33 Weeks, 5 Days and Other Things

I’m sorry that I’m not writing more regularly.  I got out of the habit during our busy time at work and now I have a horrible case of tendonitis in my left wrist that causes me all sorts of problems.  I’m wearing a very sexy brace on my left hand this day and let me tell you, it’s as much of a conversation starter as my big belly.  I had tendonitis many years ago in my right wrist and this case is no different.  It took many months to heal and that was with a cast and 2 cortisone shots.  The doctor threatened me with surgery so I never went back to him because I was a chicken and it ended up healing over time.  This case has gotten progressively worse which is not boding well for being able to take care of a baby.  I saw and orthopedic doctor that told me cortisone was ok while pregnant.  I’m going to check with my OB tomorrow to see what she says.  If I get the green light then I will go back and get the shot and hopefully it will help things along.  I have only done a little research on it and have not found anything satisfying yet.  Have any of you gotten a cortisone shot while pregnant?

Everything else is going fine.  My weight is up 25 pounds, my blood pressure and my urine are all good. At least they were 2 weeks ago.  I’ll find out more at my appointment tomorrow.  I had my thyroid checked again and it was fine so there is no adjustment in meds right now.  I go back in 3 weeks to do another check.  My sleep is pretty much like it has been for a while.  I wake once to pee and sometimes fall right back to sleep and other times I lie awake for over an hour trying to get comfortable and get my brain to shut up.  If I wake a second time to pee there is no going back to sleep.  I try to cut off my water drinking at 9:30 so that I have 2 more bathroom trips before bed.  This seems to work out ok most of the time.  I feel like I’m eating less.  I’m hungry more often but can only eat small amounts due to feeling full.  I read that this could be the case.  I still love cold stuff…we actually had cereal for dinner last night!  I love ice cold water and cereal and the occasional frozen yogurt or soft serve ice cream.  Yummy!  My vision is changing.  I read that in the book, too.  It seems like as soon as I read something I experience it or I experience it and then read about it the next time I open the book.  I guess you could say this pregnancy is pretty textbook.  Which is boring, but good?  I get heartburn at night and I also try to get leg cramps.  I’ve been eating Tums before bed and doing some calf stretches to help with the cramps.  Both seem to do the trick to alleviate these symptoms.

I’m so in love with this little girl.  We all are, really.  The Little Guy is reaching out and touching my belly more and more and watching her move and trying to feel her move.  BJ said he’s ready for those arms and elbows I’m feeling to be on the outside.  He knows it’s best for her to bake longer but he’s just so ready to hold her.  I love it.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.  She has started to wedge her little feet (I’m guessing) up under my sternum which is not comfortable but it makes me smile.  She also “bites” me over where I think my left ovary is.  BJ laughs when I say that she’s biting me but that is exactly what it feels like from the inside.  It’s so very painful that I double over sometimes.  I’m not sure what she’s doing but it really hurts.  It’s fun to watch her move around and twist her body.  Sometimes we will spend a good 10 minutes just watching my stomach and rubbing her to get her to move.  BJ talks to her every night and he won’t go to sleep until she kicks him.  It’s adorable.

We have our birthing class on Saturday.  It’s 9 to 5 so it’s a long day.  BJ is not looking forward to it but I am.  Sort of.  I’m nervous about it…labor, that is.  I’ll write more about it soon but I’m scared of a few things and taking this class will probably bring out all of those fears.  It seemed like that day would never get here and now it’s THIS weekend.  Yikes!

I have a shower at work tomorrow and I had one at home (well, my friend’s house) the weekend before Thanksgiving.  I need to write about both experiences and I will do that after the one tomorrow.  It’s so surreal to me that these “baby parties” are being thrown for ME.  I never thought I’d be the guest of honor at a baby shower and now I’m getting ready to attend my 2^nd one.  Crazy.

And because I can’t write a post without telling you of my new worries…I just read a couple of days ago about counting kicks and how to do that.  Well, I don’t have to do that because baby girl is very active.  I sometimes wonder if she ever sleeps.  She does have calmer days here and there but for the most part I feel her very regularly.  The book went on to say that if I feel “jerky” movements that I should let my doctor know.  Hmmm…well, since I read that I’ve been worried.  There have been a few times when it has felt like she is riding a bull in there.  This type of movement has only lasted a few seconds at a time and then she moves around normally.  I haven’t googled it AT ALL because I’m trying not to be worried.  I mean, it’s ok if she moves a little ruggedly, right?  I will mention it at my appointment tomorrow but is it something I should really be worried about?

I have lots more to say but my wrist is hurting and I need to get some actual work done.  Here are things that I still want to write about (making a list will help me remember because pregnancy brain is REAL):

Thoughts on having a girl
My showers
Labor/Delivery
Breastfeeding
A letter to my daughter

I will try to get to all of those before I actually give birth.  :-)   OH…and I almost forgot…please head over to Patience’s blog to help her with her adoption funds.  She has been on such a long and heartbreaking road and now they are finally matched!  She could use all the help she can get!

30 Week Update

Wow!  I can’t believe that I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I’m in the third trimester and things have just flown by.  I’ll start by giving a quick pregnancy update and then I have some other things I want to get in to.

I’ve had 2 OB appointments since I was told that I was measuring almost 2 weeks behind.  You will be happy to know that at the first appointment since that visit baby girl (and my uterus) went through a growth spurt.  At that appointment (and my appointment this week) I was measuring exactly where I should be!  Yay!  I will say that I was getting a little worried because not only was I measuring small but people kept telling me how little my belly was.  I actually still have people surprised at how far along I am when I tell them but I’ve also had people comment on how much my belly has grown and how big it is.  So I’m not worried anymore because I know everything is fine and I’ll just take the “small” comments as compliments.

I’ve gained 20 pounds so far.  Yikes!  That’s a lot on my small frame.  I’m wide and didn’t think I could get any wider but low and behold it has happened.  My hips, feet and back feel every single pound, too.  I passed my 1 hour glucose test and my blood pressure is good.  Everything is going along very smoothly.  I hope it keeps going that way.

