Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Inner Thoughts of a Pregnant Infertile

I know I’ve been quiet lately.  That is partly due to how busy I am at work.  It is also partly due to the fact that all I seem to want to write about is pregnancy stuff.  There ARE other things going on in my life but the pregnancy stuff is mostly front and center with me.  I need to find a good balance of writing so I don’t bore everyone to tears.  However, today I’m going to let you into my brain so that you can see what a whack job I have become.  Also, in case any other pregnant infertiles think they are crazy they can read this and know that they are not alone…nor are they crazy.  At least I hope that we aren’t all crazy.

·         Smelling (fill in the blank) didn’t make me gag, the baby’s heart must have stopped.

·         My stomach is still very squishy and soft…the baby must not be growing.

·         I’ve been suffering a major headache since Friday evening…the baby’s heart must have stopped and my hormones are plummeting.

·         I can brush my teeth without having to stop mid-way through due to excessive gagging…the baby’s heart must have stopped.

·         I slept all night without having to get up to pee…the baby must not be growing.

·         I’m leaking a huge amount of something…I must be losing the baby.  (No blood or spotting, just the Endometrin deciding to come out all at once sometimes.)

·         I started reading What to Expect on my Kindle…I hope I didn’t jinx anything.

·         Tomorrow is my last day on ALL meds so of course something will go wrong now.

·         I just know that as soon as I tell my parents about the baby that something will go wrong so I will just keep this HUGE secret to myself until I hear the h/b at my OB appointment.

·         What if there is no heartbeat at my OB appointment?

·         What if I have to write a blog post and make all of my Internet friends sad?

·         I’m a terrible mother already because I have not been eating nearly as healthy as I should be…what if I’ve already damaged my baby?  That book I mentioned above almost had me in tears this morning as it was listing how much of each kind of food I should be eating that I’m not.

·         I also read that I could already have toxoplasmosis from my cats even though I haven’t touched their litter since just before transfer.  I’m going to ask to be tested for it at my OB appointment.  Again, how could I not be more educated on that matter?

·         I felt horrible after drinking half of my V8 this morning…the baby must be fine…and not fond of V8.

·         I could only eat half my dinner last night so the baby must be fine, right?

These are just some of the random/irrational thoughts that have been going through my head lately.  I have no reason to believe that anything is wrong in there.  I also do not dwell on these thoughts.  Most of these thoughts are followed up with “baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.”

I know my last post was pretty similar to this one and I thank you all for your reassuring words.  I also thank you for your support though this tricky time.  I really am ok most of the time.  BJ and I started to get the basement cleaned up because it will need to be mostly finished before the baby gets here.  The nursery (holy cow!) will be what is now holding my scrapping stuff and his hunting stuff so we’ll need a place to put all of that.  We will make a dump run this weekend and maybe even buy some 2x4’s to start framing.  It’s still unbelievable to me that we are making preparations to bring a baby in the house.  I know there is a long way to go and that I’m still only 9 weeks and 5 days along, but it feels so damn good to talk about the baby and the changes it will bring to our lives.  BJ is already thinking about daycare centers, gulp.  He told me the other day that he really wants to look at baby furniture online.  I told him he could and then he said that he didn’t want to jinx anything.  I guess men can have some of those crazy thoughts too.

I don’t really have much to report on the pregnancy front.  I still get an upset stomach at random times of the day.  It happens a lot at night right before bed.  I’ve thrown up once but I’m pretty sure it was due to the major headache I’ve had since Friday.  Although it’s slowly getting better.  I’m not craving anything strange.  I’ve gained 2.5 pounds so far but plans are in the works for healthier eating…see above about the book that almost made me cry.  I’m not showing at all, much to the chagrin of BJ and the Little Guy.  Both of them keep asking me when I’ll have a belly.  I’m still pretty tired and of course the boobs are still hurting.  I stop my Delestrogen and my Endometrin tomorrow.  Scary stuff but I will be glad to be done with the panty liners and the goo.

That’s about all for now.  I hope to write a real post about something other than pregnancy anxiety very soon.  Hang in there with me…I’m a pregnant infertile and I have a week to go until my first OB appointment.  I bet you can hardly wait.  J

10 comments:

Alex said...

Oh my goodness, I had all of those crazy thoughts during my first trimester - and more! Definitely do not feel bad about them - all very normal, especially after going through what we have!!!

Hope this next week goes by very quickly! And I love that you guys are already nesting and figuring stuff out. Love it!

Samantha said...

If you're still feeling anxious, I would recommend that you not read What To Expect. That book is brutal. It is alarmist and always jumps to worst case scenarios.

EndoJourney said...

Um yes, yes, yes and yes! I've had SO many of those thoughts down to the exact same words! It really does help to know that either we're all crazy or maybe...just maybe...everything is ok! *huge huge hugs* Being a pregnant infertile is not easy. You're doing awesome! Hang in there.

Kate said...

I could have written this myself. I'll be nine weeks tomorrow. I even works myself up enough to go in for a scan just to check. We've wanted this for so long it's hard not to worry. And I don't think for one second that we are crazy. Hang in there :)

callmemama said...

I am pretty sure all those thoughts you're having are normal - from what I read on IF blogs anyway :). Hang in there, you're doing great!

Pie said...

Yup, I thought lots of that stuff too. Totally normal. And don't beat yourself up over the eating - I swear all i ate for the first tri was ground meat and starches. fruits and veg were just not appealing to me. i would hear about these pregnant women that would crave fruit, and i always felt bad because i just didn't want anything healthy like fruit. and my girl turned out just fine.

just one week, you'll get there!

someday-soon said...

We're here for the whole story...and we love to hear all the details of the pregnancy so don't feel like you need to focus on anything other than what is going on with you =) Friends told me to stop reading "What to Expect", they said it scares you unnecessarily...from your comments about tears maybe it would be better not to read? You'll probably have to wait a while for a belly, I started showing around 20 weeks. That's also when I gave in to reserving a spot at daycare (it does need to be done EARLY if you're going to get your first choice) and get furniture, set up a registry, etc.

Sarah D said...

Couldn't agree more; I'm right there with you...

I'm nervous that I'm not AS nervous about my ultrasound today as I was for the one last week! Surely the minute I let my guard down will be the minute something terrible happens, right?

(baby is fine, baby is fine, baby is fine :)

Augusta said...

first trimester fears are just NO FUN at all. It is like every moment on pins and needles. I hope the next scan comes quickly and provides heaps of reassurance. Cheering you on, my friend.

AplusB said...

The waiting between appointments is agony, but I'm sure everything is fine! I'm really excited for you and I know baby will look great at your appointment next week!