Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Two Week Wait of Another Kind

I have 2 weeks until my first OB appointment.  I’ve already waited a week so actually I’m in a 3 week wait.  It’s excruciating.  I’m hoping that once I know things are still going ok in there the wait between appointments won’t be so bad.  However, I’ve read enough IF blogs to know that that is just wishful thinking.  It’s what I’m going with though.

This past weekend I was convinced that everything was over.  Every single symptom (just about) disappeared into thin air.  I was on the go from 10:00am to 3:30pm and was hardly tired at all.  There were no queasy moments, no smell aversions and I pretty much could eat everything I set out to eat.  My breasts were barely tender and I developed a headache in the afternoon.  This is the type of headache that I used to get just days before my period would start.  It signaled the nose-diving progesterone.  I haven’t had a headache in months.  I also did not experience any twinges, pinches or pains in my uterus.  I was sure that it was over.  I explained these fears to BJ and he wasn’t really sure how to react.  He said that he’s never heard of a woman complaining about not throwing up.  He also said that he’s sure that not everyone goes through their entire pregnancy in pain.  I gently accused him of not being supportive of my fears.  He then said that he was just trying to make me feel better.  He’s sweet but he’s never lived with a pregnant infertile.

For all the reasons above, I did not share the news with my parents when I called my dad for Father’s day on Sunday.  I chickened out.  Plus, they were at a fish fry with all of my cousins so it just didn’t feel right.  Sunday was a day of not feeling pregnant, too.  I tried not to dwell on it.  I tried my mantra many times – baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.  It just wasn’t working.

When Monday arrived I started having the upset stomach again.  YAY!!  It really put my mind at ease to say the least.  I was extremely tired throughout the day and evening.  I had some pinches and twinges in the uterus again, too.  All very exciting stuff, let me tell you.

Being pregnant after suffering infertility is really hard.  As happy as I am, I’m also scared to death.  Since my belly is not growing yet (other than the constipation bloat) the only proof I have of a life growing inside is (are?) my symptoms.  I know that they come and go and that I should be grateful for the days I feel good.  I am grateful, but for the next 2 weeks these symptoms are my saving grace.  When they go away, I get scared.  I think it’s pretty normal to feel this way.  In fact, I read a post in my reader yesterday that I could have written myself.  You can check it out here.  She’s a little further along than me but it’s nice to know that I’m not a crazy lady for having these feelings.

These next 2 weeks are going to be tough and I’m not sure how I’m going to distract myself to help keep my sanity make the time go by faster.  I suppose I will need to put on my patient hat and just suck it up.  There’s nothing else to do, right?  BJ said that they won’t let me come in just because I’m scared and I know he’s right.  I just wish that I had a doctor 5 minutes from my house that would let me sneak in and listen for a heartbeat.  Although, at 8w5d I don’t think I’d be able to hear it from the outside.  *sigh*

I’m doing ok today because my stomach is a little upset and that is always reassuring.  It’s those moments when I fear the worst that really suck.  We’ve been having fun talking about the baby and especially being open about it in front of the LG.  BJ asked me when we are going to start looking at baby furniture.  WHAT?  I told him at least not until after my OB appointment but probably not until later than that.  He doesn’t quite get it.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at anything baby related other than my baby center app on my phone.  It’s not like I’m sitting here expecting the worst.  I’m just not sitting here thinking everything is going to be hunky dory.  Does that make sense?

I’m in total awe that I am pregnant and I’m not taking one minute of it for granted.  I’m just scared that a shoe will drop and this will all come to an end.  If something like that were a rarity I wouldn’t worry so much.  However, as we all know, it happens way too often.  I am not naïve enough to think that it could never happen to me.  I just keep hoping and praying that everything is going like it should.  Say it with me…baby’s fine, baby’s fine, baby’s fine.


Alex said...

Baby's fine, baby's fine, baby's fine!!!

I know this time is super scary. But you will get through it!!! Symptoms come and go. Fear ebbs and flows. But I do have to disagree with BJ - any reasonable doctor will let you come in if you're scared. Just tell them your symptoms have decreased, you're having anxiety, and you want an ultrasound. Use this as a last resort, but if you really want an ultrasound, you can get one.

