Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Getting Antsy

I'm here on CD28 and still no spotting. I had a sharp abdominal pain last night right before I fell asleep so I guessed that AF would be making her appearance by morning. Nope. I inspected the TP and still see no tinges of color...yet. I'm really wishing that I would stop getting my hopes up. Tomorrow would be a very normal day to just "start" with no spotting. And I thought I would be going back to my old ways when I had the spotting for the last 2 or 3 cycles.

I hate hope. I've been at this for over 9 years already and you would think that I would learn my lesson...not to hope. But I'm dumb, and unfortunately I can't seem to give up this very unhealthy relationship with hope. Do you know that I have even figured out how I'm going to announce a pregnancy on my blog? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I learn the lesson that my body has tried relentlessly to teach me? As if I haven't been hit over the head enough while suffering through IF, I STILL let myself hope. Why?

I was having a conversation with a co-worker that I have known for 10 years. We were discussing saving vacation days. I blurted out that over the last 2 years I have banked 10 days of vacation because "I had this plan to have a baby and that would allow me 2 more weeks to stay home but that is out the window now". Then she asked if she could pry and I nodded. She asked why my baby plan went out the window. And I said, "because I can't have kids". She then said "and you know this for sure now?" And I said "yes." Then I started to well up and told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She gave me the pity look and I think she started to well up, too. I definitely don't want to be a pity case. That is one of the main reasons why I have kept my/our struggles to myself for all these years. Having a baby is the most natural, human thing a woman can do. Except I can't seem to do it. I have some very strong insecurities about myself and the fact that I can't do this just adds to them and makes me wonder why I was born a female?

I wondered growing up if my dad had wished I was a boy. He was very persuasive about me playing sports and learning to shoot and fish and to clean fish (I never did that...gross!) that were caught. My body did not develop the way all my friends' did. I am very small chested and have been teased all my life about that. I look like a boy (almost) if I'm not wearing my padded bra. Women should be 'womanly' and I don't feel that way most of the time. I grew up as a tomboy, with boy friends. I still have issues trying to fit in with other women. I'm more comfortable just being "one of the guys". I have some very girly tendencies....I style my hair, I wear make up (on the weekends), I like pedicures and purses (thanks for that phrase!). And I'm definitely all woman when it comes to recognizing a hot man. I just feel like my body should have been a boy. The only really distinguishing feature is my wide, child bearing hips. However, it doesn't seem like they will be bearing any children.

This post went down a road I hadn't intended. Some times the thoughts just come and I get on a roll. It was just supposed to be about how antsy I am getting for AF to show up. I hate that she teases like this. It's a harder slap each and every time she lets me get a glimmer of hope. But I guess I'm more to blame than she is, right? There's a saying...fool me once blah, blah, blah. She has definitely fooled me more than once so the majority of the shame lies with me, myself and I.

I won't test until Friday if there is still no spotting. I have to give myself guidelines and I have to stick to these guidelines, otherwise I will go insane. My head knows that there is an end coming to this cycle any minute but my heart refuses to let go of the hope. After all, what if?


Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

You're not dumb, you're human. All of us IF ladies have been there, hoping against hope, 100% at the ready to beat ourselves up if it turned out to be wrong. And sometimes it's not wrong. I'm PRAYING that your hope is not wrong this cycle.

A said...

I have an extremely intensive love/hate relationship with hope. So I have definitely been in your shoes. It kills me to hope every single cycle only to be disappointed, but I mean, I can't NOT hope, you know?!?! I am praying along side Lara that your hope isn't going to fake you out this cycle!!

Mel. said...

If we didn't have hope that it will work at some point, we'd have to give up. If nothing else, I'll keep up hope for you (easier than keeping it up for myself...). Add my P&PTs to the list!

Pie said...

Uh-oh, did I send you down that road? :) Well, you know where I stand with women. And you know you are not alone.

Ahh, hope. She is a cruel b*tch. I am grappling with her myself these days, it is a constant battle. It's like - everywhere else in my life, I learn from the past, I make changes. But with TTC, nope, I get my hope up every time, no matter how much my head tries to fight it. Ugh.

My fingers are crossed - arhg! See! I'm still hopeful. It never ends.

Patrish said...

I feel the same way about hope. It's nice to have only until you are let down. Then it just hurts....Keeping my fingers crossed for you. ((HUGS))

someday-soon said...

I always figure that hope is the only fun part of the TTC roller coaster...and I agree with Lara, it's only human to hold out hope for what you want =)

Body issues are such a beeotch! I've dealt with them my whole life...going through anerexia, belemia, etc. and always feeling fat and like I never fit in with the girls. All my friends were guys too and I'd much rather watch a game and drink a beer than go shopping or talk about make-up. It takes all kinds and I know it's so hard to be proud of your body when TTC and struggling...but it really is an amazing gift to have a strong healthy body. I'm thinking about you, sending lots of PTs and GL!!!

AplusB said...

Hope is such a beautiful word, yet such a dark place. I am holding onto the very real possibility that you are pregnant and hope you get to test Friday and see a beautiful BFP.
I know what you mean about pity. It's almost worse than the sadness of IF, which is why I tell practically no one.

Auntie Sissy said...

Hope is what drives us to more forward. But I understand the increased pain it can cause when there is a negative result. I am at the tail end of my 2ww, and I'm struggling with hope as well. I am also struggling with fear of failure.

As far as testing- I am hoping and wishing you get a lovely positive result.

sienna said...

hi - i'm here from ICLW. just wanted to say that i feel you on the waiting for AF to start. my periods aren't regular, and my traitorous body always makes me think i'm getting my period, and then --> no cigar. please don't lose hope. at times, it's the only thing that keeps us going through all this. i'm wishing you tons of luck and hoping for a bfp for you soon :o)