Thursday, April 29, 2010

Totally Random and Off the Wall

Ok, ladies...I have a question for you. It's totally unrelated to TTC. Well, I guess it's not totally unrelated to TTC because it involves my va-jay-jay. And I'm really going to be disclosing too much information, but you gals are who I choose to ask about this as my IRL gals would probably be mortified or would think I was nuts-o.

I will start by saying that I am a trimmer and a shaver down in the nether regions. I've always been one to get rid of the few stragglers that like to stick out from my undies and my bathing suit. I am not a very hairy girl so it's never really been an issue other than bathing suit season. My ex didn't really spend time down there (I think once) so it really wasn't an issue. Now that I'm with BJ, things are very different in that regard. :-) He introduced me to trimming and then I sort of graduated to actually shaving things down nice and smooth. Let me tell you, it's a whole new world of smiles from my last marriage. Anywho...when I shave my bikini area it grows back pretty fast, and many times I have bumps. And since I started shaving more, I now have more hair to shave. Another issue I have is that the elastic in my underwear can really cause the tiny stubbles lots of pain if it happens to catch one or rub the wrong way. I was thinking of getting a bikini wax.

I'm scared to death to do this because of the pain it will cause me. I tried to wax my legs several years ago and only did one strip and called it quits. I can only imagine the pain associated with having my hoo-ha waxed. Will I be able to put underwear on afterward? Will they rip my skin off? Does it really last longer than shaving? I guess my main question is is it worth it?

The only issue BJ has with it (and he's so strange this way) is that he doesn't want another woman to see me all sprawled out nekkid. I'm sure he'd be happy with the results...which in turn makes him more likely to make me happy...wink, wink.

So there you have it...I've laid it all out there (almost literally) for your opinions. We are all adults and I hope that we can have a mature conversation about this topic. That being said....I actually looked up on Wiki the difference between a bikini and a brazilian wax and almost had a heart attack as I was scrolling down and reading (yes, I research everything) and stumbled upon 6 pictures (real life pictures!) of different ways to get your hoo-ha shaved. Holy cow, how did my work not firewall that?? I was so glad no one was walking by at the time...hard to explain that one. I don't think I've ever closed a browser so fast in my life. :-) I never did finish reading all of it, but decided heavily against the brazilian wax due to the fact that it includes my rear thanks.

So please help me with it worth the pain? Does it last longer? Will I faint? Will they rip my skin off? How long will it hurt afterward?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Happiness Is...

- the Little Guy getting on base and being able to score a run at his game this past Saturday! He also got someone out at first base! Very exciting....even though they have yet to win a game. :-)

- my husband buying a chocolate cake for us to share. So good and creamy and sweet and just melts in my mouth. I'm glad it's gone because I could eat chocolate cake!

- noticing more and more grass in our yard. We've been getting some rain and cool temperatures and the grass is really starting to sprout. It doesn't look as good as our neighbor's house, but it's coming along.

- deciding to go away (rain or shine) for Mother's day. We just need to pick our hotel and book it. I can't wait to get away for a couple of days....and it means a day off work.

- our shed getting approved by the developer. BJ took the brochure and the plat drawing up there yesterday and it was approved without incident. We will order it this weekend and it should be here in about 2 weeks.

- feeling the burn from the treadmill. I've walked twice this week with a few minutes of jogging added in there and I can feel it for sure. I just really need to keep it up...and that's not easy when the husband brings home chocolate cake.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mother's Day Rant

It's almost May already. The year is almost half over. Unbelievable. May brings 2 days that are very special to birthday and our anniversary. The other day in May that brings happiness to millions of people is Mother's Day.

When I was a kid, I loved Mother's day because I would think of something really nice and sweet to do for my step-mom. I would make her a nice card or craft and she would love it, not matter what it looked like. That's how moms are.

When my TTC journey began I dreamt of being a mother and getting sweet things from my child on Mother's day. When teenagers with unexpected pregnancies started to become mothers before me, I began to feel a bit bitter. When women that were married after me and tried for less than 3-6 months to get knocked up became mothers, I began to be even more bitter. And now that I have failed at TTC for all these years with 2 IUI's and an IVF under my belt I am downright disgusted with just about anything to do with Mother's day.

