Thursday, November 15, 2012

30 Week Update

Wow!  I can’t believe that I am 30 weeks pregnant.  I’m in the third trimester and things have just flown by.  I’ll start by giving a quick pregnancy update and then I have some other things I want to get in to.

I’ve had 2 OB appointments since I was told that I was measuring almost 2 weeks behind.  You will be happy to know that at the first appointment since that visit baby girl (and my uterus) went through a growth spurt.  At that appointment (and my appointment this week) I was measuring exactly where I should be!  Yay!  I will say that I was getting a little worried because not only was I measuring small but people kept telling me how little my belly was.  I actually still have people surprised at how far along I am when I tell them but I’ve also had people comment on how much my belly has grown and how big it is.  So I’m not worried anymore because I know everything is fine and I’ll just take the “small” comments as compliments.

I’ve gained 20 pounds so far.  Yikes!  That’s a lot on my small frame.  I’m wide and didn’t think I could get any wider but low and behold it has happened.  My hips, feet and back feel every single pound, too.  I passed my 1 hour glucose test and my blood pressure is good.  Everything is going along very smoothly.  I hope it keeps going that way.

I am now on an every 2 week appointment schedule until I hit 36 weeks.  I talked a little to my OB about what will happen if I go into labor early.  She said that if it’s before 36 weeks and they can’t stop contractions I will be transferred to a more capable hospital.  If it’s after 36 weeks I will just deliver at our hospital.  I still need to talk to her about when and if she’ll pull me out of work early.  I’m starting to have some anxiety about birth and labor and where I’ll be when it all starts and the thought of being 40 miles (usually about an hour travel time) from my hospital is not helping to calm my nerves.  It’s bad enough that if labor starts (or my water breaks) during the day BJ will be out on the road somewhere and I’ll be worried about him driving like a bat out of hell to get to me.  The less I have to worry about the better off I’ll be.  Not to mention the better off baby girl will be if I’m not stressing.

Now for the not so fun stuff.  I’m scared.   I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my fears at bay but at times there is no holding back.  We’re so close to having this baby girl in our arms and I can’t help but sometimes fear the worst.  I pretty much stay away from message boards because every once in a while a post will pop up about a late term loss or a stillbirth and I just can’t go there.  I can’t understand why those things happen and then of course I fear for myself and my baby.  I find it so hard to believe that I’m pregnant after all these years that I fear something horrible is going to happen to end it all.  When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee she often kicks me and squirms when I get back in bed.  I smile to myself and am relieved that she’s still there and alive.  It’s the same story when I wake up in the morning.  I need to feel her move to know that it’s real and that there is a live baby in there.   But I know that just because she’s moving and growing now that things could still go very wrong.  I’m trying to not think about it and I’m trying to just focus on all the good things…there are so many good things.  However, the fear is still there and it comes in big, engulfing waves sometimes.  I talk to her all the time and tell her things like how she doesn’t need to come early and no matter how uncomfortable I might be and how much moaning I may do when I can’t get comfortable at night that I am so happy that she’s in there and doing well.  I tell her how much her daddy loves her and how he can’t wait to hold her.  Although, he does a pretty good job of telling her those things, too.  He’s so cute…he gently lays his head on my belly (not all of his weight) and he talks to her and asks her to kick him and tells her that he loves her and can’t wait to see her.  My heart melts on a nightly basis.  Before I get out of bed in the morning, when I get home from work and when I lay down in bed at night he always reaches out and rubs my belly and gives it a tiny squeeze.  These moments are cherished but also bring on fear.  What if something happens to this precious little girl that we both love so much?  How would we survive?  I know we would but what kind of people would a loss like that morph us into?  I shudder at the thought.  This is why I try not to think about it.  I have a nursery that is 95% complete with clothes hanging in the closet and a dresser with 2 full drawers full of more clothes and a crib that is begging for a baby to be placed in it.  When I’m in there and I’m looking at her clothes I get very happy and anxious and sometimes scared out of my mind.  I had a rough road to get to this point and I guess I just can’t let go of all the years of heartache and disappointment.  I didn’t just get pregnant naturally or by surprise…I fought for years and kept hope alive even when I, myself, thought I had let it die.  I had to turn to one of the most controversial methods of conception out there in order to get pregnant.  And now here we are, 10 weeks from our due date.  It’s so surreal that we have come this far.  I have no reason to believe anything bad will happen…except that I know that bad can happen and I’ve been on the receiving end of some bad shit in my life…I want this to be the exception…I want to bring a living, healthy baby girl into this world and hold her and kiss her and smell her and cherish her for the rest of my life.  I think that is what any mother wants.  I hope and pray every day that God lets that happen for me.  This little girl is the light of our lives and she hasn’t even been born yet…and yet I can’t imagine my life without her now.  I hate that I feel sad sometimes and that I worry and that I’m scared.  I don’t want to feel those things at all.  I want to keep all the happy and hopeful feelings in the forefront and just concentrate on all the excitement surrounding the pregnancy.  Like I said, for the most part I am doing that.  I love being pregnant and I love feeling her move and wiggle and kick.  I have my complaints, don’t get me wrong.  All in all the good far outweighs anything I could complain about.  I’ll save my woes of pregnancy for another day (not that I have many).  What I gather from other Infertile Pregnant Blogs is that I think my fears are pretty normal…at least I hope they are.  And it’s not like I’m just waiting for something bad to happen.  I’m enjoying every bit of being pregnant and prepping for baby.  I love rubbing my stomach when no one’s looking.  I’m so vain that I can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror.  I love that people are finally noticing that yes, I’m pregnant.  It’s been such a great experience and I’m going to miss it once I give birth.  I just hope that we get our happy story and that she arrives safe and sound and ready to be smothered with love.


