You read that right...I'm on CD2. No 2 lines. No baby. Actually, no lines at all because I didn't test, but you get the picture. Another failure. It's never ending. And it sucks donkey balls. I had a 26 day cycle which is good. Ovulating on CD10 is not so good, but whatever.
I went to see my cardiologist Monday afternoon. I'd been having chest pains. I kept this fact from BJ as he worries a lot about my health. I had a bout of chest pains about 4 years ago and it wasn't my heart. I went through all the stress testing and it was something that could be handled with Motrin. The pains this time were just like those pains. I'd ignored them for quite a while but when they started happening every day and more and more times during the day and night, I figured I should get it checked out. The pains are not debilitating and I don't lose my breath or get dizzy or anything so I was pretty sure it wasn't actually my heart. I had been under quite a bit of stress at work lately and so I was hoping it was not connected. I told BJ that I made the appointment and he was not happy that I didn't tell him what was going on but he was glad that I made the appointment so quickly.
My heart is fine. Other than the monthly aching when my period shows up. I have a viral inflammation around the outside of my heart. I have to take Indomethacin for a while and go back in a month to see how things look. I had an EKG and an echo done. While the doctor was doing the echo he was making me nervous because it took a long time. I guess he was just doing a good job of investigating. Then came the kids question.
I had seen him 4 years ago and he knew I had no children. So he asked me if I'd had any yet. I said my usual answer these days, "no, we tried and it didn't work, so no kids for us." He was very intrigued so he asked more questions. I told him about our IVF and the length of time I had been trying (with both husbands) and how I felt I was never tested enough and that I was thrown in with the rest of the crowd because they just tried to fix me instead of figure out the problem. I was almost in tears talking to him. He finally was quiet and then said this..."well, you never know...you could get a very big surprise one day." Really? That's your solution? I humored him and agreed that yes, sometimes it happens and blah blah blah. And then he said that he's seen it happen. Ok well, I only have until May of 2011 to get this done so maybe HIM saying it will make it happen. Please note the sarcasm in my tone.
On to other things. My Smokey is sick. She's my older cat. I don't know what is wrong with her. I took her to the emergency vet Monday night and they found nothing. She won't eat her food. She won't drink. She just lays and wants to hide in corners or under furniture. She hacks likes she wants to throw up but nothing is coming out. I got her to eat some chicken last night but then after a few bites she just spat it out. She walks really slowly and doesn't even hardly defend herself when Gizmo runs up on her play. The doctor said that she had a bit of gas built up in her intestines and to give her Pepcid for it over the next few days. I have given her 2 doses so far and it's not easy. I tried to force some water in her with a syringe but that didn't work great, either. I'm really worried about her and I hope that I see an improvement this evening. She won't even come out and greet me. It's very sad. BJ even feels bad for her. Since I don't know how mobile she has been, and the last thing I need is for her to use my carpet as her litter box, I took her down to her "toilet" this morning. She peed and then she pooped one lonely little turd. It wasn't runny and it didn't have any blood in it. I'm at a loss. If not for her hacking and gagging I would believe the doctor. If she's not any better tomorrow morning I'm going to take her to the vet, not the Emergency one. I can't stand seeing her like this. And I miss my Smokey.
Showing posts with label CD2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CD2. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Slipping
I know I've been gone for a bit. I haven't felt much like writing. Well, that's not entirely true. I always feel like writing because I always have things swarming around in my head that need to come out. What I don't feel like doing is only writing about my despair. Let me explain.
Last week (7/7) was the 1 year anniversary of my egg retrieval. It was a day full of hope and dread and expectation. Saturday (7/10) was the 1 year anniversary of my transfer. The day that I looked at my 2 beautiful embies and was filled with more love and hope that I have ever known. I felt like a mother. I felt like I had children to love and look after and protect. In my eyes and heart, life begins at conception. My thinking was very straight forward (to me a least)...God wouldn't let the eggs fertilize if He weren't going to let me keep them and hold them in my arms in 9 months time, right? I was wrong. For reasons that are only His, my embies didn't make it. I lost them. I know that there is a big difference in losing embies and losing a pregnancy. I can't really compare my loss to someone that has had an actual miscarriage, I would never do that. All I can convey here is my feelings of loss. I feel like I lost 2 babies. They were living cells that were dividing and thriving in the dish, albeit for only 3 days, but still.
