Quick Update and Random Thoughts

There’s too much to write about so I’m just going to give a quick bulleted update. I will try to keep it short. :-)

• My shots are going well. Of course, the first one I administered hit a blood vessel and left me with a dime sized bruise on my belly. It’s actually almost gone, though, so all is well. No major side effects that I have noticed as of yet and that is always good.

• The weekend was good. I was off Friday and didn’t really have any plans but to get the stuff for the Easter baskets and then work on my scrapping. I actually did a lot of laundry, too. It was a good relaxed day. We went to the Bass Pro Shop on Saturday and the husband has decided that he wants a bass boat. That is another post all to itself and will need to be tackled another day. Since the LG was with his mother on Sunday, BJ and I cleaned out the garage. The weather was beautiful and we were able to clean and mostly organize the space. During the winter months the garage really suffers so cleaning it up felt really good.

• Work is busy and I’m not enjoying any of it. I’m not happy with my job right now or my current boss or some of my co-workers. If you’ve been following me for a year or more you know that I have a new boss. I don’t like him. He’s so different from anyone I’ve ever known so it’s really difficult to find our stride. He won’t ever change so I know I just have to deal with it but the situation is stressing me out.

• I’m coming up on some important dates and it’s starting to bring me down. My first ever BFP anniversary is only a few weeks away...as is the anniversary of my first (and hopefully only) loss. I should be on maternity leave right now and I think that might be part of the reason I dislike my job and boss right now.

• The blogosphere has been filled with some really high highs and some really low lows lately. As I read through the happy mom posts I get excited and start to think about what it would be like to be writing posts like that. When I read the pregnancy blogs I also hope to be writing my own posts regarding morning sickness and beta numbers. And then I read the sad blogs. The one where a mother had to say good-bye to her child before it was born. And the one where the mother just went in for her 12 week scan only to find out that her little one’s heart had stopped beating just a couple of days ago. It breaks my heart and makes me worry about something like that happening to us. I mean, just because we have struggled for so long does not mean that we will be successful with our DE cycle(s). It’s scary.

• The weather has been so warm and then we had a cold snap and now I’m afraid my roses may not bloom. They have buds all over them but they haven’t begun to open yet. I have 5 beautiful rose bushes and judging by the size and the number of buds, once they open, our yard will be the prettiest on the cul de sac. I just hope the cold nights have not damaged them. We haven’t gotten frost, but it’s been in the 30’s a few times. I’ve noticed that the warm weather caused the Tulips to bloom early and they are already losing their petals. Crazy weather, I tell ya.

• I got an Easter card from my mom. She called me a while back and I told her that I’d send her a calling card with cell minutes on it so that she could keep in contact with her kids. So far, so good. I’ve gotten a couple of text messages and a phone call and now the card. She’s working at a motel as the cleaner in exchange for a room. I’m ok with that. As long as her deadbeat significant other does not mess it up for her like he did last time everything will be ok. I don’t know if she has contacted my other siblings or not but that’s not my problem. As much as they try to make it my problem.

• I have been looking at my cycle calendar at least once a day if not more. And judging by the dates they gave me, my donor will be starting her injections on 4/21. I always started my stims on CD3. If that holds true for her then her CD1 will be 4/19...my mother’s birthday. Odd timing to say the least. That means that the donor will be starting stims NEXT weekend! Yay!! All of this assuming she passes her second and final FDA blood panel on 4/16.

• I’m going in for my Lupron evaluation on Friday morning. I’m hoping for nice quiet ovaries which shouldn’t be a problem given my history. And I’m hoping for normal blood work. I’m also hoping that the other recipients are still on track with everything. That’s one of the biggest worries I have. I worry that one of them will have something go wrong and we’ll have to scrap the whole thing. IF has jaded me, that’s for sure. I’m always certain that something bad will happen. I’ve read and seen too much to think otherwise. I’ve always been on the wrong side of the fertility statistics so why should now be any different? I’m hoping that it’s very different...very different indeed.