Along with the fact that I can't conceive and become a mother, my relationship with my own mother is strained to say the least, and that makes me cringe at anything related to Mother's day. I am still happy about being able to do something nice for my step-mom, but thankfully (and this might not sound right but I think other IF girls will understand what I mean) she lives far away so I can just send her something nice and give her a call. I don't have to do anything on Mother's day that will compound the fact that not only should I be a mother but she should be a grandmother.

It's bad enough that I know Mother's day is just around the corner, but do I need to be beat over the head with all the propaganda surrounding it? I mean I need to see Mother's day advertisements on FB, the TV, almost every sidebar of every web page I open? And the FB postings have already know the ones that say things like "if your mother is your hero blah, blah, blah, post this as your status update blah, blah, blah." I love my mother. I cherish my mother. We do not, under any circumstances, have a healthy, normal (whatever that is) relationship to where I feel the need to honor her with the title of "hero".

Mother's day is a double edged sword to me. I'm not a mother and probably never will be. I feel like I don't have a mother, either. And then I have a great step-mother that lives so far away we don't really have a close relationship like a mother and daughter should. Can I please just sleep through that day?

For all of my bloggy buddies that are expecting, I am so happy that you are now mothers and that next year on that day you will be holding your children in your arms. I envy the love you will feel and the love you will get from those wonderful little human beings. I can only imagine how your heart will swell and soar with happiness when you wake up next May and get to fully celebrate Mother's day for the first time. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

My remedy for Mother's day this year is to plan a trip with BJ. We have been saying for a few months now that we need to get away for a couple of days and we keep putting it off. And what better day to hit the road and concentrate on my husband, relaxing and taking in some sights? I'm hoping to make a reservation for Ocean City by the end of the week this week. The last thing I want is to be at home on Mother's day thinking about my empty womb and my empty bedroom #4.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Doing Better

Thank you all for your wonderful comments on my last post. I know I'm not alone out here and it's nice to have such a supportive network of people. It really means a lot to me when I read the heartfelt and sincere comments that are left for me.

I'm doing better today. Actually, yesterday started the pick me up stage. No real reason other than I have to move on because time does not stop for a broken heart. And I'm sure my hormones getting back in line help, too. We all know how CD1 and CD2 can mess with our emotions even when we aren't TTC.

I've decided not to temp and not to pee on the opk's this cycle. Not so much decided as I forgot to order more opk's so I don't have them to pee on even if I wanted to. The temping will go by the wayside this cycle as well. I know my approximate ovulation time so I will try to seduce the hubby when we get close and we will just play it by ear. It takes some of the stress off to not worry about peeing on the opk's and temping every morning. Plus, May is my birthday month and our anniversary month...I'd like to just enjoy those things without the stress of hard core TTC. So this is me on a mini-break.

We had a nice weekend together although we were no where near as productive as we should have been. Friday night we went to our hang out and watched the hockey game. My poor team didn't really show up for the whole game and now we are forced to travel for game 6. I so hope we pull this off tonight. We sat in the rain at the Little Guy's baseball game Saturday morning. They scored 4 runs (the Little Guy even scored one!) but still lost the game. It was cold and rainy and just miserable. We ate lunch out and then went home and vegged for a while. The neighbors invited us down so we went over there for a couple of hours Saturday night. Yesterday was errand day. The big "mart" store and then the grocery store. It was muggy yesterday but warm and felt so much better than cold rain. We went for a walk in the evening and checked out some of the other houses that are being built around us. It was interesting to see the inside of the houses. We decided that we like the lay out of our house probably the best although we wish that our living room was a little bigger/wider. Other than that, the only thing that impressed us was some of the garages and how big they seemed compared to ours. I still haven't done my post about all the problems we've had with our new house...I'll get to it.

