I have lots to blog about (Little Guy's b-day party mainly) but not much time so I'm giving a quick update.
I'm 14dpo today. FF says I'm only 13 but I think I O'd on 5/31 by what I felt my ovary doing. Anyway...My temp has not dropped below the coverline on my chart. I DID have a major headache Saturday evening which is usually a sign of my progesterone falling. I can also attribute that to the stress of getting everything ready for the party on Sunday and being in the hot garage most of the day and again...stressing to get everything done. I haven't had any spotting yet. I'm not as snippy as usual. I've had a few snippy moments and thought for sure AF would be showing up any minute but then the moments passed. Once I tell you everything about the party you will understand why I might have been a little snippy. :-) My boobs started to ache Saturday as well. And upon further inspection (I just stopped typing to squeeze them) they are still sore. I feel a little weepy. That is definitely a sign of AF being about to start, but it could also be something else.
I'm not really sure what to make of all of this. Well, I know that I'm making myself crazy with it all of a sudden. I didn't think too much about it until my temp did not drop this morning. Of course that sets off all the "hope" alarms, you know. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm starting to wonder...
I'm not trying to get anyone's hopes up, but I had to share this with all of you since I don't have anyone else to share it with. I've been down this road before and it won't be a big surprise when (if) AF shows up...but I always have to hope.
Showing posts with label CD28. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CD28. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Getting Antsy
I'm here on CD28 and still no spotting. I had a sharp abdominal pain last night right before I fell asleep so I guessed that AF would be making her appearance by morning. Nope. I inspected the TP and still see no tinges of color...yet. I'm really wishing that I would stop getting my hopes up. Tomorrow would be a very normal day to just "start" with no spotting. And I thought I would be going back to my old ways when I had the spotting for the last 2 or 3 cycles.
I hate hope. I've been at this for over 9 years already and you would think that I would learn my lesson...not to hope. But I'm dumb, and unfortunately I can't seem to give up this very unhealthy relationship with hope. Do you know that I have even figured out how I'm going to announce a pregnancy on my blog? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I learn the lesson that my body has tried relentlessly to teach me? As if I haven't been hit over the head enough while suffering through IF, I STILL let myself hope. Why?
I was having a conversation with a co-worker that I have known for 10 years. We were discussing saving vacation days. I blurted out that over the last 2 years I have banked 10 days of vacation because "I had this plan to have a baby and that would allow me 2 more weeks to stay home but that is out the window now". Then she asked if she could pry and I nodded. She asked why my baby plan went out the window. And I said, "because I can't have kids". She then said "and you know this for sure now?" And I said "yes." Then I started to well up and told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She gave me the pity look and I think she started to well up, too. I definitely don't want to be a pity case. That is one of the main reasons why I have kept my/our struggles to myself for all these years. Having a baby is the most natural, human thing a woman can do. Except I can't seem to do it. I have some very strong insecurities about myself and the fact that I can't do this just adds to them and makes me wonder why I was born a female?
I wondered growing up if my dad had wished I was a boy. He was very persuasive about me playing sports and learning to shoot and fish and to clean fish (I never did that...gross!) that were caught. My body did not develop the way all my friends' did. I am very small chested and have been teased all my life about that. I look like a boy (almost) if I'm not wearing my padded bra. Women should be 'womanly' and I don't feel that way most of the time. I grew up as a tomboy, with boy friends. I still have issues trying to fit in with other women. I'm more comfortable just being "one of the guys". I have some very girly tendencies....I style my hair, I wear make up (on the weekends), I like pedicures and purses (thanks for that phrase!). And I'm definitely all woman when it comes to recognizing a hot man. I just feel like my body should have been a boy. The only really distinguishing feature is my wide, child bearing hips. However, it doesn't seem like they will be bearing any children.
This post went down a road I hadn't intended. Some times the thoughts just come and I get on a roll. It was just supposed to be about how antsy I am getting for AF to show up. I hate that she teases like this. It's a harder slap each and every time she lets me get a glimmer of hope. But I guess I'm more to blame than she is, right? There's a saying...fool me once blah, blah, blah. She has definitely fooled me more than once so the majority of the shame lies with me, myself and I.
I won't test until Friday if there is still no spotting. I have to give myself guidelines and I have to stick to these guidelines, otherwise I will go insane. My head knows that there is an end coming to this cycle any minute but my heart refuses to let go of the hope. After all, what if?