I am now on an every 2 week appointment schedule until I hit 36 weeks.  I talked a little to my OB about what will happen if I go into labor early.  She said that if it’s before 36 weeks and they can’t stop contractions I will be transferred to a more capable hospital.  If it’s after 36 weeks I will just deliver at our hospital.  I still need to talk to her about when and if she’ll pull me out of work early.  I’m starting to have some anxiety about birth and labor and where I’ll be when it all starts and the thought of being 40 miles (usually about an hour travel time) from my hospital is not helping to calm my nerves.  It’s bad enough that if labor starts (or my water breaks) during the day BJ will be out on the road somewhere and I’ll be worried about him driving like a bat out of hell to get to me.  The less I have to worry about the better off I’ll be.  Not to mention the better off baby girl will be if I’m not stressing.

Now for the not so fun stuff.  I’m scared.   I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my fears at bay but at times there is no holding back.  We’re so close to having this baby girl in our arms and I can’t help but sometimes fear the worst.  I pretty much stay away from message boards because every once in a while a post will pop up about a late term loss or a stillbirth and I just can’t go there.  I can’t understand why those things happen and then of course I fear for myself and my baby.  I find it so hard to believe that I’m pregnant after all these years that I fear something horrible is going to happen to end it all.  When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee she often kicks me and squirms when I get back in bed.  I smile to myself and am relieved that she’s still there and alive.  It’s the same story when I wake up in the morning.  I need to feel her move to know that it’s real and that there is a live baby in there.   But I know that just because she’s moving and growing now that things could still go very wrong.  I’m trying to not think about it and I’m trying to just focus on all the good things…there are so many good things.  However, the fear is still there and it comes in big, engulfing waves sometimes.  I talk to her all the time and tell her things like how she doesn’t need to come early and no matter how uncomfortable I might be and how much moaning I may do when I can’t get comfortable at night that I am so happy that she’s in there and doing well.  I tell her how much her daddy loves her and how he can’t wait to hold her.  Although, he does a pretty good job of telling her those things, too.  He’s so cute…he gently lays his head on my belly (not all of his weight) and he talks to her and asks her to kick him and tells her that he loves her and can’t wait to see her.  My heart melts on a nightly basis.  Before I get out of bed in the morning, when I get home from work and when I lay down in bed at night he always reaches out and rubs my belly and gives it a tiny squeeze.  These moments are cherished but also bring on fear.  What if something happens to this precious little girl that we both love so much?  How would we survive?  I know we would but what kind of people would a loss like that morph us into?  I shudder at the thought.  This is why I try not to think about it.  I have a nursery that is 95% complete with clothes hanging in the closet and a dresser with 2 full drawers full of more clothes and a crib that is begging for a baby to be placed in it.  When I’m in there and I’m looking at her clothes I get very happy and anxious and sometimes scared out of my mind.  I had a rough road to get to this point and I guess I just can’t let go of all the years of heartache and disappointment.  I didn’t just get pregnant naturally or by surprise…I fought for years and kept hope alive even when I, myself, thought I had let it die.  I had to turn to one of the most controversial methods of conception out there in order to get pregnant.  And now here we are, 10 weeks from our due date.  It’s so surreal that we have come this far.  I have no reason to believe anything bad will happen…except that I know that bad can happen and I’ve been on the receiving end of some bad shit in my life…I want this to be the exception…I want to bring a living, healthy baby girl into this world and hold her and kiss her and smell her and cherish her for the rest of my life.  I think that is what any mother wants.  I hope and pray every day that God lets that happen for me.  This little girl is the light of our lives and she hasn’t even been born yet…and yet I can’t imagine my life without her now.  I hate that I feel sad sometimes and that I worry and that I’m scared.  I don’t want to feel those things at all.  I want to keep all the happy and hopeful feelings in the forefront and just concentrate on all the excitement surrounding the pregnancy.  Like I said, for the most part I am doing that.  I love being pregnant and I love feeling her move and wiggle and kick.  I have my complaints, don’t get me wrong.  All in all the good far outweighs anything I could complain about.  I’ll save my woes of pregnancy for another day (not that I have many).  What I gather from other Infertile Pregnant Blogs is that I think my fears are pretty normal…at least I hope they are.  And it’s not like I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.  I’m enjoying every bit of being pregnant and prepping for baby.  I love rubbing my stomach when no one’s looking.  I’m so vain that I can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror.  I love that people are finally noticing that yes, I’m pregnant.  It’s been such a great experience and I’m going to miss it once I give birth.  I just hope that we get our happy story and that she arrives safe and sound and ready to be smothered with love.

First (and hopefully last until January) Visit to Labor and Delivery

Baby’s fine and I’m fine but I had a scary couple of hours last Friday night.  Before I get to that I want to thank you all for your advice and for putting  my fears about measuring behind to rest.  I always tell people to not worry until they have something to worry about and I need to follow my own advice.  I’m not going to fret (too much) about it until my next appointment where hopefully things will have evened out some.  And thanks for the advice on the bottles and other items.  It’s still so strange to be discussing these things with all of you.  But I’m very grateful that I’m at this point.  I put some bottles and a pump on my registry and we’ll see how it goes.  If baby girl doesn’t like them then we’ll try another brand.  I thought it would be wise to start with just the essentials…a few small and a few larger bottles just to see how it goes.