Back to the TTC....I think this is the shortest period I've had since they started getting short and light. I know the clomid probably had something to do with that, but my goodness. Friday was CD1 and I had a medium flow. It picked up Friday night and I was worried it would get really heavy since it was late arriving. Not so. Saturday was a medium flow and then nothing Saturday night until now. I'm not complaining, that's for sure. It's just another observation of my body doing something different after IVF.

All in all, my mood has improved greatly and I'm going to relax a little this cycle. We'll see how the relaxing goes once I know I'm getting close to ovulating. :-) Again, thank you all for your wonderful comments, you really do make a difference in how I feel and I how I look at the big picture.

Friday, April 23, 2010


Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I don't have good news to report. All of the emotions running through my body right now are making it difficult to string a coherent post together but I will try.

I was having anxiety yesterday waiting for the spotting to start...or for full blown AF to show up with her arms flailing announcing her visit. It was to the point where I was really starting to believe that we might have gotten our miracle. But at the same time I was terrified and I don't really know where that emotion came from. As the day wore on I was sinking lower and lower. And I guess that's when I really knew that she was on her way.

On the bus ride home I was talking to BJ on the phone and told him that I started my sneezing habit back up. For some reason when I was sick over the last couple of weeks, I quit sneezing. Well, it started again yesterday. When I told him that, he asked me if had started anything else. I told him no. I told him that I thought it best (for me) to not stop and buy a test because I knew as soon as I did, it would show up. He agreed that we would just continue to wait.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom and wiped and stared at the TP for a good 30 seconds before I started crying. There was spotting. It was red. It was enough to know that I had failed again. I cried for a good 5 minutes straight. I haven't cried like that over IF since my IVF failed. It hit me hard this month. I guess because of the clomid and the good timing we had and the fact that my period was late and I hadn't spotted yet. All of that stuff fit nicely in the box known as Hope. I had even wrapped the box in a nice ribbon and let myself start thinking about a baby growing in me. It was foolish of me to be so blind and to expect that it could actually happen. I kept the news from BJ as long as I could. The Little Guy was out our house and I didn't want to give him reason to ask me questions and I certainly didn't want BJ to tell me to stop crying for fear of being found out. We went up to bed and I went to the bathroom again. There was enough of AF starting that I knew I'd need something over night. I came out of the bathroom in tears. BJ asked me what was wrong and I told him. He was disappointed, told me he was sorry and we laid in bed holding hands while I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not much better today. I'm in a bad place. I'm tired of all of it. The ups and downs, the temping and charting, the hopes and dreams, the disappointment and the heartache. It's getting to be too much. I'm starting to wonder if I really should just stop this quest and just live my life the way God apparently intended for me to. I'm sure He doesn't want me to be depressed. He doesn't want me to hate my body. He doesn't want me to question Him or His plan. He obviously just wants me to be a wife and step mother and call it a day. I mean, after 9 years you would think I would get the hint. I'm not a stupid person, I can learn a lesson. It has just taken a really long time for me to learn this one.

And I have to put on a happy face today as I am going to lunch with the other support staff in the office to celebrate Administrative Professionals Day (Wednesday). Our bosses are out of town so we are going to lunch together. I'm hoping it will be a good distraction and maybe even perk me up a bit. Fridays are my favorite day of the week. Especially ones like today where it's sunny and in the mid 70's. Maybe once I get outside and enjoy the sun my mood will rise. I hope so because I'm feeling pretty shitty right now so the only way I can go is up, right?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Happiness Is...

- my husband sending me a text yesterday saying that he had a surprise for me when I got to my truck. He has been known to leave nice cards in there for me but he never tells me about it. I was curious all day, especially since I knew he was no where near my vehicle when he sent the message. As I was walking up to my truck I knew immediately what he had done and was thrilled! He had my truck detailed for me. It looks brand new, inside and out. Everything is spotless and shampooed and just shiny. It was washed, waxed and buffed...wonderful! He usually washes my truck for me but with being in the rental house and then winter setting in, my truck looked pretty bad even though I had driven it through the car wash a few times. Now he won't have to work so hard to wash it. I'm going to return the favor by surprising him with a renewed subscription to XM radio...he misses his but doesn't want to pay for it. It's going to be his early anniversary present.

