Wednesday, April 27, 2011

6dp5dt - The Burning Question

When I say burning, I mean it's burning in my head.  The question is When Will I Test?

As it stands right now I have the following symptoms:
* None

I have no symptoms that couldn't just be explained away by the extra estrogen and the extra progesterone.  My belly feels a little bloated.  I'm tired.  I'm emotional (more on that in a minute).  I've felt a few twinges here and there in the ute/ovary area.  Pretty much, my ovaries are trying to get back to normal and the extra estrogen is filling up my lining more than usual so it's no wonder I've been feeling something here and there.  My boobs are sore (although, as of this morning not as much as before).

I'm too scared to test.  I get teary eyed when I think about doing it.  The good thing is that I don't own any tests right now.  Not even any opk's.  I've had a few fleeting moments where I have thought about stopping on my way home to get a test and then I just drive by all the stores without even glancing their way.  I will not wait for beta, that is for sure.  I will probably test Saturday morning.  I will be 9dp5dt.  There will be an answer.  I'm picking Saturday morning because I can't bear the thought of coming to work on Friday if it's negative.  And I'm starting to believe that it will be.  Did you just hear me catch my breath and gulp back tears?

I know it's early and that many women do not feel any symptoms this early...or at all.  However, it's just a sinking feeling that I have.  I have bad eggs that made bad embryos.  I know the reality of that mix.  I've been googling and reading message boards and blogs a lot this week.  Some women have great stories and others have crappy stories.  I'm not giving up hope but I'm definitely trying to prepare myself for reality.  I want to believe that my embryos are thriving and hanging on but I'm having a really hard time with that.  Why would this time be any different than before?

I wish I could be more positive.  I'm just too scared to be.  I was so positive through all the stimming and everything up until yesterday.  All of my emotions have come crashing down on me.  This is IT, folks.  This is my last chance to have a child of my own.  There is no more money and if there were I don't know that I could do this again.  There is so much riding on this.  My entire life will change Saturday morning with that pee stick.  If there is a blank window I fear a blank future.  I know that I have much to be thankful for in my life (I will be doing a happiness post next just to remind me) but knowing that I will not be a mother is going to be a tough pill to swallow.  A pill with razors and saw blades and barbed wire, to be exact.  It's a pill that I don't want to swallow and that I don't know (at this time) how to swallow.  If the test shows 2 lines...I don't need to explain to you how my life will change but it will be amazing.

My emotions are running so high right now.  I'm feeling down and depressed and ready to cry at anything.  My mind won't shut up with all of its "what if this didn't work?" crap.  I'm trying really hard but I just can't picture a positive outcome.  I know nothing is over until Saturday morning, but my heart feels like it's over.  My mind is trying to wrap itself around a (bio)childless future and it's bleak to say the least.  I have to find a way to push through this.  I have to reach deep inside and find strength like never before to carry on.  There have been a few times in my life where I've had to deal with major losses but I have found a way to function and now I fear that I will have to do that again.  It takes so much out of me to fight depression and I just don't want to go back there.  I'm afraid of what it will mean for my marriage.  My husband loves me but he doesn't understand my grief.  He doesn't like to see me sad which means I have to be fake and being fake with the one person I should be able to bare my soul to will suck the life out of me.  I'm not sure I can be fake this time.  I'm not sure I will be able to just move on and get over it at his speed.  I will need to do it in my own way and in my own time and I'm not sure he'll be able to handle it.  Man, this is fucking hard.

Why can't I just be normal?  Why can't I just have good eggs?  Why do I feel like I'm being punished?  There are 100 "why" questions out there and unfortunately there are no answers.  It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it now.  I will know my answer Saturday morning.  My life will change.  I hope for the better but I am preparing for the worst.

11 comments:

callmemama said...

Oh Teejay...I am really hoping and praying that despite everything there is a little embryo that has hung on and is planning to make a comfortable home in your uterus for the next 9 months. I want that for you so badly!
Hang on there, dear. I know it's hard, but amazing things DO happen, and I'll be praying that this time they happen to YOU.
Love and hugs,
Sarah

A said...

i totally echo sarah's comment. we are all praying that at least one of your embies is snuggling in tight. hang in there- big hugs coming your way.

Esperanza said...

Oh TeeJay, what an insanely difficult time. I remember feeling all of those things, the emptiness that my future seemed to hold. I'm so sorry you're looking into that place right now, not sure if you need to prepare for it. I'm hoping and praying and praying some more that this is it for you. I want that for you so badly. All of us do.

You are in my thoughts and in my heart. Good luck.

Amanda said...

I've been thinking of you, and will continue to pray that Saturday will be the happiest day of your life. Hang in there..we are all waiting with you xo

Alex said...

These last few days before you test are truly the worst. I wish I could take away all the uncertainty and the pain in thinking about the different "what if's" away from you. But I know this week is hell, and I just want you to know that we're all behind you. Sending you love, and prayers that one or both of those embies is snuggling in tight.

And it's way too early for any real symptoms...

someday-soon said...

The anxiety in your words is palpable. I'm with all the PPs in saying that we are all hoping that Saturday brings those two lines you've waited so long to see. I wish there was something that would make these last few days of waiting easier {{{HUGS}}}

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Teejay, no one could have worse eggs, on paper, than me. My first IVF garnered one eggs despite massive doses of drugs. I've lost 3 of 4 embies conceived due to chromosomal issues. I have only one working ovary than shows TWO antral follicles. Yet I have a tiny little loudmouth cackling in the other rooms to prove that even with millions of bad eggs, there are still a few that are pretty darned good. Don't lose faith. I felt NOTHING, as I've told you before. I've got everything crossed for you. P&PTs!!!

EBC said...

stopping by from iclw...gosh, you are so not alone in all that that post says. not that that fixes are darn thing though. hoping you seeing a window with a :), two lines, a plus...whatever is a positive!!

HopeBPatient said...

Ugh, I could have written this very exact same post on my last IVF try. It's sooo hard. But you're right. There's nothing you can do to make it go one way or another at this point. It will be what it will be. The only thing I'll say is something that you probably don't want to hear right now and will probably dismiss, but I do believe it's true (believe me, my mother used to say it to me all the time and I thought it was crap): when one door closes, another (eventually) opens (ok, the addition of eventually is mine). I don't know what that door will be for you. I hope it's a baby. But if it isn't, you will not have a 'blank' life. You just never know what might happen.

Keeping all fingers and toes crossed for you that you get a BFP. Hang in there!!

gracieinbrooklyn said...

Everything is crossed for you. ((((hugs)))) The TWW truly stinks! I'm in awe that you could post a 'happiness is' post :)

January24 said...

Hi teejay I am 6dp5dt and I too have zero symptoms. We are both on the 2ww roller coaster! At first after transfer when I felt nearly back to my normal self, I was pleased, but then I started freaking out and feeling desperate for some symptoms, any symptoms, to help me feel it might have worked. The rational me knows it is still too early but the irrational me is craving them anyway. Hang in there...wishing you all the best, fingers crossed for us both!