There are so many highs and lows of trying to get (and stay) pregnant. To say that it’s a roller coaster is a good comparison. Another good comparison would be sailing. Along comes a great breeze that fills the sails and moves you forward toward the known (and the unknown, sometimes). You get a breath of fresh air as you are making progress forward...the wind on your face and your hair blowing about. Then all at once the wind dies down and you are now just coasting along until you come to a virtual stop...out in the middle of nowhere. The sails are limp, your eyes are watering and your hair is a tangled mess. You aren’t sure where you are. You don’t see land anywhere and you start to feel very alone and very isolated. All you have is time to sit and think about your plight. And then BLAM....here comes the wind again and you are plowing through the waves full of anticipation and excitement. I think you get my point.
That is sort of what I feel right now. I was going along just great and I feel like the wind has virtually abandoned my sails. I e-mailed my nurse to ask her if she could tell me about my embryos. She responded that all 9 are growing and that she will see me tomorrow. AWESOME news, right? I was floating on air, sailing right along. Not 10 minutes later my phone rang and it was the clinic’s main number. My doctor was on the other end. He was full of enthusiasm and it was great. He said that everything was looking good and the only question left was whether we are going to transfer 1 or 2?
Me – the plan is to transfer 1, assuming that the quality is good.
Dr. M – that’s a great plan. I won’t be there for the transfer as I’m at a conference but I wanted to touch base with you before tomorrow. Things are moving along just as they should be.
Me – I know, it’s very exciting. So you think we’ll have 3 or 4 good looking blasts tomorrow?
Dr. M – mmmm....I think that’s a bit optimistic. You will probably get 1 or 2 and then we’ll see what happens on day 6 to see what you have to freeze. I suspect there will be a couple.
Ok. And that’s when it hit me. The embryos must not look that great. And oh yeah, we are not the only recipients. There are at least 15 more eggs out there (accounting for the fact that maybe we didn’t all the get the same number of eggs...I would have only gotten 1 more than the #2 recipient and she would have only gotten 1 more than the 3rd in line). Statistically speaking, when you harvest a lot of eggs only some of them are really good...a lot of them don’t make it to blast stage let alone to freeze. And if they were looking really good then Dr. M. would have been more optimistic about how many we would have tomorrow and how many we’d have left over. The thought of only have 1 or 2 good eggs out of 9 is frightening to me. I’m scared. What if we don’t even get 1? What if I’m heading up there tomorrow and they call me and tell me never mind, better luck next time? Oh I’m a mess right now.
My rear end is really sore and I’m hormonal and I’m so hoping that we are able to transfer tomorrow. Being able to freeze anything would be icing on the cake. I feel like I could throw up right now. I know I’m probably over reacting (see above where I mention being hormonal) but we’ve come so far and to have the wind taken out of my sails like that was so disheartening.
It’s going to be a long evening as I know I will be thinking about those embryos constantly. I will update tomorrow afternoon...WHEN I GET HOME FROM TRANSFERING 1 BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT BLAST. I have to try and keep that thought racing through my head instead of the negative ones trying to take over. Fingers crossed and prayers a plenty.