- the Little Guy playing against his 6-year-old cousin Monday night. The Little Guy hit the ball just in to the outfield and the ball was caught by none other than his cousin. Of course we wished he didn't catch it but were happy that he made such a good play. And the Little Guy got up again and got a hit! He ended up being stranded at 3rd so he has yet to score, but we were thrilled that he got on base!

- being on CD29 and still not having any spotting. I'm starting to get butterflies when I think of the possibility of where this could lead. And then I get emotional when I think of how I'm setting myself up for a fall. But for now, I'm going to enjoy not having my period.

- noticing all the new blades of grass that are growing in our yard. It was hydro-seeded 4/10 and we are noticing more and more new growth each day. We can't wait for a real lawn!

- talking to my mother on Monday...her birthday. At least I know she is alive and I'm happy about that.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

It's that time again, already. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome any passers by to my blog. It's a little all over the place sometimes even though I try to keep myself organized. You can learn about my (long) journey on my sidebar but I'll give you a quick recap:

I'm 33 (almost 34) and I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step son that is almost 9. I call him the Little Guy. My husband is known on this blog as BJ and he's great. I've been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and with my first husband. There has never been a diagnosis of why I can't get pregnant. It's one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and at times I really feel done with all of it. BJ and I have undergone 3 fertility treatments. I had 2 IUI's (medicated and monitored) and an IVF. We have nothing to show for it except depleted funds and disappointment. We are out of money and out of options and almost out of time. BJ is almost 38 and he's about ready to throw in the towel. I don't blame him a bit, but it scares the hell out of me because I don't know how not to try and hope and plan for a pregnancy every month. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Right now, I'm on CD29 with no visible signs of my period yet. I'm a spotter and I'm not spotting. I didn't spot for a long time after my IVF but recently picked that habit back up. I'm a little bloated, a little gassy, a little testy, a little sensitive....nothing too out of the ordinary. I haven't been temping because I was wicked sick about 2 weeks ago and wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time so I decided to just skip it. I took 50mg of clomid this cycle (prescribed by my regular ob/gyn that I had to almost beg for) to give me a sense of being productive and I ovulated from what felt like both sides. I usually have a 26 day cycle. Things have been a bit wonky since my IVF...23 days, 28 days, 27 days, 26 get the picture. I thought for sure that I was out this month as of this morning. I got off the bus (I commute via a commuter bus in to DC for my job) and immediately felt a wetness between my legs. I almost sat down on a bench and started crying. However, the amount of wetness prompted me to walk faster so that I could get to the bathroom at work. As I'm walking, my eyes are welling up with tears of sadness and frustration. I grab my feminine products and rush to the bathroom. I slowly pull down my pants and much to my's not red. It's not even brown. It looked like just regular cm that I see before ovulation. So then I did my business and fully expected to wipe and see some sort of color. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So I live to see another day, or at least another trip to the bathroom before my hopes are dashed.

Last night while we were making dinner, BJ asked me..."so did you start bleeding yet?" And I told him no and that I haven't seen any sign of it, either. And then I followed up with the comment that of course now that I said it out loud I'd start, and he agreed with me. See, we both have such positive attitudes about all of this. :-)

That is where we stand right now. Oh, and for those of you that are new or just stopping by, I try to keep things positive around here by recognizing certain things every couple of days or so that bring me happiness. It's so easy to lose ourselves in grief and depression (that's me for sure) that it helps me to sit down and list a few things that make me happy. I call these posts my Happiness Is posts. There will be one a little later today as my husband did something very sweet for me yesterday!

Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Getting Antsy

I'm here on CD28 and still no spotting. I had a sharp abdominal pain last night right before I fell asleep so I guessed that AF would be making her appearance by morning. Nope. I inspected the TP and still see no tinges of color...yet. I'm really wishing that I would stop getting my hopes up. Tomorrow would be a very normal day to just "start" with no spotting. And I thought I would be going back to my old ways when I had the spotting for the last 2 or 3 cycles.

