Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Welcome ICLW'ers!

It's that time again, already. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome any passers by to my blog. It's a little all over the place sometimes even though I try to keep myself organized. You can learn about my (long) journey on my sidebar but I'll give you a quick recap:

I'm 33 (almost 34) and I'm on my second marriage. I have a great step son that is almost 9. I call him the Little Guy. My husband is known on this blog as BJ and he's great. I've been TTC my first child since I was 24 years old and with my first husband. There has never been a diagnosis of why I can't get pregnant. It's one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and at times I really feel done with all of it. BJ and I have undergone 3 fertility treatments. I had 2 IUI's (medicated and monitored) and an IVF. We have nothing to show for it except depleted funds and disappointment. We are out of money and out of options and almost out of time. BJ is almost 38 and he's about ready to throw in the towel. I don't blame him a bit, but it scares the hell out of me because I don't know how not to try and hope and plan for a pregnancy every month. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Right now, I'm on CD29 with no visible signs of my period yet. I'm a spotter and I'm not spotting. I didn't spot for a long time after my IVF but recently picked that habit back up. I'm a little bloated, a little gassy, a little testy, a little sensitive....nothing too out of the ordinary. I haven't been temping because I was wicked sick about 2 weeks ago and wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time so I decided to just skip it. I took 50mg of clomid this cycle (prescribed by my regular ob/gyn that I had to almost beg for) to give me a sense of being productive and I ovulated from what felt like both sides. I usually have a 26 day cycle. Things have been a bit wonky since my IVF...23 days, 28 days, 27 days, 26 get the picture. I thought for sure that I was out this month as of this morning. I got off the bus (I commute via a commuter bus in to DC for my job) and immediately felt a wetness between my legs. I almost sat down on a bench and started crying. However, the amount of wetness prompted me to walk faster so that I could get to the bathroom at work. As I'm walking, my eyes are welling up with tears of sadness and frustration. I grab my feminine products and rush to the bathroom. I slowly pull down my pants and much to my's not red. It's not even brown. It looked like just regular cm that I see before ovulation. So then I did my business and fully expected to wipe and see some sort of color. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So I live to see another day, or at least another trip to the bathroom before my hopes are dashed.

Last night while we were making dinner, BJ asked me..."so did you start bleeding yet?" And I told him no and that I haven't seen any sign of it, either. And then I followed up with the comment that of course now that I said it out loud I'd start, and he agreed with me. See, we both have such positive attitudes about all of this. :-)

That is where we stand right now. Oh, and for those of you that are new or just stopping by, I try to keep things positive around here by recognizing certain things every couple of days or so that bring me happiness. It's so easy to lose ourselves in grief and depression (that's me for sure) that it helps me to sit down and list a few things that make me happy. I call these posts my Happiness Is posts. There will be one a little later today as my husband did something very sweet for me yesterday!

Thanks for stopping by!


Mel. said...

I'm keeping my crossables crossed that you have a big Happiness from this cycle!!

Dr. Edward Ramirez, MD, FACOG said...

Hello, I hope that you can achieve your goal with your new marriage. It might help for you to visit my blog to see if there is anything there that might help you with decisions you may have to make in the future. I know that you are in your mid-thirties, you stimulated well with IVF, so there is no reason why you can't keep trying with IUI's, although I don't know all your test results. Good luck with your journey! ICLW #7

Anonymous said...

Good luck with your journey!

CM was my BFF!! :-)