Monday, May 7, 2012

The Wind and My Sails

There are so many highs and lows of trying to get (and stay) pregnant. To say that it’s a roller coaster is a good comparison. Another good comparison would be sailing. Along comes a great breeze that fills the sails and moves you forward toward the known (and the unknown, sometimes). You get a breath of fresh air as you are making progress forward...the wind on your face and your hair blowing about. Then all at once the wind dies down and you are now just coasting along until you come to a virtual stop...out in the middle of nowhere. The sails are limp, your eyes are watering and your hair is a tangled mess. You aren’t sure where you are. You don’t see land anywhere and you start to feel very alone and very isolated. All you have is time to sit and think about your plight. And then comes the wind again and you are plowing through the waves full of anticipation and excitement. I think you get my point.

That is sort of what I feel right now. I was going along just great and I feel like the wind has virtually abandoned my sails. I e-mailed my nurse to ask her if she could tell me about my embryos. She responded that all 9 are growing and that she will see me tomorrow. AWESOME news, right? I was floating on air, sailing right along. Not 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was the clinic’s main number. My doctor was on the other end. He was full of enthusiasm and it was great. He said that everything was looking good and the only question left was whether we are going to transfer 1 or 2?

Me – the plan is to transfer 1, assuming that the quality is good.

Dr. M – that’s a great plan. I won’t be there for the transfer as I’m at a conference but I wanted to touch base with you before tomorrow. Things are moving along just as they should be.

Me – I know, it’s very exciting. So you think we’ll have 3 or 4 good looking blasts tomorrow?

Dr. M – mmmm....I think that’s a bit optimistic. You will probably get 1 or 2 and then we’ll see what happens on day 6 to see what you have to freeze. I suspect there will be a couple.

Ok. And that’s when it hit me. The embryos must not look that great. And oh yeah, we are not the only recipients. There are at least 15 more eggs out there (accounting for the fact that maybe we didn’t all the get the same number of eggs...I would have only gotten 1 more than the #2 recipient and she would have only gotten 1 more than the 3rd in line). Statistically speaking, when you harvest a lot of eggs only some of them are really good...a lot of them don’t make it to blast stage let alone to freeze. And if they were looking really good then Dr. M. would have been more optimistic about how many we would have tomorrow and how many we’d have left over. The thought of only have 1 or 2 good eggs out of 9 is frightening to me. I’m scared. What if we don’t even get 1? What if I’m heading up there tomorrow and they call me and tell me never mind, better luck next time? Oh I’m a mess right now.

My rear end is really sore and I’m hormonal and I’m so hoping that we are able to transfer tomorrow. Being able to freeze anything would be icing on the cake. I feel like I could throw up right now. I know I’m probably over reacting (see above where I mention being hormonal) but we’ve come so far and to have the wind taken out of my sails like that was so disheartening.

It’s going to be a long evening as I know I will be thinking about those embryos constantly. I will update tomorrow afternoon...WHEN I GET HOME FROM TRANSFERING 1 BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BLAST. I have to try and keep that thought racing through my head instead of the negative ones trying to take over. Fingers crossed and prayers a plenty.


Esperanza said...

Oh the doldrums. I am SO there right now.

Keeping all appendages crossed for tomorrow.

someday-soon said...

Take a deep breath! My embryologist said to expect a 30 fall of rate at each step as the average(if 10 are retrieved, 7 will fertilize and 5 will grow normally and make it to blast). You've already beaten those odds in a huge way. It sounds to me like your doc is just trying to be conservative with your expectations. RE's learn to do that over time I too many patients having lost it on them most likely. Plus it's very common to grow them to need one more day to reach blast stage...the best of my frosties was in that situation and we'll be transferring it in July =) Don't count your blasts until they hatch mama!

Alex said...

This whole process is so very scary! Try not to get too caught up in the ups and downs... But I know, it's like asking you not to breathe.

Thinking of you and your embryos. Let us know how it goes after YOU TRANSFER 1 BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BLAST!!!!

unaffected said...

FX for you! Looking forward to tomorrow's update!

Samantha said...

Thinking of you!

Pie said...

Deep breaths, deep breaths. I think your RE is just managing expectations. You will certainly have a blast tomorrow, and most likely some to freeze. I can't wait to hear ho it all goes tomorrow, I will be sending you all my positive thoughts, good wishes and sticky vibes!!

Patience said...

Thinking positive thoughts for you tomorrow!

Augusta said...

You are probably at the clinic right now. I'm picturing you calm and optimistic, ready to welcome that perfect blast home for the next 38 weeks.
I feel like it would be very unlikely not to get a viable embryo out of 9 eggs. When we did DE last year, we got 6 eggs and when I expressed the same fear, the staff were saying it would be very unlikely not to have anything to transfer. Hence why I'm imagining you in the stirrups at this moment, receiving the precious gift.
I continue to believe that all will go well.

Fran said...

This is so scary and so normal (it's scary!). But just to tell you, my clinic REFUSES to give updates between fert report and transfer day UNLESS they see things are bad. The fact that the nurse told you that you still had 9 growing means the embryologist has not given up on any of them just yet and you may well get many more to freeze. For now focus on tomorrow and then you WILL get a call to tell you about the little penguins you will have to try for baby number 2. Think positive. Love, Fran

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to hear how everything is going. It's so scary and stressful, but I hope that soon you are looking forward to better days!

HopeBPatient said...

I am so incredibly excited for you! Can't wait to hear how the transfer went. Hang in there in these 2 weeks of waiting. I know it's so hard. But, we're all here hoping with you!

Rebecca said...

I'm hopeful that you'll still have a few to freeze.