Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Just Hangin' Around

I’m still here. I’ve been absent for quite a while and I fear that I have some rust to remove from my writing hands. I’ve been reading all of your blogs and following along with your struggles, your pregnancies and watching your children grow and change. I just haven’t been a good commenter. I feel that I usually don’t have much insight to add. Especially when it comes to sleep schedules, new foods to feed babies, cloth diapering or how to stay healthy during pregnancy. It’s true...most of the blogs I read have moved to the other side. There is a few that still struggle with IF but that is the minority of the blogs I have in my Reader. Anywho...

I’ve gotten a couple of comments recently asking me how I’m doing and if things get better and how I’m dealing with everything. Here is what I can tell you:

• Life goes on. As much as we don’t want it to, it does. And it seems to move at lightning speed sometimes. Then at other times it slows to a pace that rivals a snail crawling across the sidewalk.

• It still hurts. Every day I hurt. I have to put it aside and keep it to myself, but it’s still there. This time of year can be especially painful. I had to endure my SIL’s Christmas party where there were about 5 toddlers, a 1-year-old, a newborn and a pregnant woman. There’s a story about the pregnant woman but it can wait. I came home and my bathroom...alone. I held the beautiful necklace that my bloggy buddy Esperanza sent to me right after my loss. It’s the first time since the day I received it that I held it in my hand and spoke to it like I was speaking to my lost child. It sits on my bathroom counter and I have touched it a few times but this is the first time that I held it and cried.

• I still have h-o-p-e. I don’t know why and I don’t know where it comes from. It sneaks in at really bad times and plays with my emotions like nothing I’ve ever known. It sucks, but I still have hope. Even though I know I have crap eggs and nothing will change about that. Even though I do not (nor will I ever) have the money for donor eggs. Even with a mental understanding that God never intended for me to have a child, I have hope.

• I’m ok. I’m not good or great or enthusiastic ...but I’m ok. As ok as I can be. Well, I guess I could work harder at it but I’m lazy and I’m not ready to try that hard.

This Christmas is proving to be a really tough one for me. I’m a step mother and that is a good thing. I get to have a child in my life and to experience holidays and such in a “family” way. I’m a hockey fan and I have turned my step son (and my husband) into fans, too. It’s sort of our “thing”. The Little Guy and I go to games and to the Convention and I buy him hockey gear and trinkets and things like that. His mother is a huge NASCAR fan. We like racing but not as much as she does. It’s sort of “their” thing. All of a sudden, she is invading my private space. She bought the Little Guy a new jersey, hockey tickets and a night in a hotel after the game. She also bought herself a matching jersey. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that she doesn’t like that the LG and I share this so she wants to let me know who’s to speak. BJ is not happy about it but what can he say? We can’t tell her she’s not allowed to buy those things. But seriously? Why is she taking this away from me? It’s not like I don’t know where I stand in his life. I know who Top Dog is and it’s not me. It just sucks. I don’t have much with him that is just “ours” and now I really don’t have anything. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I don’t care. If it’s selfish then call me Queen Selfish. Not to mention that on Christmas day I should be 38 weeks pregnant and about to welcome my own little miracle to the world. That, too, was taken from me. Sometimes I really wonder how the Universe works and why it seems to work against me in these ways.

I have much to be thankful for and trust me, it has not gone unnoticed. I have a family, I have my health, and I have a job and a house and car. I’m able to buy things for others for Christmas and also to help out a few charitable causes. I’m grateful to be able to do those things. It gives me a happy feeling inside. Again, I’m being selfish, but I want to be able to do the one thing I can’t.

I have much more to update but for now I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I wanted to let anyone that might be suffering that a) you are not alone and b) it gets doesn’t go away, but it gets better.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a very blessed New Year! There are many of you that will have your babies in your arms for the first time this Christmas...Joy to the World!! And there are others that will spend this Christmas with a big belly...Halleluiah!! I wish you all nothing but goodness and good cheer. I can’t wait to see more pictures with Santa and first Christmas pictures. Love to you all!


Jem said...

thanks for posting and letting us know how you are doing. Miss you and sending you love.

Rebecca said...

I know that your eggs are crap as you say and that at times hope is feeble but I still have hope for you.

someday-soon said...

It's so good to hear from you! Happy you are doing ok. Sorry LG's Mom is being a freak. He won't forget who taught him the love of the game...anyone can buy a jersey but you taught him that. She'll get board of hockey and you'll still be there to take him to games and scream at the zebras =) I wish you peace this holiday season my friend...I've missed you.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting. I just lost my baby after IVF. It helps to hear it won't always hurt like this. You're in my prayers.

Esperanza said...

Oh Tee Jay, I've been thinking of you a lot, wondering how you've been doing. Thanks for updating us on what has been going on. That sounds like a really upsetting conversation with Little Guy's mom. Really upsetting. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I hope you 2012 brings you increasing peace. Keeping you in my heart and in my thoughts.

Pie said...

Hi TeeJay! I'm glad for your update, I've been thinking of you. And no, your are not selfish, or wrong, to be peeved at LG's mom. How rude she is. But yeah, I don't know how'd you could approach that with her.

I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a much happier 2012.

Anonymous said...

You don't have to feel guilty about not being 100% happy with your current lot hon. I'm glad you're appreciating what you have, but I sense a twinge of guilt there as if you think you're not appreciating it *enough*
And that's BS.
A due date is coming up, and that's always hard. make sure to give yourself some space to grieve on that day.
Merry Christmas lovely.

This crazy life of mine... said...

I have been MIA from the blogging world since October. Life certainyl gets in the way, and even when things don't go our way, it speeds by. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Good to get an update from you Teejay. Sorry LG's mom is giving you such a hard time :(. Wishing you a happier 2012!

Anonymous said...

If you are looking for support related to a longing for a child Julia Indichova offers wonderful support on her website and books. She also deals with the emotional issues in a very effective way - that people who don't conceive can still live amazing fertile lives and what that can look like. All the best!