I didn't post anything last week because every post would have been about sadness, despair, disappointment, anger and frustration. This post is not going to be much better. But I'm feeling a little better. The next big dates are going to be the 1 year anniversary of my hpt BFN and then my beta BFN. It's a tough time for me. I want to cry and mourn and spend a day or 2 just vegging on the couch or laying in my bed sleeping. I can't do that. I've been so busy the last couple of weeks at work that I barely have time to pee during the day. I have some important tasks to concentrate on at the office. The Little Guy has been sick with a stomach bug and that helped me get through the weekend. I know that sounds strange, but the fact that I needed to tend to him and worry about him helped me hide my true feelings of sadness inside.
I feel like that's all I've been doing; hiding my true feelings. I'm all business at work and then I go home and pretend like I'm fine. BJ has no idea of the turmoil I'm putting myself through. I won't burden him with it. Plus, he doesn't understand my sadness and how I carry it around. He likes to think that I can handle anything. He likes to know that I'm not going to fall apart any second even though that's how I feel. He doesn't know how to handle my sadness or my depression...he knows there's nothing he can do to help me. This frustrates him. Hence, why I don't want to reveal my true feelings to him. It can sometimes cause friction between us. When he feels helpless he gets agitated. When he's agitated he can be...difficult. I don't need the added stress so it's better if he just thinks I'm fine. I'm slipping down pretty far and I feel like I might overflow at any time.
I don't like this slipping feeling. I feel like my feet aren't planted on the ground. I feel like I'm Fred Flintstone and I'm running so fast that my feet don't get traction and I don't go anywhere. I want to feel better. I want to smile a real smile. I want to enjoy sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband. Right now, I'm quieter than usual and I feel disconnected at home. I feel sort of numb. Not sort of, I feel very numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life because that's all there is right now....the motions. It's almost like I'm an observer of my own life. Like I'm just watching it all happen through a fog of sorts. It's very hard to explain.
And to top things off, I was actually dumb enough to think that I might have the fortune of getting a BFP this week. Since, you know, it's the 1 year anniversary of the biggest failure of my life. My boobs were sore for several days and I didn't feel any AF signs. It was not to be. The period started just before I went to bed Wednesday night. And the funny thing is that BJ doesn't even know. That's how good I am at keeping things to myself. I know it's not a good trait, but it has its advantages.
I think this depression episode is directly related to my IVF failure. I also think that it's a direct result of getting closer to the realization that I will not have a child of my own. My mind obviously knows this. It's my heart that has a hard time accepting that fact. My heart is what gets broken month after month but yet it still yearns for a baby. I don't know how much longer I will travel this path. The way I feel right now is not the way I will feel next week. Or so I hope. Because right now, I'm ready to call my GYN and tell her that I want to get that new birth control contraption (essure?) that is permanent. That way, there is no choice but to give up and have my heart accept its fate of a childless life. Maybe then I can get on with my life and treasure what I DO have a little more. Not that I don't treasure it now, but if I knew it was all I was ever going to have, I might be a little more thankful. And there's nothing like permanent birth control to get that to sink in.
I'm sorry to post such a downer post. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just getting some things off my mind. And the last thing I want is to bring everyone else down. But I wanted to post an update. I probably won't post again until I'm feeling better. I haven't been reading your blogs that much lately, either. I felt like I needed to step away from the infertile world for a bit. I'm hoping to get caught up this weekend and even leave some encouraging and supportive comments. Y'all are the greatest and you deserve support and love just the same. And I want to be there for you as you have been there for me in my times of need.
When I'm feeling better and more chipper I will share the story of some good news with you...we adopted a kitten. I will post pictures and all about him hopefully next week. I'm hoping that this weekend will yield some peace and a release from the stranglehold I feel right now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Smile lots, laugh more and love to the fullest.
