An Unexpected Pit Stop

Why is it that weekends seem to just fly by and leave us with nothing but longing for another one? It would be a better America if I could just work Monday through Thursday. I'm just a Monday Hater so don't mind me.


BJ and I went dining room table shopping Saturday. We had one picked out for a very long time. It was a coordinating piece for our kitchen table. Remember the triangle table that we bought that was a beautiful dark, rich wood finish? Well, it had a dining table made of the same wood but it was rectangular. We loved it back then. When we finally found it on Saturday...we hated it. It's really smaller than we thought and wouldn't be a comfortable place for 6 adults. I'm so sad. Now we start the process all over again. We didn't like anything at the store we were at and then we were tired of looking and knew that we needed to hit the grocery store before going home so we bailed. We are having BJ's sister, husband, 3 kids and her husband's parents over for Thanksgiving! We need a table....NOW. It's back to the drawing board for us.


On the way home from the furniture place, we passed the cemetery where BJ's parents are buried. He's never taken me there. He swung a u-turn and we were on our way. He found their site very easily. He has only been there a few times over the years so he wasn't sure if he'd remember where they were. It's a veteran's cemetery so all the headstones pretty much match. It was sad for me to see their names on the stone. They are buried in the same plot, much like many of the other vets that are there. BJ seemed ok but I know it hurts him on the inside. It makes me sad because I know how I would feel if I had lost my parents so young. He didn't have a Norman Rockwell childhood, but they were still his parents and he loved them. I'm glad he took me there. I actually got to 'meet' his parents for the first time. He's never taken the Little Guy and I think he should. It's not a bad place, it's just a place where people rest for eternity. I think it would be a good experience for him. The Little Guy's middle name is BJ's dad's first name and it might make it more special for him to see that with his own eyes. Being there and seeing BJ's mom's name just reiterated that I would use part of her name and mesh it with my grandmother's name to make a little girl's first name. Once I hit my deadline for a baby (IF I hit that deadline) I will post the names and the stories behind those names but for now, they are my secret. It was an unexpected stop along our way but a very welcome one.


A quick Smokey update, too....I talked to the vet Saturday morning and asked if I could use the drops that we switched Gizmo to instead of the ointment and she said yes. My Smokey does not like drops in the eyes! She's a trooper and she still loves me, thank goodness. Her eyes are getting so much better, too. And she actually played a little last night. She slept on my lap for a while and it was so nice to have her there. Gizmo slept on BJ's lap at the same time and I wish there were someone there to take our picture...each with a cat in our lap. I love my kitties.

Appointment Tonight

Thank you all for your kind words, regarding my busted cycle and my poor kitty. To answer a few questions...I thought she had a hairball stuck but I figure that the radio graphs (x-rays) would have shown that. Plus, the doctor never mentioned that she thought it might be a hairball. I bought her some Pepcid and forced it down her throat. I'm a mean momma, for sure. I bought her a small can of fancy feast and she ate almost the whole thing. I was sneaky and put one of her pills in the food and she ate it. She is still hiding. She is not drinking. I called and made her an appointment for 6:00 tonight. She is still doing the "chicken neck" movement and that is the only thing making me believe that something is wrong with her. I mean, Gizmo has been around for a month and it's a little late for a behavioral issue, don't you think? I hope I get some answers. She actually growled at me this morning when I had to give her the medicine because she wouldn't finish the food I put on the plate for her. Oh yeah, and her eyes were leaking some gunk. Lovely.

Another question was whether or not I will pursue more testing. If we had the money for more treatments, I would be going after the testing like crazy. My insurance will only cover diagnostics, not treatment. And since we don't have the money I have just resolved myself to being bitter about the whole thing. I have given myself until my 35th birthday to conceive a child. If I don't, then I have to pack it in. BJ is 4 years older than me and he has already expressed his intentions to be done "soon". I would like to call off the trying in my own way and on my own terms...especially since nothing along this journey has really been my way or my terms. If it had, I would have a baby (or more) by now. I do not judge others for seeking motherhood well into their 40's. It's just not something I'm prepared to do. The Little Guy will be 10 next year and it just seems like the playmate years are gone. For me, there has to be a stopping point. It has to be realistic and I am nothing if not realistic. I know what this means for me, setting this date, and I'm slowly getting closer to accepting it. It won't be easy, but I've been through some really tough shit in my life so I know I can handle it. However, this is something I see coming, most of the other stuff was a surprise. We'll see how I do when the time comes.

Thank you all again for your kind words and support. You are great and I love reading each and every one of your comments.

CD2

You read that right...I'm on CD2. No 2 lines. No baby. Actually, no lines at all because I didn't test, but you get the picture. Another failure. It's never ending. And it sucks donkey balls. I had a 26 day cycle which is good. Ovulating on CD10 is not so good, but whatever.