I hate hope. I've been at this for over 9 years already and you would think that I would learn my lesson...not to hope. But I'm dumb, and unfortunately I can't seem to give up this very unhealthy relationship with hope. Do you know that I have even figured out how I'm going to announce a pregnancy on my blog? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I learn the lesson that my body has tried relentlessly to teach me? As if I haven't been hit over the head enough while suffering through IF, I STILL let myself hope. Why?
I was having a conversation with a co-worker that I have known for 10 years. We were discussing saving vacation days. I blurted out that over the last 2 years I have banked 10 days of vacation because "I had this plan to have a baby and that would allow me 2 more weeks to stay home but that is out the window now". Then she asked if she could pry and I nodded. She asked why my baby plan went out the window. And I said, "because I can't have kids". She then said "and you know this for sure now?" And I said "yes." Then I started to well up and told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She gave me the pity look and I think she started to well up, too. I definitely don't want to be a pity case. That is one of the main reasons why I have kept my/our struggles to myself for all these years. Having a baby is the most natural, human thing a woman can do. Except I can't seem to do it. I have some very strong insecurities about myself and the fact that I can't do this just adds to them and makes me wonder why I was born a female?
I wondered growing up if my dad had wished I was a boy. He was very persuasive about me playing sports and learning to shoot and fish and to clean fish (I never did that...gross!) that were caught. My body did not develop the way all my friends' did. I am very small chested and have been teased all my life about that. I look like a boy (almost) if I'm not wearing my padded bra. Women should be 'womanly' and I don't feel that way most of the time. I grew up as a tomboy, with boy friends. I still have issues trying to fit in with other women. I'm more comfortable just being "one of the guys". I have some very girly tendencies....I style my hair, I wear make up (on the weekends), I like pedicures and purses (thanks for that phrase!). And I'm definitely all woman when it comes to recognizing a hot man. I just feel like my body should have been a boy. The only really distinguishing feature is my wide, child bearing hips. However, it doesn't seem like they will be bearing any children.
This post went down a road I hadn't intended. Some times the thoughts just come and I get on a roll. It was just supposed to be about how antsy I am getting for AF to show up. I hate that she teases like this. It's a harder slap each and every time she lets me get a glimmer of hope. But I guess I'm more to blame than she is, right? There's a saying...fool me once blah, blah, blah. She has definitely fooled me more than once so the majority of the shame lies with me, myself and I.
I won't test until Friday if there is still no spotting. I have to give myself guidelines and I have to stick to these guidelines, otherwise I will go insane. My head knows that there is an end coming to this cycle any minute but my heart refuses to let go of the hope. After all, what if?
Friday, August 21, 2009
The Infertility Song
Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.
This is Green Day's song called "21 Guns". When I heard this song and listened to more than just the chorus I started crying. This song is 99% about IF...I just KNOW it. I know it's not really about IF and IVF failures, but it hit the nail on the head. Every time I hear it I get goose bumps. It brings all my feelings forward about my failed IVF. I feel like I'm in ruins and I can't get another try and a part of my heart has died. I can relate to almost every single lyric in this song. THAT doesn't happen too often in today's Pop Culture music. Thanks to Green Day for reaching out to me in this way.
Any trace of spotting that I had has disappeared completely. However, I know the period is on the way because I'm getting very agitated very quickly. At this point, I just want it to show up so I can get on with things...like temping and charting and obsessing about BD'ing and all that GOOD stuff. :-)
If you get a chance, please stop on over to Conceive This! and drop a few lines of encouragement as she is undergoing her FET today!
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.
This is Green Day's song called "21 Guns". When I heard this song and listened to more than just the chorus I started crying. This song is 99% about IF...I just KNOW it. I know it's not really about IF and IVF failures, but it hit the nail on the head. Every time I hear it I get goose bumps. It brings all my feelings forward about my failed IVF. I feel like I'm in ruins and I can't get another try and a part of my heart has died. I can relate to almost every single lyric in this song. THAT doesn't happen too often in today's Pop Culture music. Thanks to Green Day for reaching out to me in this way.
Any trace of spotting that I had has disappeared completely. However, I know the period is on the way because I'm getting very agitated very quickly. At this point, I just want it to show up so I can get on with things...like temping and charting and obsessing about BD'ing and all that GOOD stuff. :-)
If you get a chance, please stop on over to Conceive This! and drop a few lines of encouragement as she is undergoing her FET today!
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