Monday, March 28, 2011

Reasons I'm Nervous/Anxious

1 - I feel like I have a cyst.  This will delay my cycle and might be cause for concern once stims start.  I was on Lupron too long the first time and had a paltry response to stims.

2 - My nurse never put me in the appointment book for my us/bw appointment on Saturday.  She's very nice but a little flighty.  I'm glad I called to confirm my appointment time.  She makes me nervous.

3 -  I will be paying for this cycle later this afternoon when the rep from the program calls me.  Making the payment is a pretty big step in moving forward...closer to our dream or closer to...I can't even think that way.

4 - I'm scared to death of not responding well enough and getting canceled.  We don't have the money to do this again.

5 - I'm at the point where I've had too much time to think and I start to worry...worry about all that can go wrong.  It's silly to do this to myself but it seems I just can't help it.

6 - After looking at the calendar I realized that I will know whether or not I'm pregnant about a week before Mother's Day (providing we stay on track).  That day could either suck royally (more than passed years) or be the greatest Mother's Day ever.

7 - This is the best one yet...I'm scared of succeeding and then having something go wrong.

Why does this fear eat away at me?  I don't know why I keep giving in.  The only thing that I should be thinking about right now is my scan on Saturday.  Beyond that, there's just a foggy picture right now.  I need to learn how to live in the now and stop being so scared of the unknown.  I think infertility has skewed my view of good things that can happen.  We seem to always fall on the short side of the statistics.  I don't think I can actually accept that this just may work.  It's too much to think about, really.  If it works then there is another can of worms that will open up...a can that is all new and foreign to me.  One that I'm scared of but one that I desperately want.  How crazy is that?  How crazy is it that I want something new to worry about?  I want to worry about rising betas, about ultrasounds and heartbeats.  I think I might just be sick in the head after all....I mean who wants to worry about that?  Don't we all just wish that we could go through life like normal women?  Get pregnant and just be happy about it and start telling everyone no matter how far along you are?  Start buying maternity clothes and nursery furniture at 8 or 9 weeks?  Wouldn't that be grand?  Yes it would.  I don't live in that world.  Much like most of you don't live in that world, either.  Instead we live in a world where we have to worry about bcp, stims, hormone levels and when we can trigger.  We worry about never seeing 2 lines and then when we do...we worry some more.  I've never seen those 2 lines but I'm hoping to very soon.  And I'm hoping that I can let go of some of this fear when/if that happens.

I am going to do my best to just focus on one day at a time.  The first hurdle is going to be my scan on Saturday.  Where I'm hoping that I'm cyst free and ready to go.  That is as far into the future as I can hope right now.  One Day at a Time.


Alex said...

The anxiety is huge! And very very normal. Especially the day you're going to spend the money - of course you're anxious! I have no advice on how to focus only on the thing that's in front of you - I've never been very good at this. The only advice I have is try to stay busy. There's no way you can protect your future self in any respect, so just feel what you feel, and it's ok. Sending you a hug!!!

Anonymous said...

I hate when milestones or test days happen near holidays :(. It just adds so much pressure to an already pressure-filled situation. Of course, I am really hoping this is your BEST MOTHER'S DAY ever!!
One day at a time is about all anyone can handle!

AplusB said...

I hate the pre-cycle anxiety...but I like focusing on one day at a time! Wishing you lots of calm the next few days and weeks.

Mel. said...

All the anxiety is completely normal, especially after years of IF, but I think one day at a time is the only way to make it through. I hope with everything I have that this is the greatest Mother's Day for you!!

A said...

i am surprised they have you pay so early- i dont think we paid for our ivf cycle until maybe the day before the trigger- if you get cancelled, do they refund your money?! that would totally stress me out, too.

coming from someone else who was cancelled thanks to lupron, i totally know how it feels to worry about being cancelled again. will be praying that you respond much better this time and have the best mother's day ever (HUGGGGGG)

Amanda said...

I totally understand where you're coming from. I have the same fears as you, and I agree...I would love to be worrying about betas and u/s instead of ovulation and implantation. But, like you said, take it one day at a time. Even one hour at a time.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and hugs..

Erin said...

Who could blame you? I'd be anxious, too ... I am really hoping for the best possible outcome for you guys!