I hate hope. I've been at this for over 9 years already and you would think that I would learn my lesson...not to hope. But I'm dumb, and unfortunately I can't seem to give up this very unhealthy relationship with hope. Do you know that I have even figured out how I'm going to announce a pregnancy on my blog? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I learn the lesson that my body has tried relentlessly to teach me? As if I haven't been hit over the head enough while suffering through IF, I STILL let myself hope. Why?

I was having a conversation with a co-worker that I have known for 10 years. We were discussing saving vacation days. I blurted out that over the last 2 years I have banked 10 days of vacation because "I had this plan to have a baby and that would allow me 2 more weeks to stay home but that is out the window now". Then she asked if she could pry and I nodded. She asked why my baby plan went out the window. And I said, "because I can't have kids". She then said "and you know this for sure now?" And I said "yes." Then I started to well up and told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She gave me the pity look and I think she started to well up, too. I definitely don't want to be a pity case. That is one of the main reasons why I have kept my/our struggles to myself for all these years. Having a baby is the most natural, human thing a woman can do. Except I can't seem to do it. I have some very strong insecurities about myself and the fact that I can't do this just adds to them and makes me wonder why I was born a female?

I wondered growing up if my dad had wished I was a boy. He was very persuasive about me playing sports and learning to shoot and fish and to clean fish (I never did that...gross!) that were caught. My body did not develop the way all my friends' did. I am very small chested and have been teased all my life about that. I look like a boy (almost) if I'm not wearing my padded bra. Women should be 'womanly' and I don't feel that way most of the time. I grew up as a tomboy, with boy friends. I still have issues trying to fit in with other women. I'm more comfortable just being "one of the guys". I have some very girly tendencies....I style my hair, I wear make up (on the weekends), I like pedicures and purses (thanks for that phrase!). And I'm definitely all woman when it comes to recognizing a hot man. I just feel like my body should have been a boy. The only really distinguishing feature is my wide, child bearing hips. However, it doesn't seem like they will be bearing any children.

This post went down a road I hadn't intended. Some times the thoughts just come and I get on a roll. It was just supposed to be about how antsy I am getting for AF to show up. I hate that she teases like this. It's a harder slap each and every time she lets me get a glimmer of hope. But I guess I'm more to blame than she is, right? There's a saying...fool me once blah, blah, blah. She has definitely fooled me more than once so the majority of the shame lies with me, myself and I.

I won't test until Friday if there is still no spotting. I have to give myself guidelines and I have to stick to these guidelines, otherwise I will go insane. My head knows that there is an end coming to this cycle any minute but my heart refuses to let go of the hope. After all, what if?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Happiness Is...

- moving the SIL's hot tub from their sunroom to their back porch without any problems or injuries. BJ helped them yesterday along with a few friends and it went off without a hitch. I love it when things work out like that.

- being on CD27 with no spotting or tinges on the TP. I'm not getting carried away, but it really should be CD1 right now.

- my dad calling me just to say hi Saturday. I don't do it enough so it's nice when he calls me to remind me that life should never get too busy for those kinds of phone calls.

- the intermission sexy time on Thursday night. It's something else that went off without a hitch. And since it had been just over a week (8 days, but who's counting?) we didn't miss any of the game. **wink, wink**

- my hockey team coming back from being down 3 goals to winning the game in overtime! How sweet is that???

- the Little Guy hitting the ball on Saturday at his game. We won't mention how he thought he was out so he didn't bother running all the way to first base and then ended up getting tagged out....he HIT the ball when so many of his teammates never make contact!

- successfully replicating a fruit dip that I tasted about a month ago. Never would have thought of it but it tastes great when you dip strawberries (that I got on a super sale, too) into it. It's cool whip (I use the light kind) and blueberry yogurt. Mix about 3/4 of the yogurt in the cool whip and let it chill and then dip away. Yummy in the tummy!

Neighbors and More Neighbors

So I promised an update on my neighbors and now you are going to get it. :-) But first, an update on my cycle.

