I got so busy last week that I completely missed my blog birthday. My blog is 1 year old. It's very hard to believe that it has been a full year since I started writing.
One year ago (June 25) I was gearing up for my 2nd attempt at my first IVF. I had already had 2 failed IUI's, a canceled cycle and about 8 years of TTC under my belt. I had never been more full of hope at that point. On June 25, 2009 I started stimming. I had my ER on 7/7 and my ET on 7/10. I remember all of it like it was last week instead of last year.
One year ago, I had hope of having at least 1 baby at the end of all of this. I started writing this blog not long after I became addicted to a TTC message board. Communicating with all of the ladies on that board really gave me a sense of belonging to something. It's hard being a lady in your 30's with no children. It's such an in between point in most people's lives. I don't fit in with the young and single crowd. I don't fit in with most of the people my age because they have kids. I don't fit in with people older than me because, let's face it, I'm only in my 30's and I'm not ready to sign up for the senior special at Bob Evan's.
Finding that message board was one of the best things that could happen to me in my journey. It also was not such a good thing. I found some great ladies and got such great support from everyone. I think I even helped some women sometimes. I got educated on things I had no idea about and I got completely confused about other things that made no sense to me at the time.
I also found out that IVF is not effective for everyone. And even if it works, there's a larger than average chance of a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. Reading the stories and the comments and the posts put such a fear in me at that time. I began to doubt everything. I lost some of my hope when faced with the reality of the statistics. I started to worry and I started to fret about my IVF not working. It took a toll on me emotionally.
So I decided to pretty much vacate that board after my failure. I felt horrible for voicing all of my pain to other unsuspecting "hopefuls". I didn't feel right spilling my guts about a failed IVF. I'm sure that most of the women, like myself, joined to get support and positivity and hope. Not to be scared about failing. They needed uplifting comments, not tears. I still pop in from time to time to check on the long-timers and to read the graduate updates, but other than that, I steer pretty clear.
That is why I started this blog. I wanted a place to get out all my pain and frustration. I feel better about writing it out this way instead of on a message board where people are still hopeful and need some good news. I can write what I want, when I want and I don't have to be filtered in any way. I can talk about other stuff than my IF, and I do. I can cuss, scream and boo hoo all I want. If someone doesn't want to read that day, they don't have to. If they find me too depressing, they don't have to follow my blog. I can pour my heart out and hit post and be ok with it.
So happy birthday to my blog. I'm so glad I decided to bring you to life. You have brought me so much relief from my emotions and so many wonderful, supportive readers. Thank you, blog.