Friday, April 23, 2010

CD1

Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I don't have good news to report. All of the emotions running through my body right now are making it difficult to string a coherent post together but I will try.

I was having anxiety yesterday waiting for the spotting to start...or for full blown AF to show up with her arms flailing announcing her visit. It was to the point where I was really starting to believe that we might have gotten our miracle. But at the same time I was terrified and I don't really know where that emotion came from. As the day wore on I was sinking lower and lower. And I guess that's when I really knew that she was on her way.

On the bus ride home I was talking to BJ on the phone and told him that I started my sneezing habit back up. For some reason when I was sick over the last couple of weeks, I quit sneezing. Well, it started again yesterday. When I told him that, he asked me if had started anything else. I told him no. I told him that I thought it best (for me) to not stop and buy a test because I knew as soon as I did, it would show up. He agreed that we would just continue to wait.

When I got home, I went to the bathroom and wiped and stared at the TP for a good 30 seconds before I started crying. There was spotting. It was red. It was enough to know that I had failed again. I cried for a good 5 minutes straight. I haven't cried like that over IF since my IVF failed. It hit me hard this month. I guess because of the clomid and the good timing we had and the fact that my period was late and I hadn't spotted yet. All of that stuff fit nicely in the box known as Hope. I had even wrapped the box in a nice ribbon and let myself start thinking about a baby growing in me. It was foolish of me to be so blind and to expect that it could actually happen. I kept the news from BJ as long as I could. The Little Guy was out our house and I didn't want to give him reason to ask me questions and I certainly didn't want BJ to tell me to stop crying for fear of being found out. We went up to bed and I went to the bathroom again. There was enough of AF starting that I knew I'd need something over night. I came out of the bathroom in tears. BJ asked me what was wrong and I told him. He was disappointed, told me he was sorry and we laid in bed holding hands while I cried myself to sleep.

I'm not much better today. I'm in a bad place. I'm tired of all of it. The ups and downs, the temping and charting, the hopes and dreams, the disappointment and the heartache. It's getting to be too much. I'm starting to wonder if I really should just stop this quest and just live my life the way God apparently intended for me to. I'm sure He doesn't want me to be depressed. He doesn't want me to hate my body. He doesn't want me to question Him or His plan. He obviously just wants me to be a wife and step mother and call it a day. I mean, after 9 years you would think I would get the hint. I'm not a stupid person, I can learn a lesson. It has just taken a really long time for me to learn this one.

And I have to put on a happy face today as I am going to lunch with the other support staff in the office to celebrate Administrative Professionals Day (Wednesday). Our bosses are out of town so we are going to lunch together. I'm hoping it will be a good distraction and maybe even perk me up a bit. Fridays are my favorite day of the week. Especially ones like today where it's sunny and in the mid 70's. Maybe once I get outside and enjoy the sun my mood will rise. I hope so because I'm feeling pretty shitty right now so the only way I can go is up, right?

22 comments:

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

Ugh, I'm so so sorry. We were all hoping along with you, so much. I hope it being Friday makes things a tiny bit better. {{{HUGS}}}

EC said...

I'm sorry! I know it's so upsetting, especially when you get your hopes up. I hope you have a better day today!

A said...

Oh gosh. Isn't it amazing how some days the weight of IF is like a billion times heavier than others? The unpredictability is one of the hardest parts of this struggle for me. I am so sorry for CD1.

And yes, the only way to go from rock bottom is up! Praying for sunshine for you today B-)

Pie said...

Darn, TeeJay. I was hopeful right along with you. It is so hard to understand the why to all of this.

((((HUGS lots of HUGS))))))

Adventures in Baby Waiting said...

Teejay, oh sweetie. A terrible feeling. I have to say I had one of those good long hard cries not too long ago. I know it takes a real low feeling to cry that hard. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have been following you and hoping my guts out for you. Hang in there girlie.

Mel. said...

Oh TeeJay, I'm so very sorry!! I'm sending HUGE (((HUGS))) your way!

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that she showed and that you have to put on a happy face. You're in my thoughts.

Miriam said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling... sometimes I think unexplained IF is the hardest Dx to cope with. It's just not fair. And as for God, you forge your own path, but don't lose faith. I know it'll be hard to put on the happy face today, but when 5 o'clock rolls around the weekend is yours and yours alone. Take the time you need to pamper and do for yourself this weekend.

*hug*
~Miriam (ICLW #63) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

Alex said...

I am so very sorry. Take the time to feel this pain today and this weekend. And be good to yourself - you deserve it!

someday-soon said...

ARGH! I'm sorry {{{HUGS}}} CD1 and 2 are the days to spoil yourself rotten with something that can lift your spirits...even if only a bit.

Fran said...

Oh Teejay I'm so sorry. this IF business is just hell. I also wanted to thank you so much for your support on my blog. Big hugs girl, we'll both get there. Fran

AplusB said...

Crap, I'm sorry. I hope you can still enjoy the weekend.

awomanmyage said...

ICLW - I always found it hard to figure out if the universe was telling me to call it a day or hang in there five more minutes. In either case, you will persevere.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I'm so sorry that the witch showed up! I can't tell you how to feel, but I want to say that you aren't a failure! Hang in there...

gracieinbrooklyn said...

Crap. I am so sorry TeeJay. Just catching up after being on the road and sending many, many hugs your way. Hope sucks...

Mrs. Bushey said...

My cycle was a day longer than normal and I really got my hopes up. I've had a 10 day LP for a year and this month I made it to 11dpo with out spotting ( I've been spotting starting 7dpo for the last 3 months) and thought it was it. But I woke up on 12dpo and started spotting...talk about heartbreak.

I wish no one ever had to deal with infertility.It's such a heartbreak. Visting from ICLW!

Kristin said...

I am so very sorry TeeJay. IF puts us through the emotional and physical wringer and it just isn't fair. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.

~ICLW

Wishing 4 One said...

i am so sorry girl. this IF road is a long and shitty one, I know. i really hope you will get off this road someday, I hope we all will, its not easy and its a long winding one, but there has to be light at the end of tunnel, there just has to be. thinking of you and take good care of yourself. happy iclw.

Billy said...

So sorry.
ICLW

Ceejay said...

I'm so sorry that AF came. CD1 sucks. And having your hopes crushed sucks. I hope you're feeling better today after the weekend. And it is okay to question God's plans for you sometimes. As long as you do it to him and don't just get angry to shut him out of your life. Then at least you're still talking to him.

Stefanie said...

I'm so sorry that CD1 arrived. I hope you'll be feeling better soon.

~stopping by for ICLW #126

Leah said...

I'm really sorry for your pain. It's always so hard when we allow ourselves to feel hope. Thinking of you.