It's almost May already. The year is almost half over. Unbelievable. May brings 2 days that are very special to me...my birthday and our anniversary. The other day in May that brings happiness to millions of people is Mother's Day.
When I was a kid, I loved Mother's day because I would think of something really nice and sweet to do for my step-mom. I would make her a nice card or craft and she would love it, not matter what it looked like. That's how moms are.
When my TTC journey began I dreamt of being a mother and getting sweet things from my child on Mother's day. When teenagers with unexpected pregnancies started to become mothers before me, I began to feel a bit bitter. When women that were married after me and tried for less than 3-6 months to get knocked up became mothers, I began to be even more bitter. And now that I have failed at TTC for all these years with 2 IUI's and an IVF under my belt I am downright disgusted with just about anything to do with Mother's day.
Along with the fact that I can't conceive and become a mother, my relationship with my own mother is strained to say the least, and that makes me cringe at anything related to Mother's day. I am still happy about being able to do something nice for my step-mom, but thankfully (and this might not sound right but I think other IF girls will understand what I mean) she lives far away so I can just send her something nice and give her a call. I don't have to do anything on Mother's day that will compound the fact that not only should I be a mother but she should be a grandmother.
It's bad enough that I know Mother's day is just around the corner, but do I need to be beat over the head with all the propaganda surrounding it? I mean seriously...do I need to see Mother's day advertisements on FB, the TV, almost every sidebar of every web page I open? And the FB postings have already begun...you know the ones that say things like "if your mother is your hero blah, blah, blah, post this as your status update blah, blah, blah." I love my mother. I cherish my mother. We do not, under any circumstances, have a healthy, normal (whatever that is) relationship to where I feel the need to honor her with the title of "hero".
Mother's day is a double edged sword to me. I'm not a mother and probably never will be. I feel like I don't have a mother, either. And then I have a great step-mother that lives so far away we don't really have a close relationship like a mother and daughter should. Can I please just sleep through that day?
For all of my bloggy buddies that are expecting, I am so happy that you are now mothers and that next year on that day you will be holding your children in your arms. I envy the love you will feel and the love you will get from those wonderful little human beings. I can only imagine how your heart will swell and soar with happiness when you wake up next May and get to fully celebrate Mother's day for the first time. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
My remedy for Mother's day this year is to plan a trip with BJ. We have been saying for a few months now that we need to get away for a couple of days and we keep putting it off. And what better day to hit the road and concentrate on my husband, relaxing and taking in some sights? I'm hoping to make a reservation for Ocean City by the end of the week this week. The last thing I want is to be at home on Mother's day thinking about my empty womb and my empty bedroom #4.