Friday, May 11, 2012

3dp5dt - Infertility is Greedy

Great news from my nurse regarding our left over embryos. Of the 8 that were remaining, 4 of them made it to freeze! Can you believe that? I was beyond happy to get that news. I asked her if she could tell me the grade of the frosties. She said that the highest they can be is XBAA and all 4 of ours are XBAB. Not too shabby, right? Now for the downer part of the post. Or more accurately, the reality of what this means.

Anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile knows all about what I’m about to say. Infertility is greedy. IF loves to just take and take and take and all too many times does not give anything back. Unless you count hope but most times it’s just false hope so that doesn’t count as giving.

It doesn’t matter how put together a woman is or how educated or how sophisticated she might be, when IF strikes it tries to take everything.

Self esteem

Not to mention the emotional drain and the strains on a marriage. IF tries to take it ALL from us. We have to fight so hard to hang onto these things that it can be utterly exhausting to do so. I’m sure that the list could be added to but this is what I came up with today. And hearing the news of my frosties reminded me of something else IF has taken from me: A chance at another child.

I had said for a long time (before actually TTC) that I only wanted 1 child. When my first husband and I started trying we were still pretty sure we’d just have one. As time went on and we struggled I realized that I didn’t want just 1 and that we’d better get on the ball so we could have 2. Then we split and I hooked up with a man that had a 4 year old. When that 4 year old turned 5 we decided to try to have our own. Now that the 4 year old is almost 11 and my husband turns 40 this year…that will not be happening. I know that 2 small children in this stage in our lives would be a lot to handle. I’m not naive about that fact. I didn’t want my child to be an only child. Yes, we have the Little Guy but there will be quite an age difference and I don’t see them being particularly close or able to play together the way siblings that are closer in age can. Also, I am mourning the loss of a second (please let this be my first) full term pregnancy. I won’t be able to learn things from this pregnancy for my next pregnancy. I only get one shot at this. I’m grateful to have this shot, please do not think I’m not grateful. I just know from reading other blogs that the desire to do it again is there and it’s strong. I wish I could say that I thought I could talk my husband into using the frosties (assuming this one takes and I’m not trying to jinx anything) to add to our family and have 2 full siblings running around the house. After a comment he made last night I am fairly certain that if we are so lucky to get a child this time that it will be our only one.

He said that after this baby is born (he’s still as hopeful as me about this) that he’s going to get snipped. He already has stated numerous times how he feels like he’s too old to start over with a child right now. I know he wants it but he wanted it more a few years ago. Join the club. If we were successful a few years ago maybe we’d be able to have another one. I don’t believe that will be happening.

So while I’m ecstatic about having 4 frosties, the thought of leaving them there or destroying them has made me very sad. And it’s not that I don’t want the one that is in me, I want them all, trust me. I’m hoping the one in me has snuggled in nice and deep and that I’ll see its little face on an u/s and hear its wonderful heartbeat and eventually hold it in my arms in January. It’s just that IF has taken the possibility for another child from me. And that is hard to handle, especially since we have 4 good looking blasts on ice. If this cycle doesn’t work then I have great hope that one of those frosties will become my child. It’s a very conflicting position to be in, that’s for sure. I hope this cycle works but if it does then those other embryos that fought to survive will be left all alone. If this cycle doesn’t work then we have 4 more chances just from the frosties. In my heart of hearts I want this cycle to work. Everyone should have the dilemma of having 4 embryos on ice, right? It’s just so unfair that IF put us in this position. No one ever taught IF to stop being so greedy.

Symptom Check (just so we end on a lighter note)

- The boobs are hurting more. I know this is because of the progesterone but my goodness are they sore.

- Last night I had some very strong “menstrual” cramps going on. They lasted about 3 minutes.

- I’ve had some twinges, but on both sides, so I’m thinking it doesn’t mean anything either way.

- I’m pretty tired. Again, I’m sure it’s the progesterone.

Other than that, there really isn’t anything to report. Today would have been the final day of implantation. Real growth should be starting tomorrow. I think I might actually test before my birthday after all. I’m thinking I will test on the 16th or 17th. I will not be at work on the 18th so I can use that day to mourn or to celebrate. I will be by myself until BJ gets home from work and since it’s my birthday, I can spend it however I wish. So I can lie on the couch all day and not have to put on a happy face for anyone. Or I can flitter about the house full of hope and happiness. Either way, we’ll be going out to dinner because it’s my birthday and I will either be really happy that I can’t drink or I’ll want to have a couple of drinks. Those are my feelings right now; we’ll see what really happens next week.


Rebecca said...

I really hope that the embie is snuggling in for the long haul. Good luck!

Alex said...

1st - congratulations on getting 4 frosties! It really is nice to have a back-up plan...

But yes, I completely understand your thoughts on the greediness of IF. I have a similar situation. I have 5 embies on ice, and I want one more child. I plan on transferring 2 at my next FET, but I really don't want twins... And then what happens when/if it works? What do I do with the remaining embies? It's awful to think about, so I try not to think about it, and just block it out of my mind. Not the most mature or reasonable thing to do, but I figure I'll think about it when it's actually necessary. WHEN I have my two children (or in your case one) in my arms.

So let's talk about this next year, ok? AFTER you get your baby! :) Keep that embryo warm!!!

Pie said...

It is hard to think about, having frosties that might not get used by you. I am maybe in that boat too. For now, they are insurance (I get 3 more tries!) but if the next FET works...well then what? I think about donating them for research, so that maybe they can help towards developing new science that will help others that have IF in the future.

But it is sad...

someday-soon said...

Congratulations on your 4 frosties!!! I know it's so hard in this IF struggle not to think of a plan B and what will you do with these frosties...but try as hard as you can to take it one step at a time. You don't know how you or your DH will feel once you have a baby in your arms. And that will happen my friend =)

Augusta said...

glad that you have embryos to freeze. 4 of them seems like cake AND icing. I can see why you are grateful.
Those other questions are tough to wrestle with, especially since you don't know exactly how the rest of the story will unfold. Trust that you and your DH will make the best decisions at the time you need to make them.

p.s. I hope you are starting to be nauseous or tomato-averse by now.

EndoJourney said...

I don't think that makes you greedy at all. Just because we have the limitations of IF doesn't mean we should stop dreaming big. You have every right to want to think about the future and what you would have wanted vs. what you will be getting. There's a lot of grief that comes with IF and the more you honor that the more ready you're going to be to cherish the little embie that's hopefully snuggled in really well!