I don't know why I do this to myself. I should know better. I need to stay off of my favorite iVillage message board. Every time I go there, I get upset. In my heart of hearts I'm so happy for the newly reported BFP's. The women on that board know what it's like to suffer and hurt and they deserve every bit of happiness that they get. It just hurts to know that they are moving on and I'm not. It's also tough to read about births of babies. I love the stories, don't get me wrong. It's tough because it reminds me of how long it has been since I started this journey, joined that board, began medical intervention and failed my IVF. I'm being left in the dust by the long-timers. It's great that they are moving on (fingers crossed that everything goes well for them) but it sucks to still be here...infertile with no signs of ever being able to "graduate". I know I'm supposed to be hopeful and full of positive thoughts, but you know what? I'm a realist and as much as I want to stay positive that I WILL be a mother, the reality is that it probably won't happen. There's no money (at least right now and I don't know how I will be able to save that much in the near future) for any more IVF's or even adoption. And after 9 years of trying I have no reason reason to believe that it will JUST happen on its own. I will keep trying and I will keep obsessing over my charts and my CM and checking the toilet paper with a magnifying glass...just in case I get my miracle.
My temp spiked way up high today....98.5! I didn't sleep very well last night and I kept waking up so I don't know how accurate that is. I usually get the spike 2 mornings after ovulation so that works out to be normal. It's just not usually that much of a spike. The only thing is that my temp yesterday was the same as the previous morning so FF will probably put ovulation as yesterday. I will adjust it accordingly if that is the case. I love it that I can manipulate the software like that.
I really need to change my blog background. I'm bored with this one already. I don't actually see it much, but when I do, I'm not in love with it. I want to feel like my background reflects a little of my personality...I don't actually know what that might be, but when I see it, I'll know it.