Last week (7/7) was the 1 year anniversary of my egg retrieval. It was a day full of hope and dread and expectation. Saturday (7/10) was the 1 year anniversary of my transfer. The day that I looked at my 2 beautiful embies and was filled with more love and hope that I have ever known. I felt like a mother. I felt like I had children to love and look after and protect. In my eyes and heart, life begins at conception. My thinking was very straight forward (to me a least)...God wouldn't let the eggs fertilize if He weren't going to let me keep them and hold them in my arms in 9 months time, right? I was wrong. For reasons that are only His, my embies didn't make it. I lost them. I know that there is a big difference in losing embies and losing a pregnancy. I can't really compare my loss to someone that has had an actual miscarriage, I would never do that. All I can convey here is my feelings of loss. I feel like I lost 2 babies. They were living cells that were dividing and thriving in the dish, albeit for only 3 days, but still.
I didn't post anything last week because every post would have been about sadness, despair, disappointment, anger and frustration. This post is not going to be much better. But I'm feeling a little better. The next big dates are going to be the 1 year anniversary of my hpt BFN and then my beta BFN. It's a tough time for me. I want to cry and mourn and spend a day or 2 just vegging on the couch or laying in my bed sleeping. I can't do that. I've been so busy the last couple of weeks at work that I barely have time to pee during the day. I have some important tasks to concentrate on at the office. The Little Guy has been sick with a stomach bug and that helped me get through the weekend. I know that sounds strange, but the fact that I needed to tend to him and worry about him helped me hide my true feelings of sadness inside.
I feel like that's all I've been doing; hiding my true feelings. I'm all business at work and then I go home and pretend like I'm fine. BJ has no idea of the turmoil I'm putting myself through. I won't burden him with it. Plus, he doesn't understand my sadness and how I carry it around. He likes to think that I can handle anything. He likes to know that I'm not going to fall apart any second even though that's how I feel. He doesn't know how to handle my sadness or my depression...he knows there's nothing he can do to help me. This frustrates him. Hence, why I don't want to reveal my true feelings to him. It can sometimes cause friction between us. When he feels helpless he gets agitated. When he's agitated he can be...difficult. I don't need the added stress so it's better if he just thinks I'm fine. I'm slipping down pretty far and I feel like I might overflow at any time.
I don't like this slipping feeling. I feel like my feet aren't planted on the ground. I feel like I'm Fred Flintstone and I'm running so fast that my feet don't get traction and I don't go anywhere. I want to feel better. I want to smile a real smile. I want to enjoy sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband. Right now, I'm quieter than usual and I feel disconnected at home. I feel sort of numb. Not sort of, I feel very numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life because that's all there is right now....the motions. It's almost like I'm an observer of my own life. Like I'm just watching it all happen through a fog of sorts. It's very hard to explain.
And to top things off, I was actually dumb enough to think that I might have the fortune of getting a BFP this week. Since, you know, it's the 1 year anniversary of the biggest failure of my life. My boobs were sore for several days and I didn't feel any AF signs. It was not to be. The period started just before I went to bed Wednesday night. And the funny thing is that BJ doesn't even know. That's how good I am at keeping things to myself. I know it's not a good trait, but it has its advantages.
I think this depression episode is directly related to my IVF failure. I also think that it's a direct result of getting closer to the realization that I will not have a child of my own. My mind obviously knows this. It's my heart that has a hard time accepting that fact. My heart is what gets broken month after month but yet it still yearns for a baby. I don't know how much longer I will travel this path. The way I feel right now is not the way I will feel next week. Or so I hope. Because right now, I'm ready to call my GYN and tell her that I want to get that new birth control contraption (essure?) that is permanent. That way, there is no choice but to give up and have my heart accept its fate of a childless life. Maybe then I can get on with my life and treasure what I DO have a little more. Not that I don't treasure it now, but if I knew it was all I was ever going to have, I might be a little more thankful. And there's nothing like permanent birth control to get that to sink in.