So that’s a quick rundown of what’s in my head and what’s been going on recently. There’s much more but I don’t seem to have the time right now to write about it. My boss will be on vacation next week so I’m hoping to have more time to get some good posts up. I have some things I need to get off my chest and you guys get to be my sounding board. Lucky you!

More Randoms

I can't seem to get myself together for a real post, so here is another jumble of thoughts and happenings.  Thank you all for the birthday and anniversary wishes.  It wasn't an easy time but it was still nice to be off work and spend the extra time with my family, and for that I am grateful.

• I had virtually eliminated caffeine from my diet during my 2ww. I’m not a coffee drinker but I like an ice cold diet cola at least once a day and when we go to dinner I usually get tea. I didn’t have access to a caffeine free soda one day while at work so I bought a regular bottled one and had a very small amount out of it, just to quench my craving. I put the lid on really tight and planned to take it home to BJ. I left it in my locker all this time. I opened it today and wouldn’t you know it still had its fizz after all this time? I wish I still had my fizz.


• The LG’s mother and her live in boyfriend of almost 3 years are splitting up. He’ll be moving out this weekend....into the basement of his ex (they were together for 14 years) and her girlfriend. Yes, you read that right...she left him for a woman and now he’s going to be living with them. He’ll get to see his kids every day and that is a great thing. Unfortunately, this almost eliminates his oldest son from hanging out with the LG. The LG idolizes/worships this boy. He’s 2 years older than the LG and the LG really “fell” for him. Even going as far as listing him as his step-brother on FB. It’s going to be a rough transition for him (LG). They will still see each other here and there, I guess, but it will definitely not be the same by any stretch of the imagination. Poor LG. The good thing is that he is with us this weekend and so he won’t be around to see the boyfriend moving out and his mother upset. The boyfriend is definitely nowhere near as close to the LG as I am so that is a good thing, too, I guess.

• We are having my SIL and her family over Saturday afternoon. I’m making an Italian Chicken Pasta Salad (thanks for the recipe, Nanci!! I finally made it a couple of weeks ago and we all loved it) We will be grilling hot dogs and hamburgers and I’m sure the boys will want to spend the night so we’ll see where it takes us. I’m looking forward to it as the more chaos there is the more my mind is taken away from my pain. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

• I was going to post on FB how shocked and pleased I was when my mother called me for my birthday but I didn’t. I knew it would spark major drama with my sister and brother and that is a shitstorm I didn’t want to start. Just to let it be known here, I am so grateful that my mom called me. I miss her so much and even though I know she wouldn’t be particularly at all comforting during this time, it would still have been nice to have her here to hug me and let me cry to her.

• I’m thinking of changing the name and the focus of my blog. I’m not sure what type of blog I will have now, but it won’t be a TTC blog as we are not trying anymore. (It kills me to type those words) I’m thinking of making this a focus on my family history...sort of an autobiography. I don’t know. There’s lots to tell and lots of pain to work through so I know I can fill the pages. Plus, we all know how wordy I can be.  :-)

• I have been unable to throw away the last few Endometrin tablets on my bathroom counter. I have also not thrown away the empty boxes of Gonal-F and Menopur. It doesn’t really hurt to look at them for some reason. It actually brings a sort of comforting feeling. I know that probably sounds strange but it’s true. I also have a wonderful necklace (I’ll try to remember to post a picture of it) that was sent to me by one of my bloggy buddies (Thank you Esperanza!!) that I keep propped up on my bathroom counter. I look at it every morning and evening and think about what I had and it also brings me a sort of comfort. I look at the center part of the necklace and think about the soul that it represents and it makes me feel more connected in some way. BJ doesn’t quite understand this concept and that’s ok...he’s not the one that had the embryo inside of him. He’s not the one that was completely exhausted. He’s not the one that was sickened by tomatoes. He’s not the one that has been dreaming of a pregnancy for over 10 years. I forgive him this as he does not fully understand my pain. He lost something, but it didn’t change anything physically for him and he told me more than once that he would not believe it or get excited about it until it was confirmed viable by the doctor. I know he hurts for me more than he hurts for himself right now. I get that and I accept that.

