thank you all enough for being with me on this journey. I have made some pretty good connections and received some great advice and wonderful support. I do not know where my emotions would be if I didn’t have y’all to vent and cry to. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for following along. It means the world to me that there are perfect strangers out there willing to help and encourage and cheer me on. I hope that things continue to move forward and that this cycle works and that I get to share a pregnancy journey with you.

13 comments:

A said...

praying my heart out for you!!

Mel. said...

I have every last body part crossed for you!!

Alex said...

Wow - it's amazing to think about one year ago. I remember when you got your BFP, and I was so happy for you! I have everything crossed that you get another BFP - one that sticks for real! - very soon!!!!!

Augusta said...

A difficult anniversary, to be sure, dear woman. I am glad that there is a great swell of hope to hold you through it. Retrieval on Thursday!!! That is just so exciting. I continue to feel very optimistic about your process.
sending warm hugs.

mommyodyssey.com said...

ahh this is exciting!
It's amazing how perspective makes you grateful, isn't it?
Much love!

Leslie said...

Anniversaries such as this are always difficult but I am hoping that great news is right around the corner for you!! Thinking of you and wishing you all the best = )

EndoJourney said...

So much love to you both! Wishing nothing but the best as you get closer to getting your miracle!

Samantha said...

My heart is full of hope for you!

Kate said...

so so excited for you!

My donor goes in for her first ultrasound since she started stims!

Will be checking in soon.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

newbie said...

Really excited for you, and hoping for a happy ending!

someday-soon said...

Wow, May 1st is a good day for you =) So excited that your donor has triggered and tomorrow is ER! Sounds like she has lots of good follies in there. If she's made it this far it's super unlikely she messed up the trigger shot so don't get too worried about that. Sending tons of PTs for tomorrow and can't wait to hear how it goes!!!

triedandtrying said...

I am keeping my fingers and everything else crossed for you!!! (and that is so many follicles - I can't imagine!)

Rebecca said...

Saying a prayer for you.