I went to see my cardiologist Monday afternoon. I'd been having chest pains. I kept this fact from BJ as he worries a lot about my health. I had a bout of chest pains about 4 years ago and it wasn't my heart. I went through all the stress testing and it was something that could be handled with Motrin. The pains this time were just like those pains. I'd ignored them for quite a while but when they started happening every day and more and more times during the day and night, I figured I should get it checked out. The pains are not debilitating and I don't lose my breath or get dizzy or anything so I was pretty sure it wasn't actually my heart. I had been under quite a bit of stress at work lately and so I was hoping it was not connected. I told BJ that I made the appointment and he was not happy that I didn't tell him what was going on but he was glad that I made the appointment so quickly.

My heart is fine. Other than the monthly aching when my period shows up. I have a viral inflammation around the outside of my heart. I have to take Indomethacin for a while and go back in a month to see how things look. I had an EKG and an echo done. While the doctor was doing the echo he was making me nervous because it took a long time. I guess he was just doing a good job of investigating. Then came the kids question.

I had seen him 4 years ago and he knew I had no children. So he asked me if I'd had any yet. I said my usual answer these days, "no, we tried and it didn't work, so no kids for us." He was very intrigued so he asked more questions. I told him about our IVF and the length of time I had been trying (with both husbands) and how I felt I was never tested enough and that I was thrown in with the rest of the crowd because they just tried to fix me instead of figure out the problem. I was almost in tears talking to him. He finally was quiet and then said this..."well, you never know...you could get a very big surprise one day." Really? That's your solution? I humored him and agreed that yes, sometimes it happens and blah blah blah. And then he said that he's seen it happen. Ok well, I only have until May of 2011 to get this done so maybe HIM saying it will make it happen. Please note the sarcasm in my tone.

On to other things. My Smokey is sick. She's my older cat. I don't know what is wrong with her. I took her to the emergency vet Monday night and they found nothing. She won't eat her food. She won't drink. She just lays and wants to hide in corners or under furniture. She hacks likes she wants to throw up but nothing is coming out. I got her to eat some chicken last night but then after a few bites she just spat it out. She walks really slowly and doesn't even hardly defend herself when Gizmo runs up on her play. The doctor said that she had a bit of gas built up in her intestines and to give her Pepcid for it over the next few days. I have given her 2 doses so far and it's not easy. I tried to force some water in her with a syringe but that didn't work great, either. I'm really worried about her and I hope that I see an improvement this evening. She won't even come out and greet me. It's very sad. BJ even feels bad for her. Since I don't know how mobile she has been, and the last thing I need is for her to use my carpet as her litter box, I took her down to her "toilet" this morning. She peed and then she pooped one lonely little turd. It wasn't runny and it didn't have any blood in it. I'm at a loss. If not for her hacking and gagging I would believe the doctor. If she's not any better tomorrow morning I'm going to take her to the vet, not the Emergency one. I can't stand seeing her like this. And I miss my Smokey.

Meet Gizmo

Long before we moved into our new house, BJ has told the Little Guy that we will get a new kitten. I already have a cat. She's 9 years old and can be a bit ornery, to say the least. The Little Guy has always had a fear of her and BJ just doesn't really like her very much. He's not a cat person. He finds them to be useless fur balls. My cat, Smokey, is so sweet most of the time and she loves me and loves to cuddle with me. They have a bit of a love/hate relationship with each other. She makes us laugh and she irritates him...especially if he gets a cat hair in his food. So it came as a surprise that he would actually let us get another feline.


So we moved into the new house. And we had to wait for kittens to be in season. Then we had to wait for a free weekend that we had the Little Guy so that we could go to the Rescue place and take a look. We finally settled on a day sort of spur of the moment. The Little Guy had mentioned to me that he thought we were never going to get a kitten and I didn't want him to be disappointed so I sort of just brought it up....and BJ agreed to go and look.


We saw about 30 kittens that afternoon and we held a couple that had really cool markings. Two of them were very similar...black and tan tabby cats. I held the first one and he purred so loudly that my heart just melted. Then we saw another one in a different room that had the greatest spots and stripes but when I held him, he didn't purr.


The Little guy said he wanted the first one and the more I petted him and listened to him purring, I knew he was ours. So we went to the pet store and spent way too much money on new cat stuff and then went to lunch. We had to wait for him to get his last shot and for them to get all the paper work in order. As we sat there, the name Gizmo just came to me. All the other names that we came up with just didn't seem to fit him. We even looked online for names after we had him home. So Gizmo it is.


Now, the fun part. We brought him home on Sunday. On Monday we noticed his one eye was watering. We shrugged it off as being from stress and such. Then on Tuesday, BJ got home and poor Gizmo couldn't open his eye. Both eyes were oozing and swollen. I made an appointment for after work Wednesday. He had an upper respiratory infection and I was given antibiotics and eye ointment. I felt terrible for him. He felt bad and didn't know what was happening to him and why his new mom was putting ointment in his eyes twice a day!


