Tuesday, May 22, 2012

14dp5dt - The Fear is Upon Me

I have no new symptoms to report so it’s sort of hard to wrap my head around the fact that I’m pregnant. I still find it weird to type those words. I’m still very sleepy. I still have sore breasts. I still don’t have much of an appetite although I’m not queasy or anything. I’m still waking up before 5:00am unable to get back to sleep. I’m not cramping as much but at this point I will take that as a good sign because the last thing I need to worry about is cramping right now.

I was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S yesterday and it was the episode where Rachel is leaving for Paris and she can’t say good-bye to Ross. She bursts into his apartment and they have a heated discussion as she gets more and more teary eyed. My eyes also started welling up with tears. I told BJ, “I think I’m going to cry.” He laughed and said “that’s because you’re growing a baby in there” and pointed to my stomach. There was something else we were watching and the same thing happened. He just laughed again. I guess my hormones really are starting to change.

BJ started searching the internet for minivans last night. He drives an F150 and I drive a Trailblazer. He’s convinced that we will need a van because 1) it will be too hard to get a baby seat in and out of either of our vehicles and 2) he doesn’t want to drive my vehicle on the weekends because mine is the easier of the 2 in that regard. He said, “it gives me something to do”. It will be a long time before we need a minivan but I think he wants to feel like he’s doing something, you know?

I know I need to take this one day at a time and just go with the flow but I’m really nervous about tomorrow’s beta. I’m scared that it won’t be good and tHhat this pregnancy is doomed. I have no real reason to think that but there it is. I keep hearing this little voice telling me to wise up and realize that this isn’t real. That voice is laughing at me for being so excited. That evil little voice is just waiting to tell me “I told you so”. I’m trying not to listen and I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard. It’s so hard to believe that this is happening to ME. The thought that I might actually get to hold my own newborn child in January is still so foreign to me. I think most Infertiles go through this process but now that it’s happening to me I don’t know how to get over the fear. It’s almost too good to be true. I’m praying and hoping with everything I have that tomorrow’s number is increasing just like it should be. I told BJ that if it’s a good number that I might not have to take any more blood tests and that I might actually get to schedule an ultrasound. Please, oh please let tomorrow’s number be good. For right now I’m still living in hopeland. I’m still in shock that I’m pregnant with a first beta of just over 800…unreal. Deep breaths, TeeJay…deep breaths.


Auntie Sissy said...

My fingers are crossed! I do understand the fear. I am sending positive vibes for an awesome beta tomorrow. Congrats on the pregnancy! Big hugs!

Samantha said...

I think fear is a normal emotion in your situation. With each step forward in your pregnancy, it will feel more real. But even then, it doesnt feel really real until your holding your baby.

You are pregnant and it's awesome! Good luck tomorrow.

Pie said...

Yes, dear, keep up with those deep breaths. And as for the fear...I don't know that it ever truly goes away. It morphs into something else, but as you will find out, fear is part of being a parent too.

As since I didn't get a chance to comment yesterday - 800???? That is one CRAZY high beta. You have a little overachiever in there. I should have known with that supermodel-looking blast pic.

Good luck tomorrow - post your number as soon as you can - I'll be refreshing all day.

Leslie said...

After all you have experienced, Fear is very natural!! Thinking of you. Can not wait to hear about beta #2.

Kate said...

I know exactly how you feel. I couldn't sleep last night because of the worry that was creeping in.

But, for now, we are both pregnant. Hoping we stay that way!

Anonymous said...

Good luck for your Beta today!
Happy ICLW :)

Anonymous said...

Feeling this scared is completely normal.
Keep breathing.
Also? I suggest getting as much stuff set up to keep you distracted as possible!

someday-soon said...

I didn't believe it was real until I was about 20 weeks. I know it's just so hard to believe after struggling for so long. For me, this time between a positive beta and a 1st u/s was the toughest wait. Hang in there!!!

newbie said...

OMG, congrats TeeJay, you are SO pregnant!! I'm just tuning back in after a brief blog hiatus, and I am so happy for you!

Hang in there, it is kinda nerve-wracking in the early weeks but your beta is so high that's a great sign!

Augusta said...

I look forward to reading the new beta. I have a very good feeling about it.
I think your fears are so completely warranted given where you've come from. So you can nod to your fears, and then also work with the facts. The facts are that you are pregnant and that your first beta was excellent.

Alex said...

The fear of early pregnancy, especially after infertility, is so very true - and common! I hate that we can't simply be happy, but you have to just take it one day at a time, and just try to make it through. Fingers crossed for an amazing beta!!!!

And I love my Sienna... :)