Thursday, March 11, 2010

The 2ww

Although FF hasn't yet confirmed, I'm sure I'm in the 2ww. All the signs and my spiked temperature let me know that. This cycle has been a bit different than my pre-ivf cycles, as you read about the other day. Normally, my temperature doesn't spike the day after I ovulate, it waits another day. So imagine my surprise when it spiked yesterday, Wednesday. If (and that's a huge IF) anything is back to normal then that would mean that I did, indeed ovulate on Monday. And that would mean that we hit our timing perfect with our BD session on Sunday. I really wish I could make more sense out of things sometimes. I don't know what to believe so I just have to go with the facts that I have:

positive opk's on Sunday and Monday
temperature spike Wednesday
I actually had some ewcm, too, over the weekend...go me.

Yeah...I'm in the 2ww.

I haven't called the doctor that my tax lady suggested. I don't know why, really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I really don't want to be told that my only option is IVF. Even though I pretty much know that is the case. It hurts to hear it from a professional. There's no money for another IVF. At least not this year. I might still give him a call, but with him not taking any insurance we definitely don't have the money to pay for any tests he'd want to do. We'll see how I feel about this tomorrow.

I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever right now. And I must say it's putting me into a bit of a panic. I'm turning 34 in May. We all know what turning 35 means...advanced maternal age. As someone that is pretty sure she has less than good eggs, the thought of turning yet another year older is extra scary. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd be this age and still not have a child. Once I hit 34, I have only 12 months to get the job done. BJ will be 38 in September and he's definitely been dropping hints that he's getting too old for this baby quest. I don't blame him one bit. I know there are women older than me that have great success with pregnancies and parenting over the age of 35, but I know in my heart that it's not for me and my husband. I'm happy for anyone that can achieve their dream of parenthood when it's right for them. Getting pregnant after 35 is not going to happen to me. I will take steps to prevent it. It's easy to say that now, I know. But in reality, I've given myself 5 more years than I did originally. Back when I had truck loads of hope and promise. Now I have a bucket full of those things and I know the reality.

But I can't think about that right now. It's just too depressing. Right now, I want to take my bucket of hope and promise and stand in it...at least for the next 2 weeks. I want to hope that there is a healthy embryo traveling towards my ever welcoming uterus. I want to go forth with promise in my heart that we created a new life.

It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

4 comments:

callmemama said...

Sounds like we're in the 2ww together :). I think lately, that 2ww's haven't felt like they used to. It's almost just something I have to get through to get to the next cycle and try again. Ugh, how's that for hope?
And to tell you the truth, ticking clocks scare the crap out of me too.
I hope you are successful well before you hit 35! Hoping in fact, that this cycle is the one :).

Sarah said...

I hear ya about the age thing. I'm turning 31 in april and it's killin me. I never ever thought that I would not have children by now:( But it seems like I'm hearing more and more stories of women in their late 30's early 40's having healthy pregnancies. Good luck with your 2ww!!! Don't just stand in your bucket of hope and promise, dance in it :)

wait, what? said...

I know it's hard but try to take it one step at a time. There still is time and no need to worry about the worst case scenario.

Stay in the bucket!!!!

A said...

YAY for the 2ww. It sounds like your timing was excellent!!