1 - I feel like I have a cyst. This will delay my cycle and might be cause for concern once stims start. I was on Lupron too long the first time and had a paltry response to stims.
2 - My nurse never put me in the appointment book for my us/bw appointment on Saturday. She's very nice but a little flighty. I'm glad I called to confirm my appointment time. She makes me nervous.
3 - I will be paying for this cycle later this afternoon when the rep from the program calls me. Making the payment is a pretty big step in moving forward...closer to our dream or closer to...I can't even think that way.
4 - I'm scared to death of not responding well enough and getting canceled. We don't have the money to do this again.
5 - I'm at the point where I've had too much time to think and I start to worry...worry about all that can go wrong. It's silly to do this to myself but it seems I just can't help it.
6 - After looking at the calendar I realized that I will know whether or not I'm pregnant about a week before Mother's Day (providing we stay on track). That day could either suck royally (more than passed years) or be the greatest Mother's Day ever.
7 - This is the best one yet...I'm scared of succeeding and then having something go wrong.
Why does this fear eat away at me? I don't know why I keep giving in. The only thing that I should be thinking about right now is my scan on Saturday. Beyond that, there's just a foggy picture right now. I need to learn how to live in the now and stop being so scared of the unknown. I think infertility has skewed my view of good things that can happen. We seem to always fall on the short side of the statistics. I don't think I can actually accept that this just may work. It's too much to think about, really. If it works then there is another can of worms that will open up...a can that is all new and foreign to me. One that I'm scared of but one that I desperately want. How crazy is that? How crazy is it that I want something new to worry about? I want to worry about rising betas, about ultrasounds and heartbeats. I think I might just be sick in the head after all....I mean who wants to worry about that? Don't we all just wish that we could go through life like normal women? Get pregnant and just be happy about it and start telling everyone no matter how far along you are? Start buying maternity clothes and nursery furniture at 8 or 9 weeks? Wouldn't that be grand? Yes it would. I don't live in that world. Much like most of you don't live in that world, either. Instead we live in a world where we have to worry about bcp, stims, hormone levels and when we can trigger. We worry about never seeing 2 lines and then when we do...we worry some more. I've never seen those 2 lines but I'm hoping to very soon. And I'm hoping that I can let go of some of this fear when/if that happens.
I am going to do my best to just focus on one day at a time. The first hurdle is going to be my scan on Saturday. Where I'm hoping that I'm cyst free and ready to go. That is as far into the future as I can hope right now. One Day at a Time.