• I have been enjoying reading the updates of the many new mommies out there. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief (as I know they do) that they have babies now...and some have more than one baby! I love seeing the pictures and knowing the joy that these women/families are now experiencing after such long roads of heartache and disappointment. Even though some of the posts are hard for me to get through, I use their joy as sort of a catalyst for myself. How can I feel sad after reading such great updates and looking at such wonderful pictures of perfect little miracles? That’s not to say that I’m not jealous or envious, but it doesn’t make me cry, it makes me smile a little and that is a good thing these days.

It's Cloudy

It's cloudy out today. It's been cloudy all day. And not only that, but it's cool...like 73 degrees cool. I don't like it. I thrive in the sunshine. Clouds put me to sleep and make day drag. I went for a walk at lunch and was really missing the sun. I was almost chilly. I am very sensitive to the cold. Part of that is my thyroid and I think the other part is genetic. My mom gets cold easily, too. I guess it's good that she's in FL now. At least I guess that's where she still is. Hard to keep track of her when she doesn't call or even send text messages. Whatever. My mood is cloudy today, too. I feel sort of blah. The day is dragging and all I want to do is go home and hear how the Little Guy's first day of school went. I have another hour here and then I won't be home until 2 hours after I leave. Blech.

I've been thinking a lot about my mother lately. Last week (8/17) was the 4th anniversary of her leaving. She got on a bus with a suitcase full of "stuff" and I didn't think I'd ever see her again. In March of 2008 she fell ill. She was in intensive care for days. I went down for a day to see her and assess the situation. She had MRSA and walking pneumonia. She was on a ventilator because she wasn't getting enough oxygen on her own. She was out cold the entire day. She had no idea I was there. I held her hand and talked to her and cried for her. My older brother also came down. He stayed over night at the place where she and her boyfriend lived. I refused to be near her boyfriend. More on him another time. My brother and I argued in the hallway of the ICU because he wanted to unplug her. I couldn't believe the nerve he had. To come down there and play the role of responsible first born child after the history he and my mother have was laughable. He didn't take her to doctor appointments. He didn't take her to the ER. He didn't let her stay with him after her surgery. He didn't pay her rent so that she wouldn't end up on the street. He didn't buy her Christmas gifts. He didn't call her almost every day. But yet here he was, the oldest that apparently gets to make all the decisions. I have only been that furious with him one other time in our lives. I hope to never visit those feelings again. I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue. I digress...we couldn't unplug her anyway because she wasn't braindead, she was put in a medical coma so that the machine could help her breath, not breath for her. He was being ridiculous. He had no right to even bring up such a thing. But we moved passed it. My mother got well, as well as she could get. And she was sent on her way. And she went right back to the man that (I feel) was to blame for her illness in the first place. The man that didn't come to see her while she was in the hospital. The man that got evicted while she was in the hospital and left her there while he traveled 2 hours away. And she's still with him. And I have such great animosity towards that man that my blood pressure goes up when I even think of him. I have so much more to tell about my mother and our relationship and him but I'm just not ready to go there yet. This is the story that has been on my mind lately. And I know it's because of the anniversary of her leaving. And I know it's the guilt I feel for buying her the bus ticket and the luggage and the stuff in the luggage and driving her to the bus station. I know I shouldn't have done it. But I didn't know what else to do. She wanted to go. She begged me to take her. And of course I feel immense guilt because she was living with me and BJ at the time. She moved in less than 2 weeks after he did. I was trying to start my life over and having her there made it incredibly stressful on our new relationship. I know I showed my feelings too often. I tried to be ok with everything but it was so hard to adjust. I had been living alone for a year and then in the span of 2 weeks I had my new boyfriend, his son and my mother all under one roof with me. I'm afraid that she felt like she wasn't welcome and that's why she was so adamant to leave. I told her 100 times we didn't want her to go with him but she wouldn't relent. And if you think leaving her in the hospital was bad...he left her in an apartment that was in his name that he owed 3 months rent on and she didn't have a job. Nice guy, huh? And she still wanted to be with him. I have so many regrets about how all of that was handled. I was just about to finalize my divorce, BJ and the Little Guy moved in, my mother moved in and I was a bit overwhelmed. And she left. And I feel responsible. And I hate that. BJ is well aware that if something happens to Jimmy (my mom's boyfriend) she'll have no place to go...she will come back to me. I'm the one that takes care of her. I'm the one that will cave as soon as the tears start to flow. BJ has already said that he'd build a detached garage for her to live over. Yeah, like we have money for that. But at least he knows the situation and I hope he means what he says because I can't let her end up on the street. She's my mother. Regardless of our relationship, she is my mother.