On to Friday night:

Actually, it started Thursday.  BJ, the Little Guy and I went to an outdoor event Thursday night that involved a lot of walking.  It was very leisurely walking for the most part but there were a couple of times that we walked pretty fast.  I started getting some cramps so I slowed down and then we took a break and sat for about 30 minutes.  All in all I had been on my feet for over 3 hours.  The cramps I experienced were quite different from my usual RLP (round ligament pain) that I’ve been having the entire pregnancy.  These were sharp and really low (like down by my pubic bone) and they extended into my lady parts.  They went away and I didn’t give them much more thought as I just chalked it up to overdoing it.  Friday at work I started to get them again.  The pains were really sharp, like stop me in my tracks sharp, and they continued to extend to my nether regions.  I was sitting for about 3 hours working on a project so I know it wasn’t happening because I was walking too much.  But again, they came and went with no real pattern.  Then I had them on the bus on the way home.  Then I had them at dinner.  Then I had them while relaxing on the couch after dinner.  BJ was a little worried and thought maybe I should call the answering service.  I debated on that because as always, I don’t want to be the crazy infertile pregnant lady that has to go to the doctor for every little pain.  But then I started wondering if the cramps were caused by my cervix dilating and then real worry started to set in.  I called the answering service and the on call doctor (not mine) called me back almost immediately.  I described the pain and was asked a bunch of questions about my activity, if I was coughing, if the pains were at regular intervals etc.  After talking with him he thought it would be best to go to L&D and just make sure things were fine.  To say that I had an out of body experience at that moment is an understatement.  I told BJ that he didn’t have to come (it was 10:00pm, after all) but of course he insisted.  I was foolish to even suggest I go alone but like I said, I was not thinking clearly and was feeling like it was a bad dream at this point.  All the thoughts that were in my head were all bad and on the short drive to the hospital I felt like I was floating along completely out of control.  I just wanted her to be ok.  I kept apologizing to BJ about his truck getting dirty (it was raining and he had just washed it) and just staring out the window not sure what to do with myself.

He dropped me off at the entrance to the ER because that is the first step.  I was worried that we’d be there all night because the ER for our hospital is always crowded and always very slow.  I was wrong.  After checking in at the front desk (and trying to explain to the lady that we did IVF and that I had no idea when my LMP was but that we had retrieval on 5/3 and my due date is 1/24 and I’m 23 weeks and 1 day pregnant…she still did the math wrong and messed up the LMP date) we were sent straight to L&D.  We were a bit lost but found our way and were buzzed in and I handed my papers over and was shown straight into a birthing room and given a warm gown to put on.  I changed and explained to the nurse what was happening and why I was worried.  She was so nice and understanding and put us right at ease.  I had to give a urine and blood sample and was hooked up to the fetal monitor and the contraction monitor.  Baby girl’s heart rate worried me because it started out in the 130’s and then went up to her usual 140’s.  The nurse looked at the print out and said that it was perfectly normal for that to happen and that by judging from the heart rate and her movements (which were constant) that I was carrying a beautiful baby and that baby girl is very happy.  That warmed my heart.  I had the pain again and made note of the time so that I could tell the nurse upon her return.  Then I had to pee again.  BJ got up and went searching to find someone to make sure it was ok that I unhooked everything.  He was standing by the baby warmer and picked up the little hat and showed it to me. He was smitten.  He asked if that is where they put the baby after I have it and I told him yes.  I said that you just stay in the same room to deliver and then the baby gets checked out over there in the warmer and then we pretty much stay in that room.  He was confused by that because he has never experience that before.  The Little Guy was a scheduled C-section so he had no idea.  He thought it was pretty cool.  The fetal monitor picked up everything baby girl was doing.  We had a good time listening to her move and then BJ could hear her big kicks, of which there were many.  At one point the nurse saw my belly jump when she kicked.  Listening to her and feeling her move around was definitely comforting to us.

Anyway, when the nurse returned she checked the print out and at the time I had the pain I did not have a contraction.  Yay!  And then my blood and urine came back all normal (they never did check my cervix) and I was free to go.  We were in and out in just over an hour.  I felt so relieved that we went and that we had a good experience and that everything appears to be fine.  I told the nurse that I didn’t want to see her again until January and she said the same thing.

It was very scary but it turned out well and that is what I’m going to focus on.  I had a good experience with the staff and was comfortable and was not made to feel like I was overreacting.  What could have been a very bad night ended on the great high of knowing that as of right now, our baby girl is doing just fine and everything is as it should be.

Nesting, Registering, Melting, Worrying

Instead of a bullet point post, I’m going to do 4 mini-posts in one.  I know you are excited!

Nesting

The nesting has begun.  We cleaned out the “scrapping” room to make way for the baby furniture we bought.  I still have to clear out half of the closet but we are well on our way to having a real nursery.  We even installed some shelves in the closet.  The lady at work that had her baby girl 7 weeks early gave me a box full of clothes that her little one has outgrown.  I can’t believe that I have baby clothes in my house.  We brought the crib and dresser home and set them up in her room.  I fought tears a couple of times because I was just so overcome with joy and love and disbelief that this is happening for us.  BJ didn’t see the tears.  He went down to the neighbor’s house for a little while and I took that time to hang out in baby girl’s room and have a talk with her and God.  Of course the flood gates opened up at that point.  We had put her bedding in her crib to get an idea of if we liked it (we love it) and to see what color(s) we want to pull from the bedding in order to paint.  I kept looking at the empty crib in awe.  There’s finally going to be a baby in our house (hopefully) and it’s so emotionally overwhelming that sometimes I just cry.  I pulled myself together and by the time BJ got home I was fresh faced again.  He doesn’t like it when I get over emotional like that so I try to keep it all to myself until I’m alone.  It makes him uncomfortable and he knows there’s nothing he can do to prevent the tears so I try to protect him from feeling like he can’t protect me…confusing, yes, but it works.  We also started clearing out the basement.  We have a huge load of stuff to take to the thrift store this weekend.  Once we do that he will have room to work down there whenever he feels like working.  It will be nice to get started on the basement finally.  I really need my scrapping space back.  :-)

Registering
We started a baby registry when we picked up the crib and dresser.  We picked out the bigger ticket items that we’d both need to agree on and then added some smaller things here and there.  It was so fun to watch BJ with the scanner…he walked passed a teddy bear and scanned it and looked at me with a sly smile on his face and said, “she needs a big bear”.  There are some things that I still need to research to make sure we didn’t pick something that got bad reviews.  There are many, many small things that still need to be added.  BJ said that he was fine with whatever I picked as far as bottles and breast pump and stuff like that go.  I don’t blame him for opting out of another big visit to the store.  It’s so overwhelming to have to choose what we want.  So here’s my question…I plan on nursing but know that I still need bottles.  What kind of bottles did you moms out there love or hate?  I want to make sure that baby girl isn’t getting too much air and that she’s getting a bottle that is as close to the breast as possible.  Also, are there things that you really couldn’t live without in the first several months?  What did you get that you had no use for?  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Melting