I'm on CD27 with no spotting yet. Not even a tinge on the TP. I'm not getting my hopes up (too much) because I've had cycles like this in the past. Not very many (with no spotting) but some. I've been squishing the boobs for a few days and they might be showing some signs of PMS, but not too much out of the ordinary. I'm a little bloated, but not too much. I'm a little cranky and a little short tempered, but again, not too much. So, I guess anything is possible at this juncture. I could be on my way to another normal type cycle or I guess there could be a miracle Clomid bean in there. I refuse to get my hopes up for fear of AF starting to gush any moment. I am 14dpo today. That is a nice leutal phase. I can't measure anything by my temps because I quit taking them over a week ago due to being sick and not sleeping much. I also refuse to test. And that refusal only lasts until Friday or I see some spotting. If I make it to Friday without spotting or starting, there will be a hpt bought for the first time in almost a year. On to the neighbors...

Quick recap for any new readers. We had a house built last fall and moved into said house in early December. We met 2 sets of neighbors while under construction. One set lives next to us (S & K) and the other set lives across from us, down a hill (S & M). S & K like to talk a lot, have 2 kids and are very nice. K (the wife) is a chatterbox but is pleasant. She will talk about anything with matter how private. I know not to share too much with her. S & M are nice enough, haven't talked with them as much. M (the wife) doesn't want kids as she doesn't particularly see the point. Don't get me started. The day before Easter, we met the other couple and we will call them R and L. They are in their late 40's, have careers and make way too much money. L (the woman-they aren't married) has 3 grown children that live with her. We don't like the son. He drives way too fast in our family-friendly cul de sac without too much regard. Anyway, R stopped by as we were outside the Saturday before Easter. They were having a party and wanted to invite all the neighbors. We accepted. We went over there with S & K as S & M didn't want to go. There was music pumping, people drinking, and a good time being had by all. These people know how to party. It was a birthday party for one of L's girls...she just turned 22 and for her boy that is moving to HI (yay!). Their house is beautiful and looks like a model home on the inside. R is very nice and talkative and BJ and S & K start drinking. K is sloshed after one mixed drink. L (the homeowner) is a bartender so she knows how to mix a good drink. I had nothing as we had the Little Guy with us and I don't like drinking around him. We ended up staying way longer than anticipated. We got the full tour of the house. I feel like a pauper after being in their home. But it's all good because I love my house and what we have done with it so far.

As the night wore on, BJ and R talked more and more. And apparently we are now slated to go out on their boat several times this year, go camping with them, go to an O's game with them, hang out in Baltimore with them and get invited over every weekend. I'm glad they are so nice and welcoming, don't get me wrong. However, there is a difference in being neighbors and being bestest friends. I'm not ready for that. We have an 8-year-old...not partying grown children. I have a feeling there will be many things we have to decline to do with them. We went over there last weekend and sat out on their deck by a fire pit. It was very nice. The son was even pleasant to hang out with. There was casual conversation about hydro seeding our lawn and planting trees in the back yard. The next morning, R knocked on our door with a print out from the Internet about hydro seeding and a place we can rent our own hydro seeder and share it. Helpful information for sure, but at 9:30 on a Sunday morning, I'm still in my PJ's and BJ was still drinking his coffee.

So....we have some nice neighbors. And they are very different from each other. And that adds spice to the neighborhood, which is a good thing. But I'm scared of all the socializing I might have to do. And not only that, it doesn't seem that R & L know how to have a good time without alcohol. That worries me. I don't want to go out on the river (especially if we take the Little Guy tubing) with someone that is drinking and boating. I'm very against that sort of thing. But I don't want to become the neighborhood party pooper either. And I don't want to have to have a 20 to 30 minute conversation with my neighbor every time I see them. I'm grateful that nice people live by us, but I'm not ready for the best friend, party all the time lifestyle.

Ok, I'll stop complaining now. Time to find the good things to talk about so I'll be doing a Happiness post, follow up all this pointless griping I'm doing. :-)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Happiness Is...