But hang in there! Try to be distracted by other things. Holding your hand from afar...

someday-soon said...

Hang in there, I know how hard the waiting is. Really there is no magic answer. If your anxiety gets too great you could call your OB or RE and say you've had sharp abdominal pain and they'll get you in. I started using a doppler around 9-10 weeks and was able to find the heart rate. I checked in on her every Saturday morning and took belly pics...it was awesome at helping my anxiety until around 21 weeks when my belly started growing and I started feeling movement. I also waiting until that point to buy furniture and stuff. I can understand not wanting to do that quite yet...all normal feelings. I think your mantra is perfect {{{HUGS}}}

Pie said...

Umm, I totally think "just being scared" is a very good reason to go into the doctor. And yes, they would see you for exactly that reason. i did it. IF is a terrible thing that leaves us scarred, and the RE and/or OB should understand that and they do. Go in if you need to, it is ok.

Rebecca said...

Don't fret too much over symptoms disappearing. Its quite normal for hormone levels to fluctuate during pregnancy.

Esperanza said...

They might let you come in just because you're scared. They let me do that a few times at Kaiser during my second pregnancy. You never know, it could be worth a shot if you really want to.

I hope the next two weeks go by fast... For both of us! ;)

newbie said...

It's very normal for symptoms to come and go, but it's also very normal to be worried for the first trimester (and beyond!) But if possible, try to enjoy this precious time...it's such a special thing to be pregnant, and until you get bad news there's no reason to believe things aren't going just great!

Sarah D said...

De-lurking. I found your blog on Allison's Wonderland. I'm four days behind you pregnancy-wise (8w1d) and this post is EXACTLY how I'm feeling today. I go for my first OB appt tomorrow. They weren't going to do an ultrasound but I'm just freaking out and I can.not.stop. I'm going to beg and plead for an ultrasound if that's what it takes. This is just the hardest part; not knowing. I, like you, have had some nausea and tender boobs, and the symptoms come and go, and as soon as I feel better (physically) I feel worse (mentally). It's insane. Your commenters also made me feel better, so I hope they made you feel a little better; I agree: if your OB won't see you because you are nervous knowing your history, ditch them and find another if at all possible. I wouldn't let anyone that didn't make me feel completely comfortable (no matter how irrational I am being) look at my lady-bizness as much as your OB is going to have to.

I also had some bleeding at 6 weeks like you did (only mind turned out to be a subchorionic hematoma, just one more reason I'm crazy nervous.)

Anyhow, I don't actually have any useful advice, I'm just finding some similarities in our very close pregnancies :)

Anonymous said...

Great post. You're the cutest thing ever, and I hope you don't mind that I'm laughing at you just a little (but with a heart full of warmth and love). Hang in there, Lady. Hugsxo, TG
PS: Thanks for the good wishes, too! Feels so wonderful to be just a little bit behind you!

EndoJourney said...

Omg my symptoms disappeared last week too but they haven't come back yet. I so understand your anxiety and mistrust in all of this. After IF, how can we not question things that are not obvious or when there is no consistent proof? You are in my thoughts all the time and I'm sending your little one lots of love and growing vibes!

EC said...

I think I would feel the same way! I hope time flies until your next appointment!

Amber C said...

I'm on my second pregnancy TeeJay and I tell you what, I still think those scary thoughts. I found it reassuring once I was finally showing and could see the impact of baby on my body.

I moved blogs. Come visit sometime.


HopeBPatient said...

TOTALLY! I used to complain to Mr.Right that I wished there were some sort of red blinking light somewhere on my body in the first few months of pregnancy. Just to indicate whether I was still pregnant. Because it bugged THE CRAP out of me that I couldn't tell if I was still pregnant (absolutely zero symptoms here - at least until much later when I had a stuffy nose all the time, but by then I was showing). I mean, you're supposed to know, right?

Hang in there. It IS tough being pregnant after infertility/loss and don't let anybody make you feel badly for feeling anxious about being pregnant.

Take care of yourself!