So you all heard about BJ feeling baby girl for the first time and now you get to hear about the Little Guy’s first experience.  We ordered pizza from Dom.ino’s on Sunday because we were so worn out from working in the basement we didn’t feel like cooking.  Anyway, I had 2 and half slices of pizza and the boys had pizza and wings and then we all crashed on the couch.  The LG always sits between us while we watch TV.  Baby girl started kicking and wiggling away in there.  I thought I’d take a chance and told the LG to give me his hand.  I lifted my shirt and gently placed his hand on my stomach.  I told him to be very still and concentrate.  Sure enough she kicked!  I asked him if he felt it and he said he did.  AWESOME!  Then she did it again.  Then BJ wanted a turn.  His hand is so much bigger and he knows what he’s expecting and he could feel her rolling around.  Then the LG wanted to try again.  He felt a very small kick and then couldn’t feel any more.  She was moving around a lot so she either liked the pizza or didn’t like the pizza.  Then the LG said to me, “it seems like she’s never going to get here.”  Awwwww…so sweet.  I assured him that she will be here before he knows it.

Worrying

I had my regular OB check up yesterday.  Now is the time she’ll start measuring me from the outside and I was very excited about that.  She showed me where my uterus was and how to feel  for it myself.  I thought that was very cool since I had been unable to detect it up until that point.  Baby girl’s heart beat was between 147 and 152 bpm, which was perfect.  When she measured me, however, I’m only measuring 21cm, which is basically 21 weeks.  I was 22 week and 5 days yesterday.  She said that at this stage it’s nothing to worry about as long as I’m within 2 week either way.  I scheduled my glucose test, my flu shot and my pertussis shot and was out the door.  Then the worry set in.  I did a little googling and decided that I wasn’t going to stress about it.  But of course that is easier said than done.  We had our anatomy scan less than 3 weeks ago and she measured exactly with her due date.  How is it possible that now I’m almost a full 2 weeks behind?  Then I started to worry about the amniotic fluid.  I know baby girl is fine, I feel her kicking and dancing and cartwheeling in there all the time…but what about the uterus?  Is it too small for her?  Will I go into pre-term labor and lose her?  Oh my gosh I’m tearing up just thinking about that.  Then the cashier in our cafeteria was amazed at how small I am for 5 months.  I almost started crying right there as she was giving me my change.  BJ has been trying to reassure me that everything is fine.  He even looked up pictures of 5 month pregnant women on his phone while at work to see how I compare with them.  He told me we have nothing to worry about right now.  We’ll see what happens at the next appointment before we start to worry about anything.  Yeah, easy for him to say.  So I will just have to pull out my mantra of “baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine” to get me through the next 4 weeks.  As I’m typing my baby girl is doing flips and spins to let me know she’s ok.  It’s not her I’m worried about right now.  It’s the uterus in which she calls home.  Anyone else have this experience that can set my mind at ease, at least a little?

Sweet, Sweet Moment

BJ has been trying to feel baby girl kicking for over 2 weeks now.   I had my laptop on my lap the other day and she kicked really hard and I jumped up and moved over to his side of the couch and grabbed his hand to put it on my belly.  Well of course I freaked him out because he didn’t know what was happening until it was too late.  Wouldn’t you know she didn’t kick that hard again?  BJ said I scared her when I jumped up, which I probably did.  There have been quite a few times that she’s kicked but he just can’t feel it.  He has pretty tough hands and I think that has been part of the issue.  He barely feels it when the cat bites him while a bite that hard would almost draw blood from my hands.

Last night we were on the couch and I told him to come over to my side because she was kicking.  He laid his hand across my belly and we waited.  I told him to put some pressure with his fingertips because it’s easier to feel when you are also pushing from the outside.  She kicked and I said, “Did you feel that??” He said, “I felt something!”  And he looked at me and his eyes were all aglow.  Then she kicked again and he felt it again.  We were both laughing at this point.  She seemed to settle down after that so the show was over unfortunately.  Then he leaned over and kissed my belly and said “that’s a good girl, kicking so daddy can feel you.”  My heart melted.  I was so happy he was finally able to feel her move.  I know that as she grows it will get easier and easier (heck, we’ll SEE my belly move eventually) but it was so nice for him to get to feel these early kicks.  I should also mention that his tone of voice when talking to baby girl was the same tone he uses when he talks to our cats…so cute to hear him use that affectionate voice.

Of course, then he says “I hope we didn’t hurt her by pressing on her.”  What a way to make me worry.  Especially since she hasn’t given me any big kicks since then.  I’ve felt her rolling a little bit but she is definitely not as active as she has been lately.  He’s got me thinking we hurt her in some way.  I searched online and it appears that we did not do anything that anyone else hasn’t done and everything is ok with them so I’ll have to assume that she’s fine in there.  Baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.

No big plans for the weekend but I’m taking Monday off to spend with the husband as it’s his 40^th birthday.  We might go out to dinner with his sister Saturday night to celebrate.  We have the LG this weekend so we need to figure out something to do.  Our little town does not offer much.  I’m just looking forward to sleeping in and hanging out with my boys…while my little girl tags along oblivious to it all.  Hope you all have a great weekend!

Never Safe

I had a whole different post to put up today but changed my mind.

I have 2 pregnancy apps on my phone and both of them have message boards.  I’ve never posted anything but in the beginning of my pregnancy I was visiting those boards about twice a day.  I wanted to read about other people’s symptoms and was really just excited to be able to visit a due date board.  Every once in a while a woman would post about having a miscarriage.  It was tough to read but I did it anyway…just to keep myself grounded and not let myself get too cocky.  I felt horrible for these women and then hoped that it would not happen to me.   After a while I stopped going to the boards.  I felt more comfortable with what I was feeling (physically) and started reading What to Expect.  As much as the book freaks me out it helps me, too.  I visit the boards maybe once a week or so.