- almost falling asleep outside on the patio after eating my lunch at work. The weather is perfect for just lounging in the sun and with a full belly and listening to the birds sing...I was almost out. I even did the head bob thing a couple of times before I decided that it was best to come back in and get to work.

- surviving the Little Guy's first baseball game. It was torture to say the least but we made it through without too much drama. T-ball was more exciting. They do things differently in this league. They use a manual machine (oxy moron) and they only use 1 game ball and kids actually only get 3 strikes. In pitching machine at our old location, they used a powered machine like at the batting cages and kids got 5 pitches. It was ball after ball and then throw them all back to the guy feeding the machine after a hit or a strike out. Not so with this league. We were there for 2 full hours...and it got dark and cold and I was starving. But like I said...we made it through!

- scheduling some sexy time with the husband tonight. I've been sick with a cold and allergies and he's been sick so we haven't done anything in over a week! But we scheduled some time tonight...during intermission of the hockey game! :-)

- rockin' the red for playoff hockey tonight!! I'm so excited to see how we do in the playoffs this year. I get so nervous and scared each year. And with good reason. We have such a good team (the BEST team in the league this year) but we always come up short in the playoffs...I'm hoping that changes this year.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hard Times

I have so many things that I want to post about and not enough time to write it all out. That's what happens when I take over a week off from blogging. For now, though, I want to write about my hard time I've been having.

If my IVF had worked, I'd be a mother of a newborn right now. I would have had the baby the last week in March. March 30th would have been my due date. I'm having a hard time with this. It breaks my heart every time I walk past bedroom #4, or even look in the room.

Our neighbors (S & K) came over to get their son one night and we gave them the official tour of the house since they hadn't been in since we moved in. The guys were in the play room and I was showing K my scrapping room (bedroom #4). She asked me if BJ and I had thought about having one of our own. And I told her a very brief "yes, we've tried and I tried with my ex and I just can't get pg." She inquired about fertility treatments and I told her we'd done both IUI and IVF. And then I told her that I would be giving birth next week (this conversation was a couple of weeks ago, obviously) if it had worked. She seemed sympathetic. And she gave me the line of at least time is on my side since I'm only 33. And then she told me that she and S have been off BCP for about a year and nothing has happened. They aren't trying but they aren't preventing, either. She said that she really hopes we get to have a baby. I had to agree with her on that.

It's so hard to know that I should be on maternity leave right now. I should be entertaining many visitors and accepting baby gifts on behalf of my little one and showing off a newly decorated nursery. Instead, I'm sitting here thinking about what should have been and what probably never will be. I still hope that it can happen for us, but I'm also a realist. It's been so long and we've tried so much, that I don't think there is a way for it to really happen. Especially since BJ is just about at the end of his rope with this. And I don't blame him. There has to be a cut off time. And I will have to accept it when it comes. I just hope and pray that I get my miracle before his rope, and my time, run out.

I'm 8DPO today. AF will be here by Monday or Wednesday at the latest. Of course, the hopeful side of me hopes she will just stay away. But the realist in me knows that she's just gearing up in there to ruin everything for me. I don't like to be so negative but sometimes I just can't help it. Everything about IF has been negative for me and sometimes it's really hard to find a silver lining. I don't even know if there is a silver lining for me. I'd like to think that we all have silver linings but I just don't know.

I read a blog the other day by someone that graduated IF with a healthy pregnancy. She said that she wanted the rest of us that were still waiting to not give up hope, that one way or another we would become mothers. It struck a chord with me to read that. I started thinking about the Little Guy. Is he my answer? I'm a step-mother to him. Is that my 'motherhood'? Is that the only way I get to have a child in my life? I wish I knew the answer to that. I'm grateful for him, for sure. I'd be a miserable human being if I didn't have him in my life. I'm actually going to do some posting on how hard being a step-mother really is in normal circumstances but especially while TTC. I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew if my only chance at motherhood was being a step-mom. And maybe God has already answered me and I just wasn't listening. I'm hoping that He gives me the chance to be a mother to my own child...a full mother...with a child/mother bond and everything glorious that comes with that.