This post took a turn for the worse, didn't it? But like the title says, it's cloudy...inside and out.

My Mother and My Cat

There is so much back story that I could tell (and will tell, eventually) about my mother and my cat. Each of them are very big entities in my life. This post will make a lot more sense once I decide to put myself through the emotional turmoil and explain more about my mother. But for now, I needed to let everyone know that I had an epiphany over the weekend.

Saturday night I was feeling a bit emotional. BJ and I went out to one of our local hang outs that is owned by one of his childhood friend's parents. The childhood friend works there and basically runs the place. He is a nice guy but he has a shady past. He shed some light on bits and pieces of said past and then he also was talking about the time that he gets to spend with his daughters. He and their mother are no longer together and he only sees them 2 weekends a month. They are 6 and 7. He showed us pictures and they look like they are 14 and 15...very cute. He takes them out for a "Princess Day" once a month. They go to the salon and get pedicures...all 3 of them. How sweet is that? This guy does NOT seem like the type that would be sitting in a pedicure chair letting a dainty woman scrub his feet. It was very revealing about the type of guy he is. Of course, BJ and the other bartender were giving him such a hard time about this. And his explanation was that he wants to show his daughters the kind of man that they should be with when they get older. Someone that understands their needs and wants and that is not afraid to step outside the "man box" and do something for and/or with them.

When I got home, my cat came to greet us. I was so happy to see her and happy that she came to see us at that late hour, that I picked her up like a baby. Mind you, my cat does not like being held like this for more than 3 seconds. I started talking to her:

"why did you like this as a kitten but now you won't ever let me hold you like this?"
"you need to let me hold you like a baby because you are all I have to hold this way."
"why do you have to be just like my mother?"

And that last one had me letting go of her and coming to a realization that she is just like my mother. Again, this will make sense once you know more about the 2 of them. You can't get too close and give her as much loving and petting as you want for she will either turn around and bite you or she'll take off to another room. And 5 seconds after she's done trying to bite your hand off, she'll start purring on your legs looking for love. I can pet her for a few minutes and she's fine and loving it and then something happens and she's ready to attack. So I said to her:

"you are just like her...you expect me to just keep loving you after you bite me and you want to show me love when it's good for YOUR schedule....when it's convenient for you."

BJ was a little taken aback by this exchange as she is just a cat. But all the pieces came together for me in that moment. And I cried. And I told him how I miss her (my mom). And I told him that I didn't need her to live with me or even right next door, but I miss just talking to her and knowing she is ok on a day to day basis. He said that he can't miss her the way I do because he doesn't know her the way I do, but that he does wish that he was working on a way to build her a room in the garage or build another garage next to the house and put a room above it for her. He doesn't know all the details of our relationship but I think he understands some of my feelings, and that's comforting.

She's in FL in a town called Stuart. At least that's the last information I have on her. I need my mom as I have needed her all my life. But she's not here. As she's pretty much not been here my whole life. I love her dearly and I just want her love me, too. And I know she does, but in her own way and on her own terms. And that's just not enough.

And I want my cat to be affectionate and loving. And she is...on her own terms.

How is it possible to have 2 entities in my life that are exactly the same and yet completely different species?