He began to get more energy but his eyes were terrible still. I had to take him in the next Monday again because I was so worried. I even told my boss I had to take him to the vet and would be late to work. A different doctor (that I like much more) gave me drops for his eyes and increased his dosage of the antibiotics. Within 2 days he was acting like a kitten should...running around and playing and just being silly. I am so relieved that he's well again.


Smokey is becoming more and more tolerant of him. She doesn't like him but I think she wants to like him. She bats at him and still hisses sometimes, but all in all they are doing ok together. He is such a loveable cat. He meows (squeaks, really) to get attention and then when you look at him he rolls over on his side or back so that you can pet his belly. He finally found our bed late last week and ended up waking us up a bunch of times to get some love. BJ said that was the end of that until he learns to just sleep at night. I'm very sad because we now have to shut the bedroom door which means we can sleep, but I miss my Smokey. We snuggle together so well during the night and she greets me as soon as I hit the snooze on my alarm clock.


Gizmo then started waking up the Little Guy on Saturday and Sunday morning really early. He needs his sleep or else he just doesn't function right so when he's at our house his door will have to be closed, too. And to let you know how sweet the Little Guy is....he let Smokey into our room Sunday morning so that she could come see me. I felt her jump on me and looked and saw the door still shut so I knew what had happened. She was so happy to lay with me...I love my kitties.


So here are a couple of pictures of our new baby. He has already grown so much in the 2 weeks that we have had him. My hand doesn't cover his entire belly anymore! He won't be a baby for long.

And here are a couple of pictures of my 2 babies. I can not believe the great photo ops that they have presented me with.

My Mother and My Cat

There is so much back story that I could tell (and will tell, eventually) about my mother and my cat. Each of them are very big entities in my life. This post will make a lot more sense once I decide to put myself through the emotional turmoil and explain more about my mother. But for now, I needed to let everyone know that I had an epiphany over the weekend.

Saturday night I was feeling a bit emotional. BJ and I went out to one of our local hang outs that is owned by one of his childhood friend's parents. The childhood friend works there and basically runs the place. He is a nice guy but he has a shady past. He shed some light on bits and pieces of said past and then he also was talking about the time that he gets to spend with his daughters. He and their mother are no longer together and he only sees them 2 weekends a month. They are 6 and 7. He showed us pictures and they look like they are 14 and 15...very cute. He takes them out for a "Princess Day" once a month. They go to the salon and get pedicures...all 3 of them. How sweet is that? This guy does NOT seem like the type that would be sitting in a pedicure chair letting a dainty woman scrub his feet. It was very revealing about the type of guy he is. Of course, BJ and the other bartender were giving him such a hard time about this. And his explanation was that he wants to show his daughters the kind of man that they should be with when they get older. Someone that understands their needs and wants and that is not afraid to step outside the "man box" and do something for and/or with them.

When I got home, my cat came to greet us. I was so happy to see her and happy that she came to see us at that late hour, that I picked her up like a baby. Mind you, my cat does not like being held like this for more than 3 seconds. I started talking to her:

"why did you like this as a kitten but now you won't ever let me hold you like this?"
"you need to let me hold you like a baby because you are all I have to hold this way."
"why do you have to be just like my mother?"

And that last one had me letting go of her and coming to a realization that she is just like my mother. Again, this will make sense once you know more about the 2 of them. You can't get too close and give her as much loving and petting as you want for she will either turn around and bite you or she'll take off to another room. And 5 seconds after she's done trying to bite your hand off, she'll start purring on your legs looking for love. I can pet her for a few minutes and she's fine and loving it and then something happens and she's ready to attack. So I said to her:

"you are just like her...you expect me to just keep loving you after you bite me and you want to show me love when it's good for YOUR schedule....when it's convenient for you."

BJ was a little taken aback by this exchange as she is just a cat. But all the pieces came together for me in that moment. And I cried. And I told him how I miss her (my mom). And I told him that I didn't need her to live with me or even right next door, but I miss just talking to her and knowing she is ok on a day to day basis. He said that he can't miss her the way I do because he doesn't know her the way I do, but that he does wish that he was working on a way to build her a room in the garage or build another garage next to the house and put a room above it for her. He doesn't know all the details of our relationship but I think he understands some of my feelings, and that's comforting.

She's in FL in a town called Stuart. At least that's the last information I have on her. I need my mom as I have needed her all my life. But she's not here. As she's pretty much not been here my whole life. I love her dearly and I just want her love me, too. And I know she does, but in her own way and on her own terms. And that's just not enough.

And I want my cat to be affectionate and loving. And she is...on her own terms.

How is it possible to have 2 entities in my life that are exactly the same and yet completely different species?