I'm sorry to post such a downer post. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just getting some things off my mind. And the last thing I want is to bring everyone else down. But I wanted to post an update. I probably won't post again until I'm feeling better. I haven't been reading your blogs that much lately, either. I felt like I needed to step away from the infertile world for a bit. I'm hoping to get caught up this weekend and even leave some encouraging and supportive comments. Y'all are the greatest and you deserve support and love just the same. And I want to be there for you as you have been there for me in my times of need.
When I'm feeling better and more chipper I will share the story of some good news with you...we adopted a kitten. I will post pictures and all about him hopefully next week. I'm hoping that this weekend will yield some peace and a release from the stranglehold I feel right now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Smile lots, laugh more and love to the fullest.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Meeting New People
As I stated before, yesterday was the Little Guy's first baseball practice of the season. I commute to and from work on a bus. I parked at a different stop (one that we usually get to by 5:45-5:50 at the latest) so that I could drive to the practice location and not miss anything. So of course, the bus is late picking us up. And not just by a few minutes. Another commuter called to check to see where he was. While she was on the phone with dispatch, I saw our bus. He was a block away at a traffic light...stopped because of a police motorcycle blocking the road for a motorcade. Great. Come to find out that the next bus (they run about 10 minutes apart) was at the light, too. When they finally got to our stop, it was 4:50...I was already fuming at being 11 minutes behind schedule. Then traffic sucked the rest of the way, too. Needless to say, I didn't get to my truck until 6:08 then I had to drive to practice. But I did remember to get off at the right stop. :-) I hate being late, to anything. As the saying goes...best laid plans...
Practice was good. I even met new people. And get this...one lady is already living in our development and the other is having a house built there, too. The one, Jenny, has 3 boys and we have already met her husband on a number of occasions at our house while it was being built. They had a house to sell before they could move here and it finally did because they broke ground yesterday for the new house. The other lady, Michelle, has an older boy that we see skateboarding on our way in and out of the development. Not sure we want the Little Guy hanging out down there because I think he may be a little old for him, but her other son is his age so what can we do? He loves to skate and he's always so interested in watching the older boy as we drive by. Will have to keep an eye on that situation. And as it turns out, Jenny's youngest boy actually goes to the Little Guy's daycare 3 days a week. Very small world. They seem very nice and it will be nice to have someone to talk to during the games besides the husband (that usually finds other dads to talk to) and the Little Guy's mother. Granted, these women have kids and I don't, but I don't see them having any MORE kids so that means hopefully no pregnancy announcements.
After practice we grabbed some dinner and watched the hockey game. OMG! What a game it was. My team took the lead, lost the lead, got the lead back and then lost it again with less than 4 minutes to play. It went to overtime and then to a shootout. I thought for sure we were DONE but we came back from a deficit and scored 3 straight in the shootout to WIN! That makes 3 straight over the Stanley Cup champs....YEAH! I can't stand that organization. Yay for my team!
I get to start my Clomid tomorrow and I'm excited about that. I will take it before bed each night and say a little prayer that it lets me grow at least 2 really good eggs in there. It will feel good to be doing something a little more pro-active in this process. I'm a little nervous about getting my hopes up too much, though. I know the reality but knowing how I respond to Clomid, I get a little giddy each time I think about it. Although, the 2 IUI's I did with Clomid didn't yield a baby....no negative thinking! Just positive thoughts coming from me and my ovaries right now.
Practice was good. I even met new people. And get this...one lady is already living in our development and the other is having a house built there, too. The one, Jenny, has 3 boys and we have already met her husband on a number of occasions at our house while it was being built. They had a house to sell before they could move here and it finally did because they broke ground yesterday for the new house. The other lady, Michelle, has an older boy that we see skateboarding on our way in and out of the development. Not sure we want the Little Guy hanging out down there because I think he may be a little old for him, but her other son is his age so what can we do? He loves to skate and he's always so interested in watching the older boy as we drive by. Will have to keep an eye on that situation. And as it turns out, Jenny's youngest boy actually goes to the Little Guy's daycare 3 days a week. Very small world. They seem very nice and it will be nice to have someone to talk to during the games besides the husband (that usually finds other dads to talk to) and the Little Guy's mother. Granted, these women have kids and I don't, but I don't see them having any MORE kids so that means hopefully no pregnancy announcements.