Rebecca said...

Yay for 30 weeks! Not much longer now.

Esperanza said...

Congrats on 30 weeks! You really are getting close.

As for your fears, they are totally understandable. I fought with them my entire pregnancy. The best thing to do is acknowledge them and let them go. You can control them but you can also remember that they are just thoughts and only have as much power as you give them. Maybe getting a guided meditation would help to see you through those hard times. Because they are hard. I hope you have less and less of them as you get closer to your due date.

Sending love and light.

Jjiraffe said...

Congrats! So glad you're getting close and the baby is growing. I like Esperanza's suggestion of a guided meditation.

Wishing you all the best...

A said...

I'm so excited for you :) I love the previous poster's suggestion- I still have fleeting thoughts about what if something happened to Maryanne, but I just try to tell myself to enjoy every moment with her and not focus on scary hypothetical situations. Keep us posted! Would love to see a belly shot and pics of the nursery :)

someday-soon said...

Wow, 30 weeks =) Isn't it funny that people just can't stop themselves from commenting on your belly size?! I was always told how small I was when I was pregnant. And it doesn't stop after you have the baby...our DD was constantly told how HUGE and how TINY she was and for most of her life she's been exactly at the 50th %. Happy your measuring right where you need to be. I know after all these years of trying it's so hard to imagine that everything will continue to go smoothly but I have a great feeling that it will =) Thinking of you and sending you lots of good thoughts!!!

HopeBPatient said...

Congratulations! I can't believe it's 30 weeks already! Hang in there. You'll make it :-)

Augusta said...

30 weeks! Amazing! So happy for you.

It never stops being scary, does it. Some of my psychologist friends remind me that it's just the start of being a parent: like having your own heart beating outside of yourself. I hope that there are more moments of joy than moments of fear for you.

January will be here before too long and you'll have your sweet girl in your arms, at long last.

Pie said...

You are doing so great! 30 weeks!!

Those fears, those are just your scars showing - that's how I think of it at least. Those years of battling IF, they leave their mark on us, and I think they come out as fear. We know all the horrible things that can happen - rarely happen, mind you - and it comes out as fear. Totally normal, but sucky too.