Happiness Is...

- spending Easter with my husband's family. Holidays are for families to get together and spend some good quality time with each other. We made the most of the day and the weather was perfect.

- reconnecting with my younger brother, whom I haven't seen or talked to in quite a few years, via FB. Still working on opening the lines of communication, but it's a start that he accepted my "friend" request.

- semi-homemade strawberry shortcake treats. And when I say semi-homemade I mean I bought the stuff and put it all together. :-) Such a yummy treat in warm weather.

- making rice in my $12.99 rice maker...and loving it! The Little Guy and I like to eat rice that has the same consistency of the rice we get with our Chinese food. We can eat it with butter and sugar for breakfast, which I love. He likes to have rice with soy sauce (which I don't like) for a snack sometimes. I tried out my rice make and it worked great!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Quick Update

I've been a very bad blogger lately and I apologize for that. I haven't been posting. I've hardly commented and I'm barely even reading anything lately. Last week at work was so busy I barely had time to leave my desk to tinkle, let alone any blogging time. I had 2 co-workers out last week (one is out again this week) and we had a lot going on in their absence. I've been busy at home with Easter, baseball, neighbors and everything else. And to top it off, I'm sick. I thought I was just having bad allergies since pollen has been so high lately but as it turns out, I have a virus.

I'm in the 2ww. I'm pretty sure I felt ovulation start last Monday evening. FF put me as ovulating on Tuesday because of my temps. They've been on the high side for me this cycle and I'm not sure why. However, I stopped temping because I've been coughing and hacking most of the night keeping myself awake and knew that nothing would be accurate. So I guess I'm 7DPO today. We did some BD'ing last Sunday which was good timing for us so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. When I felt the ovulation pains they were on both sides. So I'm hoping the Clomid did the trick and produced at least 2 mature eggs!

We were invited to a party by one of our new neighbors (R and L) last Saturday night. We went with the neighbors that live next to us (S and K) and had a nice time. R and L really know how to party. And their house is beautiful. I'll write more about that experience later. On Easter, we had a big egg hunt with my SIL and her family. Then we were invited to her in-law's for dinner. There was much playing outside and sitting on porches that day as it was spectacular weather. Last Monday, the SIL and her 3 kids joined the Little Guy and me at the White House for the Easter Egg Roll. It was hot and super crowded but well worth it. The Little Guy and I went last year and we knew we'd enjoy it more this year if he had his cousins with him. And I was a lucky winner of the online lottery. It was fun. Tuesday I had a follow up with my doctor about my hips. My x-rays and my bloodwork came back fine. Yeah! He wants me to take Calcium, Vitamin D, and Glucosamine for a while and see how that goes. Glucosamine is very expensive, let me tell you. I was surprised. I bought the store brand and it was still almost $40 for 120 vitamins. Oh well, I'm willing to try it if it will help my pain. I started out with a sore throat on Sunday then it got progressively worse. I figured it was allergies because I felt ok, just tired. I started coughing Wednesday. It became a real problem by Thursday night. I decided to see the doctor Friday. He said it's a virus and to take cough medicine. It was the same if not worse all weekend. I had to go sleep on the couch because I was keeping BJ awake. That took away from our morning snuggle time that we like so much on the weekends but at least he was able to get some sleep. And wouldn't you know that he started feeling bad yesterday afternoon and now he's home sick. He is much worse than I was because he was running a fever during the night and this morning. I'm glad he's home resting but I feel awful for getting him sick. We had to take the Little Guy to get his baseball pictures done Saturday and his first game is tonight! I have adjusted my work schedule to leave 30 minutes early so I can make it on time.

There's more to update but I will take things one step at a time. I have picked up a few more followers and I feel terrible for not giving them something to read. Not that my readers just sit around waiting for my next post with baited breath, but you know what I mean. I get disappointed when the people I read don't update often enough for me. :-) Not that I think my life is so interesting...but I think you get the point. Anyway....

I hope to catch up with everyone this week so you may want to check for comments on old posts because I'll be making my way through everything.