Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and advice on my last post.  I had been doing some web surfing to see if I could find a reason why it happened and many people said it was because of an illness (like my brilliant readers).  If it happens again (not in our bed or the Little Guy's because they have both been banned) I will be getting them both tested for infections.

We are moving right along with our IVF plan.  BJ is scheduled to drop off his, um, sample and get his blood work done Monday.  I'm on CD19 right now (I had to check my FF chart to see where I am!!) but I have no idea when I ovulated because I didn't feel it this month.  However, I'm sure AF will show up next week between the 16th and the 19th.  Once that happens I will call and make my CD3 appointment and then begin bcp on that day as long as everything checks out ok.  We will really be on our way...wow...I sometimes can't believe we are doing this again.

Sometimes I feel like "why are we wasting our money?"  Other times it's "of course it will work this time...we are more prepared as far as my protocol goes."  BJ had a bad experience trying to make his appointment with the receptionist and he called me to vent about it.  In his venting he blurted out that he believes it will not work and that the clinic will just get more of our money.  I let him vent instead of starting an argument by questioning if he's really ready for this.  Of course that sent my mind in motion even more.

Should we be doing this?  Should we just leave well enough alone?  If it works, will it be everything I want it to be?  Will BJ and I clash over child rearing and will my marriage suffer?  With the sleep deprivation that will plague us cause us to constantly bicker?  If it doesn't work will I get my tubes blocked to put an end to this journey?  Will I be able to hold myself together enough knowing that I will be bio-child free for the rest of my life?  Will my marriage suffer because of my depression that is sure to set in?  Will we pursue adoption?  Am I ready to share another child?  How would we afford adoption if we spend $8,000 on a failed IVF?  Adoption can cost up to $30,000...wow.

There are so many questions running through my mind right now.  I know it's because we didn't cycle right away...too much time to think about everything and analyze and second guess.  I know I want a baby, but what if it changes things and not for the better...as far as my marriage goes?  I worry about that.  I worry because BJ already feels like he's too old to start over.  I worry because we don't see eye to eye on about 35% of child rearing issues.  I worry because I don't know how NOT to worry.

I must sound like a rambling fool.  I know I am fortunate enough to be able to pay for an IVF.  Millions of women don't get that opportunity.  I'm just not the type that can move through life with reckless abandon.  I feel that we pretty much did that earlier with our 2 IUI's and our failed IVF.  I would have moved straight to IVF and probably qualified for the shared risk program since I didn't have a failed IVF under my belt yet.  There's no use dwelling on the past but it still really bugs me.

Anyway, I'm just rambling here and I don't even know if this post makes any sense.  I want a baby and I'm hoping with everything I have that I get one out of this.  The fear of the unknown must be what's really bothering me.  I'm hoping to feel differently once I actually start cycling.  Until then, I will sit here and worry about anything and everything.

4 comments:

someday-soon said...

Idle time gives the brain a lot of time to question. I felt very similar in the waiting period and had to promise myself to take one step at a time. During BCPs working out kept me sane. I figured it was something that took a lot of energy, kept me busy and was healthy. Maybe you could set a 30 day goal for yourself in something else and it will help keep your attention eslewhere? Hopefully the excitement takes over as the process ramps up!

Amanda said...

I think that the longer this IF journey takes, the more time we have to question things like this. The important thing is to listen to your heart and go with what your instincts are telling you.

I so so hope this works for you!

callmemama said...

I think it's definitely normal to have those thoughts flying around in your head right now. Sometimes I think we can't help but worry, even though we know that worrying doesn't help anything - we're just hardwired that way I guess!

I wish it were easier to KNOW if our decisions were the right ones. Only in hindsight can we be sure, unfortunately.

Still, I really have a lot of hope for you in this IVF! And you can work through all the parenting disagreements in 9 months, right? :)

Alex said...

You definitely do not sound like a rambling fool! These are very common and normal questions and concerns to have - it's scary stuff! I have so much hope for you that this IVF will work!!! And then all the concerns will just melt away...