My title might make you think that I 'leaked' or something, but that's not what the title means. It means that several of the blogs I read (and me) are announcing the arrival of AF or at least the spotting that lets us know she is right around the corner.
I wait for my blogging buddies to post that they POAS or went for a beta and got a positive...or at least that AF is late or showing no signs of showing up. Waiting for posts like that make me very hopeful and excited that I will get to read good news. And from one of the blogs I read (The Sun'll Come Out, Tomorrow (I hope)) I actually got good news after waiting. But for several others, I was saddened by the arrival of AF.
These times just remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not alone in my suffering, in my sadness, in my disappointment. I'm also not alone in getting my hopes up and being let down. It's such a vicious circle that we endure out here in IF Land. And I wonder when we will all get our tickets off this island? Can I PLEASE be voted off? I will gladly vote off whoever wants to leave this place, which means that I will get a cramp in my hand from writing so many names when I go to Tribal Council.
I had about 4 spots yesterday and so far today maybe another 4. BJ pointed to my lady bits last night and called them 'bad'. I laughed and agreed. And then I asked him if I could punish my uterus by stabbing it like it stabs me during my period. He didn't think that was wise if I wanted to keep living in our house instead of in a padded cell. :-) I really just want AF to show up so that I can be done with her by the weekend. It doesn't help that my temperatures are not cooperating with a timely appearance. I dropped below the cover line Saturday by a tenth of a degree. Since then, I have been at or above the coverline. That's not normal for me. That means that I probably won't hit full flow until tomorrow or Thursday and that stinks. I don't like having my period on the weekend and especially not on our 'free' weekend. Ugh...stupid body.
His comments lately about our time running out are definitely true and solid arguments. I try not to tell him that we'd have a better chance at conceiving if he would do the deed with me more during my fertile time instead of just trying to rely on a 1-shot deal. He doesn't like to hear things like that because that puts pressure on him. When he's under pressure, he can't, ahem...do what he needs to do. That's why I try to hide it from him when I'm fertile. That makes it very difficult to get things going because if I try too hard, then he knows what's up and is resistant. I think it's an ego thing, too. Like "she only wants me for my sperm, she's not really hot for me right now". That kind of thinking probably messes with his head and makes him not want to get naked with me. When you think of it like that, I guess I wouldn't want to get naked with me, either. I want to yell at him "Hey! The only way to maximize our chances is to do it 2 to 3 days IN A ROW!". But I can't. That will turn him off and probably make him quit trying. He's fragile that way and will not be told when he has to have sex.with.his.wife. He wants a baby, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't want to work for it the same way I do. And that's not a bad thing, it's just a very inconvenient thing. And it can get very frustrating to say the least. So, when he says that we need to get this show on the road, I don't think he realizes how important his actions are to that show.
Wow, I didn't mean to go down that road, but it all just sort of came out. I don't want anyone to think my dear hubby is not committed to TTC. He is. He's just not used to all the not-for-fun sexy time and he doesn't respond well to schedules. We do what we can and we hope that it's enough.