Monday, March 21, 2011

Changes All Around

Friday was a really hard day for me.  It was my boss's last day.  I was an emotional mess to say the least.  My entire work life has changed.  I tried to have a conversation with her about my new boss and what my concerns were and I couldn't even speak.  The emotions were running too high.  I was on the verge of tears all day.  It came time for me to leave and she had someone in her office.  Neither of us wanted to say good-bye.  It was good that I was running late for my bus and that she had someone in with her.  We hugged, cried and tried to say something to each other but the only things coming out were tears.

The staff gathered together for cupcakes and stories and good-byes.  Of course, my cell phone started ringing in the middle of everything.  I ran out of the room to answer my nurse's call.  She said that my calendar had changed just a little bit.  I will now be on bcp for only 14 days.  I have an appointment on 4/2 for u/s and b/w.  As long as everything is ok, I will start my microdose Lupron (20 units) on 4/4 every 12 hours.  I will do this for 2 days.  On the third day I will start my FSH injections and my Menopur.  I will do this for 3 days and then return to the office for monitoring.  Further dosing instructions will follow after that appointment.  They have a tentative ER set for 4/17 and a tentative transfer date of either 4/20 or 4/22.

This changes my timeline a lot....of course if all goes as planned.  And I know from experience that things don't usually go as planned for me.  We shall see.  If we could do an ER on 4/17 that would be awesome because it's a Sunday and no one would have to miss work.  And if by some miracle we make it to a 5 day transfer that would be Good Friday and I'm already off that day.  BJ wouldn't go with me for the transfer so he wouldn't have to miss any work.  Another reason to root for a 4/17 ER is that we have the Little Guy that weekend but we could arrange for him to stay at his cousin's Saturday night and then just pick him up on our way home and no one has to be any wiser on what we are doing.  It all sounds good, right?

So there I was, feeling very excited about my cycle starting and very sad about my boss was a very conflicting afternoon indeed.

Our neighbors had their baby on 3/14.  These are the neighbors that had been trying for quite a while for #3 and that I spilled my guts to last Spring about our IF woes.  I went to her shower last month.  We kept meaning to go over and see the baby but we have been really busy.  The one time we were really ready to go over there both mommy and baby had just fallen asleep.  Anyway, they popped over to our house yesterday evening.  I wasn't prepared for that...I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner.  The dad had the baby and when I stepped up to look at her he handed her to me.  She is the spitting image of her joke.  She's cute and small and wriggly.  Here's the strange part...I didn't really feel anything when I held her.  I wasn't sad, I wasn't bitter, I wasn't excited, I wasn't filled with hope...nothing, nada, zilch.  I just talked to her and touched her little nose and tried to stop her from gouging out her own eyes.  This is a change for me.  I usually avoid holding babies...especially ones that are not family.  I don't think I have held a newborn since our niece was born almost 4 years ago.  I wasn't filled with the "wanting to eat you up" syndrome either.  It was very strange.  I felt very detached and unaffected.  I'm worried about what that means for me.  I don't know if that means I have given up hope or that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  Maybe it means my heart is starting to heal and accept that I won't have a baby of my own.  That can't be it because I got tears in my eyes when I typed that sentence.  My heart has accepted no such thing.  At least not yet.

I have a meeting with my new boss at 2:00 today.  I have some questions and I hope I can come out of there feeling a little less lost.  There's so much change happening around me that I'm having a hard time keeping up.  I need to find a way to relax and release the stress so that my body is ready for this IVF project.  I don't want to look back and have regrets and wonder what would have happened if I had just "relaxed" a little.  I know the word "relax" can be an Infertile's least liked word, but I've seen proof recently that relaxing might actually play a roll in this stupid game.


Amanda said...

Aww, that sounds so sad. She must have been a wonderful person to work with. I really hope you find the same thing in your new boss. Good luck today!

I know what you mean about holding babies. I find I'm becoming more numb to the experience lately...maybe it's a protection mechanism? Who knows...

someday-soon said...

Sorry Friday was so hard with your boss leaving. I hope this week helps you figure out a little more what your new normal will be there. Good news about your IVF cycle. For my BCPs were the worst part so it's nice that will cut short. Your protocol sounds like the one I was on. Same timing and meds.

For me holding babies during TTC was always a little numbing. I think the PPs right and it's a protection mechanism. {{{HUGS}}}

Anonymous said...

I hope the meeting with your new boss went well! Friday sounds horribly, emotionally draining! Those days are the worst :(.