I clicked over there yesterday and read a heartbreaking post about a woman (on the January board so within 4 weeks or so of my due date) that went in for her regular check-up and her son did not have a heartbeat.  I was on the bus when reading this and had to fight the tears from coming.  It was a wake-up call for sure.  I know all that can go wrong; I read enough tragic internet stories not to be naïve.  However, reading that post was like a slap in the face.  We are never safe.  There’s no magic that happens at 13 weeks that prevents horrible losses.  A loss can happen any time and without warning.  There’s a blog I read in which a woman went her whole pregnancy with no issues (suffered IF for 10 years and then did IVF) and had to be induced as she was passed her due date.  She had a very tough labor and then upon delivery she had a placental rupture and her dear son did not survive but a few hours after birth.  It’s gut wrenching to read her writing but it’s also very grounding.  We are never safe.

I was bold enough to buy something for the baby this past weekend.  I was at the store and felt this overwhelming urge to do something for my baby…to acknowledge that a baby will be joining our household in January.  I walked the aisles of the store looking for something gender neutral and was feeling disappointed that everything was either pink or blue or just not appropriate.  BJ came across a Redskins bib set and said that I should buy it.  I looked at it and thought it was perfect.  I held it and touched it ever so lightly and decided to buy it.  As we were standing in line I asked BJ if he thought it was too early to buy something and he said that we’ll be buying things in 3 weeks after the anatomy scan anyway so why not start now?  He also said that if it made me too nervous to put it back.  I put the bibs up on the belt and as the cashier scanned them I fought back tears.  They were tears of happiness and trepidation and relief all mixed together.  That night, BJ asked me if I wanted to listen to the baby.  Well duh.  It took him way too long to find the heartbeat but he did at last.  I was about to panic when he finally was able to zero in on the baby.  Both of us were confused as to why it was so hard to find when we had gotten so good at it.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief and I think BJ did, too.  I thought for sure that I had jinxed us by buying the bibs.  I know that’s not how it works but sometimes it’s hard to shake those feelings.  The bibs are sitting on the arm of the loveseat and my heart fills with joy every time I look over at them.  I touch them lightly as I walk by, too.  BJ wanted to hear the heart again on Monday.  I think he was a little shaken by our Saturday night experience and just wanted to check on things.  He said, “I’m going to find him right away this time…he’s not going to hide from me again.”  And wouldn’t you know as soon as the Doppler was placed on my belly we heard the heartbeat.  We were both relieved to say the least.

I thought that I felt a few flutters Friday night and Saturday evening (before the HB detection fiasco) but I haven’t felt anything since then.  I really wish the baby would start kicking with some regularity so that I could stop worrying so much.  I’m 18 weeks today and I’ve read that now is the time when most first timers start feeling those kicks.  After Saturday, I’m a little weary of the Doppler, which is ironic because we rented for peace of mind, not extra anxiety.

I know I have a long way to go and that I’m nowhere near safe from tragedy.  I just have to remind myself that worrying won’t stop anything bad from happening.  Nor will it make something bad more bearable.  I just have to keep hoping and praying that I won’t be one of the tragic stories.  I have to keep praying and hoping that our story will continue to flourish in positive ways.  I need to keep enjoying this pregnancy like I have been because it’s going by so fast for me.  I love this little baby and even though he/she is not here yet, he/she is already a part of our family.  BJ talks to it a couple of times a night and rubs my belly and it’s the best feeling in the world.  Now if we could just coax a few kicks out of our little one that would be icing on the cake.

Inner Thoughts of a Pregnant Infertile

I know I’ve been quiet lately.  That is partly due to how busy I am at work.  It is also partly due to the fact that all I seem to want to write about is pregnancy stuff.  There ARE other things going on in my life but the pregnancy stuff is mostly front and center with me.  I need to find a good balance of writing so I don’t bore everyone to tears.  However, today I’m going to let you into my brain so that you can see what a whack job I have become.  Also, in case any other pregnant infertiles think they are crazy they can read this and know that they are not alone…nor are they crazy.  At least I hope that we aren’t all crazy.

·         Smelling (fill in the blank) didn’t make me gag, the baby’s heart must have stopped.

·         My stomach is still very squishy and soft…the baby must not be growing.

·         I’ve been suffering a major headache since Friday evening…the baby’s heart must have stopped and my hormones are plummeting.

·         I can brush my teeth without having to stop mid-way through due to excessive gagging…the baby’s heart must have stopped.

·         I slept all night without having to get up to pee…the baby must not be growing.

·         I’m leaking a huge amount of something…I must be losing the baby.  (No blood or spotting, just the Endometrin deciding to come out all at once sometimes.)

·         I started reading What to Expect on my Kindle…I hope I didn’t jinx anything.

·         Tomorrow is my last day on ALL meds so of course something will go wrong now.

·         I just know that as soon as I tell my parents about the baby that something will go wrong so I will just keep this HUGE secret to myself until I hear the h/b at my OB appointment.

·         What if there is no heartbeat at my OB appointment?

·         What if I have to write a blog post and make all of my Internet friends sad?

·         I’m a terrible mother already because I have not been eating nearly as healthy as I should be…what if I’ve already damaged my baby?  That book I mentioned above almost had me in tears this morning as it was listing how much of each kind of food I should be eating that I’m not.

·         I also read that I could already have toxoplasmosis from my cats even though I haven’t touched their litter since just before transfer.  I’m going to ask to be tested for it at my OB appointment.  Again, how could I not be more educated on that matter?

·         I felt horrible after drinking half of my V8 this morning…the baby must be fine…and not fond of V8.

·         I could only eat half my dinner last night so the baby must be fine, right?

These are just some of the random/irrational thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  I have no reason to believe that anything is wrong in there.  I also do not dwell on these thoughts.  Most of these thoughts are followed up with “baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.”

I know my last post was pretty similar to this one and I thank you all for your reassuring words.  I also thank you for your support though this tricky time.  I really am ok most of the time.  BJ and I started to get the basement cleaned up because it will need to be mostly finished before the baby gets here.  The nursery (holy cow!) will be what is now holding my scrapping stuff and his hunting stuff so we’ll need a place to put all of that.  We will make a dump run this weekend and maybe even buy some 2x4’s to start framing.  It’s still unbelievable to me that we are making preparations to bring a baby in the house.  I know there is a long way to go and that I’m still only 9 weeks and 5 days along, but it feels so damn good to talk about the baby and the changes it will bring to our lives.  BJ is already thinking about daycare centers, gulp.  He told me the other day that he really wants to look at baby furniture online.  I told him he could and then he said that he didn’t want to jinx anything.  I guess men can have some of those crazy thoughts too.

