There is so much back story that I could tell (and will tell, eventually) about my mother and my cat. Each of them are very big entities in my life. This post will make a lot more sense once I decide to put myself through the emotional turmoil and explain more about my mother. But for now, I needed to let everyone know that I had an epiphany over the weekend.
Saturday night I was feeling a bit emotional. BJ and I went out to one of our local hang outs that is owned by one of his childhood friend's parents. The childhood friend works there and basically runs the place. He is a nice guy but he has a shady past. He shed some light on bits and pieces of said past and then he also was talking about the time that he gets to spend with his daughters. He and their mother are no longer together and he only sees them 2 weekends a month. They are 6 and 7. He showed us pictures and they look like they are 14 and 15...very cute. He takes them out for a "Princess Day" once a month. They go to the salon and get pedicures...all 3 of them. How sweet is that? This guy does NOT seem like the type that would be sitting in a pedicure chair letting a dainty woman scrub his feet. It was very revealing about the type of guy he is. Of course, BJ and the other bartender were giving him such a hard time about this. And his explanation was that he wants to show his daughters the kind of man that they should be with when they get older. Someone that understands their needs and wants and that is not afraid to step outside the "man box" and do something for and/or with them.
When I got home, my cat came to greet us. I was so happy to see her and happy that she came to see us at that late hour, that I picked her up like a baby. Mind you, my cat does not like being held like this for more than 3 seconds. I started talking to her:
"why did you like this as a kitten but now you won't ever let me hold you like this?"
"you need to let me hold you like a baby because you are all I have to hold this way."
"why do you have to be just like my mother?"
And that last one had me letting go of her and coming to a realization that she is just like my mother. Again, this will make sense once you know more about the 2 of them. You can't get too close and give her as much loving and petting as you want for she will either turn around and bite you or she'll take off to another room. And 5 seconds after she's done trying to bite your hand off, she'll start purring on your legs looking for love. I can pet her for a few minutes and she's fine and loving it and then something happens and she's ready to attack. So I said to her:
"you are just like her...you expect me to just keep loving you after you bite me and you want to show me love when it's good for YOUR schedule....when it's convenient for you."
BJ was a little taken aback by this exchange as she is just a cat. But all the pieces came together for me in that moment. And I cried. And I told him how I miss her (my mom). And I told him that I didn't need her to live with me or even right next door, but I miss just talking to her and knowing she is ok on a day to day basis. He said that he can't miss her the way I do because he doesn't know her the way I do, but that he does wish that he was working on a way to build her a room in the garage or build another garage next to the house and put a room above it for her. He doesn't know all the details of our relationship but I think he understands some of my feelings, and that's comforting.
She's in FL in a town called Stuart. At least that's the last information I have on her. I need my mom as I have needed her all my life. But she's not here. As she's pretty much not been here my whole life. I love her dearly and I just want her love me, too. And I know she does, but in her own way and on her own terms. And that's just not enough.
And I want my cat to be affectionate and loving. And she is...on her own terms.
How is it possible to have 2 entities in my life that are exactly the same and yet completely different species?