After practice we grabbed some dinner and watched the hockey game. OMG! What a game it was. My team took the lead, lost the lead, got the lead back and then lost it again with less than 4 minutes to play. It went to overtime and then to a shootout. I thought for sure we were DONE but we came back from a deficit and scored 3 straight in the shootout to WIN! That makes 3 straight over the Stanley Cup champs....YEAH! I can't stand that organization. Yay for my team!
I get to start my Clomid tomorrow and I'm excited about that. I will take it before bed each night and say a little prayer that it lets me grow at least 2 really good eggs in there. It will feel good to be doing something a little more pro-active in this process. I'm a little nervous about getting my hopes up too much, though. I know the reality but knowing how I respond to Clomid, I get a little giddy each time I think about it. Although, the 2 IUI's I did with Clomid didn't yield a baby....no negative thinking! Just positive thoughts coming from me and my ovaries right now.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
My ER Visit
I still don't have Internet at home...stupid laptop for dying. My only access is at work and that sucks.
Saturday evening I got a headache of the "my progesterone has dropped and my period is getting ready to start" variety. Still no spotting, though. On Sunday around 6:30 or so I got up off the couch (after a nice nap with BJ) and felt like I got up too fast. You know that feeling in your head...a little dizzy a bit wobbly...then it goes away. Well, it didn't go away. I started feeling a strange pressure in the back of my head. It didn't hurt to touch, but when I tried to sit back and put my head back on the couch, it was very uncomfortable and I felt dizzy. BJ suggested a walk outside to see how I did. I had a few spells of nausea and I still felt very dizzy. This was something I had never felt before. This was definitely not a normal headache. BJ wanted to go to the ER. After about 20 minutes or so, I agreed to go. I hate doing that...especially since I know how long we would be sitting there and it was Sunday and we both had to work Monday morning. But we went.
I explained myself to 3 different people on my way back to a "room". The girl taking care of me did all the neurological tests and I guess I passed them. Then she asked me about medications. I had to get into all the IVF/IUI meds I have been on. She asked if I could be pg and I said that it was possible as I am 3 days late. A beta and other bloodwork was ordered. The young girl that came in to take my blood and start the IV line was pleasant enough...until she had issues with my veins. She tied the rubber hose around my arm and BJ told her that I have small veins so she was warned. She cleaned my arm and then DIDN'T DRY IT OFF before sticking me with the IV line! I yelled because I wasn't expecting it to sting like that. I told her she needed to dry it off because the alcohol stings. She pressed and dug around and finally found the vein. My blood was coming out so slowly that it clotted. I had to be stuck again...in the other arm. She said she wasn't allowed to blow it dry but she would this time. WHATEVER! As if I were asking for special treatment. She found another vein in my left arm. She stuck me and dug and pressed and squeezed! I was tense to say the least. I've had my blood drawn a hundred times in the past 8 months and no one has hurt me this bad. I turned my head away from her and ground my teeth really hard to not yell at her. She pulled it out and said that because I keep moving she can't find it. WTF??? BJ said my arm barely moved. So another lady came in and really worked at getting my vein ready. She found a good one in my forearm....that's new. She stuck me and it was no where near as painful as the young girl. They got my blood and took it away. When the results came back, my potassium was slightly elevated so I had to get an EKG. Mind you, I'm here because I'm having head problems...not heart problems. It comes back fine and the repeat of blood work showed my potassium was fine. I now have a very nasty bruise on my arm.
The lady came in and sat on the bed. Made me very nervous but apparently her feet her just tired. She said that my blood was fine and that my beta was negative...maybe it's too early? I said no, if it's negative now then it's negative. BJ and I were secretly hoping she'd come in with some good news. It was a let down but I knew it would be. That's what I get for letting Hope back in my life. My CT scan was normal, too. We finally got to leave there at midnight with a diagnosis of Vertigo and Paresthesia. I stayed home yesterday but I'm still a bit off today. The neurologist can't see me until 9/17 so I'm trying to get in to see my regular doctor and hope that he sends me for an MRI. Just to be on the safe side. My hospital doesn't have access to MRI machines on the weekend...nice.
