10dp5dt - Happy Birthday to ME!

Here's the story behind this.

I went to Subway for lunch yesterday and since I know I'm not supposed to eat lunch meat, I ordered a steak and cheese with tomatoes, lettuce and ketchup.  I was eating it and was sure I was not liking the tomatoes.  However, I also convinced myself that I was making that up because I didn't want to like them.  So I just took them off so I'd stop effing with myself.  Then I decided I don't like Subway's ketchup.  I also noticed that my breasts were not quite as sore as they should be.  I was starting to feel pretty down.  I had been up since 4:15 because for the 3rd or 4th night in a row I have woken up unable to go back to sleep.  This should have been a clue as this happened last time I was pregnant.  I was tired, I had a rough day at work and I just wanted to go home.  During the evening I noticed that I was no longer feeling the uterine cramping and my breasts barely ached at all.  I was sinking lower.  Also, this whole week I have not been very interested in food.  Normally, there is something that I could really go for and would love to have.  Not so much this week.  I decided last night that I would most likely test this morning to just get it over with and so I could stop my meds and get my period here quicker in order to start prepping for my FET.  But then I wasn't sure I wanted to ruin my birthday so I didn't get the test ready last night.

This morning I woke up really early again, wide awake and with an aching bladder.  I figured I should just test and get it over with so that I could get on with my day.  I was no longer happily ignorant thinking wonderful things anyway so what difference did it make?  I waited until just before BJ was supposed to get up for work and went into the bathroom.  I took the box into our closet so I could open it quietly.  I peed, wiped and stood up.  I was fully prepared for a stark white window.  When I peeked at the test on the ledge my heart skipped a beat and I could not have been happier.  I stared at myself in the mirror just smiling and whispering "we made a baby".  I was worried about the color of the line because it was lighter than I would have expected right now but it had only been about 2 minutes.  I walked out of the bathroom with the test behind my back and a smile I couldn't wipe off my face.  BJ was awake and looking at me.  I said, "good morning, daddy".  And he said, "did it say you're pregnant?"  I showed him the test and he said he couldn't see it, he needed his glasses.  He looked at it and said, "it told you that last time and you got all excited.  I hope it's real this time."   I agreed with him but you know what?  Today is my birthday and I'm happy and I'm going to stay happy about this.  I snuggled with him for a few more minutes and when he got up he looked at the test again and said, "there's definitely a line there this time.  Last time it was pretty light, remember?"  Then I looked at it again and saw how dark it was and I was even happier.  I know not to count my chickens before they hatch.  I'm not rushing out to by a crib, but I'm going to relish the fact that there is a life in me right now and be happy and giddy and hopeful.  I need to schedule my beta for Monday and that will be a pretty good indicator of where we stand, at least for right now.

BJ said he was worried about it being negative and completely ruining my day.  I told him that I was dreading testing and just wanted to get it over with and if it was negative, I'd be able to get drunk tonight.  :-)  Right now, I'm drunk on happiness.

PS - I pulled up the picture of last year's BFP on 10dp5dt on my phone and today's line is SO much darker than that line!!

10dp5dt - OK, Now What?

From this morning, with the brand name test that states it can give you a positive up to 6 days before your missed period.

A little about yesterday:  We were doing some yard work, raking to be exact, and BJ asked me if I should be doing that and I said I wasn't working really hard, mainly just using my arms.  And then I said to him that I was a little surprised that he didn't ask me about it.  He said he didn't know that I tested because I didn't say anything.  Keep in mind that we are trying to talk in code because the little guy is with us this weekend.  I told him it was inconclusive and then he was really confused.  After we were done, the LG went to play with the neighbor and we came inside and I went and got the test with the blue line.  Here's our conversation:

Me - what do you see?
Him - a blue line
Me - what do you see in the other window?
Him - a light blue line...what does that mean?
Me - I don't know
So I had to explain that 2 lines is positive and only 1 line is negative.  I also told him that it was a cheap test and he said that he would be like me and not believe it until I took a good test.  He asked me how dark the line should be and I said that it doesn't really matter, as long as it's there.  He wasn't convinced and neither was I.

I had 2 dreams last night about getting 2 lines.  Each time I woke up I was more and more convinced that as soon as I peed, the window would be blank and it would all be over.  I woke up at 5:30 unable to sleep any longer.  I got out of bed at 6:15 because I had to pee and I knew that I had to get this over with.  So I peed and was scared to turn the test over.  Then I saw the line and I started to lightly cry.  I want this to be real but I don't know how to accept it.  I see how light the line is and I panic that it's not real.  I know too much.  I know words like "chemical pregnancy", "blighted ovum", "miscarriage".  I'm scared but happy...confused and afraid to take this for what it might actually be.  I can't even type or say the P word when referring to myself.

BJ woke up after I got back in bed and asked me if I peed.
Me - yes
Him - and?
I reached over to the nightstand and showed him the test.  Keep in mind, he's blind without his contacts.  He squinted to see it.
Him - that 2nd line wasn't there before you peed?
Me - no, it was blank...and this is the good test.  but I still don't believe it.
Him - what is it supposed to look like?
I put the test really close to his face so he could see the gray writing that explains what the results should look like.
Him - well, that's good.
Me - yeah, I'm not scheduled for blood work until Wednesday...I'm going to go insane before then.

So that's pretty much it.  I now have a 2nd pink line.  I'm still not sure what to make of it.  I'm too scared to admit that it's real for fear it won't be there tomorrow morning.