Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Turning Point

I'm not sure if I ever blogged about the experience that changed my view on becoming a parent, so I will today.

When I was a kid (let's say 10-15) I didn't want to get married and I didn't want to have any kids.  I was adament about both.  Everyone said I would change my mind.  I told them that I wouldn't and I gave my reasons:
- I didn't want to answer to any man.
- I wanted my own life.
- I didn't want to cook and clean for a man.
- Kids came with marriage so I just wouldn't have any of those, either.
- I baby-sat so much that I knew how bratty kids could be and I didn't want to deal with it.
- I didn't want stretch marks and the pain of labor.

There were some deeper rooted reasons for these feelings that I didn't really realize at the time.  Time and maturity and learning a bit about human behavior helped me come to terms with such things.

- I had some bad experiences with a man when I was young and the thought of a man touching me made me sick to my stomach.
- I actually never thought anyone would want to marry me.
- We live in a pretty messed up world sometimes and the thought of bringing a child into said world really scared me.  I didn't think I was equipped to keep a child safe from all the bad.
- I could never picture myself being a mother let alone a wife to someone.

Not very sound reasons, but to a child with a young mind, it made perfect sense to me.

I was 16 and my step-mom had a friend that I baby-sat for on a pretty regular basis.  She was definitely the definition of Fertile Myrtle.  They had 3 kids and were expecting their 4th.  I was asked to be the person that would stay home with the 3 when it was time for the 4th to join the family.  Their first child was a special needs boy of 5 or 6.  Their second child was a girl that was 4 (I think) and their 3rd child was a girl that was just over 2.  The call came in the middle of the night.  I went over to their house and they were on their way out.  The youngest girl had trouble sleeping so I went into her room.  She was very upset and had cried herself into a mess.  I sat on her bed and then it happened.  She put her arms around me and laid her head on my chest and began to settle down.  I rocked her until her breathing steadied and she calmed down enough to lay back down.

The moment she put her little head on my chest my heart swelled and I knew that I wanted to be a mother.  I wanted my child to find comfort in me that way.  It felt kind of like the Grinch when his heart grows...I realized how great that feeling was and I wanted more of it.  I saw her as a child in need that turned to me for comforting and not just a kid I baby-sit.  It was eye opening to say the least.

Of course, I still never thought I'd get married.  I also never told anyone about that experience.  I couldn't let them know that I had changed my mind....I was a teenager and adults were never right.  :-)  It was that moment about 19 years ago that my heart began wanting a child.  It would take quite a few more years to really head down that path but that's just because I was young and not sure I was ready for a child just yet.  I've been ready for 10 years now and I hope that this IVF works and I get to realize my dream.

8 comments:

Amanda said...

beautiful story..thanks for sharing. What an amazing feeling that must have been.

Mel. said...

I hope with everything that this IVF leads you to experience that with your own little one!!

Pie said...

I hope so too, TeeJay. I really do. You are already a great step-mom, and I'm sure you'll be a great mom to a baby too.

someday-soon said...

What a wonderful story, it gives me goose bumps. I am so hopeful that this IVF cycle makes your dream of motherhood come true!

Alex said...

This is such a beautiful post - thank you for sharing. I'm so very hopeful that this IVF will turn you into a mother.

callmemama said...

Aww, Teejay, you really deserve to be a mom! Amazing how we change so much over the years...

Erin said...

I hope you get to realize your dream, too. I was a lot like that as a teenager -- I didn't like kids at all and could never picture myself having them. It took many years of holding and playing with my friends' babies before I felt comfortable with the idea, and now the irony is that having my own has turned out to be not as easy as I thought it would. :-)

eggsandsperm.com said...

I was exactly the same as you--it wasn't until I met my husband that I finally wanted children (I kind of always thought no one would want to marry me either). Yours is a very touching story!