My period showed up yesterday morning....no spotting, just showed up. I forgot to take my temp this morning so I have to really try hard to remember tomorrow so that I can see what's going on inside of me and get a sense of what my body is doing or not doing. I need to order some Pre.seed and some ovulation tests, too. Lots to do...so much so that it's making my head spin...oh wait...that's the vertigo. :-)
Saturday evening I got a headache of the "my progesterone has dropped and my period is getting ready to start" variety. Still no spotting, though. On Sunday around 6:30 or so I got up off the couch (after a nice nap with BJ) and felt like I got up too fast. You know that feeling in your head...a little dizzy a bit wobbly...then it goes away. Well, it didn't go away. I started feeling a strange pressure in the back of my head. It didn't hurt to touch, but when I tried to sit back and put my head back on the couch, it was very uncomfortable and I felt dizzy. BJ suggested a walk outside to see how I did. I had a few spells of nausea and I still felt very dizzy. This was something I had never felt before. This was definitely not a normal headache. BJ wanted to go to the ER. After about 20 minutes or so, I agreed to go. I hate doing that...especially since I know how long we would be sitting there and it was Sunday and we both had to work Monday morning. But we went.
I explained myself to 3 different people on my way back to a "room". The girl taking care of me did all the neurological tests and I guess I passed them. Then she asked me about medications. I had to get into all the IVF/IUI meds I have been on. She asked if I could be pg and I said that it was possible as I am 3 days late. A beta and other bloodwork was ordered. The young girl that came in to take my blood and start the IV line was pleasant enough...until she had issues with my veins. She tied the rubber hose around my arm and BJ told her that I have small veins so she was warned. She cleaned my arm and then DIDN'T DRY IT OFF before sticking me with the IV line! I yelled because I wasn't expecting it to sting like that. I told her she needed to dry it off because the alcohol stings. She pressed and dug around and finally found the vein. My blood was coming out so slowly that it clotted. I had to be stuck again...in the other arm. She said she wasn't allowed to blow it dry but she would this time. WHATEVER! As if I were asking for special treatment. She found another vein in my left arm. She stuck me and dug and pressed and squeezed! I was tense to say the least. I've had my blood drawn a hundred times in the past 8 months and no one has hurt me this bad. I turned my head away from her and ground my teeth really hard to not yell at her. She pulled it out and said that because I keep moving she can't find it. WTF??? BJ said my arm barely moved. So another lady came in and really worked at getting my vein ready. She found a good one in my forearm....that's new. She stuck me and it was no where near as painful as the young girl. They got my blood and took it away. When the results came back, my potassium was slightly elevated so I had to get an EKG. Mind you, I'm here because I'm having head problems...not heart problems. It comes back fine and the repeat of blood work showed my potassium was fine. I now have a very nasty bruise on my arm.
The lady came in and sat on the bed. Made me very nervous but apparently her feet her just tired. She said that my blood was fine and that my beta was negative...maybe it's too early? I said no, if it's negative now then it's negative. BJ and I were secretly hoping she'd come in with some good news. It was a let down but I knew it would be. That's what I get for letting Hope back in my life. My CT scan was normal, too. We finally got to leave there at midnight with a diagnosis of Vertigo and Paresthesia. I stayed home yesterday but I'm still a bit off today. The neurologist can't see me until 9/17 so I'm trying to get in to see my regular doctor and hope that he sends me for an MRI. Just to be on the safe side. My hospital doesn't have access to MRI machines on the weekend...nice.
My period showed up yesterday morning....no spotting, just showed up. I forgot to take my temp this morning so I have to really try hard to remember tomorrow so that I can see what's going on inside of me and get a sense of what my body is doing or not doing. I need to order some Pre.seed and some ovulation tests, too. Lots to do...so much so that it's making my head spin...oh wait...that's the vertigo. :-)
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