I don’t really have much to report on the pregnancy front.  I still get an upset stomach at random times of the day.  It happens a lot at night right before bed.  I’ve thrown up once but I’m pretty sure it was due to the major headache I’ve had since Friday.  Although it’s slowly getting better.  I’m not craving anything strange.  I’ve gained 2.5 pounds so far but plans are in the works for healthier eating…see above about the book that almost made me cry.  I’m not showing at all, much to the chagrin of BJ and the Little Guy.  Both of them keep asking me when I’ll have a belly.  I’m still pretty tired and of course the boobs are still hurting.  I stop my Delestrogen and my Endometrin tomorrow.  Scary stuff but I will be glad to be done with the panty liners and the goo.

That’s about all for now.  I hope to write a real post about something other than pregnancy anxiety very soon.  Hang in there with me…I’m a pregnant infertile and I have a week to go until my first OB appointment.  I bet you can hardly wait.  J

Two Week Wait of Another Kind

I have 2 weeks until my first OB appointment.  I’ve already waited a week so actually I’m in a 3 week wait.  It’s excruciating.  I’m hoping that once I know things are still going ok in there the wait between appointments won’t be so bad.  However, I’ve read enough IF blogs to know that that is just wishful thinking.  It’s what I’m going with though.

This past weekend I was convinced that everything was over.  Every single symptom (just about) disappeared into thin air.  I was on the go from 10:00am to 3:30pm and was hardly tired at all.  There were no queasy moments, no smell aversions and I pretty much could eat everything I set out to eat.  My breasts were barely tender and I developed a headache in the afternoon.  This is the type of headache that I used to get just days before my period would start.  It signaled the nose-diving progesterone.  I haven’t had a headache in months.  I also did not experience any twinges, pinches or pains in my uterus.  I was sure that it was over.  I explained these fears to BJ and he wasn’t really sure how to react.  He said that he’s never heard of a woman complaining about not throwing up.  He also said that he’s sure that not everyone goes through their entire pregnancy in pain.  I gently accused him of not being supportive of my fears.  He then said that he was just trying to make me feel better.  He’s sweet but he’s never lived with a pregnant infertile.

For all the reasons above, I did not share the news with my parents when I called my dad for Father’s day on Sunday.  I chickened out.  Plus, they were at a fish fry with all of my cousins so it just didn’t feel right.  Sunday was a day of not feeling pregnant, too.  I tried not to dwell on it.  I tried my mantra many times – baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.  It just wasn’t working.

When Monday arrived I started having the upset stomach again.  YAY!!  It really put my mind at ease to say the least.  I was extremely tired throughout the day and evening.  I had some pinches and twinges in the uterus again, too.  All very exciting stuff, let me tell you.

Being pregnant after suffering infertility is really hard.  As happy as I am, I’m also scared to death.  Since my belly is not growing yet (other than the constipation bloat) the only proof I have of a life growing inside is (are?) my symptoms.  I know that they come and go and that I should be grateful for the days I feel good.  I am grateful, but for the next 2 weeks these symptoms are my saving grace.  When they go away, I get scared.  I think it’s pretty normal to feel this way.  In fact, I read a post in my reader yesterday that I could have written myself.  You can check it out here.  She’s a little further along than me but it’s nice to know that I’m not a crazy lady for having these feelings.

These next 2 weeks are going to be tough and I’m not sure how I’m going to distract myself to help keep my sanity make the time go by faster.  I suppose I will need to put on my patient hat and just suck it up.  There’s nothing else to do, right?  BJ said that they won’t let me come in just because I’m scared and I know he’s right.  I just wish that I had a doctor 5 minutes from my house that would let me sneak in and listen for a heartbeat.  Although, at 8w5d I don’t think I’d be able to hear it from the outside.  *sigh*

I’m doing ok today because my stomach is a little upset and that is always reassuring.  It’s those moments when I fear the worst that really suck.  We’ve been having fun talking about the baby and especially being open about it in front of the LG.  BJ asked me when we are going to start looking at baby furniture.  WHAT?  I told him at least not until after my OB appointment but probably not until later than that.  He doesn’t quite get it.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at anything baby related other than my baby center app on my phone.  It’s not like I’m sitting here expecting the worst.  I’m just not sitting here thinking everything is going to be hunky dory.  Does that make sense?

I’m in total awe that I am pregnant and I’m not taking one minute of it for granted.  I’m just scared that a shoe will drop and this will all come to an end.  If something like that were a rarity I wouldn’t worry so much.  However, as we all know, it happens way too often.  I am not naïve enough to think that it could never happen to me.  I just keep hoping and praying that everything is going like it should.  Say it with me…baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.

Friday Bullet Points

• The LG did not make the all-star team. I wasn’t there for the tryouts but BJ said it was a fiasco from the beginning. The poor kid gets himself so stressed out about being perfect that he ends up making mistakes. He felt horrible. I felt horrible for him. They asked to make him an alternate but we decided that would be torture. He’d go to all the practices and the game only to sit on the bench and hope for someone to get sick or hurt. That is not a cool position to be in and we felt it best to just remove him from the hurtful situation. We did, however, sign him up for a 4-day baseball camp next week and he’s excited about that. Whew! Distractions are great!


• His team played an awesome game yesterday and will now play in the championship game tomorrow! They had mediocre pitching and made some mistakes in the field and were down by 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th (last inning). One boy hit and got on base, another boy was walked and then another boy was walked. One of our better hitters got up and smacked the ball and drove in 3 runs while he was still on 3rd base. It was time for the LG to bat. He had been walked twice and hit a double earlier in the game. We didn’t have any outs. I was so nervous. I knew the winning run was on 3rd and hoped that the LG was able to hit the ball as a sacrifice and bring the 3rd base runner home. He was almost hit with a pitch and I hoped that he wouldn’t get walked. The next pitch came and he hit the ball into the infield by the pitcher. The pitcher scooped up the ball and instead of trying to hold the runner at 3rd (not a force out since no one was on 2nd) he threw the ball to first and got the LG out. We scored and won the game! It was so exciting. So now we play our last game of the season tomorrow. I hope we can pull it off. The team we are playing is tough to say the least. I don’t like their cocky attitudes and we have lost to them twice already. Wish us luck!

• I was finally able to get an appointment with my OB. I’m scheduled for July 3 at 1:15. That seems like an eternity away…I will have to put my patient hat on because there’s nothing I can do to change it.

• I also made an appointment for the scan with the MFM office. That appointment is not until the 16th! They said I’d have to meet with the genetics counselor due to my advanced maternal age. I had to fess up that we did DE and used a 22-year old’s eggs so that was not necessary. BJ said he’s coming to that appointment for sure. He was bummed about missing the last scan.

• I think I’m telling my parents this weekend. From the way I’m feeling I’m going to venture out on a limb and say that everything is still going good in there so it’s time to let them in on the joy.

• This weekend’s weather is supposed to be spectacular. I can’t wait as I love the lower humidity and the sunshine. Tomorrow morning will be a perfect time to work out in the yard since last weekend it was too hot and muggy to do so. My flowers need trimmed so that more can grow. I’m so happy with my petunias…I put 2 small plants in each pot on our porch and they are over flowing with blooms. I love it!

• Sunday is Father’s Day and I have nothing planned for BJ. We are picking the LG up around 2:00 or so and will probably go and get some steamed crabs, but other than that…I got nothin’. There’s really nothing to buy him and a card will get read and then put aside. I think spending time with his son is the most important thing anyway.

• The sadness that has engulfed the blogosphere this week is truly upsetting. I’m a follower of one of the ladies that suffered a horrible loss but do not know the other 2. However, my heart breaks for them and their families. And selfishly, I fear for myself. I can’t imagine their pain or what they are going through…it seems unbearable. I told BJ about it and told him that I guess we’re never really safe. It sucks that these bad things happen to such good people. And it’s not like I can stick my head in the sand and just ignore the possibility that this could happen to us. I’m not going to dwell on it but it’s always there in my mind. I’m so very sorry that these ladies have to endure these tragedies. It really does break my heart.

• I’m always touched by the support and encouragement I get from my readers. I am so grateful to have you all out there. You know exactly how to lift my spirits and put my mind at ease. I love opening my e-mail and seeing messages from you. Especially those of you whom I have not heard from on your own blogs in a long time. I love it when you drop in and wish me well. Thank you all! I hope you have a good weekend or at least as good of one as you can.

Telling the News

There are many differing opinions regarding when and to whom to share the news of a pregnancy. In the normal, fertile world I don’t know that keeping a pregnancy a secret until you hit 12 weeks is the norm or not. I know many people that have spilled the beans a lot sooner without a second thought. That is all fine and good in their world. My world, the Infertile world, is a little different…at least in my opinion.


I was sure that as soon as I saw a heartbeat I would want to share the news with the people closest to us. Then I had the bleeding scare. And then I thought about all the blogs I have read over the years where women have lost babies at 7, 8, 9 and as late as 12 weeks. That does not count the other losses even later than that due to other complications. It’s very scary. I know that if I lose this baby (please don’t let that happen) I will be devastated. I really did not want to inflict any pain on anyone else that might love this baby, too. Given all of that, I decided that I wanted to wait until I was at least 10 weeks before telling those people closest to us. People like the Little Guy, BJ’s sister, my parents. My husband had a different plan.

He cannot keep a secret to save his life. As soon as he knows something he has to call me or text me or come running in the house to tell me. It’s crazy. So he decided to tell the Little Guy about the baby as long as everything went well at our u/s. I told him that I wasn’t sure about this but was over ruled so I had to think fast and think of a way to make it memorable. After a 2 ½ hour commute home and a terrible experience at KFC picking up dinner, I finally made it home. I was exhausted to say the least. So we ate dinner and the LG went to clean up. I asked BJ if we were still telling him and he confirmed that we were. I asked him if he had thought about a cool way to tell him but he had just planned on blurting it out. I said, “No way. I’ve waited way too long for this moment to just blurt it out. Let me tell him.” So the LG came back to the kitchen and we were standing around the table. BJ told him we had something to talk to him about. Then I started…

Me – In January…you are…going to be…a big brother

LG – Really?

Me – Yep

LG – Cool

BJ – She’s trying to tell you that she’s pregnant

LG – I figured….cool. When did you find out?

Me – On my birthday

LG – That’s cool

BJ – It’s still pretty early, and sometimes miscarriages happen but we’re really hoping that it won’t.

Me – We saw the heartbeat today…here’s the picture

LG – That’s it? (pointing at the spec on the u/s picture) Cool.

BJ – You can tell your mom if you want. We haven’t told anyone else but you yet.

LG – Cool

And then he was off to play video games. Not the cute, creative way I would have liked, but he seemed good with it. There’s more to this story and I’ll get there in a minute.

The next day was his baseball game and his mom came with her new boyfriend (which I really need to write about), her dad and her boyfriend’s daughter. We didn’t sit together this time, thank goodness so I didn’t really talk to her at all. We learned that they had plans to go to the amusement park the next day and so we figured that the LG might be too preoccupied to say anything to his mom. We also weren’t sure if he’d say anything in front of the new boyfriend. After the game we were driving home and BJ’s text alert played. It was her. She was congratulating him. She thinks it’s awesome that the LG will have a half brother or sister. I then told BJ that we could not wait to tell his sister until we saw her in person because she and the LG’s mother are FB friends. We called my SIL the next day and put her on speaker phone. She was playing video games with her kids. I shouted out that we are having a baby. She freaked out. It was such a great reaction. She told the kids to play for her because she had to go. She kept saying things like “are you kidding?” “you’re joking, right?” She was so happy for us. Then she asked if it was “natural”. I told her that we had help but that everything looked good so far. We talked for a while and I promised to keep her updated on everything.

That Monday, the LG’s mom sent me an e-mail to congratulate me and tell me how excited he was to tell her. She said that his butt had hardly hit the seat of the truck before the news came flying out of his mouth. I was so touched. He has made a couple of comments over the years about how he likes being the only kid so I was worried that he’d be upset. I think he’s old enough now to where we won’t have any jealousy issues. He’ll make a great big brother, I’m sure of it.

So that’s how the telling went so far. I’m probably going to wait until after Tuesday to tell my parents. If everything still looks really good then I may go ahead and spill the beans to them. I’m not 100% sure yet. Of course, BJ can’t wait until I give him the all clear to make his FB announcement. I will not be doing that but he wants to so I guess he will. That kind of announcement will just have to wait a few more weeks.

In other news…I received a folder in the mail from the clinic. They congratulated me on my pregnancy and provided a slew of helpful information regarding how to stave off nausea and some things that are ok for pregnancy and some things that are not. They also gave me a form to give my OB and a form to fill out and send back to them after delivery. After delivery? I’m only 7 weeks and they sent me a form for after delivery? Wow…It’s almost like I’m a regular pregnant lady. I like it. It scares me, but I like it. They also want me to stop my PIO shots tomorrow and switch over to Endometrin. I’m to continue my Delestrogen until 6/27 and at that point I can stop all medications. Double wow.

I will admit, I’m a bit nervous. I was doing ok because I was starting to feel a little nausea here and there so I was comfortable knowing that everything was going ok. However, I haven’t had any nausea today and there haven’t been any smells that have made me gag today. I’m sure it’s just one of those things that just comes and goes, but it still makes me nervous. I have to wait until Tuesday to see my little bean again and it’s going to be a long wait. Fingers crossed and prayers said that everything is still going good in there.

Weekend Recap and More Worries

I had such a nice weekend. We had the Little Guy with us this weekend until Monday morning. We went to dinner Friday night where I cashed in my free birthday coupon at Ruby’s. On Saturday I did my usual cleaning in the morning and then we went to BJ’s nephew’s birthday party. It was hard not to say anything to BJ’s sister but since we hadn’t really discussed it beforehand, neither of us said anything. We were there for about 5 hours and I was wiped out by the time we got home.


On Sunday we did some yard work and BJ washed my truck. Later, we went to get some crabs to steam up at home…yummy! And as I was eating my 3rd crab I was fear stricken. Am I allowed to eat crabs? Do they have mercury? Right over to the computer I went. I found out that I can “enjoy” (their word) up to 2 6oz servings a week. Whew! Seafood is actually good for you during pregnancy as long as you don’t eat the wrong kind. I finished eating and went out to the porch while they boys were still picking away. I almost fell asleep out there which would have been a little embarrassing had anyone come over. As we were cleaning up I carried one of the chairs upstairs and BJ yelled up to me to stop carrying things. I said the chair was light and it was ok. I like that he’s so cautious about this. He went to the neighbor’s house and I ended up falling asleep on the couch for just over an hour!

Monday, the Little Guy’s mother picked him up at 10:00 and BJ and I headed down to where we used to live by the water to walk the boardwalk and get some soft-serve ice cream. On our way, we decided to stop and look at a mini-van. It was really nice, but I don’t see us being able to get one. BJ will just have to get a cap for his truck and we’ll have to make due for the next couple of years or so. The van had some great features, though. I know why they are so popular after checking one out.

There were many references to the “baby” over the weekend. Always when the LG was not within ear shot, though. We said things like “This time next year, we’ll have an infant sitting on the porch with us.” And then he said things like “You’ll really be showing when we go to the fair this year. You’ll either want to eat everything in sight or you’ll be sickened by all the smells of the mixture of foods.” And then when I commented on how tired I was I was greeted with this sentence “That’s because you’re pregnant….I like saying that.” I like hearing him say it. I’m still trying to get used to it being said about me. My heart knows it’s true but my mind is still adjusting. I’ve been trying to get to this point for about 11 years and now that it’s finally here…wow.

When I called to make my u/s appointment I felt like I was going to throw up. Not from pregnancy sickness but from saying the words out loud – I need to make my 6 week ultrasound appointment – those types of things bring on the anxiety. It’s like I’m afraid to admit it out loud. I’m afraid of jinxing something. I know that it doesn’t work that way but it’s still a fear I have. I even called my thyroid doctor to get my TSH levels checked because I’m pregnant. I had to cancel my yearly pap appointment and explain that I’m pregnant and still being seen by the clinic. Just typing all of this out has made my stomach want to purge. I want this so badly and the thought of not having a heartbeat Friday is scaring the crap out of me. I’m constantly pushing and poking and grabbing my breasts to see how sore they are. I keep hoping for a little queasiness just so I know things are still going ok in there. I’m scared to look at the toilet paper each time I use the bathroom. Believe it or not, I’m trying really hard to focus on the good things. I had VERY strong betas. I’m still tired like crazy. I’m still getting cramps on and off each day. My breasts are still very tender. Although, I don’t think they’ve grown at all. I think maybe I’ve been tainted by all the bad stories I read online. I’m not sailing through this blissfully ignorant to all that can go wrong. I wish I were so blind. I was bold enough to download the baby center app to my phone. It took me 2 or 3 days to log in, though. I don’t like the fear. I don’t like the anxiety. It doesn’t do any good. There’s nothing I can do (or not do) at this point to keep things on track. I have to try and have faith that there is still life in me and that it’s growing and thriving as it should be. It’s not like I’m sitting around thinking only negative thoughts. I’m so excited to be pregnant. I’ve never been this pregnant before and it takes my breath away to think about all the possibilities. I am exceptionally happy right now. I’m also very scared that all of this will be taken away from me.

Our appointment is at 8:00am on Friday. BJ will be with me. He wants to tell the LG Friday night as long as everything goes good. I don’t know that I’m ready for that but he doesn’t want to keep it from his son any longer. I have to admit that we had to catch ourselves a few times this weekend with him around. We don’t want to slip up and have him find out accidentally. That would be bad. So, as long as we get a good report I guess we’ll be telling the LG Friday night that he’s going to be a big brother in January. Fingers crossed. Please, please, please let this come to fruition.